All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E20

Come on. Baby needs
a new hotel.

I love games.
I have a philosophy.

It's not whether
you win or lose,

it's just important to have
as much fun as you can.

Yeah? My philosophy is
win or die. So,

give me Marvin Gardens.

Would you mind
watching the desk
for a minute?

Where's Dick and Joanna?

In Dick's study
being interviewed
for the Sunday magazine.

Why?

Because the Sunday
magazine interviews
interesting people in town.

And they think
that Dick and Joanna
are interesting people.

They never
interviewed me.

Maybe they don't think
you're interesting.

Well, then I hate them.

Well, I'm gonna
serve them some coffee.

Would you mind
taking care of the desk
in case anybody comes in?

Sure.
All right.

Uh, excuse me,
could someone help us?

Yeah, she'll be back
in a second.

I would have to say
I don't think either of us
have ever been happier.

I agree with Dick.

The move to Vermont
was the best thing
we ever did.

Oh, and you should know
Leslie Vanderkellen.

This is Mrs. Vosford
from The Weekly Horn.

Hello.
Hello. What do you do, Leslie?

Well, I work part-time
for the Loudons as a maid,

and I'm also
studying at Dartmouth

for my Masters degree
in Renaissance Theology.

In her spare time,
she's training to become

a member of
the United States
Olympic ski team.

And if that isn't enough,
she makes a heck
of a cup of coffee.

Well, that's impressive.

Thank you. Let me know
if you need anything.

Nice meeting you.

Thank you, Leslie.

All that and
she's pretty, too.

Yes, Leslie's amazing.

No, Leslie's perfect.

Well, let's get back
to you two.

What do you like
most about each other?
Mrs. Loudon?

Oh. I don't know
where to begin.
Dick is so wonderful.

He's kind and generous,
fair, dedicated.

He's handsome,
creative and industrious,

and well, just about
the best all-round guy
in the world.

(CHUCKLES)

You just did better
than Leslie.

What do you like
best about your wife?

Oh, that's easy. I would
say that Joanna is
a terrific homebody.

I left out that he has
a great sense of humor.

Why, did I say
something funny?

You said
I was a homebody.

No, I said you were
a terrific homebody.

Darling, that sounds
like I'm somebody
who's always home.

Well, you are.

Well, I may be home,
but I'm always busy.

Well, then I guess
I should have called
you a busybody.

Dick!

No, really. I love it
that you're satisfied,

you know,
being around the house
with no responsibilities.

What do you mean?

Well, I didn't mean
no responsibilities

but all your responsibilities
are here at the inn
and not out in the real world.

Sweetheart, I don't think
that's right either.

Well, Joanna,
what do you
want me to say?

Well, I'd like you
to make it clear
to Mrs. Vosford

that I don't sit around
all day and knit.

Oh, oh. I see. I'm sorry.
I think I can explain. Um...

Well, in the first place,
Joanna doesn't know
how to knit.

You don't really
sew either, do you?

No. And thank you so much
for clearing that up.

Mrs. Loudon,
why don't you tell me
what you do?

No, really,
I'm much more interested
in what Dick has to say.

She's teasing now.
That's another quality
I love about Joanna.

She's a great teaser.

I'm not teasing.

She is teasing now.

Dick, quit stalling.
Tell Mrs. Vosford
what you think I do.

Well, I don't know
exactly what you do.

I mean, how could I?
I'm always working.

(LAUGHING)

And I'm not?

Mrs. Loudon,
for what it's worth,
I'm on your side.

I used to be home.
I know what it's like.

I admire any woman
who chooses to stay there.

That task is awesome.

Thank you, Mrs. Vosford.

In fact, I think
you deserve an award.

Personally,
it drove me
up the wall.

The tedium,
the endless days.

I mean, how many soap operas
can a person watch?

I don't watch soap operas.

Oh, I know.
I didn't admit
watching them either.

And the point is,
I recognize your value.
It takes a special kind of...

What? Metabolism
to do what you do.

You mean
a slower metabolism?

Joanna.
Like say, a snake?

Honey, nobody said
anything about snakes.

No, I think
that's accurate, Dick.

You know how slow
my metabolism is.

I only eat
twice a year.

Every March I swallow a roast
and then I'm good until fall.

I'm sorry,
have I touched a nerve?

No, not at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll go out
and lie on a rock.

You gotta watch her.
She'll tease your pants off.

