All language subtitles for Last Man Standing 8x06 - Mysterious Ways (English)

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -

You know, I got to be
honest with you, Reverend.

As much as I enjoy your sermons,

your guest preacher
today was pretty amazing.

Yeah, and Kyle's not even a minister.

Makes me wonder if
I overpaid for seminary.

Personally, I didn't care for it.

- Oh, stop.
- Seriously.

When Twinkle Toes here gives a sermon,

I get a great nap.

Kyle... kept me awake the entire time.

Well, I'll be in the pulpit next week,

so bring your pillow.

Listen, I've got that
HR meeting at 12:00 noon.

Somebody tell Billy Graham-cracker
we've got to go!

Let's get the hell out of here.

I mean, let's stay the heck in here.

Uh, we-we can't leave.
I mean, look at him.

They love him. He's like Barry Manilow

after a show in Vegas.

They're all treating me like the
"minister's wife". It's creepy.

Mandy, I get it.

You ever notice how quick
my wife bolts out of here?

Yeah, I bolt out of here so fast
I didn't know you were married.

Yeah.

Could you go see if he will get going,

- please?
- Yes, yes.

Do you really have a conference call?

Or are you just trying
to avoid church coffee?

How is it weak and bitter?

Doesn't make any sense.

All the regional HR reps are meeting

to try to pitch a new manual.

Kyle's got to be there for this.

You know, I think it's kind
of amazing how far Kyle's come

- at Outdoor Man.
- Yeah.

- I'm really proud of him.
- Well, you should

be proud of me, I'm the one
that, you know, made him.

Kyle's sermon was about humility.

Are you sure you were awake for that?

I am proud of the kid, too.

As a matter of fact, I'm
working on convincing Ed

to have him be the HR supervisor...

... for the whole region.

Wow. Oh, wow.

That would be pretty incredible.

- No kidding.
- Yeah.

Is there anything this kid can't do?

Yeah. Yeah.

Can't get away from
a bunch of old women.

Tell him to move his car, Baxter.

Why even have an Employee
of the Month parking spot

if the Employee of the Month...
me... doesn't get to park in it?

I named you Employee of the Month.

You know, isn't the prestige enough?

Do you need all the trappings?

There are no trappings.

There's just a-a parking spot

ten feet closer to the door.

Which you've stolen for a week.

You've gone mad.

You're-You're unstable.

M-Mike, what-what are
you gonna do about this?

I've already done something about it.

You guys have been on speakerphone.

- What?
- With who?

Kyle Anderson.

Human Resources.

You guys are in trouble.

Seriously? Again with the parking spot?

Just trying to right a wrong, Kyle.

No, no, I'll tell you what's wrong.

The two of you, coming in here

and wasting Mr. B's valuable
time with this, this...

May I cuss?

Please.

... crapola!

Oh!

You guys are in serious trouble.

Look, on Sunday my fellow HR reps and I,

we talked about how to
handle situations like this.

It was when we were
discussing the chapter,

"Dealing With Children".

Watch it, son. I don't like your tone.

I don't like my tone, either.

So here's what we're gonna do, okay?

We're gonna take a five
minute cooling-off period,

and then the three of us
are gonna reconvene in my office

where we can deal with this like adults.

Can we try that?

I'm good with it.

Thank you.

Mr. Alzate?

Fine.

Did you hear the way
that kid spoke to me?

I was sitting right here.

And what do you propose
we do about that?

I propose we make Kyle
regional HR supervisor.

Exactly.

Ah... Take that! Ah... Take that!

I'm out of bullets. I'm out of bullets!

I told you to get more at the armory.

Ah! They're biting me!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

What's-what's going on?

Uh, she's trying to save
the world from zombies.

But I'm only one little girl.

What is this, a video game?

- Virtual reality.
- Oh.

We got it for Boyd and
he's gotten really good

at killing zombies and
blowing up Star Destroyers,

and really bad at finishing
his homework, so...

W-Why is it here? And-and
why don't you just tell him

he can play after he does his homework?

Well, it's not just him.
Ryan plays all the time, too.

And, frankly, I've lost a day or two.

You want a turn, Vanessa?
You get to blow stuff up.

- No, I don't want a turn.
- Wh...

- You know, when I was a kid...
- Here we go.

No, wait a minute. Now, wait.

We would get on our bikes to explore.

- We'd go to the lake, we'd climb trees.
- Hmm.

