Original subtitles

- Dick.

Wait 'til you see what I got at the hardware store.

- What is it, George?

- Something that's going to be

a big help to both of us around here.

- Walkie-talkies?

- Yeah. The age of electronics has come to the Stratford.

From now on, if you ever need me,

all you have to do is pull out this antenna,

and push down on that little switch right there,

and say, "George, come in.

Come in, George. Do you read me? Over."

- I'm not gonna say that.

- Well, then, just say "George" and I'll know what you mean.

Anyway, it's going to be great.

You'll never have to look for me again.

- No, now I'll have to look for this.

- Let's try it out.

You stay here and I'll go into the dining room.

Okay, go ahead.

- Uh...

George, would you please come in here?

- Roger, Dick. Where are you?

- The garage.

George?

George!

- Hi, honey. What's that?

- It's a walkie-talkie.

- Where did you get it?

- George bought it. He thought it would

make it easier for us to find him.

- Where is he? - I have no idea.

- GEORGE: Dick.

- Yes, George?

- You didn't mean it when you said

you were in the garage, did you?

- No, George, I'm sorry. I'm still in the lobby.

- Let me talk to him.

Hello, George? This is Joanna.

- Hi, Joanna. Where are you?

I'm in the lobby.

Listen, could you find the step-ladder

in the garage and bring it in here?

- You bet I can! Over and out.

- Roger.

I think this is wonderful.

- Good.

- Oh, excuse me.

- Blanche?

- Good, you remember me.

- Are you kidding? Of course we remember you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Honey, this is Kirk's grandmother.

- I know, honey. I remember, too.

- Oh, it's good to see you again.

- Thank you.

- Come on in. Sit down.

How are you?

- Well, I'm a little tired.

It's this cross-country business.

Runs me ragged.

- Oh, that's right. You came all the way from Montana.

- You know, we were expecting you at Kirk's wedding.

- Well, I was expecting to be here.

You know, I was right on schedule

until I got to Akron.

And then I met this gentleman.

And, well, you know how that goes.

Anyway, anyway, I'm here now.

How's the bride and groom?

- Oh, they're fine.

Unfortunately, they left for their honeymoon this morning.

- I missed them? - Yeah, I'm sorry.

- Well, it's my own fault for thinking with my glands again.

I hope they won't be mad at me.

- Oh, I'm sure they'll understand.

I mean, who hasn't lost their heart in Akron?

[ laughing ]

- Tell me, is this girl that Kirk married, is she nice?

- Oh, she is wonderful.

I know you're going to like her.

- Oh, I know I will.

And if I don't, it won't matter,

'cause I live 2000 miles away.

- Listen, I was just about to fix lunch.

Will you join us? - Love to.

- Good. Would you like anything special?

- Something special would be fine.

- Surprise, look who's back.

- Surprise, yourself. Look who's here.

- Grandma!

I can't believe it's you!

- You think I'd miss my grandson's wedding?

- You did miss it.

- Yeah, I couldn't help it. I was in Akron.

I was telling Dick and Joanna all about it.

And I ran into this gentleman--

- Say no more.

- He knows all about that.

- Grandma, I wasn't sure I'd ever get to say this,

but I'd like you to meet my wife.

This is Cindy. Cindy, this is my grandma.

- Oh, it's wonderful to meet you.

- And you, too.

- Why aren't you two on your way to Niagara Falls?

- Niagara Falls?

Is he classy, or what?

- Our car broke down on the way out of town.

It won't be fixed until tomorrow.

- You mean you're going to have to spend

the first night of your honeymoon here at home?

- Well, you know, now that Kirk's grandmother is here,

maybe we should postpone our honeymoon?

- Oh, she's sweet, but she's nuts.

You can't spend your honeymoon at home.

Take my car.

- Grandma, we can't do that.

It would leave you stranded.

- So what?

I'm having my mail held for about three weeks.

I can hang in with Dick and Joanna,

if that's all right with you.

- Of course it is.

- Only this time, I insist on paying for my room.

