All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E21

Hi, honey.
Morning, George.
Hi.

Breakfast will be
ready in a minute.

We were just talking
about that thunderstorm
last night.

Ooh. I love thunderstorms.
They're so beautiful,

and they leave everything
so fresh and clean.

Nature stinks.

What's the matter, Kirk?
"What's the matter?"

Did anyone notice we had
a thunderstorm last night?

Yeah, we were just saying
how much we enjoyed it.

Really? Well, thanks to
the excellent drainage
and sloping landscape

of your property,
my cafe is now underwater.

Would you like
some breakfast?

Well, either that
or we all could
put on scuba gear

and eat
over at my place.

Can't be that bad.

The floor is flooded.

Flooded?
Well, there are puddles.

That sounds like
a leaky roof to me.

Me, too.

What are you trying to do?
Weasel out of paying damage
to my cafe?

Pay? It's a leaky roof.
It's not our fault.

(SCOFFS) Then lend me
the money to fix the roof.

That's not
our fault either.

Okay, then let's talk
about something else.

Okay, Leslie,
how about you and I
going out tonight?

What time?

Why do you wanna know
what time?

So I'll know
when to be ready.

What is this?
Some sort of
a cruel joke?

You never
go out with me.

Because I'm always busy.
But tonight I'm not.

So what time
do you wanna go out?

(CHORTLES) I don't know.
I'm totally unprepared
for this.

How about 7:00?

Fine. I'll just break
the date I already have,
and I'll see you at 7:00.

If you have a date tonight,
why don't we go out tomorrow?

Fantastic.

Come on, Dick.

In your study.
Come on, come on.

Come on,
come on, come on.

Kirk, why'd you
drag me in here?

Leslie's finally
going out with me.

This is the happiest day
of my life.

I thought you'd wanna
share it with me
and loan me money.

I'm not loaning you
any money.

Look, I can understand
you not loaning me money
for a roof.

I mean, that's gotta cost
at least $1,000.

But a date, Dick.
I'm talking
maybe half that.

You want $500 for
a date with Leslie?

Look, this may be
my only chance
to win Leslie.

How can you spend
$500 on a date?

Well, first of all,

there's dinner
at the finest restaurant
I can find.

I think it's a safe guess
that may be out of town.

So we have to
consider transportation,
maybe airfare.

Did you ever think the thing
that might appeal to Leslie

would be simple,
unpretentious fun?

No.

The only way
I'm going to win Leslie
is to prove to her

I have the class
and sophistication
to fit into her world.

And with your money
I think I can pull it off.

I'll give you
$20 and that's it.

$300.

We're not negotiating.
$20. Take it or leave it.

Then it's $20.
I'll get the rest
by selling my car

and all my blood.

Look, I know
there's no point
in my saying this,

but just try
to keep this date
in perspective.

You're saying don't
expect her to marry me?

Yeah.

If she does,
will you be my best man?

Yeah.

No, I'm sorry,
we don't accept pets.

We do accept
children, yes.

Well, I can appreciate
that you think of your pets
as your children,

but we don't accept
pets of any kind,

except seeing-eye dogs.

I don't believe
there's any such thing
as a seeing-eye cat.

I'll tell you what,
there's a very nice
kennel in town.

Well, you can call them,
but I don't think
they take people.

But you can try.

You're welcome.
Goodbye.

Dick,
I couldn't help overhearing
that you don't allow pets.

Do my fish count?

No, George,
you live here.

Besides, people
don't usually travel
with their fish.

That's true.
Fish tie you down.

Hey, guys.
We just found this
in the basement.

What do you think?

I think that's
a good place for it.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, excuse me.

Could...

Could somebody help me?

I'm looking for the young man
that runs the cafe next door.

Isn't he there?

I looked,
but the place
seemed deserted.

That isn't necessarily
a reason to give up.

What do you
want him for?

He's my grandson.

Kirk is your grandson?
Yeah.

You're Kirk's
grandmother?

