Original subtitles

- Excuse me, Joanna, is that the morning paper?

- Yes, it is.

- Can I have the financial section?

- Sure. Why? - I want to spit out my gum.

- Hi, everybody.

- Oh, there you are.

You weren't down for breakfast this morning.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Joanna. I guess I should've told you.

Something terrible has happened.

Can I have the rest of the day off?

- Of course, what's the matter?

- Yeah. Why are you wearing the dark glasses?

Have you been crying?

- Yes. - Stephanie, what's wrong?

- Just this whole year.

I've had an unbelievable string of bad luck.

- First, my marriage broke up

and then my family cut me off, and...

now this.

- What?

- This.

- You mean, that pimple?

- You're upset about that?

- Joanna, I've never had a pimple in my life.

- It's nothing to be concerned about.

- Oh, yeah. What if it never stops growing?

- Uh, I only saw it for a second,

but it didn't look that big.

- Well, it looks big to me.

It's going to look plenty big to anybody

I might be flirting with.

What am I talking about?

How can you flirt with anybody with a walnut on your nose?

- It's not a walnut.

- No, it's more like a raisin.

- I really wouldn't worry about it.

- Well, I'm not going to let anybody see me like this.

I'm going to go out and buy

every skincare product I can find.

And then on the way back, I'm going to stop by a church

and light a candle.

- I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

I never had a pimple.

- You are lucky. - Yeah.

I had warts, I had corns, I had ringworm,

but I never had a pimple.

- That's good.

- Yeah.

I had cold sores, I had liver spots,

I had boils, but I never had a pimple.

What have you had?

- Enough of this conversation.

- Ah, George, just the man I wanted to see.

- Hi, Kirk.

- Not now. This is important.

George, I need a favor from you.

You're on the Business Permit Committee with the town council?

- I am? - Yeah, and the thing is...

- What's the Business Permit Committee?

- It's a committee that votes on whether

or not to allow new businesses in to town.

- How come no one ever told me I was on the committee?

- Well, probably because there haven't been any new businesses.

- How long have I been on the committee?

- I don't know, probably since it was formed.

- When was that? - 1685.

You've been on the committee 300 years.

What's the difference?

The point is there's a new business

trying to get in to town and if it does,

it's going to wipe me out.

- What business is that?

- Rocket Burger. It's this huge fast food chain.

Their motto is "Every seven seconds someone dies,

someone gives birth and someone eats a Rocket Burger."

George, tomorrow night, there's going to be

a special town council meeting,

and they're going to ask for a vote.

I'm asking you to vote, "No."

In fact, I'm willing to pay for that vote.

- Kirk, I'm not going to take your money.

- Then what are you going to do?

- I'm going to go to the council meeting,

hear both sides of the argument

and base my decision on whatever I think is right.

- You're insane. Is Dick in his study?

- No. The floor was just waxed.

- He's in the dining room, but he's working.

- I'm not going to bother him.

Dick, stop working.

- I'm not going to stop working.

- Come on, don't be rude. - [ typing ]

- What are you doing?

- Don't worry, I'm not going to ask for some outrageous favor.

- Kirk, what-- what do you want?

- I want you to fire George if he doesn't do what I ask.

Hear me out.

Listen, Rocket Burger is coming to town, and you may be

the only person to stop it.

- You're speaking, of course, of my famous

anti-Rocket Burger ray?

- I'm serious, Dick.

If Rocket Burger moves in, my business is finished.

There's no way I can compete with them.

- Well, what--what do you want me to do?

- George is on the Permit Committee,

you've got to make him vote, "No."

- I'm not going to tell George how to vote.

- But he listens to you. He respects you.

You can twist his mind easier than wind bends a tree.

- Forget it, Kirk.

I'm not going to tell him how to vote.

- All right, Dick.

Let's put George aside for a second.

Let's talk as neighbors,

as members of a quaint New England community

where children walk by white picket fences

to red brick school houses, and Sundays after services

in the old steeple church, people gather

in the historic town square or the rustic band show

and celebrate the last vestiges of Americana.

And picture in the middle of this

a 35-foot aluminum rocket ship sitting upright on its tail

with a red neon Rocket Burger sign

revolving around its nosecone.

I mean, is this what you want for your town, Dick,

a big flying saucer that smells like French fries?

