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1
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This is a nightmare. How do I look?
2
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Like a rhino that's been to SpecSavers.
3
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Is she here yet?
4
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Yes, but don't worry, your personality'll repel her
5
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long before she notices the hair.
6
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Please do me a favour - stall her.
7
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Just for five minutes while I sort this out, OK?
8
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No problem.
9
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Hi. Daniel said to come straight in.
10
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Hi. How are you?
11
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Wow! What happened?
12
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- You've seen Something About Mary?
- Yeah...
13
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- That. But with an un-neutered tom cat.
- Oh.
14
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Yeah. Anyway, how is the...?
15
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Dog?
16
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Yes, got that bit.
17
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I can't remember if it's a boy or a girl.
18
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I can draw you a diagram...
19
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No, don't take the fun out of it - I want to see what I can remember.
20
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Right...it's 50/50, isn't it?
21
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- Boy?
- Is the right answer! - BUZZER
22
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Oh, now I see them.
23
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'Testing, testing. Message to the pointy-headed prat.
24
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'This is Death Warrior. The guy from the needle bank's here.
25
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'Could you give me the approximate co-ordinates of the sharps, please? Over.'
26
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This is the pointy-headed prat, your employer, calling bearded bastard.
27
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Saying that the needle bank is exactly where it always is, by the door in the plastic bin.
28
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Sorry, that's Daniel.
29
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Take cretin, times it by pillock, add an ounce of dopey and that's him for you.
30
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'10-4. Heard that. You forgot to turn the intercom off. Over.'
31
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Oh!
32
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OK, so, how's he doing?
33
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He's pretty stiff, actually. He's still having trouble walking.
34
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Tell you what, rest him up, and come back in a few days and we'll see how he's doing.
35
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Here?
36
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Yes. Why?
37
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I was thinking he might benefit from having his consultations
38
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in a more...relaxed environment.
39
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Say, in...in...in...the evening?
40
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- Yes.
- I'm actually better in half-light. So, works for me.
41
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Preferably somewhere that serves cocktails.
42
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He loves a cocktail.
43
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Well, what dog doesn't like to just kick back with a pina colada?
44
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I'm trying to think of some dog-based cocktail puns now.
45
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Jack Spaniels and Coke?
46
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Technically a spirit and a mixer, but I will let you off that.
47
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Well, I'll give you a call tomorrow and we'll arrange.
48
00:02:33,764 --> 00:02:35,604
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
49
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:40,924
Oh, and next time maybe you could make more of an effort with your outfit.
50
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The least I expect is a white coat and a pair of latex gloves.
51
00:02:48,764 --> 00:02:50,244
- See you.
- Bye.
52
00:02:55,204 --> 00:02:57,964
Daniel, I need you to get me a surgical gown, scrub suit,
53
00:02:57,964 --> 00:03:01,564
theatre clogs, rubber mask, stethoscope and anti-microbial waders.
54
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And make them...sexy.
55
00:03:03,604 --> 00:03:07,884
OK, I'm just going to go on a tea break. So if you can just handle the consults. I'll be back in about 15.
56
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Go on, you can cover for me.
57
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No.
58
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What do you mean, "No"?!
59
00:03:12,204 --> 00:03:16,524
I'm incompetent, remember? Tosspot multiplied by imbecile
60
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to the power of moron squared.
61
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That's logged, that is. I won't forget that.
62
00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:26,364
Well, that was a joke, because obviously, you're a great person and a brilliant vet and I...
63
00:03:26,364 --> 00:03:28,124
I'm not up to the job, am I? Remember?
64
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Oh, come on, Daniel, don't leave me to do this! I don't know what I'm doing!
65
00:03:31,604 --> 00:03:34,004
I mean...I pop Demerol during consults.
66
00:03:34,004 --> 00:03:35,964
I laugh at bald cats.
67
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I once played keepy-uppy with an anaesthetised hedgehog!
68
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And the next patient, please.
69
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:51,364
Good news is you've fast-tracked after that, um, hedgehog situation.
70
00:03:53,844 --> 00:03:55,604
OK, Julia, if you'd like to take a seat.
71
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Oh!
72
00:03:58,244 --> 00:04:00,964
- That is so lovely.
- Really?
73
00:04:02,244 --> 00:04:05,444
- Is it an original?
