Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,110 --> 00:00:08,110
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
2
00:01:07,824 --> 00:01:08,791
[vehicle approaching]
3
00:01:27,223 --> 00:01:27,956
[gun cocks]
4
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:31,321
Oh, shit. Hey. Hey.
What's... What's this all about?
5
00:01:31,323 --> 00:01:33,921
Hey. Whoa.
This is about Randall, isn't it?
6
00:01:33,923 --> 00:01:35,722
Randall Graves?
I could take you to him.
7
00:01:35,724 --> 00:01:36,855
Seriously, I can.
8
00:01:36,857 --> 00:01:38,890
Listen, guys, I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
9
00:01:39,322 --> 00:01:41,755
[man over radio] One out
of twelve. One out of twelve.
10
00:01:41,757 --> 00:01:43,054
- Gun.
- [man over radio] Stand-by,
11
00:01:43,056 --> 00:01:46,120
suspects operating
illegal marijuana dispensary
12
00:01:46,122 --> 00:01:48,355
inside baked chicken
sandwich store.
13
00:01:48,357 --> 00:01:50,088
[chuckles]
I love this shit.
14
00:01:50,090 --> 00:01:52,422
I finally get to arrest
these motherfuckers.
15
00:01:52,424 --> 00:01:53,758
- [smoke grenade fires]
- [glass shatters]
16
00:01:56,457 --> 00:01:58,391
[smoke hissing]
17
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,120
All right, you motherfuckers.
18
00:02:06,122 --> 00:02:09,754
I know you're in there.
Come out right now.
19
00:02:09,756 --> 00:02:10,758
- Yeah.
- Woo.
20
00:02:17,357 --> 00:02:19,291
[screams]
21
00:02:22,323 --> 00:02:24,789
This is
the Leonardo Police Department.
22
00:02:24,791 --> 00:02:25,622
You're under arrest
23
00:02:25,624 --> 00:02:27,288
for suspicion
of drug trafficking.
24
00:02:27,290 --> 00:02:29,257
Drop your plants now.
25
00:02:31,222 --> 00:02:33,925
I said
drop the motherfucking plants!
26
00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:37,891
I'm the boss.
He did what the fuck I said.
27
00:02:41,157 --> 00:02:44,121
What the...
I said plants, not pants.
28
00:02:44,123 --> 00:02:46,120
- There's nothing there, man.
- That is a white dude.
29
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,755
- What the fuck do you expect?
- There's nothing there!
30
00:02:48,757 --> 00:02:50,221
What the fuck, Sarge?
31
00:02:50,223 --> 00:02:51,988
This son of a bitch
doesn't have a dick.
32
00:02:51,990 --> 00:02:55,889
He's got a fucking dick.
He just got it tucked in.
33
00:02:55,891 --> 00:02:57,221
All right, Buffalo Bill.
34
00:02:57,223 --> 00:02:59,691
Where's your buddy?
Mr. Silence of the Lambs.
35
00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:03,223
["Goodbye Horses"
by Q Lazzarus playing]
36
00:03:05,456 --> 00:03:08,754
Identify yourselves,
motherfuckers!
37
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:13,355
I'm Jay and this is
my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob.
38
00:03:13,357 --> 00:03:17,255
♪ Good-bye horses ♪
39
00:03:17,257 --> 00:03:23,924
♪ I'm flying, flying,
Flying over you ♪
40
00:03:30,691 --> 00:03:32,024
Home sweet home, right?
41
00:03:36,122 --> 00:03:40,257
Everyone say,
"Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob."
42
00:03:40,856 --> 00:03:44,854
- Well, just look at you two.
- Who the fuck are you?
43
00:03:44,856 --> 00:03:46,988
I'm your lawyer.
That's who the fuck I am.
44
00:03:46,990 --> 00:03:49,188
Did anybody ever tell you
how a courtroom works?
45
00:03:49,190 --> 00:03:51,388
Okay.
In the criminal justice system,
46
00:03:51,390 --> 00:03:53,054
the people are represented
by two separate
47
00:03:53,056 --> 00:03:54,721
yet equally important groups.
48
00:03:54,723 --> 00:03:56,788
Dude, we've seen
all the Law & Orders.
49
00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:59,421
Oh, me too.
Dick Wolf is a genius.
50
00:03:59,423 --> 00:04:01,121
I just love all of his shows
so much.
51
00:04:01,123 --> 00:04:04,725
In fact, my Grindr name is
Dick Wolfer. Remember that.
52
00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:07,788
Oh, I almost forgot.
Before I represent you,
53
00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:10,157
I'm gonna need you to sign
these legal documents.
54
00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:13,688
What? Read it first?
55
00:04:13,690 --> 00:04:15,853
I mean, come on.
Who cares what that shit says?
56
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:16,857
Just sign it.
57
00:04:17,756 --> 00:04:18,757
Yeah.
58
00:04:23,257 --> 00:04:26,953
I can't believe that worked.
Well, perfection.
59
00:04:26,955 --> 00:04:28,853
I hope you're both prepared
to go home today,
60
00:04:28,855 --> 00:04:31,355
because I am the best lawyer
in showbiz.
61
00:04:31,357 --> 00:04:32,920
Seriously,
I'm like the Dick Wolf
62
00:04:32,922 --> 00:04:34,821
of getting guys off
with my mouth.
63
00:04:34,823 --> 00:04:38,721
But that's why you hired me,
am I right? Or am I wrong?
64
00:04:38,723 --> 00:04:40,154
But we didn't hire you.
65
00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:42,256
- Small formality.
- [bailiff] All rise.
66
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,657
Thank you. Be seated.
67
00:04:53,090 --> 00:04:56,722
Docket number 37,
People v. Jay and Silent Bob.
68
00:04:56,724 --> 00:04:58,056
Jay and Silent Bob are back?
69
00:04:59,057 --> 00:05:00,422
[groans]
70
00:05:00,424 --> 00:05:01,789
[bailiff]
Charges are drug trafficking
71
00:05:01,791 --> 00:05:03,853
and running an illegal
drug dispensary
72
00:05:03,855 --> 00:05:05,923
disguised as a
chicken sandwich shop called...
73
00:05:06,690 --> 00:05:08,956
[bailiff chuckles,
clears throat]
74
00:05:09,490 --> 00:05:10,921
- ...Cock Smoker.
- [Judge Jerry chuckles]
75
00:05:10,923 --> 00:05:12,890
[laughs]
76
00:05:13,724 --> 00:05:14,725
Hello, boys.
77
00:05:15,224 --> 00:05:17,820
If you two are here,
it must be a weekday,
78
00:05:17,822 --> 00:05:19,721
but this isn't a court
appointed attorney.
79
00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:21,390
I spy one of those lawyers
you have to pay.
80
00:05:21,823 --> 00:05:24,120
How do your clients plead,
Counselor?
81
00:05:24,122 --> 00:05:25,157
[lawyer clears throat]
82
00:05:26,256 --> 00:05:27,357
Not guilty, Your Honor.
83
00:05:28,322 --> 00:05:30,123
I guess the weed grew itself.
84
00:05:31,023 --> 00:05:32,024
People on bail?
85
00:05:32,757 --> 00:05:33,721
Hey, Jerry.
86
00:05:33,723 --> 00:05:36,888
- How you doing?
- So we the people would hope
87
00:05:36,890 --> 00:05:39,657
that Your Highness
would remand custody.
88
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:41,854
Cool?
89
00:05:41,856 --> 00:05:44,155
And I imagine you see it
all differently, Counselor?
90
00:05:44,157 --> 00:05:45,355
The Cock Smoker was neither
91
00:05:45,357 --> 00:05:46,988
eatery nor dispensary,
Your Honor.
92
00:05:46,990 --> 00:05:48,824
It was merely
a promotional pop-up shop.
93
00:05:49,922 --> 00:05:51,054
This affidavit is
from a Hollywood
94
00:05:51,056 --> 00:05:54,020
motion picture company
and this proves that my clients
95
00:05:54,022 --> 00:05:55,953
were nothing more
than paid performers
96
00:05:55,955 --> 00:05:57,355
for a real world
promotional stunt
97
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,890
in support
of a forthcoming movie.
98
00:05:59,723 --> 00:06:01,190
- We are?
- Yes.
99
00:06:01,889 --> 00:06:02,591
We are.
100
00:06:03,090 --> 00:06:05,422
So I ask that all charges
be dropped since my clients
101
00:06:05,424 --> 00:06:08,188
- are so obviously innocent.
- [Judge Jerry] Easy.
102
00:06:08,190 --> 00:06:10,155
They may be obvious
but one thing I would not call
103
00:06:10,157 --> 00:06:11,625
these two is innocent.
104
00:06:12,157 --> 00:06:15,890
But for today, at least,
they are not guilty.
105
00:06:16,456 --> 00:06:19,854
Jay and Silent Bob,
you're free to go.
106
00:06:19,856 --> 00:06:21,057
- Case dismissed.
- [bangs gavel]
107
00:06:21,890 --> 00:06:24,321
Holy shit.
What the fuck just happened?
108
00:06:24,323 --> 00:06:27,691
I set you free, butterflies,
as promised.
109
00:06:28,356 --> 00:06:29,956
Remember Dick Wolfer on Grindr.
110
00:06:33,223 --> 00:06:34,355
[bailiff] Docket number 38,
111
00:06:34,357 --> 00:06:38,124
Hollywood motion picture company
v. Jay and Silent Bob.
112
00:06:41,323 --> 00:06:43,291
Who's here representing
Hollywood?
113
00:06:44,889 --> 00:06:45,956
I am, Your Honor.
114
00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:48,221
What are you doing?
115
00:06:48,223 --> 00:06:49,155
[lawyer] This is only
my second case of the day
116
00:06:49,157 --> 00:06:50,888
and to tell you the truth,
the whole truth,
117
00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:52,120
and nothing but the truth...
[scoffs]
118
00:06:52,122 --> 00:06:54,255
...I already need
a fucking drink. Jesus.
119
00:06:54,257 --> 00:06:55,787
Can we get this going,
Counselor?
120
00:06:55,789 --> 00:06:57,720
As you can see,
I have a ton of cases
121
00:06:57,722 --> 00:06:59,190
that we need
to get through today.
122
00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:34,123
[lawyer] Absolutely, Your Honor.
[clears throat]
123
00:07:34,590 --> 00:07:37,024
Your Honor, my client,
Saban Films,
124
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,388
is seeking an injunction
against the defendants
125
00:07:39,390 --> 00:07:41,121
for copyright infringement
126
00:07:41,123 --> 00:07:44,554
of the trademarked intellectual
property Jay and Silent Bob.
127
00:07:44,556 --> 00:07:46,254
Yo, this guy's lying,
Your Honor.
128
00:07:46,256 --> 00:07:48,153
Me and Silent Bob
don't own any property.
129
00:07:48,155 --> 00:07:50,754
We've never been intellectual
about anything.
130
00:07:50,756 --> 00:07:52,790
Have your mouth take a knee.
131
00:07:53,689 --> 00:07:55,687
Saban Films.
132
00:07:55,689 --> 00:07:57,555
Didn't they make the
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?
133
00:07:57,557 --> 00:07:59,455
Oh, man. You ever see the one
where the red ranger
134
00:07:59,457 --> 00:08:00,720
turns into the gold ranger?
135
00:08:00,722 --> 00:08:03,354
- Dope.
- That was years ago, Your Honor.
136
00:08:03,356 --> 00:08:05,220
Now they're more
of a multimedia company.
137
00:08:05,222 --> 00:08:08,821
Oh. Does the multimedia combine
into a giant Megazord?
138
00:08:08,823 --> 00:08:10,021
Oh, shit.
139
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,758
- [singing] ♪ Go, Power Rangers ♪
- Deep cuts, Your Honor.
140
00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:16,755
Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films
acquired worldwide rights
141
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:19,487
to the campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie
142
00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:24,391
- for about $3,700 on Craigslist.
- They overpaid.
143
00:08:24,823 --> 00:08:28,587
So, now, all the underlying
rights belong to my client,
144
00:08:28,589 --> 00:08:30,724
including,
not only the titular characters,
145
00:08:31,223 --> 00:08:34,190
but their supporting
secret identities as well,
146
00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:38,788
the registered trademarks
of Jay and Silent Bob.
147
00:08:38,790 --> 00:08:42,457
Ergo, Your Honor,
Saban Films owns their names.
148
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:44,455
What?
149
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:47,121
I said Saban Films owns
your names.
150
00:08:47,123 --> 00:08:50,288
Is there any paperwork to back
up a claim this wild, Counselor?
151
00:08:50,290 --> 00:08:51,491
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
152
00:08:52,224 --> 00:08:54,621
I present contracts signed
by the defendants
153
00:08:54,623 --> 00:08:57,454
giving Saban Films
total discretionary control
154
00:08:57,456 --> 00:08:59,454
over the names
Jay and Silent Bob.
155
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,156
That's the paper
we just signed?
156
00:09:02,422 --> 00:09:04,056
Will the defendants please rise?
157
00:09:05,656 --> 00:09:07,256
Oh, shit. We're the defendants?
158
00:09:07,690 --> 00:09:11,687
This document confirms that
Saban Films does indeed own
159
00:09:11,689 --> 00:09:14,520
the 2001 movie
Bluntman and Chronic.
160
00:09:14,522 --> 00:09:17,387
What? That old ass star-studded
piece of shit?
161
00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:19,654
That movie sucked balls.
162
00:09:19,656 --> 00:09:22,154
Not just balls.
It sucked asshole too.
163
00:09:22,156 --> 00:09:23,855
Your Honor, I object.
164
00:09:23,857 --> 00:09:27,121
I'll allow it. That movie did
suck balls and asshole.
165
00:09:27,123 --> 00:09:30,521
Jay and Silent Bob, you are
hereby legally prohibited
166
00:09:30,523 --> 00:09:34,220
from calling yourselves
Jay and Silent Bob ever again.
167
00:09:34,222 --> 00:09:35,521
[bangs gavel]
168
00:09:35,523 --> 00:09:38,221
You're out of order!
You're out of order!
169
00:09:38,223 --> 00:09:41,253
This whole fucking court's
out of order!
170
00:09:41,255 --> 00:09:42,323
Somebody wants an Oscar.
171
00:09:47,190 --> 00:09:50,624
["Social" by Squirtgun playing]
172
00:09:52,290 --> 00:09:54,187
Why'd you move your store
to the mall?
173
00:09:54,189 --> 00:09:56,123
[Brodie] Because apparently,
I wanted to be alone...
174
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,057
Snoogans.
175
00:09:58,524 --> 00:10:00,188
Nah, rent's just cheaper here,
176
00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:02,855
on account of
the mall is slowly dying.
177
00:10:02,857 --> 00:10:05,454
The old girl's
on her last legs, boys.
178
00:10:05,456 --> 00:10:08,123
So much so that you got to
watch out for all the mall rats.
179
00:10:09,189 --> 00:10:10,688
I... I didn't see any kids here.
180
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:13,287
No, I mean the actual rats
we got running around
181
00:10:13,289 --> 00:10:15,253
this abandoned shithole
of a mall.
182
00:10:15,255 --> 00:10:16,321
Hit the deck, boys.
183
00:10:16,323 --> 00:10:17,290
[rat squeaks]
184
00:10:17,890 --> 00:10:19,257
Let me get this straight...
185
00:10:20,090 --> 00:10:23,253
you guys got busted for running
an illegal pot shop
186
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:25,487
inside a fake
chicken sandwich store
187
00:10:25,489 --> 00:10:28,488
and the Hollywood lawyer
you didn't hire got you off,
188
00:10:28,490 --> 00:10:30,554
but then he somehow stole
your names?
189
00:10:30,556 --> 00:10:33,754
And then the cops stole the weed
we were working out for years.
190
00:10:33,756 --> 00:10:36,421
And all we got left
from the best bud in the world
191
00:10:36,423 --> 00:10:38,588
are these three joints
right here
192
00:10:38,590 --> 00:10:41,855
made from the flower of one
of the three strains of gold.
193
00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:44,288
Huh. I knew you guys
were weed dealers,
194
00:10:44,290 --> 00:10:46,354
but I never knew you were
weed growers.
195
00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:47,320
Oh, we learned to grow
196
00:10:47,322 --> 00:10:49,788
from watching our favorite movie
of all time,
197
00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:51,587
How High with
Method and Redman.
198
00:10:51,589 --> 00:10:53,854
They're like the black Jay
and Silent Bob.
199
00:10:53,856 --> 00:10:57,555
Holy shit.
You guys still rent DVDs?
200
00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:59,156
Never heard
of Netflix and chill?
201
00:10:59,923 --> 00:11:02,188
One time we Hulu and humped,
right?
202
00:11:02,190 --> 00:11:04,487
But most nights,
we Redbox and jerk off.
203
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:06,323
So, how are you feeling
about being busted?
204
00:11:07,456 --> 00:11:09,620
♪ The car to drive
What to drink ♪
205
00:11:09,622 --> 00:11:11,787
♪ Ignorant bliss
No need to think ♪
206
00:11:11,789 --> 00:11:14,388
♪ As Barb cakes fetus
On her face ♪
207
00:11:14,390 --> 00:11:16,588
♪ Ken sucks blood
At his workplace... ♪
208
00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:17,755
[phone dings and vibrates]
209
00:11:17,757 --> 00:11:19,187
♪ They take from me... ♪
210
00:11:19,189 --> 00:11:20,189
LOL.
211
00:11:21,823 --> 00:11:23,654
[Jay] And on top of that,
the judge told us
212
00:11:23,656 --> 00:11:25,287
we weren't even legally allowed
213
00:11:25,289 --> 00:11:27,621
to be Jay
and Silent Bob no more,
214
00:11:27,623 --> 00:11:31,224
because our names were bought by
some assholes from Sbarro films.
215
00:11:31,756 --> 00:11:35,354
- You mean Sbarro's?
- Yeah, those pizza-making fucks!
216
00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:39,120
All because of some stupid movie
that was made 20 years ago.
217
00:11:39,122 --> 00:11:41,253
It's like,
"Come on already, move on.
218
00:11:41,255 --> 00:11:43,321
The dishes are done, man."
219
00:11:43,323 --> 00:11:45,320
Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's Dead.
220
00:11:45,322 --> 00:11:47,556
- A Keith Coogan classic.
- Snoogans.
221
00:11:48,022 --> 00:11:51,320
Well, you know, fellas,
I think your legal woes
222
00:11:51,322 --> 00:11:53,388
have less to do
with the stupid old movie
223
00:11:53,390 --> 00:11:55,488
that came out 20 years ago,
224
00:11:55,490 --> 00:11:59,187
and more to do with the stupid
new movie that's coming soon
225
00:11:59,189 --> 00:12:00,356
to a theater near you.
226
00:12:04,855 --> 00:12:06,454
[Brodie] Oh, come on.
227
00:12:06,456 --> 00:12:08,254
Don't tell me you guys
have no idea
228
00:12:08,256 --> 00:12:10,320
there's a new comic book movie
being made
229
00:12:10,322 --> 00:12:13,153
of the old comic book movie
you two are the basis for.
230
00:12:13,155 --> 00:12:14,720
What, again?
231
00:12:14,722 --> 00:12:17,488
And look, they took away my dick
and made me a girl.
232
00:12:17,490 --> 00:12:21,654
I cannot believe they're gonna
remake this Bluntman bullshit.
233
00:12:21,656 --> 00:12:23,624
Uh, it's not a remake,
it's a reboot.
234
00:12:25,590 --> 00:12:27,357
What the fuck is a reboot?
235
00:12:28,423 --> 00:12:30,454
Well, a reboot, boys,
236
00:12:30,456 --> 00:12:32,388
is when Hollywood wants to make
a lot of money
237
00:12:32,390 --> 00:12:34,320
without the hassle of creating
a new movie,
238
00:12:34,322 --> 00:12:36,687
so they take an old movie
and change just enough
239
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,420
to make you pay for
the same shit all over again.
240
00:12:39,422 --> 00:12:42,654
- Those greedy fucking animals.
- Oh, it's insidious.
241
00:12:42,656 --> 00:12:44,320
They take a flick you loved
as a kid
242
00:12:44,322 --> 00:12:46,354
and add youth
and diversity to it.
243
00:12:46,356 --> 00:12:49,353
For example, name the movie
where a robot has secret plans
244
00:12:49,355 --> 00:12:51,555
that could help the good guys
beat the bad guys
245
00:12:51,557 --> 00:12:53,420
and their leader in a black mask
246
00:12:53,422 --> 00:12:55,687
by blowing up a giant ray gun
in space.
247
00:12:55,689 --> 00:12:58,688
- Star Wars.
- No. The Force Awakens.
248
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:01,524
See, now, that's what you call
a reboot. Nang.
249
00:13:02,755 --> 00:13:04,154
I thought that was a sequel.
250
00:13:04,156 --> 00:13:06,588
Hollywood doesn't make
sequels anymore.
251
00:13:06,590 --> 00:13:08,557
Shit, they don't even make
squeakquels, yo.
252
00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:12,387
Studios have given up
on new ideas entirely
253
00:13:12,389 --> 00:13:14,487
in favor of building
multi-movie universes
254
00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:17,621
that breed brand-loyal customers
from cradle to grave.
255
00:13:17,623 --> 00:13:20,120
So if you like Harry Potter,
cashinigus,
256
00:13:20,122 --> 00:13:21,655
you're getting ten fucking more.
257
00:13:21,657 --> 00:13:23,487
You like The Fast and Furious
flicks,
258
00:13:23,489 --> 00:13:26,621
we're gonna drive the franchise
into the ground, bitch.
259
00:13:26,623 --> 00:13:29,554
Ooh, you want another
Marvel movie, here we go.
260
00:13:29,556 --> 00:13:32,754
Hey, man, those Marvel movies
are a triumph of cinema.
261
00:13:32,756 --> 00:13:36,320
I live on those Marvel movies.
I live for those Marvel movies.
262
00:13:36,322 --> 00:13:38,520
I watch those Marvel movies
more than I watch Pornhub,
263
00:13:38,522 --> 00:13:40,455
and I cum twice as hard
doing it.
264
00:13:40,457 --> 00:13:43,321
- Dishes are done, man.
- Look, all I'm saying is,
265
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,719
if Hollywood doesn't start
making some original flicks now,
266
00:13:45,721 --> 00:13:48,288
there's not gonna be anything
to be reboot in ten years,
267
00:13:48,290 --> 00:13:49,757
then they'll just be rebooting
the reboots.
268
00:13:50,189 --> 00:13:52,854
It's like we're reaching
point break for pop culture,
269
00:13:52,856 --> 00:13:54,455
and it ain't gonna be
the good Point Break
270
00:13:54,457 --> 00:13:57,420
with Swayz-dog and Keanu.
It's gonna be the remake.
271
00:13:57,422 --> 00:14:00,621
Wait. What's the difference
between a reboot and a remake?
272
00:14:00,623 --> 00:14:02,254
Well, I'm glad you asked, Jay,
273
00:14:02,256 --> 00:14:04,853
because a remake is like
a reboot where the studio
274
00:14:04,855 --> 00:14:07,620
doesn't care how the audience
feels about the original movie,
275
00:14:07,622 --> 00:14:10,320
so, they just keep the title,
fuck up everything else,
276
00:14:10,322 --> 00:14:12,722
and ruin both flicks
in the process, see?
