All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E01

(LAUGHING)

You'll want to fix that.

Well, here it is.

The Stratford, one of the oldest
inns in Vermont.

Still standing virtually the same
as it was back in 1774

and pretty much the same
as when you folks first
saw it two weeks ago.

Yes, they say James Madison
once stayed here.

Really? Really?
See, Joanna?
That's great.

I mean, just being
in a place like this,

we're gonna know things
about James Madison

that we, you know, we'd
never know from any book.

Like what?

Well, for one thing,he didn't
care where he slept.

Yeah, you did say
there was a caretaker?

George Utley, yes.

His folks have been
taking care of this place

for as long as people
around here can remember.

What do you think?

I like it.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.
I'm just as excited
about this as you are.

No, you're not.

All right.
Maybe not as much as you are,
but I'm pretty darn excited.

Joanna, we don't have to buy an inn.

We'll just forget the whole thing.

We'll say we came up for the drive,

took in a little scenery,
smelled a little fresh air.

What about our deposit?

Ate a $2,000 lunch.

Dick, honey, that's ridiculous.

Besides, I have a feeling
that you love this place.

Yeah.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Oh, that's George, the caretaker.

George, I'd like you to
meet Mr. and Mrs. Loudon.

How do?
Hello.

Looks like they're buying the place.

Well, let's say we're pretty close.

Shoot, I bet I'm out of work, then.

Well, not necessarily.
We'll still need a caretaker.

Yeah, but no raise, I bet.

No.

Okay.

Uh...

George, before you go, do you mind
my asking what you're working on?

Uh, you know that little doohickey
inside a furnace,

by the door,under the screen?

I'm working on the thing next to that.

(GEORGE WHISTLING)

He seems like
a real knowledgeable guy.

Dick, why don't we just
go ahead and do this?

You mean that?

Sure. Now, I'm not saying
we won't have doubts.

We're used to Manhattan.

Our friends are there.
Our whole life is there.

Do you realize I'm on
the collection committee
to six different diseases?

We have disease here.

Not to mention your work.

You're used to writing
in a tiny little apartment.

Who knows if you can
write up here?

We always say,
"If you can't write here,
you can't write."

(CHUCKLES)

Then there's all the repairs
this place needs,

which neither of us
knows how to do.

Well, you know,
I have written some how-to books.

Unfortunately, you never wrote one
on how to change your life.

Look, Joanna, there are a million
reasons not to buy this place.

That's why most people don't.

And maybe that's the one reason
we should.

I mean, we are standing
on the threshold

of one of the great adventures
of our lives

and we have that rare opportunity
to pursue the American dream

and all we have to do is
just have the courage to say,
"Let's go for it."

(GASPS)

That's stirring.
Where have I heard it?

It's from
the prologue I wrote to
Building Your Own Patio Cover.

Right. Are you excited?

I'm excited.

Mr. Shaver, I guess we'll take it.
Goody.

No, wait. Oh, God, hold everything!

You didn't take it yet, did you?

Uh, just now. Why?

Oh, then no big deal.

Honey, look at what
I found in the study.

Oh, what is it?

It's a box of stuff.

Lucky you.

You know, this really isn't fair.

I mean, I'm on a treasure hunt,

and you're down on
your hands and knees

trying to get
the char off the fireplace.

You wanna switch?

No, I just wanted to let you
know I was aware of it.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Remind me to fix that.

I hung that shutter
back up that fell off.

I didn't know a shutter was off.

Yeah, I knocked one off
this morning trying to
fix that window.

I didn't know there was
anything wrong
with the window.

Yeah, I broke the darn thing
trying to clean it.

Well, what do you
want me to do next?

George, you could
fix the front door.

What's the matter with it?

It sticks.

It sticks.
Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, I'll get my plane
and shave it.

I think it's gonna
take a long time
to get this place in shape.

Well, it'd go a lot quicker
if we can stop George
from fixing it.

Hi, can I help you?

We weren't sure
anyone was here.

Are you open for business?

Not really.

