All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E14

(INAUDIBLE)

Hi.

Hi, Dick.
Oh, hi, Kirk.

Got any old
furniture or books?

I'm not sure.
What do you want them for?

I'm out of firewood.

Why don't I give
you some logs?

Fine.

You know, I notice
people almost never
sit on this.

No, Kirk.

Hi, Dick. Hi, Kirk.
I'm glad you're here.

Sound the trumpets,
call the mayor,
Leslie's glad I'm here.

I'm glad you're here
because I'm going to
bring Stephanie down,

and I want you
to meet her.

Hmm. Who's Stephanie?
My cousin.

She came in late last night

and she's going to spend
a couple days with us.

But she's really
depressed.

She was supposed to
be getting married

and now she's having
second thoughts.

So she decided
to come up here
and think things out.

I know you'll all
be wonderful for her.

We'll do everything we can.

No, not me.

I don't like to be
around depressed people.

Fine, but she's
my favorite cousin,

and I'm going to be
with her every minute.

Well, then again,
I've been meaning
to spend more time

with depressed people.

Hi, Kirk.
Hi.

Honey...
KIRK: George.

I'm so excited.

Guess what George
just told me?

That you have
the bluest eyes,
reddest lips,

and the cutest nose
he's ever seen.

What a nice thing to say.

Yeah, I never would
have thought of that.

George can get us a piano
for practically nothing.

George can get us
a lot of things
we don't need.

Oh, honey, don't you
think it would be great
to have one in the lobby?

There's just
something about a piano
that warms up a room.

You always said that
about a fireplace.

That's what my mother
always said about an iron.

What about it, Dick?

Well, who's
gonna play it?

You could play it.

I don't play the piano.

You said
you took lessons.

I only took lessons
because my mother said

it'd make me
the life of the party.

I'm sure she was
only trying to help.

Well, I've always
wanted to take lessons,

learn the classics,
or maybe Feelings.

That sells me.

Then it's okay?

Why not?

Oh, honey, thank you.

George, tell those
friends of yours
we'll take the piano.

George, how come these
people want to get
rid of the piano?

They decided to
get a good one.

Everybody,
I'd like you
to meet my cousin.

Stephanie, you've met
Joanna and Dick,

but this is
our caretaker,
George Utley,

and our next-door
neighbor, Kirk Devane.

This is my cousin
Stephanie.

How do you do, Stephanie?
Any cousin of Leslie's
is a goddess of mine.

Hello.
Hi.

Stephanie,
are you hungry?

A little.

Why don't you
stay here and get
to know everybody,

and I'll go make us
something?

Okay.

How you feeling
this morning?

Fine.

You'll just have
to forgive me

if I'm not
the life of the party.

Yeah, you know that feeling,
don't you, Dick?

Steph, we just
wanted you to know

that we've all been
where you are,

but you'll get through it.
It just takes time
and patience,

and caring friends
like us.

Do you mean that?

I never know.

You want to read
a magazine, George?

No, I've read
all of them.

Except that one.

You want this one?

No, thanks.

What do you
want to do?

I don't know.

Maybe you should
have gone sightseeing
with Kirk and the girls.

I thought it would
be more fun here.

I was wrong.

KIRK: Well, you know...

(LAUGHING)

STEPHANIE: That is
a wonderful story.

KIRK: Thank you.

DICK: You're back already.

What's a wonderful
story?

Kirk was telling
us about the summer
he worked in a rodeo.

Must have been
as a bull thrower.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'll say this
for you, you've
made me laugh.

Well, don't tell me,
tell her.

Kirk, it was very nice of you
to take us all sightseeing.

By the way,
thanks for the gifts.

You bought them all gifts?

Well, I had to run
into a drug store
for breath mints,

and these were on sale.

What did you buy?

Ladies' electric razors.

Well, I think
you've all been
really thoughtful.

I feel so much
better today than
I did yesterday.

You people are great
and he's the greatest.

That's blood talking.

Well, if you'll
all excuse me,

I'd like to go up
and put my razor away.

I think that's
something we'd
all like to do.

See you later.
You bet.

(STEPHANIE GIGGLES)

Looks like you've been
good for Stephanie.

I sure hope so.

Yeah, it must be
tough to be that age

and have important decisions
like marriage to make.

You will, you won't...
What's the big deal?

It's not that
simple, Kirk.

I was in a similar
situation once.

This girl I knew
wanted to get married.

To who?

To me, George.

Ah.

But I didn't
think she was serious,
and so I suggested that

we split up
during the summer
and think it over.

What happened?

Well, it turns out
she was serious.

When I saw her
in September,
she was married.

To you?

You're right, Kirk.

You will, you won't...
What's the big deal?

JOANNA: Careful.

There you go.

Isn't it beautiful?

You play the piano?

No, but I'm going
to take lessons.

Mmm-hmm.

I really am.
This is something
I've always wanted to do.