277
00:14:13,457 --> 00:14:16,587
Which is probably what
Bluntman v Chronic is gonna be,
278
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,655
because the director of this
impending abortion of cinema
279
00:14:19,657 --> 00:14:22,256
is none other than
Kevin fucking Smith.
280
00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:25,754
- Who?
- You know, the guy who directed
281
00:14:25,756 --> 00:14:27,719
that Bruce Willis winner,
Cop Out.
282
00:14:27,721 --> 00:14:28,853
That queef.
283
00:14:28,855 --> 00:14:31,687
They still let him make movies
after that walrus shit?
284
00:14:31,689 --> 00:14:33,253
What can I tell you,
in Hollywood,
285
00:14:33,255 --> 00:14:34,555
people fail upwards.
286
00:14:34,557 --> 00:14:36,654
I fucking hate
stupid Kevin Smith,
287
00:14:36,656 --> 00:14:39,590
first, he took away our names,
then he took away my dick.
288
00:14:40,022 --> 00:14:42,220
Well, we gotta stop
stupid Kevin Smith
289
00:14:42,222 --> 00:14:43,588
from making
another shitty movie
290
00:14:43,590 --> 00:14:46,288
about Jay
and Silent Bob ever again.
291
00:14:46,290 --> 00:14:49,023
Well, then, youse guys better
get your asses to Chronic-Con.
292
00:14:51,122 --> 00:14:53,786
- And what the fuck is this shit?
- [Brodie] Chronic-Con,
293
00:14:53,788 --> 00:14:56,555
when it started out, it was
a homegrown fanfest for people
294
00:14:56,557 --> 00:14:59,221
who love that campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie
295
00:14:59,223 --> 00:15:01,090
with Jason Biggs
and James Van Der Beek.
296
00:15:01,589 --> 00:15:04,554
Those guys, I saw them bitches
get beat up by a monkey.
297
00:15:04,556 --> 00:15:06,153
But now,
Chronic-Con's morphed
298
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,121
into an annual
pop culture convention.
299
00:15:08,123 --> 00:15:09,754
I don't know how you guys would
even get in at this point.
300
00:15:09,756 --> 00:15:10,954
Tickets are already sold-out.
301
00:15:10,956 --> 00:15:14,353
Sold-out? After all these years,
what kind of broken fucks
302
00:15:14,355 --> 00:15:17,622
still wanna watch this Jay
and Silent Bob bullshit anyway?
303
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,254
Well, enough to run
an Omaze auction
304
00:15:25,256 --> 00:15:26,623
for a cameo in the reboot.
305
00:15:28,323 --> 00:15:30,424
Hey, man, it's me, Kevin Smith.
306
00:15:30,856 --> 00:15:31,623
You know, the filmmaker...
307
00:15:32,157 --> 00:15:36,088
Look at this ugly motherfucker,
probably got a tiny dick too.
308
00:15:36,090 --> 00:15:38,254
Now, I got some big news
for you, man,
309
00:15:38,256 --> 00:15:42,353
we are shooting a key sequence
to Bluntman v Chronic
310
00:15:42,355 --> 00:15:45,153
at this year's Chronic-Con, man.
311
00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:46,687
This scene is so important.
312
00:15:46,689 --> 00:15:50,088
We cannot finish this movie
without it.
313
00:15:50,090 --> 00:15:53,087
So enter right now
and maybe I'll see you
314
00:15:53,089 --> 00:15:55,689
this Friday in Hollywood.
315
00:15:57,689 --> 00:15:59,189
Would you fucking stop?
316
00:15:59,621 --> 00:16:00,719
Dick.
317
00:16:00,721 --> 00:16:03,586
Hollywood,
where we struck back, yo.
318
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,320
Oh, you will never find
a more wretched hive
319
00:16:06,322 --> 00:16:07,653
of scum
and villainy.
320
00:16:07,655 --> 00:16:10,320
But that “director” just said
they couldn't finish the movie
321
00:16:10,322 --> 00:16:12,720
without the scene they're
shooting at this Chronic-Con.
322
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,753
So all we got to do is get
to Hollywood,
323
00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:16,787
stop him from shooting
that scene and biggity bam,
324
00:16:16,789 --> 00:16:18,719
Kevin James can't finish
the movie.
325
00:16:18,721 --> 00:16:20,487
Ke... Never mind.
326
00:16:20,489 --> 00:16:22,254
We got three days to get
to Chronic-Con,
327
00:16:22,256 --> 00:16:25,487
take our names back, rescue
my dick from Kevin James
328
00:16:25,489 --> 00:16:28,120
and stop this reboot
from ever happening.
329
00:16:28,122 --> 00:16:31,420
Come on, Silent Bob,
we're going back to Hollywood.
330
00:16:31,422 --> 00:16:33,523
And on that note,
we cue the music.
331
00:16:34,456 --> 00:16:39,423
[imitating music]
332
00:16:45,522 --> 00:16:47,024
[woman] Have a great flight.
333
00:16:50,422 --> 00:16:52,619
Hi, there.
Welcome to Southbest Airlines.
334
00:16:52,621 --> 00:16:54,221
How can I help y'all?
335
00:16:54,223 --> 00:16:56,619
“Y'all”? What kind
of Jersey accent is that?
336
00:16:56,621 --> 00:16:58,420
I'm from South Jersey.
337
00:16:58,422 --> 00:17:00,288
Now, what can I do for y'all?
338
00:17:00,290 --> 00:17:01,753
Two tickets to Hollywood.
339
00:17:01,755 --> 00:17:05,257
In coach, I'm assuming.
340
00:17:07,222 --> 00:17:09,723
That'll be 337 a piece, boys.
341
00:17:16,655 --> 00:17:17,655
Oh.
342
00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:21,224
How about we start
with y'all's names?
343
00:17:23,521 --> 00:17:27,087
I am Don Juan Dela Nooch.
344
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,220
[chuckles]
345
00:17:28,222 --> 00:17:33,519
And this is
Senor Roberto Silencio.
346
00:17:33,521 --> 00:17:35,287
Those names sound
kind of made-up.
347
00:17:35,289 --> 00:17:38,321
Listen, lady, our real names
are Jay and Silent Bob,
348
00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:39,587
- but this morning...
- Yeah.
349
00:17:39,589 --> 00:17:42,253
...Kevin James,
The King of fucking Queens,
350
00:17:42,255 --> 00:17:43,586
stole those names.
351
00:17:43,588 --> 00:17:46,087
I can't book y'all under your
fake names,
352
00:17:46,089 --> 00:17:49,423
so why don't I try
Jay and Silent Bob,
353
00:17:50,023 --> 00:17:52,257
which also sound
like fake names, I might add.
354
00:17:54,389 --> 00:17:57,088
- [screen buzzes]
- [woman] Ooh, sorry, boys,
355
00:17:57,090 --> 00:18:00,757
but it says here that you got
a wait problem.
356
00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:03,188
[coins clatter]
357
00:18:03,190 --> 00:18:05,388
- Weight problem?
- Mm-hmm.
358
00:18:05,390 --> 00:18:07,754
Are you saying
he's still too fat to fly?
359
00:18:07,756 --> 00:18:10,354
Are you fucking blind
as Anne Frank?
360
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,253
Silent Bob lost a bunch
of weight, lady.
361
00:18:13,255 --> 00:18:17,353
He went all vegan and shit,
eating that v-gina.
362
00:18:17,355 --> 00:18:19,619
- That's not right.
- I used to call him lunch box,
363
00:18:19,621 --> 00:18:22,087
but now I have to call him
snack pack.
364
00:18:22,089 --> 00:18:24,453
I used to say,
"Fly, fat ass. Fly."
365
00:18:24,455 --> 00:18:27,454
Now I have to say,
"Fly, low-fat ass. Fly."
366
00:18:27,456 --> 00:18:29,187
Let me make something
straight here,
367
00:18:29,189 --> 00:18:31,787
I said, "Wait problem."
368
00:18:31,789 --> 00:18:38,486
And the... problem is
that y'all can't fly,
369
00:18:38,488 --> 00:18:40,323
because ya are
on the No-Fly List.
370
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:45,486
There is something here about
a terrorist organization
371
00:18:45,488 --> 00:18:48,454
- called The Clit.
- The Clit's not real.
372
00:18:48,456 --> 00:18:50,390
Says every guy I ever dated.
373
00:18:50,889 --> 00:18:53,353
I'm sorry, but y'all can't fly,
374
00:18:53,355 --> 00:18:55,121
because y'all are
on the No-Fly List,
375
00:18:55,123 --> 00:18:56,220
but you know what you could do,
376
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:57,555
maybe you could
Ride Me Now instead.
377
00:18:59,856 --> 00:19:01,121
Ride you now?
378
00:19:01,123 --> 00:19:04,188
Ride Me Now is a ride-share app.
379
00:19:04,190 --> 00:19:06,321
So you just do one click
380
00:19:06,323 --> 00:19:09,619
and Ride Me Now
will send you a car
381
00:19:09,621 --> 00:19:12,254
and that car will take y'all
wherever y'all wanna go.
382
00:19:12,256 --> 00:19:13,653
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
383
00:19:13,655 --> 00:19:16,254
Well then, fuck your planes,
Joline.
384
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:17,590
Okay. Bye-bye.
385
00:19:18,755 --> 00:19:20,123
Go fuck yourself.
386
00:19:23,555 --> 00:19:25,056
[phone buzzes]
387
00:19:27,255 --> 00:19:30,057
The app needs a credit card?
Dude, what are we gonna do?
388
00:19:30,789 --> 00:19:32,853
You know what you do,
you go fuck yourself,
389
00:19:32,855 --> 00:19:34,156
that's what you do.
390
00:19:34,922 --> 00:19:38,354
No. You listen to me,
you call center Khalifa,
391
00:19:38,356 --> 00:19:41,354
the dummy at the counter
couldn't find my reservation,
392
00:19:41,356 --> 00:19:43,419
that's why you're gonna find
my reservation
393
00:19:43,421 --> 00:19:45,587
or I'm gonna have
the both of you fired.
394
00:19:45,589 --> 00:19:48,154
Someone should teach
that motherfucker a lesson.
395
00:19:48,156 --> 00:19:50,586
All right. I'm gonna give you
the credit card number again.
396
00:19:50,588 --> 00:19:52,719
I'm gonna read it so slowly
397
00:19:52,721 --> 00:19:56,386
and out loud in public so that
you will understand.
398
00:19:56,388 --> 00:19:59,256
All right. The name
is Ted Underhill.
399
00:20:00,222 --> 00:20:02,088
Not Ed, Ted.
400
00:20:02,090 --> 00:20:03,324
T... T... T... T.
401
00:20:05,156 --> 00:20:07,324
And the number is nine...
402
00:20:09,190 --> 00:20:10,190
five...
403
00:20:10,655 --> 00:20:11,853
eight...
404
00:20:11,855 --> 00:20:12,789
four...
405
00:20:19,256 --> 00:20:20,387
Ted Underhill?
406
00:20:20,389 --> 00:20:24,753
Yo,
I'm Ted motherfucking Underhill.
407
00:20:24,755 --> 00:20:26,423
[car horns honking]
408
00:20:30,488 --> 00:20:33,154
Wait. You wanna smoke
one of those unicorns now?
409
00:20:33,156 --> 00:20:34,854
Dude, we only got
three left, man.
410
00:20:34,856 --> 00:20:37,487
And after we smoke them,
they're gone forever.
411
00:20:37,489 --> 00:20:39,719
Let's save them
for a special occasion.
412
00:20:39,721 --> 00:20:44,389
I say we smoke
this little bitch.
413
00:20:44,822 --> 00:20:46,023
Ooh.
414
00:20:46,722 --> 00:20:49,821
Oh, come on, man.
I roll a perfect Silent Bob
415
00:20:49,823 --> 00:20:51,587
and you're pissed about it?
416
00:20:51,589 --> 00:20:53,723
This motherfucker belongs
in a museum, son.
417
00:20:55,089 --> 00:20:56,089
Light it up.
418
00:21:06,388 --> 00:21:09,121
I'm almost glad you guys
are smoking back there.
419
00:21:09,123 --> 00:21:11,221
I was driving someone
about a week ago
420
00:21:11,223 --> 00:21:14,787
and he took a, uh, big shit
in the back seat.
421
00:21:14,789 --> 00:21:17,757
I had no idea until the next
passenger found it.
422
00:21:18,488 --> 00:21:19,689
It was everywhere.
423
00:21:20,288 --> 00:21:21,722
You have no idea how hard it is
424
00:21:22,753 --> 00:21:23,622
to get the smell of shit
out of pleather.
425
00:21:24,056 --> 00:21:27,124
I mean, it just stays there,
really, it's like a ghost.
426
00:21:27,722 --> 00:21:30,589
You guys are my first two
passengers since that big shit.
427
00:21:31,389 --> 00:21:33,619
I'm your driver by the way,
Todd Merkinsky.
428
00:21:33,621 --> 00:21:35,220
Nice to meet you.
429
00:21:35,222 --> 00:21:38,687
Oh, Merkinsky.
I will call you Merkin.
430
00:21:38,689 --> 00:21:40,720
[chuckling]
431
00:21:40,722 --> 00:21:41,819
Todd would be better.
432
00:21:41,821 --> 00:21:44,487
Why does your car smell like
French fries, Merkin?
433
00:21:44,489 --> 00:21:47,623
Because in my car, guess what
I have instead of gum,
434
00:21:48,488 --> 00:21:51,587
I have tater tots.
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
435
00:21:51,589 --> 00:21:53,619
You got tater tots up
in this bitch,
436
00:21:53,621 --> 00:21:54,754
where you'd get them?
437
00:21:54,756 --> 00:21:57,653
Well, I'm a businessman,
an entrepreneur,
438
00:21:57,655 --> 00:22:02,686
and, uh, I had a business idea,
teen girls love tater tots.
439
00:22:02,688 --> 00:22:05,722
So I came up with Hater Totz.
440
00:22:06,288 --> 00:22:08,520
Got a little, uh, quiz on there,
441
00:22:08,522 --> 00:22:10,389
you know, is your BFF
really the bezt
442
00:22:10,822 --> 00:22:13,121
and it's kind of like a,
I don't know,
443
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:14,690
TigerBeat
on a box of tater tots.
444
00:22:15,190 --> 00:22:16,754
And those tween girls,
445
00:22:16,756 --> 00:22:19,088
they still love that TigerBeat,
right?
446
00:22:19,090 --> 00:22:20,453
[chuckles]
Right?
447
00:22:20,455 --> 00:22:22,522
I'm wrong. I was very wrong.
448
00:22:22,990 --> 00:22:26,286
Hater Totz means different
things to different people.
449
00:22:26,288 --> 00:22:27,821
What do I mean by that?
450
00:22:27,823 --> 00:22:31,787
Well, Hater Totz started
attracting a customer base
451
00:22:31,789 --> 00:22:34,690
I never wanted or asked for...
452
00:22:36,123 --> 00:22:37,454
white nationalists.
453
00:22:37,456 --> 00:22:39,590
Can you believe it?
How did they even hear about it?
454
00:22:40,222 --> 00:22:43,722
So, I shut down. I just declared
bankruptcy and now, well...
455
00:22:44,456 --> 00:22:47,387
I serve these leftover
tater tots to all my riders,
456
00:22:47,389 --> 00:22:49,553
F-O-C, free of charge.
457
00:22:49,555 --> 00:22:51,554
Take as many tater tots
as you want,
458
00:22:51,556 --> 00:22:54,153
eat all the tater tots you take.
459
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:56,486
By the way, I don't know
if my app is wrong,
460
00:22:56,488 --> 00:22:59,720
but, uh, it says here you're
supposed to go to Hollywood?
461
00:22:59,722 --> 00:23:02,353
All right. That's very,
very far. I'll make you a deal.
462
00:23:02,355 --> 00:23:05,419
I'll drive you all the way
to Hollywood, California.
463
00:23:05,421 --> 00:23:08,553
You give me a big tip
and some amazing feedback.
464
00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:13,152
Deal-io Emilio.
Now, drive, Miss Daisy. Drive.
465
00:23:13,154 --> 00:23:15,123
All right. Here we go.
Hollywood.
466
00:23:20,254 --> 00:23:22,420
Hi. Remember me?
467
00:23:22,422 --> 00:23:25,390
I'm Loki, the Angel of Death
from Dogma.
468
00:23:26,123 --> 00:23:28,353
Now, if your kids are looking
at you right now like,
469
00:23:28,355 --> 00:23:29,553
"That's not Tom Hiddleston,"
470
00:23:29,555 --> 00:23:32,754
just tell them I was Loki
in the '90s, before it was cool.
471
00:23:32,756 --> 00:23:35,024
And I did it
without the fake British accent.
472
00:23:35,523 --> 00:23:38,453
Anyway, for 20 years now
people ask,
473
00:23:38,455 --> 00:23:40,620
"What happened to Loki
at the end of Dogma?
474
00:23:40,622 --> 00:23:41,690
Did he go to hell?”
475
00:23:42,788 --> 00:23:44,056
Heavens no.
476
00:23:44,688 --> 00:23:47,420
Pun intended. But I did almost
unmake existence,
477
00:23:47,422 --> 00:23:50,653
so as punishment, God, who looks
exactly like Alanis Morissette,
478
00:23:50,655 --> 00:23:53,587
banished me to life on earth
again,
479
00:23:53,589 --> 00:23:56,486
but not Wisconsin this time.
Thank, Christ. No.
480
00:23:56,488 --> 00:23:59,120
God dropped me
in the Mediterranean Sea
481
00:23:59,122 --> 00:24:01,223
where I was rescued
by Italian fisherman.
482
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,219
I didn't even know
who I was anymore.
483
00:24:03,221 --> 00:24:04,619
I had total amnesia.
484
00:24:04,621 --> 00:24:06,654
So, after the events of Dogma,
485
00:24:06,656 --> 00:24:09,353
I guess you could say
I was born again.
486
00:24:09,355 --> 00:24:11,390
And what you're looking
at now is...
487
00:24:12,589 --> 00:24:16,520
wait for it, my reborn identity.
488
00:24:16,522 --> 00:24:19,554
Oh, shit. Pun game on point.
489
00:24:19,556 --> 00:24:21,620
You just got touched
by an angel, son.
490
00:24:21,622 --> 00:24:23,489
["Redemption Vibe"
by Clive Darien & more plays]
491
00:24:23,922 --> 00:24:27,186
Anyway,
after driving for half a day,
492
00:24:27,188 --> 00:24:29,754
Jay and Silent Bob
stopped in Chicago,
493
00:24:29,756 --> 00:24:31,723
where their lives
would change forever.
494
00:24:32,389 --> 00:24:36,586
♪ You better be ready
Without that trumpet sound ♪
495
00:24:36,588 --> 00:24:39,453
♪ I know I'm the type
To sneak around n play around ♪
496
00:24:39,455 --> 00:24:40,521
♪ Be ready ♪
497
00:24:40,523 --> 00:24:43,186
♪ Because we're moving on
That town no more ♪
498
00:24:43,188 --> 00:24:45,720
♪ Into Babylon we roam
You better be ready... ♪
499
00:24:45,722 --> 00:24:49,352
Oh, yeah. Cha-cha-cha-cha.
Nice driving, Merkin.
500
00:24:49,354 --> 00:24:51,553
Oh, thanks, Misters Underhill.
501
00:24:51,555 --> 00:24:53,553
To be honest,
I'm glad you wanted to stop.
502
00:24:53,555 --> 00:24:56,453
No offense, but, uh, your
cigarettes are kind of strong.
503
00:24:56,455 --> 00:24:59,322
We ain't smoking cigarettes,
we smoking that weed.
504
00:25:00,655 --> 00:25:02,055
You're smoking marijuana?
505
00:25:02,522 --> 00:25:06,453
Ah, wow.
506
00:25:06,455 --> 00:25:07,689
You guys are so brave.
507
00:25:09,288 --> 00:25:10,786
I'm always scared to be busted
by the cops,
508
00:25:10,788 --> 00:25:13,288
so I've never tried weed
my entire life.
509
00:25:15,688 --> 00:25:18,455
♪ Let's get together
Make the locals stronger... ♪
510
00:25:18,956 --> 00:25:22,619
What? Wait a second. Wait... No.
You wanna give him one of those?
511
00:25:22,621 --> 00:25:24,654
You just heard the man,
he's never smoked in his life
512
00:25:24,656 --> 00:25:26,821
and you wanna bust
his green cherry
513
00:25:26,823 --> 00:25:29,253
with one of our last strains
of gold we have left?
514
00:25:29,255 --> 00:25:30,590
Dude, what are you thinking,
bro?
515
00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:34,653
Oh, Jersey Local 404.
516
00:25:34,655 --> 00:25:36,821
Jersey makes,
the whole world bakes.
517
00:25:36,823 --> 00:25:39,289
We feed every need for weed,
son.
518
00:25:39,956 --> 00:25:42,656
Merkin, this is gonna change
your life.
519
00:25:43,455 --> 00:25:44,455
Change it.
520
00:25:45,388 --> 00:25:48,087
♪ I reach to find
Though have no return ♪
521
00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:49,853
- ♪ The liberation of my people ♪
- There you go, boss.
522
00:25:49,855 --> 00:25:51,720
♪ Is my main concern ♪
523
00:25:51,722 --> 00:25:53,790
♪ Only if we come together... ♪
524
00:25:55,455 --> 00:25:57,219
- [cow moos]
- [song plays]
525
00:25:57,221 --> 00:25:59,255
- Yeah.
- ♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪
526
00:26:00,121 --> 00:26:02,854
♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪
527
00:26:02,856 --> 00:26:06,056
Fuck me up the vegan ass.
I'm gonna get my cow tipper on.
528
00:26:06,588 --> 00:26:09,720
♪ Mooby's is the best
Yes ♪
529
00:26:09,722 --> 00:26:13,287
♪ Mom and Dad
Let's go to Mooby's ♪
530
00:26:13,289 --> 00:26:14,589
♪ Right now! ♪
531
00:26:15,122 --> 00:26:18,286
♪ I want Mooby Mooby in my mouth
Go, go, go ♪
532
00:26:18,288 --> 00:26:21,520
♪ I have Mooby Mooby
In my mouth ♪
533
00:26:21,522 --> 00:26:23,420
♪ He fills me up with meat... ♪
534
00:26:23,422 --> 00:26:24,786
Mr. Underhill.
535
00:26:24,788 --> 00:26:26,653
- Mr. Underhill. Mr. Underhill.
- [banging on glass]
536
00:26:26,655 --> 00:26:28,119
♪ ...down South ♪
537
00:26:28,121 --> 00:26:31,319
♪ So, Master Mooby
You're the boss... ♪
538
00:26:31,321 --> 00:26:33,386
Welcome to Moo-by's.
539
00:26:33,388 --> 00:26:36,352
What are you
in the moo-d for today?
540
00:26:36,354 --> 00:26:37,754
[song continues in background]
541
00:26:37,756 --> 00:26:41,220
Let me get one of those
Moo-ilk shakes
542
00:26:41,222 --> 00:26:43,187
and a cow tipper with fries.
543
00:26:43,189 --> 00:26:47,087
And, oh, let me get one of those
fur burgers Brazilian style
544
00:26:47,089 --> 00:26:48,356
for our chauffer outside.
545
00:26:49,289 --> 00:26:50,289
Cool.
546
00:26:53,721 --> 00:26:55,288
What?
You want me to order for you?