Uh, George?

Yeah, Dick.

What are you doing?

I'm making faces
in my plate.

That's what I thought.

Why do you ask?

(SPUTTERING)

No reason.

So how did that
interview you had
go today?

It went fine.

Uh, Joanna,
I hate to ask you this,
but do we have any gravy?

Do I sense
a little tension
in the air?

Everything is fine, George.

Oh, good.

You have your
choice of gravies, dear.
Beef, turkey or giblet.

Would you like
some gravy, George?
No.

You know, Joanna,
you can't stay mad
at me forever.

You're probably right,
but let's wait and see.

What was so terrible
about what I said?

What was so terrible
about what you said?

What did you say?

Nothing, George.

Dick called me
a homebody.

Oh, that's terrible.

No, it isn't.
Then why aren't
we having gravy?

He also said
he doesn't know
what I do all day.

Well, I know you do things.

Things?

Let me tell you what I do.
I run this inn,
for one thing,

I make breakfast
every morning for
at least a dozen people,

I check guests in and out.
With Leslie's help,
I dust, I clean, I iron.

I also do the bookkeeping,
I polish, I restore,
I refinish.

Those are
the kind of things
I meant by "things."

You know,
I think I just realized
why we bought this inn.

We bought it so I could
kill myself working,

and you could
walk through it everyday
and say, "I love this inn."

I'd love some more meat.

What I was trying to say today
is I don't notice what you do

because people who are great
at what they do,

always make it
look so easy.

I don't know,
maybe I'm just mad

because I'm sensitive
about it.

I've always had
other interests,
at least till we moved here.

Maybe deep down,
I don't think what I'm doing
is important enough.

Oh, well,
what do you wanna do?

(SIGHS)

Maybe I could
go back to school.

I think that's
a terrific idea.

I'm too old.

That's true.
I am not!

It's always been one of
the regrets of my life

that I never got my degree.
I came so close.

What happened?
I met Dick.

(SOFTLY) Oh.

We were both working
at the same ad agency
in New York.

He was a copywriter

and I was going to NYU
and working part-time
as a secretary.

When we got married,
Dick quit his job to write,

and I quit school
so I could work full-time
to support us.

Not that I would've had it
any other way.

Honey, if you wanna
go back to school

or work outside the house,
I mean, that's fine with me.

But you don't have to
do those things
to prove your worth to me.

I've always thought of you
as a bright, capable person

who I've considered an equal
and someone I could count on.

Really?
Absolutely.

(SIGHING) That's sweet.

Now would you
make us some gravy?

There's a moral here, Dick.

Keep your mouth shut.

That's it.

You certainly look nice
for your job interview.

Thank you.

I think it's important
to make a good
first impression.

I think so, too.

Then I'd get
whatever that is
off your tooth.

Oh, no.

Oh, I wonder how long
I've been walking around
like this.

Oh, probably since
you left your house
this morning.

Mrs. Loudon?
Uh, yes.

Hey, Roy Herzog.

Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.

Well, you all set?
I think so.

Okay, come on in.
Okay.

Have a seat there,
make yourself...

Listen, you don't mind
if I have lunch

while we talk, do you?

No, of course not.
Go ahead.

I hate doing this
in front of you,

but it's been
one of those days.

Stuff's piling up,
I'm short a person.

(PHONE RINGING)
Telephone's ringing.

I have to interview people.
I mean, I'm really swamped.
Oh, darn it.

What's the matter?
Cheese. Cheese.
I hate cheese.

My wife knows I hate cheese.
It seems like after
you've been married for a...

I'm sorry.
Where was I?

You were saying
you're really swamped.

Oh, yeah, well,
you know how it is,

everybody wants to be
a travel agent.

I'm sure you have to be
very selective.

Yeah, well,
we're a small office.

We get a lot of
repeat business.
What in the hell is this?

Do you know
what that is?

Ah, well, I'm not sure,
but it smells good.

Yeah? Well,
then you take it.
So where was I?

You were saying
it's a small office,

you get a lot of
repeat business.

Oh, right. You know,
this really, really
a great business

and I'll tell you why.

You're fulfilling
people's dreams.

Making them realize
their fantasies

by booking them
to exotic lands
in faraway places.

What's the bus fare
to Dayton?

It's in your files.
Listen, could you get me
a cup of coffee

and a sandwich or something?
Sure.

