Original subtitles

- Hi, George.

- Well, you're out early this morning.

What have you got there?

- Oh, some cosmetics.

- Where do you keep all that stuff?

- Any place I can find.

- Would you like me to make something for you

to keep all that in?

- Do you mean like a vanity?

Would you, George?

- Sure. I'd be glad to.

- It wouldn't have to be anything fancy.

It'd just have to be a place to hold my moisturizers,

mud packs, foundations, powders,

blushers, mascara, eyeliner,

eye shadow, curler, lipsticks and glosses.

- Is all that on there now?

- Yes, it is.

- Boy, when you wash your face, it must be this big.

- Where's Joanna?

- She's in the basement doing the laundry.

- Honey, would you come up here for a second?

- In a minute.

- As long as you're doing this,

do you think you could build me a swivel stool

so I can do this?

- What are you guys talking about?

- George is going to build me a vanity. Isn't that great?

- Stephanie, don't you think

you put a little too much emphasis

on, you know, how you look?

- Well, maybe, but what am I supposed to do?

I mean, nobody's ever said to me,

"Gee, Stephanie, you're smart."

Or "Gee, Stephanie, you're fun to be with."

All I've ever been complimented on are my looks.

Frankly, Dick, being attractive can be a real burden.

- That's true.

- You don't know how lucky you are.

- What'd you want, honey?

- Oh, I have some good news.

Paul Frazier called me.

He's the host of "Book Talk,"

and he wants me to be his guest this Sunday.

- You're kidding. That's wonderful.

- Yeah, that's fantastic. What's "Book Talk?"

- Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen it.

- Well, it's a local television program

where they interview writers.

- About what?

- About what they've written.

- No wonder I've never seen it.

- Well, I'm proud of you. I think it's great.

- � The most beautiful girl in the world �

� picks my ties out, cooks me dinner, is a winner �

Hi, guys. Everybody! - Kirk?

- � The most beautiful girl in the world �

� Cooks me dinner �

- I take it Cindy cooked dinner for you last night.

- It was unbelievable.

We had veal scaloppini, carrots vichy,

creamed spinach, chantilly potatoes

and french chocolate mousse.

But then I guess when you're in love, anything tastes good.

So what's new with you guys?

- We just found out Dick's gonna be on "Book Talk" this Sunday.

- "Book Talk?"

Is that the show that's on at 4:00 in the morning

right after "Amish Aerobics?"

- No. It happens to be

a very highly thought of program on Sunday.

- What time Sunday?

- It's the filler between the end of the football game

and the news.

- Certainly sounds like something people take seriously.

- Kirk, it doesn't matter what time it's on.

It's an honor that Dick has been recognized as a fine writer.

- Or a fine filler.

- Well, I know I'm going to watch.

- Me, too. - Not me.

- Why not?

- Because I'm dating Cindy. I have a life now.

- Well, I think the least you can do

is take a few minutes out to watch Dick.

- This is true.

Can I watch it over here? My TV's broken.

- Of course. We'll make it a party.

We'll pop some popcorn, have some hot cider

and make an afternoon of it.

- Boy, that sounds great.

- Would you like me to bring something?

- Sure. What would you like to bring?

- Cindy.

- The best part is, you just remove the two screws

and it becomes completely portable

so you can put it anywhere.

- Dick, that is fascinating.

We're talking to Dick Loudon,

author of "Let's Build a Barbecue,"

and we'll be right back after this commercial word.

- He's doing great, isn't he?

- I can't believe Cindy had to work today.

- Kirk, would you stop pouting?

She's entertaining at a child's birthday party.

- This is what I hate about dating a professional clown.

They're always busy on weekends.

That should be my time with Cindy.

- Kirk, you're being selfish.

- I'm being selfish?

I'm not the one who picked today to turn six.

- Shh. The commercial is almost over.

- Well, big whup.

- Kirk, if you don't wanna watch,

why don't you just go home?

- No, no. If I stay here,

at least I know there's someone more bored than I am.

- Who's that?

- The guy who's talking to Dick.

- [ chuckles ] Welcome back.

We're talking to Dick Loudon,

author of "Let's Build a Barbecue,"

which you can pick up at your neighborhood bookstore.

- No, it's not in the bookstores.

It's in the hardware stores.

- Oh.