547
00:26:55,756 --> 00:26:58,153
I don't want your v-gina
touching my burgers.
548
00:26:58,155 --> 00:27:01,353
Come on, dude. That's why
you don't get laid, sir,
549
00:27:01,355 --> 00:27:03,453
because women love meat
in their mouth,
550
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:05,454
and you ain't nothing
but a broccoli bitch.
551
00:27:05,456 --> 00:27:07,490
So, if you wanna order
your healthy veggies,
552
00:27:07,921 --> 00:27:11,322
open your mouth, do it yourself.
I'm gonna go drop a deuce.
553
00:27:18,621 --> 00:27:21,356
You in the moo-d
for anything else?
554
00:27:27,688 --> 00:27:28,689
[phone dings]
555
00:27:31,588 --> 00:27:32,586
Uh-uh.
556
00:27:32,588 --> 00:27:35,390
You did not just offer me
your old man dick.
557
00:27:35,889 --> 00:27:40,420
Okay. Fine. Whip it out.
Come on. Just whip it out.
558
00:27:40,422 --> 00:27:43,754
- Ms. McKenzie!
- What the fuck is going on here?
559
00:27:43,756 --> 00:27:46,023
This old fool
just egg-planted me.
560
00:27:46,555 --> 00:27:49,620
Uh, I'm 47 and I have no idea
what that means.
561
00:27:49,622 --> 00:27:51,386
Now this dirty
old assfuck's in here
562
00:27:51,388 --> 00:27:53,786
trying to show us his dirty
old-ass dick, Ms. McKenzie,
563
00:27:53,788 --> 00:27:55,590
so bust his ass.
564
00:27:58,688 --> 00:28:00,653
Okay, sir. You're gonna have
to come with me.
565
00:28:00,655 --> 00:28:01,556
This way.
566
00:28:20,221 --> 00:28:22,754
[man, on TV] Congratulations,
Flappy. You deserve it.
567
00:28:22,756 --> 00:28:25,853
And now with the forecast,
here's News 10's meteorologist,
568
00:28:25,855 --> 00:28:26,820
Justice Falcon.
569
00:28:26,822 --> 00:28:28,620
What's the weather
going to be tomorrow?
570
00:28:28,622 --> 00:28:30,554
We are gonna get so much rain,
571
00:28:30,556 --> 00:28:32,719
I'm getting wet
just thinking about it.
572
00:28:32,721 --> 00:28:34,320
["Keep on Loving You"
by REO Speedwagon plays]
573
00:28:34,322 --> 00:28:35,289
Justice?
574
00:28:39,088 --> 00:28:44,155
♪ You should have seen
By the look in my eyes, baby ♪
575
00:28:44,755 --> 00:28:48,522
♪ There was something missing ♪
576
00:28:49,822 --> 00:28:54,119
♪ And I meant
Every word I said ♪
577
00:28:54,121 --> 00:28:57,586
♪ When I said that I loved you ♪
578
00:28:57,588 --> 00:29:04,819
♪ I meant that I'd love you
Forever ♪
579
00:29:04,821 --> 00:29:09,690
♪ And I'm gonna keep on
Loving you ♪
580
00:29:10,256 --> 00:29:15,322
♪ 'Cause it's the only thing
I wanna do ♪
581
00:29:16,788 --> 00:29:19,519
♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪
582
00:29:19,521 --> 00:29:23,722
♪ I just wanna
Keep on loving you ♪
583
00:29:27,455 --> 00:29:29,022
[guitar breakdown]
584
00:29:46,822 --> 00:29:50,153
Holy shit, Silent Bob. Look,
it's my long-lost ex-girlfriend,
585
00:29:50,155 --> 00:29:51,319
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
586
00:29:51,321 --> 00:29:54,120
Oh, shit. Is he having a stroke?
587
00:29:54,122 --> 00:29:55,753
Yo, Mary, I used to knock boots
588
00:29:55,755 --> 00:29:57,086
with the weather lady,
all right?
589
00:29:57,088 --> 00:29:58,152
So I'm gonna go find her
590
00:29:58,154 --> 00:29:59,719
and I'm gonna give her
a warm front
591
00:29:59,721 --> 00:30:03,389
with a possible low of 69.
Snoogans.
592
00:30:06,854 --> 00:30:08,355
You want a burger for lunch?
593
00:30:09,488 --> 00:30:11,355
Uh, no thanks.
I just ate some vegan.
594
00:30:11,788 --> 00:30:13,356
[cow moos]
595
00:30:17,555 --> 00:30:19,023
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
596
00:30:20,656 --> 00:30:22,619
Holy shit, Merkin's gone.
597
00:30:22,621 --> 00:30:25,086
That entrepreneurial fuck.
598
00:30:25,088 --> 00:30:26,187
Ooh, and your dumbass gave him
599
00:30:26,189 --> 00:30:28,722
one of the last three
strains of gold we had left.
600
00:30:29,222 --> 00:30:31,123
Let's write him a nasty review.
601
00:30:33,655 --> 00:30:35,352
Type this shit,
602
00:30:35,354 --> 00:30:37,620
"Oh, motherfucker,
you're gonna pay.
603
00:30:37,622 --> 00:30:40,252
You are the one
who is the Hater Tot.
604
00:30:40,254 --> 00:30:43,319
Fuck your frozen food dreams.
605
00:30:43,321 --> 00:30:44,820
Do you even know
what a merkin is?
606
00:30:44,822 --> 00:30:47,454
It is a pube toupee.
607
00:30:47,456 --> 00:30:49,419
So why don't you live up
to your name
608
00:30:49,421 --> 00:30:53,120
and go sit on some bald dick.
609
00:30:53,122 --> 00:30:54,323
[laughing]
610
00:31:06,854 --> 00:31:08,486
Lady, lady, lady,
611
00:31:08,488 --> 00:31:11,522
Jay and Silent Bob
are at your hizouse.
612
00:31:12,455 --> 00:31:14,155
Holy shit.
613
00:31:16,456 --> 00:31:19,420
Dude, she's so excited
to see me, she fainted.
614
00:31:19,422 --> 00:31:22,519
Look at that shit, man.
When she wakes up, I'll be like,
615
00:31:22,521 --> 00:31:26,454
"Come, son of Jor-El,
kneel before Zod."
616
00:31:26,456 --> 00:31:27,553
["Like a Monster" by Sway plays]
617
00:31:27,555 --> 00:31:29,819
♪ Like a monster
Now they can see me coming ♪
618
00:31:29,821 --> 00:31:31,322
♪ And I only came to crush 'em ♪
619
00:31:31,888 --> 00:31:33,320
[girl] Sleep, big boy, sleep.
620
00:31:33,322 --> 00:31:34,789
♪ Get ready
For the main destruction ♪
621
00:31:43,322 --> 00:31:46,223
Holy fuck!
[screams]
622
00:31:46,754 --> 00:31:47,819
♪ Like a monster ♪
623
00:31:47,821 --> 00:31:49,155
What the fuck is this?
624
00:31:49,623 --> 00:31:51,152
What the fuck is this?
625
00:31:51,154 --> 00:31:53,519
What the fuck are you
even doing here, Jay?
626
00:31:53,521 --> 00:31:55,255
I missed you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
627
00:31:56,188 --> 00:31:58,188
Aw, you remembered.
628
00:31:59,321 --> 00:32:01,222
- I missed you too.
- Yeah?
629
00:32:02,255 --> 00:32:03,423
Old friend.
630
00:32:04,188 --> 00:32:05,553
Old friend? No, bro.
631
00:32:05,555 --> 00:32:07,319
I'm like a super friend,
all right?
632
00:32:07,321 --> 00:32:09,153
A super friend
who wants to get back
633
00:32:09,155 --> 00:32:12,387
inside the hall of Justice,
yeah.
634
00:32:12,389 --> 00:32:14,056
Uh, okay. Sit down.
635
00:32:20,455 --> 00:32:21,455
Okay.
636
00:32:23,456 --> 00:32:24,456
I'm married, Jay.
637
00:32:25,389 --> 00:32:27,289
Ew, you're fucking married?
638
00:32:28,222 --> 00:32:30,189
- Yeah.
- What about us?
639
00:32:30,688 --> 00:32:32,087
Us?
640
00:32:32,089 --> 00:32:34,352
I haven't heard from you
in 18 years, Jay.
641
00:32:34,354 --> 00:32:37,153
I mean, you never even came
to see me when I was in jail.
642
00:32:37,155 --> 00:32:39,288
Oh, that's because they
wouldn't let us fuck.
643
00:32:40,521 --> 00:32:42,654
Is that why you never visited?
644
00:32:44,089 --> 00:32:46,287
[chuckles]
Oh, my gosh. And all this time,
645
00:32:46,289 --> 00:32:48,390
I just thought
you were mad at me.
646
00:32:48,822 --> 00:32:51,356
Why would I be mad at you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?
647
00:32:51,921 --> 00:32:54,688
Because I never told you
I had a baby.
648
00:32:56,455 --> 00:32:59,320
Ew, you're
someone's fucking mom now?
649
00:32:59,322 --> 00:33:01,187
Yes, you big goof.
650
00:33:01,189 --> 00:33:05,220
And, uh, I thought you'd be
upset if you ever found out
651
00:33:05,222 --> 00:33:06,585
who the father is.
652
00:33:06,587 --> 00:33:09,718
Wait, why? Who's the father?
Is it Silent Bob?
653
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:10,689
[scoffs]
654
00:33:11,421 --> 00:33:12,688
No, Jay.
655
00:33:15,788 --> 00:33:17,189
It's you.
656
00:33:27,355 --> 00:33:28,355
[phone dings]
657
00:33:30,655 --> 00:33:32,189
I have a fucking kid?
658
00:33:32,655 --> 00:33:35,120
We have a kid. A daughter.
659
00:33:35,122 --> 00:33:36,522
I have a girl daughter?
660
00:33:37,154 --> 00:33:38,852
Why the fuck didn't you tell me,
man?
661
00:33:38,854 --> 00:33:41,122
We could've been a family
this whole time.
662
00:33:41,588 --> 00:33:42,589
A family?
663
00:33:44,388 --> 00:33:47,187
Jay, you're a great guy
664
00:33:47,189 --> 00:33:49,089
and you have
a million-dollar heart.
665
00:33:49,755 --> 00:33:53,622
A nickel head,
but a million-dollar heart.
666
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,286
All you ever needed in life
was Silent Bob and...
667
00:33:58,288 --> 00:34:00,288
[chuckles]
...a good bag of weed.
668
00:34:01,620 --> 00:34:05,255
But a baby needs a home
and stability.
669
00:34:06,122 --> 00:34:07,589
I'm stable as a table.
670
00:34:08,256 --> 00:34:12,453
Yeah. Right. What... What are you
doing in Chicago anyway?
671
00:34:12,455 --> 00:34:14,453
Me and Silent Bob are going
to Hollywood
672
00:34:14,455 --> 00:34:17,422
to stop these fuckers
from making a movie about us.
673
00:34:18,154 --> 00:34:19,156
Sounds familiar.
674
00:34:20,088 --> 00:34:24,721
Jay, you're a nice guy
and you're a lot of fun.
675
00:34:26,089 --> 00:34:28,289
But if I'm being honest here...
676
00:34:29,721 --> 00:34:32,756
uh, I really don't think
you're dad material.
677
00:34:39,821 --> 00:34:43,852
But you're here now,
so maybe you should meet
678
00:34:43,854 --> 00:34:46,521
the little girl who knocked
you out and tied you up.
679
00:34:49,855 --> 00:34:52,387
I've always said her dad
took off before she was born,
680
00:34:52,389 --> 00:34:54,353
so she'll have no idea
you two are related.
681
00:34:54,355 --> 00:34:55,485
And I want it to stay that way,
682
00:34:55,487 --> 00:34:58,120
so you can never tell her
who you really are, okay?
683
00:34:58,122 --> 00:35:00,756
You gotta promise me
you won't say anything.
684
00:35:01,488 --> 00:35:04,222
What are you telling me for?
He's the one with the big mouth.
685
00:35:05,654 --> 00:35:08,554
Brace yourself. You're about
to meet our love child.
686
00:35:15,388 --> 00:35:19,353
Uh, I think I'm gonna need
to see a blood test.
687
00:35:19,355 --> 00:35:20,356
[Milly] Hello.
688
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:23,819
Mom, I told you
to leave these meth heads
689
00:35:23,821 --> 00:35:25,488
tied up until the cops got here.
690
00:35:26,254 --> 00:35:27,255
Okay.
691
00:35:27,755 --> 00:35:28,685
I didn't call the cops
692
00:35:28,687 --> 00:35:30,752
and these guys
are not meth heads, okay?
693
00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:33,554
They only look like meth heads
because they're from New Jersey.
694
00:35:35,755 --> 00:35:39,722
Boys, this is my daughter,
Millennium Falcon.
695
00:35:41,389 --> 00:35:43,123
Dude, like Star Wars.
696
00:35:43,555 --> 00:35:46,156
Milly, these are friends of mine
from a long time ago,
697
00:35:46,754 --> 00:35:50,322
a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away.
698
00:35:50,854 --> 00:35:52,355
I almost killed the older one.
699
00:35:53,154 --> 00:35:55,186
- Older one?
- [Silent Bob chuckles]
700
00:35:55,188 --> 00:35:57,119
["I Saw a Ghost" by
the tenth playing over radio]
701
00:35:57,121 --> 00:36:00,385
So you guys got names or what?
702
00:36:00,387 --> 00:36:02,686
I'm Jay and... I mean...
[clears throat]
703
00:36:02,688 --> 00:36:05,619
...I'm Ted Underhill and this
is my hetero-lifemate,
704
00:36:05,621 --> 00:36:06,622
Mr. Taint.
705
00:36:07,289 --> 00:36:10,056
Hetero-lifemate,
I got one of those.
706
00:36:10,622 --> 00:36:12,756
This is my best friend,
Soapy Pia.
707
00:36:13,387 --> 00:36:16,721
Ooh. Como estas, Soapy Penis?
708
00:36:17,188 --> 00:36:19,454
Holy shit. It's Soapy Pia.
709
00:36:21,555 --> 00:36:23,522
Say hi to my mom's
710
00:36:24,488 --> 00:36:28,422
culturally insensitive, horrible
711
00:36:28,888 --> 00:36:30,388
- friends.
- Millennium.
712
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:32,589
♪ Bring me back to you ♪
713
00:36:34,487 --> 00:36:35,553
[chuckles]
714
00:36:35,555 --> 00:36:37,618
Dude, this is like watching
your favorite movie,
715
00:36:37,620 --> 00:36:38,719
The Quiet Place.
716
00:36:38,721 --> 00:36:40,418
♪ Bring me back to you ♪
717
00:36:40,420 --> 00:36:43,585
♪ You made your way into my life
Then you tried to hide ♪
718
00:36:43,587 --> 00:36:46,119
Sorry, it's like watching
your second favorite movie,
719
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:48,219
The Shape of Water. My bad.
720
00:36:48,221 --> 00:36:49,319
♪ Now I kicked you
Out of my life ♪
721
00:36:49,321 --> 00:36:51,653
How could you let people
this stupid into our house,
722
00:36:51,655 --> 00:36:53,355
let alone my room?
723
00:36:53,787 --> 00:36:55,020
Uh, can they leave now?
724
00:36:55,022 --> 00:36:58,452
[Justice] Ted and Mr. Taint
just wanted to meet you, Milly.
725
00:36:58,454 --> 00:36:59,618
They're just passing
through town
726
00:36:59,620 --> 00:37:00,688
on their way to California.
727
00:37:01,788 --> 00:37:04,089
Wait. California?
728
00:37:04,555 --> 00:37:06,023
Uh, yo, meth heads.
729
00:37:07,420 --> 00:37:09,252
Where are you going
in California?
730
00:37:09,254 --> 00:37:12,518
Oh, we're going to this
stupid convention in Hollywood.
731
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:14,552
Holy fuck. Are you talking
about Chronic-Con?
732
00:37:14,554 --> 00:37:16,252
- Yeah.
- Language.
733
00:37:16,254 --> 00:37:17,119
[car horn horns]
734
00:37:17,121 --> 00:37:18,519
[Justice]
Oh, my God, Reggie's here.
735
00:37:18,521 --> 00:37:21,122
- Who the fuck is Reggie?
- My better half.
736
00:37:22,288 --> 00:37:23,686
Okay. I love you.
737
00:37:23,688 --> 00:37:26,386
We'll call you soon as we land
in Machu Picchu, okay?
738
00:37:26,388 --> 00:37:28,023
And I left you $200
in the fridge.
739
00:37:29,287 --> 00:37:31,588
Now, say goodbye
to Mr. Underhill.
740
00:37:34,688 --> 00:37:37,652
Goodbye forever, Methy Marvin.
741
00:37:37,654 --> 00:37:40,152
It was so cool to meet you.
742
00:37:40,154 --> 00:37:41,819
["Loser" by Moby Rich plays]
743
00:37:41,821 --> 00:37:43,652
Okay. Um, I gotta go.
744
00:37:43,654 --> 00:37:45,853
Let's go. I... I got to go.
745
00:37:45,855 --> 00:37:47,555
- I love you.
- Love you.
746
00:37:49,154 --> 00:37:51,219
It's fucked up enough
I had to meet my kid,
747
00:37:51,221 --> 00:37:52,554
now I got to meet your husband?
748
00:37:52,987 --> 00:37:55,454
Um, you're not meeting
my husband.
749
00:37:56,755 --> 00:37:58,252
Jessie.
750
00:37:58,254 --> 00:37:59,319
- Let's go.
- [Justice] Hey.
751
00:37:59,321 --> 00:38:01,120
- You know I hate O'Hare.
- Mm.
752
00:38:01,122 --> 00:38:03,123
But first, I...
753
00:38:03,621 --> 00:38:04,756
Who the fuck are these guys?
754
00:38:05,223 --> 00:38:07,355
Boys, this is Reggie Faulken...
755
00:38:07,854 --> 00:38:09,255
my wife.
756
00:38:10,755 --> 00:38:13,419
Wife? Holy shit,
you married a lady?
757
00:38:13,421 --> 00:38:16,552
Ooh, a lady. I like him.
He's proper.
758
00:38:16,554 --> 00:38:21,753
Reggie, this is Jay
of Jay and Silent Bob fame.
759
00:38:21,755 --> 00:38:24,086
♪ I'll be okay ♪
760
00:38:24,088 --> 00:38:26,222
- Oh, my God. This is him?
- [Justice] Yes.
761
00:38:28,088 --> 00:38:29,820
This is
Mr. Cum Quick Thumb Dick?
762
00:38:29,822 --> 00:38:31,156
- Shh.
- Oh, my God.
763
00:38:32,822 --> 00:38:34,123
[Silent Bob chuckles]
764
00:38:34,722 --> 00:38:37,386
I never ever thought I'd get
the chance to meet you.
765
00:38:37,388 --> 00:38:38,689
You're like a living legend.
766
00:38:39,587 --> 00:38:42,518
- For what?
- All the wrong reasons, bro.
767
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:45,152
♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪
768
00:38:45,154 --> 00:38:46,252
♪ But I think I'm gonna be ♪
769
00:38:46,254 --> 00:38:47,820
- Um...
- ♪ Okay ♪
770
00:38:47,822 --> 00:38:49,588
...stop by on your way home
from Hollywood.
771
00:38:50,288 --> 00:38:52,519
Maybe you and Milly can spend
some time together
772
00:38:52,521 --> 00:38:54,056
before you head back to Jersey.
773
00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:00,156
[car engine starts]
774
00:39:03,089 --> 00:39:05,519
Fuck, man.
Last time we were in Chicago,
775
00:39:05,521 --> 00:39:07,419
we couldn't find
Sherman, Illinois.
776
00:39:07,421 --> 00:39:09,519
This time, I didn't get laid
777
00:39:09,521 --> 00:39:11,352
because my fucking ex-girlfriend
has a wife.
778
00:39:11,354 --> 00:39:14,488
This Windy City can blow me.
Let's go.
779
00:39:15,855 --> 00:39:18,321
- ♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪
- Hello.
780
00:39:19,353 --> 00:39:21,120
I know we only just met,
781
00:39:21,122 --> 00:39:24,155
but I really feel
like I know you...
782
00:39:26,122 --> 00:39:27,655
at least enough
to ask you a favor.
783
00:39:28,253 --> 00:39:30,755
- You wanna ask me a favor?
- Mm-hmm.
784
00:39:32,788 --> 00:39:33,788
Hold on a sec.
785
00:39:34,521 --> 00:39:35,321
Holy fuck, man.
786
00:39:35,788 --> 00:39:38,023
This is my first chance to act
like a real dad, Silent Bob.
787
00:39:39,755 --> 00:39:41,089
Okay. What's the favor?
788
00:39:41,855 --> 00:39:46,788
Can you take us
to Hollywood with you?
789
00:39:47,655 --> 00:39:48,853
Fuck, no, man!
790
00:39:48,855 --> 00:39:51,752
I can't be bringing private
school girls to Hollyweird.
791
00:39:51,754 --> 00:39:53,689
It's a tough-ass neighborhood.
792
00:39:56,220 --> 00:39:57,355
He said no.
793
00:40:03,220 --> 00:40:05,155
Okay. Let's do this
the hard way, butt plug.
794
00:40:05,687 --> 00:40:08,452
Either you take us to Hollywood
or I stab you both to death
795
00:40:08,454 --> 00:40:10,122
on my own front fucking lawn!
796
00:40:10,554 --> 00:40:11,786
And when the cops come,
797
00:40:11,788 --> 00:40:13,485
I'll tell them it was an act
of self-defense
798
00:40:13,487 --> 00:40:15,453
after you tried
to break into my house.
799
00:40:15,455 --> 00:40:18,785
The home of Chicago's beloved
lesbian weather lady.
800
00:40:18,787 --> 00:40:20,618
I'll get off like a porn star,
801
00:40:20,620 --> 00:40:22,719
and you two will be dead
as dodos.
802
00:40:22,721 --> 00:40:25,385
So I suggest you take out
your phone,
803
00:40:25,387 --> 00:40:26,853
open your little fucking app,
804
00:40:26,855 --> 00:40:29,756
and order us a car to Hollywood
right now!
805
00:40:35,288 --> 00:40:37,454
Oh, you can't just go around
threatening people.
806
00:40:37,954 --> 00:40:41,089
Don't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.
807
00:40:41,588 --> 00:40:43,789
["Come My Way"
by Nappy Roots plays]
808
00:40:45,620 --> 00:40:48,086
♪ Why don't you come my way?
My way ♪
809
00:40:48,088 --> 00:40:50,318
♪ The doors are unlocked
To my place ♪
810
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:53,386
♪ It's like we all family
Anyway... ♪
811
00:40:53,388 --> 00:40:54,385
I don't get it.
812
00:40:54,387 --> 00:40:57,086
Why does the deaf kid
get to DJ instead of me?
813
00:40:57,088 --> 00:40:59,086
Because Soapy has great taste
in music
814
00:40:59,088 --> 00:41:00,322
and you're a fucking dildo.
815
00:41:00,888 --> 00:41:04,585
What? She doesn't even know
what a dildo is probably.
816
00:41:04,587 --> 00:41:08,086
Uh, I have two dildos
and a strap-on, so, yeah,
817
00:41:08,088 --> 00:41:09,252
- I do.
- What are you, nuts?