It's not what I want.

I don't think it's what Joanna wants.

And if George had a brain, I don't think

it'd be what he'd want.

- Kirk, I'm not condoning Rocket Burger,

but I'm not going to strong-arm George.

- Well, will you at least agree to be on my side

at the council meeting?

- Well, I've always considered myself

on the side of small business,

and you certainly qualify for that.

I guess that put's me on your side.

- Will you sit with me at the meeting?

- I'll even sit with you at the meeting.

- Will you give a speech? - If need be.

Uh, Kirk, I will do whatever you want if it'll help.

- Thanks.

George, Joanna, get in here.

Dick, I'm not going to forget this.

This may be the biggest thing you've ever done for me.

- What do you want, Kirk?

- I just want you to know that you are married

to a giant of a man.

- Thank you.

- Dick has agreed to speak on my behalf

at the town council meeting tomorrow night.

This makes him not only a fine human being,

but a living example of what a good neighbor should be.

And I, for one, take my hat off to you.

- Why did you want me in here?

- It's your hat I want to take off.

- Okay. Everybody sit down.

We might as well get started.

On behalf of the Permit Committee,

I call this Special Town Council Meeting to order.

Now, as you all know, we're here tonight

to hear the arguments for allowing Rocket Burger

to open a franchise in our town.

Representing those opposed to this idea will be Kirk Devane,

owner of the Minuteman Caf�,

and his neighbor, Dick Loudon, owner of the Stratford Inn.

Representing Rocket Burger is the Vice President

in charge of Marketing, and one heck of a nice guy,

we were just talking to him before the meeting, John Payne.

[ applause ]

- We'll begin by hearing the arguments against the move.

Who wants to start?

- Well, maybe, uh, maybe I'll--I'll start.

Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen, I did not come here to, uh,

to oppose Rocket Burger, which as an organization

will continue to flourish regardless

of your decision here tonight.

But rather, I came to defend the small businessman,

the individual, the unsung hero who, in my opinion

is the true backbone of the American way of life.

And who, I feel, stands to lose a great deal

based on your decision here tonight.

- Thank you, Dick.

- Uh, Ch--Chester, I'm--I'm not finished.

- I'm sorry.

- I would like to go on record as opposing this permit.

I do not believe that the small businessman

should be pushed aside by giant conglomerates

who take no interest in the community,

other than what it can do for them.

- Mr. Loudon, I think I'd have to object to that statement.

- Would you?

When my wife and I moved here from New York,

we wanted to fit in to the community.

Can Rocket Burger make that same claim, Payne?

- Yes, we can.

- You call erecting a 35-foot aluminum rocket ship

fitting in to the community?

- Mr. Loudon, we feel our rocket ship enhances any area

where it's placed, whether it be a big-city intersection

or a tranquil town square.

May we see the model, please?

- Ladies and gentlemen, members of the committee,

let me see, that was Hardy, George,

Chester and Emma, wasn't it?

- Wow. - Wow.

- Rocket Burger always tries to enrich the communities

we land in.

- And would you kindly tell Hardy, George, Chester

and Emma exactly how you plan to do that.

- By building a youth activity center,

buying band uniforms for both the high school

and junior high school,

and making a generous donation

to your Community Welfare Board.

- Oh.

- Please--please, don't think of yourselves

as being lost in the arms of big business.

Think of yourselves as being embraced.

- That's nice.

Well, Mr. Payne, you've certainly given us

something to think about.

Dick, did you want to say anything in rebuttal?

- Only that we ask ourselves the question,

"Can we be bought?"

I, for one, cannot.

What about you?

Thank you very much.

- Well, the committee will adjourn to make

a recommendation, but I can tell you right now,

looks awfully good.

Why doesn't everybody grab a fast cup of coffee?

We shouldn't be long.

- Well, Dick, I'm ruined.

If this Rocket Burger moves in, I'm out on the street.

- That hasn't happened yet.

- When it does, can I live with you?

- If--if that happens and-- and you need some place to--

to stay for awhile.

Look, we're--we're both too upset to think rationally.

- Excuse me. Nice speech.

Dick, isn't it? - Yeah.

- Well, how do you think it's going in there?

- Well, if, uh, bald face support is any indication,

I would say you're in pretty good shape.

