Original subtitles

So, all this childhoodmemorabilia came to me

after your mother died --

diaries, photo albums,adorable drawings.

So, enjoy your strolldown memory lane,

but know that at the endof that lane

is a dumpster. Okay.

You have a painting upstairs

by William "The Refrigerator" Perry,

but there's no room for my baby teeth?

I needed to free up some space in the garage.

Because it's not a garage anymore.

It's a warehouse full of dog beds

that nobody wants to buy.

It's been a slow period,

but it should pick upnext quarter.

What?

When all the dogs get back their income tax refunds

and they want to go splurge on beds for themselves?

Joe.Joe: What?

Help me drag some of thesethings out to my car.

We're gonna do someold-fashioned marketing today.

Oh, my God. The old Atari.

Uh-huh. Remember why we got that?

Yeah. So, we were on our first family vacation ever, okay --Ever.

...a week at this waterpark resort --Mm-hmm.

...and Dad got bored after, what,

three days? Three.

Made us leave early,

and he bought us off with this.

Lies and untruths!

We stayed the full week,

and I got you two ingratesthat game anyway.

How long are you gonna stick to that story?

Much as you two enjoyportraying me

as some kind of abusive parent --

Joe: Whoa! Aah! Oh! Oh!

Relax, Joe. We'll get you out in a second.

Okay, 35 years, and you -- ugh, you still can't admit it.

There's nothing to admit.Joe: [ Muffled ] I see light!

Should I go towards it?

Why would we both remember it one way

if it didn't happen, Dad?

Kids like to make things up.

Mm.They like the drama.

Come here, kid.

I was literally about to gnaw my own arm off

to get free.

With those things?

I still have the toothyou lost in a marshmallow.

Okay, so, thatone you kept?

--Captions by VITAC--

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc.

and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can.

♪♪

Phil: I was in Florida visiting my Dad.

I'd gotten a call that he was wandering

around the grocery store he used to run.

I wanted to find out if he was okay,

but...that's not something you can just ask.

You know, your mother and I came here every Sunday

for 44 years.

You miss her, don't you?

It comes and goes.

Fourth of July is rough.Really?

I didn't realizeshe was so patriotic.

Well, it's that hot dog eating contest they have on TV.

You know, I always thought that your mother

could have been a competitive eater.

No food ever expired in our house.

She'd see that last day pop up

on a pound of bacon or a gallon of milk,

and down it went.

It was personal for her.

Speaking of food,

y-you ever head overto your old grocery store?

Hey, listen. Do you remember that?

Oh, yeah. Penguinsquatch.

Put this town on the map.

June 1977.

Teen revelers report massive bird footprints

emerging from Lake Okeechobee.

A crowd gathers,

but the new tide has covered the so-called bird prints,

and the teens are beaten soundly.

Tracks reappear several days later,

and once again, word spreads through town.

An ornithologist deems the prints

those of a gigantic penguin, some 15 feet in height.

People come from miles around

to catch a glimpse of the wondrous waddler.

The tracks will appear on and off for years

and then disappear forever,

but not before Olympic gold medalist Mary Lou Retton

makes the trek to place her tiny footprints

inside those of the be-flippered colossus.

Didn't we take a picnicover there a few nights?

Everyone did.

It's the first time I ever sawyour mother eat a bag of apples.

[ Chuckles ]

So, Dad, I, uh,I w-- I wanted to ask you --

Oh, boy. No serious talk, okay?

Yes, I'm taking all my million pills.

You can come over and press my stomach.

I'm starting to feel like a bean bag chair.

[ Both chuckle ]

Guys, I just saw a ghost.

Okay, girls, grab your things. We're gone.

N-Not a real ghost.

More likea vision from my past.

Brenda Feldman.

An older girl that Manny had a crush on.

He even wrote a poem for her when he was little.

I gave her my heart,

she gave me a pictureof me as an old-time sheriff.

Today was my second chance,

but I couldn't evenget up the nerve to say "hi."

11-year-old Mannywould be disgusted by me.

Well, now you know how 12-year-old Lily feels.

[ Cellphone ringing ]Oh.

Sorry, this is work.[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hello?

Manny, you know who this family's

resident expert is in interpersonal problems?

