Original subtitles

JOANNA, DICK WANTS TO KNOW

IF YOU REMEMBERED TO PACK HIS RAZOR AND SHAVING CREAM.

TELL HIM I PACKED EVERYTHING.

SHE DID, DICK.

- HE SURE IS EXCITED. - I KNOW.

I DON'T BLAME HIM, GETTING TO MEET A STAR LIKE ERICA CHASE.

I'D LIKE TO READ HER LIFE STORY

EVEN IF DICK DOESN'T GET TO BE THE WRITER.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

I READ ALL ABOUT HER, STANDING IN LINE

AT THE GROCERY STORE.

GEORGE, I'M SURE ALL THAT GOSSIP ABOUT HER LOVE LIFE

IS HIGHLY EXAGGERATED.

- YOU THINK SO? - I HOPE SO.

ANYWAY, I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT IN THE BOOK.

I JUST HOPE DICK GETS THIS ASSIGNMENT.

I THINK IT MEANS A LOT TO HIM.

WELL, I'M SURE HE WILL.

DICK'S A GOOD GUY.

GEORGE, THEY DON'T GIVE BOOK ASSIGNMENTS

BECAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.

THEY GIVE THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE TALENTED.

UH-OH.

[DICK] JOANNA, HAVE YOU SEEN THE TIE I WAS GOING TO WEAR?

- IT'S IN THE BEDROOM. - I CAN'T FIND IT.

- DID YOU LOOK IN THE CLOSET? - I LOOKED EVERYWHERE.

- WHAT ABOUT ON THE DRESSER? - EVERYWHERE.

DID YOU LOOK ON THE HANGER WITH YOUR SPORT COAT?

THANK YOU!

YOU KNOW, I'M PROBABLY ONE OF ERICA CHASE'S BIGGEST FANS.

ARE YOU, GEORGE?

DID YOU EVER SEE THAT MOVIE SHE MADE ABOUT WORLD WAR III,

WHERE SHE ENDED UP THE LAST WOMAN ON EARTH

IN A BIKINI?

NO.

BOY, CAN SHE ACT.

WELL, ALL I NEED IS MY BRIEFCASE AND I'M OFF.

HERE IT IS.

AH, THANK YOU.

YOU REALIZE THAT THIS WILL BE THE FIRST NIGHT

THAT WE WILL HAVE SPENT APART SINCE WE MOVED TO VERMONT?

HONEY, I ASKED YOU IF YOU WANTED TO COME WITH ME,

BUT YOU SAID YOU HAD TOO MANY THINGS TO DO.

I KNOW.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE GOING OFF TO NEW YORK

TO HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH A MOVIE STAR,

AND I'M, YOU KNOW...

TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY.

YEAH.

WELL, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I DO.

GOOD.

THEN HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.

AND YOU HAVE THE NUMBER WHERE YOU CAN REACH ME

IN CASE ANYTHING COMES UP.

I WOULD NEVER BOTHER YOU

UNLESS IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE EMERGENCY.

DICK, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET ERICA CHASE

TO AUTOGRAPH A PICTURE FOR ME?

WELL, I'LL TRY, GEORGE.

GEORGE, THIS IS A PICTURE OF YOU.

I KNOW. I DON'T HAVE A PICTURE OF HER, DICK.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

YOU'LL CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU KNOW ANYTHING.

- I PROMISE. - AND GOOD LUCK.

- THANK YOU. - I'LL MISS YOU.

I KNOW.

I MISS YOU, TOO.

DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'LL GET IT?

I REALLY DO, GEORGE.

DICK'S A VERY FINE WRITER.

NO, I MEANT THE PICTURE.

I'M SURE HE'LL DO HIS BEST.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THE INN NOW THAT DICK IS GONE.

GEORGE, I'M IN CHARGE OF THE INN WHEN DICK IS HERE.

YOU ARE?

WHO DO YOU THINK CHECKS IN THE GUESTS

AND KEEPS THE BOOKS AND PAYS YOU YOUR SALARY?

WELL, I KNOW YOU DO ALL THAT.

I JUST ALWAYS THOUGHT, AFTER YOU DID IT,

YOU WENT AND TOLD DICK.

EXCUSE ME.

COULD SOMEBODY GIVE ME A HAND WITH THIS?

HEY, STEPHANIE!

JOANNA, GUESS WHO'S HERE?

STEPHANIE.

- YEAH. - YOU REMEMBER.

WELL, OF COURSE WE REMEMBER. HOW ARE YOU?