We'd use our imaginations
to entertain ourselves.

But, Vanessa, you're a scientist.

Isn't it a little close-minded

to criticize something
you've never tried?

Come on, Mom, pretend you're fun.

Oh, give it to me.
Give it to me. All right.

- Uh... Okay.
- That...

- Like this?
- I want you right... uhp.

- No, no. There we go.
- Whoa. Oh. Okay.

Oh, oh, it's a desert.
Okay. Uh... oh, uh...

Uh, American Southwest, clearly.

Um... Oh, cumulous clouds.

Orange-banded sandstone and quartz?

Oh, come on, come on, make up your mind.

What are you, Arizona or New Mexico?

Oh, what is this? Oh, zombies.
Oh, come... This is original.

- Don't just stand there. Start killing!
- This is so stupid.

No. No. No, thank you.

I don't have time for this nonsense.

Nothing in that computer
compares to the thrill

and adventure I already
get from real life.

Where are you going?

Big Kart. We need toilet paper.

All right, uh, yeah, you
can grab the salad dressing.

Great. Will do.

Oh, I see you got one of
those virtual reality sets.

Devil's workshop, Vanessa.

Oh, no. No, no, that's not mine.

I'm with you. I hate those things.

Oh, no, I meant my favorite VR
game is The Devil's Workshop.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

Oh. Look, I'm sorry I'm late.

I got stuck at work.

How exactly does the
boss get stuck at work?

Well, maybe the boss remembered

he was having dinner with his pastor.

- Anything I can do? Table.
- Yeah, table.

Uh... Good news.

Ed signed off on giving
Kyle that new job.

Yes! Oh, that's amazing. Great.

What job?

Regional director, Human Resources.

Wow. You know, if Jesus
had had one of these,

I don't think Judas
would've left the camp.

Actually, I think there's
a better job for him.

I'm gonna tell him he
should enter the ministry.

- You mean become a pastor? Wow.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

So, I-I chisel a rock
into a beautiful statue

and the church is going
to steal that from me?

It's not stealing, Mike.

- It's-It's God's calling.
- Says who?

I've been praying on
this and God spoke to me.

Did he, now? I've been praying, too.

God spoke to me, just the other night.

"Don't listen to him. I'm
just messing with him".

Listen, I firmly believe this
is part of the Lord's plan,

and I don't think even
the great Mike Baxter

wants to compete with God.

Oh, I don't think God's
above a little competition.

Look, we both want
the same thing, right?

I say, let the best dude win.

Honey? Did you just call out God?

We could also make it a
little more interesting.

Put a little wager on it.

Ugh, it just got worse, I...

Okay, I hardly think
it's appropriate to bet

on the Almighty's divine plan.

Yeah? How about a
30-year-old bottle of scotch?

Oh, you're on.

Hey. You wanted to see me, sir?

Yeah, come on in, Kyle.
You know, I was thinking,

it's been a while since

you and I had dinner,
just the two of us.

Well, actually, you and I
have never had dinner together.

So it's been a long while.

We can change that tonight.

Oh, I'd-I'd love to, but I'm-I'm
meeting with Reverend Paul.

He wants to talk to me about something.

I bet he does.

Yeah. I wonder what's on his mind.

Well, you're gonna think
this sounds crazy, but I think

he wants me to consider
going into the ministry.

Is that even something you'd consider?

- I don't know, you know,
- Yeah.

I'd have to leave Outdoor Man, right?

Not much for a minister
to do in a gun store.

Outdoor Man's the only place

I feel like I've ever really belonged.

And I'm finally starting to
feel really confident in my job.

Plus, you'd have to think about Mandy.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. And it's hard

to imagine Mandy as a minister's wife.

Unless you're one of those
private jet, mansion ministers.

No.

Then it would be hard to imagine.

But the big thing is...

I don't know if I'd be any good at it.

You were great when
you preached on Sunday.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, but that
part doesn't worry me.

There's a lot of other stuff
that a minister has to do.

You know, really important stuff.

And I'm not sure I'd
be good at that part.

I'm glad you confided in me.

I think I can help.

Sit down.

You remember when you first
started working at Outdoor Man?

And you did everything perfectly

and you didn't make any mistakes.

Uh... actually, no.

I remember I made a lot of mistakes.

Right. Right.

Like the time you took all the skis

from the Boise store and
you sent them to Tucson.

