All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E08

George,
have you seen Joanna?

The last I saw her,
she was on her way
to the market.

Want me to get
you some lunch?

No, that's all right.

You're already eating.
It'd be too much trouble.

No trouble.

Well, in that case.

Did you ever get
to that garage door
I told you about?

You mean the one
I told you about?

I mean,
the one I told you about.

You mean the one
with the broken hinge?

That's the one
I told you about.

Did you know that
your garbage disposal
was broken?

No. When did that happen?

I don't know. But remember
you heard it from me first.

Hi, honey. Hi, George.

Oh, you know
there's a step loose
on the back porch.

I knew that. Did you?

Well, I'd like to visit,
but looks like I have
a busy afternoon.

Here, I'll...
Let me put some
of that stuff away.

Thanks.

GEORGE: What step
did you say that was?

(CRASHING)

GEORGE:
Never mind, I got it.

You know, honey,
I just love going
to the market here.

It's so different
from New York.

Where do these go?

Do you know
they actually have
a pickle barrel?

I mean, right in
the middle of the store,

there's this great
big wooden barrel

with all these
pickles floating in it.

And you just
stick your hand in
and grab one.

Isn't that charming?

Oh, that's great.
I love fresh pickles.

But where are they?

I didn't get any.

Why not?

'Cause you have
to stick your hand
in that barrel.

Where does this go?

On the shelf,
under the olive oil.

Oh, by the way, did you know
that you're famous in town?

Actually,
there was just one woman
who came up

and asked if you
were my husband.

She seemed to know
an awful lot about us.

Did she know where
we kept the olive oil?

She wants to be a writer.

Well, she'll get over it.

Where does this go?

Dick, why don't you
let me do this?

I'm just trying to help.

But you aren't helping,
are you?

No.
No.

Anyway, this woman asked me
a lot of questions about you.

Like what?

Like, would you
read her work?

I hope you found a nice way
of getting rid of her.

I invited her to dinner.

How did she take it?

Dick, you of all
people know how hard it is
to get started as a writer.

I thought you'd
want to help her.

These people
don't want help.
They want praise,

and if you don't
give it to them,
then they hate you.

But what if her work
is good?

Well, it doesn't matter.

I mean,
what if everybody wanted
me to read their work?

What if they did?

Well, for one thing,
we'd have way too
many dinner parties.

Okay.
If I've done something wrong,
I'm sorry.

But I don't see
what the big deal is.

She just wants to come over
and pick your brain.

How long can that take?

I just love
what you've done
with this place.

Oh, we really
haven't done
that much.

Well, that's what I mean,

you haven't done anything.

It's wonderful.

Well, we have
done a few things.

But nothing that shows.

I just love it.

Honey, Vicki's
been waiting patiently
since yesterday.

I think she's dying to hear
what you think of her work.

I really am.

Now, honey,
you know I'm uncomfortable

telling another writer
how to write.

Oh, believe me,
I want to hear it all.

Any teeny little
thing you could say
would mean so much.

Well, overall I think
it's pretty good.

I could die.

It's a collection
of charming essays.

I liked it a lot.

Well, that's it.
I've died and gone
to heaven.

Is essay writing
the kind of thing a person
could make money at?

Conceivably.

Well, this is exciting.

Is there anything
else you can tell me
about my work?

No, I think
that's about it.

I think we've talked
enough about writing.

Len, what business
are you in?

I sell life insurance.

So, Vicki, when did you first
become interested in writing?

Hi. If you don't
need me for anything,

I'm going to go
to the library.

Oh, Kirk and Leslie,
this is Len and Vicki.

Hi.
Hi.

Hello.
How do you do? Hi.

Leslie's a student
at Dartmouth.

What are you studying?

European History
and Renaissance Theology.

I'm helping
Leslie find a subject
for her Masters thesis.

What are you
most interested in?

Leslie.

I was talking to Leslie.

Sorry.