I would say no one'sespecially --

That's right. It's me.

It took a little while, but I finally convinced Manny

the reason he had failed last time with Brenda Feldman

was because of his grand gesture.

Today called for acompletely different approach --

a super grand gesture.

Just go to her, okay?

Get in there! Let's go! Come on!

[ Claps hands ] Hyah!

Well, looks like my first house sale

is going to fall through.

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. You know what?

But things will turn around.

Do not turn around.

Okay, that's Debra Knox.

She stole my Educator of the Year Award.

A swooper?! A swooper!

Lily, grab your things.Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not a smoke demonthat terrorizes farm children.

Oh. It's a person that takes things

that are supposed tobe yours.

I have one of my own.

Gloria: I was closing a deal on my very first showing,

and a rival agent swooped in.

What a lovely home.

I mean, maybe not greatfor kids, you know?

Wait, what? But we're pregnant.

Oh. Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry.I didn't even see you there.

I was -- [ Gasps ] Oh, my.

Is that aCalifornia vulture wasp?

A mountain lionmust've made a fresh kill.

[ Gasps ]

So, the couple agreed to goto heropen house later.

[ Shoes tapping ]Young man: ♪ Hey, there, Sue,I heard you got dumped ♪

♪ And now you are blue

♪ So, how 'bout we go to the prom ♪

♪ If it's okay with my mom? ♪

I am so glad that Manny stoppeddoing those embarrassing things.

Oh, come on. Who doesn't love a grand gesture?

[ Loud pop ] Oh.

In front of my friends, Ronald?!

I can't believe I ever let you do my homework!

My g-- Oh, gosh. Oh, no, no, Manny!

Manny, abort, abort, abort.

Abort! [ Gasps ]

Back up! Back up! Back, back, back, back!

Get going! Get going!I'm going!

Abort!

Last week, I left some dog beds here,

so now the owners are probably getting swamped with requests.

The other day, I found out

that Joe saved up six months of allowance

and donated it all to charity.

It's one of those rare moments as a dad

when you realize you've really dropped the ball.

I mean, the kid needed to learn the basics of business.

[ Gasps ] Ooh, can I get that dog?

I'll do 50 hours of chores.

No, a hundred. Whoa.

Sales lesson number one --

never look desperatein a negotiation.

No emotion.Think of your cousin Lily.

Hey, I noticed the dog beds moved.

They must bepretty popular, huh?

Um, the dogs didn't like them.

What? These are dogsnobody wants.

I mean,what do they have going on?

Don't worry. The cats love them.

Cats? Never.I'm taking them home.

I mean, cat in a pineapple?How does that even make sense?

Maybe...they're from Meow-i?

[ Laughs ] Get it? 'Cause Hawaii?

Get in the car.Okay.

This Atari has quite a dent in it.

Didn't -- Didn't youthrow it at me? No.

Then -- Then explain this groovein my head, 'cause...

Yeah, I can -- I can fit themtogether like a puzzle.

Mitchell, you fell down the stairs sleepwalking.

It's established family history. Oh.

Unwilling to admit a mistake.

Wonder where youpicked that up from.

Look, it drives me nuts, too,

that Dad never cops to his mistakes,

but it's always gonna be our word against his.

Yeah. Why did you cut

the necks out of all these sweatshirts?

Oh, I wasa big "Flashdance" fan.

How you survived the golden age of bullying,

I will never understand.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We are sitting ona treasure trove of evidence

than could prove Dadcut our vacation short, okay?

I mean, you realize that building cases

against society'sworst criminals is what I do.

How's that case against the deaf old lady

who sells bacon-wrapped hot dogsoutside Laker games going?

She was warned three times.

Okay, how do we prove that Dad made us come home early?

I mean, uh, what was that place we went even called?

Hold on. I just sawa matchbook from there, and --

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.Here it is, here it is.

"Handelman Waterpark.Celebrating 25 years."

Ooh. I can get on this CSI train.So -- Yes.

Okay, "Founded in 1958," so that puts us there in '83.

'83, '83.

Locating my diary from '83.

Okay. And okay. Here it is.

April 20th."I think JT likes me.

Makes fun of my head dent."

