Original subtitles

[MICHAEL] DICK...

I THINK THIS SUNDAY'S GUEST

CAN BE SUMMED UP IN TWO WORDS.

"JOSH WICKETT."

THE MAN IS FASCINATING.

HE CLAIMS TO HAVE PRESERVED A LARGE SOAP BUBBLE,

IN TACT, FOR 16 YEARS.

MICHAEL, YOU'VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN.

YOU PROMISE ME INTERESTING GUESTS,

AND--AND THEN YOU BRING ME THIS--THIS BUBBLE GUY.

WH--WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR WINNER?

DEPRESSING, DICK. ONE-- ONE WAR STORY AFTER ANOTHER.

I SWEAR, WHEN THE MAN LOST HIS PLATOON

HE MUST'VE LOST HIS SENSE OF HUMOR.

[KNOCKING]

[DICK] OH, HI.

HI, DICK. UH, IF YOU'VE GOT A MINUTE,

THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.

SURE. YOU--YOU ALL KNOW, UH, MICHAEL HARRIS?

HELLO.

-UH-HUH. -YUP.

WELL, WHAT--WHAT IS IT?

WELL, DICK, AS EVERYONE KNOWS,

DUCK SEASON OPENS FRIDAY, AND EVERY YEAR,

JIM AND CHESTER AND I GO HUNTING.

IT'S A BIG EVENT, DICK.

JIM AND I HAVEN'T MISSED OPENING DAY IN 36 YEARS.

YEAH. IT'S LIKE A TRADITION WITH US.

AND IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE QUESTION--

UH, GEORGE, I--I THINK I KNOW

WHAT THE QUESTION IS, AND MAY I SAY THAT I'M TOUCHED.

UH, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO DUCK HUNTING,

BUT, UH, MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER LET ME.

SHE'D ALWAYS SAY, UH,

"DICK, YOU'RE GONNA BLOW A FINGER OFF."

GOING DUCK HUNTING WITH YOU GUYS

WOULD BE LIKE A-- A CHILDHOOD DREAM COME TRUE.

UH, DICK, WHAT I WANTED TO ASK WAS

IF I COULD HAVE FRIDAY OFF.

WHA--UH, JUST A SECOND.

UH, IT SOUNDS LIKE DICK WOULD LIKE TO COME ALONG WITH US.

DOES HE KNOW HOW TO HUNT?

DO YOU CARE IF HE BLOWS A FINGER OFF?

DICK, UH, WE'D BE HONORED

TO HAVE YOU COME HUNTING WITH US.

WELL, THANKS. THAT--THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

UH, NOT AS MUCH AS IT MEANT A MOMENT AGO,

BUT IT MEANS A LOT, GEORGE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

LIGHT BULB.

I'VE JUST COME UP WITH A FANTASTIC IDEA

FOR A NEW T.V. SHOW.

YOU'LL--YOU'LL BE THE CELEBRITY HOST.

EACH WEEK WE'LL HAVE A DIFFERENT CELEBRITY GUEST

STALK A CELEBRITY CREATURE.

IT'S A SURE WINNER. NOTHING LIKE IT'S EVER

BEEN SEEN ON TELEVISION BEFORE.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT AMERICAN SPORTSMAN?

THAT'S WHAT WE'LL CALL IT.

I--I DON'T WANNA DO IT.

WHA--WHY NOT?

MICHAEL, I--I'M SURE YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND THIS,

BUT OPENING DAY IS LIKE, UM...

A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING.

I MEAN, IT--IT'S SPECIAL, YOU KNOW? IT'S...

IT--IT'S THE AIR, AND--AND NATURE,

AND--AND--AND MEN IN GROUPS,

AND, UM, HATS.

YOU KNOW, IT--IT'S SACRED,

AND--AND I, FOR ONE, CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO INTRUDE UPON SOMETHING LIKE THAT

WITH--WITH T.V. CAMERAS. RIGHT? RIGHT, GUYS?

I THINK IT SOUNDS KINDA FUN.

YEAH.

WE NEVER BEEN ON T.V. BEFORE.

YOUR COOPERATION WILL REALLY BE APPRECIATED IN THIS, MEN.