818
00:41:09,254 --> 00:41:10,718
You can't say strap-on
in public.
819
00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:12,486
Man, you're just a kid.
820
00:41:12,488 --> 00:41:14,086
Are you gonna be
this fucking annoying
821
00:41:14,088 --> 00:41:16,455
the entire trip?
Because if so...
822
00:41:17,188 --> 00:41:20,853
- smoke some of this shit.
- Holy shit, that's weed.
823
00:41:20,855 --> 00:41:23,151
- That's right.
- Where'd you get it?
824
00:41:23,153 --> 00:41:25,086
- From her.
- Where'd she get it?
825
00:41:25,088 --> 00:41:27,453
Soapy lives on a commune
in Oregon where deaf people
826
00:41:27,455 --> 00:41:29,122
grow the best weed in the West.
827
00:41:29,555 --> 00:41:31,288
Deaf people know
how to grow weed?
828
00:41:31,788 --> 00:41:33,786
I'm sorry, how old are you?
829
00:41:33,788 --> 00:41:36,185
- Fuck you. How old are you?
- I'm 18.
830
00:41:36,187 --> 00:41:38,719
You can't be smoking no weed
at 18.
831
00:41:38,721 --> 00:41:40,255
I can. Watch me.
832
00:41:41,088 --> 00:41:43,819
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Don't... You're gonna break it.
833
00:41:43,821 --> 00:41:46,022
- Fuck off my flower.
- Ow.
834
00:41:46,922 --> 00:41:51,319
You know what? This is my ride
and I'm paying for it, girlie.
835
00:41:51,321 --> 00:41:53,251
So if you don't put that weed
away,
836
00:41:53,253 --> 00:41:55,721
I'm gonna kick your narrow ass
to the curb.
837
00:41:57,787 --> 00:41:59,718
- Fine.
- [Jay] See? That's better.
838
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:00,652
All right? You're just a kid.
839
00:42:00,654 --> 00:42:02,522
Why don't you eat
some candy or something?
840
00:42:03,455 --> 00:42:04,455
Okay.
841
00:42:05,787 --> 00:42:08,785
- Happy?
- Chocolate. That's better.
842
00:42:08,787 --> 00:42:11,518
Way better than weed
for a little girl.
843
00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:15,187
- Yeah. You want some?
- Shit, yeah. I love sugar.
844
00:42:16,821 --> 00:42:18,022
Hmm.
845
00:42:22,221 --> 00:42:23,852
You guys aren't gonna eat
any chocolate?
846
00:42:23,854 --> 00:42:27,689
Oh, no. Um, I smoke my weed,
I don't eat it.
847
00:42:30,354 --> 00:42:31,355
Punch Bar?
848
00:42:32,687 --> 00:42:34,154
There's weed in that chocolate?
849
00:42:34,787 --> 00:42:36,755
We... Holy shit. She poisoned us.
850
00:42:37,387 --> 00:42:40,552
It isn't poison,
but it is potent.
851
00:42:40,554 --> 00:42:45,154
And you ate, uh, 50 times
the recommended dosage.
852
00:42:46,421 --> 00:42:49,055
[chuckles]
These old fuckers are gonna die.
853
00:42:50,687 --> 00:42:53,452
Uh, you... You know what? No, no,
no. Calm down. Calm down.
854
00:42:53,454 --> 00:42:55,785
You think we can't handle
edibles?
855
00:42:55,787 --> 00:42:58,652
You think we can't handle
these silly-ass chocolate bars?
856
00:42:58,654 --> 00:43:00,251
You're mistaken.
857
00:43:00,253 --> 00:43:04,222
Can you believe these two?
Edibles ain't shit, right?
858
00:43:11,188 --> 00:43:12,718
[Method Man] You got a blunt?
[exhales]
859
00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:15,452
- [Redman] You got weed, brother?
- [laughing]
860
00:43:15,454 --> 00:43:17,086
[Method Man] Back out
of the club, nigga.
861
00:43:17,088 --> 00:43:20,054
Holy shit, Silent Bob,
look, it's Method & Red.
862
00:43:20,554 --> 00:43:22,119
We got visitors.
863
00:43:22,121 --> 00:43:26,352
I'm Jay and this is
my hetero-lifemate, Silent Bob.
864
00:43:26,354 --> 00:43:27,389
Silent Bob, huh?
865
00:43:28,055 --> 00:43:31,251
That's kind of hot. [chuckles]
That's your rap name?
866
00:43:31,253 --> 00:43:33,686
We came here seeking advice.
867
00:43:33,688 --> 00:43:35,385
Well, look no further.
868
00:43:35,387 --> 00:43:38,186
Me and Red,
we got life experience.
869
00:43:38,188 --> 00:43:41,022
Like they say on Reddit.
Ask me anything.
870
00:43:42,288 --> 00:43:44,789
Okay, great masters
of the green.
871
00:43:45,321 --> 00:43:47,652
I just found out I have a kid
872
00:43:47,654 --> 00:43:50,852
and then that kid roofied us
with chocolates.
873
00:43:50,854 --> 00:43:54,652
My advice, if you got a kid
that'll get you stoned...
874
00:43:54,654 --> 00:43:56,152
Mm-hmm.
875
00:43:56,154 --> 00:43:58,219
...have another kid
just like that one.
876
00:43:58,221 --> 00:44:00,186
- Facts. Facts
- Just like that.
877
00:44:00,188 --> 00:44:02,186
The thing is I don't know
how to be a father.
878
00:44:02,188 --> 00:44:03,618
I didn't even know my own dad
879
00:44:03,620 --> 00:44:05,619
and I don't know what dads
are supposed to do.
880
00:44:05,621 --> 00:44:07,722
Philosophically
in a manner of speaking,
881
00:44:08,722 --> 00:44:11,853
being a father does
not necessarily make one a dad,
882
00:44:11,855 --> 00:44:14,087
- am I right, Doc?
- Guys,
883
00:44:14,788 --> 00:44:17,618
anybody and I mean,
anti-body...
884
00:44:17,620 --> 00:44:19,285
- Mm-hmm.
- ...with cum...
885
00:44:19,287 --> 00:44:20,388
Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi!
886
00:44:21,187 --> 00:44:22,686
...can be a father.
887
00:44:22,688 --> 00:44:25,753
But only love can make you
a dad, you understand me?
888
00:44:25,755 --> 00:44:26,852
[Method Man] Okay. Wait
a minute. How you gonna talk
889
00:44:26,854 --> 00:44:29,186
about love and you flinging cum
all over the place?
890
00:44:29,188 --> 00:44:32,386
- That shit's unseemly, brah.
- Unseemly? God damn it, listen,
891
00:44:32,388 --> 00:44:33,820
- you wanna be a good dad?
- Mm-hmm.
892
00:44:33,822 --> 00:44:38,186
Then just think of all
the fucked-up shit
893
00:44:38,188 --> 00:44:39,585
your dad did wrong,
894
00:44:39,587 --> 00:44:43,652
'cause... look at you,
and do the opposite.
895
00:44:43,654 --> 00:44:46,118
- Feel me?
- But I never met my own dad.
896
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:47,355
But you met your kid.
897
00:44:49,387 --> 00:44:51,086
There you go. See?
898
00:44:51,088 --> 00:44:53,589
You already a better dad
than your dad ever was, bruh.
899
00:44:54,355 --> 00:44:58,519
Now, get the fuck out
and hit the road.
900
00:44:58,521 --> 00:45:00,186
- Hit the road.
- The road.
901
00:45:00,188 --> 00:45:01,219
- The road.
- The road.
902
00:45:01,221 --> 00:45:02,452
- The road.
- The road.
903
00:45:02,454 --> 00:45:03,552
- [Redman] The road.
- [Method Man] The road.
904
00:45:03,554 --> 00:45:04,622
[Redman] The road.
905
00:45:19,388 --> 00:45:20,522
Whoa, dude.
906
00:45:21,654 --> 00:45:24,851
This isn't Hulu and hump day,
dude. Man, what if someone saw?
907
00:45:24,853 --> 00:45:26,155
[Jihad] I saw you.
908
00:45:27,221 --> 00:45:28,721
And I'm putting you
on my Instagram,
909
00:45:29,821 --> 00:45:32,252
#whenoldpeoplefuck.
910
00:45:32,254 --> 00:45:33,618
Holy shit, it's a terrorist.
911
00:45:33,620 --> 00:45:35,419
Where? Where?
Where's the terrorist?
912
00:45:35,421 --> 00:45:37,453
She's not a terrorist, you fuck.
913
00:45:37,455 --> 00:45:38,756
[girl muttering]
914
00:45:39,321 --> 00:45:41,252
But ironically
her name is Jihad,
915
00:45:41,254 --> 00:45:42,718
so do with that what you will.
916
00:45:42,720 --> 00:45:43,721
As-salamu alaykum.
917
00:45:44,153 --> 00:45:46,085
That sounds like baby talk.
918
00:45:46,087 --> 00:45:47,688
No, that's just talk, baby.
919
00:45:48,154 --> 00:45:50,618
And by baby,
I mean oldest man I've ever met.
920
00:45:50,620 --> 00:45:51,618
How old are these fuckers?
921
00:45:51,620 --> 00:45:54,385
I'm pretty sure they were alive
during the '90s.
922
00:45:54,387 --> 00:45:57,486
No way. That's before they even
built the internet.
923
00:45:57,488 --> 00:45:59,554
Jihad, that was, like,
before they built the pyramids.
924
00:45:59,986 --> 00:46:02,086
Jihad? Why does that name
sound familiar.
925
00:46:02,088 --> 00:46:03,320
If you fuck with any of us,
926
00:46:03,322 --> 00:46:06,453
I live up to my name and I put
you underground, Underhill.
927
00:46:06,455 --> 00:46:08,818
Does every girl carry
a knife nowadays?
928
00:46:08,820 --> 00:46:10,386
Well, in a world full of dicks,
929
00:46:10,388 --> 00:46:12,318
knives really help a girl
make a point.
930
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:14,186
And if you had a daughter,
wouldn't you want her
931
00:46:14,188 --> 00:46:15,756
- to carry a knife?
- Shit yes.
932
00:46:16,188 --> 00:46:18,186
Shit, no, I have a daughter
and she scared me
933
00:46:18,188 --> 00:46:19,618
when she pulled a knife on me.
934
00:46:19,620 --> 00:46:25,187
[speaking Chinese]
935
00:46:25,787 --> 00:46:27,718
What's this creepy Ring shit?
936
00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:28,453
[speaking Chinese]
937
00:46:28,954 --> 00:46:32,418
This is my not creepy friend,
Shan Yu, she's from China.
938
00:46:32,420 --> 00:46:33,521
We picked her up in Missouri.
939
00:46:34,121 --> 00:46:36,218
Missouri?
Where the fuck are we now?
940
00:46:36,220 --> 00:46:37,751
Just outside New Orleans.
941
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:41,318
- We're in Connecticut?
- It's Louisiana, man, Jesus.
942
00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:43,219
Louisiana?
How long was I asleep for?
943
00:46:43,221 --> 00:46:45,485
- Eighteen hours straight.
- What?
944
00:46:45,487 --> 00:46:47,385
I told you those edibles
were strong.
945
00:46:47,387 --> 00:46:48,518
Dude, why didn't you wake me up?
946
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:50,254
We'll never make it
to Hollywood now.
947
00:46:50,787 --> 00:46:55,622
[speaking Chinese]
948
00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:58,717
- What the fuck?
- Shan Yu records
949
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:01,251
every interaction she hears
for her podcast,
950
00:47:01,253 --> 00:47:03,418
which she uses to contextualize
life in America
951
00:47:03,420 --> 00:47:04,618
for her audience in China.
952
00:47:04,620 --> 00:47:05,752
The podcast is called
953
00:47:05,754 --> 00:47:08,686
The American Entitled
and Their First World Problems.
954
00:47:08,688 --> 00:47:11,185
Shan Yu understands English,
Mr. Underhill.
955
00:47:11,187 --> 00:47:12,322
She just can't speak it.
956
00:47:12,821 --> 00:47:14,389
Kind of like you actually.
957
00:47:19,121 --> 00:47:21,152
Wait a minute,
where the fucks the car at?
958
00:47:21,154 --> 00:47:22,553
Now that there are six of us,
959
00:47:22,555 --> 00:47:25,086
we need a bigger whip
than Ride Me Now has,
960
00:47:25,088 --> 00:47:26,351
so we're gonna get a van.
961
00:47:26,353 --> 00:47:27,851
What are you, fucking dumb
or something?
962
00:47:27,853 --> 00:47:29,851
How are you gonna get a van
in the middle of nowhere?
963
00:47:29,853 --> 00:47:32,318
Thanks
to Operation Predator Editor.
964
00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:33,588
[vehicle approaching]
965
00:47:35,420 --> 00:47:37,022
Okay, places, everybody, places.
966
00:47:52,420 --> 00:47:55,388
What the fuck is
Operation Predator Editor?
967
00:47:58,786 --> 00:48:01,318
This is
Operation Predator Editor.
968
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,784
Phase one, Millennium
takes naked selfies.
969
00:48:03,786 --> 00:48:05,784
- No, she didn't.
- She did.
970
00:48:05,786 --> 00:48:09,618
For phase two, Millennium posts
selfies on pedophile website.
971
00:48:09,620 --> 00:48:12,452
- What the fuck? Why?
- For phase three,
972
00:48:12,454 --> 00:48:14,586
Millennium tells interested
pedophile with van
973
00:48:14,588 --> 00:48:16,589
to meet her
here for a free ride.
974
00:48:17,487 --> 00:48:18,688
Free ride?
975
00:48:21,588 --> 00:48:23,486
Oh, nice outfit, man.
976
00:48:23,488 --> 00:48:25,419
Oh, thanks, you like it?
Yeah, did you ever see
977
00:48:25,421 --> 00:48:26,852
- Cannonball Run?
- No.
978
00:48:26,854 --> 00:48:29,087
- The great Dom DeLuise?
- No.
979
00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:32,186
That really fell apart
right there. [grunts]
980
00:48:32,188 --> 00:48:34,421
You're pretty flamboyant
for a pedophile.
981
00:48:35,487 --> 00:48:36,454
[screams]
982
00:48:38,354 --> 00:48:40,617
You pedophile piece of shit.
983
00:48:40,619 --> 00:48:41,687
[Jay grunts]
984
00:48:45,853 --> 00:48:47,519
What the fuck were you thinking
985
00:48:47,521 --> 00:48:49,553
getting in that van
with this guy?
986
00:48:49,555 --> 00:48:51,154
I was thinking phase four.
987
00:48:53,288 --> 00:48:54,784
Ted Underhill beats up
the pedophile
988
00:48:54,786 --> 00:48:56,054
and we take the van.
989
00:48:56,488 --> 00:48:57,618
["I'd Die Without You"
by P.M. Dawn plays]
990
00:48:57,620 --> 00:49:00,453
♪ Is it my turn to push you... ♪
991
00:49:00,455 --> 00:49:02,522
[speaking Chinese]
992
00:49:03,853 --> 00:49:06,119
All right. What if I didn't get
to the van in time?
993
00:49:06,121 --> 00:49:07,652
You saw what I can do
with a hockey stick.
994
00:49:07,654 --> 00:49:08,852
I know how to handle myself.
995
00:49:08,854 --> 00:49:12,285
Yeah. You grew up in a big house
in a rich kid neighborhood
996
00:49:12,287 --> 00:49:13,286
and went to private school.
997
00:49:13,288 --> 00:49:16,185
You have no idea how dangerous
people can be.
998
00:49:16,187 --> 00:49:17,485
So true.
999
00:49:17,487 --> 00:49:19,519
In Syria, a boy touched
my left nipple
1000
00:49:19,521 --> 00:49:21,652
and told everybody
I know about that shit.
1001
00:49:21,654 --> 00:49:24,418
I said dangerous, man.
Not bitch ass boys
1002
00:49:24,420 --> 00:49:25,754
who got to second base.
1003
00:49:26,355 --> 00:49:29,085
When my brother found out,
he tried to smother me
1004
00:49:29,087 --> 00:49:31,221
in my sleep with a pillow
for shaming my family.
1005
00:49:33,087 --> 00:49:34,454
So my mom sent me to America.
1006
00:49:40,854 --> 00:49:42,754
You know what, fuck
your brother, all right?
1007
00:49:43,254 --> 00:49:45,086
If the motherfucker tried
to smother me.
1008
00:49:45,088 --> 00:49:47,554
I'd kick his ass to Asgard
where Thor lives.
1009
00:49:48,420 --> 00:49:52,187
- No, Thor lives in my dreams.
- Mine too.
1010
00:49:52,619 --> 00:49:56,185
Every night after I fall asleep,
I fuck Chris Hemsworth.
1011
00:49:56,187 --> 00:49:59,318
Holy fuckhole, where did you get
such a damn dirty mouth from?
1012
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:01,720
I'd put my damn dirty mouth
all over Hemsworth.
1013
00:50:02,754 --> 00:50:05,218
Yeah, and I'd be like,
1014
00:50:05,220 --> 00:50:07,352
"Give me that Hammer,
Odin's son."
1015
00:50:07,354 --> 00:50:09,720
Put it in my hands to see
if I'm worthy.
1016
00:50:10,287 --> 00:50:13,321
- You guys better stop.
- Oh, I'd never stop.
1017
00:50:13,754 --> 00:50:16,252
I'd fuck Chris Hemsworth
until I was Thor.
1018
00:50:16,254 --> 00:50:17,455
- [Milly and Jihad chuckle]
- What?
1019
00:50:18,753 --> 00:50:21,218
[man] Hi. Welcome to Mooby's
by the moonlight.
1020
00:50:21,220 --> 00:50:24,054
- Six cow tippers, please.
- We're vegan, bro.
1021
00:50:24,553 --> 00:50:27,154
I mean one cow tipper,
five milks.
1022
00:50:28,121 --> 00:50:30,151
We're vegan, bro.
1023
00:50:30,153 --> 00:50:31,252
Jesus, man,
just give me something
1024
00:50:31,254 --> 00:50:33,021
with no meat, please, fuck!
1025
00:50:38,686 --> 00:50:45,287
[speaking Chinese]
1026
00:50:46,153 --> 00:50:48,819
Can you stop being
so fucking creepy?
1027
00:50:48,821 --> 00:50:49,885
Hey, Underhill,
1028
00:50:49,887 --> 00:50:52,419
how about a little respect
for our guest of honor?
1029
00:50:52,421 --> 00:50:55,585
Shan Yu is the reason we're
doing all this, Mr. Underhill.
1030
00:50:55,587 --> 00:50:58,818
What? Operation Predator Editor?
1031
00:50:58,820 --> 00:51:01,352
No, jackass,
that mission's over.
1032
00:51:01,354 --> 00:51:03,185
We're onto the next mission.
1033
00:51:03,187 --> 00:51:04,188
Oh, let me see.
1034
00:51:07,221 --> 00:51:08,352
- Uh, no.
- You know what,
1035
00:51:08,354 --> 00:51:11,484
you're pretty ungrateful
for someone who needed my help.
1036
00:51:11,486 --> 00:51:12,421
[scoffs]
1037
00:51:13,353 --> 00:51:14,352
Needed your help?
1038
00:51:14,354 --> 00:51:16,484
[Milly sighs] I'm sorry,
did you seriously think
1039
00:51:16,486 --> 00:51:18,852
we were just hoping
for two old men to drop in
1040
00:51:18,854 --> 00:51:21,185
and ferry us to Hollywood?
1041
00:51:21,187 --> 00:51:24,119
No, we were gonna take my mom's
car the second she left.
1042
00:51:24,121 --> 00:51:26,218
We've been planning this mission
for months, bro.
1043
00:51:26,220 --> 00:51:27,452
[Jay] Holy shit,
1044
00:51:27,454 --> 00:51:30,354
you girls are international
diamond thieves, aren't youse?
1045
00:51:32,619 --> 00:51:36,651
I'm sorry, uh, diamond thieves?
1046
00:51:36,653 --> 00:51:38,418
Yeah. When I met your mom,
1047
00:51:38,420 --> 00:51:42,152
she told me her and her friends
were animal rights activists
1048
00:51:42,154 --> 00:51:44,518
and then they wound up being
international diamond thieves
1049
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:46,487
who wore cat suits
under their clothes.
1050
00:51:47,388 --> 00:51:49,787
Any one of you girls wearing
cat suits under your clothes?
1051
00:51:51,288 --> 00:51:55,585
Um, okay. I don't know
anything about that,
1052
00:51:55,587 --> 00:51:58,517
but I do know that I'm
nothing like my mother.
1053
00:51:58,519 --> 00:52:03,219
Holy shit, yes, you are.
You're like a rebooted Justice.
1054
00:52:03,221 --> 00:52:05,054
I believe
he means to say remake.
1055
00:52:05,686 --> 00:52:08,751
No, I mean to say reboot,
all right?
1056
00:52:08,753 --> 00:52:11,618
Someone took all the things
I like about your mom,
1057
00:52:11,620 --> 00:52:14,684
changed them just enough to make
me pay for them all over again,
1058
00:52:14,686 --> 00:52:17,218
and added youth
and diversity to it.
1059
00:52:17,220 --> 00:52:19,652
So this van is not moving
until you tell me
1060
00:52:19,654 --> 00:52:21,521
why you wanna go to Hollywood
so bad.
1061
00:52:22,853 --> 00:52:24,055
Fine.
1062
00:52:25,419 --> 00:52:27,819
Shan Yu only has a week left
on her visa
1063
00:52:27,821 --> 00:52:30,322
before her mom takes her back
to China forever.
1064
00:52:30,787 --> 00:52:33,222
- So?
- So, you genital cuff...
1065
00:52:34,288 --> 00:52:35,585
her favorite thing in the world
1066
00:52:35,587 --> 00:52:38,021
is that old Bluntman and Chronic
movie.
1067
00:52:38,453 --> 00:52:39,653
Bluntman.
1068
00:52:40,553 --> 00:52:41,418
[Milly] And for years now,
1069
00:52:41,420 --> 00:52:43,319
she's been wanting to go
to Chronic-Con.
1070
00:52:43,321 --> 00:52:46,352
So that's why this mission
is so important.
1071
00:52:46,354 --> 00:52:49,086
Important enough
for a straight A student
1072
00:52:49,088 --> 00:52:51,488
to get in a shitload of trouble
and blow up her future?
1073
00:52:53,088 --> 00:52:54,584
God, you sound like my mother.
1074
00:52:54,586 --> 00:52:55,687
Maybe that's because I'm...
1075
00:52:56,221 --> 00:52:59,218
Maybe that's because I think
your mom's right, okay?
1076
00:52:59,220 --> 00:53:01,118
I've done a bunch of stupid shit
when I was younger,
1077
00:53:01,120 --> 00:53:03,584
but I did it with Si...
Mr. Taint here.
1078
00:53:03,586 --> 00:53:05,350
Not with a bunch of people
I don't know.
1079
00:53:05,352 --> 00:53:08,285
- Oh, I know these girls.
- [Jay] How?
1080
00:53:08,287 --> 00:53:10,118
How did you meet a deaf girl,
1081
00:53:10,120 --> 00:53:12,152
a Muslim who's brother
tried to kill her,
1082
00:53:12,154 --> 00:53:14,685
and a Chinese girl that I don't
even know where she's from,
1083
00:53:14,687 --> 00:53:16,122
but she's suspect.
