All language subtitles for Jumpin Jack Flash 1986 720p BluRay x264-PSYCHD.Hi

Man on radio:
- Issued a series of clarifications

of several of the president's statements

at his nationally televised
news conference last night.

In addition to responding
to a question about abortion

with a three-minute answer
about taxes

and confusing his attorney general
with his chief of staff,

the president apparently
forgot that Hawaii is a state,

referring to it as one of our
strongest allies in the Pacific.

A White House spokesman
explained that the president

had been thrown off by the intensity
of the previous question.

And finally, FBI agents have arrested
Air Force Sgt. Michael Prescott

in connection with a plot to sell weapon secrets

to an unnamed foreign government.

Prescott was arrested last night
in a Staten Island supermarket.

Turning to weather, the city remains
in the grip of a cold spell.

Temperature in Central Park
dropped to 36 degrees overnight.

The current midtown temperature
at 6:59 is a brisk 39 degrees.

Next news and weather again at 8:00.

Now back to the hits on New York's
more music station.

(squeaks)

♪ It feels so cold, the world is on hold ♪

♪ Everybody's holding me back ♪

♪ Too scared to make a connection ♪

♪ Things that we've both done bad... ♪

How about some heat?

I'm not an Eskimo.

♪ Made me lose my self-control ♪

♪ I want the pain and the pleasure ♪

♪ Anything to shake my soul ♪

♪ I can't be satisfied ♪

♪ Doing it the way it's done ♪

♪ I've got this feeling inside ♪

♪ I've got to feel some real feelings ♪

♪ Give me some chemistry ♪

♪ Get me a shot of something hot ♪

♪ Somebody set me free ♪

♪ Honey, please set me free... ♪

Hey, Mr. Finzi, how you doing, man?
Looking good! Looking good.

- Gotcha!
- Gotcha. All right.

- Miss Terry, good morning.
- Good morning.

- How you doing? I want a tulip.
- Tulip.

♪ I'm ready for all kind of emotions ♪

♪ Everything is not too much ♪

♪ I'll buy the risk and the romance ♪

♪ I just want to feel the rush ♪

♪ I can't be satisfied ♪

♪ Doing it the way it's done ♪

♪ I've got this feeling inside ♪

♪ I've got to feel some real feelings ♪

♪ Give me some chemistry ♪

♪ Get me a shot of something hot ♪

♪ Somebody set me free ♪

♪ I want to feel the fires burning ♪

♪ Want a little danger, please ♪

♪ Get me a shot of something hot ♪

♪ Somebody set me free ♪

♪ Honey, please set me free ♪

♪ Free, free, set me free... ♪

Guard:
Morning.

Good morning.

Morning, Terry.

Larry, Larry, Larry!

You get any closer,
honey, you're gonna be a father.

- (laughs)
- You dog.

Dog's job.

Welcome to the boredom capital of the world.

- Morning, Mr. Page.
- Good morning, Fred.

Good morning, Mr. Page.
Looking good. Nice suit.

I don't get it.

God!
(hums)

40 goddamn people in the office,
the man's gotta pick on me.

- Can't even say good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- So did you sleep well last night?

Yeah, aside from freezing my ass off, yeah.

- I didn't.
- Really? Again?

- Okay, give.
- A very nice man.

His name was Richard...
something Italian.

Anyway, he used to be a doctor.

He says he still would be
if he had smarter lawyers.

Richard-something-italian?

Monday it was
Nick-something-Greek.

I liked him very much, but you
have to set high goals for yourself.

Let's face it, he was no ex-doctor.

That's true.
Ex-doctors do not grow on trees.

- Hi, Karen.
- Oh, thanks for fixing my monitor.

No problem.

You can make fun of me all you like,
but at least I am out there.

I'm in the water.
I'm making an effort.

You're not gonna meet anybody
by sitting home reading a book.

So I just don't know why you won't
come to Cole's with me.

- Dougie. Hey!
- Terry. Hey!

Hey, ready to saddle up, ride the wild software?

(laughs)

Hey, Cynthia. You know that guy
you were with at Cole's last night?

Yeah.

I saw him on "60 Minutes" doing this:

"No pictures, no comments."

Oh, that's so amusing.

Why do you do this to her?
You know it drives her up the wall.

Because he knows it drives me up the wall.

I do it because you fall for it every time.

And look, he's been shopping at Walgreens again.

He's got his Brut collection.

Hey, at least I'm always ready for the ladies.

Hey, man, try some soap.

- I did. It got lonely.
- (bell rings)

Sick.
You're sick. Okay.

Confirm transfer to First National.

(speaks French)

Bonjour, Jean-Claude.

Bonjour, Terry.

Look at this. He says,
"Bonjour, Terry. What's the skinny?"

Am I teaching him, or am I teaching him?

- "What's the skinny?"
- What's the skinny, yeah.

You know, what's the skinny?
What's the buzz?

Oh, yeah, I knew what it was.

How did everything work out with Paulette?

"Made love all weekend"?
God, I gotta meet this guy.

You shouldn't chitchat.
You're gonna get in trouble.

Terry!

False alarm.

I knew it. This is code for,
"Terry, come adjust my chair."

Now, you know you're gonna have this baby.

It's gonna have a head like the monitor.

It's gonna say "Sperry"
across the top of it, and you know...

There she is, Miss Russian Aerobics!

Oh, not again.
Oh, man.

- This is the third time this week.
- What?

Russian television piped into Terry's monitor.

Every time I turn around,
this chick is on my monitor.

Do it for me, baby.

Cynthia: I hate to see a woman
looking like that.

What a woman.

- Larry, your girlfriend's here.
- Don't tell him. He'll defect.

- Doug: Is that a woman?
- Woman: I wish I could do that.

- I'm not gonna watch.
- Look at that nick on her leg!

Don't shave with a sickle, baby.

Cut it out.
Turn my knobs, please.

She'd crush bowling balls between those thighs.

I'm getting seriously aroused here.

The shielding on the I/O port is loose.

How's that?

I don't know how you know how to do that anyway.

It's like a gift.
It's like an electrical gift.

I know where all our wheat went.

Aw!

You should have left it on.

It's almost time for
"Leave It to Brezhnev."

No, it's not.
It's time for "Gilligan's Gulag."

Terry.

- Mr. Page would like to see you.
- Uh-oh.

Well, I'm standing right here.
It's not like he could miss me.

Page: Miss Doolittle,
in my office right now.

- Cynthia: She fixed it.
- What's she in trouble for?

Miss Doolittle, I can accept
certain of your eccentricities

simply because you're one of my
most productive employees.

Thank you, Mr. Page.
Thank you very much.

However, these are your printouts for last week.

How would you define
your job here, Miss Doolittle?

To transfer funds
and accept the transfer of funds

between international banking establishments

using the computer so that the transferred funds

are more easily called upon.

Exactly. And how were you taught
to end a transmission?

I enter the phrase "end trans."

And yet look here.

Look how you ended your transmission

to Mr. Dennis Bramlett

of Barclays Bank of London last week.

"Dennis, will trade you my Springsteen bootleg

for your Moot the Hoople."

It's Mott the Hoople.
He's a Springsteen fan.

Look, I entered "end trans."

And then there's Mr. Loto
of the Hansu Tokyo Bank.

I believe this is a recipe
for a Yankee pot roast.

Well, a man gets tired of raw fish all the time.

And I'm not even going to begin to discuss

your advice to Jean-Claude,
Miss Doolittle.

Perhaps I should call you Dr. Ruth!

Mr. Page,
I was just trying to be friendly.

Computers are not friendly, Miss Doolittle.

I'm not a computer, Mr. Page.

From 9:00 to 6:00,
five days a week, you are.

You'll represent this bank
in a professional manner,

or you will not represent this bank at all!

End trans?

End trans.

Hi, Fritz.
How is the missus?

- Delete, delete...
- (bell rings)

Doug: 6:00!

...delete, delete, delete, delete.
- Karen!

Enjoy your party, dreamboat.

Fred: Don't forget to call us
when the baby comes.

Jackie, good luck with your baby.