AND JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH,

THE STATION IS GOING TO CATER THE WHOLE AFFAIR.

HEY, HEY, HEY. FREE EATS.

OH, STEPHANIE. WHAT'S GOING ON?

JOANNA WAS JUST HELPING ME CLEAN THE FIREPLACE.

OH.

WELL, SHE'S NEVER CLEANED A FIREPLACE BEFORE,

AND SHE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

I'D SAY SHE FOUND A WAY.

[JOANNA] STEPHANIE...

I THINK YOU CAN TAKE OVER FROM HERE.

REALLY?

UM, JOANNA, DO YOU THINK THAT I COULD DO IT LATER?

I'D DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT IF ANYBODY SAW ME LIKE THAT.

GOODBYE. SEE YA FRIDAY.

AND DICK, DON'T HAVE DUCK FOR BREAKFAST.

THEY DO THAT JOKE EVERY YEAR.

IT'S STILL FUNNY. [LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW WHAT, DICK?

I'M GONNA MAKE THAT DREAM OF YOURS COME TRUE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE BEST DOGGONE

FIRST DAY OF HUNTING A FELLA EVER HAD.

HUNTING?

YEAH. UH, GEORGE AND JIM AND CHESTER

INVITED ME TO GO DUCK HUNTING WITH THEM.

WITH GUNS?

WELL, WE COULD SAVE TIME

AND TRY TO CATCH 'EM IN ROASTING PANS.

DICK, YOU COULD BLOW A FINGER OFF.

HONEY, I'M GONNA BE WITH THREE EXPERIENCED HUNTERS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT GEORGE.

GEORGE HAS BEEN HUNTING SINCE HE WAS A LITTLE BOY,

AND HE'S NEVER BLOWN A FINGER OFF. RIGHT, GEORGE?

NOT ONE OF MY OWN, NO.

NOW, YOU SEE, DICK?

DICK. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE NOT GOING.

ACTUALLY, I AM.

SOMEONE'S GOTTA FILM THE HUNT.

BUT MICHAEL, AREN'T THEY GOING ON FRIDAY?

YES.

BUT FRIDAY IS THE NIGHT

OF THE KAPPA KAPPA GAMMA ALUMNI BALL.

YES.

AND YOU PROMISED YOU'D TAKE ME.

AND THERE'S NOTHING I'D RATHER DO, CUPCAKE.

THIS DUCK THING CAME UP.

BUT TURTLEDOVE, THIS BALL ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR.

WHY DON'T YOU SHOOT YOUR STUPID DUCKS SOME OTHER DAY?

WOULD THAT I COULD, MUFFIN.

I--I CAN'T BREAK MY PROMISE TO THESE MEN.

BUT YOU'RE BREAKING YOUR PROMISE TO ME.

WELL, NOW YOU'RE GETTING RATIONAL,

AND THAT'S NOT AN ATTRACTIVE QUALITY IN A WOMAN.

AND WHEN YOU GET LIKE THIS,

I DON'T WANNA GO TO A DANCE WITH YOU.

ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT THIS IS ALL MY FAULT?

WELL, IF THE JORDACHE FITS...

THINK ABOUT IT.

THINK ABOUT THIS.

[MEN'S VOICES]

TIE US OFF, MICHAEL.

WOW. TALK ABOUT A LACK OF AMENITIES.

IS THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOUR BOOTS?

THEY'RE SHINED.

YOU HAVEN'T SHINED THOSE BOOTS IN 26 YEARS.

YEAH, AND IT WAS BEGINNING TO SHOW.

DO YOU NEED ANY HELP, DICK?

NO. I GOT IT.

OKAY.

[MICHAEL] I'M ROLLING.

NOW, JUST PRETEND I'M NOT EVEN HERE.

THE CATCHWORD FOR THE DAY IS "REALISM."

UM, DICK, COULD--COULD YOU GO BACK

AND MAKE THAT ENTRANCE AGAIN?

I--I DIDN'T QUITE GET IT.

AND--AND IT WOULD HELP ... IF YOU WOULD SAY THIS.

"IN--IN ALL MY DAYS OF HUNTING,

I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY AS THIS."