So, that's --Alright, so it had to have been before that,

because we didn't have the video game yet,

and that's what made the d-- the -- the --

I interrupted.[ Smacks lips ]

So, we were there early April,

and, uh, no diary entriesfrom then.

Okay. Okay.But maybe this might help.

Look at -- Aww. Aww.

Here -- Here it is.

"Day One at Handelman."Whoa.

A mariachi band?

If you want the Brenda girl,talk to her like you don't care,

and then don't call herfor a week.Oh, oh, what?

And present himself as some brooding mystery man

whose dad-like approval she has to work for?

What woman has ever found that attractive?

[ Sighing ] I'll try it.

Cameron: Oh, great. There's Debra again.

Probably down there flaunting

her $30 gift card she got with my award.

It's my award.Is it go time?

Yeah, you know what? Maybe I will.

I'll just march right up to her,

and give her the classic Tucker stare down.

A dirty look.That's your big plan?

Yeah, she'll see in my eyes

that I know exactly what she did,

and trust me, all the free sample

of perfume spritzes in this mall

won't be able to cover up the stench of guilt on her.

Well, I just made a nice little connection.

Not with Brenda, who barely noticed me,

but with Ronald, who invited me to Panda Express

so we could eat our feelings.

Woman: Manny?

Um, you took off

before I could give you my number.

And maybe I could get yours, too?

Sure. Yeah?

Do you need my advicewith yourproblem now?

Whatever.

[ Laughs ] See, you shouldpoint this thing west

and, uh, come meetyour great-grandbabies.

Uh, this spring, I think.

I want to pose them to re-createfamous photos from history.

I've got all the outfits, uh, to re-create the VJ-Day kiss,

but I still need the fedora

to pull off Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald.

Careful. Well, obviously, the gun won't be loaded.

No, no, no. There's a pothole.

[ Car rattles ]Oh. Oh, geez.

I bet we blew a tire.

Fortunately, one local inventor

has been hard at workon the Presto-Jack TM,

a pneumatic devicethat both lifts a car

and powers a drill to change lug nuts.

I don't suppose --Yep.

In the trunk. Yes!

We can finally test it out!

You ready to launch?

Let's do it.

[ Motor whirring, controller beeps ]

Steady as she goes, and she's up!

It's working! You did it!

It's...Why is it still going?

How hard did you press start?Well, that shouldn't matter!

Well, just press "end task."Okay.

But only on the right side of the button.

Why wouldn't you tell methat first?!

Sweet maker!

Hmm.

Everybody warned me this would happen.

[ Steam hisses ]

[ Sighs ]

Hello, Debra.

Oh. Hi, Cam.

You wish.

I know you'll deny it, but these eyes...

can see right through you.

You mean how I stole theEducator of the Year Award?

Aha! I got you to admit it.

It's a good thing I'm wearing a wire.

Let me see it. Damn it.

I'm gonna be the belleof the ball in this dress.

Stealing this awardhas given me the confidence

to crusheveryone in my path.

[ Sighs ] Permiso.

I never even saw Gloria go into the dressing room,

but there she was, like a superhero,

able to destroy confidence in a single pose.

I'm glad I didn't gowith the first dress.

They'll takeone look at this one

and make me principal.

Ay-yi-yi.

Aw, come on!You know what?

Maybe you should try the dress on that lady's wearing.

[ Sobs ]

Oh, my God. That was brilliant and humbling.[ Laughs ]

You know, I-I pride myself on solving people problems.

You know what? You still have the swooper.

Maybe I could --No, thanks.

[ Curtain opens ]

She just can't accept help,but I can.

I'm thinking about rocking thisfor my date with Brenda.

Ignore the buttons.

Can you tellthis is a woman's coat?

Yes.

Sales lesson number two --create demand.

Leave a few dog bedslying around, dogs fall in love,

your phones start ringingoff the hook.

Go ahead. Over there. Go.

Wow. My dog really likes this bed.

I wonder if leaving it here will create demand.

Uh, no, thank you.

Alright, good start.

You could've beena little cuter with that.

What?! When did youstart saying "really likes"?

What happened to "weawwy wikes"?

You paid a speech therapist to shame it out of me.

[ Cellphone beeps ]Still no cell service.

Let's, uh, let's just hitchhike to the barber

and call a tow company from there.