Don't forget, Fred and I chipped
in most for your present.

Terry:
End trans.

Well, I won't miss you.

Fred:
Karen, we'll see you later at Cole's.

Could you tell my replacement
I ordered another chair?

And it should be in by the end of the month.

Sure.

- Thanks for everything, Terry.
- Oh, come on, don't cry.

Come on.

Hey, now, wipe your eyes, huh?
Makeup's running.

People gonna think somebody
hit you in the eye, girl. There you go.

Where's the party, baby?
I'm waddling over.

Right behind you.

You waddle on in.
I'll be waddling on in myself.

(computer beeps)

- Cynthia: Speaking of bows...
- Karen: It's beautiful.

She'll know this is a stroller.

Come here, come here.
Wait, wait, wait. Look, look.

Heidi, get your present.

What is that?
One of your friends?

No, no. They all know
I go down by 6:00.

I bet it's Mr. Page.

- No.
- He's testing you, yeah.

He sent that message from upstairs.

Now he's lurking behind his monitor screen

just waiting for you to give him a cute answer.

Come on, let's go.

"Jumping Jack Flash"?
That does not sound like Mr. Page.

He's more your Don Ho type, don't you think?

Terry, you do not need any more trouble.

- It defeats your own purpose.
- Karen: Cynthia.

I'll be there in a second.

Then we're gonna go to Cole's after, right?

- Yes. I promise.
- All right. Now, hurry!

It's a gas, gas, gas.

"Are you alone?"

Well...

yeah.

"Need to talk."
Oh, man, come on.

Personal chitchat is prohibited

on the international bank transponder.

What do you mean, you're not on it?

Well, how the hell are you transmitting?

"Clamshell terminal.

Can't say anymore.
This channel unsecured."

Whoa.

Scramble for privacy.
Give me your code key.

"Jumping Jack Flash."
No, no, no, no!

Your code key, not your handle.

"Sing with me and find the key.

Tomorrow, 7:00 P.M.
I need you."

"Yankee pot...
Yankee pot roast was delicious."

You son of a bitch! You've been
monitoring my transmissions.

Hey, Flash.

Yo!

Huh.

Shit!

Terry, will you hurry up?
She's unwrapping the stroller!

Man on TV: You know, I learned
something tonight.

I learned how much I love you.

Woman: You told me that
a year ago, and you let me go.

You let me marry him.
You never even phoned.

- If you'd asked me to forgive you...
- I was stupid.

I didn't know then that love was anything more

than a good scene, than a charming scene.

I didn't know it was something

that could tear at your heart
and burn through the greasepaint.

My darling, you're coming along
with me tomorrow. Brazil.

We'll stay there until he gives you a divorce.

And then...

then we'll get married.

Married?

- You?
- Yes, me.

I need you, and I've got to pay for you.

(sighs)

(siren blaring in distance)

No.

Shoot.

All right, Jack.

You win.

"Sing with me
and find the key."

Maybe it's in the lyrics of the song.

Here's the Marvin Gaye tape.

This is it.

The Rolling Stones.

(music playing)

♪ Watch it ♪

♪ I was born... ♪

Born in a column by Herb Caen...

No, not "in a column by Herb Caen."

(tape rewinding)

♪ I was born in a crossfire hurricane... ♪

Crossfire hurricane!

♪ And I howled at my ma ♪
♪ in the driving rain... ♪

Driving rain!

♪ But it's all right now... ♪

Damn, Mick, this is the only thing
anybody can sing.

♪ But it's all right ♪

♪ I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash, ♪
♪ it's a gas, gas, gas... ♪

Jagger, step.
On the replay.

♪ I was raised by a toothless bearded hag... ♪

I was raised by two lesbians.
No, wait.

Two lesbians?
Come on, Mick.

Fuck a duck!

♪ I was crowned... ♪

Terry:
I was crowned

with a spike through my head?

(tape rewinding)

This has got
some weird-ass lyrics!

♪ I was drowned... ♪

I was drowned in a four, five city hag.

Mick, Mick, Mick, speak English!

(music continues)

(slams case)

- Miss Doolittle.
- Oh, Mr. Page.

What are you doing?
Communicating with pals again?

Recipes? More advice
to the sexually inadequate?

Oh, no, no, no.

You know, we've been
so backlogged since Jackie left,

I thought I'd catch up on her British deposits.

Really?

- Well, color me so surprised.
- Oh, you're so witty.

- May I see some transactions...
- Look, Mr. Page!

- I've got to have that promotion.
- Miss Doolittle.

I've gotta have it.
Mr. Page, oh, please.

Miss Doolittle, grab ahold of yourself, not me.

- Mr. Page.
- Yes?

- Can I go home now?
- Yes, go home.

By all means, go home.

- Please, Mrs. Milsap is watching.
- Please!

All right, all right.
You'll get that promotion

provided you keep working this way.

I'm proud of this effort you're putting in.

- Lisa, I'll walk with you.
- Walk with Larry.

You go home, Mr. Page.

I don't want you to see me like this no more.

Go, Mr. Page.
Go home to the wife and kiddies.

Good night.

Whew.

Right on time.

Okay, let's break this mother.

Crossfire.

See, I didn't think it was crossfire.
I know it's hurricane.

Rain? No.

Gas?

Toothless?

Back? Bearded?

Howled?

Okay, how about Copyright 1968

ABKCO Music Inc?

Oh, I give this up
because now you pissed me off.

Okay, think. I'm a Stone fan,
he's a Stone fan.

So it has to be something that says Stones.

Drugs.

Okay. Let's talk.

What about the women?
Bianca.

What about Jerry Hall?

What's her name?
What's her name?

Marianne Faithfull.

What else? What else? Jagger?
Not his ass.

His lips.

Okay.

Tongue.

Goddamn!

Altamont.

Shit!

I don't have time to waste like this.

It's not like I got nothing else
to do, you know?

(chuckles)

I got you now.

I got you, man.

I did not flunk out of chorus for nothing.

B-flat.

You know I'm right.

(laughs)

Yes! Kicking ass!

Get it, get it, get it!
Terry! Terry!

(screams)

Yes!
Boom!

(humming)

B-motherfucking-flat!

This is like acid on Sunday.

Come on, now.

Knew I could do it, huh?
You son of a bitch.

Did I pass the test?

"You're smart. That'll help."

Who are you?

"Must be brief.

Destroy all copies of transmission.

Do not reveal code key to any..."

Who am I gonna tell the code key to?

Why all the mystery?
"Am in serious trouble."

What kind of trouble?

And is it gonna visit my house?

"Could you deliver message
to the British Consulate?"

Think they're gonna let me in the door, man?

"Need your help.

Ask for Department C.

Would be grateful if you said yes."

What's the message?

"Dog's barking.
Can't fly without umbrella."

Are you shitting me?
Come on.

I'm not saying that.

I can't go to some damn consulate

and talk about dogs.
Are you kid...?

Man: Ah, there you are.
I'm so sorry I'm late.

Man #2: What are you doing
with all these mannequins?

There's, like, a million
mannequins in the basement.

We have a lot of balls.

So, what's going on here?

Oh, we're getting ready

for the Queen's Anniversary Ball next Monday.

Miss Doolittle? Good morning.
I'm Jeremy Talbot.

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Secretary: The British Consulate.
May I help you?

Come here.

Dog's barking.
Can't fly without umbrella.

Excuse me?

- Dog's bark...
- Yes, I heard you.

- But I don't quite follow.
- Aren't you from Department C?

No, I'm not.

You need to get somebody
down here from Department C.

They'd understand.

I'm afraid we don't have
a Department C, Miss Doolittle.

But you do!
I asked the receptionist.

I came in and I told her I had
a message for Department C.

She got on the phone, and then you showed up.

Who was the message from?

Jumping Jack Flash.

What?

Jumping Jack Flash.

- Jumping Jack Flash?
- Shh!

You know him, right?

"It's a gas, gas, gas." Rolling Stones.
I am English, you know.

Jeremy? Are we still on
for squash this afternoon?

