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1
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:13,179
We're not gonna make it!
2
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Find the ripcord!
3
00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:16,433
Pull!
4
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:21,854
Who are you?
5
00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:29,696
- We're American doctors.
- And also apparently now cops.
6
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:30,780
Yeah. It's a big concept.
7
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,344
- We're still wrapping our heads around...
- Get on your knees.
8
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:35,785
You have no idea
how much trouble you're in.
9
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,749
- What?
- You'll be placed under arrest and held
10
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:40,415
without bail until trial,
which could be months from now.
11
00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:41,916
Then I will personally see to it
12
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,240
that you're prosecuted
and sent to prison for many years.
13
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:46,337
You have no idea
14
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:47,964
the hell your life is about to become.
15
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:50,215
Oh, God.
16
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:53,303
All of which is precisely
what I will be saying
17
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,847
if you ever do anything like this again.
Do you understand?
18
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:57,682
- Yes, sir!
- Yes!
19
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:58,933
Then you are free to go.
20
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,017
Oh!
21
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,490
- Great!
- Thank you so much!
22
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,938
- They're so nice!
- Yeah.
23
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,900
We should get out of here before they find
the body under the parachute.
24
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,275
Yes.
25
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:09,736
Sorry I was crying.
26
00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:20,789
Is everyone here German?
27
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:25,460
Okay, so this is it.
The site of the second outbreak.
28
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:27,378
German Ministry of Technology.
29
00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,839
More like the
German Ministry of Sicknology.
30
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At least today, because of the virus.
31
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,259
You get it?
32
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,604
So all the workers
have been quarantined?
33
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:48,358
Yeah. If we can confirm
that they have the São Paulo virus,
34
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,691
we're almost definitely
looking at a terror attack.
35
00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:54,572
Well, fingers crossed they're all just
dying from something normal, you know,
36
00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,825
like malnutrition or drowning.
37
00:01:57,575 --> 00:01:59,160
What am I looking for exactly?
38
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,497
That.
39
00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,084
That's the same rash
that we saw in São Paulo.
40
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,214
Her blood work confirms it.
Owen, this is the same virus.
41
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:15,009
We have to figure out how it got here.
I just don't really know how to start.
42
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,053
We had a trick
we used to use on the force.
43
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,222
- Yeah?
- Keep an eye out for anyone that looks...
44
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,351
suspicious.
45
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,939
Excuse me,
do you know who that guy is?
46
00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:30,775
That's Hassim. One of our interns.
47
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,485
He brings coffee every morning.
48
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:34,195
Okay. I...
49
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:36,780
We got a runner!
50
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,826
- I'm going after him!
- All right, wait, wait, Owen, hold on!
51
00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,828
He was clearly acting guilty, right?
52
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,664
We're not, like, making a leap
based on his presumed...
53
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,291
ethnicity or religion?
54
00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,654
I actually had the same thought,
55
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,854
but I really think
that he's our most likely suspect...
56
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,296
- Okay.
- ...okay? That said,
57
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:53,256
very glad to be having this conversation.
58
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,592
- I'm going! See if he left anything!
- Will do.
59
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:02,557
Got you, you son of a bitch!
60
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:08,604
Hey, have you found him?
61
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,230
Yeah.
62
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,192
- I'm tailing him now.
- Oh!
63
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:14,694
Oh, I found his ID and date book.
Full name:
64
00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:16,279
Hassim Nazari.
65
00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:20,033
Oh, and he was in Brazil.
66
00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:21,159
What?
67
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,703
He brought the virus
from Brazil to Berlin!
68
00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:25,538
Owen, it's all here!
69
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,749
From São Paulo to today's attack to...
70
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:29,374
Oh, my God.
71
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:32,503
10:00 p.m. tonight.
72
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:33,921
Boom.
73
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,132
Owen, do not lose him. Stay close.
74
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,467
I will. Don't worry.
75
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:38,760
This terrorist is going down!
76
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,136
But, hey, look,
77
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,389
can you just go with me for a second
on this little thought experiment?
78
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:47,352
Let's just say that we were tailing
a young Caucasian man, okay?
79
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,187
And let's say his name was Brett.
80
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,773
Would we be as certain of Brett's guilt?
81
00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,317
Okay, okay.
82
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,527
Well, Brett would be acting suspicious.
83
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:59,197
Brett would have incriminating
evidence in his bag,
84
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,075
ergo, Brett would leave me no choice
85
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:03,785
but to assume the worst.