Well, Mr. Herzog,
the job certainly
sounds exciting.

It does?
Yes.

Well, then can I be
honest with you?

By all means.

You know, you've got
a lot going for you.
Oh, thank you.

I mean,
you're bright, you're pretty.
You're printing is real good.

Boy, I'll tell you,
you'd make one heck of
a travel agent.

Well, I'd certainly
do my best.

But I'm not going
to give you the job.

Why not?
Well, you haven't worked
in several years.

You don't need
the money.

And I'm afraid
this is just a whim.

A whim? Mr. Herzog,
I would never come
looking for a job on a whim.

You wouldn't?
No.

I'm not some young girl,
fresh out of school,
trying to find herself.

I'm a mature woman.

And whether or not
my husband is
able to support me

doesn't diminish
my desire or capacity
or right to work.

Boy, that's
a real good argument.

I bet you'd be
terrific here.
I bet you'd catch on fast.

I bet you'd get to work
every day on time.

It's just that I know
you're gonna quit
in two weeks.

I'm not gonna quit
in two weeks.

You're not?
No!

Mr. Herzog,
I've always been
interested in travel,

and I'm not just saying that
because you were the only ad
in the paper.

Okay, let me think.

You're gonna need
a lot of training.

It'll take a lot of
supervision at first.

It's gonna take
a lot of my time.

So how soon could you quit
and not make me crazy?

Mr. Herzog,
I'm not gonna quit.
You have my word.

I don't know
what else I can say
to make you believe me.

Okay, what the heck,
you got the job.
I do?

You knew that. You knew that
the minute you came in here.

I didn't.
Yes, you did,
you charmer, you.

Come on, let me
introduce you
to everybody.

Oh, Mr. Herzog,
I'm so thrilled,
I don't know what to say.

You're not thrilled.
You knew.

Betty, Frank,
I want you to meet
your new co-worker.

She got the job?

Come on, you knew
I was gonna hire her.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.
I can't wait
to get started.

Well, neither can we.
Now, that'll be
your desk, right here.

Betty, I want you to
set her up with everything.

Get her some of those
business cards and a calendar,
and... What's that?

A staple remover.
Get her one of those.

I want her desk all set up
and ready for business,
first thing tomorrow morning.

What if your husband
gets sick?

Then I quit.

I knew that.

But otherwise,
I'm here.

Okay. It's a deal.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow at 8:00.

We don't start
until 10:00.

Then I'll take
those two hours
and memorize the globe.

(MOUTHING)

Get me one of those.

All right. This game,
I'm gonna be the racecar.

I'm the top hat.
Okay.

What's the matter, George?

I'm always the racecar.

That's silly.
Come on, let's get going.

Well, if it's silly,
let him be the car.

Never.

I'm not going to play.

Good. It's just
you and me, Leslie.

The way it should
always be.

I'm not playing
unless you give George
the racecar.

Why can't the man
be an iron or a shoe?

Because I'm always
the racecar.

(SIGHS) Look,
why don't you both
be something else?

What's the big deal?

All right.
I'll be the top hat.
No way.

Look, okay, come on.
Look, I'll be the Scotty.
Okay?

Let's just get
on with the game.
Hi, everybody.

Okay, you got the dice,
you go first.

Guess what?
I got a job.

Three. One, two, three.
Baltic Avenue, 60 bucks.
I'll buy it.

Well, I've told you.
Guess I'll tell Dick.

Dick? Oh, sorry,
I didn't know
you were busy.

Yeah.

I have something to tell you,
but it can wait.

Great.

Okay, that's
enough waiting.

What are you doing?

Dick, you won't believe
what I did this morning.

I don't believe
what you did just now.

Dick, I've got a job.
You're kidding.

No. You are looking
at a woman who from
now on, can take you

to any city in the world,
any time you wanna go,
for practically nothing.

You got a job
as a pilot?

No, Dick.
I'm a travel agent.

Great. Congratulations.

You're surprised,
aren't you?

No.

You're a little surprised.

No.

Well, no matter
how surprised you are,

apparently there are
some people out there
in the real world

who don't think
I'm such a hopeless
homebody, after all.

Joanna, calling you
a homebody was stupid.

No, it wasn't.

Well, it was thoughtless.

It may have been
the biggest favor
you ever did for me.

Okay, it was brilliant.

Don't you see?
If you hadn't called me
a homebody,

I'd never have
taken this job.

