All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E18

Stop, Dick.

Stop what?

Stop hiding your figs
under the toast.

Joanna, don't be silly.
I'm not hiding figs
under my toast.

Well, what do you know, figs!

We talked about this before.
Now, you've gotta start
eating better,

and that means getting
more fruit in your diet.

I don't like people
telling me how to eat,

that's why
I became a grownup.

He's not eating
his figs.

I was saving them
for dessert.

Just try them,
they're delicious.

I hate figs.

They're full of vitamins.

I hate vitamins.

That's dumb.
Why would anybody
hate vitamins?

Because they come
in things like figs.

(PANTING)

Anything wrong?

I think I'm gonna faint.

I really think
I'm gonna faint.

Stop clowning, Kirk.

Wait a minute.

KIRK: Oh, God.
I don't think
he's lying this time.

Oh, God.
Oh, no.

Let's get him to a chair.

Kirk! Kirk!

What happened?
Take it easy,
take it easy.

I'll get a cold towel.

I'll get him
some water.

I'll get him
some figs.

JOANNA: Dick!

Kirk,
what's the matter?

A man just held up my cafe.

What?
What?
Was anyone hurt?

No, fortunately,
being breakfast,
the place was empty.

Well, what happened?

This guy came into my cafe.

He looked like
all my other customers,
hostile, nervous, trembling.

I said,
"Can I help you?"
He said, "Yeah."

Then he grabbed my
radio off the counter

and threatened to hit me
over the head with it

if I didn't give him
all my money.

He actually said that?

I think so.

All I could really hear
was Melissa Manchester

singing Don't Cry Out Loud.

How much money
did he get?

All my life savings,
$2,000.

$2,000?
You said you were broke.
How did you save $2,000?

Same way as everybody else.
It was my tax refund.

Kirk, this is terrible.
Did you call the police?

No, no, I was too upset
to do anything like that.

You should call
your insurance company.

Them, I called.

Well, then,
just try to calm down.

You weren't hurt,
and your insurance company

will reimburse you
for everything.

I hope so. I don't know.
I don't trust anyone anymore.

Kirk,
it was just one incident.

You can't stop
trusting people.

You don't know
what it feels like to
be threatened like that.

I was terrorized, Dick.

There's no telling
what kind of
psychological trauma

I may have suffered.

Right now, I'm afraid to
walk out on the street again.

Kirk,
is there anything I can do?

How about a movie?

Here you go.

You'll be in Room 8

and I'll have somebody
bring your bags up
in a minute.

Thank you.

Oh, Dick, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Powell.

They're spending
their honeymoon with us.

Oh, congratulations.
We hope you enjoy
your stay here.

Thank you,
I'm sure we will.

Well, here we go.

Oh, I always think
that's so romantic.

Why didn't you ever carry me
over the threshold?

We talked about that,
remember?
We did?

Yeah, I asked you
if you wanted to go through
a basically sexist tradition

and probably the two of us
would look like idiots,

and you said, "I guess not."

Hi, I'm looking
for the owner.

Hi, you found him.

Hi, Tom Carson,
World Mutual
Home and Casualty.

Hello, Dick Loudon,
and we don't need
any insurance.

Mr. Loudon,
we're the insurance carrier

for the Minuteman Cafe.

I'm investigating the robbery
they had over there earlier
this week.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Just making my report.

Need to
ask a few neighbors
some routine questions

concerning
Mr. Devane's character.

Well, I can certainly
vouch for the fact
that he's a character.

Yeah.

How long have you
known Mr. Devane?

Actually,
not that long.

But during the time
you have known him,

he's impressed you
as being pretty reputable?

Yes. Yes,
he's pretty reputable.

Of course, you know,
it depends on your
definition of reputable.

Would you say he is
basically an honest person?

Yes.

Basically.

I'm just trying to
determine whether or not
Mr. Devane is an honest man,

and I sense some
evasiveness on your part.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm certainly not
trying to be evasive.

Well, then,
would you please
just answer the question?

Yes or no?

What question is that?

Is Mr. Devane honest?

Look, I'm sure
Kirk didn't lie
about the robbery.

