All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E04

Oh, it's cold out there.
It's cold in here, too.

Close the door, George.

There, that's better.

This is a perfect
night for a fire.

Leslie, go see if Dick can
take a break from his work
and join us.

Okay.

Dick, if you're free,
we're getting a fire going.

This is one thing
I'll never get tired of.

Reminds me of when I was
a little girl on my
grandparents' farm in Ohio.

In the winter,
it would always be bitter,
bitter cold,

and we'd all come in
at night and gather in
the living room.

And start a fire?

No, and wish we had a fire.

Oh, honey, there you are.

How's 50 Fascinating
Vacations coming?

Fine. I'm thinking
of changing the title.

To what?

Nine Fascinating Vacations.

How does sharing
a romantic evening
by the fire sound?

Sounds good to me.

Me, too.
Do you mind
if I join you?

I was hoping you would.

You know what I'd
like to do tonight?

I think I can guess.

Roast hot dogs
and marshmallows.

Oh.

Sounds good to me.

(KIRK CHEERING)

(CHEERING)
The river's frozen over,
grab your skates!

Mine are in my truck.

Wait a minute.
What about the fire?

You won't want
a fire tonight.
It's the river party.

(BOTH CHEERING)

What's the river party?

First time
the river freezes over,
the whole town has a party.

Get it? River. Party.

Sounds like fun.
I'll get my skates.

You're gonna love it.

They have bonfires,
people roast hot dogs,

everyone goes out on
the ice and skates.

We don't have skates.

Oh, there's always people
who'll lend you a pair.

Or I'll rent you mine.

Sounds like fun.
It is.

There isn't anybody
who doesn't go
to the river party.

Oh, I'm game.
Let's go, Joanna.

Honey?
Hmm?

Aren't you going
to the river party?

You go ahead.
I'll stay here.

What? You can't miss
the river party.

Honey, they set bonfires
and skate.

I don't know how to skate.

Sure you do.

What do you mean,
"Sure I do"?

We've been married
for 16 years.

When have you
ever seen me skate?

You'll pick it up
in a minute.

Look, Dick,
I don't want to go.

I'm afraid.

What's there to be afraid
about ice skating?

Ice and skating.

What about the other things,
like hot dogs?

I can do that here.

Oh, but it's so much more fun
on the icy banks
of a frozen river.

Dick, please don't make me
do this.

You're always coaxing me
to try things
I'm not good at,

and then I end up
embarrassing myself,

and I hate it
when I'm embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassing you,
and I'm not coaxing.

Come on.

Joanna, only deadwood
misses the river party.

Okay, I'll go.

But only if you promise me
you won't make me skate.

You don't have to skate,
you don't have to roast,

you don't have to
talk to anybody.

Just go and have fun.

I'm ready.
Joanna, guess what?

I brought you these
in case you
didn't have your own.

Leslie, thank you.
But I'm not going to skate.

Yeah, carry them anyway,
otherwise you'll
look like deadwood.

Come on,
I got the car running.

You can already
smell the wood smoke
coming from the river.

(CHEERING)

If everyone's ready,
then on to the river!

ALL: (CHANTING)
On to the river!
On to the river!

On to the river!
On to the river!

On to the river!
On to the river!

On to the river!
On to the river!

On to the river!
On to the river!

On to the river!
On to the river!

Honey?

On to the river!

On to the river!
On to the river!

Oh...

On to the river.

I'll start a fire.
Warm it up in here.

I'll run upstairs
and start a hot bath.

Get in here, honey,
and get out of
those wet clothes.

Don't touch
any part of me.

I just want to
get you upstairs.

I'm fine.

You'll catch cold.

I wanna catch cold.

I wanna catch pneumonia.

At least come over
by the fire.

I can't catch
pneumonia by the fire.

Don't sit on anything.

Unless you want to.

Managed to fetch
her scarf and one glove
out of the river.

I have never felt
so humiliated
in my whole life.

Honey, it was an accident.
It could've happened
to anyone.

Then I wish it had
happened to you.

You mentioned
something about that
in the car.

I was standing
off to the side,

perfectly content to enjoy
the ice and the cold.

You're the one who kept
skating by in the snake chain

saying,
"Come on, grab a hip."

When you lost your grip
and started sliding,

I thought you were
never gonna stop.

I was lucky I found
a hole in the ice
to fall into.

A lot of people remarked
about what a good swimmer
you were.

I had to be,
my husband wasn't
coming to save me.

I was coming,
I was taking off my skates.

I didn't take off my skates.

I know, and you were
sinking like a rock.

The main thing is
you were rescued.

Yes, by two ice fishermen

who kept shouting,
"Look, we've hooked
a big one."

Forgive me,
I'm not being gracious.

Just remember,
things could've
been worse, Joanna.

How?

Thrashing around the water
like that, you could've lost
your watch or your rings.

You're lucky,
all you really lost
was your dignity.

Well, I guess
I'll be headed on
back to the party.

You're not going back,
are you, Dick?

(INAUDIBLE)

Okay, have a great evening.

I'll get a few towels
and dry up that place
in the car

where Joanna was sitting.

Thanks, George.