- We won't hear of it. - I love these people.

- All right, Grandma. If you really mean this,

we'll take you up on your offer.

- Sure, but before you go,

I've got you a wedding present.

- Oh, how sweet of you.

Well, I know that new couples need things to start out with.

- Yeah. Oh.

Oh, bourbon.

How nice.

- I just know your blend. - Thanks, Grandma.

We'll think of you whenever we make a highball.

[ laughs ]

- Well, anyhow, here are the keys to the car.

So go and enjoy yourselves.

- We really appreciate this.

Thank you. - Goodbye, Grandma.

- Goodbye, sweetheart.

- Goodbye, you two. - Goodbye.

[ overlapping dialogue ]

- Oh, they're adorable. - Oh, aren't they?

Well, what do you say we go to the dining room

and I'll make us that lunch I promised.

- Good. Oh boy, I see those two,

and I think about Kirk's grandfather and me.

What a honeymoon we had.

- Where'd you go? - Back to his place.

- Joanna?

Now she's doing it to me, too.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- What do you got there? - Just some packages.

I was feeling kind of down, so I decided to go into town

and buy a few things to lift my spirits.

Bought some really cute blouses.

Would you like to see them?

- Sure.

- They had an unbelievable selection of colors.

I bought most of them.

By the way, who are you?

- Blanche Devane.

- Any relation to Kirk?

- His grandmother.

- Oh! I'm Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Are you a guest here?

- I wish. I'm the maid.

What do you think?

- Very nice.

- They cost me two months salary,

but what could I do?

I have to wear silk.

- Why is that?

Anything else makes me dizzy.

- Well, Stephanie, you know, you impress me

as a kind of girl who wouldn't be a maid.

You impress me as the kind of girl who would have a maid.

- That is so great of you to say that.

I actually do come from a very wealthy family,

but they cut me off.

- Ah. So what are you doing up here?

- Well, for the first time in my life,

I'm trying to be independent and self-sufficient.

But basically I'm praying

I'll fall in love with a rich man

and never have to work another day as long as I live.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, I found out one thing.

If you want to go after something,

you have to ask for it.

No good sitting around, expecting the world

to come up and read your thoughts.

The world is reading the newspaper.

Now, you have to go over to a man,

talk to him and take the newspaper out of his hand.

Hit him over the head if you have to.

And say, "Look at me.

I'm a woman. Buy me a drink."

- That's an approach I haven't tried.

- Excuse us.

- Hi, guys!

- Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl.

This is my other brother Darryl.

- They're looking after the cafe

while Kirk and Cindy are on their honeymoon.

- Oh. I'm Blanche, Kirk's grandmother.

How's it going over there?

- Well, everything was going fine

until we got a customer, and that's when we hit a snag.

We came to see if Mr. Loudon could help us out.

- Hold on, I'll see if he's in his study.

- What do you boys do when you're not

looking after the cafe?

- We haul rubbish, drain swamps,

cart away dead livestock.

Anything where we can get paid

and have fun at the same time.

- He'll be out in a minute.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go upstairs

and put this stuff away.

- Miss Stephanie?

May I say you're looking lovely today.

- Yes, you may.

- Thank you.

- Oh, hi, guys.

- These gentlemen have a problem.

- I know.

What's the trouble?

- Kirk didn't leave no money in the cash register

to make change.

- How much money do you need?

- Three quarters.

- That's all you need?

- Well, there's a man over there whose bill came to $4.25.

He gived us $5, and the way Darryl figures it,

we owe him 75 cents.

That's three quarters.

- Do these guys know what they're doing?

- Not really.

- What would you think if I went over there for a while

and gave them a hand?

- I think it might help.

- You got three quarters?

Uh, look, boys,

what would you say to me coming over there

and giving you a hand for a while?

- We'd say yes.

- Let's go. - Hi-ho, hi-ho.

[ phone rings ]

- Oh, get that, Dick, will you?

- Hello, Stratford Inn.

Kirk?