- No, I got it at a car boot.
74
00:04:05,444 --> 00:04:09,484
Just gives me something fun to look at when I'm redirecting a chinchilla's colon.
75
00:04:09,484 --> 00:04:11,204
Oh!
76
00:04:11,204 --> 00:04:14,404
Come on! You've obviously got an eye.
77
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I don't think anyone has ever said that before!
78
00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:18,764
It really lifts the place!
79
00:04:18,764 --> 00:04:21,284
Anyway - you! How can I help you?
80
00:04:22,444 --> 00:04:25,124
Actually, Sara, it's quite sensitive.
81
00:04:26,564 --> 00:04:27,764
I'm getting divorced.
82
00:04:27,764 --> 00:04:30,084
It's been very upsetting.
83
00:04:30,084 --> 00:04:33,404
I don't know if you've ever been married, but the pain is...
84
00:04:33,404 --> 00:04:36,364
absolutely overwhelming. And now I have...
85
00:04:36,364 --> 00:04:38,484
- BUZZER
- 'Apologies. Emergency.
86
00:04:38,484 --> 00:04:40,244
- 'Do we see chickens?'
- Excuse me.
87
00:04:40,244 --> 00:04:41,844
'Only there's one been brought in,
88
00:04:41,844 --> 00:04:44,924
'and from the injuries, it looks like it's been trying to cross a...'
89
00:04:48,764 --> 00:04:51,844
I think we've sorted that problem. OK. Right, you were saying...?
90
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:56,164
Well, I suppose things haven't been right for a while.
91
00:04:56,164 --> 00:04:58,324
I guess we stayed together for Rufus.
92
00:04:58,324 --> 00:05:00,004
And now John wants to move on.
93
00:05:00,004 --> 00:05:02,044
You do know this is a vet's?
94
00:05:02,044 --> 00:05:03,444
Yeah.
95
00:05:03,444 --> 00:05:05,444
However much I'd like to and you'd like to,
96
00:05:05,444 --> 00:05:09,124
I am not actually legally allowed to neuter your husband.
97
00:05:12,244 --> 00:05:14,284
Well, I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
98
00:05:15,364 --> 00:05:16,764
So am I. I'm very busy!
99
00:05:16,764 --> 00:05:19,204
THEY LAUGH
100
00:05:20,364 --> 00:05:22,604
God, no, I'm rambling, sorry.
101
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Rufus is our dog.
102
00:05:23,884 --> 00:05:25,044
I see.
103
00:05:25,044 --> 00:05:26,564
He's all I've got left now.
104
00:05:27,684 --> 00:05:30,324
And I'm worried John is going to take him from me, Sara!
105
00:05:30,324 --> 00:05:32,164
Oh, God!
106
00:05:33,604 --> 00:05:36,644
- SOBS:
- He's taking me to court for custody!
107
00:05:38,324 --> 00:05:40,204
He won't stop until I have nothing!
108
00:05:44,284 --> 00:05:47,844
Did you have any sort of provision in place? Any kind of...
109
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pre-pup?
110
00:05:49,604 --> 00:05:51,364
Pup-nup?
111
00:05:51,364 --> 00:05:54,084
No, God, nothing like that.
112
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,444
John's got another woman in his life.
113
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I don't know why he won't let me keep my lovely boy!
114
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,604
All right, listen. So what can I do?
115
00:06:07,364 --> 00:06:08,644
They say you're the best.
116
00:06:08,644 --> 00:06:10,404
Do they? Who says that?
117
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,804
My friend Tara.
118
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:17,364
- She said when she got divorced, you fought tooth and nail for her to keep her Rioja.
- Rioja?
119
00:06:17,364 --> 00:06:18,724
Her lizard.
120
00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:21,644
Dry skin? Bulging eyes.
121
00:06:21,644 --> 00:06:22,684
Oh, THAT Tara!
122
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Her lizard, Rioja.
123
00:06:26,404 --> 00:06:28,884
Oh, THAT lizard! Yes.
124
00:06:28,884 --> 00:06:32,644
I just need someone to act as an expert witness on my behalf.
125
00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:35,204
All you'd need to do is come round to the house,
126
00:06:35,204 --> 00:06:37,964
do a behavioural study on little Rufus,
127
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:40,644
just to confirm he's more bonded to me.