I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT, MICHAEL.

IT'S DISHONEST.

I'LL SAY IT.

UH, NO THANKS.

YOU'RE ACTING AWFULLY FUNNY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, JIM DIXON?

NOTHING.

A TIE?

YOU'RE WEARING A TIE.

I HARDLY SLEPT LAST NIGHT. I WAS SO EXCITED.

I JUST KEPT THINKING, "TODAY IS THE DAY

I GET TO TEACH MY FRIEND DICK HOW TO HUNT."

NO, I DIDN'T GET MUCH SLEEP EITHER.

AND MAINLY BECAUSE JOANNA KEPT MUTTERING,

"YOU'RE GONNA BLOW A FINGER OFF."

OKAY. COULD YOU TELL OUR VIEWERS NOW,

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HUNTING?

SINCE WE WERE 13.

I'VE BEEN HUNTING SINCE I WAS FOUR.

WHEN THE TWO OF US WERE 13,

I SAID, "I'VE BEEN HUNTING FOR NINE YEARS.

WANNA COME ALONG?"

AND COULD YOU TELL US, UH, HOW DUCK HUNTING

DIFFERS FROM, SAY, BEAR HUNTING?

WELL--

BEARS CAN'T FLY.

WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH?

AS I WAS SAYING, THERE'S REALLY NO COMPARISON.

FIRST OF ALL, HUNTING BEARS CAN BE DANGEROUS.

DUCK HUNTING ISN'T.

A DUCK TRIED TO KILL ME ONCE.

WHAT? DUCKS DON'T ATTACK PEOPLE.

I THINK THIS ONE WAS A ROGUE.

NOW, WHEN YOU SPOT A DUCK OFF IN THE DISTANCE,

YOU USE THIS.

A DUCK CALL.

EXCELLENT.

YOU USE IT TO ATTRACT HIS ATTENTION,

AND TO LURE HIM TOWARDS YOU. THERE.

THERE'S ONE OUT THERE NOW. DO YOU SEE IT?

YES. YEAH. I SURE DO.

WATCH THIS.

[DUCK CALL]

[DUCK CALL]

[DUCK CALL]

THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO WITH THOSE DEAF ONES.

I--I THINK I GET THE PICTURE, GEORGE.

I THINK WE CAN GO AS FAR AS-- AS LOADING THE GUNS.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING. WHERE'S THE AMMO?

IN THE BOAT, NEXT TO YOUR TUXEDO,

MR. SHOW BUSINESS.

UH, FELLAS?

WH--WHERE'S THE BOAT?

LOOKS LIKE THE BOAT FLOATED AWAY.

WELL, HOW-- HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?

MAYBE ONE OF THOSE ROGUE DUCKS TOOK IT.

SOMEBODY MUST HAVE FORGOT TO TIE IT UP.

WHO?

UH--IT--IT-- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO.

IT ISN'T GONNA DO ANYBODY ANY GOOD

TO--TO START BLAMING EACH OTHER.

WHAT WE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT

IS HOW WE'RE GONNA GET OUTTA HERE.

I MEAN, IT'S GONNA BE DARK SOON,

THE TEMPERATURE'S FALLING, AND WE DON'T HAVE ANY SHELTER.

ALL RIGHT. WHO IS THE BONEHEAD

WHO FORGOT TO TIE OFF THE BOAT?

MICHAEL WAS FIRST OUT.

FIRST OUT ALWAYS TIES OFF.

NEWS TO ME.

SOMEONE COULD'VE SAID SOMETHING.

I SAID IT.

I SAID, "MICHAEL, TIE OFF THE BOAT."

OH, THAT WASN'T JUST IDLE CHATTER?

LET'S--LET'S NOT ARGUE.

THERE'S--THERE'S STILL SOME LIGHT LEFT.

I--I'M SURE SOMEONE WILL FIND US.

UH, THAT KIND OF HURTS MY FEELINGS, DICK.

WHAT?

I BUILT THIS BLIND MYSELF.

NOBODY'S SUPPOSED TO SEE YOU IN IT.

I'M--I'M SORRY, GEORGE. THAT WAS--THAT WAS THOUGHTLESS.

