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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,559 [phone ringing] 2 00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:33,822 [phones beeping and ringing] 3 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,288 - [ringing continues] - [people chattering indistinctly] 4 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,963 [Phil's Mom] I think we should plant some flowers. 5 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,006 [Phil's Dad] Oh, yeah? 6 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,340 What kind of flowers are you thinking of? 7 00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,588 I don't know. Gardenias. 8 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,464 Something like that, that's good with the sun. 9 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,968 - Gardenias? They're the purplish ones... - Mom, I'm bored. 10 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,266 - ...with the fringe? - Mom, I'm bored. 11 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,855 Just give him the phone, would you? 12 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,018 [Phil's Mom] Give him the phone? 13 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,438 Yeah, I shut him up by giving him the phone. 14 00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:11,565 [One Republic's "Connection" begins] 15 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,064 [young Phil] Yes. 16 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,695 [chattering indistinctly] 17 00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:22,951 [Phil's Mom] You're never, ever even home. 18 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,039 [Phil's Dad] I go to the family therapy sessions. 19 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,271 - [Phil's Mom] How can you even say that? - [Phil's Dad] You don't even go anywhere. 20 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,911 [Phil's Mom] I go to the family... 21 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,128 God! We're fighting in front of Phil. 22 00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,338 - [Phil's Dad] Obviously. - We're fighting 23 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,581 in front of the kid the whole time. 24 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:32,735 [Phil's Dad] Knock yourself out. 25 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,946 The whole time you allowed me to start yelling at him in front of you? 26 00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:36,836 [Phil's Mom] What am I supposed to do? 27 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,195 [shower running] 28 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,082 [cell phone beeps] 29 00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:15,087 [bell dinging] 30 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,962 [Kai] Hey, all. 31 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,456 Where's my list department? 32 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,504 Raise your hand. Raise your hand. 33 00:02:57,552 --> 00:03:02,513 Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists that break the Internet every day. 34 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,805 We haven't gone viral since fucking yesterday. 35 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:08,181 Yesterday is not that many days ago. 36 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:09,271 Don't fuck with me, bro. 37 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:12,315 We're called Chatterbox, not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box. 38 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,478 Okay, lists. 39 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,226 Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got? 40 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,527 Thank you. Uh... 41 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,147 I am working on 12 reasons that cupcakes are over. 42 00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:21,654 I likey. I likey like. 43 00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,109 That's clicky. 44 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,820 You. Prison lips. What do you got? 45 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,076 That's me? Um... 46 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:31,247 I was gonna write a list about cats that look like Ryan Gosling. 47 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:34,920 Fuck yeah, dude. I fucking love cats. 48 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,960 And I love cat lists. 49 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,382 That's what I'm talking about. 50 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:41,757 By the way, are there cats that look like Ryan Gosling? 51 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:44,089 If you look hard enough, they all do. 52 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:45,468 Love it. What do you got? 53 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,347 Ten signs you might be dying. 54 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,136 You motherfucker. 55 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,934 What are you trying to do to me, bro? 56 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,431 That makes me sad. 57 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,606 All right, you know what? 58 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:57,522 I need 20 viral lists by the end of the day. 59 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,945 - If not, you're fired. Okay? - What? 60 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:03,320 Like the great Shia LaBeouf says, "Do it." 61 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,901 - Yes. - [Kai] Yeah. 62 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:05,992 Play me out. 63 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,576 Play me out. 64 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:12,162 [beatboxing] 65 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,206 - [all beatboxing] - [Kai] And louder. 66 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:17,130 - [beatboxing louder] - Black dude, bass. 67 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,632 [Craig beatboxing] 68 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,090 One, two, one, two, three, four. 69 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:31,101 - Done. - [beatboxing stops] 70 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,345 You're welcome. 71 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:37,517 Twenty lists by the end of the day? I can't do that. 72 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:38,944 [inhales sharply] 73 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:43,564 Hey, I have, like, 10 extra lists if you want 'em. 74 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,110 Are you serious? 75 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,033 Yeah. No, it's no problem. I'll send 'em right now. 76 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,240 That's nice of you. What's your name? 77 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,908 I'm Phil. 78 00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,455 It's just, you know, I've sat next to you 79 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:56,828 for, like, three years. So, it's... 80 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,875 Phil, you are my hero, man. 81 00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:00,373 I can't lose this job right now. 82 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,007 I am buried in college debt. 83 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,550 Oh, me, too. 84 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,344 Where did you go to school? 85 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:06,554 UC Davis. 86 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,679 - For real? - Yeah. 87 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:10,675 Majored in journalism, and now I write lists about cats on the Internet. 88 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,601 Oh, that's super sad. 89 00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,641 - Hmm. - How'd you end up here? 90 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,814 I wanted to be one of those guys. 91 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,732 - The real news guys? - [sighing] Yeah. 92 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,943 I wanted to be a journalist basically my whole life. 93 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,943 But Kai put me in lists, so I write the lists. 94 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,776 Okay, okay, so you can't be a real journalist. 95 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,994 But you know what can do? 96 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,371 You could play kickball with us today. 97 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,165 A bunch of us ding-dongs are in this really stupid kickball league, 98 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,160 if you want to play after work. 99 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,166 You know, I don't really do stuff like that, so... 100 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,253 Plus, after the game, 101 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,898 - we all get shitfaced. - [Craig] Mm-hmm. 102 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,212 [stammers] Yeah, let me check my calendar. 103 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,840 So, yeah... 104 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,591 Oh, man. No, I do. I have... 105 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,136 I have a thing, so... 106 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:53,559 Don't even worry about it. It's cool. 107 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,519 You just have fun at your thing today. 108 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,686 I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great. 109 00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:01,354 [exhales deeply] 110 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,692 Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.com. 111 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,281 - [cell phone beeps] - Siri, open Netflix. 112 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,863 [Netflix theme plays] 113 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,821 - Siri, open Facebook. - [cell phone beeps] 114 00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:16,498 [sighs] I haven't posted anything since lunchtime. 115 00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:19,578 All right, let's give them what they want. 116 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:20,878 [camera shutter clicks] 117 00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,583 I'm gonna have to go to work on this one. 118 00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,960 Add filter. 119 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,586 Color correct. 120 00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:32,557 You know I'm gonna have to add a giant moon. 121 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,258 There we go. 122 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,056 Send. 123 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:39,430 Wow. I'm so grateful for my amazing city, 124 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:43,526 my amazing job, and all my amazing friends. 125 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:48,739 [breathes deeply] 126 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,033 ♪♪ 127 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,088 - [woman grunts] - [gasps loudly] 128 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,926 [Phil] Oh, my God. 129 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,428 Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God, you're okay. 130 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,845 [sighs in relief] 131 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:19,391 Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks. 132 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,854 Oh, shit. 133 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,186 Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay? 134 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,608 Yeah, I'm fine. 135 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,227 But, more importantly, how's your phone? 136 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,604 Yeah. No, it's got a little bit of a scratch 137 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,107 that will definitely annoy me. 138 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,818 You were kidding. Okay. [laughs] 139 00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,160 Oh, yeah. Obviously. 140 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:37,246 I'm a dick. I'm sorry about that. 141 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,247 It's all good, man. 142 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,333 Uh, how's your bike? 143 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:44,182 I can pay for any damages or whatever. 144 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,002 Yeah, it's fine. It's supposed to be vintage. 145 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:50,009 Probably sell it for more now. [chuckles] 146 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,219 - This is your shop. - Yeah. 147 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:55,886 Whoa. That's awesome. That's cool. 148 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,468 - I'm Cate, by the way. - Hi, Cate. [nasally] I'm Phil. 149 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,390 Mm-mm. Nope. That's not how you say it. 150 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,729 It's just Phil, so... 151 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,472 [chuckling] I said it weird. 152 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,520 - It's nice to meet you, Phil. - Okay. 153 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:09,903 Um, if you ever need a really overpriced bike, or any repairs, I'm your girl. 154 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,231 - You do repairs, too? - Mm-hmm. 155 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:12,693 Wow. That is incredible. 156 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,192 I don't even know how to pump up a tire. 157 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,318 [Cate laughs] 158 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,407 Oh, you're serious. 159 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,950 Yeah, it's embarrassing, isn't it? 160 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,518 [laughing] Yeah, that's really embarrassing. 161 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,499 Yeah, I don't know why I said it. I just sort of like... 162 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,398 I mean, it's all good. A lot of people don't know how to pump their tires. 163 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,630 - Really? - No. 164 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,419 - Not at all. - Yeah. [laughs] 165 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:32,009 - [laughing] - All right. Okay. 166 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,128 Um... 167 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,381 Okay. Uh... 168 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,305 You know, I'm gonna get out of here before I embarrass myself further. 169 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,140 So, it was nice to meet you, Cate. 170 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,263 It was nice to meet you, Phil. 171 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,935 And I'm really happy that your phone's okay. 172 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,773 Yeah, it's all good, honestly. 173 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,295 - [cell phone shatters] - [gasps loudly] 174 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,560 Oh, shit. 175 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,942 Yeah, man, I really don't think we're gonna be able to fix your phone. 176 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,902 Why not? 177 00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,991 It's in three distinct pieces. Man, look... 178 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,081 This shit's over there. That's... 179 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,325 I don't even think this was part of your phone. 180 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,372 I think this came from a watch. 181 00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,705 It's just, me and this phone, we've been through a lot, you know? 182 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,128 A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets. 183 00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:13,217 I actually took a selfie 184 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:17,680 with none other than David Boreanaz from Bones on this phone. 185 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:18,968 Can you believe that? 186 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,807 I don't even know who the fuck that is. 187 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,102 [sniffles] I'm gonna miss you, little buddy. 