All language subtitles for Newhart S02E16

- Excuse me, Joanna,
is that the morning paper?

- Yes, it is.

- Can I have
the financial section?

- Sure. Why?
- I want to spit out my gum.

- Hi, everybody.

- Oh, there you are.

You weren't down for
breakfast this morning.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Joanna.
I guess I should've told you.

Something terrible
has happened.

Can I have the rest
of the day off?

- Of course,
what's the matter?

- Yeah. Why are you wearing
the dark glasses?

Have you been crying?

- Yes.
- Stephanie, what's wrong?

- Just this whole year.

I've had an unbelievable
string of bad luck.

- First, my marriage broke up

and then my family
cut me off, and...

now this.

- What?

- This.

- You mean, that pimple?

- You're upset about that?

- Joanna, I've never had
a pimple in my life.

- It's nothing to
be concerned about.

- Oh, yeah. What if it
never stops growing?

- Uh, I only saw
it for a second,

but it didn't look that big.

- Well, it looks big to me.

It's going to look
plenty big to anybody

I might be flirting with.

What am I talking about?

How can you flirt with anybody
with a walnut on your nose?

- It's not a walnut.

- No, it's more
like a raisin.

- I really wouldn't
worry about it.

- Well, I'm not going to
let anybody see me like this.

I'm going
to go out and buy

every skincare product
I can find.

And then on the way back,
I'm going to stop by a church

and light a candle.

- I guess I'm one
of the lucky ones.

I never had a pimple.

- You are lucky.
- Yeah.

I had warts, I had corns,
I had ringworm,

but I never had a pimple.

- That's good.

- Yeah.

I had cold sores,
I had liver spots,

I had boils,
but I never had a pimple.

What have you had?

- Enough of
this conversation.

- Ah, George, just the man
I wanted to see.

- Hi, Kirk.

- Not now.
This is important.

George, I need
a favor from you.

You're on the Business Permit
Committee with the town council?

- I am?
- Yeah, and the thing is...

- What's the
Business Permit Committee?

- It's a committee
that votes on whether

or not to allow new
businesses in to town.

- How come no one ever told me
I was on the committee?

- Well, probably because there
haven't been any new businesses.

- How long have I been
on the committee?

- I don't know, probably
since it was formed.

- When was that?
- 1685.

You've been on
the committee 300 years.

What's the difference?

The point is there's
a new business

trying to get in to town
and if it does,

it's going to wipe me out.

- What business is that?

- Rocket Burger. It's this
huge fast food chain.

Their motto is "Every seven
seconds someone dies,

someone gives birth and
someone eats a Rocket Burger."

George, tomorrow night,
there's going to be

a special
town council meeting,

and they're going to ask
for a vote.

I'm asking you
to vote, "No."

In fact, I'm willing
to pay for that vote.

- Kirk, I'm not going
to take your money.

- Then what are you
going to do?

- I'm going to go
to the council meeting,

hear both sides
of the argument

and base my decision on
whatever I think is right.

- You're insane.
Is Dick in his study?

- No.
The floor was just waxed.

- He's in the dining room,
but he's working.

- I'm not going to bother him.

Dick, stop working.

- I'm not going
to stop working.

- Come on, don't be rude.
- [ typing ]

- What are you doing?

- Don't worry, I'm not going to
ask for some outrageous favor.

- Kirk, what--
what do you want?

- I want you to fire George
if he doesn't do what I ask.

Hear me out.

Listen, Rocket Burger is coming
to town, and you may be

the only person to stop it.

- You're speaking,
of course, of my famous

anti-Rocket Burger ray?

- I'm serious, Dick.

If Rocket Burger moves in,
my business is finished.

There's no way I can
compete with them.

- Well, what--what
do you want me to do?

- George is on
the Permit Committee,

you've got to make
him vote, "No."

- I'm not going to tell
George how to vote.

- But he listens to you.
He respects you.

You can twist his mind easier
than wind bends a tree.

- Forget it, Kirk.

I'm not going
to tell him how to vote.

- All right, Dick.

Let's put George
aside for a second.

Let's talk as neighbors,

as members of a quaint
New England community

where children walk
by white picket fences

to red brick school houses,
and Sundays after services

in the old steeple church,
people gather

in the historic town square
or the rustic band show

and celebrate the last
vestiges of Americana.

And picture
in the middle of this

a 35-foot aluminum rocket ship
sitting upright on its tail

with a red neon
Rocket Burger sign

revolving around
its nosecone.