- Ugh. "Desert-gate".
- Yeah.

It was a big mistake,
you know. Expensive.

Legendary in the retail business.

That story goes over and...
but it was just a mistake.

Yeah. See, I'm worried
something like that might happen

if I became a minister.

Well, you can rest easy.

Because it will.

Listen. But if you happen
to send two poor souls to...

"the wrong store",

that's just part of the
cost of doing business.

- Never thought about it that way.
- Nah, nah, nah.

That's why it's always good
to have a trusted advisor.

Yeah. All right.

- Thanks. This helped.
- Yeah, great.

- All right, I should go.
- Okay. Yes.

When you talk to the reverend, tell him

our old friend Johnny said hi.

Johnny Walker.

- Ah.
- Jen.

Jen? Jen?

- I'm late for study group? Oh.
- Yeah.

It's because that thing
is a total time suck.

Oh. Bye!

Yeah. Enjoy real life.

Where'd you go,

you flesh-eating scum?

Oh, there you are. There you are.

All right, come on. You come
on. Come a little closer.

Ha, ha!

Grenade!

Grenade! Grenade!

And flamethrower!

Get some! Get some! Get some!

Hee-ya! Hee-ya!

Ha, ha!

Hello?

What happened? Everything
went black. What?

Oh, what is this? Some
kind of zombie trick?

What?

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, this is not good.

Oh. Uh... just pick this up right here,

and, uh, just there like that.

Maybe it just needs to sit a minute.

Okay.

It's total time suck!

So, how'd the parking thing go

with, uh, Kyle Anderson,
Human Resources?

Oh. Yeah.

We got it all worked out.

Yeah, we had to. Kyle
said we were on his list.

Yeah. I don't want to be on Kyle's list.

I think Kyle's gonna make
a great HR supervisor.

- Let's raise a glass to Kyle.
- To Kyle.

- To Kyle.
- Yeah.

You low-down, sneaky,

backhanded, rattlesnake bastard.

Well, ministers have
changed since I was a kid.

God is calling Kyle to service,

and you undermined his confidence.

You've torn him from God's embrace.

- Whoa, whoa.
- I don't know all the details,

but... not cool.

Well, God took his shot, I took mine.

Turns out, Kyle sees things my way.

And God is surprisingly
generous in defeat.

What bible are you reading?

Finished with work
and ready for a drink.

What am I talking about? I don't drink.

Well, off to the shelter to wash feet.

Listen, Kyle gave me
a lot of reasons why

he didn't want to go into the ministry.

He likes his job here, he's
finally feeling confident,

and he's certain

that Mandy does not want
to be a minister's wife.

Whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

Well, apparently, Kyle
was being embraced by God

until your dad broke them up.

Be honest with me.

Is that the life you see for yourself?

Bad coffee? Flat shoes?

No, I don't want
to be a minister's wife.

Super sorry.

But Dad, I-I know that
Kyle wants to be a minister,

and I will do everything he
needs me to do to support that.

I wish your dad felt that way.

I'm just telling you how the kid feels.

And I'd sure hate to lose Kyle,

but he'd make a hell of a minister.

I might even start going back to church.

Nah.

Well, he got Ed to move his damn car,

so we already know the
kid can work miracles.

You know, just about
everything Kyle does,

he does because he wants
you to be proud of him.

Your support is the
only confidence he needs.

He wants this, Mike.

He's just scared.

You need to undo what you did.

So I whupped God...

and now I got to take on me?

Well... finally a fair fight.

I don't know what
happened. It's all black.

Did you drop it?

No. I love this thing.

I'd never hurt it.

Hello, ladies.

- Hi.
- What's, uh... what's going on?

Uh, well, the game is broken.

Do you have any idea how that happened?

Me? How... How would I know?

Well, it kind of looks like

someone knocked it off the table.

Oh, shoot.

Yeah, uh, you know what?
Yeah, um, it was me.

I-I was... I was, uh, over
here vacuuming and, um,

I-I had my back to the machine,

you know, which... which was behind me,

- and, uh...
- Mm.

You know, the cord, 'cause cords...

- such a nuisance.
- Right.

Just... well, just knocked
the-the... the thing over.

- Really, Mom?
- Yup.

Yeah. Are you, uh... are you
sure you weren't playing it?

No. No way. No. I live in
the real world, remember?