1084
00:53:16,988 --> 00:53:18,754
And you're the only normal one
of the bunch.
1085
00:53:19,254 --> 00:53:21,718
Fuck you, you don't know me.
1086
00:53:21,720 --> 00:53:23,584
Uh, I've seen your life, kid,
1087
00:53:23,586 --> 00:53:26,285
you got two moms who love you
and you grew up in a big house,
1088
00:53:26,287 --> 00:53:28,385
you're not fucked up
like these girls.
1089
00:53:28,387 --> 00:53:31,186
I only know these girls because
I'm fucked up just like them.
1090
00:53:31,188 --> 00:53:33,287
How? How are you fucked up?
1091
00:53:38,854 --> 00:53:40,554
We met
in an online support group.
1092
00:53:42,253 --> 00:53:43,254
For what?
1093
00:53:46,719 --> 00:53:48,687
[crying] For girls who have
never met their fathers.
1094
00:53:51,620 --> 00:53:53,254
We don't know who our dads are.
1095
00:53:53,886 --> 00:53:55,553
They all left
before we were born.
1096
00:53:58,587 --> 00:54:00,784
You know... You know what, well,
fuck that, all right?
1097
00:54:00,786 --> 00:54:03,219
You don't need a father,
I didn't grow up with a dad
1098
00:54:03,221 --> 00:54:06,320
- and look, I turned out okay.
- No, you didn't.
1099
00:54:07,754 --> 00:54:10,417
And if you never really had
a dad then you would know
1100
00:54:10,419 --> 00:54:12,687
that there is no such thing
as okay...
1101
00:54:13,820 --> 00:54:15,022
ever...
1102
00:54:15,721 --> 00:54:18,086
because you will always
be haunted by a question
1103
00:54:18,088 --> 00:54:19,354
that you can't answer.
1104
00:54:21,620 --> 00:54:23,654
Why didn't you love me enough
to stick around?
1105
00:55:01,269 --> 00:55:02,769
Well, I knew your dad
a little bit
1106
00:55:02,771 --> 00:55:05,037
and, you know what,
you're better off without him.
1107
00:55:07,370 --> 00:55:08,504
Guy's a piece of shit.
1108
00:55:09,536 --> 00:55:11,137
[thud]
1109
00:55:12,170 --> 00:55:13,403
Holy shit,
someone's on the roof.
1110
00:55:19,403 --> 00:55:21,435
Merkin, what the fuck
are you doing?
1111
00:55:21,437 --> 00:55:24,635
Hater Totz filled with hate!
1112
00:55:24,637 --> 00:55:26,234
Hate!
1113
00:55:26,236 --> 00:55:27,201
Hate!
1114
00:55:27,203 --> 00:55:30,502
You got me arrested
with your grass, man.
1115
00:55:30,504 --> 00:55:31,705
And you gave me zero tip,
1116
00:55:32,172 --> 00:55:34,371
leave me these horrible reviews.
What is this?
1117
00:55:34,870 --> 00:55:39,267
"Fuck your frozen food dreams."
That is personal and mean.
1118
00:55:39,269 --> 00:55:41,567
To me! "Do you even know
what a merkin is?"
1119
00:55:41,569 --> 00:55:44,568
Very funny, yes, I do.
It's a pube toupee.
1120
00:55:44,570 --> 00:55:47,434
"Sit on some bald dick."
Who wrote that?
1121
00:55:47,436 --> 00:55:48,569
Who's the fucker
who wrote that?
1122
00:55:48,571 --> 00:55:52,571
Do you think that's funny?
I am done losing at life.
1123
00:55:53,138 --> 00:55:56,701
Fuck you guys, the two of you.
No one is gonna make
1124
00:55:56,703 --> 00:56:01,068
Todd Merkinsky look like
an asshole ever again!
1125
00:56:01,070 --> 00:56:03,470
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep,
sleep, sleep, sleep...
1126
00:56:07,569 --> 00:56:09,367
[tire screeching]
1127
00:56:09,369 --> 00:56:10,537
Hey!
1128
00:56:11,704 --> 00:56:13,537
We got a runner,
we got a runner!
1129
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:25,337
Phase four, ditch old gay guys.
What the fuck?
1130
00:56:25,770 --> 00:56:27,370
We should still steal
Merkin's car.
1131
00:56:30,404 --> 00:56:32,368
We've been driving around
for hours, Silent Bob.
1132
00:56:32,370 --> 00:56:33,571
Where the fuck did they go?
1133
00:56:43,569 --> 00:56:45,501
Bro, are you serious?
You can't take a shit now.
1134
00:56:45,503 --> 00:56:46,638
We have to find the girls.
1135
00:57:01,404 --> 00:57:03,038
We need a fucking light.
1136
00:57:09,302 --> 00:57:11,702
Oh, man, it's the fucking Klan!
1137
00:57:11,704 --> 00:57:15,702
Dude, they ruin everything.
You distract these racist fucks,
1138
00:57:15,704 --> 00:57:17,734
while I hotbox them
with some berserker.
1139
00:57:17,736 --> 00:57:20,637
[Klan members cheering,
clamoring]
1140
00:57:26,336 --> 00:57:27,568
Peekaboo!
1141
00:57:27,570 --> 00:57:30,035
[Klan members laughing]
1142
00:57:30,037 --> 00:57:32,300
We always have
a good time with that, don't we?
1143
00:57:32,302 --> 00:57:33,435
Speaking of good times,
1144
00:57:33,437 --> 00:57:35,667
if you stick around
till the end,
1145
00:57:35,669 --> 00:57:38,300
we're gonna be
serving Hater Totz!
1146
00:57:38,302 --> 00:57:39,500
- [Klan members] Yeah!
- [Klan leader] Yeah!
1147
00:57:39,502 --> 00:57:43,534
Hater Totz! Who doesn't love
Hater Totz? All right. Okay.
1148
00:57:43,536 --> 00:57:47,170
Look what we found trespassing
in our backyard.
1149
00:57:48,005 --> 00:57:51,167
And you know what happens
to trespassers, right?
1150
00:57:51,169 --> 00:57:52,235
Can you dig it?
1151
00:57:52,237 --> 00:57:53,401
[Klan member] Oh, yeah.
1152
00:57:53,403 --> 00:57:55,437
- Can you dig it?
- [Klan members] Yeah.
1153
00:57:56,137 --> 00:57:58,668
[as Cyrus from The Warriors ]
Can you dig it?
1154
00:57:58,670 --> 00:58:00,468
[Klan members] Yeah!
1155
00:58:00,470 --> 00:58:02,135
[Klan member] I'm digging it.
1156
00:58:02,137 --> 00:58:03,137
[laughing]
1157
00:58:05,779 --> 00:58:07,545
Let me have your attention
for a moment.
1158
00:58:09,478 --> 00:58:10,810
You're talking about what?
1159
00:58:10,812 --> 00:58:13,642
You're talking about...
You're bitching about what?
1160
00:58:13,644 --> 00:58:14,712
- Are they all here?
- [Klan member] Hey!
1161
00:58:15,579 --> 00:58:18,242
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm going anyway.
1162
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:21,278
Let's talk about
something important.
1163
00:58:24,112 --> 00:58:27,112
Put that pitchfork down.
1164
00:58:34,728 --> 00:58:37,962
Pitchforks are
for Klansmen only.
1165
00:58:38,461 --> 00:58:40,295
[Klan member] Where the fuck
did you come from?
1166
00:58:40,762 --> 00:58:41,962
I come from downtown.
1167
00:58:42,595 --> 00:58:44,727
I'm here for Mitch and Murray.
1168
00:58:44,729 --> 00:58:46,529
And I'm here
on a mission of mercy.
1169
00:58:48,928 --> 00:58:51,693
- Your name's Legree?
- [Legree] Yeah.
1170
00:58:51,695 --> 00:58:53,926
You call yourself a Klansman,
you son of a bitch?
1171
00:58:53,928 --> 00:58:55,493
We don't got to listen
to this shit.
1172
00:58:55,495 --> 00:58:56,659
You certainly don't, pal.
1173
00:58:56,661 --> 00:58:58,562
Because the good news is,
you're fired.
1174
00:58:59,195 --> 00:59:03,659
The bad news is you've got,
all you got, just one week
1175
00:59:03,661 --> 00:59:06,493
to regain your jobs.
Starting with tonight.
1176
00:59:06,495 --> 00:59:08,763
Starting with tonight's shit.
1177
00:59:09,362 --> 00:59:10,893
[Legree]
Mister, what's your name?
1178
00:59:10,895 --> 00:59:13,696
Fuck you, that's my name.
1179
00:59:18,862 --> 00:59:24,660
A, B, D. A: Always, B: Be,
D: Ducking.
1180
00:59:24,662 --> 00:59:29,793
Always Be Ducking.
Always Be ducking.
1181
00:59:29,795 --> 00:59:32,563
All right, fuck face. I'll bite.
Ducking what?
1182
00:59:39,562 --> 00:59:42,526
- Kill these racist fucks!
- Hold on!
1183
00:59:42,528 --> 00:59:43,896
[screaming]
1184
00:59:46,794 --> 00:59:47,862
[Klan members groaning]
1185
00:59:50,153 --> 00:59:53,386
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheepfucker?
1186
00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:58,954
Who in the fuck
are Mitch and Murray?
1187
01:00:22,586 --> 01:00:23,520
[knocks]
1188
01:00:31,154 --> 01:00:33,687
Holy shit. We made it.
1189
01:00:34,519 --> 01:00:36,420
[Jay] No, we made it.
1190
01:00:39,420 --> 01:00:40,421
You slept.
1191
01:00:43,719 --> 01:00:45,620
[Milly] You know, I got to
thank you, Mr. Underhill.
1192
01:00:46,188 --> 01:00:48,953
Not for just saving our asses
last night, but...
1193
01:00:50,386 --> 01:00:51,586
for helping us get here.
1194
01:00:52,187 --> 01:00:53,921
Technically,
you forced me to help.
1195
01:00:54,353 --> 01:00:55,788
Yeah, but for a good cause.
1196
01:00:56,220 --> 01:00:58,551
Well, if your dreams came true
it was all worth it.
1197
01:00:58,553 --> 01:00:59,817
[chuckles]
1198
01:00:59,819 --> 01:01:02,353
Uh, going to Chronic-Con
is Shan Yu's dream.
1199
01:01:03,154 --> 01:01:05,554
My dream is a little tougher
to make happen.
1200
01:01:06,853 --> 01:01:09,052
It's stupid, especially
because you said
1201
01:01:09,054 --> 01:01:10,921
the guy's a piece of shit.
But, um...
1202
01:01:12,853 --> 01:01:14,887
I've always dreamed
of meeting my dad.
1203
01:01:16,419 --> 01:01:18,454
Just hanging out.
1204
01:01:19,987 --> 01:01:21,688
Nothing monumental.
1205
01:01:23,420 --> 01:01:25,787
Just drinking coffee together
or something, like...
1206
01:01:26,819 --> 01:01:28,520
talk to me like he was my dad...
1207
01:01:29,919 --> 01:01:31,553
teaching me dad stuff.
1208
01:01:37,520 --> 01:01:39,985
That's really embarrassing.
It probably sounds like
1209
01:01:39,987 --> 01:01:42,854
the dumbest thing anyone
has ever said out loud.
1210
01:01:49,854 --> 01:01:52,854
Oh, I got something
that nobody knows.
1211
01:01:53,486 --> 01:01:56,620
God looks exactly
like Alanis Morissette.
1212
01:01:59,019 --> 01:02:00,353
I stand corrected.
1213
01:02:03,020 --> 01:02:05,721
["Good Morning"
by Pistol Beauty plays]
1214
01:02:16,419 --> 01:02:17,953
♪ Such pretty face ♪
1215
01:02:18,787 --> 01:02:21,151
♪ Nice to wake up
Next to you and know ♪
1216
01:02:21,153 --> 01:02:22,821
♪ It's a clear, clear case ♪
1217
01:02:23,954 --> 01:02:25,952
♪ Of love and I'm falling hard ♪
1218
01:02:25,954 --> 01:02:27,821
♪ Oh, don't you know
You got to stay ♪
1219
01:02:28,519 --> 01:02:30,784
♪ Stay with me
'Til the morning, honey ♪
1220
01:02:30,786 --> 01:02:32,887
♪ 'Cause good night, would ♪
1221
01:02:33,453 --> 01:02:36,052
♪ Never make me feel
As good as "good morning" ♪
1222
01:02:36,054 --> 01:02:39,650
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1223
01:02:39,652 --> 01:02:40,951
♪ Tell me good morning ♪
1224
01:02:40,953 --> 01:02:43,385
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1225
01:02:43,387 --> 01:02:45,088
Why are you dressed like
all these people?
1226
01:02:45,620 --> 01:02:48,421
All these people are dressed
like us.
1227
01:02:50,087 --> 01:02:52,088
♪ So, I wanna make it last ♪
1228
01:02:52,887 --> 01:02:56,687
♪ I wanna see the sunrise
With you, hold your hand ♪
1229
01:02:57,820 --> 01:02:59,550
♪ Get lost in your eyes ♪
1230
01:02:59,552 --> 01:03:01,688
♪ And kiss your sweet
Sweet smile ♪
1231
01:03:02,886 --> 01:03:04,851
♪ Lights up your face
Like an angel ♪
1232
01:03:04,853 --> 01:03:08,653
Happy Chronic-Con! Oh!
[blows raspberry]
1233
01:03:09,085 --> 01:03:12,450
Love the fucking cosplay,
you guys. Yes!
1234
01:03:12,452 --> 01:03:13,787
Silent Jay, I dig it.
1235
01:03:14,220 --> 01:03:17,385
Hello, everyone,
my name is Kuish.
1236
01:03:17,387 --> 01:03:19,918
You little kids looking
to mainline some of that...
1237
01:03:19,920 --> 01:03:25,752
That sweet ass, that bomb ass
dank Bluntman and Chronic merch?
1238
01:03:25,754 --> 01:03:28,851
Because we got Bluntman
and Chronic Funko Pops.
1239
01:03:28,853 --> 01:03:31,753
We got Bluntman and Chronic
action figures.
1240
01:03:32,352 --> 01:03:34,386
Did your mommy or daddy
just die?
1241
01:03:35,820 --> 01:03:38,017
We got a Bluntman
and Chronic urn.
1242
01:03:38,019 --> 01:03:39,454
Smoke 'em up, put them in.
1243
01:03:40,286 --> 01:03:43,685
Or check this out, go ahead
and show your pride
1244
01:03:43,687 --> 01:03:46,684
with our exclusive
and inclusive
1245
01:03:46,686 --> 01:03:49,453
B and C LGBTQ...
1246
01:03:50,486 --> 01:03:51,788
tee. Check it out.
1247
01:04:05,620 --> 01:04:08,017
♪ I'll make you feel better than
Any other guy in the world ♪
1248
01:04:08,019 --> 01:04:11,451
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1249
01:04:11,453 --> 01:04:12,988
♪ Oh, tell me good morning ♪
1250
01:04:13,920 --> 01:04:17,718
Good day. Chris Hemsworth
and, uh, I've been paid to...
1251
01:04:17,720 --> 01:04:20,150
To welcome you to the tenth
Annual Hollywood Chronic-Con.
1252
01:04:20,152 --> 01:04:22,585
Yay. Welcome.
Uh, now, full disclosure.
1253
01:04:22,587 --> 01:04:24,083
I'm not the real
Chris Hemsworth.
1254
01:04:24,085 --> 01:04:25,884
I'm only a hologram,
as you can see.
1255
01:04:25,886 --> 01:04:27,884
So, uh,
feel free to take selfies
1256
01:04:27,886 --> 01:04:29,817
with my holographic image.
Um, but, please,
1257
01:04:29,819 --> 01:04:31,717
and I can't even believe I have
to fucking say this,
1258
01:04:31,719 --> 01:04:33,918
but please do not
hump the hologram.
1259
01:04:33,920 --> 01:04:36,685
All right? Or you'll burn
your dick off or whatever it is
1260
01:04:36,687 --> 01:04:38,685
that you're thrusting
into the hologram.
1261
01:04:38,687 --> 01:04:41,785
So don't do it. Do not fellate
the hologram either, you know?
1262
01:04:41,787 --> 01:04:43,051
You might burn
your mouth off.
1263
01:04:43,053 --> 01:04:45,083
And... And please don't record
yourself having conversations
1264
01:04:45,085 --> 01:04:47,817
with the holographic version of
me as if you're talking to me
1265
01:04:47,819 --> 01:04:48,917
saying things like,
"Oh, I'm gonna...
1266
01:04:48,919 --> 01:04:51,485
I'm gonna hump you
until you're Thor." You know?
1267
01:04:51,487 --> 01:04:53,650
Only my wife is allowed to
objectify me like that.
1268
01:04:53,652 --> 01:04:55,385
And I have no choice in that.
But I have a choice in this.
1269
01:04:55,387 --> 01:04:56,451
So don't do it.
1270
01:04:56,453 --> 01:04:57,450
Now, if you're looking for
1271
01:04:57,452 --> 01:04:59,818
all the big celebrity
guest panels, go left.
1272
01:04:59,820 --> 01:05:01,084
Uh, if you wanna be an extra
1273
01:05:01,086 --> 01:05:02,952
in the new Bluntman movie,
go right.
1274
01:05:02,954 --> 01:05:05,417
But whichever way you go,
uh, hope you have fun
1275
01:05:05,419 --> 01:05:08,785
at this year's Chronic-Con.
Because you're Hems-worth it.
1276
01:05:08,787 --> 01:05:10,053
Trademark, Chris Hemsworth.
1277
01:05:12,687 --> 01:05:14,688
Oh. We came a long way.
1278
01:05:15,720 --> 01:05:16,721
Let's do this.
1279
01:05:23,419 --> 01:05:24,520
Yo!
1280
01:05:25,952 --> 01:05:27,851
Where the fuck are you going?
1281
01:05:27,853 --> 01:05:30,884
Uh, we came to Hollywood
so Shan Yu could be an extra
1282
01:05:30,886 --> 01:05:34,417
in that stupid Bluntman reboot.
And that is this way.
1283
01:05:34,419 --> 01:05:35,785
And we came to Hollywood
1284
01:05:35,787 --> 01:05:38,150
to stop this stupid reboot
from happening.
1285
01:05:38,152 --> 01:05:41,017
And all the famous people
are this way.
1286
01:05:41,019 --> 01:05:42,454
Stop the reboot? Why?
1287
01:05:42,953 --> 01:05:44,951
It's a long story,
but it ends with us
1288
01:05:44,953 --> 01:05:46,787
kicking the shit
out of Kevin James.
1289
01:05:47,420 --> 01:05:49,753
Fuck Kevin James.
Kevin can wait.
1290
01:05:50,185 --> 01:05:52,484
What we're doing
is really important.
1291
01:05:52,486 --> 01:05:55,417
Uh, us stopping the movie
is the most important thing
1292
01:05:55,419 --> 01:05:57,720
we're ever gonna do... again.
1293
01:06:04,019 --> 01:06:06,553
Look, I have risked everything
to come here...
1294
01:06:07,520 --> 01:06:08,752
but it will be all be worth it
1295
01:06:08,754 --> 01:06:10,785
if Shan Yu can be
in that reboot.
1296
01:06:10,787 --> 01:06:11,787
So I guess...
1297
01:06:13,119 --> 01:06:14,486
I guess this is goodbye.
1298
01:06:15,753 --> 01:06:17,653
No. Wait a... Wait a minute.
1299
01:06:22,420 --> 01:06:23,453
This, um...
1300
01:06:24,253 --> 01:06:27,818
This is my legacy right here,
it's the last one
1301
01:06:27,820 --> 01:06:28,821
in the whole world...
1302
01:06:29,586 --> 01:06:32,520
and I want you to have it
to remember me by.
1303
01:06:34,453 --> 01:06:35,551
But when you smoke it
1304
01:06:35,553 --> 01:06:37,321
you're not gonna
remember shit, so...
1305
01:06:37,987 --> 01:06:39,754
save it for a special occasion.
1306
01:06:59,152 --> 01:07:00,354
Um...
1307
01:07:02,052 --> 01:07:04,820
I don't know a lot of stuff,
okay? But...
1308
01:07:06,153 --> 01:07:07,387
I do know this...
1309
01:07:08,754 --> 01:07:11,754
you're a great fucking kid
and some asshole
1310
01:07:12,353 --> 01:07:14,886
really missed out
on being your dad.
1311
01:07:19,120 --> 01:07:20,321
[crying]
Thanks.
1312
01:07:46,952 --> 01:07:49,550
[whistling]
1313
01:07:49,552 --> 01:07:50,852
[security guard]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1314
01:07:52,119 --> 01:07:53,752
Where are your badges?
1315
01:07:53,754 --> 01:07:56,850
Nobody gets in, as the French
say... sans badge.
1316
01:07:56,852 --> 01:08:00,084
Come on, you security dick,
what's the big deal anyway?
1317
01:08:00,086 --> 01:08:01,217
Security dick?
1318
01:08:01,219 --> 01:08:04,883
The big deal is we got America's
most precious resources
1319
01:08:04,885 --> 01:08:06,484
behind these doors.
1320
01:08:06,486 --> 01:08:10,618
Actors, actresses, directors,
podcasters,
1321
01:08:10,620 --> 01:08:12,816
they make us laugh,
they make us cry,
1322
01:08:12,818 --> 01:08:14,617
they show us ourselves.
1323
01:08:14,619 --> 01:08:17,150
And it's my job
not only to keep them safe
1324
01:08:17,152 --> 01:08:19,451
from their greasiest
nut bar fans
1325
01:08:19,453 --> 01:08:20,587
with the hammers of justice,
1326
01:08:21,052 --> 01:08:22,685
but also to meet every one
1327
01:08:22,687 --> 01:08:25,387
of their
borderline infantile needs.
1328
01:08:26,754 --> 01:08:27,887
Hey, security dick.
1329
01:08:28,986 --> 01:08:29,953
[security guard] Oh.
1330
01:08:30,420 --> 01:08:32,783
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's
Dead's Keith Coogan.
1331
01:08:32,785 --> 01:08:34,083
It's just Keith.
1332
01:08:34,085 --> 01:08:35,484
Thanks,
that's really hard to say.
1333
01:08:35,486 --> 01:08:37,551
The candy buffet ran out
of Swedish Fish.
1334
01:08:37,553 --> 01:08:38,550
[gasps]
1335
01:08:38,552 --> 01:08:40,019
So I guess... [clears throat]
1336
01:08:40,853 --> 01:08:42,151
...wait for it.
1337
01:08:42,153 --> 01:08:44,484
The fishes are done, man.
1338
01:08:44,486 --> 01:08:45,919
[laughing]
1339
01:08:47,819 --> 01:08:49,354
- Right?
- [security guard] Yeah.
1340
01:08:51,486 --> 01:08:52,487
Hilarious.
1341
01:09:01,119 --> 01:09:04,385
I have a question for the real
Jay and Silent Bob.
1342
01:09:04,387 --> 01:09:05,920
All right,
this reboot is bullshit.
1343
01:09:06,353 --> 01:09:08,953
Bullshit, what do you guys
think about this reboot?
1344
01:09:09,485 --> 01:09:11,384
I got... I got this one.
[clears throat]
1345
01:09:11,386 --> 01:09:13,084
Yeah, um, it sucks.
1346
01:09:13,086 --> 01:09:15,950
There, I said it.