Are you're saying
he lies about other things?

He fibs.
He fibs for fun.
He's a fun fibber.

Mr. Loudon, what you're
saying is very serious.

No, no, it isn't.

Yes, it is. You're saying
Mr. Devane can't be trusted.

I never said that.

Never said what?

I never said that
Kirk couldn't be trusted.

You say that
all the time.

Who's this?

George Utley.

Do you know Kirk Devane?

Sure.

If you had to,
would you describe him

as basically honest
or basically dishonest?

Well, that depends.

On what?

Who are you?

This is Mr. Carson.

He's investigating
the robbery at Kirk's cafe.

See, any time anyone
claims to be robbed

and we don't know whether or
not they're telling the truth,

we have to investigate.

Well, I know Kirk
is telling the truth.

How do you know that?

Well, because when
Kirk told us about it,

Dick said,
"I don't think
he's lying this time."

Well, I'd like to thank
both of you gentlemen
very much for your help.

Mr. Carson,
I hope we didn't give you
the wrong impression of Kirk.

Don't think so.

Shoot.
What's wrong?

Oh, I think
I got Kirk in trouble.

I feel like a traitor.
I feel like the worst
kind of turncoat.

Oh, I feel the same way.

Why?
You didn't do anything.

No, I meant about you.

That was delicious.

Thank you.
Have a good day.

Thanks, we will.

Honey, I'm so glad
you decided to let
me make you

a healthy breakfast
for a change.

Well, I guess
one healthy breakfast
isn't going to kill me.

I know after you eat this,
you're going to have more
energy

and you're going to
feel better all day.

Good morning, Dick.

Good morning, George.

Would you pass
the butter, please?

Thank you.

Would you pass the jam?

Would you pass
the syrup, please?

(WHISTLING)

Thank you.

Do we have any
powdered sugar?

I can't eat this.

All right,
I'll get you a stack
of cholesterol and fat.

Do you want to explain to me
what happened over here
yesterday?

Kirk,
what are you
talking about?

I'm talking about someone
singing like a canary

to the insurance investigator.

All right, Dick,
here's your breakfast.

Oh, sure.
Sing like a bird,

eat like a pig.

Is there a problem, Kirk?

Problem?

When that investigator
left my cafe yesterday,

everything was fine.

Now he's snooping
all over town,

asking people
questions about me.

Apparently, someone
has led him to believe

I might not be
telling the truth.

I guess
that would be Dick.

Kirk, Dick didn't tell
the investigator anything
he couldn't have heard

from 100 other people.

But he might not have
talked to 100 other people

if Dick hadn't told him
I was a liar.

I only said
you lied occasionally.

Couldn't you have
stretched the truth?

That was
stretching the truth.

Well, thanks to you,
I'm trapped now.

What do you mean?

They've asked me to
drive up

to Burlington this afternoon
to take a lie detector test.

What's wrong with that?

What if I don't pass?

Kirk, if you're telling
the truth about the robbery,

you have nothing to fear.

Dick, you know how I am.

There's something inside me
that won't allow me
to tell the truth.

I'm just afraid if they
hook me up to that machine,

I'll burst into flames.

All right, would it
make you feel better

if I went along with you?

Are you volunteering
because you're my friend,

or because
you feel guilty?

Because I feel guilty.

Kirk, if you want me to,
I'll go with you.

Thank you, Leslie,
but I'd never drag
someone I care about

down into this slimy,
seamy mess.

I'll take Dick.

If I pass out, you won't let
my head hit the floor,
will you?

Kirk, relax,
it's gonna be fine.

This is all so sick, Dick.

Hooking people up to machines,
probing their minds,

injecting them
with electrical impulses,
making them pay for parking.

Kirk,
you don't have
to go through this.

I do if I want to get
what's rightfully mine.

The money I got from
cheating on my taxes.

Mr. Devane, here's the water
you asked for.

Thanks, could you
throw it on the machine?

He's joking.

And now, Mr. Devane,
as I said before,

I'll be instructing you
through the test.

You'll be asked a series
of questions in random order.

