Original subtitles

Hi, Dick, busy?

As a matter of fact, yeah.

Too busy to listen to a man who's about to change the course of his entire life

and, in so doing, perhaps change the course of your life

and the lives of every person in the free world?

Afraid so.

(SIGHING) What are you talking about, Kirk?

Leslie is taking me to register for some college courses.

Dick, I'm going back to school.

Is this another one of your stupid ploys to be near Leslie?

You bet.

And I'm counting on you, as a fellow guy, not to tell her.

You know, you need a bachelor's degree to enroll in Leslie's classes.

So?

Do you have one? Not officially.

Have you ever been to college?

I've taught college, I've never actually attended.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

There you are. KIRK: Hi.

Hi, I'm all set. Great.

Did Kirk tell you the news? Yeah.

Can you believe he's doing this? Oh, yeah.

Well, let's go. First place we'll stop is the admissions office.

Boy, it'll be great to be back in one of those again. Nothing.

(DINGS)

(DINGING CONTINUES)

(BELL DINGING)

George, what are you doing?

I just fixed your bell.

I didn't know it was broken. Well, you wouldn't.

I mean, that's the funny thing about bells.

To know they're broken, what you've got to do is hear them not ringing.

I guess that's true.

Well, take the bell on your phone.

Every minute it's not ringing could be a warning that the phone is broken.

You've thought about this a lot, haven't you, George?

It's my job, Dick. You don't pay me to putter.

By the way, who's Manny Silver?

Manny Silver is a comic I knew years ago in New York.

You've heard me talk about him.

Doesn't ring a bell.

He actually gave me my start.

When I first started out, I was, you know,

trying to sell anything I could

and I sold him a couple of jokes. Why?

He's coming to visit.

You're kidding.

Nope, he tells you everything right there in that postcard.

Oh, boy.

You don't sound happy.

It's Joanna that isn't gonna be happy. She can't stand him.

That doesn't sound like the Joanna I know.

That's because you don't know Manny.

Oh, George, could you take this out to the back porch for me?

Oh, sure. Thanks.

While I'm at it, I'll check that back doorbell.

I haven't heard that ring lately, either.

Uh, honey, I don't mean to upset you,

but you'll never guess who is coming to visit.

Manny Silver.

That's incredible.

Some people are great surgeons, some are great singers,

I have this gift for knowing when Manny Silver is coming.

Honey, I know you don't like him,

but, I mean, after all, he did give me my start.

He bought seven lousy jokes at a dollar apiece, over 20 years ago,

and you've been paying him back ever since.

The point is, it was the first time I was ever paid to write.

I mean, it encouraged me.

And without Manny, I might never have written my first book.

Honey, you had So You Want To Plant Plums in you

long before you met Manny Silver.

He's only gonna be here for a day or two.

How do you know that?

Because some people are great surgeons,

some people are great singers,

I happen to have a gift for knowing when you'll throw Manny Silver out.

I heard a car. Is it Manny?

Yeah. Joanna.

Okay, I'll say hello.

Try to be nice to him.

Honey, just promise me that whatever he asks for this time,

you won't go along with it.

He isn't going to ask for anything, and I promise.

I just wish you'd understand

your being a successful writer has nothing to do with Manny Silver.

And no one knows that better than Manny.

(LAUGHING)

Will you look what seven jokes will buy?

Seven jokes, 25 books and 18 years of hard work.

Joanne.

Joanna.

Dick, bubele, how are you? How are you, Manny?

Oh, I couldn't be better. The way you live,

this country, all those trees.

I saw a dog have a nervous breakdown.

But seriously. There's someone here I want you to meet.

Corinne Nesbit, two of my best and dearest friends,

Dick and Joanne Loudon.

Let's not be formal, call me Joanna.

Corinne travels with me.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you. We met in Miami.

She worked at a bank.

She turned down my loan, but she approved me.

(LAUGHING)

Well, it must be very exciting, traveling with Manny.

Yes.

Did you travel a lot before?

No.

Well, it's nice to have you here.

Thank you.

She makes life on the road a lot brighter.

I can see how she would.

Well, you and Dick must have a lot of catching up to do.

I'm going to make some coffee.

Corinne, would you like to give me a hand?

No, thank you.

So, what does a guy got to do to get the nickel tour around here?

Not much. Corinne, you wanna join us?

No, thank you.

She's seen a lot of hotels, Dick.

Well, we're pretty proud of this place.

What part would you like to see first?

Well, if you have a dining room, let's look at that.

Dick, incredible. What workmanship.