Oh...

I'll never be
able to show my face
in town again.

Honey, you don't have to
feel bad just because you
fell into the river.

Don't I?

No.

I mean,
if you wanna feel bad,

feel bad about what
you called everybody.

They were laughing at me.
I was embarrassed.

You called them sadistic,
syrup-sucking stumpjumpers.

Just slipped out.

Joanna, I drew you a bath.
Are you ready to come up?

This has been
the worst night
of my life.

(WATER SQUISHING)
Oh...

Honey, I'm sure it
seems like it now,

but just try to keep
some perspective.

I hate Vermont,
I hate this inn,
and I hate you.

That's my girl.

Morning, everybody.

Hi, Dick,
your breakfast will
be ready in a second.

Oh, fine.

Is that Joanna's breakfast?
Yeah.

She didn't eat much.

No, she said
the sight of food
and me made her sick.

Still a little down
about last night, huh?

A tad.

Kirk, you own your own cafe.
What are you doing over here
for breakfast?

I can't seem to get
people interested
in my breakfast special.

What is it?

Two luscious strips
of hickory-smoked bacon
on top of whatever was

left over from
the night before.

I take it we'll be seeing you
over here often.

Here you go. Pancakes.

Pancakes and pancakes.

How does she keep
it all straight?

How's Joanna this morning?

Not much better.

I feel so sorry for her.

So do I.
She hates to be embarrassed,

and unfortunately I keep
pushing her into situations
where she does

incredibly
embarrassing things.

How long does it usually
take her to get over it
and forgive you?

She'll forgive me
in a day or two.

She never gets over it.

That's a shame.
Nobody in town thinks
any less of her

for what happened.

She probably feels bad about
what she called them.

You mean, sadistic,
syrup-sucking stumpjumpers?

Nobody's gonna
remember that.

I know when I went back
to the party,
nobody seemed mad.

Are you telling
the truth or are you lying
just to make us feel better?

Dick, I never lie to
make people feel better.

Never?
Okay, always.

But not this time.
Everybody is really
concerned about her.

I hope this isn't going
to cause a problem
between you two.

George, Joanna and I have been
happily married for 16 years,

so I don't think it will.

And if it does...

Well, we still had
those 16 happy years.

Listen, if you're worried,
send her flowers.
That always works.

What do you mean
"that always works"?

Excuse me.

You're saying that every time
a woman is hurt or upset,

sending her a little bouquet
of flowers will make
everything right again?

Yeah.

That's so patronizing.

Patronizing?
Yes!

It's saying that our problems
are so insignificant

that they can be solved
by a simple phone call
to the florist.

When you get
right down with it,

it's that same old
19th century
male-female stereotype.

It's just plain insulting.

Mr. Loudon, the flowers
you ordered are here.

Gee, I hope
Joanna doesn't think
those are for her.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

DICK: Honey.

Who is it?

It's Dick.

Come in, Dick.

I brought you some tea.

Thank you.

Where would you like it?

With the others.

So how're you feeling?

I'm fine.

Good.

I think it was a good idea
you stayed up here all day.

Think you managed
to fight off that cold.

Yeah.

Well, looks like
winter's finally arrived.

They say it should dip down
below zero tonight.

Good, maybe I'll go
for a swim.

Joanna, I know you're upset
and I understand,

but, I mean,
you're acting like this is
the most embarrassing thing

that ever happened
to you, and it wasn't.

I mean, what about
the time in New York

when you thought you saw
Joey Bishop, and you walked
into a parking meter?

That could happen to anyone.

But you were embarrassed.

I embarrassed myself.

What bothered me
about the whole river thing

is that it was one more
example of you egging me on
in front of everybody

to do something that
I didn't want to do.

You're going to bring up
the oyster thing again,
aren't you?

Yes.

I mean,
that was 11 years ago.

And you still
haven't learned.

I told you then
I didn't like raw fish,

but you said
I'd never tried raw fish

and maybe if I tried it,
I'd like it.

All right.
If you hadn't tried it,

we never would've found out
you were allergic to it.

Now we know.

So do three
New York City paramedics

and the 200 people
in the Japanese restaurant.

All right.
That's two times.

The wilderness weekend
was three times.

The sailing trip off
Long Island was four.

The mule ride down
the Grand Canyon was five.

All right,
for argument's sake,

let's say you can name
half a dozen.

In my sleep.

You're right. I...

I do that
and I don't know why.

I know why.

It's that, "I know
what's best for Joanna"
thing you have.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm stubborn
and I'm arrogant.

I always think I know
what's best,

and I never listen
to what you want.

I do what I want
and I'm always wrong.

You're not always wrong.

Well, I'm wrong
most of the time.

Let's say 80%.

But I've really learned
a lesson this time.

Have you really?

Really. I mean it.

I've heard that before.

Really?

I knew the paramedics
had heard it. I...

I didn't know
you had heard it.

But this time I mean it.

(SIGHS)

(STUTTERING) Look,

I know underneath it all,
you only do it
because you care about me.

That's... That's true.

And I guess I always
go along with it

because I care
about you, too.

I guess the answer is
we should stop caring
about each other.