86
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:04,702
- Right?
- Yes!
87
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:08,248
In fact, I might be even
more inclined to suspect Brett,
88
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,249
given how loathe I am
89
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,126
to paint people from different cultures
with a broad brush.
90
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,837
Still, as much as we want to believe
that our motives are pure,
91
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,799
we have to remember that we are coming
from a place of privilege.
92
00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:20,051
I'm so glad we're talking about this.
93
00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:23,721
Oh, shit! He just saw me.
94
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,492
Okay, he's going into a market.
I'm gonna follow him.
95
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,517
A market?
96
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:31,312
Shopping!
Obviously I'm kidding. I'm on my way.
97
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:35,691
Where is he?
98
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:04,137
- This is a good price.
- No, thank you.
99
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,948
- Very, very good price. Please.
- Thank you.
100
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,391
I really don't have time
to haggle with you people.
101
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,601
No, thank you. Thank you very much.
102
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:14,147
Fine, I have 24 dollars.
What is it that you're selling me?
103
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,615
- Hey.
- Where are you?
104
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,077
I spotted him! I gotta go.
105
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,672
- Hey, where is he?
- He couldn't have gotten far.
106
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,923
- Let's go that way.
- Okay.
107
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:49,974
Whoa!
108
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:53,311
Okay, take it easy.
109
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:57,357
Don't do anything crazy.
110
00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,359
I respect mimes.
111
00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:01,444
This is me walking away.
112
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,033
Dankeschön.
113
00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:09,160
Come on! Come on! He went that way!
114
00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:14,414
There he is!
115
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,045
Stop, Hassim! It's over!
116
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,092
- Hey! What the hell?
- What is happening?
117
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,094
- Ow!
- Who are you guys?
118
00:06:58,584 --> 00:06:59,752
Who are you?
119
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:02,088
- We're American doctors.
- Based in Brazil.
120
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:03,506
What did you do to McIntyre?
121
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:04,757
- What?
- Where is she?
122
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:05,758
She's dead.
123
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,136
Yeah. She saved our lives.
124
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,720
But she didn't make it.
125
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,356
This is very sad.
126
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,961
Could you give me ten seconds, please?
127
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:25,485
Yes?
128
00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:30,366
Are you okay?
129
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,287
Please, just ten seconds.
But uninterrupted, okay?
130
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,622
Now I have to start over.
131
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,258
- Just let us know...
- Please, jus...
132
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,844
Just give me time to grieve. That's all.
133
00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,108
Okay.
134
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:07,027
Boom.
135
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:09,738
I'm done.
136
00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:13,534
My apologies for the kidnapping, okay?
137
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,870
When I hear that McIntyre went missing,
138
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:19,141
you know, I assumed someone betrayed her.
I have to make sure it's not you, right?
139
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,791
- Yeah, sure.
- So what are your names?
140
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,543
- Uh, I'm Owen.
- Lola.
141
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:23,711
- Lola.
- And you are?
142
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,423
They call me the Goldfinch.
143
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,842
- The what?
- Goldfinch.
144
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,803
And... you work for McIntyre?
145
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:35,765
No. No. I work for myself.
146
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,182
And for everyone.
147
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:38,518
But for no one.
148
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,728
I mean, for my country.
149
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,146
And for yours too.
150
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,106
- Thank you.
- And for the entire world.
151
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,108
But for myself. I already said myself?
152
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,568
- Yeah.
- Anyway, but yes.
153
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:52,740
My best days were spent working
side by side with McIntyre.
154
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:55,159
There's three people
in this world I trusted,
155
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,411
and Sloane McIntyre was one of them.
156
00:08:58,579 --> 00:08:59,497
You know the other two?
157
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:00,456
No, I have no idea.
158
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,707
You want to try to guess?
159
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,876
- Oh, um, I mean...
- We don't know who you know.
160
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,200
Or not. It doesn't... Whatever.
161
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:08,172
One of them is named Susan Curtis,
162
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,884
the other is a guy
by the name of Herman Gibbs.
163
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:17,223
Anyways, I think we're all set here, guys.
They seem okay.
164
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,976
As usual, great kidnapping. Okay, go, go.
165
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:24,605
And email me your time cards, okay?
All right, you guys are the best!
166
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:27,191
I love these guys. They are police.
167
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,692
So...
168
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,616
any friend of McIntyre
is a friend of the Goldfinch.