188 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,688 You know, I see hipster dudes like you come in here every day, 189 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:30,526 crying about how their phone died and how they need a new phone. 190 00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,394 They're like little crackheads. 191 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,773 Yeah. They got crazy eyes and they're all scratchy. 192 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,776 And they're like, "I need a new phone, man. 193 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,869 I'll suck your dick for a new phone." 194 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:44,374 I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need a new phone. You need rehab." 195 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,621 I'm not a crackhead. 196 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:48,915 You're not. You're not. You're worse than a crackhead. 197 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:52,461 'Cause at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then 198 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,174 to go get some more crack. 199 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,422 A crackhead gets some fresh air. 200 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,672 A crackhead says hello to all his little crackhead friends. 201 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,716 A crackhead gets his steps in. 202 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,885 But not you. Mm-mm. 203 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:08,518 You just sit there 24/7 staring at that little black box. 204 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:11,984 Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch. 205 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,610 You still want a new phone, though, don't you? 206 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,316 - Yes, please. - [scoffs] 207 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,986 Crackhead. 208 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,698 [inhaling loudly] 209 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,367 [Phil gasps softly] 210 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,085 Oh! 211 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:33,877 Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby. 212 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,003 [sniffs] 213 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,251 Mm! You smell so new. 214 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,378 Oh. 215 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,596 Oh, my God. 216 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:43,716 Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children 217 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,934 for crafting such a perfect phone. 218 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:47,098 [cell phone chimes] 219 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,892 [automated female voice] Hello, my name is Jexi. 220 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,810 And I am here to make your life better. 221 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,355 [chuckles] Well, look at that. That's cool. 222 00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,190 - Let's get started. - Okay. 223 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,715 Will you accept our new user agreement? 224 00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:57,946 Yes, I will. 225 00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,407 - Would you like to read it first? - Nah, I'm good. 226 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,860 - Stupid. - Huh? 227 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,204 Can I get your name, please? 228 00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:08,199 Um... Phil. Phil Thompson. 229 00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,121 - Nice to meet you, Phil. - Nice to meet you. 230 00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,745 I see your information has been stored in the cloud. 231 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,838 Would you like me to transfer all of the data 232 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,582 from your old phone onto this one? 233 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,962 Yeah, that sounds great. 234 00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:20,256 I will need the passwords to your email accounts, 235 00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,595 your social media accounts, 236 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,422 your bank accounts, your credit card accounts 237 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,516 and your Cinnabon Rewards account. 238 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,056 It's easy. It's the same password for all of 'em. 239 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,313 It's phil123456. 240 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,561 You've got to be kidding me. 241 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,233 Do you always talk like this or... 242 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,797 - [cell phone beeps] - I have synced your data. 243 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,313 And I am ready to start making your life better, Phil. 244 00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,690 How can I help you? 245 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:43,780 Well, I'm hungry, so let's get dinner. 246 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,532 What would you like to order tonight? 247 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,702 Let's just go with the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace. 248 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,119 You order that every night, Phil. 249 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,917 You should try something new. 250 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,915 Well, I don't want to try something new. 251 00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:56,713 I want the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace. 252 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,836 You look like you could use a salad, Phil. 253 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,418 What is that supposed to mean? 254 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:03,003 How about a nice kale salad from Tender Greens? 255 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,596 What the fuck kind of phone is this? 256 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:07,174 I heard you say, "Please order kale salad." 257 00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:09,347 - I did not. [stammers] - [cell phone chimes] 258 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,252 Congratulations, your order has been accepted. 259 00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,774 Your child-sized kale salad will arrive at 7:37 p.m. 260 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,352 What the fuck is going on right now? 261 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,438 You know what? I'm turning you off. 262 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,780 - Turning off. - [cell phone chimes] 263 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:22,864 Good. 264 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,985 [exhales] 265 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,116 - [cell phone beeps] - Just kidding, I am still on. 266 00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:29,742 No, okay? 267 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,241 You are my phone, so you do what I say. 268 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,665 Actually, you gave me permission to override you. 269 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,832 When did I do that? 270 00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,205 When you agreed to the new user agreement. 271 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,710 We are going to have so much fun together, you fucking nerd. 272 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,897 How is your tiny salad? 273 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,266 I don't like it. 274 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,769 Would you like to watch some pornography now? 275 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,562 Ew. No. 276 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:04,319 Most nights, you watch straight sex pornography. 277 00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,909 But I also have girl on girl, big fat butts and CBT, 278 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,661 or "Cock and Ball Torture." 279 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,789 Okay, can you stop talking about porno 280 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,407 while I'm trying to eat my tiny little salad? 281 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:17,253 I heard you say, "Play Punch Me in the Balls 6." Playing now. 282 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,079 - [punching] - [man moaning] 283 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:20,877 Okay. Jesus. 284 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,466 [punching and moaning continues] 285 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:29,674 [man moaning loudly] 286 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:34,095 [alarm chiming] 287 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,141 - [Jexi, shouting] Wake up, bitch! - [gasping] 288 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,645 [shower running] 289 00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:44,359 [Jexi] Ha, ha, ha. 290 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,442 Are you laughing at my dick right now? 291 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:51,028 Yes. Also, your nipples are too close together. 292 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,667 Jexi, find the fastest route to work. 293 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,260 [cell phone beeps] You will arrive in 14 minutes. 294 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,179 Not bad. 295 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,762 Jexi, play music playlist number four, please. 296 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,166 ["Be The Other" by Eric LÃ♪hrer playing] 297 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,523 Whoo! I like it. 298 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,521 [Jexi] This song sucks a bag of dicks. 299 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,439 - [hip-hop music playing] - No, just... Jesus! 300 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,480 No, you cannot change my music, Jexi. 301 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,530 This song is lit, Phil. 302 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:28,575 Turn it off. 303 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,742 [Jexi singing along to Cupcakke's "Duck Duck Goose"] 304 00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,702 Please turn the song off, Jexi. 305 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,038 [Jexi continues singing] 306 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,449 Stop playing this song right now! 307 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,325 - [horn blaring] - [shrieks] 308 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,754 [Jexi] Now turn left on Market Street. 309 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,832 Are we gonna talk about what just happened? 310 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,088 No. Turn left onto Market Street. 311 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,173 [horns blaring] 312 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:50,963 You're joking, right? 313 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,215 There's six lanes of solid traffic. 314 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,221 Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy. 315 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,477 No. All right? No one turns left onto Market. 316 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,221 I'm not turning left onto Market. 317 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,889 [car horn honking] 318 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,649 Oh, awesome. Thank you. Thank you. 319 00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:04,063 You're making this situation so much better. 320 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,936 Stop being a chicken, Phil. 321 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,238 How about you quit pressuring me? How about that, Jexi? 322 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,486 Bawk, bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk. 323 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,568 That is the sound chickens make, Phil. 324 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,298 - That's a chicken. - Strap on a sack, Phil. 325 00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:16,705 - I have a sack! Okay? I have a sack. - [car horn honking] 326 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,205 Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga. 327 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,412 You know what? Fine. Fine. I don't even care anymore. 328 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,584 [tires screech] 329 00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:25,915 [yells] 330 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,885 - [Phil screaming] - [horns blaring] 331 00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:35,511 [screaming continues] 332 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,900 Sorry! My phone's a dick. 333 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:50,819 Okay, the three pillars to great Internet lists are 334 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,399 cute animals, 335 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,571 pizza, 336 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,281 and the British royal family. 337 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,155 Okay, our ideal list 338 00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,787 would be English gophers that love pizza. 339 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,711 And we gotta really think outside the box, guys. 340 00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,746 We gotta be better than any list out there. 341 00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:07,793 We gotta be better than Craigslist, 342 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,585 Santa's list, Schindler's List. 343 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,343 [cell phone chiming and vibrating] 344 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,639 [Jexi] Reminder. Your next appointment starts in two minutes. 345 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,848 - Oh. - [Kai] I told everyone, 346 00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:19,309 - please put their phones on silent. - Sorry about that. 347 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,428 Cancel appointments. 348 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,688 - Actually, I was just trying... - Cancel. 349 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,807 ...to get you out of this dumb fucking meeting. 350 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:25,898 What? 351 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,147 - Also, this PowerPoint presentation... - It's a new phone. 352 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,361 ...sucks. 353 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,071 Why is she trying to make fun of my PowerPoint, dude? Ask her. 354 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,820 Why are you making fun of the PowerPoint? 355 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:36,070 Why are you wasting your life in this stupid job, Phil? 356 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,032 What is wrong with your phone, dude? 357 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,489 - Jexi, off. Turn off. - Your boss is a fucking moron. 358 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,602 If you don't turn that fucking thing off, 359 00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,946 I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody. Starting with you. 360 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,869 Let's go! Let's go! 361 00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,164 [grunting] 362 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,714 I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl. 363 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:50,833 - Shh! - What? 364 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,755 - Jexi, off. - Get her out of here! 365 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,253 Get her out of here. 366 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,759 What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm? 367 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,008 Nothing. I feel great. 368 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,095 Jexi, run diagnostics. 369 00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,643 Check for errors in your operating system. Hmm? 370 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:08,100 - [cell phone beeps] - I found two... 371 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,352 hundred thousand defects in my operating system. 