Oh, shoot. Yeah, you
know what? You know what?

Uh, yeah, I did. I-I put the-the
headset on just for a second,

uh, because I wanted to see

if, uh, the technology would
be useful for other sciences,

like, you know, like
mathematics or astronomy.

Um, higher pursuits

than torching the undead
with a flamethrower.

You can't get a flamethrower

until level seven.

Ryan hasn't even gotten to level seven.

I got to level ten!

Listen, no. No, no, no, listen, listen.

There's an underground military base

that has every kind of
weapon you can imagine.

- Level ten?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that takes time.

Oh, so much time!

But please, just get the
thing out of my house.

I missed a book club, I forgot to eat.

I-I am... I'm just... I'm
so glad that it's broken.

Oh, oh. Wait.

It, uh... it's not.

Looks like a cord was
just loose on the monitor.

You know, I heard there's a Humvee

with a rocket launcher on level 11.

And-and, you know what? I found
a set of keys on level nine.

I mean, I knew they
had to be for something.

So, what do you say?

One hour, and then I
have to make dinner.

Hey, Kyle, could you
step in here a minute?

I want to ask you something. Thanks.

Okay, I don't-I don't really
know how I'm gonna do this,

so you... feel free to
chime in with any ideas.

It's pretty well known
you're a big buttinsky.

Hey, you called me, sir?

Yeah, and you... and you came.

Um... you can go.

Kyle?

Yes? Is there something
you need me to do?

Yes, there is, and, um...

You can go.

- Kyle?
- I am right here.

Why do you keep coming in?

'Cause you keep calling me.

If this is one of your
teaching moments, sir,

can we get to the teaching part?

'Cause I'm getting a
little... throw-uppie.

I called you 'cause I
need you to do something.

And you came before you
knew you could do it.

Why is that?

'Cause if you didn't
think I could do it,

- you wouldn't have called me.
- Yeah.

I think we've arrived
at our teaching moment.

Sit down.

Reverend Paul thinks you're
being called to the ministry.

Do you know what that means?

Definitely.

No. Maybe.

I don't know. Do you?

Ah, boy.

It means nothing.

Oh. That's comforting.

Kyle. I am God.

He's kidding.

You're kidding, right?

For the teaching moment,
I'm playing the role of God.

And to be quite honest,

it feels so right.

Okay.

If I or God calls you,

what does that mean?

That you already think I can do it.

Right.

Am I ever wrong?

Are you asking as you or as God?

Tomato, tomahto. What's the difference?

God's never wrong.

Well, then what you
got to think about is

forgetting what Reverend
Paul says and what I said.

Do you think God is calling you?

Yes.

Then really all you
got to think about is,

are you gonna answer that call?

I don't know. Um...

What if I mess up, and I
send a bunch of skis to Hell?

It's not your job to be infallible.

That's for God. And for me.

Yes, sir.

Listen, um, you're valuable to me, Kyle.

You always come when I call, but I...

I think there's a bigger
call coming through right now.

Okay.

Kyle?

I am proud of you.

I'm really gonna miss it here.

What? You...

There's many years of study
before you become a minister.

You're gonna be here for quite a while.

Oh, thank God.

You're welcome.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

When I was a young guy
trying to find my way,

I heard the call of the wild.

I remember it well...
walking in the woods

and coming eyeball to
eyeball with a 12-point buck.

It was like he was
looking right into my soul.

I didn't realize it was my life calling

until the next day
when I was eating him.

With some oven-browned
potatoes and candied carrots.

Yum, yum, yum.

If you're someone who has a
harder time finding his path,

I recommend the compass. Huh?

Inside, a little magnetic pin spins

according to the
Earth's magnetism, right?

Right now it's pointed at...
look at that... pointed at me,

'cause I'm quite magnetic.

I mean... Is it the eyes?

The intellect, the effortless charisma?

Who am I kidding?

I'm the whole package.

But for mere mortals,

the compass is a great tool
to help you find your way.

The only thing the compass requires

is a belief in true north.

If you trust in that,
there's a whole world

of exciting adventures ahead of you.

Hiking, fishing, or you might
get eaten by a grizzly bear.

Now if being mauled

and slowly eaten alive is
not one of your life goals,

I also recommend Outdoor
Man bear repellent.

Which should be applied

the way Democrats raise
taxes... liberally.

I choke on the word.

Take care out there.

Happy trails. Baxter out.