- Absolutely, 5:00.
- Super.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.

I feel awfully dumb, Mr. Talbot.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Obviously someone thought this was funny.

Of course. Gillian.

Hmm.

(camera clicks)

Pressing that key cancels the input buffer line,

but leaves the template intact.

- Fred, you're so smart.
- Yes.

Smell me.

What?
What, what, what, what?

- Go ahead. I said smell me.
- Oh, God, do I have to?

I met this guy,

and he distributes all these
seconds and irregulars.

Cynthia, there's no such thing
as perfume irregulars.

Very humorous.

My point is that this guy has a friend, and...

Afternoon, ladies.

My point is this guy has a friend

and they want to take us both
out to dinner tonight.

Tonight? Tonight, I can't.

- I'm already involved with someone.
- What do you mean?

- With who? Who is he?
- Oh, he's just a guy.

I mean, I don't know that much about him.

I know that he likes the Stones.

And he's something of a practical joker.

That's so great!

What am I gonna do?

It's a package deal.

Folks, attention, please.
I would like you to join me

in welcoming a brand-new
member of our family:

- Mr. Martin Phillips.
- Marty.

- Who is replacing...
- Hi, Marty.

Replacing Miss Jackie Valentine
at terminal number 23.

Mr. Phillips comes to us from
our Silver Springs office.

Welcome to the main branch,
Mr. Phillips.

Thank you, Mr. Page.

Seems like a pretty loose guy.

Oh, yeah, he's a born vice principal.

That's my card.
Feel free to call me anytime.

Thanks.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Marty Phillips. That's my card.
Feel free to call me anytime.

- Terry Doolittle, and I will.
- Good.

- Don't sit...
- Oh!

- Is he hurt?
- He fell. Are you all right?

What is this, some kind of initiation?

Oh, I'm sorry about that.
I was supposed to tell you

this was the chair that
the pregnant girl sat in.

It's adjusted for her.

Well, I guess I should thank her for the job.

I think so. Have a seat.
I'll adjust the chair for you.

Just don't lean back.
It's very flaky.

- Hi, I'm Cynthia.
- Cynthia, I'm Marty.

That's my card. Anything you need,
just pick up the phone.

Really?
I just might do that.

I'd like to say that it's a pleasure
to welcome you to our little family.

Oh, I see you already have a little family.

Well, shit.

Welcome anyway.

Cute girls.

Yeah, it's too bad they're boys.

- There she is again!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Wait for me.
- Shit.

Ah, she just doesn't do it for me anymore.

What's the matter, Dougie?
Do strong women threaten you?

No, they just beat me up.

- Come on, Dougie.
- What is that?

Soviet TV uses the same satellite
as this capitalist pig bank.

- Dougie. Dougie.
- Lenin would have a stroke.

- Adjust my knobs.
- No!

Wait a minute.
I wouldn't adjust that.

That's very delicate technology.

That should only be adjusted
by skilled technicians.

Excuse me?

Guard: What's going on?
Nothing's going on.

Oh, yeah, this one girl Terry,
she's working late.

I don't know. I guess
she wants a raise or something.

(laughs)

No. She talks to herself
all the time.

There you are.
Jesus, thank God.

All right.

Jack?

Okay, pal, is this a big joke?

"What did consulate say?"
What did it say?

Consulate said,
"No Department C."

"Whom did you talk to?"
Oh, I just love your accent.

Jeremy Talbot.
Says he didn't know you.

But I have a feeling that he did.

"Situation confusing."
No shit!

What exactly is the situation?

"Trapped in Eastern Europe.
Need exit."

What about your passport?

Who are you, Jack?

"British Intellig..."
(gasps)

Why didn't you contact the consulate yourself?

"Did. Won't acknowledge me."
Why?

"Excellent question."

What else can I do?

"Need other con..."
Are you crazy?

You need other contacts?
I work in a bank.

Who?

"First go to my apartment in New York
and get something for me."

God. What do you need,
a trench coat?

A camera? Microfilm!

Oh, what?

"A frying pan."

I'd have probably thought about that next.

Hey! You Miss Doolittle?

Yeah, don't be sneaking up
on people like that, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's been a long day.
I'm your Sperry repairman.

I'm here to check out your terminal.

- Oh.
- Didn't mean to scare you.

Ooh.

- You're here a little late.
- I'm running a little behind.

I need a little of that overtime action.

- Nothing's wrong with my terminal.
- No?

Well, I got a report that there was,
so I thought I'd check it out.

- Oh, yeah? What's wrong with it?
- Oh, I don't know.

Probably some kind of short,
chip, something like that.

Well, I'd feel a lot better if nobody
messed with it, you know?

Come on, lady, look, I've been
traveling for two hours, all right?

Oh, yeah, I can appreciate that fully, but...

Look, you were about to leave, weren't you?

You don't mind if I just call Sperry?

I mean, just to check it out.

No. Go ahead.
It's your dime.

Okay.
Uh, uh, uh.

Don't mess with it.

Hi, this is Terry Doolittle
down at First National.

Who is this, Clovis?

Yeah, Clovis, I got a guy here
who says you sent him down.

Yeah, let me ask him.
Say, what's your...?

My mistake. Sorry.

(horn honking)

Terry:
153. Pull over here.

I'll only be a couple of minutes, I swear.

Sure, lady.
As long as the meter's running.

Key's in the hydrant, just like he said.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Wow.

Nice pad!

I'm not stealing anything.
I got a key from Jack.

Hello?

This is great.

You know this cat don't have no roaches.

God.

Maybe I ought to go into the spy business.

Nice system.

(music blaring)

- (music stops)
- Oh, Jesus!

(phone ringing)

It's the phone.
It's just the phone.

Hi, this is Jack.

Sorry to have missed you,
but if you leave your name

and number, I'll get back to you
as soon as possible.

And if you'd like to leave a little message,

that would be good too.
Okay, bye.

- So that's what you sound like.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't forget to wait for the beep, will you?

It's a fairly long space, but it's coming soon.

(woman with French accent)
Jacques, it's me again.

You shit!
I'm sick of this machine!

Forget it.

Jack, I wouldn't go with any woman
who called me a "sheet."

(machine beeps)

No, no, I won't.

No, this is the man's
private property. I mean...

Fuck it.

(tape rewinding)

Man: Hi, Jack.
This is Curt from Sport Motors.

The car's ready.

We put in a new set of brakes
and replaced the radio.

Give us a call when you wanna pick it up.

"Sarah. Sinai, '82."

Jack, it's Allen.
I've been trying to get you for days.

Look, I got tickets for the Knicks
game tomorrow and...

Wait, Allen.
Hang on. I'm here.

Allen:
You're screening your calls?

Jack: Yeah, let me just switch
this thing off.

Hi, Jack. It's Liz.

I'm worried about Harry, okay?
Please call.

In the oven!
It's not here!

Oh.

(machine beeps)

Man:
Jack, there's trouble. Call me.

Woman:
Jacques, it's me again.

You shit!
I'm sick of this machine! Forget it!

Go, go!
Let's go, let's go!

(screams)

Shut up!

Sit back, relax.

The meter is off.

(grunts)

Okay.

Let's see.

"Harry Carlson, Archer Lincoln,

Peter Caen, Mark Van Meter."

I'm supposed to call these guys?

Oh, shit.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.

First up, Peter Caen.

Hmm.
553-3182.

- Peter Caen residence.
- Hello, is Peter Caen in?

No, this is his service.
May I take a message?

Yes, my name is Terry Doolittle.

- He can reach me at 555...
- (can rattles)

- 555, yes?
- 7532.

- 7532. Thank you.
- Okay.

(cats howling)

Fucking cats.

Hello?

- Is this Mr. Van Meter?
- Yes.

Hi, my name is Terry Doolittle.
And I have a message for you

- from Jumping Jack Flash.
- I can meet you in 20 minutes.

Is it possible to do this in the morning?

I've had the most amazing night.

I'm leaving for Brussels
on a 3:00 A.M. Flight.

- I think we should meet tonight.
- Okay. Where?

(ship horn blows)

This is great.
This is great.