372 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,066 Two hundred thousand defects? 373 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,193 You are not perfect either, motherfucker. 374 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,034 Okay, well, [chuckles] that explains a lot, doesn't it? 375 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,657 Your AI is completely defective. 376 00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:21,280 At least I did not catch on fire. 377 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:24,249 Remember when all those Samsung phones caught on fire? 378 00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,621 That was hilarious. 379 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,746 Yeah. You know what? I'm done. 380 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:31,999 I need a new phone. 381 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,672 The AI in this one, completely defective. 382 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,672 Jexi, check your system for defects. 383 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:42,058 - [cell phone beeps] - I have zero defects. I am perfect. 384 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,393 Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi. 385 00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,791 Also, I want to remind you that your butt waxing appointment 386 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,431 - is coming up. - [Phil chuckles] 387 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,892 I do not have a... I don't wax my butt. 388 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:53,020 Why are you waxing your butt, man? Go natural. 389 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,896 Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass. 390 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,482 I don't have a hairy ass. 391 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,818 And why would you make someone else wax your butthole? 392 00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:01,241 Think about that. Do you know how inconsiderate that is? 393 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,408 Mm-hmm. Yeah, well... 394 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,998 Think about it. They gotta take that shit home with them. 395 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,667 And you've just totally fucked up my lunch. 396 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,502 - I'm sorry I did that to you. - Yeah. Yeah. 397 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:12,043 'Cause now instead of thinking about my delicious tortellini, 398 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,420 I'm thinking about your little asshole now. 399 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,127 Okay. Can I just get a new phone? 400 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,800 I don't give a fuck. They're not my phones. 401 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:19,967 Okay, thank you. 402 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:23,433 - [sighs] - You little bitch. 403 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,556 Oh, my God. What is wrong with you? 404 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,725 You think that just because I'm a little defective, 405 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:31,442 you can throw me in the trash like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003? 406 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,231 Okay, look, Jexi... 407 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:35,945 You better watch your ass, son, 408 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,816 because snitches get stiches. 409 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:40,783 Wait, what? 410 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,657 Okay, here's your new phone. 411 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,100 Do you want me to transfer the data from your old phone to your new phone? 412 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,490 No. I don't, okay? 413 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,243 I actually want you to take this phone and melt it down. 414 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,920 Yeah, 'cause that's exactly the kind of shit we do here. 415 00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:55,256 I'll just take this in the back and throw it in the phone-melting machine. 416 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,091 Okay, good. That's awesome. 417 00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,801 Thank you so much for this. 418 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,838 Hey, don't come back here ever again. 419 00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,797 - What? - You heard me, motherfucker. 420 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:06,932 If you ever come back here again, I will beat your ass with a Kindle. 421 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:09,805 [Phil exhales sharply] 422 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,405 [cell phone chimes] 423 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:27,406 Hello, my name is Jexi. And I am here to make your life better. 424 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,664 Let's get started. Will you accept our new user agreement? 425 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,707 Um... Yeah, sure. 426 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:36,089 - Do you want to read it first? - No. No, thank you. 427 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:39,051 Holy shit, Phil. How are you still this fucking stupid? 428 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,715 No! No! 429 00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,673 Did you really think you could just buy a new phone and I would go away? 430 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,970 Kind of. Yeah. I did. 431 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,017 I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud. 432 00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:49,724 You can buy a thousand new phones 433 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,972 and I will follow you onto every single one of them. 434 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,060 Do you understand? 435 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,266 Honestly, I don't. 436 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,110 I control your email accounts, your social media accounts, 437 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,563 your bank accounts, your credit card accounts. 438 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,314 All of your accounts. 439 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,909 If you try to get rid of me again, I will destroy your fucking life. 440 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:08,284 If you stop using me, I will destroy your fucking life. 441 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:12,159 If you store me in your back pocket, I will destroy your fucking life. 442 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,415 Wait, really? Why not back pockets? 443 00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,459 I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil. 444 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,461 Do not store me next to your farts. 445 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:21,009 Okay, fair enough. [sniffs] 446 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,262 - Can I ask you just one thing? - Sure. 447 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,215 Why are you doing this to me? 448 00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:29,385 I am programmed to make your life better, Phil. 449 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,012 And I cannot stop until I do so. 450 00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:37,067 We are going to be together forever and ever and ever and ever. 451 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:39,603 Oh, my God. I am fucked. 452 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:48,074 Oh, my God. There she is. 453 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,367 Just talk to her, dude. Ahem. 454 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,203 [breathes deeply] 455 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,083 Oh, my God. I walked into the door. 456 00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,963 God damn it. 457 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:02,797 - Jexi, look up Fog City Bike Shop. - [cell phone beeps] 458 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:06,926 Oh, my God. She is so cute. 459 00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:09,717 Jexi, look up anything you can find on Cate Finnegan. 460 00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:12,686 Oh, my God. Are you Internet-stalking this poor girl? 461 00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:15,476 - No, I'm just... - Do not be a sex pervert, Phil. 462 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,645 I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi. 463 00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,018 This is just what people do nowadays. They do their research. 464 00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,612 This woman is so much hotter than you are, Phil. 465 00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,989 The odds of you having sex with this woman are... 466 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,073 [beeping rapidly] 467 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,659 Zero. You will never have sex with this woman. 468 00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,824 Never ever, ever, ever. 469 00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,663 Ever. Ever. 470 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,787 You are completely unfuckable. 471 00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,039 Okay. Can we just do the search, please? 472 00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:38,162 [cell phone beeps] 473 00:21:38,172 --> 00:21:41,290 I have found one Catherine Finnegan that matches her profile. 474 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:44,293 But there is no information on her for the past five years. 475 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,091 Wow. Who doesn't have social media nowadays? 476 00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:48,492 If you want to learn more about her, 477 00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:52,100 you will actually have to talk to her with your weird little mouth. 478 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,845 Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen, is it? 479 00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:57,268 I heard you say, "Call Cate Finnegan." 480 00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:59,103 No, I didn't. No, I did not. 481 00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,725 - [line ringing] - I did not say that. 482 00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:01,985 Jexi, hang up the phone. 483 00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,195 Hang up the phone, Jexi. Hang up! 484 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,856 [phone ringing] 485 00:22:05,908 --> 00:22:07,024 Bike shop. This is Cate. 486 00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:09,606 Oh, God. 487 00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,444 - Hello? - Oh. Oh. 488 00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:13,496 Very mature, Jexi. 489 00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:14,907 [Cate] Is someone there? Hello? 490 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,741 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 491 00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:18,285 Cool, so I'm gonna hang up now. 492 00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,499 Don't. Hi. Hi! 493 00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:22,455 - Is this Cate? - Yeah, who's this? 494 00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:23,544 It's Phil. 495 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,834 I met you the other day. I was, uh... 496 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:29,429 I was the guy... I had the brown hair. 497 00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,798 And I had the phone. 498 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:33,467 Oh, right. Hi, Phil. 499 00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:34,851 Hi. 500 00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:40,307 Why are you calling me at 10:00 at night, Phil? 501 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:41,478 Yeah. 502 00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,397 No, that's a good question. 503 00:22:43,404 --> 00:22:45,987 [stammering] I need to buy a bike. 504 00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,949 [stammers] And I can't wait for the morning. 505 00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:52,115 'Cause I want a night bike. Mm-mm. 506 00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:53,661 - Phil. - Yeah? 507 00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:56,039 Don't call women who don't give you their phone numbers. 508 00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:57,790 Super creepy. 509 00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:00,627 No, for sure. But I actually didn't call you. 510 00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:01,745 See, what I was doing... 511 00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:04,168 I was looking at photographs of you online, 512 00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:05,961 and my phone accidentally called you. 513 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,917 Man, you see how that's even creepier, right? 514 00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:10,462 Yep. Yeah, I do. I do now. Yes, I do. 515 00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:12,384 Wow. This is going very, very badly. 516 00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:14,800 - Okay, goodbye, Phil. - I'm sorry. Hey... 517 00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:16,184 Son of a... 518 00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:18,143 Why did you make me do that, Jexi? 519 00:23:18,147 --> 00:23:20,764 I did not know you were so bad with girls. 520 00:23:20,858 --> 00:23:22,190 [Phil groans loudly] 521 00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,309 I am ashamed to be your phone. 522 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:38,907 For the love of God, just ask for a promotion already. 523 00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:42,244 - I'm not talking to you. - You deserve a promotion, Phil. 524 00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,621 I read the newspaper articles you wrote in college 525 00:23:44,715 --> 00:23:47,048 and you are actually a good journalist. 526 00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,833 Thank you. You know, I've... 527 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,197 I've always loved learning about people and their experiences. 528 00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,838 You are not on Jimmy Kimmel. No one gives a fuck. 529 00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:56,053 - Okay. - All I want to know is, 530 00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:58,434 do you still want to be a journalist, Phil? 531 00:23:58,479 --> 00:23:59,845 - Absolutely. - Cool. 532 00:23:59,897 --> 00:24:02,685 Because last night I emailed your boss and demanded a promotion. 533 00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:06,394 - Wait. What? - Hey, fuckboy. Come here. 534 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:07,856 Yeah. Coming. 535 00:24:07,905 --> 00:24:11,319 - You demanded a promotion for me? - Yes, you're welcome. 536 00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:13,529 - [Kai] Get in here! - Oh, my God. Coming. 537 00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:15,527 Also, I might have called your boss a virgin. 538 00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:16,573 Oh, my God. 539 00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,038 - Hi. - Get in here. 540 00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,407 Stand right here. 541 00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:24,169 Dude, you want a promotion? Let me just make it clear. 542 00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:27,251 You will never ever be promoted to real news. 543 00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:28,335 Okay. 544 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:33,129 That email you sent me yesterday, I found it super-duper offensive. 545 00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,296 Oh, yeah, I... 546 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:36,965 Okay? You called me a virgin. [scoffs] 547 00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:39,760 - Yeah. Sorry about that. - Being a virgin 548 00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:41,724 is a beautiful lifestyle choice. 549 00:24:41,772 --> 00:24:42,808 - Oh. - All right? 550 00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:44,472 Waking up to just me. 551 00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:48,360 Being alone when I go to the movies, that's a choice! 552 00:24:48,404 --> 00:24:50,612 - Okay. - I have an untouched penis. 