PROB--PROBABLY NOBODY'LL SEE US,

AND--AND WE'LL BE STUCK HERE ALL NIGHT,

AND--AND--AND WE'LL FREEZE TO DEATH.

SO, YOU'RE SAYING IT'S KIND OF A MIXED BLESSING?

WELL, UH, WHY DON'T WE, UH,

START A SIGNAL FIRE.

IS THERE ANYTHING AROUND HERE WE--WE CAN BURN?

HOW ABOUT THE GUY WHO FORGOT TO TIE OFF THE BOAT?

THAT WOULD BE MICHAEL.

GUYS. BEAR IN MIND I'M THE FELLOW WHO REMEMBERED

TO BRING THE FOOD.

NOURISHMENT THAT WILL-- WILL GIVE US A FIGHTING CHANCE

AGAINST THE COLD.

THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE BUT A LOT OF WINE.

FRENCH.

OH, GREAT. WHEN THEY FIND OUR BODIES,

THEY'LL SAY WE HAD GREAT TASTE.

WH--WHERE--WHERE'S THE FOOD?

WELL, THAT WOULD BE, UH, IN--IN THE BOAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, OFFICER.

I WILL. GOODBYE.

WHAT DID THEY SAY?

THEY'RE SENDING OVER A SPECIAL TEAM

THAT RESCUES PEOPLE LOST IN THE SWAMPS.

AND WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID, "GOOD."

STEPHANIE, I'M SO WORRIED.

DICK ISN'T ACCUSTOMED TO THE WILD.

WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL?

HE'S NOT EVEN ACCUSTOMED TO WEARING FLANNEL.

WHAT IF WE NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN?

HOW COULD I LIVE WITH IT KNOWING MY LAST WORDS TO DICK WERE,

"IF EVERYBODY JUMPED OFF A CLIFF, WOULD YOU?"

YOU KNOW, ALL THIS WORRYING

JUST MAKES ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I CARE FOR MICHAEL.

I MEAN, SURE HE HAS HIS FAULTS,

BUT NOW THAT HE'S IN TROUBLE,

I JUST WISH I COULD BE WITH HIM TO HOLD HIM AND COMFORT HIM.

NOT IN A SWAMP, OF COURSE.

MAYBE IN RIO.

THANKS.

NICE CRYSTAL.

LEVEL WITH ME, DICK.

WHY IS IT EVERYONE IS ALWAYS ON MY CASE?

I MEAN, FIRST THIS--THIS PARTY THING WITH STEPHANIE,

AND NOW THE GUYS WITH THIS LIFE AND DEATH BUSINESS.

WELL, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE IT'S--IT'S YOUR FAULT.

I MEAN, DID--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?

NO.

WELL, TAKE THIS FIGHT WITH STEPHANIE.

WAS I WRONG?

WELL, I'VE--I'VE ONLY HEARD HER SIDE OF IT,

BUT SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS PARTY,

AND THEN YOU BROKE THE DATE AT THE LAST MINUTE.

BUT I'D BE GLAD TO LISTEN TO YOUR SIDE.

THAT IS MY SIDE.

WELL, THEN YOU WERE WRONG TO BREAK THE DATE.

WELL, DICK, I HAD TO DO IT.

YOU WANTED TO DO THIS DUCK HUNTING SHOW.

NO, YOU WANTED TO DO THE DUCK HUNTING SHOW.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU WON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS YOU DO.

I MEAN, JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR YOU SAY,

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT."

WELL, DICK,

JUST SHOW ME SOMETHING THAT'S MY FAULT.

THE--THE THING WITH STEPHANIE.

THE--THE--THE BUBBLE GUY YOU TRIED TO STICK ME WITH.

THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T TIE OFF THE BOAT,

AND--AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE HERE.

WELL, DICK,

IT'S A POOR WORKMAN THAT BLAMES HIS TOOLS.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

GOOD. MAYBE THAT'S THE RESCUE TEAM.

HI.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARRYL.

THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

HI, LARRY. DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE

A POLICE SEARCH TEAM OUT THERE?

UH-HUH. WE'RE IT.

OH, MY GOD.

EVENIN' MISS STEPHANIE.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' PARTICULARLY RADIANT TONIGHT.

