Original subtitles

AND WITH THAT, I WILL PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU WILL KISS THE BRIDE, AND HALF YOUR GUESTS

WILL BE BLUBBERING, AND THAT'LL BE THAT.

LISTEN, THANKS A MILLION FOR EVERYTHING, REVEREND.

- OH. - YOU'VE BEEN GREAT. - MY PLEASURE.

THANKS FROM ME, TOO. I REALLY APPRECIATE

EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.

UH, MR. DEVANE,

WE CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT TOMORROW NIGHT.

OKAY.

GOOD NIGHT, REVEREND. THANKS AGAIN.

- GOOD NIGHT. - BYE-BYE.

AND WE'LL SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW NIGHT.

REMEMBER. SEVEN O'CLOCK.

I'LL REMEMBER.

WELL, ARE YOU STARTING TO GET NERVOUS?

- YEAH, A LITTLE. - NOT ME. I'M JUST EXCITED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE, IN 24 HOURS,

I'M GONNA BE MR. KIRK DEVANE.

I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE PREMATURE,

BUT I THOUGHT WE SHOULD HAVE SOME CHAMPAGNE

- TO CELEBRATE. - OH, HOT DOG.

ALL RIGHT.

- THERE YOU GO. - OH.

THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

DICK, WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE THE FIRST TOAST?

UH, SURE.

TO-- TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

KIRK.

DID I PICK THE RIGHT BEST MAN OR WHAT?

NOW I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.

BUT DICK'S IS GONNA BE

PRETTY HARD TO TOP.

TO DICK AND JOANNA.

FOR ALLOWING US TO...

BE MARRIED IN THEIR LOVELY HOME.

AND FOR BEING OUR BEST MAN AND MATRON OF HONOR.

OH.

TO STEPHANIE AND GEORGE.

FOR BEING OUR BRIDESMAID AND OUR USHER.

AND TO CINDY.

WHOSE GOODNESS OF SPIRIT AND JOY OF LIFE

HAVE MADE ME THE HAPPIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

AND TO AMERICA.

AMEN.

I'M NOT USED TO DRINKING CHAMPAGNE AFTER AMEN,

BUT...

WHY NOT?

NOW I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.

TO CINDY.

FOR ASKING ME TO BE A PART OF ALL THIS.

IT'S REALLY AN HONOR FOR ME.

I'VE BEEN ALWAYS BEEN A BRIDE. NEVER A BRIDESMAID.

THANK YOU.

STEPHANIE.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

YOU KNOW, KIRK, I HAVE TO SAY, I'VE--

I'VE NEVER KNOWN A MAN WHO WAS

SO HAPPY ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.

I CAN'T HELP IT, DICK.

NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG I'VE DREAMED ABOUT THIS.

AND THE AMAZING THING IS, EVERYTHING IS TURNING OUT

EXACTLY AS I HOPED IT WOULD.

I'M HAVING A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING

IN A BEAUTIFUL PLACE

WITH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.

AWW.

HONEY, HONEY, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH CHAMPAGNE.

SO, WHAT'S EVERYBODY GONNA BE DOING TOMORROW

- BEFORE THE WEDDING? - WELL, KIRK, I THINK

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE BUSY GETTING EVERYTHING READY.

- OH, RIGHT. - WHY? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE DOING?

I DON'T KNOW. IN THE MORNING, I THINK I'LL GET A HAIRCUT,

AND IN THE AFTERNOON, I THOUGHT MAYBE

I'D GO DOWN AND BOWL A FEW GAMES.

IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

WHATEVER YOU WANT, HONEY.

IT'S YOUR DAY.

- HI. - HI, GUYS.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARRYL.

THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER, DARRYL.

ARE YOU HERE FOR THE WEDDING

OR THE SEPTIC TANK?

- INVITATION SAID THE WEDDING. - OH, FINE.

I'M EXCITED, DICK.

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

CAN YOU TELL ME FACING THE OTHER WAY?

I HAVE TO GET THIS TIE FASTENED.

I WASN'T SURE I WAS EVER GONNA MEET ANYONE

WHO CARED ENOUGH ABOUT ME

TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS.

WELL, CINDY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.

I MEANT YOU.

OH.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU, UH-- YOU AREN'T GONNA

HUG ME AGAIN, ARE YOU?

THERE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.

YOU SHOULD SEE YOURSELF.

I DID. IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

I LOOK SQUATTY.

YOU DO NOT. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.

- ARE YOU NERVOUS? - MM-HMM.

WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO BE A LITTLE OVERWHELMED

BY EVERYTHING THAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

I MEAN, MARRIAGE IS PERMANENT.

NO, IT ISN'T.

I'D JUST LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT BEFORE THE CEREMONY

TO, UH, SAY A FEW WORDS TO THE GROOM.

YOU WANNA KNOW IF I'M CHASTE.

NO, IT HASN'T NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

BECAUSE, IF YOU DO, I CAN GET WITNESSES

TO PROVE THAT I AM.

KIRK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET REVEREND MILLER

- SAY WHAT HE HAS TO SAY? - OKAY.

I WANT YOU TO PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION

TO THE VOWS THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE.

WHY?

BECAUSE, MANY TIMES, PEOPLE THINK OF THEM

AS JUST WORDS. AND THEY'RE SO MUCH MORE

THAN JUST WORDS. THEY'RE A--

THEY'RE A COMMITMENT. A CONTRACT FOR LIFE.

- THEY ARE. - YES.

YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE A VERY BIG STEP.

YOU'RE MAKING A PROMISE BEFORE GOD

TO LOVE, HONOR, AND STAND BY THIS PERSON,

NO MATTER WHAT,

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

BOY.

KIRK. IT'S, UH,

IT'S MORE FUN THAN THAT.

WELL, NO WORD FROM THE GOVERNOR.

SO I GUESS IT'S A GO.

WELL, THE JOYFUL MOMENT HAS ARRIVED.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THE LOBBY. EXCUSE ME.

IS IT HOT IN HERE?

UH, NO, KIRK. YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL FEEL BETTER

ONCE YOU'RE OUT THERE ENJOYING

THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

RIGHT.

�� ["HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]

MR. DEVANE.

YOU ARE FACED IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

OH, SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

- ARE YOU OKAY? - I LOVE YOU.

DEARLY BELOVED--

IS HE ON YOUR DRESS?

ALL RIGHT, STAND BACK, GIVE HIM AIR.

I KNOW HOW TO GIVE MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.

YEAH, HE'S FINE. CINDY JUST CALLED FROM THE HOSPITAL,

AND, UH, THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY HOME RIGHT NOW.

IT WAS A SHAME.

OH, THANK YOU, WE THOUGHT THE PLACE

LOOKED LOVELY, TOO.

UH, WE GOT THEM FROM SWEENEY'S FLORIST.

OH, THOSE ARE LITTLE CRACKERS THAT ARE

MADE FROM CREAM CHEESE.

WELL, I'M SURE-- I'M SURE SHE'D BE GLAD

TO GIVE YOU THE RECIPE.

WELL, LISTEN, THANK YOU FOR CALLING, AND, UH,

THANK YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS FOR FIXING THE SEPTIC TANK.

GOOD NIGHT.

THAT LARRY IS A CLASS GUY.

YEAH.

I CAN'T HELP IT. I STILL FEEL BADLY FOR KIRK.

YEAH, IT'S JUST SUCH A SHAME THIS HAD TO HAPPEN.

AFTER ALL OF THIS WORK

AND EFFORT AND WORRY.

I DOUBT IF MY HAIR WILL EVER TURN OUT THIS WELL AGAIN.

- HI, EVERYBODY. - [ALL] HI.

THERE YOU ARE. HOW'RE YOU FEELING?

- LIKE A FOOL. - OH, KIRK.

- CAN WE GET YOU ANYTHING? - NO.

I'LL HAVE SOME COFFEE AND MAYBE ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ECLAIRS.

OH, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE COFFEE FOR ALL OF US?

OH, I SEE. IT WAS A TRICK.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HAPPIEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

NOW IT'S THE MOST HUMILIATING.

WOULD SOMEBODY TALK TO HIM, PLEASE?

I CAN'T GET THROUGH TO HIM.

LOOK, UH, KIRK.

I-- I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

- HAVE YOU EVER FAINTED? - WELL, NO.

THEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL.

WELL, I-- I DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO FAINT,

BUT I-- I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO...

BE A FOOL.

LOOK, THE-- THE POINT IS, YOU HAVE TO GET PAST THIS.

UH, IF YOU WANT, WE'LL, UM,

WE'LL DO THE-- THE WHOLE THING AGAIN,

AND THE NEXT TIME, YOU'LL BE FINE.

HOW CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN?

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY FOR MORE FLOWERS AND DECORATIONS.

WELL, WE'LL JUST PUT EVERYTHING ON ICE.