What are you--

What do you mean, shut up, this is your one phone call?

What happ--

You're kidding.

Well, where--

You're kidding.

Ah-- don't worry.

We'll get there as soon as we can.

Stephanie, Joanna, come down here.

George.

- This is George. Who's this?

- Dick.

- Where are you?

- I'm in the lobby.

- Where are you, really?

- I'm really in the lobby. Get in here quick.

- What is it? - We've got a problem.

- What's going on?

- We need you and George to keep an eye on the inn.

Joanna, you and I are going up and help Kirk and Cindy.

- Oh, no. Not more car trouble.

- In a way. They were arrested for driving a stolen car.

- What?

- But that doesn't make sense.

They were driving Blanche's car.

- I know. We'd better go get...

- Get her and head up there. - Okay.

- What should I do?

- I've got a basket full of wet clothes in the basement.

Will you put them in the dryer? - Of course.

This is an emergency.

- What is it?

Okay, now I'm getting mad.

- Okay, you guys. - 25, 50, 75.

- There you are.

Nice of you to drop by.

Do come back again, huh?

- We appreciate you helping us out.

- Oh, happy to.

- Anyway we can return the favor?

- Uh... Have you ever played blackjack?

- No.

- Well, we may have found a way.

Let's play a few hands

and you'll learn as we go alone.

Oh, hi! You're just in time.

We're going to play a little blackjack.

- Blanche, we have to talk to you.

- We just got a call from Kirk. He and Cindy are in jail.

- Jail?

What for?

- It seems the car they were driving was reported stolen.

- Now, Blanche do you have any idea why

they would think your car is stolen?

- Well, maybe it isn't just exactly my car.

- Whose is it?

- Remember the gentleman in Akron?

- You stole his car?

- Of course not.

Stealing is you go in a parking lot,

choose a car at random,

smash the window and hotwire it.

No. All I did was take the keys out of his pocket

while he was sleeping.

I even left a note.

But the law is funny.

This is where if you are the owner of the car,

you have all the advantages.

- All right, look, can we talk about this on the way?

- Listen, it's all my fault.

Just give me the keys to your car and I'll handle it.

- No.

What I mean is I think all of us should go.

- I wish you wouldn't do this.

I'm beginning to feel as if my visit

was suddenly becoming an imposition.

- Don't be silly. We love having you.

- Right. Now, let's...

get your grandson and his bride out of...

out of jail.

- I guess we can still play cards.

How about a game of war?

Ready?

Go.

[ door opens ]

- Okay, get in there.

And this time, no fighting in the cell.

- Excuse me?

Couldn't you just handcuff me to a tree or something?

- You'll be all right. - Uh-huh.

- What are you in for?

- Driving my grandmother's car.

What about you?

- Assault with a battery. - What?

- I hit a guy with a Die Hard.

- This is insane. I've never been in jail in my life.

- Well, neither have I.

Do you think this is any easier for me,

standing here, looking at my husband in a cell

with that gorilla?

[ laughs ]

- Are you trying to get me killed?

This is a great guy.

[ spits ]

- Get me out of here.

- Honey, don't worry. It'll get all straightened out

as soon as your grandmother gets here.

- Oh, I hope so.

- Well, you know it will. This has to be a mistake.

- Look, Cindy, there's something about

my grandmother I didn't tell you.

Something I'm not exactly proud of.

- Well, what's that?

- Well, she's been in and out of prison all her life.

- Your grandmother?

- Yeah. - For what?

- Stealing cars.

- Kirk, if you knew this,

how could you let us take her car?

- I never even thought about it.

All I was thinking about was you and me

getting to Niagara Falls.

- Gee, Kirk, maybe this is more serious than I thought.

Look, maybe I ought to call the hotel

and let them know we're going to be late.

I don't want to lose our deposit.

- How can you be thinking about a deposit

when I'm standing here facing grand theft auto?

- But it's $50. - So what if it's $50?

All right, make the call.

- Oh, thank God you're here!

- Dick! Joanna! Grandma!