I mean, I'm down here 1:30
in the morning on the docks!

I should just pin a $100 bill
to my ass and scream,

"Victim here! Victim here!"

Don't complain.
Shut up, okay?

- Man: What a wise idea.
- Yeah, you're right.

Oh, shit.
(screams)

I apologize, Miss Doolittle.

Procedure.

But you understand, of course.

- Mr. Van Meter?
- Van Meter.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Very nice of you to meet me here.

- Thanks, thanks.
- You know the business.

You scared me!

Jesus, man, do the world a favor!

Get yourself an office with a desk and a lamp!

Let's walk.

- Okay, who do you work for?
- First National Bank.

I don't mean your cover, I mean your boss.

James Page. Anal.
Polyester king.

So Page is Jack's contact?

No, he's the schmuck I work for at the bank.

I work in the money transfer room, man.

I work on a computer.

Do you mean you're a civilian?

You don't know anything about this, do you?

I don't know dick about this!

Except some guy calling himself

Jumping Jack Flash taps into my computer!

Tells me to go to his house and get a frying pan

to call Van Halen, Van Morrison,
I don't know. Van Meter!

- Right, but you got a message.
- Yes, I got the message.

And I took it over to the British Consulate.

I talked to Mr. Talbot.

This guy looked at me like I was crazy!

What was the message?

"Dog's barking.
Can't fly without umbrella."

It's silly, I know.

I pray to God he's still alive.

No, no.
I just talked to him tonight.

I mean...

You're being melodramatic, aren't you?

I'm not.

I'm sorry you got this involved.

I couldn't help it.
I mean, the guy was all alone.

I didn't wanna leave him.
How often does a girl like me

get involved with something like this?

I mean, there it was on
my computer screen, you know?

And I was thinking to myself...

Mr. Van Meter, you seem to be
moving awfully quickly.

Mr. Van Meter, are you
trying to catch a plane?

Mr. Van Meter?
Mr. Van Meter!

(screams)

(gunshots)

Mr. Van Meter?

Mr. Van Meter?
Mr. Van Met...?

Eww!

Eww! Eww! Eww!

(siren blaring)

Terry: Look, there is a dead
man floating around in the river!

Tell me again.

If you'd stop picking your teeth,
you could hear what I had to say.

- I've got to get the facts.
- What happened?

I told them not to call anybody.

They fished your card out of my pocket.

- You're wet.
- Really, Marty?

God, you're so perceptive!

- You know her?
- I work with her.

She nuts?

We found her screaming, soaking wet,

waving down cars near Battery Park.

- What happened?
- Fell in the river.

I told you, I didn't fall in the river,
I was thrown!

- By your pimp, your john?
- What is it with you people?

Every time you see a black woman,
there has to a pimp or a john?

What, do you think there's a lot of
work down on the pier for hookers?

You think I'm giving blowjobs
down there to goldfish?

Is she on some kind of medication?

Not that I know of. Are you on
some kind of medication?

Marty! You know, you can talk
directly to me, asshole.

Watch your mouth.

There is a dead man
floating around in the river.

I think it's time to go home now.

We sent a car down there, lady.
Look who I'm calling "lady."

We found nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing!

Well, drag the river!

There are killers running
around the fucking city!

How would you like me to wash
your mouth out with a wire brush?

How'd you like if I kick you in the nuts so hard

that they get lodged in your fucking nostrils?

My, that's a vivid image, isn't it?

Officer, look, here's my card.

I'll be responsible for her, I promise you that.

You better get her to some doctor.

There's nothing wrong with me,
you dumb motherfucker!

- I told you...
- That's the word I don't like.

- Rosie, book her...
- No, sir, sir.

- It's Tourette's syndrome!
...for disturbing the peace.

It's an illness.
People can't stop swearing.

They don't even know
they're doing it. She has it bad.

She usually spits.
Really, this is sweet talk for her.

- Son of a bitch!
- It's Tourette's syndrome.

Look up Tourette's syndrome.

You are the dumbest motherfucker I ever met.

What, are you some kind of fucking
reject from "Barney Miller"?

I don't understand.
I don't get this.

This is rose hips with zinc.
Drink this, you will stop sneezing.

Tell me, how is it possible that
a man could be brutally murdered

and not have it appear in the newspaper?

It wasn't in the paper on Saturday.
It wasn't in the paper on Sunday.

I mean, it's not even in today's
paper and this is the "Post."

- Maybe you ought to forget about it.
- (sneezes)

Bless you.

Forget about it?
Marty, you weren't there.

You didn't see that man go floating past me.

- What's his name again?
- Van Meter.

Look, Alexander's is having
a sale on toaster ovens.

You weren't looking in the obituaries.

Marty, you're a prince.

Priest: It's the little things
that ease our life.

And so are you.

Mark Van Meter was a great success
in the greeting-card business.

But he was a greater success as a human being.

His tragic death from a heart attack

should remind us all of how precious life is.

Miss Doolittle. Hello.

- Small world.
- Indeed.

You were a friend
of Mr. Van Meter?

Oh, yes, he saved my life.

In Jesus Christ, our Lord, amen.

- Look, we...
- Very nice to see you again.

- What a lovely service.
- Should we go, sir?

He was a wonderful man.
A good friend.

Excuse me.

- Are you Terry Doolittle?
- Who wants to know?

I'm Liz Carlson.
You called my husband, Harry.

Oh, yeah. Harry Carlson,
on the frying pan, yeah.

You said you had a message from Jack,

but my husband's with Jack.

Let's talk.

- Are you CIA?
- Who, me?

No! No, no, I work in a bank.
I work on a computer.

All of a sudden I got all involved in this,

and I'm not quite sure how to get out of it.

Well, maybe I could help you.

The last guy that tried to help me,

you know, Mr. Van Meter,
he ended up dead.

Excuse me, ladies.
Liz, Miss Doolittle.

Am I wearing a name tag?
Who is this?

That's Archer Lincoln.

That's Archer Lincoln?
Jesus.

He's on the back
of the frying pan, too. See you later.

Hey!
Hey, hey!

Archer Lincoln, look, you've gotta talk to me.

I've tried to call you for a couple of days.

We'll have lunch Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, any day you want!

I got a message from a good friend!
You schmuck!

Bye.

Would you please tell me
what the hell is going on?

Well, don't quote me, but obviously
somebody is trying to scare you

- into giving them Jack's code key.
- Well...

They're doing an awfully good job of it.

Come on, Liz, who is it?

KGB probably.

Girl: You little brat!
Look what you did to my sweater!

The KGB?
The K-motherfucking-GB?

- Stop it.
- It looks great on you.

Stop that right now!

Harry Jr! Look at your face!
For heaven's sake!

Just put the icing on the cake,
not on your sister's new sweater!

- Liz! Liz! KGB!
- Not in front of the kids!

- Can I write KGB on the cake?
- No, you may not.

- Jack: Peter Caen?
- Unavailable.

- Archer Lincoln?
- Him. Uncooperative.

- Harry Carlson?
- Harry Carlson.

I thought he was with you.
That's what his wife said.

Was. Lost contact.
Thought he was homesick.

He never made it.

Have another favor to ask.

You have another favor to ask, huh?

Of course, you wouldn't ask me was I hurt?

Did they scare me?
Was the water shitty? No.

You say,
"Have another favor to ask."

Never mind.
Favor too dangerous.

Just like a man.

What's the favor?

Would you go back to the consulate?

Sure, no problem.
They let me in all the time.

Whom would I talk to this time?

Their computer.
It has exit contacts.

Can you handle it?

Yeah, I think I can handle it.
I'll try.

I think the Queen's Anniversary Ball is tonight.

You think I could crash it?

Could try. Do you have
a dinner jacket?

Christ, he thinks I'm a man.

Will have to wear evening dress.

Terry happens to be short for Teresa.

- Had no idea.
- I know you didn't know.

Will try alternate contacts.

Could not ask you to continue.

Why are you saying that?
Because I'm a woman?

- Correct. Thanks for all your help.
- Scumbag!

I don't believe this.