WE HAVEN'T THROWN ANYTHING AWAY.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO

TO A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE

AND HAVE A NICE, SIMPLE LITTLE CEREMONY. JUST YOU AND ME.

BUT I WANNA GET MARRIED LIKE WE PLANNED.

I JUST DON'T WANNA FAINT.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU WON'T.

IT'S POSSIBLE. I COME FROM A FAMILY OF FAINTERS.

ACTUALLY, JUST THE MEN. THE WOMEN ARE BULLDOGS.

LOOK, UH, KIRK, WHEN--

WHEN JOANNA AND I WERE MARRIED,

I MEAN, I WAS NERVOUS, TOO.

THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME THROUGH IT WAS THAT

I-- I TRIED TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

WHENEVER I GET OVERWROUGHT,

I ALWAYS JUST TRY TO CLEAR MY HEAD

AND THINK ABOUT NOTHING.

YOU MUST BE THE CALMEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO THINK SO.

LOOK, IF YOU ALL DON'T MIND,

I THINK I'D LIKE TO TRY THIS AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY.

OF COURSE WE DON'T MIND.

I'LL HAVE TO CHECK MY CALENDAR.

OH, I'M KIDDING. OF COURSE WE'LL DO IT SATURDAY.

EXCUSE ME. IS THERE A TABLE FOR THE WEDDING PRESENTS?

WELL, NOT REALLY, BUT IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING,

I CAN TAKE IT.

WHAT IS IT?

JUST SOMETHING THAT GUARANTEES MALE CHILDREN.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO, WELCOME. WOULD YOU LIKE

TO SIGN OUR GUESTBOOK?

YES, I WOULD.

UH, ARE YOU HERE FOR THE BRIDE OR THE GROOM?

WE'RE HERE FOR THE WEEKEND.

- WHAT? - WE HAVE RESERVATIONS.

OH, YOU'RE CHECKING IN. OH, GEE.

WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEDDING RIGHT NOW.

UH, WHY DON'T YOU, UH,

HAVE A SEAT, AND I'LL GO GET YOUR LUGGAGE,

AND THEN WE CAN CHECK YOU IN WHEN THIS IS OVER.

- WHO'S GETTING MARRIED? - THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

WELL? HOW'S THAT?

OH, CINDY.

YOU GET MORE BEAUTIFUL WITH EACH WEDDING.

- THANK YOU. - HOW'RE YOU FEELING?

I FEEL FINE.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW KIRK IS?

WELL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM, BUT DICK SAID HE SEEMED MUCH BETTER.

GOOD.

YOU KNOW, CINDY, YEARS FROM NOW,

YOU AND KIRK ARE GONNA LOOK BACK ON THIS AND LAUGH.

YEAH. I JUST HOPE WHEN WE DO,

WE'RE MARRIED.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT WE'RE READY.

- OKAY, GOOD. - ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT OUT, REVEREND.

UH, GEORGE?

WHAT-- WHAT'RE THOSE?

OH, COME ON, DICK. YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE.

WHAT-- WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH 'EM?

OH, SOME PEOPLE ARE CHECKING IN.

WELL, PUT 'EM DOWN AND LISTEN TO THIS.

- WHAT'RE WE DOING? - OKAY, I NEED YOUR GUYS' HELP.

NOW, I THINK I'M GONNA BE FINE,

BUT JUST IN CASE I START TO PASS OUT,

I WANT YOU GUYS TO STOP ME.

- HOW? - OKAY, I'VE WORKED THIS OUT.

DICK, TONIGHT, I WANT YOU TO GRAB MY ARM JUST LIKE THIS.

OKAY? GEORGE, GET OVER HERE.

I WANT YOU TO HOLD THE SMELLING SALTS.

THIS IS STUPID.

IT'S NOT STUPID IF IT KEEPS ME STANDING UP.

OKAY, NOW LET'S PRETEND I'M PASSING OUT.

I START TO GO DOWN. YOU JERK ME UP,

AND YOU HIT ME WITH THE SMELLING SALTS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST TRY IT ONE TIME.

READY?

[KIRK SNIFFS]

WOW, OKAY, THAT WORKS.

�� ["HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]

HOW ARE YOU?

DYNAMITE.

DEARLY BELOVED.

KIRK?

YEAH?

WHAT'RE YOU DOING BACK THERE?

HATING MYSELF.

OH, COME ON, PLEASE DON'T.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE MORNING I'VE HAD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S ALL OVER TOWN THAT WE CAN'T GET MARRIED

BECAUSE I KEEP FAINTING.