- Locally, it can be found at Handy Sam, the Hardware Man.

- Well, thank you, Dick. You've been a wonderful guest.

I'm sorry the game ran long

and we didn't have more time to talk.

- Well, you know what they say.

Sometimes a man says more when he doesn't say anything.

- So true, so true.

Well, that closes the cover on another Sunday afternoon.

This is Paul Frazier for "Book Talk"

saying keep reading.

- Clear!

- Thanks, Dick. I really enjoyed talking to you.

I liked the book, too.

- Oh, thank you.

- Nice program, Paul.

- Oh, thanks.

Dick, this is our producer, Michael Harris.

- Oh, how do you do? - Nice show.

- Thank you.

- Well, if you two will excuse me,

I've got a few calls to make.

- Dick, can you spare a moment?

- Oh, sure.

- I like the way you handled yourself out there.

You're witty, you're articulate, you think quick on your seat.

I was impressed.

- Well, thank you.

- I mean it. You've got poise, charm, and intelligence,

and you seem to possess a keen insight into human nature.

- Well, you're no slouch yourself.

- Let me get right to the point.

Paul is leaving us.

In fact, this was his last show.

We've been looking around for a replacement.

I think you'd be perfect.

- Me?

- Why not?

- Well, don't get me wrong. I'm flattered,

but I don't have the time.

- Well, this doesn't take much time.

All you need to do is schedule a guest and read a book a week.

You do read, don't you? [ laughs ]

- You really think I could do it?

- Not only do I think you could do it,

I think you'd be terrific at it.

The show could really use a personality like yours.

Not to mention, it would be an opportunity

to meet and talk to other writers.

- Well, I must admit, I would enjoy that part of it.

- And you can get anybody you want because it's your show.

- Well, there are a few writers out there I'd like to talk with.

- Why don't you give it a try?

- Okay, what the heck.

- Great.

- I was honored just being a guest on the show.

I never thought that I'd be a host.

Carson better hope I never do "The Tonight Show".

[ laughs ]

- That's wit, right?

- Right.

- Love it. [ laughs ]

Well, see you next Sunday.

- What time should I be here?

- Just make sure you're here by the two-minute warning.

Hal, do we have any Danish?

- Do you want me to pick up anything on the way?

Okay, then I'll see you in about 20 minutes. Bye-bye.

Oh, hi, Dick. Something I can do for you?

- I just came over to say

I was sorry to hear that you're leaving.

- What? Oh, my God.

- Paul, I'm sorry.

I was under the impression that leaving was your idea.

- No.

- Well, don't leave yet. I'll be right back.

- Well, check with Dave and get back to me.

- Excuse me? - Oh, hi, Dick.

- I thought Paul knew he was leaving.

- You didn't tell him, did you?

- Yes. - Ooh.

How'd he take it?

- He's crushed. Who wouldn't be?

Look, I can't take this job.

- Oh, Dick, listen. You don't understand.

Paul is leaving

whether you decide to be the new host or not.

This decision was made long before we spotted you.

- Yeah, but still.

- He's been here 15 years.

I think they just feel it's time for a new face.

Look, it's not even my decision.

This comes straight from the president...

of Channel 8, I mean.

- [ blows nose ]

- And you're sure there's no way

that Paul could get his job back?

- Dick, they're already out there

scraping his name off the parking space.

Believe me, you're not squeezing anybody out.

You're filling a vacancy.

- All right, but I still don't like the idea.

- But you will do it?

- All right, I guess so.

- Terrific.

- But I'm dedicating next week's show to Paul.

- That's a super idea. See you next week.

- Paul, I'm sorry.

- Well, then it's true?

- I'm afraid so.

- But I've been doing this show for 15 years.

Who are they gonna get to replace me?

- Actually, they mentioned something about me.

- Oh, that makes sense.

I guess if a man can build a barbecue,

he can host a talk show.

Oh, look, you'll give me some time

to clear out my desk, won't you?

- Sure. No, take all the time you need.

Elliott, you're a literary agent.

You must know some authors.

It's not Timbuktu, it's Vermont.

Well, I don't care who you get. Just get somebody.

- Trouble? - Nobody wants to do the show.

- I thought you were gonna get Norman Mailer?

- I was. He turned me down.

- You talked to Norman Mailer?

- I talked to his agent's secretary.

She turned me down.

