All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E05

(BEEPING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Am I interrupting?

Well, I was sort of on a roll,

but go ahead.

There's a maple syrup
man out front.

A what?

That's what he says.

Hi, I'm Andy, your local
White Mountain
Maple Syrup man.

Hi. I'm Dick Loudon.

This is my wife Joanna.

Well, I just thought
I'd stop by and see

about getting you
folks on my route.

You see,
I deliver maple syrup
to all the inns around here.

So how much do
you folks need?

Well,

I guess one would
probably do it.

Right. One gross.

No. One jug.

We don't sell by the jug.

We don't need a gross.

We don't need a jug.

Dick, Dick, Dick.

Let me explain
something to you.

This is Vermont.

I'm with you so far.

You see, people come here
from all over the country,

all over the world,

and they don't leave
without picking up
some maple syrup.

You see, it's a tradition.

Be like going to the beach,
not picking up a shell.

Going to the moon,
not picking up a rock.

Going to the...
That's all right.

I think I see
where you're going.

Honey,
maybe we could give them
to our guests

as mementos of their visit.

Or better yet,
you sell it to them.

I mean, this stuff
goes like hot cakes.

Or on them.

Don't laugh,
it's an old joke.

You make it hard.

So what do you say, Dick?

Well, if that's
the only way you sell them,
put us down for a gross.

Great! I'll be right
back with your order.

You think I was had?

Why?
Because you bought
144 jugs of syrup?

I guess not.

Hi, guys.

I came over to see
if your heat's working.

It's working fine.

Mine's out at the cafe.

I just wanted to
see if it's out
all over the block.

You mean like a heat-out?

Yeah.

Any chance George
could take a look at it?

Well, he would,
but he's getting ready

for the health and
safety inspector.

There's going to
be an inspector
in the area?

Mmm-hmm. Tomorrow.

Uh-oh.
We are all in trouble.

Don't start, Kirk.

Dick, these inspectors
are brutal.

They live to close down
places like ours.

Dick, he could
have a point.

Joanna,
you can't believe anything
this man says.

What are you talking about?

You said yourself,
you're an habitual liar.

And you believed that?

Joanna, if there was anything
to worry about,

I mean, don't you think
I would have
taken care of it?

I mean,
I've been running this inn
for several weeks now.

I think I know
what I'm doing.

Here you go, Dick.
Where do you want it?

How long do you think
the inspector's
going to be here?

Honey, for the last time,
stop worrying.

You're treating this man
like he's some
kind of monster.

And if you'll come this way,
I'll show you the basement.

Right.

George, how's it going?

Can't complain.

I mean the inspection.

So far, so good.

He's not what
you'd call real sharp.

Half of
the things he found wrong,
I had to point out to him.

Now can I worry?

Hi.

I saw the inspector's
car out front.

Has he said anything
about coming to my place?

No, but thanks
for your concern.

Yeah.

You know,
I tried to get into his car

to see where
he's headed next,

but the paranoid
clown locked it.

Kirk, I'm sure if your place
was on his schedule,
you'd know it.

Not if the mailman is
withholding my mail.

Well, Dick,
I guess we're done.

So how'd we do?

Yeah, I've seen worse.

You don't know
how happy we are
to hear you say that.

This would do it for me.

All right,
enjoy your inn.

By the way,
do you know a place
to eat around here?

Gee, it's too bad
the cafe next door is closed.

Oh, there's a cafe next door?

Who said anything
about a cafe?

Let me show you
the shortcut out of town.

It's lined with cafes.

Excuse me,
could somebody help us
with our luggage?

Coming.

You're checking out,
Mr. Carlson?
Yeah.

I hope you enjoyed
your stay.

We had a wonderful time.

Oh, good!

Well, I have
your bill right here.

Let's see, that's six nights
in the Martin Van Buren room,

plus tax, would be $274.

When we called,
you said you'd give us
a 50% discount

because you were
still fixing the place up.

Right. So that would be $137.

And you said something
about giving us a discount

if we didn't eat
breakfast here.

Right. Right again.

That's $1.50 a day,
for six days,

times one, two,
three, four, five people.

It would be $45
from $137, $92.

Right, and we sent
you a $100 deposit.

Right. So I owe you $8.

Honey, do you have
any money on you?

How much are your jugs
of maple syrup?

Funny you should
bring that up.

They're three for $8.

Fair enough.

You all come back real soon.
Hope you enjoyed your stay.

I got all your
bags in the car.

Oh, thank you.
There you go.

Where do I cash this in?

Forget it.

Hi, George.

Hi. I hurried home
from class as fast
as I could.

How did the inspection go?

Fine. Thank goodness.

Is there any color
left in my face?

Kirk, what's wrong?

The inspector.

I couldn't keep him
away from the cafe.

I guess something I said
made him suspicious.