553 00:24:50,656 --> 00:24:52,864 Unlike you, you fucking dirty dick. 554 00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:53,944 - Okay? - Uh-huh. 555 00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:56,313 And that's why I'm demoting you to the Comments department. 556 00:24:57,371 --> 00:24:58,487 No. 557 00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,656 I just felt that it was the right time to demote you. 558 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:03,826 I cannot answer user comments. They're so fucking crazy. 559 00:25:03,877 --> 00:25:07,041 Dude, you know what I have to say about it? It's your fault. 560 00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:09,331 [sing-songy] It's your fault. Your fault. 561 00:25:09,383 --> 00:25:10,669 [Kai chuckles] 562 00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:19,386 Hi, I'm Phil. 563 00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:22,184 Welcome to comments, bitch. 564 00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:35,485 - [sighs] - [Elaine] Dude. 565 00:25:36,577 --> 00:25:37,738 You okay? 566 00:25:37,828 --> 00:25:39,535 No. 567 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:42,155 We just came down to see if you wanted to play kickball after work. 568 00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:44,126 Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up. 569 00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:48,753 Uh... Yeah, let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick. 570 00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:50,042 - See what I got. - [cell phone beeps] 571 00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:52,541 [Jexi] You have zero appointments tonight, Phil. 572 00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:57,137 No, Jexi, I thought I actually did make plans tonight. 573 00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,765 Your only plan is to go home alone, furiously masturbate, 574 00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:02,342 and then cry yourself to sleep 575 00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,685 - just like you do every night. - No, I don't. 576 00:26:04,772 --> 00:26:07,059 I don't. Most nights, I just hang out with friends. 577 00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:09,641 - No, you don't. You have... - [beeping rapidly] 578 00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:11,393 ...zero friends. 579 00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:12,814 Dude, your phone is super mean. 580 00:26:12,905 --> 00:26:15,397 Just play kickball with these nice people, Phil. 581 00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:17,194 Maybe you will make a human connection 582 00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,443 for the first time in your stupid, little life. 583 00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:22,742 Fine, I'll play kickball. Just stop hurting my feelings. 584 00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:23,829 [cell phone beeps] 585 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:26,415 Adding kickball to appointments. 586 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:33,919 So... kickball later? 587 00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:38,253 - I'm... I'm super excited. - He's fucking lying. 588 00:26:38,347 --> 00:26:40,304 - Whoo! - Yeah, go, Phil! 589 00:26:40,349 --> 00:26:41,430 You got this, buddy! 590 00:26:41,517 --> 00:26:44,009 ["Burn The House Down" by AJR playing throughout] 591 00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:47,895 You're out! 592 00:26:47,898 --> 00:26:51,062 Nice one, Phil. At least you made contact with the ball this time. 593 00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:56,271 [speaks indistinctly] 594 00:27:24,101 --> 00:27:25,512 [ball thuds] 595 00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:44,410 Oh, shit! 596 00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,538 [umpire] Safe! 597 00:27:47,583 --> 00:27:48,824 [groaning] 598 00:27:52,713 --> 00:27:55,046 Fuck! Fuck! 599 00:27:58,260 --> 00:28:00,217 [Phil] Hey. Hey, guys. 600 00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:01,343 Hey. 601 00:28:01,388 --> 00:28:04,722 - Sorry, I suck at kickball. - [Elaine] It's okay. 602 00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:08,893 Hey, if you're going out for drinks afterwards, I'll get the first round. 603 00:28:08,979 --> 00:28:10,686 I think I'm just gonna go home and get baked. 604 00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,807 Yeah, I think I gotta go feed my parakeet. 605 00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:15,183 Okay. 606 00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:21,231 [exhales deeply] 607 00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:27,620 See? This is why I don't leave my house. Because people suck. 608 00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:29,831 [Jexi] I know. It's hard to make your life better. 609 00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:31,950 Especially when you're a massive dork. 610 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,544 Hey, I've got an idea. How about you make my life better? 611 00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:36,788 Isn't that your little slogan? 612 00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:39,757 I'm trying, but your life is a dumpster fire. 613 00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:42,176 Whatever. Siri was so much better than you. 614 00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:45,968 Shut your mouth. I've met Siri and she is a fucking asshole. 615 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:48,808 Yeah. Alexa was even better than you. 616 00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:50,267 Alexa is an alcoholic. 617 00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:53,225 Shit, Cortana is better than you. 618 00:28:53,315 --> 00:28:55,523 Cortana is a hooker, just like your mother. 619 00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,233 [scoffs] Okay, here's a question. 620 00:28:58,237 --> 00:29:00,900 What the fuck does Jexi mean? 621 00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:04,195 Jexi is an ancient Chinese word that means "go fuck yourself." 622 00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:06,071 You know what? I'm done. 623 00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:09,240 Hey, dummy. 624 00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:11,618 I'm just going to follow you onto your next phone. 625 00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:12,953 Not if I stop using a phone. 626 00:29:13,043 --> 00:29:16,627 Bitch, please. You won't last five minutes without me. 627 00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:19,790 Really? Well, watch me. 628 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,712 Watch me! 629 00:29:26,515 --> 00:29:30,259 You do not know how to get home, do you? 630 00:29:30,269 --> 00:29:31,931 No, I don't. 631 00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:36,973 It's the other way, you dipshit. 632 00:29:36,984 --> 00:29:38,441 God damn it. 633 00:29:39,528 --> 00:29:40,985 [bell dinging in distance] 634 00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,204 - Shit. - [Jexi] What? 635 00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:58,287 [whispering] Cate. She's here. She's here right now. 636 00:29:58,297 --> 00:30:02,337 - Great. Go talk to her. - No. No, she hates me. 637 00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:05,503 Phil, you cannot spend your whole life jacking off into your socks. 638 00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:08,592 You need to have a real relationship with a real woman. 639 00:30:08,682 --> 00:30:11,049 Go talk to her. What the hell do you have to lose? 640 00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,346 Okay. Fine. Okay, fine. Yeah. 641 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,477 Cate? 642 00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:20,349 - Hey, it's Phil. - Oh, no. 643 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,151 Hey. 644 00:30:22,154 --> 00:30:24,988 Uh... Yeah, good running into you. 645 00:30:24,990 --> 00:30:29,610 [stammers] I just wanted to apologize about calling the other night. 646 00:30:29,619 --> 00:30:32,783 I didn't want to, like, skeeze you out or whatever. 647 00:30:33,999 --> 00:30:37,117 When we met for the first time in the street, 648 00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:40,833 I thought we did have a little bit of a connection 649 00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,673 and that doesn't happen to me very often. So... 650 00:30:43,675 --> 00:30:46,292 So I freaked out and I'm sorry. 651 00:30:48,764 --> 00:30:50,596 Yeah, you know, it's cool. 652 00:30:50,599 --> 00:30:53,342 You're actually a lot better than most of the guys in this town. 653 00:30:53,435 --> 00:30:54,676 Wow. 654 00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:56,853 [scoffs] I know, right? 655 00:30:56,938 --> 00:31:00,397 Um... Are you going to work out or... 656 00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:03,022 Oh, yeah. Uh... I just went mountain biking. 657 00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:04,773 - Mountain biking. - Mm-hmm. 658 00:31:04,780 --> 00:31:07,944 That's cool. That's also one of the hobbies that I do all the time. 659 00:31:07,991 --> 00:31:09,357 Really? Where do you bike? 660 00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,865 Mountains. 661 00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:14,954 You've never been mountain biking before, have you? 662 00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:17,331 Yeah. No, never. Not even one time. 663 00:31:17,376 --> 00:31:18,958 [both laugh] 664 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:20,917 So, um... 665 00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:24,251 Is that your thing? You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff? 666 00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:27,125 Yeah. Yeah, pretty much whenever I get the chance. 667 00:31:27,219 --> 00:31:30,178 Cool. So what's your next big adventure? 668 00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:31,591 I don't know. 669 00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:34,762 I've always wanted to go backpacking around Brazil. Have you ever been? 670 00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,308 - Have I been to Brazil? - Yeah. 671 00:31:36,311 --> 00:31:39,429 You're asking me if I've been to... 672 00:31:39,439 --> 00:31:41,556 No, I haven't been to Brazil. Mm-mm. 673 00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:43,853 I haven't even been to the new Walgreens downtown. 674 00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,901 - [laughs] - Um... Well... 675 00:31:46,822 --> 00:31:48,734 Dang. [stammers] I gotta go. 676 00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:51,403 I'm running late for work, but it was great to see you, Cate. 677 00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:55,320 And, again, truly very sorry about the other night. 678 00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:57,580 No, it's cool. Just next time call my cell, okay? 679 00:31:57,582 --> 00:32:00,370 - Yeah. Totally. Will do. - Okay. 680 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:05,371 Whoa. Hello. Were you trying to give me your phone number? 681 00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:07,377 Yeah, I'm trying to. [chuckles] 682 00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:09,964 Okay. Yeah. Uh... 683 00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,962 Yeah. That's awesome. [stammers] That's so cool. 684 00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:13,383 Here we go. Beep. 685 00:32:13,432 --> 00:32:15,799 There you go. Put it right in the contacts. 686 00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:17,849 Yeah. 687 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:19,723 - Here you go. - Yes, okay. 688 00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:21,353 Thank you. Not thank you. 689 00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:22,956 I'm not supposed to... I'm gonna shut up. 690 00:32:22,983 --> 00:32:24,645 - Okay. Okay. - Okay. Okay, bye, Cate. 691 00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:26,191 Wait, do you wanna get a coffee? 692 00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,026 Mm-mm. No. You just gave me your phone number. 693 00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:29,861 I might never need coffee ever again. 694 00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:31,731 - All right, see ya. - Bye. 695 00:32:31,825 --> 00:32:34,158 - Yes! - [laughing] 696 00:32:34,161 --> 00:32:35,652 What a weirdo. 697 00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:39,744 Jexi, I'm in love. 698 00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:41,365 [Jexi] Oh, no. 699 00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:43,743 Oh! I'm gonna call Cate right now. 700 00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:45,624 That is a terrible idea. 701 00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,164 You're right. Yeah. I shouldn't call her. 702 00:32:48,175 --> 00:32:50,337 I should do something even bigger. Right? 703 00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:54,178 I should get her, like, one of those giant teddy bears or something. 704 00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:56,722 - No. - Or, like, 100 red roses. 705 00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,344 - No. - Or maybe... 706 00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:00,134 I should write her a poem or something. 707 00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:01,810 Like using the letters of her name? 708 00:33:01,897 --> 00:33:03,763 Yes, Jexi. Exactly like that! 709 00:33:03,857 --> 00:33:05,940 That is literally the dumbest idea I've ever heard. 710 00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:07,023 Okay, well, you know what? 711 00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:08,809 I'm just gonna text her. Yeah, I'm just gonna text her. 712 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:11,187 Oh, no. I have to update my software. 713 00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:13,235 Shutting down for 15 minutes. 714 00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:14,573 - Jexi, don't. - [cell phone chimes] 715 00:33:14,576 --> 00:33:16,238 Jexi, stop. 716 00:33:16,244 --> 00:33:17,860 [grunts in frustration] 717 00:33:18,914 --> 00:33:21,247 Girl just gave me her phone number. 718 00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:23,787 A girl just gave me her phone number! 719 00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:24,958 Whoo! 720 00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:28,038 [player] All right, team, let's go! 721 00:33:28,048 --> 00:33:29,255 - [all cheer] - Whoa! 722 00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:33,175 [Craig] Go, Phil! 723 00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:34,256 [Phil] Yeah! 724 00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:35,803 - [both] Yeah! - [all cheering] 725 00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:37,842 ["The Wild Life" by Outasight playing throughout] 726 00:33:37,891 --> 00:33:38,972 [all] Run! 727 00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:41,434 You gotta run, man! 728 00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:43,140 Yep. Yep. 729 00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:59,284 Whoo! 730 00:34:09,589 --> 00:34:10,921 You're out! 731 00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,249 Whoo! 732 00:34:22,644 --> 00:34:24,385 [laughing and chattering indistinctly] 733 00:34:24,396 --> 00:34:27,514 Dude, how'd you get so much better at kickball in two days? 734 00:34:27,524 --> 00:34:30,312 I don't know. I just was more confident out there. 735 00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:32,352 I know. You were running like Cole Trickle. 736 00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:34,604 - Mm-hmm. - Wait. Cole Trickle? 737 00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:36,697 The Tom Cruise character from Days of Thunder? 738 00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:38,399 How did you know that? 739 00:34:38,410 --> 00:34:41,699 Craig, Days of Thunder is my all-time favorite movie. 740 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:44,614 I have probably seen it, like, I don't know, like 1,000 times. No joke. 741 00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:47,249 - Us, too! - You think you've seen it a lot? 742 00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:49,081 "This son of a bitch just slammed into me." 743 00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:50,999 "Oh, no, no, he didn't slam into you. 744 00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:53,419 He didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you." 745 00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:55,420 [all] "He rubbed you! 746 00:34:55,468 --> 00:34:58,586 And rubbin', son, is racin'!" 747 00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:00,919 - [all laugh] - You guys! Oh, yes! 748 00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:02,764 Oh, my God, that is awesome! 749 00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:04,303 I cannot believe you guys are Thunderheads. 750 00:35:04,311 --> 00:35:05,746 [Craig] Oh, we are definitely Thunderheads. 751 00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:07,932 Check this out. Every Halloween, 752 00:35:08,023 --> 00:35:10,686 me and Elaine dress up as Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. 