I see I've fallen in
with smart people.

Well, it's so nice
to meet you.
I'm Joanna Loudon.

And this is
my husband, Dick.

Hi.
Hello.

And our caretaker,
George.

How do you do?

And our maid,
Leslie.
Hi.

Blanche Devane.

You're welcome
to wait here for Kirk.
Would you like to sit down?

Oh, thank you.
I walked all the way
from the bus station.

My dogs are
killing me.

How about
a cold drink?

Oh, thank you.

Gee, I'm surprised
Kirk wasn't there
if he was expecting you.

Oh, he didn't know.
I decided to
just pop in on him.

I was sitting in my house,
in the living room...

Where are you from?

Montana.

Whereabout?

You know Montana?

No.

Well, to save time,
let's just say Montana.

I was sitting in my house,
looking out of the window

and there was
nothing out there
but Montana.

And I said,
"I'm getting out of here."

You know,
this is really
something.

We've never met
any of Kirk's relatives.

Count your blessings.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.

So how is Kirk?
I haven't seen him
in eight, nine years.

(STUTTERING) He's fine.

You like him?

Yeah. We like him.

Well, good.

You know, Kirk never
had a lot of friends
when he was a kid.

I'll be darned.

You see,
he went through
this phase

where he lied
about everything.

And that turns
everybody off.

But he just needed
a lot of direction,

and I was in no position
to give it to him.

Well, you probably felt
that was his parents' job.

No. I was in prison.

I'm sorry.

Well, it isn't really
as bad as it sounds.

I was, uh...

I was seeing this, uh,
retired gentleman.

He had no way
to get anyplace,

and he didn't like to
depend on other people.

So, to kind of cheer him up,
I pinched a Lincoln.

Who left me a note
saying my grandmother
is here?

Your grandmother,
Einstein!

Grandma?
Get over here.
Hug me.

Oh!

What are you
doing here?

I came to see
my favorite grandson.

You came here
all by yourself?
That's wonderful.

You look great.

Oh, you think so?
I've been thinking
I kind of let myself go.

Doesn't she look great?
Absolutely.

Cut it out, now.
I really ought to
have called you first,

but I thought
it would be more fun
to surprise you.

I hope you haven't got
any plans for tonight.

You sure I'm not
putting you off,
dropping in this way?

Are you kidding?
You're my grandmother.
I love having you here.

Where are you
staying?

Kirk, she's probably
planning to stay with you.

Where do you live?

Behind my cafe.

Um...

How much are
your rooms here?

(MURMURING)
They charge
$35 to $55.

Um...

Why, I guess
I could swing a $35.

Absolutely not!
We wouldn't hear of it.

You are welcome
to stay here
as our guest.

Oh, in that case,
give me a $55 job.

Well, this is great.
My favorite grandma
is here.

She's staying
with my best friends.

I'm the happiest guy
in the world.

(SIGHS
HAPPILY)

Dick, could I talk to you
for just a second?

What is it now, Kirk?

My grandmother
came on the night
I have a date with Leslie.

Reschedule it.

I can't.
She's already here.

I meant
reschedule the date.

You know how long
I've waited for this?

The first time
I had a date with Leslie,

you took her skiing
and fell on her.

Now you want me
to postpone this?

I'm not doing it, Dick.

I'm two hours away from
the most important night
of my life.

I've gotta seize it
while it's here.

Just explain
to your grandmother
you have got plans for tonight

and you'll see her
tomorrow.

(SCOFFS) You're saying
go out there
to my grandmother,

to the woman
who practically
raised me,

who was the guiding light
of my childhood,

who, whenever
I had a problem,
I could always talk to...

Or write to,
if she was in jail.

And who always knew
what was best for me.

You're saying go out
to that woman and say,
"Hey, Grandma,

"I can't be
with you tonight.

"I have a date."

Could you say that
to your grandmother?

I guess not.

Well, I'm going to
say it to mine.