Well,
he wasn't there very long.
What did he say?

He said the Minuteman was
an eyesore and a disgrace.

And until it's up to code,

I'm condemned.

Well, this is it.

Now you know why
I've never invited
any of you over here.

Don't think
we're not grateful.

The electricity still works.
If you're cold,

I could plug in
the toaster oven.

No, that's okay.

Kirk, where did you
get all this stuff?

Here and there.
It's mostly cheap junk

I try to push
on the tourists.

See anything you like?

"I ate a ton at
the Minuteman Cafe."

You sell these?

I tried.

Now I just go out
and stick them on their cars

while they're eating.

Eating what?

Mostly Minuteman burgers.

That's a burger
I cook in one minute.

My motto is,

"If I can cook
it in a minute,
you can eat it in a minute."

Interesting challenge.

You know, Kirk,

you didn't have to
let the place get like this.

Hey, you think
I'm proud of this?

But this isn't exactly
what I wanted to
do with my life.

Then what are you
doing here?

It's a long story,
and I'd rather
not go into it.

Actually, that's not true.
I'm dying to go into it.

I bought this place
for a woman. Victoria.

She was beautiful,
witty, intelligent.

Leslie, this isn't making you
uncomfortable, is it?

No.

Anyway,
it was a few years back.

She was a young coed,
headed for
Middlebury College.

I was posing as
a brilliant young internist
with a promising future.

And then I decided
to throw it all away,

to follow her here
from Nebraska.

I didn't know you were
from Nebraska.

Okay, South Dakota.

Kirk, you don't have to lie.

If you're from Nebraska,
just say Nebraska.

It was Big Sky country.

That's Montana.

What is this?
An inquisition?

The point is,
I followed her here
because we had a dream.

We were on our
way to Middlebury

when she spotted this place
from the highway.

Then suddenly she said,
"Wouldn't it be
incredibly bohemian

"if we bought this place
and opened up a little cafe?

"You know,
the kind of place that sells
pastries and antiques,

"and everyone sits around
drinking herb tea
and listening to poetry.

"And on cold winter nights,
we'd wrap ourselves
in a down comforter

"and sit in front of
the hearth, sipping hot spiced
wine and reading Proust.

"And upstairs, our children,
Adrianne and little Francois,

"would be snuggled
in their beds, dreaming
the dreams of the innocent."

Well, at least that's the way
it was supposed to have been.

What happened?

We were at
the real estate office.

I had just put down
every penny I had
on this place

and signed all the papers.

I turned to her,
she looked at me,

and I said,
"Well, what do you think?"

And she said,
"I think I like someone else
more than you."

And she walked out the door,
climbed in my car

and drove away.

Oh, Kirk, that's so sad.

Thank you.

Anyway, I guess
my heart wasn't in it
after that.

Then why haven't you sold it?

Would you buy it?

Besides, I'm not so sure
I want to sell it,

not as long as
there's still a chance

that someday
she's going to walk
through that door,

carrying her
suitcase and say,
"Jean Carlo, I'm back!"

I can see where
that would be
worth waiting for.

Honey, could I speak
to you for a minute,
in private?

Isn't there
something we can do
to help him?

Kirk, what would it take
to fix up the cafe?

A lot of time
and hard work.

He says there's
nothing we can do.

There's gotta be.

Why, I bet
if we all pitched in,

we could get the Minuteman
back up to code
in no time at all.

Would you be
willing to help, Leslie?
Absolutely.

And I know
George wouldn't mind.

Joanna, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Dick, before you even start,

remember you told me
one of the reasons
we moved here

was for
the sense of community.

Neighbors helping neighbors.

Remember that
story you told me
about the old days,

how when somebody's barn
would burn down

and everybody would
just jump right in,

and pitch in,
and help rebuild it?

You wanna burn
this place down, fine.

Dick, we can't
just abandon him.

I guess you're right.

Kirk, we've decided to help
get the Minuteman
back up to code.

You'd do that? For me?

Apparently.

That's wonderful.

But you have
your own problems.

When would you ever find time
to help me?

We'll make time.
Yeah.

How does tomorrow
afternoon sound?

The morning's out, right?

Hi, Kirk.

Hi, guys.

What's the matter?
I thought you'd
be glad to see us.

I don't know.
I've been going
over this list,

and there's just no way
we're gonna get
this place up to code.

There're just too many things
wrong with it.

Like what?

One thing,
the place is filthy.

I can help you
with the cleaning.

I've got all kinds of
electrical problems.

I can help you with that.

I've got trouble
with the plumbing.

I can help Joanna
with the cleaning.

Hey, listen, before we start
scraping off the grime,

can I make you
something to eat?

I'm...

I'm not hungry.

What if I went out
and got something?

Unless of course,
you'd like me to hang
around here and help?

No. We'll be fine.