(WHISPERING) Yes.
But we can be. Why not?

Great. How much
are your rooms?

How much are the rooms?

Why don't you
step over here,

and I'll look it up
in the ledger?

To be honest with you,
we're new at this.
We just bought this place.

Oh.

Rooms, rooms, rooms, rooms.
Ah, here we go.

That'll be a farthing.

Dick! How's 40?

Oh, that's a little more
than we wanted to spend.

How's 20?
Hey, 20 is fine.

Okay, if you just give me
your John Hancock.

Where?

Right there
under "John Hancock."

Okay, here you go.
Top of the stairs
and down the hall.

Thank you.
Thank you,
Mr. and Mrs. Pomerantz.

I'll bring you up
some fresh linens
in just a minute.

Okay, thanks.

Dick, we have guests.
Our first 20 bucks.

See, you were
worried about the money,
weren't you?

Honey,
we figured this all out.

I make enough from writing
to take care of this place

whether anybody stays here

and still have money
left over for you name it.

Food?

Possibly, if we...

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that door
made me look like an ass.

Well, I'm glad it happened
and I'll tell you why.

Because now you know I'm not
just some slick-talking
guy off the street.

How you doing?
Kirk Devane.

Dick Loudon,
and this is my wife Joanna.

Happy to meet you.
Happy? Thrilled.
I own the place next door.

The Minuteman Cafe?
And Souvenir Shop.

I was so glad when I heard
someone bought this place.

Ought to be good
for both of us.

Well, let's hope so.

Yeah. Listen,
if we're gonna be neighbors
and maybe even friends,

there's something
you have to know
about me right upfront.

And what's that?
I'm an habitual liar.

Actually, that's not true.

What I mean is,
it's something I'm aware of
and working to correct.

I only bring it up
because admitting it
is part of my therapy.

Well, thanks.
Thanks for being so honest.

Actually, I'm not in therapy.
I lied about that.

But everything else I said
was true,

or probably as close to it
as I'll ever get.

(PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me.

Hello.

Who? Oh, Mr. Pomerantz.

Hold on. Just a minute,
I'll check.

Low tonight
should be around 30

with gusty winds
and a chance
of freezing rain. Why?

Your window is missing.

Yeah, I believe
our caretaker knows
something about that.

We'll take care of it
right away.

No trouble at all.

Really,
it's not a silly request.

So, Dick,
they tell me you're a writer.
That's more than fascinating.

Anything I'd know?

I don't think so.

Dick writes mostly
informational books.

How to Panel in
Hard-to-Reach Places.
The Joy of Tubing.

Know Your Harley.

Honey, you don't
have to list them all.

Why not? You're good.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Yes, Mr. Pomerantz.

There's no heat in your room.

Well, maybe it only feels
like there's no heat

because you have that big hole
where the window used to be.

Have you felt the radiator?
You know, sometimes
it takes them a while...

You don't have a radiator.

You have anything in
the room up there that looks
like it might give off heat?

Your wife's getting
a little steamed.

We'll fix it right away.
You're not being a pest.
Goodbye.

So, you're busy and I'm bored,
so why don't I drop back over
another time?

Oh, by the way, did I mention
your guests get a 10% discount
at my place?

No, you didn't.
Good.

I bet after you
get to know him,
he grows on you.

I'll take that bet.

I better get those linens.

Which reminds me,
can we still afford that maid
we talked about?

Well,
it's an operating expense.
It's deductible.

Oh, great.

I deduct it from our savings.

Well, I got my plane.
Now, which door was it?

Leslie,
if you don't mind my asking,

why are you interested
in being a maid?

Well, to be honest
with you, Mr. Loudon,

I'd just like to get out
and experience the real world.

You see, all my life,
I have had everything
given to me,

money, cars,
clothes, schooling.

I want to find out
what it's like to be average.

It's fun.

I probably
don't have a chance,

but I'd really like to
have this job, and I'd
work really hard at it.