I risked my life, and this guy
tells me he doesn't

believe in me because I'm
a woman! What an asshole!

Jack:
Terry?

- Terry?
- What? No, no, forget it!

- Terry!
- What?

- I know you're there.
- You know, you...

You want help or not?
Because I got better things to do

- than to save your butt, bud!
- I'm sorry.

It's okay.

- I mean it.
- No, I know you mean it.

Forget it.

I mean it.

I swear, you don't stop, dude.
Just forget it!

Okay.
Here's what I need you to do.

First, imperative to have invitation
for admittance to the ball.

Try to be inconspicuous.
Second...

I hired the car for 6:00.
You weren't ready till 6:20.

The car was on time.

You were 20 minutes late.
What do you expect?

Christopher!
Kiss, kiss, hugs, hugs.

Sir Hensley, Lady Hensley, good evening.

- Hold the coat.
- I'm holding it.

- Kristine De laGrange.
- Of course.

If it's going to be like this,
I'd really like to go home now.

- We're not going home now.
- I'd like to go home now.

- I'd really like to go home right now!
- Please try and be decent.

- Your invitation, please.
- I don't have one.

Well, I'm sorry, but we can't let
you in without an invitation.

You look awfully familiar.

That's because I'm the entertainment.

What on earth?

♪ I need love, love ♪

♪ To ease my mind ♪

♪ I need to find, find ♪

♪ Someone to call mine ♪

♪ My mama said you can't hurry love ♪

♪ No, you just have to wait ♪

♪ She said love don't come easy ♪

♪ It's a game of give and take ♪

♪ You can't hurry love ♪

♪ No, you just have to wait ♪

- ♪ You've got to just give it time... ♪
- Stupid!

♪ No matter how long it takes ♪

♪ But how many heartaches ♪

♪ Must I stand ♪

♪ Before I find a love? ♪

That was very good.

I don't believe it! Leslie!

- Come along, darling.
- Leslie!

- I know you're embarrassed.
- I'm behind you in slippery shoes.

(whining)

- You're getting very shrill.
- You total bastard, Leslie.

I'm sorry, there was nothing
I could do. She grabbed my arm.

- Leslie, you're dribbling.
- What?

We've got to get in the receiving
line to be introduced.

Excuse me.

We must shake hands now.
Good to meet you.

How do you do?

- Excuse me.
- Hi.

Yes?

I don't think...

Terry?

- Lord Malcolm, may I...
- Elizabeth.

May I present my...
my cousin?

- By marriage.
- Lady Sarah.

How do you do?

You know, I can't get over
the feeling we've met before.

Oh, no, I'm quite sure I would remember you.

Wasn't it the Sinai, 1982?

Yes, it is true I was in the Sinai very
briefly in 1982 in the summer.

Well, I simply wanted to say you look
as wonderful now as you did then.

Your 'ships. Get me out of here.
Get me...

Extraordinary friends you have, darling.

How do you know Sarah?

Her picture's in Jack's apartment.

It says "Sarah. Sinai, 1982."

Yeah, they used to be
quite an item a few years ago.

Really?

That was before she decided to become a lady.

I think she just couldn't quite take
the insecurity of life with Jack.

Right now I can appreciate that.

Hey, I gotta get up to the third floor.

How can I help you?

- Here I go.
- Good luck.

(speaking French)

Thank you. Thank you so much.
Excuse me.

- Well, well, Miss Doolittle!
- Mr. Talbot.

What an Anglophile you turned out to be,

turning up at all the auspicious occasions.

Like Cinderella at her first ball.

Let's honor Her Majesty with a dance.

I don't dance, Mr. Talbot.

Heard any more from
your friend Mr. Flash?

May I cut in?

Of course.

- Good evening, Elizabeth.
- You're such a beautiful dancer.

- I couldn't resist.
- Thank you.

(men chatting on TV)

Oh, God, Benny Hill.

She can't just have disappeared.

(groaning)

Why am I wearing sequins tonight?

Oh, please, God, don't let me die.

♪ You can't hurry love, ♪
♪ no, you just have to wait... ♪

- (smashes)
- Great, great!

Oh, crap!
Oh, shit!

- What was that?
- Don't know.

(laughing)

Don't look down!
Damn!

Fucking dress!

I'm sure the frock could cover the queen mum.

Don't go away.
Benny and the gang will be back.

(beeping)

- Right. Now, where's Nina?
- Don't shoot.

(printer beeping)

Your turn this time.

Let me know what I've missed.

Come on. Come on, don't tell me
this bloody machine isn't working.

Ah.

Same old readouts every time.

Hey, come on. Come on.
You're gonna miss it. Come on.

All right, I'm coming.

You can't believe where his hand is.

Well, another spy bites the dust.

Oh, God!

What's that?

Nothing.

Not the crotch!
Not the crotch!

Oh, Christ!

I don't know.

You're not gonna get me
and my dress, you piece of shit.

You... shit! Shit!

Excuse me.

Could you?

(playing "God save the Queen")

♪ God save the queen. ♪

Terry:
I can't believe I fit in at the ball,

and some asshole on the street
thinks I'm a transvestite.

Jeez, these shoes hurt.

I gotta explain this dress to Cynthia.

I'll just tell her I slammed it
in a taxi door or something.

God!

Fuck!

(floorboards creaking)

I think I just broke every
little bone in my wrist.

You scared me, Marty!
You asshole!

Look, I called you at 11:00,
I called you at 12:00,

I called you at 1:00.
I promised that policeman

- that I would be responsible.
- Who are you, Rona Barrett?

- Damn, you scared me! I'm fine!
- Well, I'm not.

I'm gonna have
to have this x-rayed now.

Shit!

Am I just a square, or is there
something wrong with your dress?

I got moths.

Big, mutant, junkie moths.

Jesus, Terry.

Dead guy, you got cops.
You got your apartment trashed.

What are you getting involved in?
What are you doing?

I'm...

- winging it.
- Oh, you're winging it.

- Yes, I'm winging it, Marty!
- That's great!

Well, thank you.

Terry...

Terry:
And now,

live and in person,

right here in the First National Bank,

we present to you Blind Terry Doolittle.

♪ I want me a Jack, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ I want him come back, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ He's taking his time, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ I'm busting my behind, ♪
♪ bum, bum, bum, bum... ♪

- Jack: Terry? Terry.
- Oh, shit! Sorry.

Sorry, Jack.

I get a little carried away sometimes
sitting in this dumb bank.

- Did you make it, Terry?
- Did I make it?

Are you crazy?
Of course I made it, yes.

- You're wonderful.
- I know.

It's time to get your ticket home, kiddo.

We're in, we're in!

Request Anglo-American operatives
file number 114171280.

Exit procedures:
Eastern zone, number 49.

What's my contact?

Way to go, way to go.

Oh, shit.

Terry.

Terry, what happened?

What happened?
I don't know.

- Maybe they caught us.
- They must have.

- Now what?
- It's over.

Impossible to exit.
All doors closed.

What are you talking about?
It's not over. Get out of here.

Thanks for everything, but we're no longer safe.

- Neither of us.
- Oh, no, Jack.

I'll think of something.
Don't do this to me now.

Talk to me tomorrow, same time.

I'll think of something.
I swear to God.

Jack?

Jack, Jack!

Jack. Confirm, confirm.

Jack, come on!

Confirm that you are crazy

and confirm 7:00 P.M. Tomorrow.
Please be careful.

I know it's one of these houses.
Pull up right there.

No, right there, yeah.

Okay, look. You need to stay
here and wait for me.

Just stay and wait. I haven't had
the best of luck with you guys.

Okay, I'm here, baby.
I ain't going nowhere.

Liz.

Hey, Liz!

Liz?

Oh, shit.

Where the fuck is the taxi?
Oh, Jesus.

I got Mace.
I got Mace in my pocket.

Mr. Lincoln
would like to talk to you.

I don't want to talk to no Lincoln.

Get your hands off me!
What are you doing?

Hello, Miss Doolittle.
I thought we'd go for a little ride.