Then I'm going to treat you

to the best meal
money can buy.

You need
a little money, Kirk?

Just until I get
my tax refund.

What about them?
They don't eat?

Back in a flash.

Well, this should
be easy to fix.

Good.

Does anybody know
what it is?

I never want to hear the name
Kirk Devane again,
as long as I live.

Dick,
just take it easy, honey.

I'm sorry,
I can't help it.

I mean, we work our tails off
trying to fix up his cafe,

and then he pulls
something like this.

We don't know that
Kirk's pulled anything.

He left at 8:30
in the morning
to get us breakfast.

It's now night.

Something could have
happened to him.

Or maybe we're
just being impatient.

Before you say anything,
I just want you to know

I'm all right.

Where have you been?

The hospital.

What happened?
I don't know what happened.

All I know is I went out
to get you something to eat,

and the next thing I remember
I was on a gurney,

and they were wheeling me out
of an operating room.

You're trying to tell us
you had surgery
this afternoon?

Of course not, Dick.
If I had surgery,
I wouldn't be here.

Fortunately,
as they were about to go in,
the tests came back negative.

Anyway, I got back here
as soon as I could

because I knew
you wouldn't be able
to sleep,

wondering
what happened to me.

And because
you have my keys.

And you really expect us
to believe that story?

If you don't,
you can call the hospital.

Saint Joseph's.
Emergency Admitting.

Ask for Mrs. Halpin.

H-A-L-P-I-N.

The attending physician
was Dr. Julius Forbes.

F-O-R-B-E-S.

I believe he's
Chief of Neurosurgery.

The girl who took
blood was named Carol.

If you talk to her,
tell her thanks
from a guy named Grateful.

I suppose it's possible.

Good.

I'm sorry this happened,
but I don't
want you to worry.

Tomorrow I'm
going to be there
bright and early,

helping you guys out.

It's done.

What do you mean?

We finished it,
the whole cafe.
We worked all day.

We got it back up to code.

Is that right?
Uh-huh.

It's all straightened up
and ready for inspection.

Yeah. It's so clean,
you could eat over there.

Well, what are we
waiting for?

Let's go over and see it.

Let it go, Dick.

Well, what do you think?

I don't believe you did this.

It was mostly just
a little cleaning
and straightening.

Cleaning and straightening?

I could have had
strangers come in
and do that.

This is different.

This says friends were here.

We're glad you like it.

Gee, I gotta tell you,
I really didn't expect this.

I wish there was some way
I could show you how
much I appreciate it.

You mean that?

Yeah.

Why?

If you really
value our friendship,
you can prove it.

How?

Stop lying.

No more excuses,
no more phony stories.

Just stop lying.

To you, or everyone?

It's not that
I don't want to,

I'm just not sure
I can do it.

Kirk,
nobody's going to hate you
for being honest.

That's what real friends do,

they accept you
for what you are.

Even if it's not pretty.

And that's what you
all want me to do?

Well, I guess
I owe it to you.

Okay. Starting
right now, the truth.

I wasn't at
the hospital today.

No kidding.

Where were you?
Boston.

You're kidding?
No.

Why?

Because I love Boston.
Boston's a terrific city.

It's rich in
American heritage.

It's one of
the great cultural centers
of the world.

What did you do there?

Played video games
and ate ice cream.

It was selfish
and thoughtless,
and I'm sorry.

And I give you my word,

I'm never gonna
treat my friends
like this again.

Are you sure
you don't hate me?

We may hate what you did,
but we don't hate you.

Kirk, at least
you told the truth.

Don't you feel better?

You know, I do.

Don't you feel better, Dick?

Mmm-hmm.

This is unbelievable.

I never knew I could talk
to people like this.

I always thought I had to lie
to make everything right.

I feel terrific.
Great.

I feel so good,

I wanna confess
a few more lies
I've told you.

I've never played
Major League Baseball.

I've never lived in Athens.

And I've never helped
Elvis get dressed.

God! What a feeling
this is. It's incredible.

I feel so good,
I have one more
confession to make.

What's that?

This place was
never really condemned.

I mean I got scared...
What?

...so I made
the whole thing up.

God, I love you
people so much.

Champagne on me!

I can't believe we
worked all day long
for nothing.

I am really miffed.

I'm livid.

I think when Kirk comes back,
we should all
tell him how we feel.

He's not coming back.

I mean, the man walked out
when we were
cleaning his cafe.

He's not coming back
with a bottle of champagne.

Hi, guys.

JOANNA: "Hi, guys"?

Where's the champagne
you said you
were going to get?

I got it.

Don't start, Kirk.

No really.
I bought the best
bottle I could find.

$65.

I'm warning you.

The guy let me charge it.

Where is it?

Wouldn't you know it,
I was on my way back,

and what do you think
I was stopped
and asked to do?

Christen a ship.