As for my qualifications,

I have a degree
in European History,

and I'm presently
attending Dartmouth

studying for my Masters in
Renaissance Theology,
and in my free time,

I'm practicing with the hope
of becoming a member of
the US Olympics ski team.

That's basically what
we're looking for in a maid.

Leslie,
I can't see any reason
not to give you the job.

I can't see any reason
not to vote for you.

The job is yours.

Oh, Mr. Loudon, thank you.
This is terrific. Thank you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hi, Dick.

I just brought over
some things from the store

that I've been looting
from this place
over the years.

Nothing of any real value.

This looks kind
of interesting.
Yeah?

Well, the rest of
the stuff is junk.

Hi. I don't believe we've had
the utter thrill of meeting.

I'm Kirk.

Leslie Vanderkellen.
Kirk what?

Douglas.

That's not true.
His name is Kirk Devane.

Actually, that's not true.
I lied to you, Dick.

Your name is
really Kirk Douglas?

No, it's not that either.

You see what
a sickness this is?

Hi,
how's the interview going?

Great. Great.
This is Leslie Vanderkellen.
This is my wife Joanna.

Hello.
Hi.

And you know...whoever.

We just hired Leslie.
She's gonna move in

and work for us
while she's going to school.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, I guess that's about it.
Why don't I get George
and he can show you around?

Why don't you get me
to show her around?

Thank you.
Leslie,
what are you studying?

European History
and Renaissance Theology.

Say hello to fate.
That's what my
degrees are in.

Dick, the DWI just called.

The who?

The Daughters of the War
for Independence.

They heard from
the real estate agent that
the inn was opening again,

and they want 12 rooms
for next weekend.

Why?

Well, honey, apparently
a number of their ancestors
stayed here

during the winter of 1775.

Well, that's great.
It's just...

Well, I just don't think
we're ready to host
a lot of people yet.

Dick, we're talking
about a lot of money,

and look how much
we've lost fixing up
the Pomerantz's room.

Honey,
we didn't lose that money.
We'll still break even.

Maybe not in our lifetime.

I mean, the purpose
of buying the Stratford
was to restore it,

not to make money off it.

I think we're talking
about our integrity here.

Okay, if you feel
that strongly about it,
I'll just tell them no.

I'll also tell them
you won't be giving
a speech on the inn's history.

What's that?

Like they wanted you to.

They asked for that?
Mmm-hmm.

See, that's not fair.

I mean,
you know that I'm a sucker
for talking about this place.

I mean, I love that stuff.

It's up to you, Dick.
What do you want to do?

Well, I've already
taken my position.

There's only one thing
I can do.

I'm changing my mind.

Hi. Remember me?

You're Kirk something.

Right. Listen,
if you're not busy,

I was wondering
if you would like to
go to a movie.

You're joking, right?
Right. I meant
go get a pizza.

I'm waxing the floor.
How about tomorrow?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I can't go tomorrow night.

You see, I have this
really close friend,

and, well, we've been almost
like sisters to each other

ever since I was
10 years old.

Well, the last two years,
she's had this
really serious illness

and we didn't know whether
she was gonna
pull through or not.

But she did
and she met this
really neat guy,

and they're really in love,
and they're getting married
tomorrow night,

and I'm serving
as maid of honor.

Any chance you can
get out of it?

Well, I got the rooms cleaned,
the baths ready

and the carpets vacuumed.
Hmm.

Oh, and Leslie is
working out great.

Did you know that her family
owns their own island
in the Caribbean?

She told me that this morning
while we were cleaning grout.

I'm sorry, Joanna.
This is amazing.

What is?

Well, I was looking for
some special material
on 1775,

like the Daughters asked me,
and I ran across
this packet of letters.

This one is dated
January 30, 1775.

"Dearest Annabelle,
I could not march on
to Concord

"without expressing to you

"my deepest gratitude
for the kindness
you showed me,

"and, in fact,
the entire platoon,

"upon our recent visit
to the Stratford Inn.

"My sincerest regards
to all your fine young ladies

"who understand
the rigors of battle

"and their tender affections
which soothes
a soldier's heart."