Your answers will be
registered according
to your blood pressure,

respiration
and skin response,

so it is important
that you remain calm.

Calm, okay.

Remember,
all of your responses
are to be yes or no.

KIRK: Yes or no.

Do you understand?
Yes.

Very well, let's begin.

Is your name Kirk Devane?
Yes.

Are you
a resident of Vermont?
Yes.

Have you ever been
convicted of a felony?
Yes.

Are you in this
country illegally?
Yes.

Wait a minute.

Kirk, you're not even
listening to the questions.

What?
You're not listening
to what he's asking.

What did he say?

Why don't we begin again?

Now, just relax
and pay attention.

Relax.
Okay, yes.

Is your name Kirk Devane?
Yes.

Do you run
the Minuteman Cafe?
Yes.

Do you use illegal narcotics
on a regular basis?

Yes.

Wait a minute,
he's doing it again.

I don't understand.
I'm not getting any variation.

You mean the machine
isn't registering
that he's lying?

It barely registers anything.
The pins haven't moved.

According to this,
he's in a coma.

Well, maybe
the machine's broken.

No, it was working
earlier today.

Would you mind answering
a few questions just to
test it?

Me?
Well, it will
only take a minute.

Here, just let me
get you unfastened here.

There you go,
you're free.

Would you stand up,
please?

Yes.

Kirk, would you
hold my coat?

Yes.

This must be
fascinating work.

Yes.

Never taken
a polygraph test before,

but then again,
why would I?

What do they call you,
polygraphers?

Polygraphists?

Lie guys?

The actual term is
polygraph examiner,

but you can call me Polly.

There now,
that does it.

Now, remember to relax.

Make all of your
responses yes or no.

Right. I mean, yes.

Fine, then let's begin.

Is your name Dick Loudon?

Yes. No.

My friends call me Dick

but my name is
Richard Loudon.

Just answer yes or no.
These aren't trick questions.

I'm sorry.

Are you
a resident of Vermont?

Yes. No.

What I mean is,
I live here now,

but I've only lived here
for a couple of months,

so I'm, you know,
not sure I'm
a legal resident.

I'm doing it again,
aren't I?

That's all right.

You do show
that the instrument
is definitely working.

DICK: Then how do you
explain his test?

I can't explain it.

For some reason,
he doesn't register
on the polygraph.

What does this mean?

If he doesn't register,

it means there's nothing
I can do to support his claim.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too, Kirk.

Looks like the only way
I'm gonna get my money
back now

is to go out and find
the guy who stole it.

How are you
gonna do that?

We'll ask around.

We'll start with
the seediest place in town.

That would be
your place.

Okay, we'll start with
the second seediest place.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Kirk, this is crazy.
It's not crazy.

This is the kind of place
where crummy people hang out.

Hi, Kirk.
Hi, nice to see you.

How's it going?
Good to see you.

Nice to see you.

Kirk, what are we
doing here?

Looking for my robber.

What'll you gentlemen have?

Look, we don't have time
to order.

We just want to know
if you've seen
anybody around here

who might be
a vicious criminal.

What are you talking about?

His cafe was robbed.
He's trying to
find out who did it.

Oh, you must be
from the Minuteman.

See,
they have heard about it.

Everybody's heard about it.

Oh, yeah. We were talking,

and we figured
whoever did it must
be from out of town.

Why is that?

Well, because no one from
this town would go in there.

Did you want
anything on the menu?

No.

Let's go.
Just give me one
last shot at it.

What are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna do
anything embarrassing.

I'm just gonna offer a reward
for any information

leading to the arrest,
conviction and execution
of the person who did it.

Kirk, that's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous to
make a plea for help?

Dick, these people,
cruddy as they are,
are still my neighbors.

And around here,
neighbors are always
willing to lend a hand.

People, hello.

Everyone,
could you listen up,
please, just for a second?

Could you just listen up?
Thank you.

As you may
or may not know,

the Minuteman Cafe
was robbed last week.

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

Say, would you
teach me how to do that?

Do what?
Sew.

George,
why do you want
to learn how to sew?