I haven't really
decided yet.

I hate to run off
like this, but it's late.

Nice meeting you.

Same here.
Same here.

Pleasure.

Is Leslie your daughter?

Oh, no, no.
She's our maid.

We have three boys.

Sure wish we had a maid.

Well, if everyone's
ready for dessert...

Oh, let me help you.

Thank you, Vicki.

Now, Len,

while we're gone,
don't you sell Dick
any life insurance.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't worry. He won't.

Well, this is really nice.

Good food. New friends.

Let's get to the point, Dick.

You think Vicki should
keep at this writing thing?

I'm afraid I'm
not following you.

What I mean is,
can she make it?

Does she wanna make it?

That's all she thinks about.

But if she hasn't got it,
I wanna nip it now.

I'm a realist, Dick.

Well, I can see that.

For what it's worth,
I think anyone

with a little talent
and a lot of hard work

has a chance
of making a living

in whatever
they're interested in.

You do?
Sure.

I mean,
the important thing
for you to do

is just give her
a lot of support.

Well, how would I do that?

Well, uh,

one way would be to give her
as much freedom as you can

to let her work.

Right. Then what?

Well, you know,
eventually
she'll need an agent.

How does she do that?

I suppose I could
make a couple calls.

Vicki, guess what?

Dick's gonna
get you an agent.

I didn't quite say that.

Am I ready for an agent?

Well, there's still
a few rough spots,

and you may need
a few pointers, but...

Where would she get those?

Yeah. Where would
I get those?

Well,
I guess we're talking about
another professional writer.

And I guess we're
talking about me.

You'd do that, too?
This guy is incredible!

Honey,
this is so nice of you.

Now, Dick,
if this sounds pushy
you just say so.

But when are you
going to do this?

Soon.
Tomorrow?

Tomorrow would be soon.

Then tomorrow it is.

I can't wait.

I feel like we've
launched a career.

Oh, and just think,
if it hadn't been
for Joanna,

none of this would
have happened.

That's true.

Fine. We're looking
forward to seeing you
on the 12th.

Thanks for calling.

You wanna hear
the craziest thing?

Sure, why not?

You know how I said
the garbage disposal
was broken?

Yeah.

It wasn't.

I just had
the switches mixed up.

Every time I
turned on the garbage
disposal switch,

I was really turning on
the light switch.

And vice versa.

So you didn't
have to fix anything?

Not after I re-wired
the switches.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.
Well, hello.

Honey, the Bicksels are here.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You don't know our
caretaker, George Utley.

Oh, yes we do.
This is a small town,
Joanna.

Everybody knows everybody.

You folks from around here?

Len Bicksel.
George Utley.

Hi.
How do you do?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it was
that time already.

You said 10:30.

Right, and it's 9:40.

I guess we're just excited.

Yeah, I know
that feeling.

Do you write, too?

No. I just know that feeling.

Have we got
a surprise for you.

Really?
Yeah.

But first I wanna make sure
I got this straight.

Now, Dick, you did say
you liked Vicki's work,
right?

Right.
And you did say
that anybody

with a little talent
and a lot of hard work

had a chance of
making it, right?

Right.
And you're standing by that.

I guess
I'm standing by that.

Well, then you're
going to be happy

to learn that,
from now on,

Vicki is going to
devote as much time

as she needs
to her writing.

No more cooking.
No more cleaning.

No more marketing.

I'm also giving up
the responsibility
of the boys.

How can you do that?

Take a guess.

You're not thinking
of leaving them here?

BOTH: No.

Len will be home
with them now.

Len?

Yeah. You were so encouraging
about my new career that...

Well, you tell them, Len.

I quit my job.

You quit your job?
You're not serious.

Serious and committed, Dick.

Where do we start?

I think we start
by getting your job back.

Can't do that.

Why not?

I lost all my
benefits when I quit.

It'd be like starting over.

Well, then, start over.