I mean, is this what you
want for your town, Dick,

a big flying saucer that
smells like French fries?

It's not what I want.

I don't think it's
what Joanna wants.

And if George had a brain,
I don't think

it'd be what he'd want.

- Kirk, I'm not condoning
Rocket Burger,

but I'm not going
to strong-arm George.

- Well, will you at least
agree to be on my side

at the council meeting?

- Well, I've always
considered myself

on the side
of small business,

and you certainly
qualify for that.

I guess that put's me
on your side.

- Will you sit with me
at the meeting?

- I'll even sit with
you at the meeting.

- Will you give a speech?
- If need be.

Uh, Kirk, I will do whatever
you want if it'll help.

- Thanks.

George, Joanna, get in here.

Dick, I'm not going
to forget this.

This may be the biggest thing
you've ever done for me.

- What do you want, Kirk?

- I just want you to know
that you are married

to a giant of a man.

- Thank you.

- Dick has agreed to
speak on my behalf

at the town council
meeting tomorrow night.

This makes him not only
a fine human being,

but a living example of what
a good neighbor should be.

And I, for one,
take my hat off to you.

- Why did you want me in here?

- It's your hat
I want to take off.

- Okay.
Everybody sit down.

We might as
well get started.

On behalf of
the Permit Committee,

I call this Special Town
Council Meeting to order.

Now, as you all know,
we're here tonight

to hear the arguments
for allowing Rocket Burger

to open a franchise
in our town.

Representing those opposed to
this idea will be Kirk Devane,

owner of the Minuteman Caf�,

and his neighbor, Dick Loudon,
owner of the Stratford Inn.

Representing Rocket Burger
is the Vice President

in charge of Marketing,
and one heck of a nice guy,

we were just talking to him
before the meeting, John Payne.

[ applause ]

- We'll begin by hearing the
arguments against the move.

Who wants to start?

- Well, maybe, uh,
maybe I'll--I'll start.

Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I did not come here to, uh,

to oppose Rocket Burger,
which as an organization

will continue
to flourish regardless

of your decision
here tonight.

But rather, I came to defend
the small businessman,

the individual, the unsung
hero who, in my opinion

is the true backbone of
the American way of life.

And who, I feel,
stands to lose a great deal

based on your decision
here tonight.

- Thank you, Dick.

- Uh, Ch--Chester,
I'm--I'm not finished.

- I'm sorry.

- I would like to go on record
as opposing this permit.

I do not believe that
the small businessman

should be pushed aside
by giant conglomerates

who take no interest
in the community,

other than what
it can do for them.

- Mr. Loudon, I think I'd have
to object to that statement.

- Would you?

When my wife and I moved
here from New York,

we wanted to fit in
to the community.

Can Rocket Burger make
that same claim, Payne?

- Yes, we can.

- You call erecting a
35-foot aluminum rocket ship

fitting in to the community?

- Mr. Loudon, we feel our
rocket ship enhances any area

where it's placed, whether it
be a big-city intersection

or a tranquil town square.

May we see
the model, please?

- Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the committee,

let me see, that was
Hardy, George,

Chester and Emma, wasn't it?

- Wow.
- Wow.

- Rocket Burger always tries
to enrich the communities

we land in.

- And would you kindly
tell Hardy, George, Chester

and Emma exactly how
you plan to do that.

- By building
a youth activity center,

buying band uniforms
for both the high school

and junior high school,

and making
a generous donation

to your
Community Welfare Board.

- Oh.

- Please--please,
don't think of yourselves

as being lost in the arms
of big business.

Think of yourselves
as being embraced.

- That's nice.

Well, Mr. Payne,
you've certainly given us

something to think about.

Dick, did you want
to say anything in rebuttal?

- Only that we ask ourselves
the question,

"Can we be bought?"

I, for one, cannot.

What about you?

Thank you very much.

- Well, the committee
will adjourn to make

a recommendation, but I can
tell you right now,

looks awfully good.

Why doesn't everybody grab
a fast cup of coffee?

We shouldn't be long.

- Well, Dick, I'm ruined.

If this Rocket Burger
moves in, I'm out on the street.

- That hasn't happened yet.

- When it does,
can I live with you?

- If--if that happens and--
and you need some place to--

to stay for awhile.

Look, we're--we're both too
upset to think rationally.

- Excuse me.
Nice speech.

Dick, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Well, how do you think
it's going in there?

- Well, if, uh, bald face
support is any indication,

I would say you're in
pretty good shape.