169
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:39,203
Now I want you to tell me everything
that has happened so I may help you.
170
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,038
Okay, uh, well,
171
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,916
we were chasing a terror suspect
who was probably transporting
172
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,127
a never-before-seen deadly virus
173
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:49,755
and, uh, then you kidnapped us
right before we could apprehend him.
174
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,591
I, so... I...
175
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,343
I see, so I got... It's my fault.
176
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,444
- Uh, water under the bridge.
- I mean...
177
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:57,722
Things happen.
178
00:09:57,805 --> 00:09:59,390
This is like Guam all over again.
179
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:02,018
McIntyre mentioned Guam.
What happened there?
180
00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:04,729
Let me put it to you like this...
181
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,608
Guam was like Nicaragua...
182
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:10,775
times five.
183
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:14,989
And if this virus
is half as bad as McIntyre says it is,
184
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:17,992
it's gonna be like Guam times 100.
185
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:20,202
- You do the math.
- Okay,
186
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:21,746
a thousand Nicaraguas?
187
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,332
Five hundred Nicaraguas.
But still very bad.
188
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:25,833
- It's 500, yeah.
- Yes.
189
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:27,460
- I was gonna say 500.
- You were?
190
00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:28,836
Well, you should've.
191
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,922
Maybe we should focus
on nabbing our suspect.
192
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,549
- Right.
- Yes, what's his name?
193
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,718
- Okay, Hassim Nazari.
- Got him!
194
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,387
Wow! You are fast!
195
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,807
What? You think this van is just
some driving around machine? No way.
196
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,477
Okay, I do quick background check on him.
197
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,271
He's not on any watch list.
Here is something.
198
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,773
- What is it?
- Oh, see,
199
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,984
he take a lot of money
from a cash machine in the Sinale.
200
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,402
The Sinale?
201
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:57,323
Yes, it's a Muslim neighborhood.
Locals call it Arab Street.
202
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,075
- Oh.
- Oh.
203
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:04,372
Okay, uh, listen, we just want you to know
that we didn't see Hassim and go,
204
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,832
"Oh! There's an Arab. That's our guy!"
205
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:07,916
Of course, I know that.
206
00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:11,045
The point is we're not looking
to catch a Muslim terrorist,
207
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,923
we're looking to catch a terrorist,
whatever color he...
208
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:16,884
- Or she!
- Or she! Great catch, Owen...
209
00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:18,386
Turns out to be.
210
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,554
- You know?
- It's okay.
211
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:21,889
- We're not racist.
- Yeah.
212
00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:23,182
- Okay.
- All right.
213
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:26,894
I'm going to tap into
the city's traffic camera system.
214
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,980
- See if we can find him.
- Whoa!
215
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,233
Where are you, Hassim?
216
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,043
We've located the plane, sir.
It went down
217
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,793
in a secluded area
200 miles outside Berlin.
218
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,255
My God. No one could survive that.
219
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,634
Not even Gloria Gaynor,
her indomitable spirit notwithstanding.
220
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,221
Terry, you were
on the ground in São Paulo.
221
00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:04,682
Anything suspicious
about those two doctors?
222
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,308
Oh, I don't think they were involved.
223
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,643
They were really nice to me.
224
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:10,521
The lady doctor taught us
how viruses work using a hula hoop.
225
00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:14,775
Someone did not want McIntyre
to reach the Berlin outbreak site.
226
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,628
Do you think the terrorist
is still in Berlin?
227
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:20,114
I do, but not for long.
Another city will be next.
228
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:23,951
These attacks will not stop
until we stop them.
229
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,979
Why don't they make the whole plane
230
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,416
out of the same stuff
they make the black box out of?
231
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:34,253
Actually, there are a bunch of reasons.
Black boxes are made from titanium.
232
00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:36,589
A plane made out of that
would be way too heavy to fly
233
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,232
- with any...
- Shut the fuck up, Terry.
234
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:46,265
I have good news and I have bad news.
235
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,517
Good news is: I'm getting married.
236
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,644
- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
- Come on!
237
00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:53,397
Yes, it's so many emotions, really.
238
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,484
It's everything. But it's June 21st, so...
239
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,401
just keep it open.
240
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,337
- No obligation. I understand.
- That's so nice.
241
00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:01,947
Okay, the bad news is our man Hassim
242
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,908
has bought a one-way
ticket to New York City.
243
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,245
10:00 p.m., boom.