Now, thanks to you,
I'm gonna be working
with interesting people,

doing stimulating things,
getting paid for it.

I don't have to be here
all the time doing
all those routine things

like bookkeeping,
taking reservations,

and talking with the guests,

listening to the sound
of you typing,

knowing you're in
the next room
if I ever wanna talk.

Taking long walks with you
on the spur of the moment.

And you know,
just generally doing
all those things

that I love to do.

Oh, Dick.

Oh, honey.
I'm such a dope.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am,
for listening to you.

Oh.

I mean, for listening to you
and not listening to myself.

Darn it!
I like what I do here.

I like taking care of
this place and you,

and the guests.
I like my life the way it is.

Are you saying
you like being
a homebody?

I hate that word.

You're right.
It's a disgusting word.

Don't you understand?
When you call me a homebody,

it means you think
I'm somebody who
doesn't wanna do anything.

No, it doesn't.
When I call you
a homebody,

it means somebody
who does a lot.

It's just that
you do it at home.

Somebody who
doesn't do anything
at home is called a sloth.

Welcome home.

(SIGHS)

Nice to be back.

Oh.

Now,
first thing in the morning,
you call the travel agency

and you tell them
you changed your mind.

Oh, God.

Now what's the matter?
Oh, you don't understand.

I practically begged
Mr. Herzog for that job.

He didn't want to hire me
because he said
I'd quit in two weeks.

Well, he's wrong.
You're gonna quit
before you even start.

It's not funny, Dick.
This is exactly
what he said would happen.

He even accused
me of being there on a whim.
Can you imagine that?

I have to be careful
how I answer this.

Well, there's just
one thing I can do.

I'm gonna have to
hold my head up high,

march into his office
tomorrow morning

and make an utter fool
of myself.

Honey,

I know you can do it.

Dick, I feel funny about
this. Maybe you should
just wait in the car.

Look, Joanna,
this is as much
my fault as it is yours.

I think we should
face it together.

Good morning.
Hi.

Hi.

I'd like you all
to meet my husband, Dick.

Honey, this is
Betty and Frank.
Hi.

Hi.

Did you come down
to watch the first day?

Well, I came down
to watch the beginning of it.

Oh, Dick, look.

Joanna, a name plaque
is no reason to take
a job you don't want.

Morning!

That's him.
All right, remember,
be strong.

And I'll be right here.
Okay.

Well, well, well.

Hello, Mr. Herzog.

I'd like you to meet
my husband, Dick.
Oh, hi.

Hi.
We're sure
impressed with Joanna.

We're looking forward
to having her here.

Well, I know
she's looking forward
to being here.

Mr. Herzog,
could I speak to you
privately for a moment?

Certainly.
My office or yours?

Come on in.

Have a seat.

I'll tell you one thing,
you sure do look pretty today.

You're quitting,
aren't you?

Oh, no! No. No.

Then what did you want
to talk to me about?

Well, the job
and not taking it.

You're quitting.

I'm not quitting.
I'm not starting.

I knew it!
I knew it!

I knew it! I knew it!
Darn! Darn! Darn! Darn!

Don't be upset.

Rats! Big stupid rats!

I know how this must look.

Rats!

I really do appreciate you
giving me this job.

Yeah, well,
thanks a lot
for coming in.

It's just that
things have changed
since yesterday.

Oh, God,
I feel like such an idiot.

You are an idiot!

I can understand
your being angry
and I don't blame you.

I just wish there was
some way I could show you
how sorry I am.

How about
hanging yourself?

Do you have cats?

Uh, no.

Are you sure?

Are you all right?

That's all right.
I'm sorry I got like that.

That's okay.

You made a mistake,
you're human.
We're all human.

Thank you for
being understanding.
I just don't know what to do.

Just say
we'll be friends.

Say it!
Oh! We'll be friends.

Now get out.

Ah. There you are.

How'd it go?

Let's just say
it's over.

What do you mean?
I won't be taking the job,
after all.

Oh, no, really?
Oh, what a disappointment.

You owe me 10 bucks.

Let's go.
Joanna!

Uh, I'm sorry the way
I acted in there.
That's okay.

I really feel
terrible about it.
I just want you both to know,

if you ever
wanna take a trip,
any place at all,

just give us a call.

We'll set you up
real nice.

Well, that's
really sweet. Thanks.

If they call,
send them some place
with bats.