Then he goes into
more bawdy prose.

Dick, what does this mean?

I think it means,
in the winter of 1775,
the inn was

whatever our
forefathers' word
was for a cathouse.

How in the world are you
gonna tell a Daughter of
the War for Independence

that her
great-great-great-grandmother
may have been...

A fun date?

(CHATTERING)

Can I get you anything?
No, thank you.

Okay.

Oh, Dick,
they're waiting for you.

How do I look?
Nervous.

Have you figured out
what to say yet?

If I figured that out,
I wouldn't care how I looked.

They seem to be
having a good time, honey.

I'll put a stop to that.

Well, I've served
all the hors d'oeuvres.

Good luck.
Thanks.

Well, I set up your podium.

Oh, okay.

I put it by the fireplace,
in front of all those chairs.

Good.
It's brown.

I think I'll find it.

I'm here if you don't.

Well, I guess this is it.

Good luck, honey.

(EXHALES)

Oh, there you are.

Oh, Daughters, Daughters,
would you please
take your seats?

Please be seated.

Attention, everyone.

It's time to start
the second half
of our meeting.

I'm sure that we're all
looking forward to this,

as many of us
feel a kindred spirit
for the Stratford Inn,

and especially
the winter of 1775.

I'm sure our guest speaker
tonight is going to enlighten
us more about that year.

He's an author,
a self-admitted history buff

and the owner
of the Stratford.

Would you please join me
in giving him a warm welcome?
Dick Loudon.

Mr. Loudon. How very nice
of you. Welcome.

Thank you. Thank you,
Mrs. Hamilton.

Well, what can I tell you
about the Stratford? Um...

It was built in 1774
by Nathan Potter

and named because it was built
much like his ancestors' home
in Stratford, England.

Nathan Potter died
only two months
after the inn was built,

and his family moved
to Boston,

where apparently
Mrs. Potter had relatives.

Then somebody else bought it.
Jumping to the 1800s...

Excuse me for interrupting,
Mr. Loudon,
but you jumped over 1775.

Did I?

By golly, I did.

We were especially
interested in that.

You see,
we know that we have letters
from some of our ancestors

showing that they stayed here
during that winter,

and apparently
they had a wonderful time.

(STAMMERING)
Are you sure it was here?

Oh, yes.

So, we would like to hear
what you know about
that particular year

and the rest of the stuff,
you can flush.

Well, when you
put it that way.

Before I tell you
about the winter of 1775,

just bear in mind
that there was
a war going on,

and war, as everyone knows,
can be not good.

And there was probably
lousy weather,

which forced them to spend
a lot of time indoors.

Excuse me again, Mr. Loudon,
but just what are you
trying to say?

It's what I'm trying
not to say.

You know,
sometimes people think
they want to know things

and then,
when they know them,
they wish they didn't.

What do you know, Loudon?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, since you're forcing me
to say this. Ladies,
according to my information,

in the winter of 1775,
when all your ancestors
were staying here,

the Stratford was
not so much an inn
as it was a house of...

Let me put it this way,
there's every reason
to believe

you may not be
so much Daughters
of the War for Independence,

as you are daughters
of a three-day pass.

(ALL GASPING)

Well, I can tell from
your stunned silence
you're not taking this well.

I wish there was
something I could say, um...

Really, it's not as bad
as you think.

If you could read
some of the letters I read,

this place meant a lot
to our fighting men. Um...

It inspired them to
rededicate themselves
to the war effort,

sometimes after
only a few hours.

Are you saying
we shouldn't be upset?

Well, maybe not.
Maybe Vermont
wouldn't be Vermont today

if the Stratford hadn't been
what it was then.

My God,
he could have a point.

And it wasn't just
Vermont it helped.

From some of
the letters I read,

guys from New Hampshire
and Massachusetts...

Good for them.

Ladies, let's face it,
America might not be
America today

without the Stratford.

And I, for one,
am not too proud to
tip my hat and say well done.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Dick, am I crazy
or are those women happy?

I don't know what you said,
but it certainly
turned the trick.