The company won't let me.

They're funny
about people leaving.

I don't understand
how you could do this.

Well, Dick said
Vicki could make it.

That's all we needed to hear.

Wait a minute.

I never said that.

When I asked you
if we had a chance

of making it,
you said, "Sure."

I said "sure," meaning,
stranger things
have happened.

You didn't say that.
You said, "Sure."

Anyway, we talked it over
and think this
is our one chance

to really roll those dice.

Go for broke.
Right, kids?

Honey, before they think
we've gone crazy...

We do have
a little money put aside.

I mean, why else do you
build a life savings?

I know it's none
of my business, but

how much life do you have
in your savings?

Forty-five days.

You don't really expect Dick
to find Vicki work in
that period of time?

We're not worried.

So where do we begin?

Maybe you should give Dick
a minute to think.

Honey, I don't think
they have that kind of time.

Well, it's too late
to turn back now.

So why don't we
just start working?

I guess we better.

Why don't I make
some coffee?

Sell a lot!

That's what Vicki
used to say to me
when I went to work.

Come on, kids.

Oh, wow. This is great.

Every writer should
have a study like this.

Well, it took me 22 years
to get this one.

I hope I can make it
quicker than that.

Are you sure
this is something
you guys wanna do?

Oh, absolutely.

Len has a wonderful
philosophy of life.

Which is what?

Shoot the moon.

Love that Len.

So what do we do first?

Well, I guess
the first thing to do

would be to read
the rest of your material.

I try to write
5,000 words a day.

That's more than
Hemingway wrote.

Well, I have
an electric typewriter.

Right. Why don't I get
to this later tonight?

Well, let's start
with, um...

Calling your agent?

Right.

Hello.
Yes, this is Dick Loudon.

Is Elliot there?

Oh, I didn't know that.

Did he leave a phone number
where he could be reached
in Israel?

I see. Is Mel there?

I didn't know that.

I guess I don't
speak to you that often.

Well,
please give my sympathies
to his widow.

Well, when she gets
back from Israel.

Is there anyone there
I can talk to?

Would you have him
call me, please?

As soon as possible.

Well, that's the only
phone call we can make.

Now what?

Well, we sort of started
the ball rolling. Um...

Why don't we take a break,
and have some of that coffee?

Then again, why waste time?

(FOIL CRACKLING)

Dick?

What are you doing?

Eating.

Eating what?

Raisin Rascals.

I thought the Bicksel boys
ate all of those.

I hid these.

Where?

I'm not telling.

Honey, this is
the third night in a row.

It's 2:00 in the morning
and you're not in bed.

Joanna,
you know I feel restless

whenever I ruin
a family's life.

I'm sorry.
This whole thing is my fault.

No, it's my fault.

I mean,
when you first told me

you invited them
to dinner here,

I should have
said right away,
"Joanna, I'm leaving you."

How did we ever
get into this mess?

We got into this
because we're pushovers.

We're chumps.

I mean,
we should have a sign
right out in front,

"Stop here.
See the chumps."

Well, we just never should
have let it go this far.

I don't know.
Somewhere in
the back of my mind I...

I always felt
I could pull it off.

No one could find
somebody an agent
and a publisher in 45 days.

Gore Vidal could.

Honey, you're not Gore Vidal.

I know that now.

So what are we gonna do?

I don't know.

I do know I can't
spend one more day

alone in that
room with Vicki.

I mean, I don't know
what kind of advice
to give her.

I don't have any anecdotes.

I mean,
you know the autobiography
I was always going to write?

Forget it.
I have nothing to say.

You think it's
any better out there

with five hopeful faces
staring at the door?

I thought there
were just four.

Lately I've been
joining them.

Well, there's only
one thing we can do.

You're talking
about telling them
the truth, aren't you?

Well, we don't
have any choice.

I mean, at least
if we tell them now,
they have time to recover.

Why is this
so hard for us?