Now, honey, the only reason I took this job

was to meet and talk with authors.

I thought they'd be as excited as I am to be on the show.

- Well, what are you gonna do?

- I'll just hope Elliott can come up with somebody.

If he doesn't, I may wind up interviewing myself.

- Is there anything I can do to help?

- Can you write a book by Sunday?

- I have got great news.

Guess who's gonna sponsor your show.

- Oh, Lord.

- You would not believe

how cheap it is to advertise on that program.

- I don't wanna hear.

- Are you sure? It's funny.

- Why are you doing this, Kirk?

- It's a perfect client.

The host of "Book Talk" is my neighbor and my best friend.

- Will you quit calling me your best friend?

This is not the kind of program where you hawk hamburgers.

- Dick, I realize it's a classy show,

but I intend to do a classy commercial.

That's why I want Joanna to be my spokeswoman for the cafe.

- Me? - Joanna?

- Honey, I really don't think we both have to be that surprised.

- I think you'd be perfect.

You're the most sophisticated woman I know.

- I am? - Yeah.

- What do you think, Dick?

- Well, honey, it's up to you.

But, I mean, you really want to be seen

representing a greasy, crummy cafe?

- What would I wear?

- Anything you want.

- Dick, I know you're worried

that Kirk is gonna do something embarrassing,

but if I were there, I could make sure that didn't happen.

- Honey, I told you,

if you want to do it, it's up to you.

- Well, okay, if everybody really thinks I'd be good.

- Great. We have to shoot the commercial on Sunday.

- Sunday's fine.

- Wait a minute.

Neither of us is gonna be here on Sunday.

I'd better tell George and Stephanie.

- Oh, by the way, they say TV adds 10 pounds to you,

so you might wanna drop a few beforehand.

- You haven't seen the producer of the show, have you?

- Hal?

- Have you seen the producer of the show?

- Have a good show, Dick.

- Michael, wait a minute. Where have you been?

I've been trying to reach you all week.

You never returned my calls.

- Didn't I? Sorry.

What's the problem?

- Well, you never told me how hard it was to get guests.

I mean, you said it'd take a couple hours.

I've been on the phone all week calling people.

- Gee, I hope you got somebody.

- Yeah, I did. I don't know how good he is.

I got him at the last minute.

- Well, what's his book?

- "The Complete History of the Universe."

- Sounds good. What's the problem?

- This is it.

- Well, don't worry.

The game will probably go into overtime.

You'll just be on for a few minutes anyway.

Have a good one.

- A few minutes, Mr. Loudon.

- Have you seen my guest?

That's starting to hurt.

- Excuse me. Mr. Loudon?

- Uh, yes.

- My name is Lloyd Menninger.

I'm supposed to be your guest today.

- My guest's name is Donald Boone.

- Well, apparently Mr. Boone couldn't make it

and I'm supposed to be a replacement.

- Oh, great. Just what I needed.

- I'm sorry if that's a problem.

- No, no, that's all right.

It's just I haven't read your book.

- I have it right here.

- "Up The Amazon" by Colonel Lloyd Menninger.

You're a colonel?

- Yes. Air Force, but I'm retired.

- Oh. What's the book about?

- It's about a canoe trip I took

up the Amazon a couple of years ago.

- One minute, Mr. Loudon.

- Oh, okay. Do you think

you can talk about this for 10 or 15 minutes?

- Oh, I can talk about this for days.

- Great. Thank you.

Okay, I'll introduce you and then I'll say,

tell us about your trip, Colonel,

and then you take it from there.

- Fine.

- Now when I give you your cue, read this.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

- Hi. I'm Dick Loudon and this "Book Talk."

For those of you who are used to seeing Paul Frazier

sitting in this chair, I should tell you

that Paul has decided to leave

and go on to what I'm sure will be

an incredibly successful career doing something else.

Just a personal note, good luck, Paul.

This one's for you.

My guest in the studio today is Colonel Lloyd Menninger.

He's written a fascinating book called "Up the Amazon."

Colonel, tell us about your trip.

- Thank you, Dick.

I've always been fascinated by stories about the Amazon,

so when I retired from the Air Force,

I arranged for some guides and canoes

and after a month of planning,

set out to travel from the mouth

to the source of the Amazon.

The whole trip was a medley of pain and pleasure.