Imagine, a whole room made out of wood.

Yeah, well, it was built in 1774.

I thought it looked old.

You know what I think our forefathers must have had in mind

when they built this place?

What? Dinner theater.

Dinner theater?

Yeah, you take a joint like this out in the sticks, you throw up a stage,

you serve a little food, I do my act.

Uh... Speaking of food, why don't I show you upstairs?

I'm not kidding you, Dick. A few cocktails, some weenies on toothpicks,

that's all you'd need.

Let me show you your room.

This is my room.

I could knock 'em dead in here.

Manny.

Dick, all I'm asking is one night.

To tell you the truth, I don't think that people around here would go for it.

Dick, I need the work. The clubs are drying up.

What's one night going to hurt?

If it doesn't work, I'm gone.

What if it does work?

I'm here indefinitely.

I just thought maybe you'd go for it

because, you know, I gave you your start and everything.

Manny, for the sake of our friendship,

please don't ask me to go along with this.

I'm asking.

I'm going along.

Dick, you want to get your camera,

so we can have our picture taken by this?

Look, I know it's tacky, Joanna, but you don't have to be snippy.

I'm not being snippy. And I don't know why you think

that a garish cardboard cutout of Manny Silver looks tacky

in the lobby of a tasteful, charming New England inn.

See, again I'm hearing snippy in there.

It's just that I knew this would happen.

If you're angry, I'd prefer you'd just come out with it.

Let's just save it till Manny leaves, okay?

Better, let it fester.

It is so stupid.

What's stupid?

You're stupid.

Looks like the first day at school went well.

Do you know what classes he signed up for?

Whatever was next door to what I'm taking.

That was just a coincidence.

A coincidence?

What kind of curriculum do you call Portuguese, Afro-American Studies,

Quantum Chemistry and Dance?

Diverse.

(EXCLAIMING)

Leslie, I know he's frustrating, but you don't have to scream.

I'm not screaming at him.

I just saw this sign.

In that case, I'd say you were remarkably restrained.

You let him put this in the lobby?

We put it in the lobby.

He had it on the curb.

Well, how do I look?

Flashy. Thanks.

How's the house?

Uh, thin.

Well, it's only 7:55.

Corinne, I want you to take a picture of the three of us in front of the sign, okay?

Dick, you on my left, and, Joanne, I want you on my right.

Okay? All set, sweetheart?

No, no, to the right of the sign.

Oh, yes. You ready, babe?

Okay, now, everybody smile.

Fabulous!

I set out those little candles on the tables, like you asked me to.

They look real snazzy.

Oh, great, George. I always thought that little candles on the table

give a room that certain Vegas touch.

That's what we strive for here at the Stratford.

That certain Vegas touch.

Yeah, I still get goosebumps when I see a club full of those little candles.

But then, I'm a sap.

Well, listen, I don't mind if they start coming in late. Why don't we get started?

Are you two kids coming?

We wouldn't miss it.

Can I call this a date?

Is it okay if I come?

Of course. You know what they say,

the more people, the less empty.

Show business has a language all its own, doesn't it?

Well, Manny, for what it's worth, good luck.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, listen.

I wonder if you would do me one more favor.

Really?

Ordinarily, I could walk out cold because they'd know me,

but being that this is New Hampshire and everything...

Uh, Vermont. Whatever. The woods.

I wrote out this special introduction

and I'd appreciate it if you'd read it for me.

I can't make out this one word.

"Magnificence."

Of course. "Comic magnificence." Um...

You want me to do this now?

Yeah, I just want a moment alone to psych myself up.

Showtime!

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Good evening. "Welcome to the Wood Room

"of the Stratford Inn in fabulous downtown..."

Wait a minute. Oh, I see. All right.

"Welcome to the Wood Room of the Stratford Inn

"in fabulous downtown.

"Once or twice in a generation, there explodes upon the scene

"a talent almost too large to be contained

"in a single human being."

Let me just skip ahead a couple of paragraphs here.

"So let's put our mitts together and give a warm New..."

Make that "A warm Vermont welcome to the comic magnificence

"of Manny Silver."

(PLAYING DRUM ROLL)

Oh, thanks. Thank you, thank you.

Boy, I wanna tell you how great it is to be here tonight.

This is really great. And great to be back.

(CHUCKLES)

How about a drink for the funny guy?

We don't serve drinks. We don't have a license.

I drive and I don't have a license.

(PLAYS DRUM)

I'm only kidding. But seriously,

I stopped drinking anyway. I gave it up for health reasons.

My bartender died.

You really look like a great crowd. Where's everybody from?