- You know, Mr. Devane, it's Kirk, right?

I wouldn't feel too badly if I were you.

- Oh, you wouldn't, huh? - No.

You stand to come out very well in this thing.

- How's that?

- Well, we market test an area rather thoroughly

before we decide on a site, and our research indicates

that the best location in town for our restaurant

is on the site of your caf�.

- My caf�? - You're kidding.

- No. In fact, it's really the only site we're interested in.

- So you see, we want to buy you out.

And believe me, we will be more than fair.

- Wait a minute.

If he doesn't sell, then there's no Rocket Burger?

- That's right. - That's great.

- Yeah. How soon do you want me out?

- Hi, Joanna.

- How was the movie? - Oh, kind of stupid.

It was about this family that lives in the wilderness

or during the Depression or something.

Anyway, they were boring.

And then there was this big storm and, uh,

they either starved or froze to death or ate each other.

I'm not really sure.

I was just thinking about my pimple.

- Stephanie, this is silly.

You've been running around for two days

wearing dark glasses, hiding in movie theaters.

I swear to you, nobody notices your pimple.

- That's because nobody's seen it,

and nobody's going to either.

- You're not going to takeoff the ski mask?

- Joanna, please, I just feel less self-conscious this way.

[ shouting ]

- Oops, someone's coming. See ya.

- I don't want to hear this.

- Well, you're going to hear this.

What--what are you doing?

What--what happens to community and--

and band stands and white picket fences

and preserving Americana?

- What is going on? - Let him tell you.

I--I'm too upset to talk.

- Oh, come on, you've been whining all the way home.

- George, what is he talking about?

- Well, the committee voted to give Rocket Burger

a business permit, but then it turned out

the only place Rocket Burger is willing to build

is on the site of Kirk's caf�.

- Which Kirk is going to sell to them.

- You mean there's going to be a Rocket Burger right next door?

- Only if the town council

accepts the committee's recommendation to.

- Which you know they will do.

- I'm going to be rich. I'm going to be rich.

- I mean, how could you do this?

Uh, didn't you ever think of us?

- Yeah. I don't to have a 35-foot aluminum rocket ship

next door to the Stratford Inn.

- Why not? It'd be great for you guys.

People will drive up, stuff themselves,

then they need a place to lie down.

You'll be swamped. We'll all be rich.

- I don't want to be rich.

All I want is a nice quiet inn in a nice quiet town.

I thought that's what you wanted, too.

- That was what I wanted, but now I want money more.

- Whatever happened to being good neighbors?

- We're not going to be neighbors. I'm moving.

- Okay. You go and sell out.

But before you go, let me tell you one thing,

don't ever come to me for help again,

because from this moment on, our friendship is over.

- Yeah. Well, I don't want to be friends with a man

who doesn't want to see his neighbor get rich.

- Yeah. Well, I don't want any neighbors with a man

who'd sell out his friends to aliens!

- Yeah. Well, I hope they sell 12 billion Rocket Burgers,

and I hope they throw the wrappers on your lawn.

I hope you have to clean them up.

I'm glad I'm moving.

- Yeah, well, we're glad you're moving, too.

I hope I never see your stupid face

ever over here again.

- Dick, he's gone. - What?

Oh.

Do you think he heard the last part about

seeing his stupid face again?

- I don't think so.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, darling.

- I was out running errands.

I thought I'd stop by and make myself a sandwich.

- Uh-huh. - What you doing?

- Well, I figured if Rocket Burger's going

to buy me out, I might as well sell some of this stuff.

- I can't believe you're really going ahead with this.

- Why not?

Do you realize what this is going to mean for us?

You're not going to have to work anymore.

Better yet, I'm not going to have to work anymore.

- Kirk, are you sure you're doing the right thing?

- Cindy, we stayed up half the night talking about this.

- What did I say?

- You just kept saying, "I'm going to be rich.

I'm going to be rich."

- I am. How can that not be the right thing?

- Okay.

Uh, have you thought about what you're going to do

after you sell the caf�?

- That's the great thing about being rich,

I can do anything I want.

- So what do you want to do? - I don't know.

- That's my point.

You haven't given this any thought.

- Well, why do I have to decide this now?

I'll find something to do.