128
00:06:40,644 --> 00:06:42,524
What I'm going to do is get a form, OK,
129
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and then we'll fill that out and get some more details.
130
00:06:45,324 --> 00:06:46,644
Thank you.
131
00:06:46,644 --> 00:06:48,284
Thank you!
132
00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:52,724
You know I do like your hair, Sara.
133
00:06:53,764 --> 00:06:55,764
I can't get mine to lift like that.
134
00:06:55,764 --> 00:06:57,604
What product do you use?
135
00:07:03,444 --> 00:07:06,604
You two look like you're in a menopausal version of the Dukes of Hazzard!
136
00:07:06,604 --> 00:07:10,244
You should be grateful that one of us has actually passed their test.
137
00:07:10,244 --> 00:07:14,444
Now, that's not fair. I wasn't expecting that clipboard to go down like that, and I panicked.
138
00:07:14,444 --> 00:07:16,964
You accelerated into a library. Fail.
139
00:07:17,964 --> 00:07:19,844
- Have you finished with that?
- No.
140
00:07:19,844 --> 00:07:21,324
I like eating it to the core,
141
00:07:21,324 --> 00:07:24,844
leaving it in the open air, and then playing Apple Tanning Salon.
142
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:31,364
- How long does that take?
- Depends on apple size, wind direction...
143
00:07:32,844 --> 00:07:34,404
- What are you doing?
- What's today?
144
00:07:34,404 --> 00:07:35,684
Friday.
145
00:07:35,684 --> 00:07:36,964
Yeah. Friday is...?
146
00:07:36,964 --> 00:07:40,164
The day before the night that's all right for fighting?
147
00:07:40,164 --> 00:07:43,444
It's the day you're supposed to go for life coaching with Toria, remember?
148
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You were supposed to go on Monday, but you cancelled. I wouldn't mind, but we paid a lot of money for this.
149
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I haven't paid anything yet.
150
00:07:49,484 --> 00:07:52,524
Justine, just be quiet and watch your apple go brown.
151
00:07:53,564 --> 00:07:56,324
- What's wrong with him?
- He's in a very bad mood.
152
00:07:56,324 --> 00:07:59,604
Some posh woman has been winding him up at work.
153
00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:00,844
Vile little Sloane.
154
00:08:00,844 --> 00:08:04,004
I mean, who cares about the exact dimensions of a shoe cupboard?
155
00:08:04,004 --> 00:08:05,644
- You?
- No. - Yeah.
156
00:08:05,644 --> 00:08:09,284
- No.
- Yes! - Anyway, you'd love her.
157
00:08:09,284 --> 00:08:11,724
Come on, you adore those rich girls.
158
00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:14,164
- You're scared of them, but they excite you.
- Rubbish.
159
00:08:14,164 --> 00:08:16,324
- You're desperate to be in their gang.
- Rubbish!
160
00:08:16,324 --> 00:08:18,204
Anyway, we're wasting time - get in.
161
00:08:18,204 --> 00:08:20,204
You won't go and see Toria on your own, fine.
162
00:08:20,204 --> 00:08:22,244
I shall have to treat you like a child. Get in!
163
00:08:22,244 --> 00:08:24,404
I don't want to go!
164
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:25,604
Are we nearly there yet?
165
00:08:29,084 --> 00:08:30,124
Now, listen.
166
00:08:30,124 --> 00:08:33,404
You have got five weeks before you need to come out to your parents,
167
00:08:33,404 --> 00:08:36,044
so we better crack on. Now, a few things about me first.
168
00:08:37,164 --> 00:08:39,004
I'm 42, GSOH,
169
00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:40,164
non-smoker,
170
00:08:40,164 --> 00:08:42,764
and I'm looking for a once-a-week, no-strings hook-up.
171
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SHE GUFFAWS
172
00:08:45,204 --> 00:08:47,084
Are you like this with all your clients?
173
00:08:47,084 --> 00:08:49,484
Oh, absolutely! Absolutely.
174
00:08:49,484 --> 00:08:52,644
What you need to know is that I'm not a life coach.
175
00:08:52,644 --> 00:08:55,084
I'm a personal development leader.