FINE.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY SHOWING UP LIKE THIS.

I KNOW YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING ME.

DON'T BE SILLY. COME ON IN.

SIT DOWN.

IS THIS ALL YOUR LUGGAGE?

- NO, THERE'S MORE IN THE CAR. - I'LL GET IT.

GOSH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

WHAT BRINGS YOU UP HERE?

WELL, I WAS TALKING TO LESLIE LAST NIGHT,

AND I JUST SORT OF GOT THE URGE TO SEE EVERYBODY AGAIN.

HOW IS SHE?

LESLIE?

OH, SHE'S FINE.

SHE CALLED ME FROM--

NOW, WHERE WAS IT?

ENGLAND.

NO, I KNOW IT WAS ENGLAND.

I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER THE TOWN.

SOMETHING ABOUT SHOES.

- OXFORD. - RIGHT.

SHE'S OVER THERE--

WHAT DID SHE TELL ME SHE WAS DOING OVER THERE?

FINISHING HER EDUCATION.

THAT'S IT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME

IF I SEEM A LITTLE SCATTERED.

MY MIND HASN'T BEEN FUNCTIONING TOO WELL LATELY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

OH, YEAH, I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY.

- REALLY? - NO, NOT REALLY.

WHEN I SAY BUSY, I MEAN DEPRESSED.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I ENDED MY MARRIAGE WITH CARL.

OH, STEPHANIE, I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

YEAH, SO WAS CARL.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?

I JUST MADE A MISTAKE. THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN, CARL WAS THIS SWEET, WONDERFUL GUY,

BUT HE JUST WASN'T SOMEBODY I COULD SPEND MY LIFE WITH,

AND RATHER THAN GO ON LIVING A CHARADE,

I DECIDED TO END IT.

- WHEN WAS THIS? - AT THE RECEPTION.

HUH?

OH, OF COURSE I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING RIGHT THEN.

I STAYED MARRIED TO HIM THE WHOLE WEEKEND

SO I WOULDN'T SEEM FLIGHTY.

YOUR WHOLE MARRIAGE LASTED TWO DAYS?

I KNOW. IT SOUNDS SHORT, DOESN'T IT,

BUT, BELIEVE ME, IT SEEMED LIKE A WEEK.

STEPHANIE, I KNOW IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT TWO DAYS?

HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT QUICKLY?

I JUST DID, JOANNA.

LOOK. NOBODY WANTED TO BE MARRIED MORE THAN I DID.

EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

I WANTED TO BE MARRIED.

I WAS GROOMED TO BE MARRIED.

I JUST COULDN'T BE MARRIED TO CARL.

UNFORTUNATELY MY PARENTS DON'T SEE IT THAT WAY.

THEY THINK THE WHOLE PROBLEM

IS THAT I'VE HAD EVERYTHING TOO EASY ALL MY LIFE,

AND NOW THAT I'M GROWN UP,

I CAN'T FACE RESPONSIBILITY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I REALLY TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

THAT'S OKAY, GEORGE. YOU CAN GET THE REST LATER.

OH, THANKS.

STEPHANIE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS.

IF IT'S ABOUT THE LUGGAGE, I CAN GET THE REST NOW.

NO, GEORGE, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT STEPHANIE'S MARRIAGE.

IT BROKE UP.

OH, I'M SORRY.

THE WORST PART

IS THAT MY FAMILY THINKS IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT

FOR NEVER MAKING ME WORK FOR ANYTHING,

SO NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT.

THEY SAY IT'S TIME I FACED REALITY.

THEY SAY IT'S TIME I LEFT HOME

AND STARTED TRYING TO SUPPORT MYSELF.

YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO GET A JOB?

HEY, IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

IT'S THE END OF MY WORLD.

ANYWAY, THAT'S REALLY WHY I'M HERE.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME FIND SOMETHING.

OF COURSE. YOU KNOW WE'LL HELP YOU ANY WAY WE CAN.

PROBLEM IS I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO HIRE ME.

I MEAN, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE.

I DON'T HAVE AN EDUCATION.

SOMETIMES I THINK THE ONLY THING I'M GOOD FOR

IF LOOKING AT,

THOUGHT THAT'S IMPORTANT.

I ADMIT FINDING A JOB WON'T BE EASY.

- IT'S GOING TO BE IMPOSSIBLE. - NO, IT ISN'T.

- IF WORSE COMES TO WORSE, YOU COULD ALWAYS-- - ALWAYS WHAT?

WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY, YOU COULD ALWAYS WORK HERE.

SERIOUSLY?

OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE TO DISCUSS IT WITH DICK.

UNFORTUNATELY HE JUST LEFT FOR NEW YORK.

OH.

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

I'M SURE HE'D GO ALONG WITH THIS.

IN FACT I KNOW HE WOULD. RIGHT?

OH, WHAT THE HECK, YOU'VE GOT THE JOB.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

DOING WHAT?

WELL, YOU COULD DO WHAT LESLIE USED TO DO.

YOU COULD BE A MAID.

A MAID.

OH, BOY.

I REALIZE IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, BUT AT LEAST IT'S A START.

OH, LISTEN. I APPRECIATE IT.

- CONGRATULATIONS. - THANKS.

I HAD NO IDEA, WHEN I CAME LOOKING FOR A JOB,

THAT I'D END UP HERE.

REALLY?

WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE INKLING.

- BUT I'M SO... - OH.

AND YOU KNOW?

THE BEST PART.

IT CAME SO EASILY.

MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE, GENTLEMEN.

MISS CHASE AND HER MANAGER ARE RUNNING A LITTLE LATE.

- THEY'LL BE UP IN JUST A BIT. - THANK YOU.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST LET ME KNOW.

WELL, YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY. HAVEN'T YOU?

I GUESS.

DID YOU EVER THINK,

WHEN YOU SOLD THAT FIRST MAGAZINE ARTICLE,

THAT SOME DAY YOU AND I WOULD BE STANDING

IN ERICA CHASE'S HOTEL ROOM

ABOUT TO MAKE A DEAL FOR A BEST SELLER?

NOT REALLY.

I SURE DIDN'T.

GOTTA TELL YOU.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

ELLIOTT, YOU'VE GIVEN ME THAT SPEECH A HUNDRED TIMES.

YEAH, BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE MEANT IT.

[PHONE RINGS]

- I'LL GET IT. - YOU THINK WE SHOULD?

- IT'S NOT OUR PHONE. - IT'S PROBABLY MY OFFICE.

YEAH. UH-HUH, HOW YOU DOING?

YEAH, WE JUST GOT HERE.

YOU SHOULD SEE THIS ROOM. YOU WOULD DIE.

NOTHING. WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE WAITING FOR ERICA.

SURE. HOLD ON.

IT'S JOANNA.

JOANNA?

HI, HONEY. IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I REMEMBER OUR CONVERSATION

WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOU'D ONLY CALL ME

IF IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE EMERGENCY.

WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY?

STEPHANIE? I REMEMBER HER.

SHE MARRIED THAT GUY CARL.

ALREADY, HUH?

HONEY, I DON'T THINK I'D DO THAT.

WELL, BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER WORKED A DAY IN HER LIFE.

HONEY, WAIT A MINUTE. I'M CONFUSED.

ARE YOU CALLING ME TO ASK MY OPINION

OR TO TELL ME YOU'VE DONE IT?

IN THAT CASE, I THINK IT'S A BAD IDEA.

YOU DID.

THEN GOOD LUCK.

NO, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED

AND WE WERE ABLE TO TALK IT OVER.

I WILL AS SOON AS I KNOW ANYTHING.

I LOVE YOU, TOO. WHAT'S THAT?

TELL GEORGE NOT YET.

WHAT'S UP?

I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON BACK HOME.

THIS GIRL WE KNOW LEFT HER HUSBAND,

AND JOANNA HIRED HER AS A MAID.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT LIFE TO STAND STILL JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE.

I'VE BEEN GONE AN HOUR AND A HALF.

GEORGE, WHERE'S THAT BROCHURE

THAT HAS A DIAGRAM OF THE INN?

I WANTED TO USE IT TO SHOW STEPHANIE AROUND.

DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW HER AROUND?

WOULD YOU? THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

SURE. HECK, I PRACTICALLY GREW UP HERE.

I DOUBT IF ANYBODY KNOWS THE INN

AS WELL AS I DO.

THAT'S TRUE.

WHY DON'T YOU START WITH THE MUD PORCH.

THE WHAT?

THE LITTLE PORCH OFF THE KITCHEN.

THEN YOU CAN WORK YOUR WAY BACK THROUGH THE HOUSE.

OH, RIGHT, GOOD IDEA.

STEPHANIE'S UPSTAIRS.

WHY DON'T YOU GO GET HER.

GOOD IDEA.

[WHISPERING] PSST. JOANNA.

- HI, KIRK. - SHH.