I've never been so happy to see anybody in my life.

What took you so long?

- Dick wouldn't let me drive.

- Are you guys okay?

- I'm feeling a little crowded.

- Help me, please.

- Look, don't panic. We're going to get you out of here.

- Excuse me, are you Blanche Devane?

- Who wants to know?

- Um, he does, Blanche.

- We picked up your grandson this afternoon

driving a stolen car.

He claims that he got it from you.

Is that true? - Who wants to know?

- Blanche.

- Are you aware the car is registered to a Willard Bailey,

in Akron, Ohio?

- Look, this whole thing is a misunderstanding.

- Who are you?

- Who wants to know?

- Blanche, I'm not going to tell you again.

Uh, look, I'm Dick Loudon. This is my wife, Joanna.

We're neighbors of the suspect.

We were at the location when the alleged vehicle

was being exchanged between the accusee

and the accusee's grandmother

who acquired the said vehicle from the aforementioned

Mr. Bailey under circumstances which,

well, for the sake of discretion,

are possibly better left undisclosed.

- Huh?

- Dick, I appreciate what you're trying to say.

But I think you're getting everybody all confused.

You see, what he's trying to tell you was,

Willard and I were in love for one night.

Then it was over, and I borrowed his wheels.

- Is that a confession?

- It's better than a confession. It's the truth.

- Constable, under the circumstances,

I think we can let that young man go.

- Wee! - Finally!

- Thank you for understanding.

- Yeah, I never thought it'd be that simple.

And constable, would you please book Mrs. Devane?

- What?

- What are you talking about?

- She's under arrest.

- I thought we had everything worked out.

- Mr. Loudon, she's being charged with grand theft auto,

and transporting a stolen car across state lines.

I have to turn her over to the federal authorities.

- But you can't arrest my grandma.

- Oh, come on. Don't get dramatic.

I've been through all this before.

- But I haven't. What's going to happen to you?

I can't let this happen. Officer, I lied to you before.

- What?

- I didn't borrow the car from my grandmother.

I borrowed it from this man.

- What? - What?

- Come on, Dick. She's my grandmother.

Be a man. Take the rap.

- I'm not gonna take the rap.

- Okay, then, I stole the car.

- Kirk, what are you doing?

- You can't confess to a crime you didn't commit.

- Somebody's got to confess to something.

I can't send my grandmother to prison.

- But I don't want to see you go to prison.

Well, I don't want to see you go to prison, either.

I mean, I don't want to see anybody go to prison.

But, you know, that's just me.

- Ah, let's face the facts.

It's my fault. Slip the cuffs of me, chief.

I'm ready to go.

- I don't think the handcuffs will be necessary, Mrs. Devane.

- Wait a minute, isn't there anything we can do?

- I'm afraid not, Mr. Loudon.

- Can we at least have a minute to say goodbye?

- Sure.

- Oh, yeah.

Give us a break, sweetie.

Don't be upset, darling.

I'm happy.

- How can you be happy?

- Because, dummy, you're married,

and I don't have to worry about you anymore.

For the first time, I can go to jail

without having a heavy heart.

Cindy, I'm so happy you married him, dear.

He needed it.

Oh, boy. Dick, Joanna, thanks for all the freebies.

- Oh, Blanche. Is there anything we can do to help you?

- Is there anything you need?

- Well, the only thing I can think of would be money,

and I'll keep you in mind.

- All right, come on. Let's go.

Who's driving? - I am.

- You cute thing. Come on.

- Bye, Grandma. - Ah, sweetheart.

- I can't believe she's gone.

- Kirk, we'll do everything we can to get her out.

- You're darn right we will.

I'm gonna hire the best lawyer money can buy,

and I don't care if I have to sell the cafe

and go into debt.

I don't care if you and I both have to go into debt.

I'm going to get her out of this.

- Excuse me, where's your grandmother's purse?

- Her purse? - Doesn't she have it?

- She said she left it in here.

[ car engine starts ]

- Wait a minute! Come back here!