176
00:08:55,084 --> 00:08:59,284
I've got six degrees, and before you ask, only five of them are from the internet.
177
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SHE GUFFAWS
178
00:09:01,204 --> 00:09:04,604
And I've developed a program - AHEL. A-HEL.
179
00:09:04,604 --> 00:09:06,284
A-HEL. Right.
180
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:09,204
Acceptance, health, encouragement, learning.
181
00:09:09,204 --> 00:09:13,124
Do you think that acronym would work better if it was HEAL?
182
00:09:13,124 --> 00:09:16,364
Health through encouragement, acceptance and learn...
183
00:09:16,364 --> 00:09:18,164
That is absolutely wonderful!
184
00:09:18,164 --> 00:09:21,764
Do you know it spells "heal"? I'll have that if I may. Yes?
185
00:09:21,764 --> 00:09:23,324
By all means.
186
00:09:23,324 --> 00:09:24,684
BOTH GUFFAW
187
00:09:26,324 --> 00:09:28,604
Now, I work through a variety of mediums.
188
00:09:28,604 --> 00:09:30,124
A dollop of Jung,
189
00:09:30,124 --> 00:09:34,244
a splash of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a touch of Shamanism
190
00:09:34,244 --> 00:09:35,524
and some hypnosis.
191
00:09:35,524 --> 00:09:38,084
Hypnosis?! Oh, you can't be serious.
192
00:09:38,084 --> 00:09:41,924
It's very, very effective. Gets you nice deep and relaxed.
193
00:09:41,924 --> 00:09:45,364
First patient I hypnotised - terrible phobia.
194
00:09:45,364 --> 00:09:46,404
Of what?
195
00:09:46,404 --> 00:09:47,444
Paul McKenna.
196
00:09:50,404 --> 00:09:53,964
Now, I thought we might do some suggestion work today.
197
00:09:53,964 --> 00:09:55,884
So, if you just shut your eyes.
198
00:09:55,884 --> 00:09:57,484
Right.
199
00:09:57,484 --> 00:09:59,724
You are feeling sleepy.
200
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,604
Isn't that what got Snow White nicked?
201
00:10:02,764 --> 00:10:04,844
Just relax your toes into the carpet.
202
00:10:05,964 --> 00:10:08,924
Through your feet...feeling heavy.
203
00:10:08,924 --> 00:10:10,444
Up through the ankles,
204
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:11,884
Heavy and relaxed.
205
00:10:11,884 --> 00:10:13,764
So...
206
00:10:13,764 --> 00:10:16,124
JUSTINE HUMS "The Birdie Song"
207
00:10:16,124 --> 00:10:17,324
CLAPS
208
00:10:18,724 --> 00:10:21,044
What's happened to her? What have you done to her?!
209
00:10:21,044 --> 00:10:22,364
Nothing.
210
00:10:22,364 --> 00:10:24,684
"The Birdie Song" PLAYS
211
00:10:26,404 --> 00:10:28,604
She must have had some stage hypnosis in the past.
212
00:10:28,604 --> 00:10:29,924
It hasn't left her system.
213
00:10:29,924 --> 00:10:32,164
I don't know what the trigger is! I can't stop her!
214
00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:35,564
Are you telling me she could be doing The Birdie Song for the foreseeable future?!
215
00:10:35,564 --> 00:10:37,844
If they haven't set her on shuffle, yes!
216
00:10:37,844 --> 00:10:40,244
TORIA GUFFAWS
217
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,284
That's the routine.
218
00:10:45,284 --> 00:10:47,884
I live pretty simply now I'm in recovery.
219
00:10:47,884 --> 00:10:49,684
But you know...
220
00:10:49,684 --> 00:10:51,644
We muddle along.
221
00:10:51,644 --> 00:10:54,644
I'm sorry. I just...I had no idea.
222
00:10:54,644 --> 00:10:56,004
Yeah.
223
00:10:57,364 --> 00:10:58,764
So, what now?
224
00:10:58,764 --> 00:11:02,084
Now I just write up the report and we'll go from there, basically.
225
00:11:02,084 --> 00:11:03,324
But, um...
226
00:11:03,324 --> 00:11:07,204
It's pretty obvious that Rufus is very devoted to you.
227
00:11:08,364 --> 00:11:10,044
He's my whole world.