- You know, Mr. Devane,
it's Kirk, right?

I wouldn't feel too badly
if I were you.

- Oh, you wouldn't, huh?
- No.

You stand to come out
very well in this thing.

- How's that?

- Well, we market test an
area rather thoroughly

before we decide on a site,
and our research indicates

that the best location in town
for our restaurant

is on the site of your caf�.

- My caf�?
- You're kidding.

- No. In fact, it's really the
only site we're interested in.

- So you see,
we want to buy you out.

And believe me, we will be
more than fair.

- Wait a minute.

If he doesn't sell,
then there's no Rocket Burger?

- That's right.
- That's great.

- Yeah. How soon
do you want me out?

- Hi, Joanna.

- How was the movie?
- Oh, kind of stupid.

It was about this family
that lives in the wilderness

or during the Depression
or something.

Anyway, they were boring.

And then there was this
big storm and, uh,

they either starved or froze
to death or ate each other.

I'm not really sure.

I was just thinking
about my pimple.

- Stephanie, this is silly.

You've been running around
for two days

wearing dark glasses,
hiding in movie theaters.

I swear to you,
nobody notices your pimple.

- That's because nobody's
seen it,

and nobody's going to either.

- You're not going
to takeoff the ski mask?

- Joanna, please, I just feel
less self-conscious this way.

[ shouting ]

- Oops, someone's coming.
See ya.

- I don't want to hear this.

- Well, you're going
to hear this.

What--what are you doing?

What--what happens
to community and--

and band stands
and white picket fences

and preserving Americana?

- What is going on?
- Let him tell you.

I--I'm too upset to talk.

- Oh, come on, you've been
whining all the way home.

- George, what is
he talking about?

- Well, the committee voted
to give Rocket Burger

a business permit,
but then it turned out

the only place Rocket Burger
is willing to build

is on the site of Kirk's caf�.

- Which Kirk is going
to sell to them.

- You mean there's going to be a
Rocket Burger right next door?

- Only if the town council

accepts the committee's
recommendation to.

- Which you know
they will do.

- I'm going to be rich.
I'm going to be rich.

- I mean, how could
you do this?

Uh, didn't you
ever think of us?

- Yeah. I don't to have
a 35-foot aluminum rocket ship

next door to
the Stratford Inn.

- Why not?
It'd be great for you guys.

People will drive up,
stuff themselves,

then they need a place
to lie down.

You'll be swamped.
We'll all be rich.

- I don't want to be rich.

All I want is a nice quiet inn
in a nice quiet town.

I thought that's
what you wanted, too.

- That was what I wanted,
but now I want money more.

- Whatever happened
to being good neighbors?

- We're not going
to be neighbors. I'm moving.

- Okay.
You go and sell out.

But before you go, let me
tell you one thing,

don't ever come
to me for help again,

because from this moment on,
our friendship is over.

- Yeah. Well, I don't want
to be friends with a man

who doesn't want to see
his neighbor get rich.

- Yeah. Well, I don't want
any neighbors with a man

who'd sell out his friends
to aliens!

- Yeah. Well, I hope they sell
12 billion Rocket Burgers,

and I hope they throw
the wrappers on your lawn.

I hope you have
to clean them up.

I'm glad I'm moving.

- Yeah, well, we're glad
you're moving, too.

I hope I never
see your stupid face

ever over here again.

- Dick, he's gone.
- What?

Oh.

Do you think he heard
the last part about

seeing his stupid face again?

- I don't think so.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, darling.

- I was out running errands.

I thought I'd stop by
and make myself a sandwich.

- Uh-huh.
- What you doing?

- Well, I figured if
Rocket Burger's going

to buy me out, I might as
well sell some of this stuff.

- I can't believe you're
really going ahead with this.

- Why not?

Do you realize what this
is going to mean for us?

You're not going
to have to work anymore.

Better yet, I'm not going
to have to work anymore.

- Kirk, are you sure
you're doing the right thing?

- Cindy, we stayed up half
the night talking about this.

- What did I say?

- You just kept saying,
"I'm going to be rich.

I'm going to be rich."

- I am. How can that not be
the right thing?

- Okay.

Uh, have you thought about
what you're going to do

after you sell the caf�?

- That's the great thing
about being rich,

I can do anything I want.

- So what do you want to do?
- I don't know.

- That's my point.

You haven't given
this any thought.

- Well, why do I have
to decide this now?

I'll find something to do.

I mean, I'll open
another business.

- What kind of business?