Well, every once in a while
I knock a button off of
one of my shirts

and I'd like to be
able to sew it back on.

This is one of your shirts.

Oh? Well, then, never mind.

There you are.

I thought you guys
would've been back
hours ago.

How did the test go?

You know how a vampire
doesn't show up in a mirror?

Kirk doesn't show up
on a lie detector test.

What do you mean?

It was a waste of time.
The test didn't prove
anything.

Well, if the test
didn't prove anything,
what happens now?

Well,
we don't know for sure,
but it doesn't look good.

2,000 hard-earned bucks
down the drain.

Look, Kirk, I know
you're feeling lousy,

but, I mean, it's not
the end of the world.

You know,
you're right, Dick.
I feel totally better.

All right,
I know it's a cliche,

but instead of feeling down,

just, you know,
count your blessings.

Okay, let's count them.

I'm broke, I'm alone,
I have no credibility,
and I'm good-looking.

That's one out of four.

You know,
I've been listening to you

all day go on like this,

and I'm trying
to be sympathetic,

but I think you're
overlooking one thing.

I mean, this whole
ordeal is your fault.

Let's give a hand for the most
insensitive man in America.

It's not insensitive,
it's true.

This whole ordeal
is the classic story

of the little boy
that cried wolf.

What story is that?

You never heard the story
about the little boy that
cried wolf?

Nope.

Well,
it's a story about
this little shepherd boy,

and he was out
watching over his lambs.

His what?
His lambs.

You mean his sheep.

Lambs are sheep.

Honey, there's
no such thing as
a flock of lambs.

I didn't say flock.
It could have been
a pair of lambs.

I always heard it was goats.

All right, whatever.

Anyway, the point is
he was out watching over
his herd of whatever,

and he was bored.

And he thought it'd
be fun to run into town

and tell everyone
that he had seen a wolf.

He cried, "Wolf."

What?

Honey,
I don't mean to interrupt,
but you said the little boy

went into town
and told everyone
he'd seen a wolf.

Actually, he cried, "Wolf,"
and the whole town
came running.

The way I heard it,

only his mother and
father came running.

I thought everybody
came running right away.

What difference does it make?

If it doesn't
make any difference,
why are you telling the story?

Just hear me out.

The little shepherd
boy kept crying "wolf"

because he enjoyed
fooling people.

But he had
cried "wolf" so much
that when a wolf really came,

no one believed him
and no one came to help him.

Is there supposed to
be a point to this?

Yes, the wolf ate his lambs.
Sheep.

Goats.

I thought the wolf
ate the little boy.

I don't care if the wolf
ate the whole damn town.

I mean,
the moral of the story is
that someone or something

somewhere, somehow,
got eaten by the wolf

because the little
shepherd boy lied

and no one
believed him anymore.

This is a religious story,
isn't it?

No.

Don't you understand
what he's saying?

If you lie all the time,
no one's gonna believe you.

Even if you're
telling the truth?

That's right,
that's exactly
what happened here.

All your chickens
have come home to roost.

Why are you suddenly
obsessed with livestock?

(EXCLAIMS)

Kirk, what Dick
is trying to say

is that when you were
telling all those lies

they may have
seemed harmless,

but at a time
like this, you see,

it's really important
that people believe you.

All right, just
give me a second
to think about this.

You're saying
the $2,000 I lost

is paying for
all the hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds

of senseless and
stupid lies I've told
in the course of my life?

I think that's right.
It's not fair.

Who said life was fair?

Oh, that might have been me.

Now, let me
get this straight.

You all know the story,
right?

Yeah.

Who told it to you?
Our parents.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Can I use your phone, Dick?
Sure.

(SIGHS)

Hi, Mom, this is Kirk.

Oh, come on,
don't start crying.

I know it's been a long time.

Since 1978?

Vermont.

Yeah, I own a little cafe.

Look, I don't have
time to chit-chat.

Mom,

why didn't you ever
tell me the story

about the little boy
who cried wolf?

Well, they said
it was a wolf.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Of course
I love you.

Do I have
to keep telling you that
over and over and over again

every five years?

I love you.