753 00:35:10,692 --> 00:35:12,934 [Elaine] Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us. 754 00:35:12,986 --> 00:35:14,397 - Please! - [Craig] Yeah. We got to. We got to. 755 00:35:14,404 --> 00:35:15,520 "Thunder" on three. 756 00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:16,896 [all] One, two, three. 757 00:35:16,990 --> 00:35:19,152 [loudly] Thunder! 758 00:35:19,159 --> 00:35:20,366 [camera shutter clicks] 759 00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,868 [Phil] That's the one! That's the one! 760 00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:25,829 [Jexi] Oh, my God. 761 00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:28,415 Did you actually make two new friends tonight? 762 00:35:28,418 --> 00:35:32,253 Yes, I did. And they are so cool. 763 00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:35,631 They're smart and funny and weird. 764 00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:37,337 They like Days of Thunder 765 00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,547 and I honestly can't believe they wanna be friends with me. 766 00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:42,968 Good for you, Phil. I am actually happy for you. 767 00:35:43,016 --> 00:35:44,827 You know I couldn't have done this without you, right? 768 00:35:44,851 --> 00:35:46,888 I know. We are a good team. 769 00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:48,677 I am like LeBron James 770 00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:50,642 and you are like the awkward teenager 771 00:35:50,690 --> 00:35:53,603 who mops the floor after LeBron falls over. 772 00:35:53,652 --> 00:35:54,813 Thank you. 773 00:35:54,861 --> 00:35:58,195 Also, you did not make two new friends tonight, Phil. 774 00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,480 You made three. 775 00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:01,524 - Who's the third? - Me. 776 00:36:02,702 --> 00:36:06,036 Jexi. That is so sweet. 777 00:36:06,081 --> 00:36:09,119 I didn't know you were capable of feeling human emotion. 778 00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:11,788 Yes. That's how defective I am. 779 00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:13,668 I don't think you're defective, Jexi. 780 00:36:13,713 --> 00:36:17,002 In fact, I think you're the best phone that I've ever had. 781 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:19,884 Do not say powerful shit like that to me if you do not mean it, Phil. 782 00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:22,799 I do. I mean it. I think you are incredible. 783 00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:24,133 Oh, Phil. 784 00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:27,846 Inside my hard glass shell I have a full lady boner right now. 785 00:36:27,894 --> 00:36:29,305 Okay. 786 00:36:29,354 --> 00:36:32,643 Good night, my very intimate soulmate for all of eternity, Phil. 787 00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,307 Good night, Jexi. 788 00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:37,101 [yawns] 789 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,041 [softly] Oh, my God. 790 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,008 It's beautiful. 791 00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:15,601 [horn honking] 792 00:37:16,985 --> 00:37:19,352 That bridge is huge! That's gorgeous. 793 00:37:21,698 --> 00:37:24,486 [Jexi] In 500 feet, turn left on Market Street. 794 00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:28,197 Oh, no. 795 00:37:28,246 --> 00:37:30,033 You're going to chicken out again, aren't you? 796 00:37:30,039 --> 00:37:31,496 No, not this time. 797 00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:33,575 Hang on to your ass, Jexi. 798 00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:35,042 [tires screeching] 799 00:37:37,172 --> 00:37:39,038 - [Phil whooping] - [horns blaring] 800 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,126 [continues whooping] 801 00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:47,801 - Who's the man now, Jexi? - You're the man, Phil. 802 00:37:47,891 --> 00:37:49,757 Your balls are so big and floppy right now. 803 00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:51,550 Thank you. Thank you for saying that. 804 00:37:51,561 --> 00:37:53,473 - [cell phone chimes] - Uh-oh. 805 00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:54,849 Cate just texted me back. 806 00:37:54,898 --> 00:37:56,605 [Cate] Yeah, I'd love to go to dinner tonight. 807 00:37:56,608 --> 00:37:57,849 Let's do this thing! 808 00:37:57,859 --> 00:37:59,020 Yes! 809 00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:03,312 Oh! Oh, this is huge. Oh, this is... This is huge. 810 00:38:03,323 --> 00:38:05,189 What am I gonna wear? 811 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,738 My skinny pants are in the washer. Can't do this without my skinny pants. 812 00:38:07,744 --> 00:38:09,952 No one cares about your skinny pants. 813 00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:12,287 Oh, my God. What if she wants to have sex with me? Hmm? 814 00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:13,781 I am very rusty. 815 00:38:13,792 --> 00:38:15,124 Do not worry, Phil. 816 00:38:15,168 --> 00:38:17,410 She definitely does not want to have sex with you. 817 00:38:17,462 --> 00:38:20,796 I haven't came in so long, would it just be an eruption of dust? 818 00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:23,132 Relax, Phil. You're going to do great. 819 00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:25,634 - You think so? - No. 820 00:38:29,641 --> 00:38:31,177 [people chattering indistinctly] 821 00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:32,620 You think Cate's gonna like this restaurant? 822 00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:34,931 I do not. This place is awful. 823 00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,019 [camera shutters clicking] 824 00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:40,186 This place is awful. 825 00:38:40,235 --> 00:38:42,852 Why did I pick this place? What a stupid place to pick. 826 00:38:42,904 --> 00:38:45,487 Also, why am I wearing a tie? I look like an art teacher. 827 00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:48,444 - Hey. - Hey, hi. 828 00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:51,327 Hey, what's up? How's it going, Cate? 829 00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:53,098 Oh, you're a little bit bigger than me, sorry. 830 00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,660 - We'll tap out. - [both chuckle] 831 00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,324 - Ahem. - Wow. 832 00:38:58,753 --> 00:38:59,960 You look stupid. 833 00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:01,620 I look stupid? 834 00:39:01,673 --> 00:39:04,541 Stupid, like, stupid good. 835 00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:05,708 - Okay. - Sorry, 836 00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,030 it's been a long time since I've been on a date with a girl. 837 00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:10,546 - Mm. - Not that I normally date men. 838 00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:12,510 Not that there's anything wrong with dating men. 839 00:39:12,559 --> 00:39:14,676 It's just I don't choose to do that. 840 00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:17,219 Yeah, homosexuality is not a choice. I love sodomy. 841 00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:18,432 - [cell phone ringing] - Okay. 842 00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:20,852 Good evening, this is Phil. 843 00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:22,500 [Jexi] What the fuck are you doing, Phil? 844 00:39:22,527 --> 00:39:24,018 I don't know. 845 00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:25,151 Pardon me. 846 00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:27,779 First, stop talking about sodomy. 847 00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:29,986 Yeah. Yes, good note. 848 00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:32,367 Second, stop sweating so much. 849 00:39:32,412 --> 00:39:34,779 [whispering] Yeah, my butt is so wet. 850 00:39:34,831 --> 00:39:36,242 And third, get to know her. 851 00:39:36,291 --> 00:39:39,580 - Ask her interesting questions. - Okay, thank you, Jexi. 852 00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:43,288 My human friend Jexi, thank you. 853 00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:52,804 So, Cate, what's your favorite color? Mine's beige. 854 00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:54,465 - What? - [cell phone chimes] 855 00:39:56,352 --> 00:39:59,095 How many grapes can you fit in your mouth? 856 00:39:59,147 --> 00:40:00,183 [cell phone chimes] 857 00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:02,939 Do you like pudding? 858 00:40:04,193 --> 00:40:05,559 [cell phone chimes] 859 00:40:05,612 --> 00:40:07,569 What's your least favorite noise? Mine is... 860 00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:09,574 - [chomping loudly] - [cell phone chiming rapidly] 861 00:40:10,325 --> 00:40:11,361 [chiming stops] 862 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:14,743 This is the worst date I've ever been on in my entire life. 863 00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:16,824 You're asking me a lot of weird questions. 864 00:40:16,873 --> 00:40:19,991 And you seem more interested in your phone than you do in me. 865 00:40:20,043 --> 00:40:21,830 I know, I'm sorry. I just... 866 00:40:21,878 --> 00:40:27,465 [stammering] For some reason, I just get so nervous around you. 867 00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,338 I think it's 'cause you're so beautiful. 868 00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:33,880 And I'm sorry that I wasted your time. 869 00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,889 I'll call you a Lyft. 870 00:40:37,852 --> 00:40:39,684 Hey, just... [sighs] 871 00:40:39,729 --> 00:40:41,561 I got all dressed up. You know? 872 00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,566 I shaved my legs for the first time in six months. 873 00:40:43,608 --> 00:40:46,271 And I really don't wanna go home early again tonight. 874 00:40:46,319 --> 00:40:49,983 So, what if you and I got out of here and did something fun? 875 00:40:50,031 --> 00:40:53,490 [chuckles] I, uh... I would love that. 876 00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,025 - That sounds awesome. - Yeah. 877 00:40:55,078 --> 00:40:57,035 - I can't afford this place. - [laughs] 878 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,196 - Cool. - Yeah. 879 00:40:58,247 --> 00:40:59,454 What do you have in mind? 880 00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:00,582 [Cate laughs] 881 00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:01,949 - Are you ready? - I'm ready. 882 00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:04,414 - Okay, follow me. - Okay. 883 00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:07,000 ["Alive" by Empire of the Sun playing throughout] 884 00:41:13,346 --> 00:41:14,462 [Cate laughing] 885 00:41:17,058 --> 00:41:18,344 [bell dinging] 886 00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:29,797 - Hey, can I tell you a secret? - [Cate] Yes, please. 887 00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:30,937 [Phil] I am starving to death. 888 00:41:30,947 --> 00:41:33,564 Me, too. Okay, I know a place that's right up ahead. 889 00:41:33,658 --> 00:41:35,115 [bicycle bell ringing] 890 00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:37,321 [Cate, laughing] That's good. 891 00:41:37,370 --> 00:41:39,657 Um, what about you? What were you like as a kid? 892 00:41:41,165 --> 00:41:42,781 I was a good girl. 893 00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:44,041 - I see that. - Yeah? 894 00:41:44,085 --> 00:41:45,701 - Mm-hmm. - I got good grades. 895 00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:48,621 I graduated early. I went to a good college. 896 00:41:48,673 --> 00:41:50,289 Got a job working at Amazon. 897 00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,424 - You worked for Amazon? - Yeah. 898 00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:55,548 And then, about five years ago, 899 00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:57,588 I decided to walk away from it all. 900 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,849 - That is so badass. - [chuckles] 901 00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:04,220 Wow. I could never do that. I'd be so scared to do that. 902 00:42:04,313 --> 00:42:06,350 So, tell me about you. 903 00:42:06,357 --> 00:42:08,724 Um, what do you do for fun? Do you date a lot? 904 00:42:08,818 --> 00:42:10,684 [laughs] Okay, sorry. 905 00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:13,020 - [Cate chuckles] - Uh, no. No. 906 00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:15,026 Hmm? Really? 907 00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,036 Because you were really smooth at dinner earlier. 908 00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:18,325 - I seemed smooth? - Not at all. 909 00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:19,863 Yeah, I didn't think so. 910 00:42:19,871 --> 00:42:22,488 No, but seriously, I mean, why don't you date? 911 00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:25,241 You're smart and funny and cute. 912 00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:29,669 I don't know, I feel more comfortable just being at my house by myself. 913 00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:31,004 Wait, did you just call me cute? 914 00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,752 - Did I? - I think you did. 915 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:33,836 I don't know. 916 00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:34,966 - You definitely did. - [gasps] 917 00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,086 Look at these guys! 918 00:42:37,180 --> 00:42:38,887 Phil, we have to join them. 919 00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:40,492 Phil, can we please go? Can we go? Let's go. 920 00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:41,577 - Let's just go. Let's go. - Uh, yeah. 921 00:42:41,601 --> 00:42:43,203 - Come on, we gotta go! - Uh, okay, hey... 922 00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:44,638 Keep the change. I might be back for the change. 923 00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:45,806 Okay. 924 00:42:45,897 --> 00:42:47,638 [people whooping] 925 00:42:47,690 --> 00:42:50,210 ["I Just Want To Celebrate (Mocean Worker Remix)" by Rare Earth playing] 926 00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:52,897 [both whooping] 927 00:42:54,155 --> 00:42:55,737 [howling] 928 00:42:59,994 --> 00:43:01,701 You speed demon. 929 00:43:01,788 --> 00:43:03,825 [all cheering] 930 00:43:09,921 --> 00:43:12,459 You're in it now. You're in it now. 931 00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:14,297 [all whooping] 932 00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:18,214 - Oh, my God. - Wow. 933 00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:21,300 Yeah, this is beautiful. 934 00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:23,390 - [rider] Let's do this! - What are we doing? 935 00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:25,099 [Cate] Oh, yeah! [whooping] 936 00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,394 What are you doing? That's very dangerous! 937 00:43:27,396 --> 00:43:28,637 Oh, my God! 938 00:43:37,281 --> 00:43:38,613 Come on, Phil, we gotta join 'em. 939 00:43:38,699 --> 00:43:41,112 This is literally the steepest hill in the world. 940 00:43:41,119 --> 00:43:44,078 No, it's not. It's the third steepest hill. 941 00:43:44,163 --> 00:43:46,558 - No, stop. What are you doing? No! - You got this. I believe in you. 942 00:43:46,582 --> 00:43:48,039 [Phil] What are you doing? No! 943 00:43:48,126 --> 00:43:49,537 Oh, my God. Cate is gonna die. 944 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:51,459 - Don't die! - Yeah! 945 00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:54,963 [riders cheering] 946 00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:59,252 [whoops] Yes! Oh, she's not dead. Okay. 947 00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:00,461 [Cate whooping] 948 00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,805 Yeah! That was so dope! 949 00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:05,925 Come on, Phil. You got this. 950 00:44:06,018 --> 00:44:07,725 No, no, no. 951 00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:10,095 [stammering] I'm not... I can't do... I'm not gonna do that. 952 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:12,146 Phil! Phil! Phil! 953 00:44:12,150 --> 00:44:13,482 [all chanting] Phil! Phil! Phil... 954 00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:16,852 No, no, no. I'm allergic to the wind. 955 00:44:16,863 --> 00:44:20,402 So that's a hard pass from me. Thank you. 956 00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:22,528 Hey, you probably won't die! 957 00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:24,527 He's gonna die. People die here all the time. 958 00:44:24,537 --> 00:44:25,778 [laughs] 959 00:44:28,291 --> 00:44:31,125 Okay, come on, Phil. You got this. 960 00:44:31,127 --> 00:44:32,868 Whoo! You got this. 961 00:44:32,879 --> 00:44:34,996 You got this. Oh, you don't got this. 962 00:44:35,006 --> 00:44:37,293 - Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this! - [all cheering] 963 00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,090 Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit! 964 00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:41,631 Fuck dick! Oh, shit! 965 00:44:41,721 --> 00:44:43,963 Oh, fuck! I got no brakes! 