228
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,324
That boy's my whole world, Sara.
229
00:11:15,484 --> 00:11:16,764
Thank you.
230
00:11:20,564 --> 00:11:21,764
Is that an original?
231
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,924
My friend bought it for me.
232
00:11:23,924 --> 00:11:26,084
He's in the film business.
233
00:11:26,084 --> 00:11:27,364
Oh, really?
234
00:11:27,364 --> 00:11:29,244
Yes. Kip.
235
00:11:29,244 --> 00:11:30,884
Kip...?
236
00:11:30,884 --> 00:11:32,564
Schwitzendorf.
237
00:11:32,564 --> 00:11:33,764
Ooh!
238
00:11:33,764 --> 00:11:34,884
Ahhh!
239
00:11:36,004 --> 00:11:37,324
Don't know him.
240
00:11:37,324 --> 00:11:38,604
Oh! Um...
241
00:11:38,604 --> 00:11:40,524
Dutch Kung Fu champion?
242
00:11:40,524 --> 00:11:41,484
No?
243
00:11:41,484 --> 00:11:42,724
He was in Raw Meat.
244
00:11:43,764 --> 00:11:44,924
The Purge?
245
00:11:44,924 --> 00:11:46,284
The Assassinator?
246
00:11:46,284 --> 00:11:47,484
Oh!
247
00:11:47,484 --> 00:11:49,004
The...Assassinator?
248
00:11:49,004 --> 00:11:50,044
Yes!
249
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:52,484
He's over to promote his new action movie.
250
00:11:52,484 --> 00:11:54,084
Hey!
251
00:11:54,084 --> 00:11:57,404
Why don't you and your friends come along to his drinks night?
252
00:11:57,404 --> 00:12:02,324
Oh, say yes, Sara! It's the least I can do to thank you for your time.
253
00:12:02,324 --> 00:12:04,484
Well, that would be amazing! Thank you.
254
00:12:04,484 --> 00:12:06,044
Listen...
255
00:12:06,044 --> 00:12:08,324
Don't panic if you see John out there.
256
00:12:08,324 --> 00:12:11,044
He's come round to pick up his stuff from the garage.
257
00:12:11,044 --> 00:12:16,004
- I really hope he's not going to be horrid.
- Don't worry, I am going to channel some of Kip's moves.
258
00:12:19,924 --> 00:12:20,964
Oh!
259
00:12:20,964 --> 00:12:23,724
Oh, God, Sara, I am so sorry. Right in the cabbage!
260
00:12:28,484 --> 00:12:29,524
Bye.
261
00:12:31,044 --> 00:12:32,124
All right.
262
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,764
No, it's not too much.
263
00:12:34,764 --> 00:12:37,204
I love you, so nothing's too much.
264
00:12:40,604 --> 00:12:42,604
Yeah, I'll be round as soon as I can.
265
00:12:42,604 --> 00:12:43,844
M'lud...
266
00:12:43,844 --> 00:12:45,964
M'lady...
267
00:12:45,964 --> 00:12:48,004
and M'jury...
268
00:12:49,284 --> 00:12:52,564
In my professional opinion,
269
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:55,484
this canis lupus...
270
00:12:57,484 --> 00:12:58,964
Lupus, not lucid...
271
00:13:00,284 --> 00:13:02,404
Why are you auto-correcting that?! Lupus!
272
00:13:02,404 --> 00:13:05,204
"Canis pubis" isn't a word, right?
273
00:13:07,164 --> 00:13:11,444
This dog would be best suited to residing
274
00:13:11,444 --> 00:13:14,684
with Mrs Julia...
275
00:13:14,684 --> 00:13:16,164
BUZZER
276
00:13:20,804 --> 00:13:23,644
- 'Hi. Your carriage awaits.'
- You're early.
277
00:13:23,644 --> 00:13:26,044
'Yes, well, I thought I could clean your bath.'
278
00:13:26,044 --> 00:13:27,564
Victory!
279
00:13:27,564 --> 00:13:29,804
'Is that terrapin still in it?'
280
00:13:29,804 --> 00:13:32,364
Oh, God, well remembered. Listen, come up.
281
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,764
I think we are third in the league.
282
00:13:36,764 --> 00:13:40,804
Which means, if we win today, and Harriers lose, then we get to be runners up. I think.