I WENT INTO THE BAKERY THIS MORNING

TO PICK OUT OUR LATEST CAKE.

- YEAH? - THEY ASKED ME IF I WANTED

THE LITTLE GROOM STANDING NEXT TO THE BRIDE OR...

FACE-DOWN IN THE ICING BESIDE HER.

THEY WERE JUST TEASING.

WELL, IT ISN'T FUNNY TO ME.

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE THINKING.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY TO FIND ANOTHER GUY.

KIRK, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

NO, I MEAN IT. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN ME.

YOU DESERVE A GUY WHO CAN SWEEP YOU UP HIS ARMS,

NOT FALL INTO YOURS.

LOOK, I KNOW I'VE BROUGHT THIS UP BEFORE,

BUT WHY DON'T WE TRY A CIVIL CEREMONY?

YOU KNOW? JUST THE TWO OF US AT THE COURTHOUSE.

ON THOSE MARBLE FLOORS? ARE YOU CRAZY?

THEN WHY DON'T WE JUST ELOPE?

BECAUSE I TOLD YOU,

THIS WEDDING IS LIKE A FANTASY TO ME.

THE WAY WE HAVE IT PLANNED IS THE WAY I ALWAYS WANTED IT.

I'D LIKE AT LEAST TO GIVE IT ONE MORE SHOT.

YOU REALLY WANNA GO THROUGH ALL THIS AGAIN ON SATURDAY?

LISTEN. I PROMISE--

IF I FAINT THIS TIME,

WE'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PUT THE DRESS ON

ONE MORE TIME?

SURE.

HOW MANY GIRLS GET THIS MUCH WEAR OUT OF A WEDDING GOWN?

ALL SET?

AYUH. WE'RE GONNA TRY IT AGAIN.

THIS IS THE BEST TURNOUT WE'VE HAD YET.

DICK, YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME THAT,

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET THEM TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.

I HAVE TO GET MARRIED TONIGHT.

KIRK, I'M GETTING JUST AS TIRED OF THIS AS YOU ARE.

I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DICK, THE DOCTOR'S HERE.

WHAT DOCTOR?

- HI, DICK. - HI, DOC.

M-- MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE TALKED THIS OVER,

BUT, UM, I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE THIS TIME,

IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD IDEA

IF A DOCTOR WAS STANDING BY.

YOU THINK I'M GONNA FAINT AGAIN, DON'T YOU?

LOOK AT YOU-- YOU'RE A WRECK.

YOU CUT YOUR SHOULDER SHAVING.

Y-- YOU'RE MORE NERVOUS THAN EVER.

OF COURSE I'M NERVOUS. I MIGHT BE GETTING MARRIED.

KIRK, I'M DR. PERLOW.

THE HOSPITAL FILLED ME IN ON YOUR SITUATION.

IT ISN'T REALLY THAT UNUSUAL.

YOU'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?

WELL, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU

GET THROUGH THE CEREMONY.

IF YOU COULD DO THAT FOR ME, I'D CARRY YOUR GOLF CLUBS

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA, DICK.

NOW, WILL YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE FOR ME, PLEASE?

- WHY? - SO I CAN GIVE YOU THIS.

WHAT DOES THAT DO?

IT RELAXES YOU.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

THEY'RE FINALLY GETTING MARRIED.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

�� ["HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]

YOU'RE KIDDING.

JUST GET UP HERE.

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER. KEEP MARCHING.

I TOLD YOU I'D MAKE IT.

DEARLY BELOVED--

GO ON.

WITH PLEASURE.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN

IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

WHICH IS AN HONORABLE ESTATE

AND SHOULD NOT BE ENTERED INTO LIGHTLY.

CINDY PARKER. DO YOU TAKE KIRK DEVANE

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.

FOR RICHER AND FOR POORER.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.

FORSAKING ALL OTHERS UNTIL DEATH DUE YOU PART?

I DO.

I DO, TOO.

OH?

OKAY.

UH...

MAY I HAVE THE RING PLEASE?

WOULD YOU, UH, PUT THIS ON HER FINGER?

DICK, COULD YOU DO IT?

I'M A LITTLE TIED UP.

REPEAT AFTER ME.

WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED.

WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED.

I THINK HE MEANS ME.

I'M SORRY.

WITH THIS RING,

I THEE WED.

BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME BY THE STATE OF VERMONT,

I NOW PRONOUNCE THAT YOU ARE

HUSBAND AND WIFE, FINALLY.

- OH! - YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

�� []