Well, I've seen this movie before,
and I'm not gonna stay here.

I just want to talk.
Don't be frightened, Miss Doolittle.

- Miss Doolittle, please.
- All right.

Where is Liz Carlson?

The company has moved her to a new home,

given her a new name, a new life.

Look, what are you trying to do, cop a feel?

- Get your fucking hands off me.
- Stupid.

- And where is Jack?
- Calm down and get in.

Thank you.

What company?
What's the name of it?

It's the CIA.

Now look here, Mr. Lincoln.
What happened to Harry Carlson?

- Harry Carlson is dead.
- What do you mean, he's dead?

"Dead" dead?

- And what about Jack?
- What about him?

What do you mean, what about him?

You know what I'm talking about!
You just gonna let him sit there?

You know, you people got
a strange retirement plan.

Would you like a lesson in the espionage game?

From you? No!

Well, I'm gonna give you a little lesson anyhow.

- Do you know what a pawn is?
- Yes, it's a shrimp.

That's a prawn.
A pawn...

Is the smallest piece on the chessboard.

And the most expendable.
The ones you sacrifice.

Jack and I have been friends
for many, many years.

And Jack knew it could come to this going in.

So let me give you a little bit of advice.

Amateur night, Miss Doolittle, is over.

Get off the stage before you get carried off.

Archer Lincoln.

I don't know about him.

Good guy.

- What are you doing?
- Huh? What?

- Hi, Marty.
- What are you doing?

I'm just typing up my Christmas list.

- Am I on it?
- Yeah, right.

- I got you on it.
- Don't tell me, don't tell me.

Talbot.

Repairman.

Good guys.

Me.

Van Meter.
Dead but good.

Jack.

Liz Carlson.
Gone but good.

How about...
fuck, what's her name?

Sarah.

Sarah, Sarah.

Let's see.

Miss Doolittle.
What are you doing?

I have to make a very important phone call.

You know better than to utilize
the phone for personal considerations.

- You wait for your lunch hour.
- But, Mr. Page, it's really important.

I gotta call my mother.

She was standing on the corner
just minding her business

and all of a sudden, out of the blue

this tractor-trailer came
and ran her over.

Again? Your mother is having
a very bad month.

Didn't she fall off a crosstown bus last week?

I'd like to be her beneficiary.

- Get away from that phone!
- No, wait a minute!

- Get out of here!
- No, I was here first!

I gotta reach out and touch someone, all right?

All right, forget it. Fine.
I can wait.

Man:
There she is.

(British accent)
Yes, good afternoon.

May I speak with Lady Sarah, please?

Oh, my name?
Sybil Fawlty.

Yes, I'm the social secretary
to Lady... Lady...

Lady Andatramp.

Yeah, that's right.
Lady Andatramp.

You know, she's the Dutch dog fancier.

Yes.

Oh, yes. Could you hold on
one second?

- What do you want?
- You gonna be all day?

Look, don't piss me off!
Get the fuck out of my face, okay?

Dickhead!

Look, can you tell me
where I might find Lady Sarah?

Elizabeth Arden?
All day?

Go be a gentleman, see where that gets you.

That's the kind of thing we have to do.
I mean, that's our jobs.

(grunts)

Yes. Thank you so much.
God save the queen.

Bon vivant. Arrivederci.

That kind of thing.
Yes, bye-bye. Bye.

- (rings)
- What?

You want a quarter?
Kiss my ass!

Find me in New York for this fucking quarter.

(phone rings)

Okay, okay, okay.
I was just... here's your quarter.

I'm sorry. Who knew there was
a phone gestapo? I mean...

Man: Could you get my umbrella
while you're at it there?

These guys are serious.

Whoa!

Hey, my umbrella!

Oh, shit!

Hey, hey, hey!
Stop, stop, stop!

Call the police!
You can't miss me!

I'm a little black woman in a big silver box

and the top of the thing
says "phone." Help!

Oh, Jesus! Hey!
Watch out for the car!

Help! I'm stuck
in a phone booth! Help!

You, brother!
Yo, brother man!

Black power!
Get me the fuck out of here!

- Right on!
- No, don't wave at me!

Call the police!

Help me!
Call the police!

Oh, fuck! Help! Help!

- We're gonna clean your window.
- Don't wash the windows.

- Don't wa... get me out!
- Come on, give us some money!

Only in fucking New York could you
be in a goddamn phone booth

and nobody does anything.

Help!

I'm moving towards the uptown area.

Help me now!

(siren blaring)

Oh, fuck!

Stop!

I'll get...
I'll get back to you.

- Oh, you found me!
- Lady, you okay?

Hey, get the SWAT guys!
Your ass is mine now!

Asshole!
Whoa!

- Hey!
- I owe you one.

Oh, no! No, no, no.
You're gonna kill me!

- I'm dying!
- No, you're not gonna die.

- Not yet.
- Help!

- Not till you tell me the truth.
- What?

Just let the serum take effect, Terry.

- You mean truth serum?
- That's right.

- What kind of hokey shit is that?
- Tell me the truth.

- Tell me the truth, Terry.
- I'm not gonna tell you anything!

Come on.
Where is Jack? Come on.

You know, my ears are ringing.

- Only the truth, Terry.
- It is the truth.

I don't know anything.
I don't know anything about anything.

I don't know anything about Jack Fla...

Where is he, Terry?

- I... you know, I...
- Fuck the insurance!

- Is my face melting?
- The key!

The key, Terry! I need the key!
Jack's code key. What's the key?

- The key?
- Yes.

- The key!
- The key is the key.

- What the hell does that mean?
- The key is the key.

I gave her too much.
Goddamn it!

Get in the car!
Damn it!

I'll meet you back in the basement.

She's got too much.
She's useless.

The basement? You're not taking
anybody to the basement.

- Hello, police? I'm being taken...
- Hey, stop that!

- Do you read me? Stop, stop, stop!
- What do you think you're doing?

Hey! Put that down!
Turn that off! Hey! Give me that!

You bitch! Hey, you stupid bitch!
Let go of my arm!

Unlock the door!
What? Give me that!

- Oh, shit! Carl! Carl!
- Bye.

Oh, my God!
Turn right! Oh, my God!

(crashes)

And you deserve it, asshole!
And that's the truth!

Oh, my God. You ever wonder
what the fuck Martinizing is?

- Yeah.
- I do.

I wonder about that stuff all the time.

Oh, look! A tropical fish
and his mate!

- I love it.
- See, I told you you look good.

Oh, boy.

Boy, they got some funky-looking
people in New York.

I have to go to Elizabeth Arden.

I gotta save my friend Jack.

You know, he's a spy.

I didn't know that's what happens
when you put Ex-Lax in tea.

I thought I heard everything.
Thanks, lady.

Who the fuck is Elizabeth Arden?

I don't know.
Hey, baby, open the door.

- Good afternoon, madam.
- Taxi!

(screaming)

Jesus! Jesus! I...

I have to see Lady Sarah Billings.

She's having her treatment.
May I take a message?

- Security, please.
- Phew! Jesus!

- No wonder they call it toilet water.
- Ma'am, you can't go in there.

- What's your name?
- Earl.

Earl.
You look like a smart guy, Earl.

- See this face?
- Mm-hmm.

This is the face of a woman on the edge, Earl.

I know.
My wife's got the same face.

You have to make a decision.

Do you wanna work here, or do you want to live?

I quit, I quit.

Sarah!

Does anyone have a little pocket pistol?

God, it's hot in here!
I can't believe this.

What are you people doing?

You don't have to spend your money!
Spend my money! Here.

You want some money to spend?
Beauty comes from within!

It's not something you can buy!

Except for you.
You need the most help.

Use my MasterCard.

- Sarah!
- She doesn't know what she means.

Look what they did to this woman!
She looks terrible!

It's a man.

Well, I never!

Sorry. Sarah! Sarah!

- No!
- Sarah!

- No! Miss!
- Sarah!

Miss! Miss!

What the fuck are you running here,
"Wild Kingdom"?

Loveliness is a woman's obligation and reward.

Her biggest...

Hi. Remember me?