283
00:13:40,804 --> 00:13:42,764
I'm not really interested in the scores.
284
00:13:42,764 --> 00:13:45,284
I only watch it because I like the squeak the trainers make.
285
00:13:45,284 --> 00:13:47,324
- Why are you wearing that gear?
- Why are you not?
286
00:13:47,324 --> 00:13:48,804
Did you not get the email?
287
00:13:48,804 --> 00:13:52,084
Oh, sorry, Justine. To be honest, I haven't read your emails for months.
288
00:13:52,084 --> 00:13:53,284
Why not?
289
00:13:53,284 --> 00:13:55,804
CACOPHONY OF ELECTRONIC MEOWING
290
00:13:58,484 --> 00:13:59,804
No reason.
291
00:13:59,804 --> 00:14:01,244
The other team pulled out.
292
00:14:01,244 --> 00:14:03,404
Both their goal attacks got a stomach bug.
293
00:14:03,404 --> 00:14:06,124
Daniel suggested we go on a team-bonding trip.
294
00:14:06,124 --> 00:14:07,964
Daniel? Why's he involved?
295
00:14:07,964 --> 00:14:12,044
I don't know, but whatever it is, he's taking it very seriously.
296
00:14:15,524 --> 00:14:16,804
OK!
297
00:14:16,804 --> 00:14:18,684
Listen up, soldiers.
298
00:14:19,924 --> 00:14:22,244
You've been put into two different teams.
299
00:14:23,444 --> 00:14:26,564
Your task is to capture your opponent's flag,
300
00:14:26,564 --> 00:14:28,404
whilst protecting your own.
301
00:14:28,404 --> 00:14:30,164
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
302
00:14:30,164 --> 00:14:31,764
ALL: YES, SIR!
303
00:14:31,764 --> 00:14:34,604
There is no way I am wearing a camouflage boiler suit.
304
00:14:34,604 --> 00:14:36,844
Well, I can swap you with my netball kit, if you want?
305
00:14:36,844 --> 00:14:39,884
First team to wipe out the other team wins.
306
00:14:39,884 --> 00:14:41,764
He's not a real soldier.
307
00:14:41,764 --> 00:14:43,124
You load your gun...
308
00:14:44,324 --> 00:14:45,484
..like so.
309
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:48,724
For starters, look at his shoes. They're not properly shined.
310
00:14:48,724 --> 00:14:50,684
And the way he's holding that weapon -
311
00:14:50,684 --> 00:14:52,604
I don't think he's seen any real combat.
312
00:14:52,604 --> 00:14:55,204
Shut up! I'm trying to listen to the safety briefing.
313
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:57,764
I need to know if I'm taking orders from the real deal here.
314
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,924
OK. Any questions?
315
00:15:01,004 --> 00:15:03,164
Yes. Will it be this muddy out on the field?
316
00:15:03,164 --> 00:15:06,884
There's mud everywhere, metrosexual. Now let's get to it!
317
00:15:08,284 --> 00:15:11,324
Lock and load, you urban muffins!
318
00:15:11,324 --> 00:15:13,124
HE ROARS
319
00:15:13,124 --> 00:15:15,284
ALL: Aaaaaarghhh!
320
00:15:15,284 --> 00:15:16,684
Aaaaaarghhh!
321
00:15:16,684 --> 00:15:18,644
Aaaaaarghhh!
322
00:15:18,644 --> 00:15:20,444
Aaaaaarghhh!
323
00:15:20,444 --> 00:15:21,724
Aaargh...
324
00:15:21,724 --> 00:15:23,804
Why are we going "Aaaaaarghhh"?
325
00:15:23,804 --> 00:15:25,644
I was copying Daniel.
326
00:15:25,644 --> 00:15:28,724
We need to have our own battle cry.
327
00:15:28,724 --> 00:15:32,244
Wooooohooooo!
328
00:15:32,244 --> 00:15:34,924
Wooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooo-oooh!
329
00:15:36,164 --> 00:15:37,804
Maybe not that. Um...
330
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,564
What the hell!
331
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:41,924
ALL: Wooooohooooo!
332
00:16:13,644 --> 00:16:16,124
- Who's left?
- Just you and me.
333
00:16:16,124 --> 00:16:18,644
What? Where's Stacey?