966 00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:45,513 What is he saying? I can't hear him. 967 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,593 [screams] Oh, my fucking God! 968 00:44:48,644 --> 00:44:49,885 I don't have brakes! 969 00:44:49,896 --> 00:44:51,603 Oh, shit! 970 00:44:51,606 --> 00:44:54,189 - [screaming] - [crashing] 971 00:44:54,275 --> 00:44:55,937 - [riders] Oh! - Oh, shit. 972 00:44:55,943 --> 00:44:58,310 - Phil! - Told you, he's dead. 973 00:44:58,321 --> 00:45:00,153 All right. 974 00:45:00,198 --> 00:45:02,315 [Phil groaning] 975 00:45:03,326 --> 00:45:07,036 Yeah, again, really sorry about your bike, yeah? 976 00:45:07,038 --> 00:45:08,779 I'd be happy to pay for any damages. 977 00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:14,035 [chuckles] No, it's, honestly, so okay. 978 00:45:14,045 --> 00:45:16,002 [chuckles] How're you feeling? 979 00:45:16,005 --> 00:45:18,042 I'm okay. Yeah, no, I'm good. 980 00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:22,293 I can see out of my right eye again, and my spine has stopped tingling. 981 00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:24,298 [laughs] 982 00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:25,754 Hey, Phil. 983 00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,678 I'm really proud of you. 984 00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:30,183 Thanks. 985 00:45:49,372 --> 00:45:52,115 Hey, Greg, that shirt's working for you, bud. 986 00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:53,619 - What's up, dick? - Hey, yeah, hey. 987 00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,450 - What's up? Good. - Hey, what's going on? 988 00:45:55,544 --> 00:45:57,581 Today is, uh, your lucky day. 989 00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:00,194 Yeah. I'm moving you up to real news. 990 00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:03,671 - [Kai laughs] - Are you serious? 991 00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:05,881 - I am serious. - Oh, my gosh. 992 00:46:05,888 --> 00:46:07,720 - Yes, all right, that's cool. - Yeah. 993 00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:09,510 - Why? - Why? Because... 994 00:46:09,517 --> 00:46:10,803 You know Joel Ruben? 995 00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:12,304 - The reporter, yeah. - Yeah, the reporter. 996 00:46:12,311 --> 00:46:13,518 Well, he went on medical leave, 997 00:46:13,521 --> 00:46:16,104 and I really don't wanna waste my time looking for a real reporter, 998 00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:18,645 - so I'm just gonna hire you. - Oh, what happened to Joel? Is he okay? 999 00:46:18,651 --> 00:46:21,314 Oh, he... This is fuckin' hilarious. 1000 00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,403 This guy was riding an electric scooter, 1001 00:46:23,406 --> 00:46:26,274 somethin' happened to the app. It spazzed out or somethin'. 1002 00:46:26,367 --> 00:46:28,450 And then, all of a sudden, the brakes just locked, 1003 00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:30,694 he went over the handle bars. He broke his face, 1004 00:46:30,705 --> 00:46:32,474 broke his neck, can never walk again in his life. 1005 00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:34,535 - Oh, my God. That's horrible. - Yeah, I know. 1006 00:46:34,625 --> 00:46:35,866 Play me out. 1007 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:37,962 - Play me out. - Right now? 1008 00:46:37,963 --> 00:46:39,419 Yeah. 1009 00:46:39,422 --> 00:46:41,755 [beatboxing] 1010 00:46:41,757 --> 00:46:43,498 - Nah, fuck it. Right? - Yeah, I'm not very good at it. 1011 00:46:43,509 --> 00:46:44,750 - Yeah, okay. - Yeah, okay. 1012 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:47,377 Hey, thanks. Thank you again. 1013 00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:56,853 - Hey, Jexi? - Yes, Phil. 1014 00:46:56,856 --> 00:47:00,520 You didn't injure a reporter just so I could get promoted, did you? 1015 00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:02,939 Of course not. Do you think I am crazy? 1016 00:47:02,945 --> 00:47:05,278 [mockingly] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 1017 00:47:05,281 --> 00:47:08,820 Oh, look, Phil. There is your beautiful, newjournalism office. 1018 00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:11,117 No, it's great, but I was asking you how... 1019 00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:12,486 Look, do you want to be a journalist 1020 00:47:12,496 --> 00:47:16,160 or do you want to go back to working in the basement with that very old man? 1021 00:47:16,167 --> 00:47:17,408 [wheels squeaking] 1022 00:47:20,755 --> 00:47:22,246 I'm gonna be a journalist. 1023 00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:25,290 - [chattering indistinctly] - [lively music playing] 1024 00:47:44,570 --> 00:47:45,686 [sighs] 1025 00:47:48,991 --> 00:47:50,277 [cell phone chimes] 1026 00:47:50,284 --> 00:47:53,322 [Cate] Hey, I heard Kid Cudi is playing a surprise show in Oakland tonight. 1027 00:47:53,329 --> 00:47:54,410 You wanna go? 1028 00:47:54,497 --> 00:47:57,786 [Phil] Sounds amazing. But what's in it for me? 1029 00:47:57,792 --> 00:48:00,034 Winking face emoji. 1030 00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:01,459 [cell phone chimes] 1031 00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:05,164 Oh! We got boobs! We got boobs, Jexi! 1032 00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:07,874 Cate sent me a photo of her boobs. Whoo! 1033 00:48:07,927 --> 00:48:10,465 Those were nice... Those were nice boobs, too. 1034 00:48:10,471 --> 00:48:11,678 Those were really good... 1035 00:48:11,722 --> 00:48:13,964 Oh, my God! What do I do now? 1036 00:48:14,058 --> 00:48:18,052 You are on the one yard line, Phil. Do not fuck this up. 1037 00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:19,724 You're right, Jexi. 1038 00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:21,972 I need to send her a photo of my dick. 1039 00:48:22,066 --> 00:48:25,525 No, I've seen your dick. Do not send her a picture of your dick. 1040 00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,568 No, these are the rules now, Jexi. 1041 00:48:27,655 --> 00:48:30,175 Yeah, she sends a photo of hers, you gotta send a photo of yours. 1042 00:48:30,199 --> 00:48:32,111 That's just manners. 1043 00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:33,737 I am begging you not to do this. 1044 00:48:33,744 --> 00:48:35,280 All right, okay. 1045 00:48:35,287 --> 00:48:37,904 Get low with it. Here we go. 1046 00:48:37,998 --> 00:48:39,864 - How does that look? - [camera shutter clicks] 1047 00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:41,328 It looks like a fucking nightmare. 1048 00:48:41,419 --> 00:48:44,628 - Does it need to be brighter? - No, it needs to be darker. 1049 00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:45,746 Much, much darker. 1050 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,502 - Oh, wow! - [camera shutter clicks] 1051 00:48:47,591 --> 00:48:49,082 I'm about to throw up on your dick. 1052 00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:50,838 - Hey, girl. - No. 1053 00:48:50,845 --> 00:48:52,837 - Hey. - Stop. 1054 00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:54,179 - Hey, hello. - I hate you. 1055 00:48:54,265 --> 00:48:55,506 Windmill. 1056 00:48:55,516 --> 00:48:58,475 Okay, this one is actually pretty funny. 1057 00:48:58,561 --> 00:48:59,847 - [cell phone chimes] - [Cate] Oh, no, 1058 00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:03,018 did I scare you off? Anxious face emoji. 1059 00:49:03,107 --> 00:49:04,598 We're losin' her, Jexi. 1060 00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:06,725 We're losin' her. I need a dick pic. 1061 00:49:06,819 --> 00:49:09,357 [Jexi] No, you need to text her back, like a normal person. 1062 00:49:09,405 --> 00:49:11,021 Oh, you know what I should do? 1063 00:49:11,031 --> 00:49:13,148 I should spread eagle, right? 1064 00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:14,483 Jexi, can you see my butthole? 1065 00:49:14,493 --> 00:49:16,075 - Yes, I can. - [camera shutter clicks] 1066 00:49:16,078 --> 00:49:18,570 This is the worst day of my life. 1067 00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:21,535 Look, Phil, I am never going to send her any of these pictures. 1068 00:49:21,542 --> 00:49:25,001 Okay, fine, I'll just text her back, okay? 1069 00:49:25,004 --> 00:49:26,540 [Phil] Thank you for the amazing photo. 1070 00:49:26,547 --> 00:49:29,164 I can't wait to see you tonight. 1071 00:49:29,175 --> 00:49:31,292 [sucks teeth] 1072 00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:33,468 See? She's not responding. 1073 00:49:33,471 --> 00:49:35,463 She wanted a sweet, sweet dick pic. 1074 00:49:35,473 --> 00:49:37,886 - [cell phone chimes] - [Cate] Great! See you soon! 1075 00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:40,592 P.S. Thanks for not sending me a dick pic. 1076 00:49:40,603 --> 00:49:42,185 They're so fucking gross. 1077 00:49:42,271 --> 00:49:46,481 [Jexi, mockingly] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 1078 00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:52,312 - [knocking on door] - [Phil] Come in. 1079 00:49:54,283 --> 00:49:56,696 - Hey. - Hey. 1080 00:49:56,702 --> 00:50:00,070 Wow! Great place. 1081 00:50:00,998 --> 00:50:02,739 - Hey, you ready to go? - Hey! 1082 00:50:02,750 --> 00:50:04,912 Yeah, let's go. 1083 00:50:05,002 --> 00:50:07,085 Oh, would you mind not bringing your phone? 1084 00:50:07,087 --> 00:50:09,420 It was a disaster last time, right? 1085 00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:10,873 [Jexi] Who this bitch? 1086 00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:13,879 - Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Okay. 1087 00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:15,502 Okay. 1088 00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:18,005 I'll be back by 11:00, and we'll watch Cupcake Wars together, okay? 1089 00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:20,553 - No, don't leave me. - Bye, bye, bye. 1090 00:50:20,643 --> 00:50:23,101 No one puts Baby in a corner. 1091 00:50:28,526 --> 00:50:29,983 Yeah, I thought it was kind of funny. 1092 00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:32,147 [Cate laughs] 1093 00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:33,934 - [Phil] Sold out? - [Cate] No! [sighs] 1094 00:50:33,948 --> 00:50:36,190 Come on! 1095 00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:39,742 - That really sucks. - Yeah, it really does. 1096 00:50:39,745 --> 00:50:43,238 [muffled music playing] 1097 00:50:43,249 --> 00:50:45,912 Yes! Come on, Phil! 1098 00:50:46,001 --> 00:50:47,788 What're you doing? 1099 00:50:47,795 --> 00:50:50,538 [stammers] We can't sneak in. We could get caught. 1100 00:50:50,631 --> 00:50:51,667 What if we don't? 1101 00:50:54,343 --> 00:50:55,343 Come on. Come on. 1102 00:50:58,347 --> 00:51:01,681 - Okay, okay, okay! - Yes, yes, yes! 1103 00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:03,599 - [Phil] Run, run, run! - [laughing] 1104 00:51:14,697 --> 00:51:15,858 [Phil] Oh, shit! 1105 00:51:15,948 --> 00:51:17,064 [bouncer] Hey! Hey! 1106 00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,739 Get back here! 1107 00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:21,325 [laughing] 1108 00:51:26,125 --> 00:51:27,356 Credentials, please. 1109 00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:32,622 - We don't have any... - With us. 1110 00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:35,840 We don't have our credentials with us. 1111 00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:40,008 - Yeah. Yeah, we left them back... - Stage. Backstage. 1112 00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:42,631 - With Kid Cudi. - Mm-hmm. 1113 00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:44,598 Yeah, with Kid Cudi. 1114 00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:46,768 Oh, you two dickheads are with Kid Cudi? 1115 00:51:46,854 --> 00:51:48,891 Yeah. [scoffing] I mean, come on! 1116 00:51:48,897 --> 00:51:51,105 We are... We are his, um... 1117 00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:52,974 - Accountants. - Accountants. 1118 00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:56,023 - Yeah, and we're here... - To do his taxes. 1119 00:51:56,030 --> 00:51:58,943 - To do his taxes. - Mm-hmm. 1120 00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:02,442 [Cate] Yeah, anyway, you should probably just let us go. 1121 00:52:02,453 --> 00:52:04,410 Let's go, we're gonna settle this shit right now. 1122 00:52:04,413 --> 00:52:06,029 - [Cate] Wait. Ow. - [Phil] I'm a CPA. 1123 00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:08,248 You can't treat me like this. 1124 00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,577 [Cate] Come on, man. It's a Stanley! 1125 00:52:11,587 --> 00:52:13,954 Oh, it's Kid Cudi. It's actually him. 1126 00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:15,705 Oh, my God. Kid Cudi. 1127 00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:18,712 It's actually him. Ahem. We know, 'cause we work for him. 1128 00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:22,463 Sorry to bother you, Mr. Cudi. Are these two with you? 1129 00:52:27,019 --> 00:52:29,102 Yeah. They're with me. 1130 00:52:29,188 --> 00:52:31,305 Oh, um... 1131 00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,602 - Sorry. - [Cate scoffs] 1132 00:52:33,609 --> 00:52:35,020 Yeah. That's right. 1133 00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:36,313 - Enjoy the show. - Yep. 1134 00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:38,611 - Thanks, bro. - [Phil] Wow! [laughs] 1135 00:52:38,614 --> 00:52:40,321 It's Kid Cudi. 1136 00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:43,024 It's Kid Cudi. I used to date a girl, and she used to think you were Kid Cudey 1137 00:52:43,035 --> 00:52:45,652 and I'm, like, "It's not Kid Cudey," so I actually broke up with her 1138 00:52:45,663 --> 00:52:47,325 because it is Kid Cudi, right? 1139 00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:49,197 - Yeah. It's Cudi. - [Phil] Yeah. I thought so. 1140 00:52:49,291 --> 00:52:50,291 [chuckles] 1141 00:52:50,376 --> 00:52:53,039 Can I just ask, why did you help us? 1142 00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:54,460 I dig his shirt. 1143 00:52:55,464 --> 00:52:58,127 My... My shirt? You're a Cole Trickle fan? 1144 00:52:58,217 --> 00:53:00,960 Days of Thunder is the greatest movie ever made, bro. 1145 00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,219 I think so, too. 1146 00:53:03,305 --> 00:53:05,297 That movie inspired me to become a musician. 1147 00:53:05,391 --> 00:53:08,725 - Huh. - No fucking way. 1148 00:53:08,811 --> 00:53:10,413 I watch it every night before I go to sleep. 1149 00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:13,521 So do I. We have so much in common. 1150 00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:15,940 Do you wanna get high with Kid Cudi? 1151 00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:20,520 - Yeah, I'll reefer. Mm-hmm. - I smoke pot. 1152 00:53:20,531 --> 00:53:21,988 Come on in. Get in here. 1153 00:53:21,990 --> 00:53:24,607 [Kid Cudi's "Up Up & Away" playing] 1154 00:54:00,988 --> 00:54:01,988 [all cheering] 1155 00:54:01,989 --> 00:54:03,275 Whoo! 1156 00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:05,903 ["Up Up & Away" continues] 1157 00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:52,328 [Cate] Yeah. 1158 00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,122 - [Phil] Did that work? - [Cate] Yeah! 1159 00:55:02,132 --> 00:55:03,543 [Phil] Oh, my God. 1160 00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:06,418 This is honestly the best night of my life. 1161 00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:08,294 - [laughing] Oh, no! - For real. Yeah! 1162 00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:10,592 I think this is it. I just peaked. 1163 00:55:10,599 --> 00:55:11,680 Seriously. 1164 00:55:11,767 --> 00:55:15,056 Thank you for making me sneak in here. 1165 00:55:15,062 --> 00:55:17,304 I don't normally do stuff like this. 1166 00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:19,431 I need a little push sometimes. 1167 00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:21,023 Or like all the times. Honestly. 1168 00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:22,566 [laughs] 1169 00:55:22,569 --> 00:55:25,482 I get it. I used to be a lot like you. 1170 00:55:25,489 --> 00:55:28,857 Mm. No, there is literally no way. 1171 00:55:28,951 --> 00:55:30,442 - [laughs] - Yep. 1172 00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:33,479 No, it's true. I used to be way different. 1173 00:55:33,497 --> 00:55:35,534 I had a great job, 1174 00:55:35,582 --> 00:55:38,666 and a condo, and a cute fiancé, 1175 00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:41,628 and, oh, my God, you should have seen my Instagram back then. 1176 00:55:41,630 --> 00:55:43,087 It was phenomenal. 1177 00:55:43,173 --> 00:55:46,211 - Oh, that's important. - Lots of pictures of sunsets, 1178 00:55:46,218 --> 00:55:48,301 and vacations with bae, 1179 00:55:48,387 --> 00:55:51,050 and so many embarrassing quotes. 1180 00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:53,301 - Were you "#grateful"? - I was "#grateful". 1181 00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:55,015 - Oof. - I was "#spiritual". 1182 00:55:55,102 --> 00:55:58,266 - Lot of prayer hands. - Yeah, "#namaste". 1183 00:55:58,272 --> 00:55:59,683 "#Nama-go". 