Are you happy now, TMZ?
1347
01:09:15,952 --> 01:09:17,184
Dude, TMZ's not even here.
1348
01:09:17,186 --> 01:09:20,850
And who's directing this shit
anyway, Kevin fucking Smith?
1349
01:09:20,852 --> 01:09:21,951
[laughs]
1350
01:09:21,953 --> 01:09:25,584
Are you fucking kidding me?
This movie is doomed.
1351
01:09:25,586 --> 01:09:27,784
It is... I was in Jersey Girl,
okay,
1352
01:09:27,786 --> 01:09:29,150
- destroyed my career.
- Yup.
1353
01:09:29,152 --> 01:09:31,784
Bluntman and Chronic
was a cult classic, okay,
1354
01:09:31,786 --> 01:09:33,685
it doesn't need
a Kevin Smith remake.
1355
01:09:33,687 --> 01:09:34,753
Reboot.
1356
01:09:35,253 --> 01:09:36,950
How are you not pissed off, huh?
1357
01:09:36,952 --> 01:09:39,484
Kevin Smith
is literally shitting
1358
01:09:39,486 --> 01:09:41,453
in the mouth
of the original movie.
1359
01:09:42,753 --> 01:09:44,050
I think the movie
is gonna be great.
1360
01:09:44,052 --> 01:09:45,585
Why are you sucking
the reboot's dick?
1361
01:09:45,587 --> 01:09:47,716
They're not gonna put you in it,
all right.
1362
01:09:47,718 --> 01:09:49,453
They're never gonna call you,
Diplo.
1363
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:52,783
- Listen, buttfucker.
- [Jason] Van Der Bitch.
1364
01:09:52,785 --> 01:09:55,054
Ooh, he called him
Van Der Bitch.
1365
01:09:57,718 --> 01:09:58,752
Interlopers.
1366
01:09:59,752 --> 01:10:00,753
Shit!
1367
01:10:08,818 --> 01:10:13,353
Of all said words, with tongue
or pen, the saddest of these,
1368
01:10:13,920 --> 01:10:15,687
they cancelled
Comic Book Men.
1369
01:10:34,587 --> 01:10:36,687
[screaming]
1370
01:10:42,718 --> 01:10:45,450
[Holden] Look at these
morose motherfuckers right here.
1371
01:10:45,452 --> 01:10:47,050
[Silent Bob gasps]
1372
01:10:47,052 --> 01:10:50,387
Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bong.
1373
01:10:53,120 --> 01:10:54,151
[Jay] Holy fuck,
1374
01:10:54,153 --> 01:10:57,017
they got you mixed
up in this reboot shit, too?
1375
01:10:57,019 --> 01:10:58,284
You sound like my agent.
1376
01:10:58,286 --> 01:11:01,117
What are you two dirt merchants
doing in this neck of Hollywood?
1377
01:11:01,119 --> 01:11:04,118
Oh, I'll tell you what our necks
are doing in Holly's wood.
1378
01:11:04,120 --> 01:11:07,384
We're here to stop that
fuckin' reboot from happening,
1379
01:11:07,386 --> 01:11:09,750
so take us to Kevin James.
1380
01:11:09,752 --> 01:11:11,053
First of all, hi.
1381
01:11:11,919 --> 01:11:13,087
Nice to see you.
1382
01:11:14,552 --> 01:11:15,950
Been years, oh.
1383
01:11:15,952 --> 01:11:17,053
Nice to see you.
1384
01:11:18,186 --> 01:11:20,784
Good to see that one of you
at least is taking his age
1385
01:11:20,786 --> 01:11:22,117
and his health seriously.
1386
01:11:22,119 --> 01:11:23,550
Hey, what's with all the wires?
1387
01:11:23,552 --> 01:11:24,784
Are you trying
to destroy the stage?
1388
01:11:24,786 --> 01:11:27,354
Oh, just finished recording
a live episode of my podcast.
1389
01:11:27,886 --> 01:11:30,083
Holy fuck,
you got a podcast, too?
1390
01:11:30,085 --> 01:11:32,518
Is it to contextualize life
in America
1391
01:11:32,520 --> 01:11:34,884
- for your audience in China?
- What?
1392
01:11:34,886 --> 01:11:37,650
No, I interview people
in the funny book biz.
1393
01:11:37,652 --> 01:11:39,983
Since this is my first
Chronic-Con as guest of honor,
1394
01:11:39,985 --> 01:11:41,883
it's time I got someone else
to interview me.
1395
01:11:41,885 --> 01:11:43,751
Who? Banky fucking Edwards?
1396
01:11:43,753 --> 01:11:45,486
[Alyssa]
Not Banky fucking Edwards.
1397
01:11:46,919 --> 01:11:48,585
Alyssa fucking Jones.
1398
01:11:49,052 --> 01:11:50,585
It's fucking Finger-Cuffs.
1399
01:11:51,118 --> 01:11:52,517
- Oh, my God.
- [laughing]
1400
01:11:52,519 --> 01:11:53,850
Wait, what's so funny?
1401
01:11:53,852 --> 01:11:55,851
Remember Chasing Amy,
the classy book I did
1402
01:11:55,853 --> 01:11:57,783
after Bluntman and Chronic that
won me all the awards?
1403
01:11:57,785 --> 01:12:01,083
Anyway, Alyssa's turning that
book into a series for Netflix.
1404
01:12:01,085 --> 01:12:03,017
It was always a story that
should have been told
1405
01:12:03,019 --> 01:12:06,649
from a queer perspective
or a woman's perspective
1406
01:12:06,651 --> 01:12:10,051
or any perspective other than
a cis white man's.
1407
01:12:10,053 --> 01:12:11,617
Anyway we're laughing
because Netflix wants
1408
01:12:11,619 --> 01:12:12,883
an edgier title
than Chasing Amy,
1409
01:12:12,885 --> 01:12:14,751
one of their suggestions
was Finger-Cuffs.
1410
01:12:14,753 --> 01:12:16,385
You should text them a picture
1411
01:12:16,387 --> 01:12:18,450
of these two juggle heads,
and say they love your title.
1412
01:12:18,452 --> 01:12:20,683
Who are they? Harold and Kumar?
1413
01:12:20,685 --> 01:12:23,617
What? No. This is the actual
Jay and Silent Bob.
1414
01:12:23,619 --> 01:12:24,320
- What?
- Yeah.
1415
01:12:24,886 --> 01:12:26,050
Me and Banky used to buy weed
off these guys at Quik Stop.
1416
01:12:26,052 --> 01:12:28,385
That's where I got the idea
for Bluntman and Chronic.
1417
01:12:28,387 --> 01:12:31,020
Then the quiet one gave me
the title idea for Chasing Amy.
1418
01:12:31,452 --> 01:12:32,884
Come to think of it,
you motherfuckers
1419
01:12:32,886 --> 01:12:34,750
pay off like slot machines.
1420
01:12:34,752 --> 01:12:36,118
Save some new shit for me
to steal.
1421
01:12:36,120 --> 01:12:37,884
- [chuckling]
- [woman] There you are.
1422
01:12:37,886 --> 01:12:38,683
- Hey, hon.
- Hey.
1423
01:12:38,685 --> 01:12:40,418
- Hey, Holden. Great panel.
- Hey.
1424
01:12:40,420 --> 01:12:42,550
Um, she's looking for you,
again.
1425
01:12:42,552 --> 01:12:43,884
- Already?
- Yes.
1426
01:12:43,886 --> 01:12:45,787
- I'm off to release the Kraken.
- Sorry.
1427
01:12:47,519 --> 01:12:48,816
"Release the Kraken,"
what is that,
1428
01:12:48,818 --> 01:12:50,520
a sex thing
between married people?
1429
01:12:50,986 --> 01:12:53,752
Are you even remotely familiar
with the story of Chasing Amy?
1430
01:12:54,219 --> 01:12:56,884
You're in it. I know it's a lot
of words, but fuck.
1431
01:12:56,886 --> 01:12:59,385
No, she's gay, bro.
1432
01:12:59,387 --> 01:13:01,417
Okay, obviously
Alyssa and I aren't married,
1433
01:13:01,419 --> 01:13:03,986
married people don't like
each other. We're co-parents.
1434
01:13:05,152 --> 01:13:07,418
- Wait a second, you have a kid?
- Yeah.
1435
01:13:07,420 --> 01:13:08,984
Alyssa and her partner wanted
to have a baby
1436
01:13:08,986 --> 01:13:11,484
and since we've known each other
and, more importantly,
1437
01:13:11,486 --> 01:13:14,117
liked each other for 20 years,
they asked me to be the father.
1438
01:13:14,119 --> 01:13:16,786
Yes, you got to hit
that shit again, son?
1439
01:13:18,120 --> 01:13:20,717
I can see you've matured well.
1440
01:13:20,719 --> 01:13:22,550
No, I got to hit
the doctor's office
1441
01:13:22,552 --> 01:13:23,916
where I filled a cup.
1442
01:13:23,918 --> 01:13:26,454
We went in-vitro. Science, bro.
1443
01:13:27,819 --> 01:13:30,620
You know, a year later I met
a girl who loves me.
1444
01:13:31,519 --> 01:13:33,054
Who loves me.
1445
01:13:36,387 --> 01:13:38,017
She wants to know
who Daddy's talking to.
1446
01:13:38,019 --> 01:13:39,720
[Holden]
Hi, little pink sugar heart.
1447
01:13:41,819 --> 01:13:43,118
Say hi to Daddy's friends.
1448
01:13:43,120 --> 01:13:45,483
Daddy's known these boys
since he was little.
1449
01:13:45,485 --> 01:13:47,553
Boys,
this is our daughter, Amy.
1450
01:13:50,652 --> 01:13:52,917
Dude, just like that story
you tell.
1451
01:13:52,919 --> 01:13:54,653
Say hello to Jay and Silent Bob.
1452
01:13:55,719 --> 01:13:57,054
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
1453
01:13:58,387 --> 01:13:59,354
Hi.
1454
01:13:59,985 --> 01:14:02,053
Whoop. [grunts]
1455
01:14:03,119 --> 01:14:05,151
[Alyssa] So you got her?
We're gonna go grab a smoke
1456
01:14:05,153 --> 01:14:06,653
and check out the cosplay.
1457
01:14:08,819 --> 01:14:11,051
Okay. Have fun,
thanks for the interview.
1458
01:14:11,053 --> 01:14:12,683
["Stay With Me"
by Mary Born plays]
1459
01:14:12,685 --> 01:14:14,449
So what do you think, kiddo?
1460
01:14:14,451 --> 01:14:16,083
Do you like
these stinky old fools?
1461
01:14:16,085 --> 01:14:17,151
[Amy] Mm-hmm.
1462
01:14:17,153 --> 01:14:18,784
Dude, how did something
so amazing
1463
01:14:18,786 --> 01:14:21,020
come from your funny book
making balls?
1464
01:14:22,618 --> 01:14:24,719
Well, it's a mystery to me,
too, G.
1465
01:14:26,086 --> 01:14:27,519
I'm a huge fan of the kid.
1466
01:14:28,152 --> 01:14:31,452
Bluntman's getting a reboot,
Netflix is making Amy.
1467
01:14:32,386 --> 01:14:33,417
People hate the present so much,
1468
01:14:33,419 --> 01:14:35,384
it's like they wanna
retreat into the past.
1469
01:14:35,386 --> 01:14:37,387
All of a sudden
all my old bullshit is back.
1470
01:14:38,386 --> 01:14:40,450
And some of that old bullshit
meant the world to me
1471
01:14:40,452 --> 01:14:41,586
when I was starting out.
1472
01:14:42,785 --> 01:14:44,450
But now that all my
childhood dreams
1473
01:14:44,452 --> 01:14:45,383
are starting to come true,
1474
01:14:45,385 --> 01:14:46,953
I mean, it's nice,
don't get me wrong...
1475
01:14:47,619 --> 01:14:49,820
that kid is just
way more interesting to me.
1476
01:14:50,419 --> 01:14:52,016
I used to think life
was all about me,
1477
01:14:52,018 --> 01:14:53,584
I was the hero of my own story.
1478
01:14:53,586 --> 01:14:55,583
A Bruce Wayne
of one life-long issue
1479
01:14:55,585 --> 01:14:56,886
of Detective Comics,
so to speak.
1480
01:14:57,886 --> 01:15:00,453
And then that kid came along
and suddenly you realize...
1481
01:15:01,718 --> 01:15:03,354
you're not Bruce Wayne anymore.
1482
01:15:04,451 --> 01:15:05,916
You're Thomas Wayne
1483
01:15:05,918 --> 01:15:09,384
or Bruce Wayne's mom,
whose name escapes me.
1484
01:15:09,386 --> 01:15:11,784
♪ Stay, and don't you ever
Run away... ♪
1485
01:15:11,786 --> 01:15:14,553
Anyway, I'm just here to set
the real story in motion.
1486
01:15:15,885 --> 01:15:17,617
Because once you become
a parent,
1487
01:15:17,619 --> 01:15:19,887
you're not the star anymore.
You're the stage.
1488
01:15:21,385 --> 01:15:23,384
I'm just here to prop up
my kid so she can put on
1489
01:15:23,386 --> 01:15:25,586
the show of her life,
like my parents did for me,
1490
01:15:26,085 --> 01:15:27,483
like theirs did before them.
1491
01:15:27,485 --> 01:15:29,050
And if you're lucky enough
to have a kid,
1492
01:15:29,052 --> 01:15:31,850
the tradeoff is you don't really
get a third act to your story,
1493
01:15:31,852 --> 01:15:33,053
because the story changes.
1494
01:15:33,519 --> 01:15:35,419
All of a sudden
it's not about you anymore...
1495
01:15:36,087 --> 01:15:37,987
for the first time
in your self-involved life...
1496
01:15:39,086 --> 01:15:40,553
that's okay.
1497
01:15:41,519 --> 01:15:42,752
Kids are like our reboots,
1498
01:15:43,252 --> 01:15:45,051
another chance to tell
a brand-new version
1499
01:15:45,053 --> 01:15:46,353
of the same old story.
1500
01:15:46,886 --> 01:15:48,550
I know I'm supposed to be
teaching Amy stuff,
1501
01:15:48,552 --> 01:15:51,053
but it's like I'm learning
from her every day.
1502
01:15:52,585 --> 01:15:55,552
So, spend my days chasing Amy...
1503
01:15:57,419 --> 01:15:58,516
so to speak.
1504
01:15:58,518 --> 01:16:00,916
♪ Stay with me ♪
1505
01:16:00,918 --> 01:16:03,416
Look. I know I dragged us all
the way to Hollywood
1506
01:16:03,418 --> 01:16:05,816
to stop this fucking reboot
from happening,
1507
01:16:05,818 --> 01:16:07,083
but I haven't been there
for Milly
1508
01:16:07,085 --> 01:16:08,951
her whole fucking life,
Silent Bob.
1509
01:16:08,953 --> 01:16:10,087
Sorry. Who's Milly?
1510
01:16:10,786 --> 01:16:13,717
And we came
to get our names back,
1511
01:16:13,719 --> 01:16:16,016
but I have a new fucking name,
Silent Bob,
1512
01:16:16,018 --> 01:16:18,050
and it's fucking Dad, okay?
1513
01:16:18,052 --> 01:16:20,887
And that will be the only name
I ever need again.
1514
01:16:23,919 --> 01:16:26,416
Yo, Bluntboy, you think you can
get us in the reboot shoot
1515
01:16:26,418 --> 01:16:27,420
in the ballroom?
1516
01:16:28,086 --> 01:16:30,720
- I'm guest of honor, bro.
- [gasps]
1517
01:16:33,552 --> 01:16:34,586
Thanks, bro.
1518
01:16:36,952 --> 01:16:39,050
- They're gone, girl.
- Where?
1519
01:16:39,052 --> 01:16:40,919
They're on the town.
It's just us.
1520
01:16:41,352 --> 01:16:42,850
We're the Just Us League.
1521
01:16:42,852 --> 01:16:44,851
What are you looking at me
like that for?
1522
01:16:44,853 --> 01:16:46,687
You're like,
"Oh, go fuck yourself."
1523
01:16:50,086 --> 01:16:52,083
Okay, Shan Yu. This is it.
1524
01:16:52,085 --> 01:16:54,420
Your dream
is about to come true.
1525
01:16:55,153 --> 01:16:57,884
VIP, out of the way,
out of the way.
1526
01:16:57,886 --> 01:16:59,486
[man] Watch your beard, man.
1527
01:17:00,186 --> 01:17:03,117
Okay, everybody.
Everybody, listen up.
1528
01:17:03,119 --> 01:17:04,919
We can't take any more extras.
1529
01:17:06,085 --> 01:17:07,549
Get out of here.
1530
01:17:07,551 --> 01:17:09,417
Uh, no. We're... We're next.
1531
01:17:09,419 --> 01:17:13,417
You... No, you're not. Okay?
Sign in is done.
1532
01:17:13,419 --> 01:17:15,150
Well, I'm not done,
motherfucker.
1533
01:17:15,152 --> 01:17:17,449
Did you not hear that?
Get out of here.
1534
01:17:17,451 --> 01:17:21,017
I'm done today
and you're done today.
1535
01:17:21,019 --> 01:17:24,453
[babbling]
1536
01:17:26,719 --> 01:17:27,850
Yo.
1537
01:17:27,852 --> 01:17:29,883
If we can't stop this reboot,
1538
01:17:29,885 --> 01:17:32,083
we might as well
watch this reboot.
1539
01:17:32,085 --> 01:17:34,784
Get your VIP badges
right here.
1540
01:17:34,786 --> 01:17:35,920
One, two, three, four...
1541
01:17:46,852 --> 01:17:48,984
I've never been on a movie set
before.
1542
01:17:48,986 --> 01:17:53,484
Oh, we have. And movie people
are dicks, especially directors.
1543
01:17:53,486 --> 01:17:54,783
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
1544
01:17:54,785 --> 01:17:56,784
the director of
Bluntman v Chronic, Kevin Smith.
1545
01:17:56,786 --> 01:17:59,483
♪ Everybody spot a spliff
for the legend Kevin Smith ♪
1546
01:17:59,485 --> 01:18:01,584
- [music plays]
- Hey!
1547
01:18:01,586 --> 01:18:03,486
[cheering]
1548
01:18:05,885 --> 01:18:08,649
Oh, my God, man. Thank you
for fucking being here.
1549
01:18:08,651 --> 01:18:11,919
Number one, happy Chronic-Con,
everybody.
1550
01:18:14,385 --> 01:18:15,816
I don't know
if anybody knows this,
1551
01:18:15,818 --> 01:18:18,084
but last year,
I had a heart attack.
1552
01:18:18,086 --> 01:18:20,583
So, what I did
was cast the movie
1553
01:18:20,585 --> 01:18:23,917
with a bunch of people
who were sad that I almost died.
1554
01:18:23,919 --> 01:18:25,687
- I guilted the cast...
- [audience laughs]
1555
01:18:26,319 --> 01:18:28,984
...into joining the movie. So,
you know, SAG should give us
1556
01:18:28,986 --> 01:18:31,584
award for the guiltiest fucking
cast, man.
1557
01:18:31,586 --> 01:18:33,617
- [audience laughs]
- I hate this guy.
1558
01:18:33,619 --> 01:18:35,852
He forces his kid
to be in everything he makes.
1559
01:18:36,284 --> 01:18:38,118
Right now it's just an idea
in your heads,
1560
01:18:38,120 --> 01:18:39,884
"Ooh, what can this movie be?"
1561
01:18:39,886 --> 01:18:43,483
Fuck ideas. I'm from Hollywood.
That's what we say and shit.
1562
01:18:43,485 --> 01:18:44,584
So, what I'm gonna do,
1563
01:18:44,586 --> 01:18:47,118
we're gonna show you
an actual clip from the movie,
1564
01:18:47,120 --> 01:18:50,517
Bluntman v Chronic
right now, man.
1565
01:18:50,519 --> 01:18:51,717
[audience cheers and applauds]
1566
01:18:51,719 --> 01:18:55,583
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bluntman v Chronic.
1567
01:18:55,585 --> 01:18:56,850
Check this shit out.
1568
01:18:56,852 --> 01:18:57,852
[cheering]
1569
01:18:59,652 --> 01:19:00,653
Woo!
1570
01:19:01,585 --> 01:19:04,652
[dramatic music playing]
1571
01:19:13,019 --> 01:19:16,887
Bluntman!
1572
01:19:41,585 --> 01:19:42,720
[phone dings]
1573
01:19:47,452 --> 01:19:48,720
Holy fuck.
1574
01:19:49,152 --> 01:19:50,653
Oh, you're mad at me?
1575
01:19:53,052 --> 01:19:55,352
Lemme be blunt, man.
1576
01:19:55,753 --> 01:19:58,086
I liked you better when you were
silent, Bob.
1577
01:20:02,118 --> 01:20:03,216
[phone dings]
1578
01:20:03,218 --> 01:20:07,051
If you really wanna V,
I'm ready to blast your ass
1579
01:20:07,053 --> 01:20:09,916
- and kick you in the hater tots.
- [gasping]
1580
01:20:09,918 --> 01:20:12,417
[gasps] Merkin was right, dude.
"Hater Totz" does mean
1581
01:20:12,419 --> 01:20:14,150
different things
to different people.
1582
01:20:14,152 --> 01:20:15,653
[cocks grenade launcher]
1583
01:20:17,119 --> 01:20:18,787
- [grenade launcher fires]
- [grunts]
1584
01:20:24,853 --> 01:20:26,320
[coughs]
1585
01:20:29,652 --> 01:20:33,717
Oh, indica. You son of a bitch.
1586
01:20:33,719 --> 01:20:36,787
Smells like this reboot
went up in smoke.
1587
01:20:37,786 --> 01:20:40,352
- Alfred.
- Hi, man.
1588
01:20:43,018 --> 01:20:44,517
Sorry to How High, dude,
1589
01:20:44,519 --> 01:20:47,583
but this is now
the greatest movie ever made.
1590
01:20:47,585 --> 01:20:48,917
["Redemption Vibe"
playing in background]
1591
01:20:48,919 --> 01:20:52,050
When you said you wanted to V,
you meant vaping?
1592
01:20:52,052 --> 01:20:54,353
I thought the V was for versus.
1593
01:20:55,019 --> 01:20:57,483
- Stoners don't fight, man.
- No.
1594
01:20:57,485 --> 01:20:58,584
'Cause when you're baked,
1595
01:20:58,586 --> 01:21:01,817
you finally see all
the important details, you know?
1596
01:21:01,819 --> 01:21:03,717
You know what
I never noticed before?
1597
01:21:03,719 --> 01:21:07,686
This place is, like...
It's huge.
1598
01:21:08,452 --> 01:21:12,049
But, like, size is, like,
relative, man, you know.
1599
01:21:12,051 --> 01:21:14,320
You know, it's like little dogs.
1600
01:21:14,786 --> 01:21:16,549
They don't know they're little.
1601
01:21:16,551 --> 01:21:18,985
That's why they always start
shit with big dogs.
1602
01:21:19,553 --> 01:21:21,950
They don't get size, man.
1603
01:21:21,952 --> 01:21:24,886
Yeah. You know what else
they don't get? Money.
1604
01:21:25,984 --> 01:21:28,085
Try explaining money to a dog.
1605
01:21:29,019 --> 01:21:33,015
I have. It just looked
at me like, "Oh?"