I mean, I'll open another business.

- What kind of business?

- God, all these questions. I don't know.

I'll teach skiing. I'll grow wine.

I'll make things out of shells.

What's the difference?

At least I'll be out of this stupid caf�.

- And into some other business you don't care about.

Kirk, what's the most important thing

that's happened to you since you've been in this town?

- Finding you. - Good answer.

- What's second?

- Um, oh, I guess the one Christmas eve,

when I was alone, I went out to church by myself

and I found ten bucks in the pew.

- I was thinking about your friendship with Dick.

- Oh.

- You told me

he's the only real friend you've ever had.

Are you really going to give that up?

- Cindy, there's something you should know about me and Dick.

All those times I told you we were best friends...

Well, he never said I was his best friend.

I only said that.

The truth is...

I don't think Dick ever thought of me as a friend at all.

- Well, maybe the reason he didn't is because

you were always doing things like this.

- I was hoping there'd be a better turnout.

- Yeah. People seem to like you.

- Maybe that's why they're staying home.

They don't want to vote against me.

- Maybe they all broke out.

- By the way, Stephanie, I-- I appreciate your coming in--

in your condition.

- Oh, good evening, George. - Evening, Dick.

Dick, I don't think I've had the pleasure

of meeting your lovely family.

- This is my wife. That's our maid.

- Hi. John Payne, pleasure to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, Mr. Payne.

- Hi, how are you, John Payne.

- She's awkward with strangers.

- And she has a pimple.

- Listen, Dick, I just wanted to say that

regardless of what happens tonight,

I hope that when this is all over,

we'll become good neighbors.

- Well, I--I hope you understand I--I didn't object

to a restaurant next to the inn.

It's just I had a problem with it, uh, you know,

being a spaceship.

- I understand.

- But you're going to build it anyway.

- Absolutely.

Well, it was good seeing you, Dick.

George.

It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Loudon.

- Nice meeting you, too.

- Nice meeting you, too, young lady.

- Okay, everyone, take your seats.

We're ready to begin.

On behalf of the Permit Committee,

I call this special meeting to order.

The committee entered arguments for and against

a Rocket Burger being built in this town and

has recommended to the town council

that Rocket Burger be granted a permit.

It's now time to put this to a public vote.

So without further ado, all those in favor

of granting the permit, raise your hands and say, "Aye."

- Aye.

- All those opposed, raise your hands and say, "Nay."

- Nay.

- Motion passed.

- Let the record show...

Well, there's no one here to record this,

but we'll just try to remember it,

that Rocket Burger is now granted permission

to operate in this town.

And with that, I understand from Mr. Payne

that Rocket Burgers will be served in the lobby

for everyone.

- Oh, boy.

- Uh, everybody, would you, uh, please not leave yet?

This matter isn't quite settled.

- What are you talking about, Kirk?

- Mr. Payne, am I right that if I don't sell the Minuteman,

then you're not going to come in to this town after all?

- Well, yes, that's correct, but I understood

that you were going to sell.

- Well, whether I am or not, the point is

it's my decision, right? - I suppose so.

- Kirk, what are you doing?

- I've been doing a lot of thinking, Dick,

and I realized something.

I'm in a town I like living in,

I have someone who loves me, and up until yesterday,

I had great friends next door.

- On the other hand, I have a great opportunity,

but I don't think I could take it if I thought

it was going to hurt my best friend.

So I guess the thing I need to know before I say the thing

I think I'm going to say is, are you my best friend?

- What?

- I won't sell the Minuteman Caf�

if you say you're my best friend.

- Uh, you won't? - No.

- Well, um...

I, uh, I--I guess-- I guess I am.

- Am what?

- Uh, your-- your best friend.

- Say it.

- I am--I am your best friend.

- Say it louder.

- I am your best friend.

- Say it with me. Okay, okay, okay.

That's good enough. Just hug me.

- What? - Hug me or I sell.

- I'll, uh, I'll--I'll-- I'll shake your hand.

- Fair enough.

Dick's my best friend. I'm not selling.

- What?

- He said he's not selling. Go home.

[ chattering, laughing ]

- Do we still get our Rocket Burgers?

- No.

- Hey, you with the camera, how about a picture

of me with my best friend?

- Everybody smile.