[ Tires screech ]You can't let anything go!

You slept with my sisterwhile I was pregnant.

Not the hot one!

I swear to God -- I swear to God,

we are going through with thiswedding so that I can kill you,

and then I'm gonna divorceyour corpse!

Well, you seem like a nice couple.

Room for two more in there?

My dad's positive attitude

versus a couple bound for a "Dateline" episode?

It wasn't even a fair fight.

♪ Sweet Caroline

♪ Bup-bup-buh

Alright. Final lesson -- always be willing to walk away.

Hey, Ron.

I'm coming to you first'cause we're old friends.

It's Lon.Yeah. Hey, listen.

It's a steep price on this one,

but don't blame me.

I'm pocketing lessthan the kids that,you know, made this thing.

The Beagle Has Landed.

Sorry, Jay, none of these are selling.

Even the onesthat look like hot cakes?

Maybe a puppy will cheer you up.

I told you, not gonna happen.

You're giving up?

I can't give these things away.

Forget everything I taught you today.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Hey, mister,my dad was about to give you

the deal of a lifetime --

100 dog bedsfor a hundred bucks,

so you can give oneaway with each new dog.

A hundred bucks, huh?

I can see you're not serious.

Slow down that tail,buddy.

This is leaving with me.

[ Sighs ] Wait, wait. Don't walk away.

Would you do 50 bucks?

Will you throw in a puppy?

[ Dog barks ]

I've had two late-in-life projects.

One, dog beds, was a bust.

The other...[ Puppy whines ]

...is looking pretty promising.

Alright, okay.

So, Handelman closed in '99,

so no guest registry to tell us when we checked out.

Rental car companies are a dead end,

and no credit card receipts.

God, Mitchell, it might be time for us to face some facts.

What? That some peoplevery high up

don't want us to know the truth?

No. That we might have to let Dad skate on this one.

Never.[ Box rattles ]

Go easy on thosebubble-gum cigarettes, Mitchell.

They're gonna kill you.

Look, we tried, right?

I bought a pack of these

the last night we were at that resort

so I could try to look cool

at some...concert that we went to.

Hang on. Where was it? I --

Oh-ho. Bingo. What do you see, huh?

Uh...um,me at the park in a hat

with the name "Maddox" embroidered on it.

Oh, oh, I forgot about myMaddox Pritchett phase.

God, it is a miracle that you didn't need

a police escort to school every day.

Not you, the marquee.

Uh, "Tonight and WednesdayOnly -- The Monkees."Yes!

And according to their website,

they played the 14th and the 16th.

So, if we went the first night,

that means we would have left the 15th,

and we would have left early.

Okay, wait just a second.

I-I remember I was so upset...

Yes....that our vacationwas being cut short

that I cheered myself up

by going to the premiereof "Flashdance,"

which was on...

Ha! April 15th.

Yea-- What is up with you and that movie?

She was so much morethan a welder,

and I was so much morethan the president

of Students Against TV on Weeknights.

Okay, I know you remember it this way,

but how are we gonna prove it?

Bam! [ Gasps ]

My ticket, clearly marked"Opening Night."

I'm gonna say "bam" again.

Bam! Oh!

I can't believe it.[ Gasps ]

We might actually see Dad

admit that he was wrong! Ah!

[ Laughs ]Oh, my God, oh, my God! [ Gasps ]

Do you think he'll cry? No. [ Sighs ] Oof.

Claire, don't do that. Just take the victory.

I mean, why --why was he in such a rush

to get home, you know?

To -- To meet his buds at O'Brien's Pub?

I don't know. It's just...

Well, that is a little weird, though.

It says, "To Jay Pritchett,

the greatest bartender in the universe.

Dean Martin. May 1, 1983." Oh.

Since when was Dad a bartender?

Wait, and this isright after our trip.

I'm calling work wife.[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Sniffs ]Margaret: Hello?

Hey, Margaret, really quick --

was Dad ever a bartender?

Gosh, who knows?

I wouldn't trust this memory of mine anyway,

and -- [ Imitating static]

This is a bad connec-- [ Imitates static]

Margaret. You know -- [ Imitates static]

...that's what a bad connection stopped sounding like

when phones stopped having antennas.

Fine.