244
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,206
Wait...
245
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:14,794
He's using his cell phone.
Watch me triangulate his signal.
246
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:17,379
It's amazing, right?
247
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,524
- Yeah, it's an actual triangle.
- I mean not to brag,
248
00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:20,988
- but it's incredible.
- Computers...
249
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,551
Ten years ago, this'd take 50 people.
250
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:25,762
I got him!
251
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:37,775
Looks like Hassim
is on his way to the airport.
252
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,652
I'll alert Tactical Response.
253
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:44,073
I just wish I knew how to hack
into military spy satellites.
254
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,075
- Damn it!
- Yeah, that would be cool.
255
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:49,453
- Of course I can do this!
- Oh!
256
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,139
- Come on!
- You don't think I can do this?
257
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,641
- Of course you can!
- Are you serious?
258
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,542
- You are fucking with us!
- Watch this. Look.
259
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:55,459
You see this?
260
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:59,046
This is Madonna's backyard
of her house in Los Angeles.
261
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,129
- No.
- Yes.
262
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,612
- Shouldn't be looking at that.
- I've never seen her outside.
263
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,844
Why is there a camera
pointed at Madonna's house?
264
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,487
Because they're very afraid
she's going to release another album.
265
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:10,558
That's a sick burn.
I'm sorry. I know. I know.
266
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:13,201
But no one is safe from the Goldfinch,
not even the Queen of Pop!
267
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,480
Maybe we can focus on apprehending Hassim?
268
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,524
Well, every party has a pooper scooper.
269
00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:20,483
You are it.
270
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,151
Let's go!
271
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:32,246
Okay, he's two blocks east of here.
272
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:33,329
Let's go.
273
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:34,665
Hey, hey!
274
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,127
- Take these.
- I don't know how to shoot.
275
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,879
- That's okay.
- What?
276
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:42,297
Bye.
277
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,008
I've got guns!
278
00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:47,469
But... no one closed the door for me.
This is so...
279
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,807
Move! Move, move, move!
280
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:54,894
Get down!
281
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:56,604
End of the line, Hassim!
282
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,818
Shooting is easy! See?
283
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:06,571
Oh, this one's broken!
284
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,284
- Let me see those hands!
- I'm sorry!
285
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:11,827
I had to do it!
286
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,163
Show me your hands! Your hands!
What's in the sweatshirt?
287
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,123
- Yeah, come on!
- It's something bad.
288
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:18,125
I made it. I used it twice.
289
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,812
- And I'm going to use it again.
- It's the virus!
290
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,338
Don't do it! Don't, Hassim!
291
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:25,882
Oh, my God.
292
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,180
What is that? Is that a weapon?
293
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:32,973
Is that...
294
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,851
Is that a... a pocket pussy?
295
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,813
Why are you asking me? But yeah.
296
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:43,567
Looks like a pretty good one too.
Look at the detail on those outer folds.
297
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,196
Anyway, give me something for his arm.
298
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,198
Right, um, give me that bottle.
299
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:50,699
And can I have your scarf?
300
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:54,745
Where's the virus, Hassim?
301
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:57,206
- What virus?
- Don't play dumb. What are you hiding?
302
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:58,415
- Yeah!
- Okay.
303
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,042
Okay, okay.
304
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,670
The truth is: I am a virgin.
305
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:04,421
Wait, what?
306
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,256
It's true, it's true, it...
307
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,176
My girlfriend has had
many lovers before me,
308
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:12,596
and... and this is why I printed
the silicone vagina,
309
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:16,767
so I could practice
before we finally made love, okay?
310
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:18,519
Uh-oh.
311
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:20,688
I know I wasn't supposed
to use the 3D printer
312
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:23,190
at work for my recreational purposes.
313
00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:24,273
So...
314
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,360
- just tell me how much trouble I'm in!
- Yeah, but we have your date book.
315
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:31,407
So why did you write Brazil
on the same day as the São Paulo attack?
316
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,050
Well, of course it's going to say that.
317
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:37,329
I am not going to lose my virginity
with a hairy penis and butthole.
318
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,122
A Brazilian.
319
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,625
I am pretty sure it's called a Brazil.
320
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,504
Okay, but why did you write
"payback," huh?
321
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:46,505
Payback time?
322
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:48,090
Well, it says that every Tuesday.
323
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,383
That is when I get reimbursed
324
00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,176
for bringing the coffee in.