WELL, I CAN'T THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.

THE MAN I LOVE MAY BE FREEZING TO DEATH

IN SOME GOD FORSAKEN SWAMP.

MAY I SAY IT AGREES WITH YOU?

LARRY.

LARRY, COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY?

MA'AM, DON'T WORRY.

ALIVE OR DEAD, WE'LL BRING 'EM BACK.

BORROWED A BLOODHOUND AND EVERYTHING.

OH, BY THE WAY...

WOULD YOU MIND IF WE BORROWED

AN ARTICLE OF YOUR HUSBAND'S CLOTHING FOR THE DOG?

OH, CERTAINLY NOT. HERE. TAKE THIS COAT.

THANKS.

THIS OUGHTA KEEP OL' ROCKET WARM, HUH?

I DIDN'T WANNA DIE THIS WAY.

IS ANYBODY ELSE AS TIRED AS I AM?

WELL, I'M GONNA CATCH SOME SHUTEYE.

I WONDER WHAT THE END WILL BE LIKE.

I READ SOMEWHERE THAT FREEZING TO DEATH

FEELS EXACTLY LIKE FALLING ASLEEP.

OKAY. EVERYBODY UP. CALISTHENICS.

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING?

THIS IS FOR OUR OWN GOOD. WE HAVE TO KEEP MOVING.

MI--MICHAEL.

AH, YOU CAN KEEP DOING THAT.

OKAY. LET'S BEGIN.

ONE.

TWO.

ONE.

STOP HITTING ME.

STOP TAKING UP SO MUCH ROOM.

TWO.

OH, YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN IMPOSSIBLE.

EVER SI--

OH, NO. YOU'RE NOT GONNA

BRING THAT UP AGAIN. NOT HERE.

EVER SINCE THE SIXTH GRADE--

DON'T. I WARN YOU.

AND YOU RUINED MY SCOUT KNIFE.

I DID NOT.

YES YOU DID.

I LEANT IT TO YOU.

I SAID, "USE IT ON ANYTHING."

USE IT ON DIAMONDS, SMASH IT ON A ROCK, ANYTHING.

JUST DON'T USE IT TO OPEN A COCONUT.

AND WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU DO?

OPEN A COCONUT. YOU RUINED IT.

ALL RIGHT. I DID IT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAD TO GO 16 MILES TO FIND THAT COCONUT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS A WHINEY-FACED LITTLE THING,

AND YOU MADE ME SICK.

LISTEN, BLIMPO...

OH, OH, OH, OH...

ALL RIGHT. CUT IT-- CUT IT OUT.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE BABIES.

HE STARTED IT.

DID NOT. HE STARTED IT.

[DICK] IT DOESN'T MATTER

WHOSE FAULT IT WAS.

IT'S MY FAULT.

I ADMIT IT. YOU'RE RIGHT, DICK.

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

WELL, WHAT IS?

EVERYTHING. I FORGOT TO TIE OFF THE BOAT,

I FORGOT THE FOOD,

I BROKE MY DATE WITH STEPHANIE,

I STUCK YOU WITH THE BUBBLE GUY.

I'M TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING.

MICHAEL, THIS IS-- IS PARTIALLY MY FAULT.

I MEAN, I MEAN, THE THING WITH STEPHANIE...

WAS--WAS YOUR FAULT,

AND THE--THE BOAT,

THAT WAS--WAS CERTAINLY YOUR FAULT.

BUT IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT

WE'RE--THAT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE HERE,

THAT'S--THAT'S PART-- PARTLY MY FAULT.

HOW?

WELL, UM...

YOU--UH, YOU'RE... YOU'RE MY PRODUCER.

AND IF--AND IF I HADN'T AGREED TO--TO DO THIS STUPID SHOW,

YOU WOULD-- YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.

YEAH, AND IF CHESTER AND I HADN'T WANTED

TO BE ON T.V. SO MUCH, YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE.

I'M PROBABLY MOST TO BLAME.

IF I HADN'T ROWED YOU OUT HERE,

YOU DEFINITELY WOULDN'T BE HERE.

I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE.

YOU--YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, RIGHT?