WHERE'S STEPHANIE?

UPSTAIRS. GEORGE JUST WENT TO GET HER.

- IS IT TRUE WHAT I'VE HEARD? - WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

THAT YOU'VE HIRED HER TO WORK HERE?

- YES. - I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WERE YOU THINKING OF?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE LAST TIME SHE WAS HERE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER.

KIRK, THE LAST TIME STEPHANIE WAS HERE,

SHE WAS VERY MIXED UP.

THAT IS THE ONLY REASON THAT NIGHT EVER HAPPENED.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LOOK, YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT THAT NIGHT.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THERE IS NO WAY I CAN LIVE NEXT DOOR TO HER

KNOWING THAT EVERY TIME I SEE HER

AND SHE SEES ME, WE'RE GOING TO BE REMINDED OF IT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE HIDING IN YOUR CAFE,

AFRAID TO COME OUT FOR FEAR THAT SHE'LL CATCH A GLIMPSE OF YOU?

- YEAH. - [GEORGE] JOANNA.

- THAT'S THEM. HIDE ME. - I WILL NOT.

THEN I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE,

AND I'M NEVER COMING BACK.

JOANNA, WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

WHAT IS IT, GEORGE?

STEPHANIE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, NOTHING.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I CALLED MY PARENTS TO TELL THEM THE GOOD NEWS.

THEY SAID THAT COMING UP HERE WAS A STUPID IDEA

AND TAKING THIS JOB WAS A STUPID IDEA,

AND THEY WANT ME TO COME BACK HOME.

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

GOING HOME JUST MEANS MORE THAN BEING UPSET

AND CRITICIZING ME

AND TRYING TO GET ME TO GO BACK TO CARL.

THEN AGAIN, IT'S NOT CLEANING TOILETS.

GEE, STEPHANIE, I'M SORRY.

I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD SAY.

SO DO I.

BOY, IF I HAD KNOWN LIFE WAS GOING TO BE THIS HARD

AT MY COMING OUT PARTY,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE COME OUT.

[ELLIOTT] THIS IS A GREAT SUITE.

ELLIOTT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

JUST LYING ON HER BED.

WOULD YOU GET OUT HERE?

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUT BEING IN A ROOM

AND THE PERSON ISN'T THERE.

WILL YOU CALM DOWN?

BOY, IF YOU'RE THIS NERVOUS NOW,

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE LIKE WHEN THEY GET HERE?

I WOULDN'T BE THIS NERVOUS IF YOU WEREN'T SNOOPING AROUND.

OKAY, TAKE IT EASY.

LOOK, LET'S GO OVER OUR GAME PLAN.

FIGURE OUT HOW YOU'RE GOING TO ACT.

ALL I CAN BE IS MYSELF.

YOU COULD BE BETTER AT IT.

LOOK, THE MAIN THING IS NOT TO MAKE THEM THINK

THAT YOU NEED THE JOB.

I DON'T NEED THE JOB.

IT WOULDN'T HURT.

I'M JUST SAYING, BE ALOOF.

BE ABOVE IT ALL.

WHEN ERICA CHASE AND HER MANAGER

WALK IN THAT DOOR,

ACT LIKE YOU COULDN'T CARE LESS.

HI, SORRY WE'RE RUNNING LATE.

SORRY? AN IMPORTANT GUY LIKE HIM

APOLOGIZING TO NOBODIES LIKE US.

ERICA WILL BE UP IN A SECOND. YOU MUST BE DICK AND ELLIOTT.

- I'M ELLIOTT. - THEN YOU MUST BE DICK.

HI, JOHN CARSON, ERICA'S MANAGER.

YOU MUST TAKE A LOT OF KIDDING ABOUT THE NAME.

WHY'S THAT?

JOHN CARSON. JOHNNY CARSON.

OH.

UH, CAN I GET YOU GUYS ANYTHING TO DRINK?

- UH-- - NO, NO THANKS.

- WHATTA YOU GOT? - YOU NAME IT.

I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WATER.

FINE. SO WHERE YOU FROM, DICK?

HERE ORIGINALLY BUT WE LIVE IN VERMONT NOW.

OH, YES, BEAUTIFUL UP THERE.

I HAVE AN AUNT OR A GRANDMOTHER, SOMEBODY WHO LIVES UP THERE.

LIKE TO GET BACK, BUT TIME, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD KILL PRETTY CLOSE TO AN HOUR

GETTING THERE FROM HERE.

SO HAVE YOU BEEN INTERVIEWING A LOT OF PEOPLE?