Grandma,
can I talk to you?

You can always
talk to me.

Here's the deal.
You see that girl
over there?

You mean Leslie?
Right.

I have the same
feelings for her

that you had
for that Marine
that one time.

No kidding.

Yeah.

The thing is,
we're doing
something tonight

that I've been planning
for a long, long time.

And the thing is...

Yeah?

And the thing is...

And the thing is,

I'd be really happy
if you'd agree to join us.

Of course I'll join you.
What else am I gonna do?

Just follow me.

Will this be
all right?

Actually, um,
that would be better.

Sure.

Hello.
Hello.

Thank you.

Okay.
Here you go.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

If you'd like to move again,
just let me know.

Boy, I bet
the food is good here.
Do you two come here often?

Uh, no, I've heard
about this place,

but I've never
been here before.

Well, I wanted this night
to be special.

And this is just
the beginning.

Wait till you see
what's coming.

Kirk, I hope
you haven't planned
anything too extravagant.

Too extravagant?

Time is too precious
not to live every minute
to the fullest.

I just can't believe
after all these months,

I finally have you
all to myself.

How you doing,
Grandma?

Don't worry about me.

Okay.

Leslie, I know
there have been
a lot of times

when I've seemed
like a lunatic,

you know, coming on to you
and embarrassing you
in front of other people.

I guess I thought
that you were so great

that I felt insecure
by comparison.

Kirk,
I think I understand
why you act the way you do.

You don't have
to explain.

Mr. Devane,
this is the wine
you ordered.

Fine.

When did you
order wine?

Well, actually I took
the liberty of ordering
a special dinner in advance,

and I selected the wine
at the same time.

Sir.
Thank you.

(SIGHING)

How is it?

It's fine.

Good.

I think when you have
a nice, fancy meal like this

a little booze is
the perfect accent.

Thank you.

I'd like to
make a toast.

To Leslie.

May I have a lifetime
to make you as happy

as you've made me
tonight.

(EXCLAIMS)

Is that a harp?

I think I'll go check
on our dinner.

Remind the chef
that it's now
dinner for three.

If you'll excuse me.

I'm having a good time.
How about you?

Me, too.

You seem like
a nice girl, Leslie.

You're pretty, you're bright,
you're poised.

So, um,

what is it
with you and Kirk?

What do you mean?

I mean,
how would you define
your relationship?

We are good friends.

Friends, okay. So that means,
either you are very serious
about him and you're shy,

or you don't care a fig,
and you're polite.

I'm very fond
of Kirk.

That sounds polite.

It's not
that I don't think Kirk
is really a terrific guy.

Yeah, but...

Would you marry him?

There's a difference
between liking someone
and marrying him.

But it doesn't mean
that we still can't have
a nice evening.

It's okay. I didn't mean to
make you feel uncomfortable.

I just brought it up
because ever since
we sat down here,

I had this tremendous need
to cut through the crap.

Now that I get
the feel of things,
it's fine,

and we can sit back
and enjoy ourselves.

Our dinner
should be out
any second.

Forget the food,
let's go.

What?

Let's go.
This whole thing
is a waste of time.

What are you
talking about?

This whole production.

The food, the wine,
the harp. You're doing it
to win this girl.

This girl isn't
interested in you.

I went to check
on our food.
What happened?

You grandmother asked
about our relationship,

and I said
we were friends.

Friends. You hear that?
You know what that means,
don't you?

That means
we could've gone
for tacos.

I can't believe
this is happening.
I was gone for two minutes!

What difference
does it make?

You've got a lot of
expensive food coming.

Let's get out
while we can.

Kirk, maybe
it would be better
if we went home now.

What about
our date?

Kirk, if you can't
catch anything,
cut the bait.

Sir, your pheasant
with cherries flambe
is ready.

Oh, jeez. Put it on ice.
We're leaving.

I beg your pardon?
No, we don't want it.
Take it back.

No, we can't take it back.
It's on fire.