Early days of the business,

we couldn't make payroll.

He had to come back from a trip

to pay everyone out of his own pocket.

Took the night job to make ends meet.

Why wouldn't he have told us?

Probably didn't want to worry anyone.

Anyway, back to the wall, he did some of his best work.

Came up with a best-selling closet.

"Introducing the Maddox."

[ Cellphone beeps ]

And around this corner is the entertainer's kitchen.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came through the un-secure back door.

[ Chuckles ] Hello, again.

Hi. We're still interestedin your house.

We just might beleaning towards this one.

Oh, I'm very surprised.

People that like cooking so much --

are you guys going to be happy

with this tiny, little pantry...

that leads to a gigantic pantry?

Are you ready to see the interactive nursery?

[ Gasps ]The baby just kicked!

Oh. Hey.

We -- Are -- Are you all aboutto be my new neighbor?

Hope you like to party.My name's Fred.

They call me Peeper because --well, that doesn't matter.

Oh, you -- look,it's chocolate chip cookies!

Kids, get in here!

Get yourself some supper!

These are my blessings.

Do I like ethnic women?Guilty.

Do you like farm-fresh eggs?

I sold my very first house and destroyed my swooper.

Of course, the only wayyou can destroy a real swooper

is to stab its reflectionduring the Harvest Moon.

[ Car horn honks ]Enjoy Poland, you two!

Hey, Frank. Afraid I wasabout to close up.

Betsy's birthday.Okay, we'll come back, Don.

Well, h-hang on. I'm -- I'm pretty nifty with the shears.

I used to -- I used to cut Luke's hair,

and I once trimmed a hedge in our yard

into the spitting image of Doug Henning.

Sold.

Just lock her up.Thank you very much.

Hop on up there, young man.

[ Sighs ]

If I'm not mistaken, you saw your first naked lady

in this barbershop.You know it.

[ Chuckles ]

Hell of a crossing guard, but when she went crazy,

she didn't go halfway.

Well, that was her training.[ Chuckles ]

So, Dad, um...

just gonna get this over with.

uh... Oh, boy.

Is this gonna be about me going back to the grocery store?

Well, it -- it just seemeda little weird.

I heard you were therefor hours.

The place was a mess.

I mean, where is the pride?

Old days, they used to deliver my oranges on Tuesdays.

I could not have built a pyramid faster

with 10,000 Hebrews.

So, you weren't justwandering?

It's just -- I miss it, is all.

This takes meto my next question.

Um...did you and Mom ever --

ever want a-a-another child?

Well, I suppose all parents wonder

how things would have changed if they had a different child.

I-I didn't -- didn't meana different one.

I-I mean an additional one.

Why do you ask?

Well, 'causeif you'd had another kid,

maybe -- maybe he'd have taken over the business

and -- and you wouldn'thave had to sell.

I always --

I always felt kind of badthat I didn't.

The answer is no, Phil. Never.

Because...

well, you didtake over the family business, didn't you?

Keeping life light,making it fun for everybody.

I learned from the best.

[ Chuckles ]

Phil: When I was growing up, he was the cool dad.

He was hip.

He knew all the dances from "Grease."

He knew all the expressions.

BFF -- best friends forever.

TMI -- too much information.

BJ -- blue jeans.

It makes me feel lucky.

We didn't do much that day, but...

it might have been one of the -- the best days

I ever had with my dad.

I just didn't know it would be the last.

My dad wasokay.

And my takeaway from our day --

Don't miss a chance to let the people you appreciate...

know that.

The hard part has been, um,

figuring out a way to pay tribute to my dad,

but something came to me in the garage today.

♪♪

I think he would have liked it.

♪♪

♪♪

He left some big footprints, my old man.

Look, they're getting along great.That's not our worry.

Your mother is.

Eight years, she ignored Stella,gave her a complex.

One time,I was clicking a pen.

Stella threw up 'cause shethought high heels were coming.

Gloria: Hola![ Door opens ]

[ Dog barks ]

What is this?

He's the grownup.

Honey, we knowhow you feel about --

It's the cutest thing I've seen in my whole life!

[ Gasps ] I love you! Oh, my God!

I need a selfie with my best little boy!

I'll be back!

It's not your fault.

It is not your fault.