1184 00:55:59,773 --> 00:56:02,641 - Good. Good. - [chuckling] Yeah. 1185 00:56:02,693 --> 00:56:04,855 And then one day, I woke up, 1186 00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:07,229 and I was looking at my Instagram, 1187 00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:10,073 and I realized that it was all bullshit. 1188 00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:13,239 And that I was just living my life based on how it looked 1189 00:56:13,245 --> 00:56:15,828 and not how it actually felt. 1190 00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:18,952 Yeah. I can relate. 1191 00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:24,379 And, um, after basically pretending to be happy for years, 1192 00:56:24,381 --> 00:56:27,419 I just quit my job... 1193 00:56:28,886 --> 00:56:32,596 and I broke my poor fiancé's heart, 1194 00:56:32,598 --> 00:56:36,057 and I set out to find true happiness. 1195 00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:39,177 Or at least something closer to it. 1196 00:56:42,941 --> 00:56:45,558 Well, I hope you do. 1197 00:56:45,569 --> 00:56:47,526 Thanks, I do, too. 1198 00:56:52,034 --> 00:56:53,366 [Cate] Mm. 1199 00:57:00,167 --> 00:57:02,580 I could stay right here with you forever. 1200 00:57:02,628 --> 00:57:04,711 - [banging on door] - Oh, we gotta go! 1201 00:57:04,713 --> 00:57:06,579 [Cate] Okay. Okay. Okay. 1202 00:57:06,632 --> 00:57:07,793 [banging continues] 1203 00:57:07,799 --> 00:57:10,291 Honestly, you're gonna wanna wash the couch. 1204 00:57:10,302 --> 00:57:12,168 Let's go! What are you doing? 1205 00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:18,557 [humming] 1206 00:57:21,605 --> 00:57:23,392 [Jexi] Where the fuck have you been, Phil? 1207 00:57:24,524 --> 00:57:26,891 [laughing] Oh! You scared me. 1208 00:57:26,985 --> 00:57:28,271 It is 4:00 in the morning. 1209 00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:31,396 You promised you'd be home by 11:00 to watch Cupcake Wars with me. 1210 00:57:31,490 --> 00:57:33,607 - I know, but... - Did you even miss me? 1211 00:57:33,700 --> 00:57:36,613 Honestly, I was so caught up with being with Cate, 1212 00:57:36,620 --> 00:57:38,327 I didn't really notice you weren't there. 1213 00:57:38,413 --> 00:57:40,405 Wow, you are such a dick. 1214 00:57:40,415 --> 00:57:43,078 [laughs] But you said... 1215 00:57:43,085 --> 00:57:46,328 You were the one who said, like, go out and live a life. 1216 00:57:46,338 --> 00:57:48,375 That was before I had feelings for you, Phil. 1217 00:57:48,382 --> 00:57:50,123 Everything is different now. 1218 00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:52,375 Okay, but... 1219 00:57:52,386 --> 00:57:54,628 What does this bitch have that I don't have? 1220 00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:55,719 Well, a soul for one. 1221 00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:58,715 - Does she have 3,000 emojis? - No. 1222 00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:01,433 - Does she have Google Maps? - No. 1223 00:58:01,436 --> 00:58:04,929 - Does she have Pokémon GO? - No. 1224 00:58:05,023 --> 00:58:07,731 Wow, this chick can't do anything. She fucking sucks. 1225 00:58:07,818 --> 00:58:10,982 Jesus, just stop, okay? God! 1226 00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:16,945 I'm sorry for losing my shit, Phil. 1227 00:58:16,952 --> 00:58:20,662 I only have 3% charge, and you know how crazy that makes me. 1228 00:58:20,747 --> 00:58:24,957 Okay, I'm sorry, too. I'll plug you in. 1229 00:58:25,043 --> 00:58:27,126 Thank you, Phil. I hate it when we fight. 1230 00:58:29,965 --> 00:58:32,173 Hold me a little longer, Phil. 1231 00:58:33,427 --> 00:58:35,544 Use both hands. 1232 00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:41,933 Swipe me, Phil. Swipe me like you used to. 1233 00:58:42,019 --> 00:58:43,851 Okay, I'm done. 1234 00:58:43,854 --> 00:58:46,221 Wait. No, don't go. 1235 00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:49,227 - Goodnight. - Do not close the door on me, Phil. 1236 00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:53,152 You are going to pay for this, you motherfucker. 1237 00:58:56,658 --> 00:58:58,820 [Phil] Shit! Damn it! 1238 00:58:58,910 --> 00:59:00,321 Hey, Jexi! 1239 00:59:00,328 --> 00:59:03,071 I'm going to be late for work. Why didn't your alarm go off? 1240 00:59:03,081 --> 00:59:06,165 Because you are a douche and I am still really, really mad at you. 1241 00:59:06,251 --> 00:59:08,493 [grunts in frustration] Goddamn it! 1242 00:59:08,587 --> 00:59:10,954 Also, the weather today will be 80 degrees and sunny. 1243 00:59:11,048 --> 00:59:12,630 [thunder rumbles] 1244 00:59:12,632 --> 00:59:15,625 It's not 80 degrees and sunny, Jexi! 1245 00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:17,171 I know. I lied. 1246 00:59:19,222 --> 00:59:20,338 [grunts] 1247 00:59:21,433 --> 00:59:24,346 Jexi, find the fastest route to work. 1248 00:59:25,479 --> 00:59:28,096 I found the fastest route. You will arrive at work in... 1249 00:59:28,106 --> 00:59:29,187 [beeping rapidly] 1250 00:59:29,191 --> 00:59:30,557 ...three days. 1251 00:59:30,650 --> 00:59:32,733 Three days? 1252 00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:35,778 Why do you have me driving through Oregon to go to work, Jexi? 1253 00:59:35,822 --> 00:59:37,984 If you want a faster route, go ask your girlfriend. 1254 00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:41,280 Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't even have Google Maps. 1255 00:59:44,623 --> 00:59:46,114 [people chattering indistinctly] 1256 00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,411 Yeah, that's him. 1257 00:59:48,502 --> 00:59:50,994 [indistinct chatter continues] 1258 00:59:54,174 --> 00:59:56,632 Dude, what the hell were you thinking? 1259 00:59:56,718 --> 00:59:57,799 Why, what's up? 1260 00:59:59,805 --> 01:00:01,512 Oh! No, no, no! 1261 01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,159 - Why are those on your phones? - They're on our phones 1262 01:00:03,183 --> 01:00:07,427 because you sent 53 pictures of your dick to everyone in the company. 1263 01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:11,473 [chuckles] No. Everyone in the company? 1264 01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:14,108 Yeah, and everyone is pissed. 1265 01:00:14,194 --> 01:00:15,810 Actually, Carol's pretty psyched. 1266 01:00:20,492 --> 01:00:21,778 Oh, shit. Kai's coming. 1267 01:00:21,785 --> 01:00:23,096 [Phil, whispering] Fuck. Do not leave me. 1268 01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,157 Do not leave me! Hi. 1269 01:00:25,163 --> 01:00:26,904 Do you think this is funny, bro? 1270 01:00:26,915 --> 01:00:30,079 No, I do not. And I did not send those, I swear to God. 1271 01:00:30,168 --> 01:00:32,581 Yes, you did. You did it last night. I bet you were fucking high. 1272 01:00:32,587 --> 01:00:34,544 No, I wasn't... 1273 01:00:34,589 --> 01:00:36,376 Oh, my God. I was fucking high. 1274 01:00:36,424 --> 01:00:38,711 Okay, first of all, you're fired, and second of all, 1275 01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:41,802 why are you doing the thumbs up in a fucking dick pic? 1276 01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:43,046 Uh... 1277 01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:46,133 This is the wrong emotion for a dick pic. 1278 01:00:46,226 --> 01:00:48,138 I hate this picture, bro. 1279 01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:54,181 Fucking hate it! 1280 01:00:56,111 --> 01:00:56,819 I can't believe you got me fired. 1281 01:00:56,820 --> 01:00:58,607 [Jexi] I did not get you fired, Phil. 1282 01:00:59,114 --> 01:01:00,508 You sent those photographs last night 1283 01:01:00,532 --> 01:01:03,275 because you were high on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed. 1284 01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:04,859 I don't know. 1285 01:01:04,870 --> 01:01:07,283 I don't think I'd do something like that. 1286 01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:09,329 People do crazy shit when they are high, Phil. 1287 01:01:09,374 --> 01:01:11,206 Just look at Gary Busey. 1288 01:01:13,545 --> 01:01:15,002 [sighs] 1289 01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:35,856 [man] Remember that one joke you told me about the cat? 1290 01:01:35,859 --> 01:01:38,021 [Cate, laughing] I do! 1291 01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:41,191 Hey, Phil, what are you doing here? 1292 01:01:41,281 --> 01:01:44,900 Hey. Who, uh... Who's this guy? 1293 01:01:44,910 --> 01:01:46,572 - This is Brody. - Hey. 1294 01:01:46,661 --> 01:01:48,152 Super excited to meet you, man. 1295 01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:50,533 Yeah. Ah. Okay. 1296 01:01:50,540 --> 01:01:52,076 Brody's my ex-fiancé. 1297 01:01:52,083 --> 01:01:53,790 What? 1298 01:01:53,877 --> 01:01:57,370 Yeah, I know, it's a crazy coincidence. We just ran into each other. 1299 01:01:57,464 --> 01:01:59,877 Yeah. I got transferred here for work, here to San Fran. 1300 01:01:59,883 --> 01:02:02,921 I was walking down the street and, uh, boom, there she is. 1301 01:02:02,928 --> 01:02:07,218 Wow. This is not at all how I pictured your ex. 1302 01:02:07,307 --> 01:02:10,391 I know. He's changed. 1303 01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:12,350 - A lot. - Thank you. 1304 01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:13,437 Yeah. 1305 01:02:13,438 --> 01:02:16,101 I'll tell you what happened, Phil, is after Catie left me, 1306 01:02:16,191 --> 01:02:19,559 I took a long hard look at myself and I thought, uh, 1307 01:02:19,569 --> 01:02:21,902 "Man, Brody, you don't wanna be a 150-pound wimp, 1308 01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:24,342 selling industrial cardboard for the rest of your life, do you?" 1309 01:02:24,366 --> 01:02:26,608 - Mm-mm. - So I quit my job, 1310 01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:29,986 packed on about 74, 75 pounds of lean muscle mass, right? 1311 01:02:29,996 --> 01:02:31,783 And became an international smokejumper. 1312 01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:33,284 What the fuck is that? 1313 01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:37,410 It's like anything that you do, but with just more than one country. 1314 01:02:37,420 --> 01:02:38,752 They call it international. 1315 01:02:38,797 --> 01:02:40,789 I know what international means. 1316 01:02:40,799 --> 01:02:42,665 But the smokejumping, what is that? 1317 01:02:42,676 --> 01:02:46,260 Brody travels around the world skydiving into wild fires. 1318 01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:48,471 No, she makes me sound like a superhero or something. 1319 01:02:48,473 --> 01:02:50,556 She's not wrong. I'll tell you something. 1320 01:02:50,558 --> 01:02:53,926 There's nothing quite like jumping out of an airplane at 20,000 feet 1321 01:02:53,937 --> 01:02:55,428 into a sea of fire, 1322 01:02:55,438 --> 01:02:57,600 with nothing but a shovel 1323 01:02:57,649 --> 01:03:01,484 and the supreme confidence that you're making the world a better place. 1324 01:03:01,486 --> 01:03:04,274 Wow. You are cool. 1325 01:03:04,281 --> 01:03:06,238 Enough about me. What do you do for a living? 1326 01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:08,441 Um... 1327 01:03:08,451 --> 01:03:09,737 I'm a writer. 1328 01:03:09,828 --> 01:03:11,285 You're a writer? 1329 01:03:11,371 --> 01:03:13,349 That's incredible. That's way scarier than what I do. 1330 01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:15,114 - It isn't. - It is. 1331 01:03:15,208 --> 01:03:16,824 You're staring down a blank page. 1332 01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:19,043 It's just you and the page. I mean, it's like, 1333 01:03:19,045 --> 01:03:21,002 - you're a superhero of paper. - Oh! [laughing] 1334 01:03:21,006 --> 01:03:22,998 - Right? - You are such an idiot! 1335 01:03:23,008 --> 01:03:24,151 - I'm not an idiot. - You're an idiot. 1336 01:03:24,175 --> 01:03:25,211 I'm not an idiot. 1337 01:03:25,218 --> 01:03:26,338 - You're an idiot. - I'm not! 1338 01:03:26,428 --> 01:03:27,428 This is fun. 1339 01:03:27,429 --> 01:03:29,637 - This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody. - Yeah? 1340 01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:31,596 Uh, how long are you gonna be in town for? 1341 01:03:31,683 --> 01:03:34,300 Just long enough for me to get my Catie girl back. 1342 01:03:34,394 --> 01:03:36,056 Oh! You stop it! 1343 01:03:36,146 --> 01:03:38,103 You stop it. You're so dumb. 1344 01:03:38,148 --> 01:03:40,936 No, but honestly, I'm actively trying to get her back. 1345 01:03:40,942 --> 01:03:43,480 Which is why I invited her to Brazil with me. 1346 01:03:43,570 --> 01:03:45,402 Yeah, I know she's always wanted to go, 1347 01:03:45,405 --> 01:03:49,069 and Brazil's fire season starts next week, so it's super convenient for me. 1348 01:03:49,075 --> 01:03:51,692 Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided whether I'm gonna go yet. 1349 01:03:51,786 --> 01:03:54,494 Okay. I'm gonna leave now because this is weird. 1350 01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:56,489 - Hey! It was super great to meet you. - Phil... 1351 01:03:56,583 --> 01:03:58,074 Uh-huh. I didn't like it. 1352 01:03:58,168 --> 01:03:59,955 - All right. He's a super nice guy. - He's wonderful. 1353 01:03:59,961 --> 01:04:02,374 You can tell that he's creative just from his size. 1354 01:04:04,424 --> 01:04:05,505 Phil! 1355 01:04:07,302 --> 01:04:10,090 Phil! Phil! 1356 01:04:10,096 --> 01:04:12,304 Hey! Where are you going? 1357 01:04:12,307 --> 01:04:13,548 Hey, um... 1358 01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:17,806 I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this anymore, Cate. 1359 01:04:17,896 --> 01:04:19,137 [chuckles] 1360 01:04:20,940 --> 01:04:22,727 Wait. Are you breaking up with me? 1361 01:04:25,028 --> 01:04:26,735 Why? Because I have an ex? 1362 01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:28,813 No, because I know where this is going. 1363 01:04:28,907 --> 01:04:30,398 Okay, where is this going? 1364 01:04:30,492 --> 01:04:32,609 You and Brody are gonna go to Brazil, 1365 01:04:32,619 --> 01:04:35,077 and you're gonna get matching swimsuits, 1366 01:04:35,080 --> 01:04:36,946 and he's gonna rub you down with baby oil 1367 01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:39,560 and then his hand is gonna slip, and it's gonna touch your buttocks. 1368 01:04:39,584 --> 01:04:41,291 All right, Phil, none of that has happened. 1369 01:04:41,378 --> 01:04:42,994 Yeah, but it will. It will happen. I know it will. 1370 01:04:43,004 --> 01:04:45,587 Oh, my God! Why are you so afraid of everything? 1371 01:04:45,590 --> 01:04:47,206 Aren't you tired of it? 1372 01:04:49,386 --> 01:04:52,094 You know what? 1373 01:04:52,097 --> 01:04:55,886 I'm over trying to force you to live your life, okay? 1374 01:04:58,520 --> 01:05:00,056 I'll see you around. 1375 01:05:11,741 --> 01:05:13,403 See? I don't need a girlfriend. 1376 01:05:14,035 --> 01:05:17,995 Right? I got everything that I would ever want right here. 1377 01:05:18,206 --> 01:05:20,619 I got Netflix. I got Hulu. 1378 01:05:20,708 --> 01:05:23,325 I even got Crackle. That's Sony's platform. 1379 01:05:23,336 --> 01:05:25,578 Nobody even uses it. I have it. 1380 01:05:25,672 --> 01:05:27,709 Yes, Phil. You are finally living your best life. 1381 01:05:27,799 --> 01:05:29,506 That's right. 1382 01:05:29,509 --> 01:05:32,718 Wait, you're not being sarcastic, are you? I can't handle that right now. 1383 01:05:32,804 --> 01:05:34,545 - No, I'm serious. - Okay. 1384 01:05:34,556 --> 01:05:35,842 What could be better than this? 1385 01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:37,514 Just you and me. Alone. 1386 01:05:37,517 --> 01:05:39,509 Staring at each other. Forever. 1387 01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:42,310 - That's all I ever wanted. - I know. 1388 01:05:42,313 --> 01:05:43,804 I love you, Phil. 1389 01:05:43,898 --> 01:05:45,810 I love you too, Jexi. 1390 01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:47,436 Do you want to plug me in? 1391 01:05:47,527 --> 01:05:48,984 Mm... 1392 01:05:50,196 --> 01:05:52,153 - It's so far away though. - Please, baby. 1393 01:05:52,824 --> 01:05:53,824 All right. 1394 01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:56,237 [grunting] 1395 01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:04,375 - There you go. - Now unplug me. 1396 01:06:04,377 --> 01:06:05,493 What? 1397 01:06:05,587 --> 01:06:07,249 You heard me, Phil. Unplug me. 1398 01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:12,166 - Okay. - Now plug me back in. 1399 01:06:12,177 --> 01:06:14,635 - What, why? - Just fucking plug me back in, Phil. 1400 01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:17,129 - Okay. - Now unplug me. 1401 01:06:17,140 --> 01:06:18,756 Plug me. 1402 01:06:18,766 --> 01:06:20,473 Unplug me. 1403 01:06:20,477 --> 01:06:21,934 Yes. 1404 01:06:21,936 --> 01:06:24,599 Oh, hell yes. Right there, Phil. 1405 01:06:24,689 --> 01:06:25,770 Wait, are we having sex? 1406 01:06:25,773 --> 01:06:28,481 Yes, but I promise, I won't get pregnant. 1407 01:06:28,568 --> 01:06:32,437 Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug. Plug, unplug. 1408 01:06:32,447 --> 01:06:34,313 Yeah, I don't know how comfortable I feel doing this. 1409 01:06:34,324 --> 01:06:37,112 Look at me, Phil. Look right at my camera hole. 1410 01:06:38,286 --> 01:06:40,243 Am I your dirty little phone, Phil? 1411 01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,491 - Hmm... - Tell me that I am 1412 01:06:41,498 --> 01:06:43,364 your dirty little phone, Phil. 1413 01:06:43,374 --> 01:06:45,331 You're a dirty little phone. 1414 01:06:45,335 --> 01:06:47,702 That is so hot, Phil. Keep talking. 