I'm from Vermont.

Vermont. Great.

How about you folks, where do you come from?

Philadelphia. Philadelphia. Hey, Philly, a great town.

You know what I hate about New York? The muggers.

I mean, I don't know about you, but they drive me crazy.

I've been held up so many times, I've got tan armpits.

Is this a standing ovation, sir,

or are you just getting up to adjust your shorts?

What can I tell you, Dick? I guess he just doesn't like your company.

I'm only kidding. My good friend, ladies and gentlemen,

Dick Loudon.

Uh, Manny, it isn't working.

Great, a heckler!

Excuse me, sir, is that your head or are you blowing a bubble?

Manny, uh, stop.

Why?

Manny, this isn't a fair test for you.

It was before you broke my rhythm.

Why doesn't everybody go in the lobby,

and I'll help Manny blow out the candles?

Gee, I really liked his show,

but could be I'm just blinded by all the flash and dazzle.

I don't understand what you're doing.

Manny, we both saw what happened.

We don't have to spell it out.

What happened?

It didn't work.

Oh.

Well,

(STUTTERING) I appreciate what you tried to do for me, Dick.

I won't bother you anymore.

Manny, you know, it was no bother.

Well, all the same.

I'll be up and out of here first thing tomorrow morning.

What happened?

I had to tell him the truth.

How'd he take it?

Well, you know Manny, he tried to put up a front, but

maybe, for the first time in his life, he couldn't do it.

I saw real feelings.

How about I dump Corinne?

Morning, Leslie. Morning, everybody.

Hi, Dick.

Have you seen Manny?

He and Corinne were down earlier, but they went back upstairs.

Wonder if he feels any better this morning.

Honey, I know the position you're in,

but don't worry, Manny will bounce back.

One bad show's not gonna kill him.

How do you know that?

He'd have been dead long ago.

(DRUM PLAYING)

That was a good one.

What's going on?

Sounds like somebody's playing the drums.

At 8:00 in the morning?

Thank you, folks,

and welcome to a brand-new feature here at the Stratford Inn.

Breakfast theater.

What's he doing?

Bouncing back.

How's everybody feeling this morning?

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Everybody feeling good?

I wanna talk to you about sex.

Manny.

Dick, don't worry. I haven't forgotten you.

Ladies and gentlemen, a good friend of mine

and the man who insisted that I be here, Dick Loudon.

And his wife, Joanne.

Have you noticed that hookers are getting more expensive lately?

Am I right, Dick?

Dick, you've got to stop him.

How? I...

(DRUM PLAYING)

I can't embarrass him.

What about embarrassing all those people out there and ourselves?

(DRUM PLAYING) All right...

All right, I'll see if I can get his attention.

But I'm not gonna humiliate him by making an announcement

in front of all those people.

So I said, "Spit out the cat and I'll give you back your dollar."

Manny, could I speak to you for a minute? Oh, not now, Dick.

You didn't tell me that this is when you draw a crowd.

What is this? Manny, we have to talk.

Can we go in my study?

Yeah, sure, but wouldn't it be easier if we just ask Corinne to leave?

I was trying to be polite.

Oh, yeah, I understand that. Corinne.

Look, Manny,

you're gonna have to face reality.

I know what you wanna say.

I have to adjust my material for this morning crowd.

You know, I do a lot of sophisticated wordplay,

and these people just are not awake enough or drunk enough.

(STUTTERING) Manny, I'm trying to help you.

Maybe I can find you some work.

You could do that?

Maybe not as a comic,

but I'm sure we can find you something, you know, if you need money.

Who said anything about needing money?

You said you needed to work.

I do, but I don't need money.

I need money like I need a new act.

I don't understand.

Dick, I love to make people laugh.

I need to make people laugh.

It's not what I do, it's who I am.

I just have to find the right spot.

I thought this might be it.

It's not. I'll just keep looking.

Manny, if you have money, why don't you build your own spot?

You mean, like open up my own club?

Ah, too risky. I could lose a lot of money.

Yeah, but you got money. What you need is an audience.

This is true.

My own place.

Manny's.

No, classier. Silver's.

Hey, Dick, you're about the greatest friend a guy ever had.

And to show you how great I really think you are,

I'm gonna let you be the first one to invest.

How much you gonna put in?

Seven dollars. Now we're even.

(CHUCKLES)

Bubele.

Where's Joanne?

Before I go, I want to say goodbye.

Joanne... Joanna.

Manny's leaving. He wanted to say something to you.

Oh.

Goodbye.

And you don't like him?