It's hard because
they trusted us.

I mean,
these are two innocents

who put their
lives in our hands

because, well,
they thought we
could help them.

And now we have
to tell them we can't.

How do you think
they'll take it?

Put yourself in their place.
How would you take it?

Well, I think
I'd say I understood,

go home,

and be miserable for weeks.

I sure hope
they take it that way.

Yo, Joanna.

Hi, Kirk.

I ran out of sugar
at the cafe

and I was wondering
if I could borrow some?

How much do you need?

Enough to fill 25 of these.

See you later. I'm off.

Where you going?

Skiing.

Great.

Listen, on your way back
why don't you
stop by the cafe,

and I'll make you
a nice hot chocolate.

Sounds good.

I also need a cup of cocoa.

Morning.
Morning.

Hi.
Morning. You remember Kirk.

Oh, yeah.
You remember
the Bicksels.

Right.
The people who are throwing
their lives away.

And these must be
the innocent victims.

Kirk, you remember
where we keep

the sugar and cocoa,
don't you?

No.
Well, why don't
you search

through every
cupboard we have
till you find it?

Okay.

Morning, maestro.

Ready to get started?

Well, before we begin
this morning,

I think there's something
we should talk about.

Gather round,
the master speaks.

I think it might be better
if just the adults heard this.

You're saying,
get rid of the kids?

Hey, fellas,
Daddy saw a bear outside.

BOY 1: A bear?
Let's go!
Yeah!

BOY 2: Wait for me.

(BOYS SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)

Well, why don't
we have a seat?

Okay.

I really, really don't
know how to begin.

I want to be honest.

Joanna and I
haven't had much sleep
the past few days.

Dick, if you got
something on your mind,
let's hear it.

Well, maybe the best thing
is just to go
straight through it.

This whole thing
isn't working out.

Oh, God.

Oh, now, honey.

Oh, God.

Don't be upset.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Vicki, take it easy.

Why don't you think
this is working, Dick?

(STAMMERING) Well, I don't
think the two of you realized
what you were getting into.

(CRYING)
Oh, God!

I mean,
it takes time to be a writer,

and 45 days just
isn't enough time.

Would it help
if you had more time?

No.

I really hate to say this,

but there's nothing more
I can do.

VICKI: (CRYING)
Oh, God.

I know this is
pretty hard to hear.

Well, Dick, we appreciate
your being honest with us.

We're just glad
you told us now
instead of waiting.

Right, Vick?

I wish I could tell you
where to go from here.

Well, I guess I'll go back
to selling insurance.

I thought you
couldn't go back.

Well, I can't go back
to the same people.

But there are a lot
of insurance companies, Dick.

And fortunately,
you're in good hands
with all of them.

Vicki, I hope this
doesn't discourage you
about writing.

Oh, no.

I'll keep writing
as long as
there's electricity.

I really wish I could have
been more help.

I wish we both
could have been.

Well, now,
don't you worry about it.

Apparently we were
unrealistic.

Vicki will just go back
to writing in her spare time.

Like I do with
my photography.

Oh, I didn't know
you were a photographer.

Well, more of
a weekend shutterbug.

I just take pictures
of the kids, the house,
vacations.

That sort of thing.

These are very good.
You really think so?

Sure.
Tell me, Dick.

Is photography
the kind of thing a person
could make money at?

No.

Well, thanks again.

And we really do
appreciate everything
you tried to do for us.

I really feel
bad that, you know,
things didn't work out.

Hey, we roll
with the punches.

(VICKI SOBBING)

Goodbye.

Don't forget the kids.

That was so hard.

I know.
I really feel bad for her.

Dick, you have my word,

I'm never going to get us
involved in anything like
this again.

Honey,
the reason we got involved

is because you care
about people.

And I love that about you.

So please don't
ever change that.

Thank you, honey.

Well, I'm gonna go
for a walk.

I'm going to the market.

Stop right there.