- And why is that, Colonel?

- Well, there were times the mosquitoes were so thick,

we couldn't see each other.

And sometimes the air was so heavy,

we felt we were drinking it instead of breathing it.

And yet the sheer spectacle

of those deep green rainforests,

unspoiled by any man, was worth every inconvenience.

- Now, did you get to the source of the river?

- Not quite, Dick.

About five months into the trip,

we decided to explore a tributary

hundreds of miles from any civilization.

A day or two into this side trip,

we pulled the canoes over to the bank

and decided to do some exploring on foot.

We walked for several miles

when we came upon a clearing in the jungle

that had some of the most breathtaking scenery

I think I've ever seen.

- Why don't you tell us about it, Colonel?

- Well, Dick, it was a beautiful, primeval valley

filled with hundreds of varieties of exotic vegetation,

and perhaps most amazing,

a herd of prehistoric dinosaurs.

- Uh, what?

- That's right, Dick.

Some docile brontosauri, flying pterodactyls,

and, of course, the king of these great beasts,

the carnivorous tyrannosaurus rex.

Needless to say, we were shocked.

Amazed...

Simultaneously amazed and terrified,

we were torn between running for our lives

and running for our cameras. [ chuckles ]

- Are you trying to tell us

that you found dinosaurs in South America?

- Correct, Dick.

Of course, I would not be making these claims

without documented proof.

I have here an actual un-retouched photo

clearly showing the existence of these giant reptiles.

- I can't make out anything in that photo.

- Well, of course, it was taken from the air.

- Wait a minute.

I thought you said you made the trip by canoe.

- We did, Dick, but we were graciously transported aloft

to take this photograph

by the extraterrestrials who live in the area.

- Extraterrestrials?

- That's right. They are actually ball-shaped

and communicate through telepathy.

- Don't go away...

Not that you would.

We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor.

- And we're into commercial.

- Right. Okay, break. Good, Dick.

Michael Harris.

Terrific. - Thank you.

- Can we get makeup here?

- Michael, could I talk to you for a second?

- After the show, Dick.

- Just look at the monitor, Dick.

I'll cue you when the commercial's over.

- Hi, friends. Kirk Devane, owner of the Minuteman Cafe.

How much would you pay

for this delicious, juicy, all-beef hamburger patty

on a wonderful white bread bun?

Well, don't answer yet.

What if I threw in a very green lettuce leaf,

an entire onion slice,

and some, mm-mmm, lip-smacking pickles?

Now how much would you pay?

Well, don't say anything because at the Minuteman,

we also give you your choice of condiments,

mustard or catsup.

Now you might expect to pay as much $15 or $20

for a meal like this at some restaurants.

But at the Minuteman,

the monster meal on a bun is only $3.29.

You heard me right, $3.29.

And they are irresistible.

Why, this lady here... turn around...

is on her fourth burger.

Yes, a perfectly attractive woman

willing to eat herself into obesity for my burger.

And you will too

once you've had a monster meal on a bun

at Kirk Devane's Minuteman Cafe next door to the Stratford Inn,

owned by your "Book Talk" host, Dick Loudon.

Back to you, Dick.

- We're back. Cue, Dick.

- We're talking with retired Air Force Colonel Lloyd Menninger,

who has written his book called, "Up the Amazon,"

in which he purports to have seen dinosaurs and aliens

living somewhere in Brazil.

Colonel, uh, I'm sure that you'll have to admit

that you've made some extraordinary claims.

And at the risk of sounding realistic,

it seems to me that if there were dinosaurs

and alien beings on the banks of the Amazon,

we would have heard about it before this.

- Well, not from me, Dick.

I've been in hiding.

- Hiding?

- Correct, Dick.

The government is trying to kill me.

Obviously, when I say government,

I mean specifically the CIA.

They know that if this information were to get out,

it would panic the public.

- But you're not hiding now.

- Well, Dick, I didn't feel I could pass up

an opportunity to speak on television.

I've been trying for months to tell my story over the airwaves,

but as we all know, the three major networks

as well as PBS and most cable channels

are now controlled by the Soviet Union.

- Okay. I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today.

- Four more minutes, Dick.

- Not for me, pal.

This is Dick Loudon for "Book Talk" saying goodbye,

and please try to forget this.

- And how long have you been in the KGB, Dick?

- Meow.