[ALL] MM-HMM.

YOU GUYS ARE--ARE THE BEST DAMN FRIENDS...

A FELLA EVER HAD.

TOO BAD IN A COUPLE HOURS

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE LIFELESS WADS.

WHOA.

[GRUNTS]

DICK, IF WE DON'T PULL THROUGH,

MY ONLY REGRET'LL BE THAT

I DIDN'T MAKE THIS A GREAT TRIP FOR YOU.

AND THAT I ROWED MICHAEL OUT HERE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, DICK?

ANY REGRETS?

REGRETS?

I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, COME ON, DICK.

THERE--THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING THAT CROSSES YOUR MIND?

THERE'S--THERE'S NOTHING.

OH, YEAH. THERE'S SOMETHING.

WELL, THERE'S JUST THIS SILLY THING...

I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE

IN MY--IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.

DON'T BE SHY, DICK. TELL US.

YEAH. WE WANNA KNOW.

WELL, I, UH...

I ALWAYS--I ALWAYS WANTED-- WANTED TO PLAY...

PROFESSOR HAROLD HILL IN THE MUSIC MAN.

WHAT?

I--I ALWAYS WANTED-- WANTED TO PLAY PROFESS--

PROFESSOR HAROLD--HAROLD HILL IN--IN THE MUSIC MAN.

AND I--AND I NEVER DID.

AND I...

I THINK I WOULD'VE-- I WOULD'VE BEEN PRETTY GOOD.

DO IT.

WHAT?

YEAH. DO IT.

THERE'S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT.

THERE MAY BE NO TIME BUT THE PRESENT.

HERE IN A DUCK BLIND?

YEAH. DON'T DIE WITH REGRETS, DICK.

I GUESS I COULD-- I COULD DO A LITTLE SINGING.

YEAH.

WELL, YOU--YEAH YOU GOT TROUBLE MY FRIEND.

RIGHT HERE, I SAY, TROUBLE RIGHT HERE IN--IN RIVER CITY.

WHY, SURE I'M A BILLIARD PLAYER.

CERTAINLY MIGHTY PROUD TO SAY...

I'M ALWAYS MIGHTY PROUD TO SAY IT.

SELL IT, DICK.

I CONSIDER THE HOURS I SPEND

WITH A CUE IN MY HAND ARE GOLDEN.

HELP ME CULTIVATE HORSE SENSE--

AND A COOL HEAD, AND A KEEN EYE.

DID YOU EVER TAKE AND TRY TO GIVE AN IRONCLAD LEAVE

TO YOURSELF FROM A THREE-RAIL BILLIARD SHOT--

THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU EVER UPSTAGE ANYBODY.

BUT IT'S MY PART. I--I--I PLAYED THAT PART

IN COMMUNITY THEATRE 84 TIMES.

IT WAS HIS DREAM. I'M GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU.

NO, NO, NO.

BUT HE WAS TERRIBLE. WE ALL SAW IT.

THAT'S IT. I'M SWIMMING.

HI. I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARRYL--

WE'RE SAVED.

[CHEERING]

WE'RE GONNA GET OUTTA HERE.

HOW DID--HOW DID YOU-- YOU GUYS FIND US?

WE HEARD SINGIN'.

DARRYL LOVES DINNER THEATRE, SO WE CAME THIS WAY.

I KNEW THAT VOICE OF YOURS WOULD COME IN HANDY SOMETIME.

A NATURAL FOGHORN.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT THAT KNIFE,

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

THAT COCONUT GAVE ME A STOMACH ACHE.

AH, JIM.

I'VE BEEN WAITIN' A LIFETIME TO HEAR THAT.

NICE NUMBER, DICK.

HERE, UH, DARRYL?

COULD YOU GET A HOLD OF THIS? HERE.

JUST FOR THE RECORD, DICK,

THIS WAS NOT A TYPICAL OPENING DAY.

THANKS, GEORGE.

NO. REALLY. IT WAS NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

WITH A CAPITAL "T," AND THAT RHYMES WITH "P,"

AND THAT STANDS FOR "POOL--"

GEOR--GEORGE...

GET IN THE BOAT.

MEOW.