NOT REALLY.

ERICA'S A LITTLE CONCERNED,

BUT I SAID, "ERICA, RELAX.

YOUR STORY IS SO INCREDIBLE, A MONKEY COULD WRITE IT."

DICK, THE THING WE WANT MOST

IS FOR THIS STORY TO BE A QUALITY PIECE OF WORK.

GREAT. I FEEL THE SAME WAY.

HOW FAST DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT DONE?

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT-- THAT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH TIME THAT ERICA WANTS TO DEVOTE TO IT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT DICK.

HE'S BEEN GRINDING THEM OUT FOR YEARS.

I DON'T GRIND THEM OUT.

UH, I'M SORRY, DICK. I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE A HACK.

BELIEVE ME. WHEN YOU NEED IT, HE'LL HAVE IT.

HI. SORRY I'M LATE.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S ERICA CHASE.

ERICA, THIS IS DICK LOUDON AND ELLIOTT GABLER.

- HOW DO YOU DO? - [PHONE RINGING]

- I'LL GET IT. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- I'M IN AWE. - THANK YOU. PLEASE SIT DOWN.

FOR YOU, DICK.

ARE YOU SURE?

CROSS MY HEART.

YOU CAN TAKE IT THERE.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

HELLO. OH, HI, HONEY.

YEAH, EVERYONE'S HERE.

WE'RE JUST STARTING TO GET ACQUAINTED.

HE IS THRILLED AT THE THOUGHT OF WORKING WITH YOU.

- REALLY? - I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

MONEY WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM.

HONEY, I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T CALL IF IT WASN'T IMPORTANT.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

JOANNA, IF STEPHANIE DOESN'T WANT TO STAY THERE,

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO KEEP HER THERE.

HONEY, I REALLY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO TALK RIGHT NOW.

WELL, MY ADVICE IS QUE SERA, SERA.

THAT MEANS LET HER GO, LET HER GO.

NOW I'VE GOT TO GO.

THE MOMENT I KNOW SOMETHING. I PROMISE.

TELL HIM, IF HE ASKS ONE MORE TIME,

HE'S NOT EVEN GETTING HIS OWN PICTURE BACK.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

GOOD-BYE.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE THING BACK HOME

THAT FOR SOME REASON IS BECOMING A BIG THING.

WHERE WERE WE?

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET ERICA A DRINK.

DID JOHN TELL YOU HOW I HAPPENED TO ASK FOR YOU?

ELLIOTT SAID YOU READ A BOOK OF MINE.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT, LAST YEAR.

I READ HOW TO MAKE A DOGHOUSE YOUR PET WILL THANK YOU FOR,

AND I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I LOVED IT.

IT WAS FUNNY AND FRESH

AND JUST SO DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING ELSE YOU READ,

SO WHEN THIS WHOLE THING CAME UP,

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE USUAL PEOPLE.

I SAID TO JOHN, "WHY DON'T WE GET THAT MAN WHO WROTE THE HOW-TO BOOK?"

NO, THANK YOU.

SO JOHN STARTED CHECKING IT OUT

TO FIND OUT WHO DID IT, AND PEOPLE SAID,

"IF IT'S A HOW-TO BOOK,

IT'S GOT TO BE DICK LOUDON,"

AND WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? HERE YOU ARE.

I DIDN'T WRITE THAT BOOK.

- WHAT? - IT'S NOT MINE. IT WAS PRESTON PETERS.

- WELL, ISN'T THAT FUNNY. - YEAH.

THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING.

I MEAN, APPARENTLY WE HAVE CALLED YOU HERE FOR NOTHING.

WAIT A MINUTE, DICK. YOU'RE A WRITER, AREN'T YOU?

YEAH.

LIKE WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN?

LOTS OF THINGS, REALLY--

HOW TO BUILD PLYWOOD FURNITURE

ANYONE WOULD BE PROUD OF,

UM, 101 USES FOR GARDEN HOSES,

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING IN THE HUMOROUS VEIN.

AND I GUESS MY BIGGEST SELLER

WOULD BE YOU, TOO, CAN CARVE.

WELL, THOSE SOUND CUTE.

HAVE YOU READY ANY OF THOSE, JOHN?

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU SEEM LIKE A VERY NICE PERSON,

AND I GUESS A WRITER'S A WRITER.

EXACTLY.

WHY DON'T I AT LEAST TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

YEAH, I'D REALLY LIKE TO HEAR THAT.