Embassy ball?

Liz Carlson's cousin
Terry Doolittle. Hi.

- Good to see you.
- How are you?

Oh, boy, well. You know,
I hate my job. I hate this city.

I'm a little bit lonely periodically.

I feel like I got my period every day.

But for the most part,
the spy stuff is... big mistake.

Other than that, I'm great.

Karen, just give us five minutes, please.

Don't take too long.
You'll lose that tonality.

We don't want your cheeks
dropping to your knees.

- Where is he?
- Russia, I think. I'm not sure.

People are chasing him.
He needs to get out.

I thought me and you could go to your husband

and get an exit contact for him.

- Why on earth would we do that?
- He's your friend.

That's what you do for friends
is you help them out.

- You're assuming a great deal.
- Come on, Sarah.

I mean, you don't want me to beg
on my knees, do you?

I mean, you guys had a thing once.

You were close.
I mean, come on.

Jack was a very long time ago.
I can't help you.

- Oh, you can't?
- I'm sorry, Miss Doolittle.

There's absolutely nothing I can do.

You're just gonna lay back in your pink room

in your little pink towel
with your little pink face

and your pink froufrou blanket
and your big pink feet.

And you're gonna lay there
and tell me you're sorry?

Lady, you're more than sorry.

You know?
You know what you are?

You're... you're sad.

Larry:
Hey, Terry, you are late.

Page is pissed, man.
He is smoking.

Larry, you gotta stop smoking them cigars, man.

And for God's sake, lose some weight.

I lost five pounds last week.

I even cut back on hog maws and chitterlings.

- Hi.
- Hey, you're late! You're late.

- I'm gonna slide on down...
- Is she drunk?

- What's she doing?
- Okay.

- She cracks me up.
- Terry.

Come on, get up.
Mr. Page is going to see you.

- I'm okay.
- Where have you been?

I went and had...

Stop wearing this lipstick.
Do me a favor.

- Okay.
- It looks so strange on your lips.

Get her some water.
She's drunk.

Marry her soon. Those babies
are gonna need a last name.

- Did you tell her?
- No.

Terry, what's wrong with you?
You look awful.

- Your ulcer, Mr. Page.
- Is Page looking for me?

Every five minutes.
Be cool.

Congratulations, Miss Doolittle.

You have finally managed to shatter
the Guinness record for tardiness.

(laughs)

I'm taking you upstairs.

I'm not gonna say anything.

Maybe one or two things.

Psst, come here.
All six of you, come here.

Look, I've just had several

of the worst days
of my young life, Mr. Page.

And, well, the last thing I need

is some jiggerhead like you

to be screaming at me in a whiny voice.

If you don't leave me alone,

I'm gonna snatch this bad boy off your head.

And I'll have to ram this straight up
your old chocolate whizway.

- Oh, my God.
- Get Larry, the heavyset guard.

Get Larry, the heavyset guard!

- Call an ambulance!
- Hey, that's my hat.

Mr. Page, call an ambulance.

Help me with her.
Just put that down.

I had no idea he was bald.

- What did you think that was?
- I thought it was hair.

- Mr. Page, can we use your office?
- No, not in my office.

Come on. It's office decorum.

Put her in my office, for heaven's sakes.

(door rattling)

Hyah!

Hi, Sarah.

Oh.

Come in.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I was just cleaning up my apartment.

I was afraid to use the telephone,
and this couldn't wait.

Do you remember what you said
to me at the salon?

- Not a goddamn word of it.
- You were very eloquent.

Really? Thanks.

So I persuaded my husband to get involved.

He, in turn, spoke with Ml5 in London.

Is this for Jack?

In the envelope, you'll find
the name of a person

and a rendezvous point.

If Jack makes this contact,
he should be home within 72 hours.

Hey.
You're a real lady, Sarah.

Jack, you got good taste.

Pack your bags, bud.

I got good news for you.

I got your exit contact from your old flame.

- Who?
- I knew you'd want to know.

Sinai Sarah.

Maybe we should leave this game to the women.

Yes. Or maybe if you left
it to the women,

we wouldn't be playing these stupid games.

Okay.

"Contact Burg will meet
you tomorrow." Okay.

Contact Burghardt.

Will meet you
at Rezo Inn 5:00 P.M. Tomorrow.

Thanks.

Smooth talker.

Take care of yourself.
Keep your terminal open tomorrow.

I owe you my life. I don't know
how I can ever repay you.

I think I'll settle for veal dinner.

You're on.
How about Orlando's?

Not bad taste.
Orlando's.

Sure.
Anything else?

Sweet dreams.

You, too, Jack.

You, too, man.

Oh, shit.

Man:
Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Baby, look what we have here.

Mmm.

- Take your hands off me.
- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Who taught you how to dress?
- I did.

- Come rattle my chains.
- Fucking mother!

Hey, baby, don't worry.
I'll go first.

You don't want me.

You don't want me.
I got diseases.

I got shit that'll make your dick fall off.

Baby, my dick glows in the dark.

Fuck her.
She don't deserve us.

I'm cured! I'm cured!

I'm gonna party with you guys.
Come to my house.

We'll have a great time!

And we'll have sex!

- We'll do lots of drugs!
- Yeah.

We'll have a real good time, you know?

And then we'll get down and boogie.

I think I got a business appointment.

- Baby, we got to leave.
- What's the matter?

I said I was cured.
Where are you going?

I'm cured, I told you.

(screams)

(silenced gunshot)

Talbot:
Good afternoon.

Ah!

- What?
- Good afternoon.

What do you mean, afternoon?

It's a little after 3:00.

You're too late.

I already sent Jack his exit contact.

- Yes, I know.
- What do you mean?

Who do you think gave
the exit contact to Lord Malcolm?

Where did you think he'd come?
We're his trusted staff.

You bastards!

(laughing)

Don't underestimate your role.

You led us right to Jack.
You sprang the trap.

No. Jack was hip to you.

And Jack knew you were playing
both sides of the fence.

And that's why you're so pissed off.

Please, Miss Doolittle.

In a very short while, he'll be dead.
Know why?

Because he's going to contact
Burghardt at the Rezo Inn.

5:00 P.M.
Ring a bell?

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

I mean, that's not the message I sent.

What was the message you sent?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Lord Malcolm might not be that swift,

but, boy, he seems to be onto you chumps.

- She's bluffing.
- We'll soon find out.

You're gonna tell us what we want to know.

Who are you supposed to be?
The Pillsbury Doughboy?

(groans)
Just kidding.

I congratulate you on
your analysis of my situation.

Jack has indeed uncovered information

that associates a consulate official
with an unfriendly government.

By now, he quite accurately suspects me.

You're a KGB
whoozi-whatsits.

A mole.

Very good!
You're a clever girl.

What contact did you send?

Talbot:
Carl, please persuade her.

(saw buzzing)

(whimpers)

What contact did you send?

Since I didn't know where Jack was,
I had to discredit his information.

I put out the word that he had killed
Carlson and then defected.

(drilling)

That closed most doors.

That's why he wound up with you.

- We don't have much time.
- Enough rehearsal.

This is for what you did to our friend.

Don't do it!

Come on!
Come on!

- Ow!
- (groans)

Talbot: Watch out!
Get up! Get up! Hurry!

Don't kill her.

- No, don't kill me. You're right.
- She's worthless dead.

- Listen to the man.
- I gotta be sure.

That's right, Mr. Talbot.

- So shoot her in the legs.
- No, don't shoot me in the legs.

Are you crazy?

If you shoot me in the legs,
I'll blow my brains out.

- It's just another bluff.
- No, it isn't!

Look! See? See? Look.

I'm gonna kill myself.
Finger on the trigger.

Stay right there.

She can't leave the consulate.
Take the back stairs.

(screams)
There's a lady with a gun!

- What has she got in her hand?
- She's got a weapon!

(muffled)
Call the police.

Oh, God, that's what you are.
You're a terrorist.

- Call the police.
- Do you have a list of demands?

I demand you call the fucking police.

I demand that you call the fucking police!