Mmm-hmm.

What do we owe you?

Why don't you just pay us
when we pick it up?

Oh, you won't need
to pick this up.
Believe me.

Mmm-hmm.

See you soon.

Don't you
just love it?

Isn't it written
all over my face?

Come on, honey,
play something.

Joanna, I told you,
I don't play.

You must remember
something.

Come on. Please.

(PLAYS SIMPLE TUNE BADLY)

Boy, you sure can make
that thing talk.

That's all I know.
Joanna, you sit down.

Dick, I don't know
how to play anything.

(PLAYING RANDOM NOTES)

This is gonna be great.

Mr. Loudon? Excuse me.

Would you mind if
I borrowed a book
from your study?

No, help yourself.

Would you help me
find one?

Sure, but you'd
be surprised how
simple it is.

(PLAYING RANDOM NOTES)

Well, what are you
interested in?

Mystery? Adventure? How-to?

Actually, I didn't come
in here to get a book.

Oh.

I came in here
because I wanted
to talk to you in private.

There's something
I have to ask you.

(STAMMERS) What is it?

I'm really confused
right now.

I'm having a lot
of mixed feelings.

What are you confused about?

Love and lust.

I'll see if I have
a dictionary.

Do you know what it's like
to feel wild desire?

Boiling passion?

To want carnal knowledge
of a total stranger?

(STAMMERING)
Sort of. Sort of.

Mr. Loudon, as a man,
what would you say
if I told you

that every time
I see you, I ignite?

That your eyes
and your lips,
even your teeth

make my heart race
and my blood boil?

What would you say
if I told you that

it's everything I can do
to keep my hands

from exploring
every part of your body?

Well, many times

writers inspire
a certain awe.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

No, I wasn't talking
about you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I knew that!

Who...

(STAMMERING) Who were
you talking about?

I was talking
about Kirk.

Kirk who?

Kirk Devane.

Oh, Mr. Loudon,

he makes me crazy.

I don't know what it is.

Yes, I do.

It's his aura, his essence.
It's his hair.

Why are you talking
to me about this?

You're Kirk's best friend.

What do you think
I should tell him?

Well, the first thing
you should tell him

is that I'm not
his best friend.

Here you are.
What are you guys doing?

Talking.

About what?

(STAMMERING)
I'm not sure.

Lust.
Oh, yeah.

You came down to talk
to Dick about this?

Oh, don't be mad.

All I'm trying
to figure out is

should I tell Kirk
how I feel or not.

Not!

But what if he's
the right person for me,

and I never find that out
because I never tell him
how I feel?

She has a point.

I guess.

No one can tell you
that Kirk isn't the
right person for you.

Personally, I'd bet
everything I own on it
that he isn't.

But you're right.
If you have any questions,
you should find out.

That's what I think, too.

Thanks.

(SIGHS) Oh, I don't know.

I'm just afraid
she's being naive
and impulsive,

and tomorrow
she's going to wake up

and feel silly and foolish
and embarrassed.

I know.

I feel the same way
about Joanna and her piano.

Here we go, two Junior
Minuteman burgers.

Hi, Stephanie.
Where's Leslie?

At the inn.

So what are you
doing over here?

I guess you could
say I'm hungry.

And you came here? Great.

I hope so.

So, what do you want?

You.

Did you hear
what I said?

You said you want me.

Yeah.

Want me for what?

I'm a woman.

What do you think
I want you for?

Can you give me five
minutes to blow these
people out of here?

Sure.
Thanks.

Hi! How's your dinner?

Great.
Fine.

How'd you like to finish
it out in the car?

What are you talking about?
Something's come up.

I have to close the cafe.
Come on, let's go.

We just started eating.

Well, I know. You know,
you can take your
plates with you.

When you're done,
throw them in
the parking lot.

I'll pick them
up in the morning.
Let's go. Come on!

I don't believe this!

I know.
It's crazy, isn't it?

Come on, get out.
Let's go.

Now wait a minute.
I'm not paying for this.

I don't expect you to.
I'll mail you the bill.

Come on, let's go.
Your food's getting cold.

He's got my hamburger.

Here. Go get it.

Go! Move! Let's go.

Come on! Out of here.

We'll never
eat here again!

Fine, fine. Be that way.

Sorry that took so long.

You don't think
I'm terrible for coming
over here like this?

(WHISPERING) Oh, no!

God!

I would never think that.

It's just that,
from the first
moment I saw you,

I've had this
uncontrollable passion.

Right.

Crazy, unbridled lust.

Lust. Got you.

All I can think about
was the movie Body Heat.

Oh, darn.
I meant to see that.

Do you feel the same kind
of things for me?

Of course I do,
and deeply.

And have you
felt them from the
moment you met me?

I can't lie.

Yes.

And it doesn't matter to you
that I'm Leslie's cousin?

Forget I said that.

I can't.

I know how you
feel about Leslie.