1606
01:21:33,017 --> 01:21:37,050
I gave a dog a 20-dollar bill
once, man. It didn't work out.
1607
01:21:37,052 --> 01:21:39,520
- [laughing]
- [phone dings]
1608
01:21:42,151 --> 01:21:45,385
Hey, is this one of those
comic book movies, man?
1609
01:21:46,518 --> 01:21:47,619
[chuckling]
1610
01:21:48,219 --> 01:21:50,420
Oh, am I in Black Panther?
1611
01:21:52,386 --> 01:21:53,520
[grunts]
1612
01:21:54,585 --> 01:21:55,852
Oh, fuck.
1613
01:21:57,519 --> 01:21:59,716
- [cheering and applause]
- [man] Genius!
1614
01:21:59,718 --> 01:22:01,085
[woman] Wow fucking wow.
1615
01:22:02,085 --> 01:22:04,617
[man] Give that man an Oscar.
1616
01:22:04,619 --> 01:22:06,750
And that's just a taste,
ladies and gentlemen.
1617
01:22:06,752 --> 01:22:07,851
That's a soupçon.
1618
01:22:07,853 --> 01:22:10,450
Okay, the scene that
we're gonna shoot here today,
1619
01:22:10,452 --> 01:22:14,649
right now, is the invasion
of Chronic-Con, man.
1620
01:22:14,651 --> 01:22:17,149
So, give it up
for the contemptible
1621
01:22:17,151 --> 01:22:20,719
Cock Knocker Cockmandos,
ladies and gentlemen.
1622
01:22:21,419 --> 01:22:24,750
Look at that shit.
We spent so much money
1623
01:22:24,752 --> 01:22:26,884
on those costumes
it's fucking crazy.
1624
01:22:26,886 --> 01:22:28,750
So, the cast is fucking huge.
1625
01:22:28,752 --> 01:22:29,983
I'm still thinking about
putting my friend,
1626
01:22:29,985 --> 01:22:31,082
Jason Mewes, in it and shit.
1627
01:22:31,084 --> 01:22:33,816
And the jury is out
on whether I put my kid in it.
1628
01:22:33,818 --> 01:22:34,651
She's an actress now.
1629
01:22:35,119 --> 01:22:37,083
But I don't believe in nepotism
so I might leave her out of it.
1630
01:22:37,085 --> 01:22:38,986
Man, she can earn her own
fucking keep in Hollywood.
1631
01:22:39,820 --> 01:22:42,386
- Just so I can...
- What the fuck are you doing?
1632
01:22:43,219 --> 01:22:44,950
He kind of looks like
the director.
1633
01:22:44,952 --> 01:22:46,883
[Kevin Smith] ...is gonna be
in the actual picture.
1634
01:22:46,885 --> 01:22:49,751
My bad,
I forgot to say spoilers.
1635
01:22:49,753 --> 01:22:52,784
No way, man.
That guy wears jorts.
1636
01:22:52,786 --> 01:22:54,616
This guy would never wear jorts.
1637
01:22:54,618 --> 01:22:56,816
- What the fuck are jorts?
- Jean shorts.
1638
01:22:56,818 --> 01:22:57,983
[Kevin Smith]
That was our goal...
1639
01:22:57,985 --> 01:23:00,049
You stay here.
Wait for my signal.
1640
01:23:00,051 --> 01:23:01,016
[Kevin Smith] That's possible.
1641
01:23:01,018 --> 01:23:02,384
You, come with me.
1642
01:23:02,386 --> 01:23:03,317
[Kevin Smith]
...with the walrus movie,
1643
01:23:03,319 --> 01:23:05,549
but look at that.
Before we get started,
1644
01:23:05,551 --> 01:23:06,883
I have to go backstage
1645
01:23:06,885 --> 01:23:08,650
and take care
of some very important
1646
01:23:08,652 --> 01:23:09,983
director-type things.
1647
01:23:09,985 --> 01:23:11,915
But as soon as I get back, man,
1648
01:23:11,917 --> 01:23:13,851
we're gonna make some
movie magic together,
1649
01:23:13,853 --> 01:23:16,751
ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, movie magic!
1650
01:23:16,753 --> 01:23:18,653
[cheering and applause]
1651
01:23:19,084 --> 01:23:21,783
Where is my smoking jacket?
1652
01:23:21,785 --> 01:23:23,449
Did you see that crowd
out there, Mike?
1653
01:23:23,451 --> 01:23:26,750
Fuck, man. We're back, bitch.
Fuck Cop Out.
1654
01:23:26,752 --> 01:23:28,716
Thank you, my friend.
1655
01:23:28,718 --> 01:23:30,851
Mm, life is good.
1656
01:23:30,853 --> 01:23:34,985
Life is good and I'm now alone
and finally...
1657
01:23:36,618 --> 01:23:37,620
Mm.
1658
01:23:58,818 --> 01:23:59,820
Hey!
1659
01:24:00,319 --> 01:24:02,086
- Sleep, sleep, sleep.
- [choking]
1660
01:24:04,052 --> 01:24:05,453
Where's this signal at?
1661
01:24:08,884 --> 01:24:10,116
[man] I need to talk to him.
1662
01:24:10,118 --> 01:24:11,850
- He is occupied.
- [man] Who are you?
1663
01:24:11,852 --> 01:24:13,015
[Milly] He told me to tell you...
1664
01:24:13,017 --> 01:24:14,015
[man] He told you what?
1665
01:24:14,017 --> 01:24:16,018
- Those girls and that old man.
- He told you?
1666
01:24:22,885 --> 01:24:23,753
So...
1667
01:24:24,485 --> 01:24:27,384
the director stopped
speaking to me. Yeah.
1668
01:24:27,386 --> 01:24:28,451
I'm the first AD.
1669
01:24:28,453 --> 01:24:30,083
Right, so this whole thing
has gone off the rails.
1670
01:24:30,085 --> 01:24:31,950
This is a shitshow, worse
than House Party 4.
1671
01:24:31,952 --> 01:24:33,116
Trust me when I say that.
1672
01:24:33,118 --> 01:24:35,716
But he told some little girl
who I've never met before
1673
01:24:35,718 --> 01:24:38,815
to tell me to tell you that he
would like all of you diverse
1674
01:24:38,817 --> 01:24:41,416
and interesting young children
to get on stage with him today
1675
01:24:41,418 --> 01:24:42,383
and do this scene.
1676
01:24:42,385 --> 01:24:44,117
Hello, everybody.
1677
01:24:44,119 --> 01:24:47,720
I'm here because Kevin Smith
lost his voice.
1678
01:24:49,151 --> 01:24:50,782
[coughs]
1679
01:24:50,784 --> 01:24:55,416
Oh. But he asked me to tell you
to welcome to the stage
1680
01:24:55,418 --> 01:25:00,549
all the way from China,
Bluntman superfan, Shan Yu.
1681
01:25:00,551 --> 01:25:02,052
[cheering and applause]
1682
01:25:07,784 --> 01:25:09,085
Woo!
1683
01:25:15,851 --> 01:25:16,851
Come on. Come on.
1684
01:25:20,486 --> 01:25:21,849
[gun cocks]
1685
01:25:21,851 --> 01:25:22,986
[gasping]
1686
01:25:24,186 --> 01:25:28,650
Oh, holy shit. That girl just
pulled a gun on Kevin Smith.
1687
01:25:28,652 --> 01:25:31,416
'Cause she probably paid to see
Yoga Hosers.
1688
01:25:31,418 --> 01:25:32,919
That's not Kevin Smith.
1689
01:25:33,918 --> 01:25:34,919
Fist him.
1690
01:25:36,852 --> 01:25:38,617
Oh, shit.
1691
01:25:38,619 --> 01:25:41,383
The guy that's not Kevin Smith
just got fisted.
1692
01:25:41,385 --> 01:25:43,883
And he didn't even use
lubricant.
1693
01:25:43,885 --> 01:25:45,986
Throw that trash
into the garbage.
1694
01:25:47,486 --> 01:25:48,849
Commence collusion.
1695
01:25:48,851 --> 01:25:50,353
- [gunshot]
- [gasping]
1696
01:25:51,018 --> 01:25:53,452
So the fake Cock Knockers
are the real bad guys.
1697
01:25:53,919 --> 01:25:56,449
Fuck, this movie's hard
to keep straight.
1698
01:25:56,451 --> 01:25:58,383
What are you doing, Shan Yu?
1699
01:25:58,385 --> 01:26:00,520
Is it not as clear as vodka?
1700
01:26:01,086 --> 01:26:03,385
I'm not teenager from China.
1701
01:26:07,051 --> 01:26:08,419
[gasping]
1702
01:26:09,151 --> 01:26:12,049
I am secret agent from Russia.
1703
01:26:12,051 --> 01:26:14,918
One of them was wearing
a cat suit, I fucking knew it.
1704
01:26:19,452 --> 01:26:21,319
[Russian agent]
He smells American too.
1705
01:26:36,918 --> 01:26:39,586
Russia's infiltrated
American banks,
1706
01:26:40,251 --> 01:26:43,019
we have infiltrated
American elections,
1707
01:26:43,486 --> 01:26:45,918
and now, thanks to you...
1708
01:26:46,885 --> 01:26:50,918
we infiltrate American
pop culture conventions.
1709
01:26:51,852 --> 01:26:52,983
Why?
1710
01:26:52,985 --> 01:26:54,715
Take out your mobile devices
1711
01:26:54,717 --> 01:26:56,850
and broadcast
this historic moment
1712
01:26:56,852 --> 01:26:58,585
to the rest of the world.
1713
01:26:59,851 --> 01:27:01,882
What if
you only have a flip phone?
1714
01:27:01,884 --> 01:27:03,785
People of America...
1715
01:27:05,051 --> 01:27:09,785
I come in peace,
but director of Jersey Girl...
1716
01:27:12,084 --> 01:27:13,452
[Kevin Smith] Holy fuck!
1717
01:27:14,485 --> 01:27:15,219
Ow.
1718
01:27:15,785 --> 01:27:20,583
He will soon go to pieces when
I execute him live on internet.
1719
01:27:20,585 --> 01:27:22,384
[gasping]
1720
01:27:22,386 --> 01:27:24,486
Is this because
I'm a proud jorts wearer?
1721
01:27:24,951 --> 01:27:26,950
This because
you're standard issue,
1722
01:27:26,952 --> 01:27:30,550
overrated American pop culture
celebrity
1723
01:27:30,552 --> 01:27:32,416
who repeats himself
artistically,
1724
01:27:32,418 --> 01:27:35,550
if what you do
can even be called art,
1725
01:27:35,552 --> 01:27:38,752
and clings desperately
to past glory of 1990s.
1726
01:27:39,818 --> 01:27:41,549
You've been talking to my wife.
1727
01:27:41,551 --> 01:27:43,552
I'm not gonna let you do this,
Shan Yu.
1728
01:27:44,119 --> 01:27:47,683
But you helped me do this,
Millennium.
1729
01:27:47,685 --> 01:27:50,983
I catfish you and your friends
1730
01:27:50,985 --> 01:27:53,416
so I can harness
the liberal sympathies
1731
01:27:53,418 --> 01:27:55,516
of broken young women
1732
01:27:55,518 --> 01:27:58,919
who hoped to fill the deep
emotional void left by...
1733
01:27:59,718 --> 01:28:02,886
a sibling who tries
to kill you...
1734
01:28:03,917 --> 01:28:06,885
or the solitude of silence...
1735
01:28:07,684 --> 01:28:11,849
or worsen your privileged life
crying about the father
1736
01:28:11,851 --> 01:28:14,752
who left you
before you were even born.
1737
01:28:15,618 --> 01:28:19,082
Ooh, sick fucking burn, man.
I'll shut up.
1738
01:28:19,084 --> 01:28:21,385
[Jay]
Maybe her dad didn't leave her.
1739
01:28:21,984 --> 01:28:23,018
[Russian agent] What he say?
1740
01:28:24,984 --> 01:28:26,484
Maybe her dad didn't even know
1741
01:28:26,486 --> 01:28:28,085
he had a kid
until the other day.
1742
01:28:30,018 --> 01:28:31,616
What are you saying?
1743
01:28:31,618 --> 01:28:33,416
Jesus,
for a private school girl,
1744
01:28:33,418 --> 01:28:36,320
you're pretty fucking stupid.
I'm your father.
1745
01:28:37,818 --> 01:28:38,919
Oh, God. Wait.
1746
01:28:41,084 --> 01:28:44,882
- No way. No... No fucking way.
- Yes fucking way.
1747
01:28:44,884 --> 01:28:47,682
But I only found out the day
we came to Chicago
1748
01:28:47,684 --> 01:28:49,150
and I wanted to tell you
the whole trip,
1749
01:28:49,152 --> 01:28:51,082
but I promised your mom
I wouldn't.
1750
01:28:51,084 --> 01:28:53,582
But I'm telling you now,
because, sometimes,
1751
01:28:53,584 --> 01:28:57,083
breaking a promise is the right
fucking thing to do, all right?
1752
01:28:57,085 --> 01:28:59,384
Because if I kept every promise
I ever made,
1753
01:28:59,386 --> 01:29:00,915
you wouldn't be here,
1754
01:29:00,917 --> 01:29:02,115
because this one time,
1755
01:29:02,117 --> 01:29:04,782
I made a promise to your mom
that I wouldn't cum in her.
1756
01:29:04,784 --> 01:29:07,582
- What the fuck, man!
- Look, I'm sorry, all right?
1757
01:29:07,584 --> 01:29:10,615
I was only stalling
so I could get closer
1758
01:29:10,617 --> 01:29:14,685
to the guy with the big-ass gun,
now!
1759
01:29:16,785 --> 01:29:17,916
Yes!
1760
01:29:17,918 --> 01:29:19,353
- Here comes... ***
- [grenade launcher clicks]
1761
01:29:19,818 --> 01:29:21,816
This fucker's fake, dude.
1762
01:29:21,818 --> 01:29:22,918
Why would it be real?
1763
01:29:23,684 --> 01:29:24,949
No!
1764
01:29:24,951 --> 01:29:27,082
Don't any of you
cosplaying cocks have some
1765
01:29:27,084 --> 01:29:28,982
- real fucking guns? What the...
- [Russian agent] I sees him...
1766
01:29:28,984 --> 01:29:30,552
- Let him go!
- Nyet.
1767
01:29:31,119 --> 01:29:33,649
Before we execute Kevin Smith...
1768
01:29:33,651 --> 01:29:34,582
Fuck.
1769
01:29:34,584 --> 01:29:37,749
...first, we execute
this old degenerate.
1770
01:29:37,751 --> 01:29:40,384
- No!
- Old? Man, fuck you!
1771
01:29:40,386 --> 01:29:43,849
I give big daddy a moment
to offer his newfound daughter
1772
01:29:43,851 --> 01:29:48,750
any last heartfelt words
before we stop his heart.
1773
01:29:48,752 --> 01:29:51,815
Kid, I'm okay with dying
right now,
1774
01:29:51,817 --> 01:29:55,882
because I know a small piece
of me is gonna live on in you.
1775
01:29:55,884 --> 01:29:58,648
Not if they fucking kill me too,
you idiot.
1776
01:29:58,650 --> 01:30:01,886
Holy shit, you're right.
Somebody save me!
1777
01:30:02,650 --> 01:30:03,751
[thud]
1778
01:30:06,119 --> 01:30:06,983
What was that?
1779
01:30:06,985 --> 01:30:10,782
Ooh, you made him mad,
he's mad now!
1780
01:30:10,784 --> 01:30:11,849
[thud]
1781
01:30:11,851 --> 01:30:13,951
[agents speaking in Russian]
1782
01:30:14,618 --> 01:30:20,416
- What is that, Ted Underhill?
- I am not Ted Underhill.
1783
01:30:20,418 --> 01:30:22,882
Oh, fuck.
He's got a secret identity.
1784
01:30:22,884 --> 01:30:25,982
- Allow me to introduce myself.
- [thud]
1785
01:30:25,984 --> 01:30:27,485
- I'm Jay...
- [thud]
1786
01:30:28,319 --> 01:30:31,053
...and this is
my hetero-lifemate...
1787
01:30:33,119 --> 01:30:34,985
Iron Bob!
1788
01:30:38,752 --> 01:30:40,016
[Russian agent]
It's Robert Downey, Jr.
1789
01:30:40,018 --> 01:30:42,420
- What?
- Oh, Marvel gonna sue somebody.
1790
01:30:51,417 --> 01:30:52,648
[Russian agent]
Shoot the tin man.
1791
01:30:52,650 --> 01:30:54,651
Shoot! keep shooting!
1792
01:30:56,885 --> 01:30:58,552
[groans]
Dasvidaniya!
1793
01:31:00,618 --> 01:31:02,416
Yeah, Iron Bob!
1794
01:31:02,418 --> 01:31:04,619
[Russian agent]
For Mother Russia! Ow!
1795
01:31:16,517 --> 01:31:17,851
We know that guy.
1796
01:31:20,051 --> 01:31:23,516
Holy fuck! I can't wait until
they make him a Funko Pop.
1797
01:31:23,518 --> 01:31:24,786
[speaking High Valyrian]
1798
01:31:32,650 --> 01:31:35,715
Oh, my God, he just spoke
fucking Valyrian!
1799
01:31:35,717 --> 01:31:38,682
I'll fuck anything that moves!
1800
01:31:38,684 --> 01:31:39,550
Eject!
1801
01:31:39,552 --> 01:31:41,715
Holy shit, this shit's
fucking bananas!
1802
01:31:41,717 --> 01:31:43,986
Go! Hadouken!
1803
01:31:44,485 --> 01:31:46,649
Man, I smell some
fucking good weed,
1804
01:31:46,651 --> 01:31:47,783
that's some of that
dank-ass shit,
1805
01:31:47,785 --> 01:31:50,648
knock a motherfucker out
just like that. Like I said...
1806
01:31:50,650 --> 01:31:52,018
[sniffing]
1807
01:31:55,651 --> 01:31:59,052
[Russian agent] Oh, shit.
I've been drugged. [groans]
1808
01:32:00,384 --> 01:32:01,551
That's strong shit.
1809
01:32:01,985 --> 01:32:04,116
Hey, little girl.
Can I buy some weed from you?
1810
01:32:04,118 --> 01:32:05,319
I'm busy.
1811
01:32:06,119 --> 01:32:08,752
- [screeching]
- [all groaning]
1812
01:32:11,450 --> 01:32:13,618
My precious podcasting ears!
1813
01:32:14,219 --> 01:32:16,385
- Fuck!
- It hurts, Yes?
1814
01:32:16,984 --> 01:32:20,685
That's because this is
not a podcast recording device.
1815
01:32:21,784 --> 01:32:24,519
It is KGB sonic disrupter.
1816
01:32:25,019 --> 01:32:27,053
- You suck!
- [laughs]
1817
01:32:31,018 --> 01:32:32,384
[speaks Russian]
1818
01:32:36,585 --> 01:32:37,585
Fuck, yeah!
1819
01:32:42,952 --> 01:32:44,649
Let's get aggressive, girls.
1820
01:32:44,651 --> 01:32:45,951
[yelling]
1821
01:32:49,684 --> 01:32:50,750
Fuck.
1822
01:32:50,752 --> 01:32:52,519
[grunting]
1823
01:32:53,984 --> 01:32:55,882
That joint you gave me
really came in handy.
1824
01:32:55,884 --> 01:32:57,952
Whatever you do, don't tell
your mom I gave you weed.
1825
01:32:58,817 --> 01:33:02,116
Oh, my God, I fucking love
this reboot. Oh, shit.
1826
01:33:02,118 --> 01:33:02,984
All right.
1827
01:33:02,986 --> 01:33:05,117
So right about now, man,
we finished up
1828
01:33:05,119 --> 01:33:07,682
all three acts of the story,
all the main characters
1829
01:33:07,684 --> 01:33:08,951
are where they need to be...
1830
01:33:09,818 --> 01:33:12,716
all that's left is the emotional
denouement.
1831
01:33:12,718 --> 01:33:13,715
In order to get there,
1832
01:33:13,717 --> 01:33:16,552
maybe I'll start
a slow dissolve right about now.
1833
01:33:36,417 --> 01:33:37,584
So now what do we do?
1834
01:33:38,085 --> 01:33:39,850
I wanted to talk to you
about that.
1835
01:33:39,852 --> 01:33:40,852
Um...
1836
01:33:42,118 --> 01:33:43,619
I've never had a kid before.
1837
01:33:44,119 --> 01:33:45,918
It's okay, I never had
a dad before.
1838
01:33:47,684 --> 01:33:48,783
Yeah, but the thing is...
1839
01:33:48,785 --> 01:33:51,352
Is I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad.
1840
01:33:54,851 --> 01:33:57,851
Save it, old man. I...
I get it.
1841
01:34:05,718 --> 01:34:07,050
Like I was saying,
1842
01:34:07,052 --> 01:34:09,516
I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad,
1843
01:34:09,518 --> 01:34:10,952
so I wanna practice.
1844
01:34:11,450 --> 01:34:14,983
And so I figured, why not start
off with a dream I always had
1845
01:34:14,985 --> 01:34:16,916
of drinking coffee with my kid
1846
01:34:16,918 --> 01:34:19,719
and teaching her stuff
that she doesn't already know.
1847
01:34:20,551 --> 01:34:21,552
Like dad stuff.
1848
01:34:22,718 --> 01:34:23,719
Okay?
1849
01:34:25,119 --> 01:34:27,583
["Daughter"
by Pearl Jam playing]
1850
01:34:27,585 --> 01:34:29,448
Okay. I've hung out
in front of this store
1851
01:34:29,450 --> 01:34:32,718
almost my whole life.
My advice, don't do that.
1852
01:34:33,718 --> 01:34:34,786
Not for a while.
1853
01:34:35,417 --> 01:34:37,016
First, find a best friend
1854
01:34:37,018 --> 01:34:38,983
you can have
a whole lot of adventures with.
1855
01:34:38,985 --> 01:34:41,083
But pick a good listener,
1856
01:34:41,085 --> 01:34:43,415
someone that always
has your back
1857
01:34:43,417 --> 01:34:45,351
even when he's standing
right next to you.
1858
01:34:46,450 --> 01:34:47,651
♪ Young girl ♪
1859
01:34:48,851 --> 01:34:50,451
♪ Violins ♪
1860
01:34:51,551 --> 01:34:53,982
♪ Center of her own attention ♪
1861
01:34:53,984 --> 01:35:00,584
♪ The mother reads aloud
Child tries to understand it ♪
1862
01:35:01,383 --> 01:35:03,818
- ♪ Tries to make her proud ♪
- [phone dings]
1863
01:35:05,752 --> 01:35:07,850
♪ The shades go... ♪
1864
01:35:07,852 --> 01:35:10,482
But don't worry about fucking up
in life, okay?
1865
01:35:10,484 --> 01:35:14,383
Silent Bob always says,
"Failure is success training."
1866
01:35:14,385 --> 01:35:16,618
How come you aren't the most
successful man in the world?
1867
01:35:17,418 --> 01:35:18,185
I am today.
1868
01:35:18,685 --> 01:35:23,648
♪ Don't call me daughter
Not fit to, not fit too... ♪
1869
01:35:23,650 --> 01:35:25,415
All right, enough of that
mushy stuff.
1870
01:35:25,417 --> 01:35:28,019
Um, we have a whole lot
of catching up to do, kiddo.