325
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:55,639
Look, look. It says it every Tuesday.
Every Tuesday.
326
00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,892
- What about "10:00 p.m. boom"?
- Right! Yeah?
327
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:02,146
That is when I was finally
going to have sex.
328
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:03,605
Boom!
329
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:04,689
Ugh!
330
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,026
Wait! But we've seen
your credit card statement!
331
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:11,238
And we know that you purchased
a one-way ticket to New York for tonight.
332
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,407
- What?
- Got him!
333
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:14,742
Wait, wait, wait.
334
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,745
This was probably my... my father.
335
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:19,955
We share the same account, and...
336
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:23,042
and he always used to say
he was going to leave us
337
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:25,294
and move to New York, and...
338
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:27,859
But I never thought that he would
actually go through with it.
339
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:29,631
Bastard!
340
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,967
This is going to crush my mother.
341
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:36,013
What a terrible day
this has turned out to be.
342
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,096
Um...
343
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,600
I... I feel that we may have
really messed up on that one.
344
00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:40,683
Yeah, I'm with you.
345
00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:43,896
Hassim!
346
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:47,399
- Um... Yeah, this is kinda funny.
- This is very funny.
347
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:51,570
You know, we actually
thought you were a terrorist.
348
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,739
- Because I'm Muslim?
- No!
349
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,240
- What? No.
- No!
350
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,825
- Oh, my God. No!
- No.
351
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,328
If anything, in spite of that fact. No.
352
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:01,455
Trust us, we have had
precisely that conversation.
353
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,749
Absolutely, and we're also not suggesting
354
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:07,127
that there is a simple one size fits all
solution for these problems.
355
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,338
This is the kind of dialogue
we should all be having.
356
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:10,648
- Thank you.
- And that's exactly
357
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,299
- what we've been saying.
- I agree.
358
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:13,693
It's a give and take.
359
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:15,719
- It's a give and take.
- It's for everybody.
360
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,012
For all of us.
361
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,323
Hi.
362
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,264
Um, thank God.
363
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,891
Listen, so, we shot him.
364
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:23,519
But we also saved his life,
so it kinda evens out.
365
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,623
Hassim, I'd keep that arm elevated
for the rest of the day.
366
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,690
And you've probably been exposed
to a deadly virus,
367
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,001
so you'll wanna check that out.
368
00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:32,585
- Great. Thank you. Have a wonderful day.
- Great job, everybody.
369
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:40,202
- Whoops!
- We're terrible at this.
370
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:44,289
You know,
371
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:48,544
there's something about this whole
situation that just doesn't make sense.
372
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:51,004
Like, according to reports
from the outbreak sites,
373
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:55,759
the virus appeared in Berlin
only five hours after Brazil. I'm...
374
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,262
- Hey, you got cable?
- Oh, yeah.
375
00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:01,265
Not even Ryan Reynolds
could make this van wilder.
376
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:04,601
How could the virus make it
from here to Brazil that quickly?
377
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:06,955
The fastest flight is 12 hours.
378
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,147
Wait a second...
379
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:09,356
Time zones!
380
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:11,775
Berlin is exactly
five hours ahead of Brazil!
381
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:12,860
- Lola...
- No,
382
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:16,780
the reason that we can't trace the path
of the virus is because there is no path.
383
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:20,450
Somehow it appeared
in both cities simultaneously.
384
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,577
No, it didn't.
385
00:19:23,370 --> 00:19:25,497
It appeared in five cities simultaneously.
386
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:29,251
The mysterious virus is now
being reported in São Paulo,
387
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,337
Berlin, Vancouver,
Tel Aviv, and Johannesburg.
388
00:19:32,754 --> 00:19:34,381
Authorities fear this outbreak
389
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:37,551
may be a part of a highly coordinated
bioterror attack,
390
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,678
with the potential to kill thousands.
391
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,597
Or even tens of hundreds.
392
00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:45,976
And next up, another beef
from humorist Jim Davidson!
393
00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:49,605
I have a new relationship in my life,
and it's with the snooze button...
394
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,776
Oh, my God,
it's a worldwide terrorism attack.
395
00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:58,447
Wait, I know who might be able to help us.
396
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:01,575
Goldfinch, can you get us
to the airport quickly?
397
00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:04,453
I feel like, if anything, I have
over-explained how great this van is.
398
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,539
No more planes.
People on planes try to kill us.
399
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,583
Owen, all of those people are dead.30220
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