- God, all these questions.
I don't know.

I'll teach skiing.
I'll grow wine.

I'll make things
out of shells.

What's the difference?

At least I'll be out
of this stupid caf�.

- And into some other business
you don't care about.

Kirk, what's
the most important thing

that's happened to you since
you've been in this town?

- Finding you.
- Good answer.

- What's second?

- Um, oh, I guess
the one Christmas eve,

when I was alone, I went out
to church by myself

and I found ten bucks
in the pew.

- I was thinking about
your friendship with Dick.

- Oh.

- You told me

he's the only real friend
you've ever had.

Are you really going
to give that up?

- Cindy, there's something you
should know about me and Dick.

All those times I told you
we were best friends...

Well, he never said
I was his best friend.

I only said that.

The truth is...

I don't think Dick ever thought
of me as a friend at all.

- Well, maybe the reason
he didn't is because

you were always doing
things like this.

- I was hoping there'd
be a better turnout.

- Yeah.
People seem to like you.

- Maybe that's why
they're staying home.

They don't want
to vote against me.

- Maybe they all broke out.

- By the way, Stephanie, I--
I appreciate your coming in--

in your condition.

- Oh, good evening, George.
- Evening, Dick.

Dick, I don't think
I've had the pleasure

of meeting your
lovely family.

- This is my wife.
That's our maid.

- Hi. John Payne,
pleasure to meet you.

- Nice to meet you,
Mr. Payne.

- Hi, how are you,
John Payne.

- She's awkward
with strangers.

- And she has a pimple.

- Listen, Dick,
I just wanted to say that

regardless of what
happens tonight,

I hope that when
this is all over,

we'll become good neighbors.

- Well, I--I hope you
understand I--I didn't object

to a restaurant
next to the inn.

It's just I had a problem
with it, uh, you know,

being a spaceship.

- I understand.

- But you're going
to build it anyway.

- Absolutely.

Well, it was good
seeing you, Dick.

George.

It was nice meeting you,
Mrs. Loudon.

- Nice meeting you, too.

- Nice meeting you,
too, young lady.

- Okay, everyone,
take your seats.

We're ready to begin.

On behalf of
the Permit Committee,

I call this special
meeting to order.

The committee entered
arguments for and against

a Rocket Burger being built
in this town and

has recommended
to the town council

that Rocket Burger
be granted a permit.

It's now time to put this
to a public vote.

So without further ado,
all those in favor

of granting the permit, raise
your hands and say, "Aye."

- Aye.

- All those opposed, raise
your hands and say, "Nay."

- Nay.

- Motion passed.

- Let the record show...

Well, there's no one here
to record this,

but we'll just
try to remember it,

that Rocket Burger
is now granted permission

to operate in this town.

And with that, I
understand from Mr. Payne

that Rocket Burgers
will be served in the lobby

for everyone.

- Oh, boy.

- Uh, everybody, would you,
uh, please not leave yet?

This matter isn't
quite settled.

- What are you
talking about, Kirk?

- Mr. Payne, am I right that
if I don't sell the Minuteman,

then you're not going to come
in to this town after all?

- Well, yes, that's correct,
but I understood

that you were going to sell.

- Well, whether I am
or not, the point is

it's my decision, right?
- I suppose so.

- Kirk, what are you doing?

- I've been doing
a lot of thinking, Dick,

and I realized something.

I'm in a town
I like living in,

I have someone who loves me,
and up until yesterday,

I had great friends
next door.

- On the other hand, I have
a great opportunity,

but I don't think I could
take it if I thought

it was going to hurt
my best friend.

So I guess the thing I need to
know before I say the thing

I think I'm going to say is,
are you my best friend?

- What?

- I won't sell
the Minuteman Caf�

if you say
you're my best friend.

- Uh, you won't?
- No.

- Well, um...

I, uh, I--I guess--
I guess I am.

- Am what?

- Uh, your--
your best friend.

- Say it.

- I am--I am your best friend.

- Say it louder.

- I am your best friend.

- Say it with me.
Okay, okay, okay.

That's good enough.
Just hug me.

- What?
- Hug me or I sell.

- I'll, uh, I'll--I'll--
I'll shake your hand.

- Fair enough.

Dick's my best friend.
I'm not selling.

- What?

- He said he's not selling.
Go home.

[ chattering, laughing ]

- Do we still get
our Rocket Burgers?

- No.

- Hey, you with the camera,
how about a picture

of me with my best friend?

- Everybody smile.