You do?

But I told her
about this.
You did?

And she doesn't
seem to mind.
She doesn't?

No.
I still can't.

Try.
Okay.

Forget it. I can't.

Kirk, I wouldn't be here
if I thought

there was anything
between you and Leslie.

Neither would I.
I'd be with Leslie.

You see?
That's why it's wrong.

(STAMMERS)

My heart is
already pledged.

There could never be
anything meaningful
between you and me.

I would just be
taking advantage of you.

Kirk, I've never felt
passion like this before
and I can't ignore it.

Are you asking
me to help you?

Yes.

I think I can live
with that reason.

(PLAYING SCALES BADLY)

Practicing your
scales, huh?

Yeah.

Boring, isn't it?

No, not at all. It's fun.

Mmm-hmm.

What are you going
to do now?

I'm going to go in
and have breakfast.

Want me to make it for you?

No, no. You stay
here and have fun.

Hi, George.
Hi, Dick.

How are you
this morning?
Fine.

I was reading here about
the Hillding-Perdum nuptials.

Sounds like a nice affair.

Really?
Yeah.

"The bride was wearing
a gown of peau de soie,

"trimmed in antique ivory
lace with a tiara of
little baby pearls."

What was the groom wearing?

It doesn't say,
but if it was me,
I'd have been in a suit.

You're finished already.

No, I just came in
because I felt badly

about you making
your own breakfast.

Don't feel badly.
I don't want to

tear you away
from your scales.

Just go ahead and practice.

I'm just having coffee.

Well, George
needs breakfast.
Right, George?

I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.

See? So, you can go
ahead and practice.

Did you ever think
maybe I'd like to
have breakfast?

Sweetheart, I have an idea.

Why don't you practice
and I'll make breakfast
for you?

Darling, I have another idea.

Why don't you stop being
so damn considerate?

You want me to call
the men and have them
pick up the piano?

Yes. Why don't you
have them pick it up
and drop it on you?

You want to hear about
the McFarlane funeral?

After breakfast.

Hi. Has anybody seen
Stephanie this morning?

I haven't.
Not me.

That's what I was afraid of.

What's the matter?

She didn't come
home last night.

Why are we surprised?

What else do you
expect from Kirk?

What are you
talking about?

Stephanie went
over last night

to tell Kirk how
she felt about him.

She hasn't come home yet.

Well, let's face it.
He took advantage
of a woman

in a vulnerable situation.

Stephanie's a big girl.

She knew what
she was doing.

Kirk's a big boy.
He knew what
he was doing.

I just hope Stephanie
isn't feeling used.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning,
Stephanie.
Hi, Stephanie.

I'm glad you're all here.

I want to make
an announcement.

I want to invite
you all to a wedding.

You and Kirk are
getting married?

No, I'm going home
to marry Carl.

Who's Carl?

He's the man I was
thinking of marrying
when I came up here.

Well, congratulations.
That's wonderful.

What are you
going to wear?

(CLEARS THROAT)

George, I don't think
she's decided yet.

Stephanie,
the last time we talked,

you were on your way over
to throw yourself at Kirk.

I did.

And he threw you back?

Oh, no, he was wonderful.

You mean, he understood
that you were confused
and reasoned with you?

No, he just let me
have my way with him.

(GIGGLES)

Kirk's a generous guy.

But see, that's
just what I needed.

The one thing
that was missing

from my relationship
with Carl was passion.

All the other
ingredients were there

but I kept thinking
passion was more important
than anything.

And Kirk showed me it wasn't.

In fact,
in one night he showed me
how trivial it really is.

Does Kirk know
he showed you this?

Oh!

We talked it over
this morning.

I'm really thankful
I met him.

If that's the way
you feel, I'm glad.

And I think you'll be
a lot happier with Carl.

Me, too.

You know,
when I came up here,

I thought Carl
wasn't exciting enough,

but he's dependable and honest
and sincere and bright,

and now I can't
wait to get home
and rip his shirt off.

Well, I don't know
about the rest of you,
but I'm happy for Stephanie.

I'm happy for Carl.

Forgive me, Leslie.
Flesh is weak.

Kirk, get up.

Stephanie explained
everything to us.

She's not confused
anymore.

She's going home
to marry Carl

and she has you
to thank for it.

I did all this and
you don't hate me?

Of course not.

That's fantastic.

It's like there's
a whole new rhythm
to the universe.

Let's just say
you got by with one.

Leslie, I just
have one question.

How does this affect
you and me?

Oh, Kirk, for the
five-millionth time,
there is no you and me.

But if it makes you
feel any better,

the fact that
you felt so guilty
is kind of un-nauseating.

I consider that high praise.

And if what happened
with Stephanie

has improved
your opinion of me,

then I give you my word,

I will win your heart
once and for all

if I have to sleep
with every relative
you've got.

This is such
a wonderful moment.

I wish we had music.

Joanna?