Well, wheel it around
the room a couple of times,
somebody will want it.

Come on.
Let's get out
of here!

Grandma!
Come on!

Before they charge us
for the wine.

Say, Joanna,
this really looks good.

Did I ever tell you that
one of my favorite meals
is pork chops?

Yes, you have, George.
That's why I made them.

Aw!

Yeah, my mother used to make
the best pork chops.

She bought them at
this little store in town.
It's not there anymore.

Well, these came
from John Mason
down the road.

You know, he finally
slaughtered that big pig
of his,

so these ought to
really be fresh.

They slaughtered Phil?

You, uh...

You knew the pig?

I've known Phil for years.
I used to feed him
kernels of corn

every time I went by there.

Well, dig in.

I can't eat this.

What are you
talking about?

Phil was like a friend.

I don't feel right
eating him.

George, the only reason
that pigs exist
is for people to eat them.

Well, I'm not
eating this one.

Now that you are
talking about it,
I don't think I can either.

Now I can't eat him.

(SIGHING)

Mmm! What smells
so good?

Phil.

What are you two
doing back so early?
And where is Leslie?

She went up
to her room to change.

What happened?
I thought you were all
going out to dinner.

We didn't have dinner.

Are those
pork chops?

Yes, would you like some?
I seem to have made more
than we need.

Oh, sure.
I could eat
a couple.

Here you go.

Oh.

Sit down. Stop acting
like your whole world
had come to an end.

It has.
It has not.

What happened?

My grandma
stuck her nose in
where it didn't belong

and ruined
the whole evening.

Oh, give me a break.

All I did was show him
he didn't have a chance
with Leslie.

I'm trying to get him
to face reality.

I'm doing you a favor,
you big dope.

I didn't ask you
to do me a favor.

I didn't even
ask you to come.

He didn't mean that.
Oh, sure, he did.
He's mad. I'd be mad, too.

But right is right.

What else
have we got here?

Are those potatoes?

Well, as long
as I am not eating,

I think I'll go
check on Kirk.

Kirk, I'm not sure of all
that's going on tonight.

But I mean,
you know,
are you okay?

You know
what drives me
crazy, Dick?

My grandmother is right.
She is always right.

I know now
I don't have a chance
with Leslie.

People have been
telling you that for months.

I told you.
Joanna told you.

Leslie told you.

Yeah, but none of you
is my grandmother.

I'm not sure I follow.

Everybody has to have
something to trust.

For some people
it's their faith,

for other people
it's their instincts.

For me it's that

rotten little car thief
in the other room.

She's just always known
what's best for me.

And if she tells me
I'm kidding myself
about Leslie,

then I guess
it's time to admit it.

Well,
I think I'll fix myself
a peanut butter sandwich.

Kirk, I know
this evening didn't turn out
the way you planned.

I'm sorry.

Well, except for
not getting any dinner

and having
my dreams shattered,

it wasn't so bad.

Maybe we can go out
some other time.

I don't think so, Leslie.
I'm giving you up.

Oh.

I'm admitting there's
no future between us

and I'm getting on
with my life.

I think
that's good, Kirk.

You do?
Uh-huh.

Okay, so now
it's really over.

(SIGHING)

Kirk, I never said
I didn't like you.

I always wanted
to be your friend.

Big whip!
Who needs friends?

Come on, Kirk.
Everybody needs friends.

Well, okay.
I guess I could use

one.

If it means
anything to you,

I've always been flattered
by your attention.

What are you doing?
I thought this was over.

It is.

I, uh...

I figured I'd come out
and test the waters.

If you still wanna be cross
with me, I can go upstairs.

No, it's okay.

You think
I was too rough
on you tonight?

I always think
you are too rough on me.

You know why I do it,
don't you?

Yeah, because
you're mean.

So how would you like
your old grandma
to walk you home?

Sure.

Say, Dick and Joanna,
they're such nice people.

How long do you think
I can stay here

before they start
charging me?