1871
01:35:28,717 --> 01:35:31,351
- Alright. You ready?
- Let's do it, Dad.
1872
01:35:31,951 --> 01:35:34,415
Okay. So, one time me
and Silent Bob went
1873
01:35:34,417 --> 01:35:36,983
to this mall, right? And then,
a couple of years later,
1874
01:35:36,985 --> 01:35:40,852
we fought these renegade angels
and met God herself.
1875
01:35:41,283 --> 01:35:43,682
And even though me
and Silent Bob saved the world,
1876
01:35:43,684 --> 01:35:46,019
all these Catholics got
pissed off at us anyway.
1877
01:35:46,685 --> 01:35:48,485
Fuck them if they can't take
a joke.
1878
01:35:50,650 --> 01:35:51,982
Snoogans.
1879
01:35:51,984 --> 01:35:54,849
Oh, my God, you're learning,
snooge.
1880
01:35:54,851 --> 01:35:57,716
All right. Anyways,
after all that angel stuff,
1881
01:35:57,718 --> 01:35:59,982
me and Silent Bob went
to Hollywood.
1882
01:35:59,984 --> 01:36:01,949
That was the first time we went
to Hollywood
1883
01:36:01,951 --> 01:36:05,149
where we met your mom
and a monkey named Suzanne.
1884
01:36:05,151 --> 01:36:08,415
Yeah. She still sends us
Christmas cards every year.
1885
01:36:08,417 --> 01:36:09,583
My mom?
1886
01:36:09,585 --> 01:36:13,050
No, the monkey. Oh, and then
the Quik Stop burned down,
1887
01:36:13,052 --> 01:36:16,385
which is right around the time
me and Silent Bob went to rehab.
1888
01:36:16,951 --> 01:36:18,019
Why'd you guys go to rehab?
1889
01:36:18,952 --> 01:36:23,382
We got caught driving around
with deployed airbags.
1890
01:36:23,384 --> 01:36:24,818
♪ Not fit to ♪
1891
01:36:25,552 --> 01:36:30,648
♪ The picture kept
Will remind me ♪
1892
01:36:30,650 --> 01:36:35,648
♪ Don't call me daughter
Not fit to be ♪
1893
01:36:35,650 --> 01:36:40,548
♪ The picture kept
Will remind me ♪
1894
01:36:40,550 --> 01:36:42,551
♪ Don't call me ♪
1895
01:36:43,650 --> 01:36:44,750
[record scratching]
1896
01:36:44,752 --> 01:36:46,051
["Drinking Blunts"
by MC Chris plays]
1897
01:36:46,053 --> 01:36:49,081
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
1898
01:36:49,083 --> 01:36:50,815
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪
1899
01:36:50,817 --> 01:36:52,616
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪
1900
01:36:52,618 --> 01:36:55,882
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
1901
01:36:55,884 --> 01:36:57,616
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪
1902
01:36:57,618 --> 01:36:59,149
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪
1903
01:36:59,151 --> 01:37:00,916
♪ Like this beat
And how it bounces ♪
1904
01:37:00,918 --> 01:37:02,683
♪ Don't smoke trees
We smoke tree houses ♪
1905
01:37:02,685 --> 01:37:04,382
♪ Break them bushes
Shred them shrubs ♪
1906
01:37:04,384 --> 01:37:05,949
♪ Can't match the passion
Well, I match these nubs ♪
1907
01:37:05,951 --> 01:37:07,715
♪ Wreck them trees
Like Iron Giant ♪
1908
01:37:07,717 --> 01:37:09,549
♪ Taco Bell is where
My time went ♪
1909
01:37:09,551 --> 01:37:11,049
♪ Would you like
A fiesta bowl? ♪
1910
01:37:11,051 --> 01:37:12,716
♪ Christopher wants
A siesta bowl ♪
1911
01:37:12,718 --> 01:37:14,148
♪ Low rider liked it
'Cause it bounces up ♪
1912
01:37:14,150 --> 01:37:15,915
♪ Now roll that window
Like a basket bruh ♪
1913
01:37:15,917 --> 01:37:17,783
♪ Hey snickerin' clown
Put your licorice down ♪
1914
01:37:17,785 --> 01:37:19,549
♪ It's just like a joint
But it's bigger and brown ♪
1915
01:37:19,551 --> 01:37:21,583
♪ It's a blunt, but yo
We don't smoke them ♪
1916
01:37:21,585 --> 01:37:23,448
♪ We soak them
With our 40's open ♪
1917
01:37:23,450 --> 01:37:24,915
♪ Actin' loopy in our hooptie ♪
1918
01:37:24,917 --> 01:37:26,716
♪ Sippin' on our
doobie smoothie ♪
1919
01:37:26,718 --> 01:37:28,986
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ That's right, y'all ♪
1920
01:37:28,988 --> 01:37:30,382
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
1921
01:37:30,384 --> 01:37:31,684
♪ Smoothies with weed in them ♪
1922
01:37:31,686 --> 01:37:34,716
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
1923
01:37:34,718 --> 01:37:36,448
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪
1924
01:37:36,450 --> 01:37:38,014
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪
1925
01:37:38,016 --> 01:37:41,515
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪
1926
01:37:41,517 --> 01:37:43,048
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪
1927
01:37:43,050 --> 01:37:44,783
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪
1928
01:37:44,785 --> 01:37:48,082
♪ 40 shorty suck a titty
It ain't pretty in Cloud City ♪
1929
01:37:48,084 --> 01:37:51,583
♪ Billy D and 45, pour that shit
And watch it rise ♪
1930
01:37:51,585 --> 01:37:53,149
♪ Christopher B is sayin'
What's in this? ♪
1931
01:37:53,151 --> 01:37:55,049
♪ Christopher Lee is drinkin'
Old English ♪
1932
01:37:55,051 --> 01:37:58,049
♪ Budweiser, St. Ives, MGD
And a Billy Valentines ♪
1933
01:37:58,051 --> 01:37:59,982
♪ Turn it counterclockwise bring
The weed if you're holdin' ♪
1934
01:37:59,984 --> 01:38:01,883
♪ Ain't heard me girl
You put a shit in a cold... ♪
1935
01:38:01,885 --> 01:38:03,549
Holy shit, dude. She uses Jaws
1936
01:38:03,551 --> 01:38:05,519
as a unit of measurement,
just like us.
1937
01:38:06,918 --> 01:38:08,883
Stars are similar to Jay
and Silent Bob,
1938
01:38:08,885 --> 01:38:11,548
- aren't they?
- [laughing]
1939
01:38:11,550 --> 01:38:14,148
Um, I love watching the...
The work, you go,
1940
01:38:14,150 --> 01:38:17,483
"Oh, fuck, I stranded myself.
How do I not say 'us, '
1941
01:38:17,485 --> 01:38:19,552
anything but 'us, ' if I say 'us'
they'll kill me."
1942
01:38:22,650 --> 01:38:24,783
[Kevin Smith] It's called
Jay and Silent Bob Reboot,
1943
01:38:24,785 --> 01:38:25,982
and you're a huge character...
1944
01:38:25,984 --> 01:38:27,383
- Wonderful.
- ...in the whole thing.
1945
01:38:27,385 --> 01:38:28,716
- Oh, great, I can't wait.
- So, we're...
1946
01:38:28,718 --> 01:38:29,949
I'm... I'm put... Doing it here,
1947
01:38:29,951 --> 01:38:30,849
- so, you have to...
- Right.
1948
01:38:30,851 --> 01:38:31,982
- ...agree to do the movie.
- [applause]
1949
01:38:31,984 --> 01:38:34,716
Can't we do a little of it now
and stop wasting time?
1950
01:38:34,718 --> 01:38:36,048
- Go to that place.
- All right. Here we go.
1951
01:38:36,050 --> 01:38:37,051
- Action.
- Action.
1952
01:38:37,484 --> 01:38:38,686
Hey, fella...
1953
01:38:39,885 --> 01:38:40,949
[laughing]
1954
01:38:40,951 --> 01:38:42,716
You already broke character,
Lee.
1955
01:38:42,718 --> 01:38:44,718
What the hell?
We're burning film, man.
1956
01:38:45,585 --> 01:38:46,850
Hey, fella.
1957
01:38:46,852 --> 01:38:48,715
[laughing]
1958
01:38:48,717 --> 01:38:50,850
How do I get to...
[chuckles]
1959
01:38:50,852 --> 01:38:52,515
How do I get to Comic-Con?
1960
01:38:52,517 --> 01:38:54,383
This is why I only cast you
in one movie,
1961
01:38:54,385 --> 01:38:56,116
you can't get through a line
without laughing at me.
1962
01:38:56,118 --> 01:38:57,250
[laughing]
1963
01:38:57,252 --> 01:38:59,383
No, but we got to be serious...
This is a serious thing.
1964
01:38:59,385 --> 01:39:01,916
Here we go. And take two.
And action.
1965
01:39:01,918 --> 01:39:03,819
Hey, fella.
How do I get to Comic-Con?
1966
01:39:05,685 --> 01:39:08,882
- Well, then respond.
- Silent Bob.
1967
01:39:08,884 --> 01:39:10,116
Oh, you don't talk?
1968
01:39:10,118 --> 01:39:11,250
[crew laughs in background]
1969
01:39:11,252 --> 01:39:13,449
- That's the smart thing.
- Get the hell out of my scene
1970
01:39:13,451 --> 01:39:14,786
and get me Jay.
1971
01:39:17,950 --> 01:39:21,115
How High is our Bible, man.
Me and Silent Bob modeled
1972
01:39:21,117 --> 01:39:23,815
our whole fucking lives
after Silas and Jamal.
1973
01:39:23,817 --> 01:39:27,815
I'm a smooth pimp who loves
the pussy, and lean n mean here
1974
01:39:27,817 --> 01:39:31,382
is my botanical BFF. What?
Ooh, popcorn playa.
1975
01:39:31,384 --> 01:39:32,750
This affidavit is
from a Hollywood
1976
01:39:32,752 --> 01:39:34,519
- motion picture company.
- Hollywood, Florida?
1977
01:39:35,117 --> 01:39:37,483
Hollywood, California.
1978
01:39:37,485 --> 01:39:38,549
Oh, that one?
1979
01:39:38,551 --> 01:39:40,416
Two tickets to Hollywood.
1980
01:39:40,418 --> 01:39:43,519
- Hollywood, Florida?
- No, Hollywood, California.
1981
01:39:43,951 --> 01:39:44,948
Oh.
1982
01:39:44,950 --> 01:39:46,849
Says here you're supposed to go
to Hollywood?
1983
01:39:46,851 --> 01:39:48,548
You mean Hollywood, Florida?
1984
01:39:48,550 --> 01:39:50,084
No. Hollywood, California.
1985
01:39:50,917 --> 01:39:51,618
[groans]
1986
01:39:52,150 --> 01:39:55,750
Jay and Silent Bob, uh, spent
so much time on themselves
1987
01:39:55,752 --> 01:39:57,115
that they should pay us rent.
1988
01:39:57,117 --> 01:39:59,815
- [Judge Jerry chuckles]
- I knew I'd get you.
1989
01:39:59,817 --> 01:40:01,782
Why are you prosecuting?
You should be a stand-up.
1990
01:40:01,784 --> 01:40:02,916
I have a show this weekend.
1991
01:40:02,918 --> 01:40:04,782
- I'll definitely come out.
- Okay, great. I'm gonna...
1992
01:40:04,784 --> 01:40:06,518
- I'll text you later.
- Can I object?
1993
01:40:07,017 --> 01:40:09,849
Ooh, my daughter, Banner,
she's fighting with Renee
1994
01:40:09,851 --> 01:40:11,815
and keeps sending
the most delicious texts.
1995
01:40:11,817 --> 01:40:14,949
Listen. "Dear Sega Boy."
Snoogans.
1996
01:40:14,951 --> 01:40:17,881
"How am I supposed to grow
as a woman when Mom is always
1997
01:40:17,883 --> 01:40:19,648
standing on my fucking dick?"
1998
01:40:19,650 --> 01:40:22,049
- Wait, your daughter has a dick?
- No.
1999
01:40:22,051 --> 01:40:24,415
But she sure can be one
to her mom and I love it.
2000
01:40:24,417 --> 01:40:27,482
You see, kids, teenagers
are like The Incredible Hulk.
2001
01:40:27,484 --> 01:40:31,049
Normal one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.
2002
01:40:31,051 --> 01:40:33,548
You'll see one day when one
of you guys has a kid.
2003
01:40:33,550 --> 01:40:34,651
Probably the quiet one.
2004
01:40:35,083 --> 01:40:37,651
Shit. No female swipes right
on Groot here.
2005
01:40:38,117 --> 01:40:40,981
And I was always so worried that
I would get a female pregnant.
2006
01:40:40,983 --> 01:40:43,048
When I did have sex,
I'd pull out,
2007
01:40:43,050 --> 01:40:44,982
run to the other side
of the room,
2008
01:40:44,984 --> 01:40:47,516
and I bust a nut
in my jacket pocket,
2009
01:40:47,518 --> 01:40:48,750
just to be safe.
2010
01:40:48,752 --> 01:40:51,783
How High is the greatest
movie ever made.
2011
01:40:51,785 --> 01:40:54,949
Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives after it.
2012
01:40:54,951 --> 01:40:56,149
Okay, wait a minute. Are we...
2013
01:40:56,151 --> 01:40:58,519
Are we talking about the same
How High here? The movie?
2014
01:40:59,484 --> 01:41:00,881
The one we're in?
2015
01:41:00,883 --> 01:41:02,815
Yeah, the one we was in,
goddammit.
2016
01:41:02,817 --> 01:41:05,082
See? I told your black ass
2017
01:41:05,084 --> 01:41:07,818
that How High would age
like a fine Chablis.
2018
01:41:08,417 --> 01:41:11,582
Uh-huh, I'm not a pedophile.
I'm here on the behalf
2019
01:41:11,584 --> 01:41:16,049
of a man you might know,
Mr. J-E-S-E-S, Jesus.
2020
01:41:16,051 --> 01:41:20,483
I'm a Christian vigilante,
they call me the Holy Roller.
2021
01:41:20,485 --> 01:41:22,881
- [laughs]
- Super cool.
2022
01:41:22,883 --> 01:41:24,781
This guy's a fucking idiot.
2023
01:41:24,783 --> 01:41:26,649
Who's been our ally
this entire trip.
2024
01:41:26,651 --> 01:41:27,682
[Milly sighs]
2025
01:41:27,684 --> 01:41:29,319
Especially when he saved
our lives.
2026
01:41:30,617 --> 01:41:32,115
This conversation really
does not pass
2027
01:41:32,117 --> 01:41:33,982
the Bechdel Test right now.
2028
01:41:33,984 --> 01:41:36,948
Holy shit, dude, it's them.
They're here.
2029
01:41:36,950 --> 01:41:39,081
Jersey represent.
2030
01:41:39,083 --> 01:41:41,082
Wait, you don't recognize us?
2031
01:41:41,084 --> 01:41:44,449
You almost beat me up
when I was a kid,
2032
01:41:44,451 --> 01:41:47,752
because I said an unkind word
about Morris Day.
2033
01:41:48,751 --> 01:41:49,948
That's you guys?
2034
01:41:49,950 --> 01:41:51,683
What, do you guys work here
or something?
2035
01:41:51,685 --> 01:41:53,652
Dude, we're the Kush Boys.
2036
01:41:54,384 --> 01:41:56,683
Dude, like, you own
all this stuff.
2037
01:41:56,685 --> 01:41:58,682
Yeah, we took a page
out of your book.
2038
01:41:58,684 --> 01:42:00,148
We stopped buying weed,
2039
01:42:00,150 --> 01:42:02,149
started selling that shit
instead.
2040
01:42:02,151 --> 01:42:04,683
Hey, thanks to you guys,
we are financially thriving
2041
01:42:04,685 --> 01:42:07,748
- in the cannabis space.
- We're weed millionaires.
2042
01:42:07,750 --> 01:42:09,351
So that means we get
some free weed?
2043
01:42:09,917 --> 01:42:12,982
- Fuck, no.
- No, that will be 200 bucks.
2044
01:42:12,984 --> 01:42:14,418
Dude, I've always
wanted to do this.
2045
01:42:14,850 --> 01:42:17,483
"Two hundred bucks, little man."
2046
01:42:17,485 --> 01:42:19,552
"Put that shit in our hands."
2047
01:42:20,384 --> 01:42:21,384
Fair enough.
2048
01:42:23,551 --> 01:42:25,382
Dude, there is more lens flare
2049
01:42:25,384 --> 01:42:27,781
than a J.J. Abrams movie
in here.
2050
01:42:27,783 --> 01:42:29,651
I hate all of these fuckers.
2051
01:42:30,917 --> 01:42:31,918
Hi.
2052
01:42:32,417 --> 01:42:35,416
Um, can my friends and I
cut the line?
2053
01:42:35,418 --> 01:42:37,418
- Fuck no.
- Yeah, what she said.
2054
01:42:38,784 --> 01:42:39,785
Happy Chronic-Con.
2055
01:42:40,351 --> 01:42:42,516
How's The Walking Dead
gonna end?
2056
01:42:42,518 --> 01:42:45,683
Oh, um,
Carol actually eats Daryl?
2057
01:42:45,685 --> 01:42:49,483
Fuck. No...
Carol turns into a walker?
2058
01:42:49,485 --> 01:42:51,951
Uh, no. She just eats Daryl.
2059
01:42:52,418 --> 01:42:54,148
Oh, fuck. Uh, spoilers,
2060
01:42:54,150 --> 01:42:55,615
I'm really sorry about that one.
2061
01:42:55,617 --> 01:42:58,949
[screams] Fuck!
What the fuck was that for?
2062
01:42:58,951 --> 01:43:01,082
That's for killing
Glenn and Carl!
2063
01:43:01,084 --> 01:43:02,885
Oh, fuck. Fair enough.
2064
01:43:03,385 --> 01:43:05,715
This reboot is doomed, man.
2065
01:43:05,717 --> 01:43:06,582
Maybe it would've
had a chance
2066
01:43:06,584 --> 01:43:07,781
if they got Kevin Smith
from the '90s,
2067
01:43:07,783 --> 01:43:10,351
back when he had the juice
to get Affleck in his movies.
2068
01:43:10,817 --> 01:43:13,615
Ew, wait. Didn't he make
that Jersey Girl movie?
2069
01:43:13,617 --> 01:43:14,948
Yeah, I wasn't a fan,
2070
01:43:14,950 --> 01:43:17,949
but Affleck was the bomb
as Batman, yo.
2071
01:43:17,951 --> 01:43:21,116
Word, bitch! Bat-fleck
like a motherfucker!
2072
01:43:21,118 --> 01:43:23,082
Ah ha! What's up now?
2073
01:43:23,084 --> 01:43:25,452
- [beeps]
- [whirring]
2074
01:43:26,652 --> 01:43:29,648
Oh, hello again. Still just
a hologram, same rules apply.
2075
01:43:29,650 --> 01:43:31,383
Don't fucking touch me.
Now, if you're looking
2076
01:43:31,385 --> 01:43:33,616
for the Bluntman v Chronic
shoot, go left.
2077
01:43:33,618 --> 01:43:36,382
But if you're looking for, uh,
I don't know, some version
2078
01:43:36,384 --> 01:43:39,549
of completing your character
arc and becoming the superdad
2079
01:43:39,551 --> 01:43:41,814
that your daughter never really
knew she had, go right.
2080
01:43:41,816 --> 01:43:44,949
If I was in this movie, um,
I know which way I'd go.
2081
01:43:44,951 --> 01:43:45,983
Straight out the door.
[chuckles]
2082
01:43:45,985 --> 01:43:47,848
Let's be honest,
I wouldn't be in this movie,
2083
01:43:47,850 --> 01:43:49,482
I'd never be in
this fucking movie.
2084
01:43:49,484 --> 01:43:50,948
I got, like, 37 franchises
2085
01:43:50,950 --> 01:43:52,848
and honestly, I don't really
need another one.
2086
01:43:52,850 --> 01:43:56,618
Anyway, dishes are done, man.
Here we go, bye-bye. Peace.
2087
01:43:57,649 --> 01:43:59,017
Where do you think you're going?
2088
01:44:00,684 --> 01:44:02,383
Yo, we got badges now.
2089
01:44:02,385 --> 01:44:05,081
"We have badges." Stop
butchering the English language.
2090
01:44:05,083 --> 01:44:07,914
And I don't care.
You're getting the bum's rush.
2091
01:44:07,916 --> 01:44:10,848
Wait. Are you a chocolate fan?
2092
01:44:10,850 --> 01:44:13,515
Not that it'll change
your fortunes one iota,
2093
01:44:13,517 --> 01:44:17,681
but since I'm not a Nazi robot,
yes, I like chocolate.
2094
01:44:17,683 --> 01:44:21,618
Well, this is the best chocolate
in the whole wide world.
2095
01:44:22,084 --> 01:44:23,585
Bullshit.
2096
01:44:25,117 --> 01:44:26,351
Give me that.
2097
01:44:29,150 --> 01:44:30,585
Punch, edible's...
2098
01:44:32,649 --> 01:44:33,815
[Kevin Smith] Holy fucking shit.
2099
01:44:33,817 --> 01:44:35,048
Where did these people
come from?
2100
01:44:35,050 --> 01:44:37,383
Hey, kids! What the fuck
is going on here?
2101
01:44:37,385 --> 01:44:38,681
They're the contest winners.
2102
01:44:38,683 --> 01:44:40,483
Their prize is a walk-on
in the movie.
2103
01:44:40,485 --> 01:44:42,383
- This movie?
- Yeah.
2104
01:44:42,385 --> 01:44:43,981
They should have held out
for a way better movie,
2105
01:44:43,983 --> 01:44:45,081
- am I right?
- I totally agree.
2106
01:44:45,083 --> 01:44:46,182
Man, fuck you.
2107
01:44:46,184 --> 01:44:50,014
Hey, kids! Man, I'm gonna find
a way to get you all
2108
01:44:50,016 --> 01:44:53,748
into an uncuttable cameo
in the movie, man.
2109
01:44:53,750 --> 01:44:55,781
All right. Emily, fuck off!
We're trying to take a picture.
2110
01:44:55,783 --> 01:44:58,917
All right, kids. All smiles,
big, wide eyes. Here we go.
2111
01:45:03,984 --> 01:45:05,651
Excuse me. Hey, kid!
2112
01:45:06,750 --> 01:45:08,415
You ruined
my fucking movie career,
2113
01:45:08,417 --> 01:45:09,882
- you know that?
- Um, I've seen
2114
01:45:09,884 --> 01:45:11,116
your flicks, Smitticles.
2115
01:45:11,118 --> 01:45:12,982
You killed
your own movie career.
2116
01:45:12,984 --> 01:45:15,419
Oh, my God, you little monster.
Who raised you?
2117
01:45:18,951 --> 01:45:21,416
[cheering]
2118
01:45:21,418 --> 01:45:22,918
I'm so done with Kevin Smith.
2119
01:45:26,051 --> 01:45:27,052
[man] Fuck.
2120
01:45:28,050 --> 01:45:29,948
Oh, you see that guy over there?
2121
01:45:29,950 --> 01:45:32,914
For 25 years, we've been coming
here every night
2122
01:45:32,916 --> 01:45:34,418
and putting gum in the locks.
162734
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.