WHEN THEY CAME TO ME WITH THIS IDEA,

THEY SAID, "ERICA, IF ANYBODY'S LIFE IS MEANT TO BE A BOOK, IT'S YOURS."

AND I GUESS IT'S TRUE.

I DO TEND TO FALL IN LOVE A LOT.

THE PROBLEM IS I KNOW HOW TO LIVE,

BUT I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA HOW TO PUT IT ON PAPER.

THAT'S PERFECT. DICK'S JUST THE OPPOSITE.

ANYWAY, WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

IS SOMEONE I CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH.

I THINK I DO HAVE SOME FUN STORIES TO TELL.

OF COURSE I DON'T KNOW IF THE PEOPLE I'M GOING TO NAME

WILL THINK THEY'RE FUN.

YEAH, THAT IS A CONCERN OF MINE.

WHAT ARE THE ACTUAL LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS

OF NAMING NAMES?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT CLEARS THAT UP.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, DICK?

OBVIOUSLY I'M INTERESTED,

OR I WOULDN'T BE HERE.

I'M SORRY I'M NOT THE PERSON YOU WERE LOOKING FOR,

BUT I THINK I COULD DO A GOOD JOB.

DO YOU REALLY?

YES, I THINK THE IMPORTANT THING IS

THAT YOU TELL YOUR STORY

THE WAY YOU WANT IT TOLD

RATHER THAN THE WAY THE TABLOIDS

HAVE ALREADY BEEN TELLING IT.

I LIKE THAT.

I LOVE IT.

CAN I BE HONEST?

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PICK A WRITER.

IF I DID, I GUESS I WOULD HAVE MADE BETTER MOVIES,

BUT I'VE GOT A FEELING YOU AND I COULD BE GOOD TOGETHER.

WELL, I THINK SO, TOO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, JOHN?

ABSOLUTELY.

THEN IT'S SETTLED.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO OUT AND MAKE

WHATEVER DEALS HAVE TO BE MADE

WHILE DICK AND I POUR A GLASS OF SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE.

- YOU MEAN THIS IS IT? - UH-HUH.

HEY, THAT'S GREAT.

CONGRATULATIONS. THIS IS GREAT.

YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE A GREAT TEAM.

THIS IS GOING TO MAKE A GREAT BOOK.

THIS IS SO GREAT. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

THIS SHOULDN'T TAKE LONG.

I THINK HE'S ALMOST AS EXCITED AS I AM.

WELL, HE SHOULD BE. I THINK WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A GREAT TEAM.

OF COURSE IT'LL TAKE A LITTLE WHILE

FOR US TO GET USED TO EACH OTHER.

THAT'S TRUE.

ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME BEFORE WE BEGIN.

I LIKE TO WRITE IN THE MORNING.

I JUST-- I JUST THINK I THINK BETTER.

THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME, TOO.

AND WHAT'S THAT?

I'VE NEVER WORKED WITH A MAN I HAVEN'T BEEN INTIMATE WITH.

NEXT WEEK ON NEWHART...

I THINK WE BETTER TALK ABOUT IT NOW.

MISS CHASE, I'M MARRIED.

CALL ME ERICA.

I'M NOT GOING TO CALL YOU ERICA.

I'M MARRIED.

DICK, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL ANYBODY ABOUT US.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? YOU'RE WRITING A BOOK.

SHE'S UPSTAIRS IN HER ROOM,

TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO STAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHE CALLED HER PARENTS,

AND THEY WANT HER TO COME BACK HOME.

PROBABLY SEEMS CRAZY AT MY AGE

TO BE THIS NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT MY PARENTS SAY,

BUT THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW MY PARENTS.

WE UNDERSTAND.

I THINK JUST THIS ONCE

I'M GOING TO TRY TALKING TO THEM LIKE AN ADULT.

GOOD FOR YOU.

HI, DADDY. IT'S STEPHIE.

ARE YOU, UH-- ARE YOU WANTING ME AGAIN?

UH-HUH.

HONEY, I'M NOT IRRITATED YOU CALLED.

I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T CALL IF IT WASN'T IMPORTANT.

HE'S NOT GOING TO TRY TO TAKE YOU BY FORCE.

HONESTLY, THIS IS A PARENT-CHILD CONFRONTATION,

NOT A MILITARY MANEUVER.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

WHAT IS THAT?

DADDY'S CHOPPER. HE'S HERE.

ERICA, THIS IS STUPID. WE'RE TWO SANE, MATURE PEOPLE.

I AGREE.

THEN LET ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[MEOW]