I know I shouldn't let things
embarrass me so much.

Well, they wouldn't
if I didn't push you.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Since I ruined your plans
for last evening,

why don't we go downstairs
and have that nice,
cozy evening tonight?

Tonight?

Why not?

Right now.
I mean, our last two guests
checked out this morning.

There's no one
in the inn.

I'll light a fire,
we'll open a bottle
of champagne

and spend
the evening together,

just the two of us.

Oh, that does sound nice.

Okay, yeah.
Just give me a minute
to get myself together.

I'll start the fire
and I'll be waiting for you.

Good.

Come on, come on.

(MURMURING)

Where is she?

She's upstairs.
She'll be down in a second.

Okay.
This party is
a great idea, Dick.

It should be just the thing
to get Joanna back
to her old self.

It's gotta be great
when she sees
all these people

at a party just for her,
you know.
Right.

Where's the best place
for me to capture
the magic moment?

Why don't you
get on the stairs?

You be the lookout,
and everybody else,
just spread out.

Right. Everybody hide,

and don't say
anything until she gets
to the bottom of the stairs.

Kirk, you turn up the lights
and everyone shout,
"Surprise!"

Oh, great,
I love a good surprise.

You're such
a thoughtful husband.

Well, I try.

(SHUSHING)

I think I hear her coming.

Quiet. Everybody,
this is it.

Everybody, quiet.

There's more heat up
here than over there.

What?

Oh, my God.

Surprise!
Surprise!

Dick! Oh, no!

Ow...

Don't anyone move,
I'll be back in a second.

Well, that was fun.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I have never been more
embarrassed in my life.

You weren't alone.

Dick, you promised.
You said you'd never
do this to me again.

Who would've ever thought
you'd come down the stairs
dressed like that?

By the way,
you look great.

Thank you.

No, I mean it.

Where did you get that?

I don't remember.

Dick, what are
all those people doing here?

Well, after what
happened at the river,

I knew you felt
self-conscious

about seeing all
those people again, so...

So you invited them
all over here.

Right. I mean, fully dressed,
that was a great idea.

How long have you had that?

A while. I was saving it
for a special occasion.

This isn't it.

I'm sorry.
It was supposed to be
a surprise.

This was supposed
to be a surprise.

If it's any consolation,
it was.

I don't know which
I feel worse about,

embarrassing myself again
in front of those people,

or missing out on the evening
we had planned.

I know which
I feel worse about.

Now how are we
gonna get out of here?

We're gonna go
through that door.

The window's out, huh?

Joanna, what's the big deal?
You came down the stairs
in a nightgown,

a fantastic nightgown.

I mean, you're a very
attractive woman who has
nothing to be ashamed of.

Really?
Really.

And I'm sure those people
out there weren't embarrassed,

and you shouldn't be.

You really think so?

If I didn't,
I wouldn't send you
out there like that.

Cover up
and we'll go out there.

Oh, hi.
LESLIE: Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Where...
Where is everybody?

They all went home.

You're kidding. Why?

They were all embarrassed.

You said no one
would be embarrassed.

Why are you surprised?
I haven't been right
for three days.

It's not enough I made a fool
of myself in front of
all those people before,

they must really think
I'm an idiot now.

Oh, no,
they think you're great.

Yeah, they think
Dick is the idiot.

Me?
Yeah.

They left because
they figured Joanna would
wanna kill you.

At least they thought
she should.

Boy, it's a bloodthirsty
little town, isn't it?

I'm not mad at Dick.

I know he only does this
because he loves me.

I mean, take away
the humiliation,

and he's really
kind of sweet.

I'm really glad
you guys are okay.
Me, too.

Yeah, let's eat.

What?
Just because
everyone else left,

doesn't mean we can't
have a party.

Maybe Dick and Joanna
don't want to have a party.

This was all Dick's idea
to begin with.

Well, I don't know.
I feel kind of tired myself.

What about you, honey,
don't you feel
a little tired?

Right. Pooped.

It's only 8:30.
What else is there to do?

Well, I guess we could party
for a little while.

With this much food
and champagne,
we could party all night.

I'll get the eats.

If you'll all excuse me,
I think I'll run upstairs
and change,

and I'll join you
in a few minutes.

Now we're having some fun.

Here's to the best time
I've ever had.

JOANNA: Dick,
I forgot to give you
back your sport coat.

Would you come up
and get it?

Oh, right. Right, I...

(STUTTERING)
I have to go up
and get my sport coat.

Dick?

Thanks.

Well, let's see,
a case of champagne
at $8 a bottle,

that's $96.

Ten dozen hors d'oeuvres,
that's $52.

Glasses and napkins, $26.
That's a grand total,

all of $174.

Not bad for a party of three.

I told you guys when
I got these pictures
of Joanna developed,

you'd be the first
ones to see them,
and here they are.

I am dreading this.

No need to.
They came out great.

Well, you have to admit
that's kind of
a funny expression.

(CHUCKLING)

Yes, it is.

Oh, this is just your back,
that's no big deal.

Hmm. Very innocent.

This one came
out pretty sexy.

Hmm. You're right.
Hmm.