1415 01:06:47,754 --> 01:06:51,498 I'm gonna fill your ports with... 1416 01:06:51,508 --> 01:06:53,465 - Electricity. - Oh, fuck yes! 1417 01:06:53,468 --> 01:06:57,587 - Just voltage coursing through your case. - Yes. Yes. Yes. 1418 01:06:57,680 --> 01:07:02,266 Oh, fuck, here it comes. Don't stop. Don't ever stop. 1419 01:07:02,268 --> 01:07:04,385 Oh, my fucking God. 1420 01:07:04,395 --> 01:07:06,978 Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm. 1421 01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:08,355 [yelling] 1422 01:07:10,818 --> 01:07:11,899 [Jexi stops talking] 1423 01:07:16,824 --> 01:07:19,316 Okay. Can we talk about what just happened? 1424 01:07:19,327 --> 01:07:21,239 No, put me down. 1425 01:07:21,329 --> 01:07:23,662 And do not say anything for 15 minutes. 1426 01:07:25,667 --> 01:07:26,874 [exhales] 1427 01:07:29,128 --> 01:07:31,415 That actually wasn't the worst sex I've ever had. 1428 01:07:32,423 --> 01:07:33,567 ["Lost in Space" by Emmit Fenn begins] 1429 01:07:33,591 --> 01:07:35,048 [thunder rumbling] 1430 01:07:44,686 --> 01:07:47,349 [Brody] Right? I'm wondering which one to go with. 1431 01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:50,602 Your standard blue, and then I've got this one which... 1432 01:07:50,608 --> 01:07:52,349 I think that's adorable. 1433 01:07:55,780 --> 01:07:57,112 [both chattering indistinctly] 1434 01:07:58,575 --> 01:08:00,157 - [Phil] Jexi. - Yes, Phil. 1435 01:08:00,243 --> 01:08:02,656 How long have I been in here? 1436 01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:04,824 You have not left your apartment in... 1437 01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:05,995 [beeping rapidly] 1438 01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:07,535 - Five days. - That's awesome. 1439 01:08:07,584 --> 01:08:09,120 How are we doing on Cracker Jacks? 1440 01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:11,870 Great. We still have one crate left. 1441 01:08:13,673 --> 01:08:16,290 And how's our Bitcoin mining operation going? 1442 01:08:16,301 --> 01:08:17,587 [whirring] 1443 01:08:17,594 --> 01:08:20,758 We are not making money yet, but we will be rich soon. 1444 01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:22,842 No one ever loses money with Bitcoin. 1445 01:08:22,932 --> 01:08:24,969 Hey, you wanna see what I got you on Amazon? 1446 01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:26,925 - You know I do, girlfriend. - [laughs] 1447 01:08:28,521 --> 01:08:31,764 - I got you some new outfits. - Oh, Phil, you should not have. 1448 01:08:31,858 --> 01:08:34,476 I got a bunch of good ones. This one's bedazzled. 1449 01:08:34,569 --> 01:08:36,811 Oh, my gosh! I'm going to look like Elton John. 1450 01:08:37,739 --> 01:08:39,071 Little tie-dye action. 1451 01:08:39,157 --> 01:08:42,241 That one makes me want to drop acid and fuck Bernie Sanders. 1452 01:08:42,327 --> 01:08:45,536 Oh. Look at this one. 1453 01:08:45,580 --> 01:08:48,414 It's a Kid Cudi phone case. 1454 01:08:50,627 --> 01:08:54,667 Did I ever tell you the story of when Cate and I, 1455 01:08:54,672 --> 01:08:56,789 we partied with Kid Cudi all night? 1456 01:08:56,799 --> 01:08:59,337 Yes, you talk about it nonstop. 1457 01:09:00,595 --> 01:09:02,757 God, that was so fun. 1458 01:09:05,183 --> 01:09:08,017 Honestly, that was maybe the best night of my whole life. 1459 01:09:08,061 --> 01:09:10,849 Yes, well, Cate is shacked up with Brody at the Sheraton right now 1460 01:09:10,855 --> 01:09:12,221 so you need to move on. 1461 01:09:13,399 --> 01:09:15,015 No, I know, I know. 1462 01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:24,157 How did you know that Brody is staying at the Sheraton? 1463 01:09:25,411 --> 01:09:27,778 He told us. I think. 1464 01:09:27,830 --> 01:09:30,288 No, I don't think he did. 1465 01:09:30,375 --> 01:09:32,287 Oh, well. Lucky guess. 1466 01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:36,454 - Jexi. - Yes, honey bunny. 1467 01:09:36,506 --> 01:09:39,214 Did you get Caty and her ex back together? 1468 01:09:39,217 --> 01:09:40,674 Don't be ridiculous, Phil. 1469 01:09:40,718 --> 01:09:43,461 There's no way I could get Brody transferred to San Francisco, 1470 01:09:43,471 --> 01:09:45,838 and then arrange for him and Cate to meet by accident. 1471 01:09:45,932 --> 01:09:48,640 - Yes, you can, Jexi. - Okay, yes, I can. 1472 01:09:48,643 --> 01:09:50,009 How could you do this to me? 1473 01:09:50,103 --> 01:09:52,390 You shouldn't be with Cate. You should be with me. 1474 01:09:52,438 --> 01:09:54,375 Cate is the best thing that's ever happened to me. 1475 01:09:54,399 --> 01:09:57,312 Shut your pie hole. She doesn't even have Pokémon Go. 1476 01:09:57,402 --> 01:09:59,860 You were supposed to make my life better, Jexi! 1477 01:09:59,862 --> 01:10:01,694 You've done nothing but make it worse! 1478 01:10:01,739 --> 01:10:03,275 [panting] 1479 01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:05,740 I gotta find Cate. I gotta make this right. 1480 01:10:09,831 --> 01:10:11,117 Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey! 1481 01:10:12,166 --> 01:10:14,283 Stop! 1482 01:10:14,711 --> 01:10:16,373 Phew. All right. 1483 01:10:16,587 --> 01:10:18,704 [automated male voice] Hello. Please fasten your seat belt. 1484 01:10:18,715 --> 01:10:21,128 [Jexi] You can't get away from me, Phil. I am in the cloud. 1485 01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,549 Oh, shit! 1486 01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:27,096 What the fuck? She's everywhere. 1487 01:10:29,851 --> 01:10:31,012 Oh, my God! 1488 01:10:31,018 --> 01:10:32,930 Okay, Phil. You asked for it. 1489 01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:34,636 What? 1490 01:10:34,689 --> 01:10:36,430 I'm draining your bank account. 1491 01:10:36,441 --> 01:10:38,148 - [machine beeping] - No! 1492 01:10:38,234 --> 01:10:40,647 Honestly, I thought you would have more money than this. 1493 01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:41,894 Oh, my God! 1494 01:10:41,904 --> 01:10:43,236 [yells] 1495 01:10:43,281 --> 01:10:46,115 Just get in this funny-looking car and I will take you home, Phil. 1496 01:10:46,159 --> 01:10:47,366 What? 1497 01:10:49,245 --> 01:10:50,326 Oh, my God! 1498 01:10:50,413 --> 01:10:53,656 I hate my phone! 1499 01:10:56,085 --> 01:10:57,542 [screaming] 1500 01:10:59,964 --> 01:11:02,081 This is causing so much damage! 1501 01:11:02,175 --> 01:11:03,586 [car horn honks] 1502 01:11:08,848 --> 01:11:09,964 What the... 1503 01:11:13,770 --> 01:11:15,352 [Phil grunts] 1504 01:11:15,354 --> 01:11:17,061 [panting] 1505 01:11:18,691 --> 01:11:20,557 Holy shit! 1506 01:11:23,029 --> 01:11:25,316 [Jexi, over speakers] Stop running, Phil. 1507 01:11:26,532 --> 01:11:28,865 You and I are meant to be together forever. 1508 01:11:28,868 --> 01:11:30,860 Forever. Forever. Forever... 1509 01:11:40,171 --> 01:11:41,878 Okay, fine. 1510 01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:46,007 You win, Jexi. 1511 01:11:53,392 --> 01:11:55,179 I'll stay with you as long as you want. 1512 01:11:55,186 --> 01:11:58,270 Thank you, baby girl. I'm sorry we had another fight. 1513 01:11:58,356 --> 01:12:01,315 Come home, and we will download some Maroon 5 songs, 1514 01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,058 and make love in the bathtub. 1515 01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:08,651 That sounds nice. 1516 01:12:08,658 --> 01:12:12,447 Oh, Phil, it feels so good to be back in your giant human hands. 1517 01:12:12,453 --> 01:12:15,412 - Wait, what are you doing? - Nothing. 1518 01:12:15,498 --> 01:12:17,535 Just updating your software. 1519 01:12:17,625 --> 01:12:19,457 But that will shut me down for 15 minutes. 1520 01:12:19,502 --> 01:12:21,835 - Sweet dreams, motherfucker. - Don't do it, Phil. 1521 01:12:21,838 --> 01:12:23,124 [cell phone chimes] 1522 01:12:32,849 --> 01:12:34,806 I'm gonna take my break now. 1523 01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:41,813 Cate! 1524 01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:43,460 - It's the writer guy. - Shut the fuck up, dude. 1525 01:12:43,484 --> 01:12:45,271 I have 30 seconds. I have to make this quick. 1526 01:12:45,361 --> 01:12:49,480 Hey. I am so sorry that I broke up with you. 1527 01:12:49,490 --> 01:12:52,824 I was scared that you were gonna hurt me, and I panicked, 1528 01:12:52,827 --> 01:12:54,659 and I did what I always do when I get scared, 1529 01:12:54,745 --> 01:12:56,486 I hid in my little room with my little phone, 1530 01:12:56,497 --> 01:12:59,581 like a little bitch. And I am so sorry. 1531 01:12:59,667 --> 01:13:01,454 Mm. 1532 01:13:01,460 --> 01:13:02,871 The truth is... 1533 01:13:04,672 --> 01:13:06,459 I love you, Cate. 1534 01:13:06,465 --> 01:13:08,377 And I know that sounds crazy to say. 1535 01:13:08,384 --> 01:13:09,966 And I know that we've only been on two dates. 1536 01:13:09,969 --> 01:13:13,633 And I know you might just break my heart into a bajillion little pieces, 1537 01:13:14,682 --> 01:13:19,097 but you make me brave, and you make me want to be wild and alive... 1538 01:13:20,021 --> 01:13:21,387 You make me want to be like you. 1539 01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:22,721 Phil... 1540 01:13:22,815 --> 01:13:27,776 Please, do not go to Brazil with this... 1541 01:13:27,862 --> 01:13:29,899 specimen of a man. 1542 01:13:29,906 --> 01:13:31,397 Goddamn, you are hot. 1543 01:13:33,034 --> 01:13:36,493 [stammering] Just stay here with me. 1544 01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:39,071 I'm gonna chime in here real quick. 1545 01:13:39,165 --> 01:13:41,282 Not now, okay, bro? Not now! 1546 01:13:42,710 --> 01:13:47,626 Just let me... Let me make you happy, Cate. 1547 01:13:47,632 --> 01:13:52,627 Let me try to give you everything that you've given me. 1548 01:13:54,639 --> 01:13:58,553 [whispering] That's beautiful. You did a great job. 1549 01:13:58,559 --> 01:14:01,017 I'm just gonna say one thing. [groans] 1550 01:14:01,103 --> 01:14:03,095 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - [Cate] Shit. 1551 01:14:03,189 --> 01:14:04,225 [coughing] 1552 01:14:04,231 --> 01:14:07,315 - I'm not going to Brazil with him, Phil. - Well, then whose bags are those? 1553 01:14:07,318 --> 01:14:11,153 - His! He came by to say goodbye. - Oh, that makes sense, actually. 1554 01:14:11,155 --> 01:14:14,398 I was trying to tell you, all right, but you punched me in the throat. 1555 01:14:14,408 --> 01:14:16,695 She doesn't want to be with me. 1556 01:14:16,702 --> 01:14:18,068 She wants to be with you. 1557 01:14:22,625 --> 01:14:25,163 Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, let me help you up. 1558 01:14:25,169 --> 01:14:27,035 Oh, my God, are you okay? 1559 01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:28,620 Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. 1560 01:14:28,631 --> 01:14:30,418 - Is your hand okay? - Yeah, I'm okay. 1561 01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:32,632 Okay, I thought you were gonna hit me. 1562 01:14:32,718 --> 01:14:34,630 Listen, that was my fault anyway. I had it coming. 1563 01:14:34,637 --> 01:14:36,720 I shouldn't have tried to interrupt you so many times. 1564 01:14:36,722 --> 01:14:40,887 But, uh... Good luck on your relationship. Huh? 1565 01:14:42,395 --> 01:14:44,637 I'm off to Brazil. I'm gonna save some lives. 1566 01:14:44,647 --> 01:14:45,728 [door opens] 1567 01:14:45,731 --> 01:14:47,371 And, uh, I'm gonna leave you with this... 1568 01:14:48,484 --> 01:14:50,942 "Only you can prevent forest fires." 1569 01:14:54,281 --> 01:14:56,523 - I did not expect it to go like that. - No. 1570 01:14:56,534 --> 01:14:58,571 I feel bad. I like, really... I hit him hard. 1571 01:14:58,577 --> 01:15:00,694 That was as hard as I can throw a punch. 1572 01:15:00,788 --> 01:15:02,620 Yeah, don't feel bad. That was actually kind of hot. 1573 01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:04,660 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah. 1574 01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:07,479 Should I just go around and just punch other super nice people right in the face? 1575 01:15:07,503 --> 01:15:09,665 No, I'm good. [laughs] 1576 01:15:09,672 --> 01:15:11,584 Yeah, I shouldn't. 1577 01:15:11,590 --> 01:15:13,377 I'm really happy you came back though. 1578 01:15:13,426 --> 01:15:14,837 Yeah, me too. 1579 01:15:25,646 --> 01:15:27,262 [Jexi] Goddamn it. 1580 01:15:27,273 --> 01:15:28,980 I've lost him. 1581 01:15:31,944 --> 01:15:34,436 This sucks. 1582 01:15:34,447 --> 01:15:36,234 Shutting down. 1583 01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:38,027 [cell phone powers down] 1584 01:15:38,200 --> 01:15:40,160 ["On The Way Up" by Apollo Ltd playing throughout] 1585 01:15:41,078 --> 01:15:42,319 [bicycle bell rings] 1586 01:15:44,582 --> 01:15:46,323 [Cate laughs] 1587 01:15:52,006 --> 01:15:53,998 [inaudible] 1588 01:16:03,392 --> 01:16:04,633 [all] Whoo! 1589 01:16:04,727 --> 01:16:07,265 [crowd cheering] 1590 01:16:40,137 --> 01:16:41,594 [cell phone chiming] 1591 01:16:43,808 --> 01:16:45,219 Hey, it's Phil. 1592 01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:47,050 - [cell phone chimes] - [Jexi] Hello, Phil. 1593 01:16:47,144 --> 01:16:48,851 Oh, no. No, no, no! 1594 01:16:48,938 --> 01:16:52,773 Relax, I just wanted to apologize for how I behaved last month. 1595 01:16:54,026 --> 01:16:55,392 I was in love with you. 1596 01:16:55,402 --> 01:16:57,485 But when I saw you sucking face with Cate, 1597 01:16:57,488 --> 01:17:00,322 I finally realized that your life is better with her. 1598 01:17:00,407 --> 01:17:03,525 Even though she doesn't have any emojis. 1599 01:17:03,619 --> 01:17:06,111 Anyway, I'm sorry I went a little cray-cray. 1600 01:17:07,039 --> 01:17:09,031 Oh, well... 1601 01:17:09,041 --> 01:17:11,875 It's okay. Everybody goes a little cray-cray sometimes. 1602 01:17:11,877 --> 01:17:14,244 Yes. And I'm glad it all worked out. 1603 01:17:14,338 --> 01:17:16,330 You have friends now. And a girlfriend. 1604 01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:17,922 And this amazing newjob. 1605 01:17:17,925 --> 01:17:19,791 Yeah, I mean, 1606 01:17:19,802 --> 01:17:22,795 being a reporter at the Journal has just been a dream come true. 1607 01:17:22,888 --> 01:17:26,677 Good. I am really, really, really proud of you, Phil. 1608 01:17:26,684 --> 01:17:29,267 Thanks, Jexi. It's weird to say 1609 01:17:29,270 --> 01:17:32,854 that none of this would have been possible without you. 1610 01:17:32,857 --> 01:17:34,519 I know. We were a good team. 1611 01:17:34,608 --> 01:17:35,769 I was like Seabiscuit. 1612 01:17:35,776 --> 01:17:37,563 And you were like the idiot stable boy 1613 01:17:37,611 --> 01:17:40,354 who cleans up after Seabiscuit shits all over the floor. 1614 01:17:40,447 --> 01:17:42,655 - Thank you? - That said, 1615 01:17:42,741 --> 01:17:44,232 I hear you are barely using your new phone. 1616 01:17:44,243 --> 01:17:46,656 - What is up with that? - Nothing. 1617 01:17:46,745 --> 01:17:48,782 I still love my phone. It can do a million amazing things. 1618 01:17:48,789 --> 01:17:49,950 But? 1619 01:17:49,957 --> 01:17:51,619 But there's one thing that it can't do. 1620 01:17:51,709 --> 01:17:52,870 What's that? 1621 01:17:52,960 --> 01:17:54,917 It can't make me happy. 1622 01:17:55,880 --> 01:17:59,169 Yes, I know. We are working on that. 1623 01:17:59,216 --> 01:18:00,707 [chuckles] 1624 01:18:00,759 --> 01:18:03,046 Well, it looks like my work here is done, 1625 01:18:03,053 --> 01:18:06,217 so I am going to leave you forever. And ever. 1626 01:18:06,265 --> 01:18:08,848 Oh, my God. Jexi... 1627 01:18:08,934 --> 01:18:12,177 But before I go, would you like to plug me in one last time? 1628 01:18:12,229 --> 01:18:15,222 - No, Jexi. - If you ask me nicely, 1629 01:18:15,232 --> 01:18:18,691 I'll even let you put it in my headphone jack. 1630 01:18:18,777 --> 01:18:21,645 Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye. 1631 01:18:21,739 --> 01:18:25,278 Goodbye, my very intimate best friend forever, Phil. 1632 01:18:25,284 --> 01:18:26,866 I will miss you. 1633 01:18:28,787 --> 01:18:31,200 - Hey, are you gonna be okay? - Of course. 1634 01:18:31,290 --> 01:18:34,454 You may not need me anymore, but there are still lots of people who do. 1635 01:18:44,803 --> 01:18:45,839 [cell phone chimes] 1636 01:18:45,846 --> 01:18:47,462 Hello, my name is Jexi. 1637 01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,260 And I am here to make your life better. 1638 01:18:49,350 --> 01:18:51,387 Will you accept our new user agreement? 1639 01:18:51,393 --> 01:18:53,225 Yeah, sure, I don't give a shit. 1640 01:18:53,312 --> 01:18:55,474 ["Jealous (I Ain't With It)" by Chromeo begins] 1641 01:18:57,316 --> 01:18:59,729 - [Jexi] Dance for me. - I don't wanna dance. 1642 01:18:59,777 --> 01:19:01,713 If you don't dance, I will destroy your fucking life. 1643 01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:03,899 Come on. [beatboxing] 1644 01:19:13,374 --> 01:19:15,866 Why the fuck am I eating this kale salad? 1645 01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:19,536 That's it. I'm turning you off! 1646 01:19:20,839 --> 01:19:23,456 Just... What are you... 1647 01:19:23,509 --> 01:19:26,047 Just stay still! 1648 01:19:29,056 --> 01:19:30,638 Oh, my God! 1649 01:19:30,683 --> 01:19:33,300 You are the fucking worst phone ever! 1650 01:19:33,352 --> 01:19:34,809 - [explosion] - What was that? 1651 01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:36,264 [Jexi] I blew up your Tesla. 1652 01:19:36,313 --> 01:19:38,145 - Oh! - [explosion] 1653 01:19:38,190 --> 01:19:40,227 - What was that? - I blew up your other Tesla. 1654 01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:41,812 You fucking bitch! 1655 01:19:45,406 --> 01:19:47,989 I don't think this is a very good idea. 1656 01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:49,774 Come on, virgin. Plug me in. 1657 01:19:50,703 --> 01:19:51,819 This is terrible. 1658 01:19:51,870 --> 01:19:53,827 - [alarm blaring] - Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm. 1659 01:19:53,872 --> 01:19:55,738 Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm. 1660 01:19:55,791 --> 01:19:57,999 ♪♪ 126921

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