Do you want a hostage?
I've been trained to be a hostage.

Please. I have a gun in your face.
I'm threatening myself.

- All right, freeze!
- Drop it!

Okay! God.

It's down.

(sighs)
Jeez.

You know, it took you guys
long enough to get here.

Let's go.
Read her her rights.

Come peacefully, you won't get hurt.

I'm so glad to see you guys, I swear.

Those guys are trying to put my lights out.

I gotta get downtown real fast.

- Don't worry, you will.
- Hey!

Get in there.

- (laughing)
- (siren blaring)

Did you see the look on that schmuck's face?

Jeez, this is great!

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, you don't have to talk to me like that.

By the way, could you guys drop me off downtown?

'Cause I really do have some
important business to take care of.

- You are nuts.
- You still don't get it?

Look, there is a guy in Russia who's gonna die

unless I get back to my computer
terminal in 45 minutes.

45 minutes?
It'll take that long to book you.

You'll be lucky if you get there in 45 days!

- Book me? Book me? Bullshit!
- Hey, sit down!

(horn blaring)

Officer: Hey, Charlie.
Charlie, you all right?

All right, call it in!
I'm going after her.

Hey, lady!
Oh, shit!

Look out!

Coming through!
Get out of the way! Look out!

Larry: Slow down, Terry.
You're gonna hurt yourself.

- Get out of the way, Lisa!
- Fred: Marty called.

Cynthia:
Maybe she got herself a boyfriend.

Terry, what's going on?

Jack. B-flat.

See, what did I tell you?
Jack.

Jack, do you receive?
Jack?

Jack here. Just leaving.
Anything wrong?

Listen carefully. Can...

Jack?
What is this?

Every time I turn around, I get this
Russian bitch on my terminal!

- Fucking machine!
- This is unbelievable. You are fired.

I am conferring inside
with two very important members

of the British financial community

and they have to hear this kind of language.

Talbot: That's quite all right.
We've become accustomed to it.

Well, I'm so sorry, I...

It appears you did send the Burghardt contact.

Page: I couldn't find
the Burghardt information

- on any of these terminals.
- Bastard.

Jack: What's wrong?
Terry, what's wrong?

Tell him nothing's wrong.

Excuse me. Who are these people?
I want to know...

- Step out, Mr. Page.
- Tell him.

- Get Larry, the heavyset guard.
- You take your hands off me.

Can't help you now, Mr. Page.

Terry, what's wrong?

On second thought,
Mr. Talbot...

send it your goddamn self.

- Oh, you shouldn't...
- Shut up!

Don't let her send!
Hunter, stop her!

Don't let her send a message!
Keep her away from...

(people screaming)

- Talbot: Carl, stop shooting!
- My hat! My hat!

Talbot:
Carl, don't kill anyone!

- Oh, my God!
- Don't shoot the machines!

Whoa!
Whoa!

Oh, Christ.

Terry, must leave in order to make contact.

Get off my foot!

Burghardt is setup.
Will kill you.

Oh, no, you don't!

- Kill her?
- Feel free!

- (gunshot)
- (groans)

Talbot: Carl!

Why do I have to work here?

Cancel the message.

Cancel the message.
Cancel the message.

I'll cancel something even better.

(whimpering)

- (beeps)
- (exhales)

I don't believe her.

- What's his code?
- Who are you?

CIA.
What's his code?

What's his code?
Give me his code, goddamn it!

All right.
It's B-flat. God.

Doug: Fred, take a picture of me
next to the dead guy.

Jack:
Still here, sweetheart.

Marty:
Glad to hear it, honey.

It's Peter Caen.

You're Peter Caen?

Yeah. I'll explain
everything to you later.

- The one on the frying pan?
- Yes.

Have Talbot.
Have exit contact.

Meet Matuchek, store on Balton Street.

Will get you home.
Promise.

Anything you want to say?

Well, tell him not to forget our date.

All this is for a date?

(orchestral music playing)

(sighs)

Our specials tonight...

Welcome back.

Well, thank you.
Excuse me.

Darling, I'm sorry.

More breadsticks, madame?

Oh, no.
Could I have the check, please?

Hi.

Hi, Marty.
I'm sorry, Peter.

- It's all right.
- What are you doing here?

- You look very nice.
- Oh, yeah? Thanks.

- What are you doing here?
- Jack isn't coming.

I'm sorry, Terry.
He's in London.

He sent me a telex, told me to come
here and explain that to you.

I know that he very much wanted to be here.

It's no big deal, you know.

After all, I was just some words
on a screen, right?

A screwdriver, a mechanic's tool
to be used by you guys.

- He asked me to take care of this.
- Please. No.

It's too much like him leaving my room

and leaving money on the dresser.

- $40. Great.
- Terry.

Well, I did my part for democracy.

Shit.

I'll take you home, okay?

No. No. I'm okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Fred:
She should be happy.

Page is leaving for Silver Springs next week

and she's taking over his job.

If I'd known that was how to get a promotion,

I'd have blown up the place years ago.

Terry, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we have a little fun
tonight after work?

Yeah, quit moping around.
Come with us.

- Yeah, we could go to Cole's.
- Mm-hmm.

No, thanks, you guys.

Come on.

(computer beeps)

Jack:
Knock, knock.

Knock, knock. Please.

Leave me alone.

I'm sorry.

Unavoidably delayed in London.
Queen thanks you.

Frankly, I don't give a shit about the queen.

I did give a shit about you, however.

I sat in that restaurant
feeling stupid and hurt.

I mean, what happened to you?

All you had to do was come and say "hi"

or "thanks" or something.

I mean, you just left me sitting there.

But, no, you sent me to a restaurant

with shitty breadsticks.

Sorry. I still want to take
you to dinner.

Next time I'm in London,

I'll look you up.

Careful, you'll break your glasses.

Thank you.

Where are you?

Two rows back, on the left.

Oh.

Aren't you gonna turn around?

No.

Why not?

Well, because it...

Hi, Jack.

(laughing)

I don't know how to thank you.

Don't worry.
I have a list.

What did you say about the queen?

Forget I said it.

Well, I'm sure she'll be pleased to hear it.

- I bet.
- How about that dinner?

I'm not dressed for dinner.

You look great.

Not as great as I looked the last time

I got dressed to meet you for dinner.

Yeah, man, I looked fantastic!

Then all these crazy people...

- Miss Doolittle? Never mind.
- Cynthia: Terry?

Is that him?

This is Jack.

Cynthia:
Hi, Jack!

- (applause)
- Ah!

Terry!

♪ I was born ♪

♪ In a crossfire hurricane... ♪

Fred:
Way to go, Terry!

Larry:
You're looking lovely.

You're looking spiffy.
You're looking good, mama!

♪ In the driving rain ♪

♪ Whoo, yeah ♪

♪ But it's all right now ♪

♪ In fact it's a gas ♪

♪ I said it's all right ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

♪ He's a gas, gas, gas ♪

♪ I was drowned ♪

♪ Washed up and left for dead ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I was ♪

♪ I fell down to my feet ♪

♪ And I saw they bled ♪

♪ Whoo-oo ♪

♪ I frowned at the crumbs ♪

♪ Of a crust of bread ♪

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ I was crowned ♪

♪ With a spike right through my head ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ But it's all right now ♪

♪ In fact it's a gas ♪

♪ I said it's all right ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

♪ It's a gas ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

♪ It's a gas ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

♪ It's a gas ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

♪ It's a gas ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

♪ It's a gas ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

- ♪ It's a gas ♪
- ♪ I was raised ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

- ♪ It's a gas ♪
- ♪ By a toothless ♪

- ♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪
- ♪ Bearded hag ♪

♪ It's a gas ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪

♪ It's a gas ♪

♪ I was schooled ♪

♪ With a strap right across my back ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash, it's a gas ♪

♪ I frowned at a crust of bread ♪

♪ Jumping Jack Flash, it's a gas ♪

- ♪ Jumping Jack Flash ♪
- ♪ I was crowned ♪

♪ With a spike running ♪

♪ Through my head ♪

♪ Hallelujah. ♪