334
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,324
- No, she...
- Not another misfire?
335
00:16:21,324 --> 00:16:24,644
- Yeah, I'm sorry! I just don't know how to work this thing.
- Easy, easy!
336
00:16:24,644 --> 00:16:26,004
GUNSHOT
337
00:16:27,164 --> 00:16:31,084
- Right, I think they've just got Jamie and Daniel left and that's it.
- No, they could be anywhere.
338
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:35,124
I think I'm going to sit out the rest of this goddamn war!
339
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,684
You bet.
340
00:16:36,684 --> 00:16:37,724
Phew!
341
00:16:37,724 --> 00:16:39,164
I've got biscuits.
342
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,964
- Ooh!
- Do you want one?
343
00:16:47,204 --> 00:16:49,244
How much do you know about action movies?
344
00:16:49,244 --> 00:16:52,124
- Everything.
- Yeah? - I love them. Test me.
345
00:16:52,124 --> 00:16:53,764
Do you know some guy called Kip?
346
00:16:53,764 --> 00:16:56,044
- Kip Schwitzendorf?
- Yeah.
347
00:16:56,044 --> 00:16:57,324
Oh, my God!
348
00:16:57,324 --> 00:16:58,724
He's my favourite!
349
00:16:58,724 --> 00:17:00,324
I'd never heard of him.
350
00:17:00,324 --> 00:17:05,004
Are you mad?! Tank Baby? Dark Crevice? The Assassinator?
351
00:17:05,004 --> 00:17:08,284
Yes, well, I know that now, cos I looked him up. He did Blow Off...
352
00:17:08,284 --> 00:17:10,924
Massive Metal Trousers...
353
00:17:10,924 --> 00:17:13,004
- Infinite Overkill.
- Yeah.
354
00:17:13,004 --> 00:17:14,164
Oh, and my favourite...
355
00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:16,044
Busy Fist.
356
00:17:16,044 --> 00:17:17,684
Welcome to the fist!
357
00:17:17,684 --> 00:17:18,844
Busy Fist 2.
358
00:17:18,844 --> 00:17:20,324
This fist just got busier!
359
00:17:20,324 --> 00:17:21,724
Busy Fist 3.
360
00:17:21,724 --> 00:17:23,044
Same crew...
361
00:17:23,044 --> 00:17:24,564
BOTH: Even more fisty!
362
00:17:26,684 --> 00:17:28,484
How would you like to meet him?
363
00:17:28,484 --> 00:17:32,124
Stop messing around. If you're messing around, I will kill you.
364
00:17:32,124 --> 00:17:35,524
- Lower your weapon, soldier. I kid you not.
- Aaah!
365
00:17:35,524 --> 00:17:38,124
This mud! I would never have worn these trousers.
366
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:40,484
Like blotting paper. Couldn't we have done this...?
367
00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:43,484
Shall I put him out of his misery or do you want to?
368
00:17:43,484 --> 00:17:47,204
There are so many state-of-the-art playing surfaces that...
369
00:17:47,204 --> 00:17:49,724
Oh, no! No, no, no. Please.
370
00:17:49,724 --> 00:17:52,884
For God's sake, this is a cashmere mix! No!
371
00:17:52,884 --> 00:17:54,644
Have some... Oh, God!
372
00:18:06,444 --> 00:18:07,604
You...
373
00:18:07,604 --> 00:18:09,404
bastards.
374
00:18:10,804 --> 00:18:12,284
GUNSHOT
375
00:18:19,124 --> 00:18:20,364
Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
376
00:18:22,924 --> 00:18:26,564
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
377
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:30,164
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
378
00:18:30,164 --> 00:18:32,804
SHE INHALES DEEPLY
379
00:18:32,804 --> 00:18:36,484
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
380
00:18:36,484 --> 00:18:38,124
SHE COUGHS
381
00:18:39,844 --> 00:18:41,604
You all right? Right!
382
00:18:41,604 --> 00:18:43,604
Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!
383
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:53,044
Come on, just do it! Paint me.
384
00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:56,204
Consider yourself redecorated.
385
00:18:58,404 --> 00:19:01,084
I don't know. I was face down in the mud, remember?
386
00:19:01,084 --> 00:19:03,004
Contemplating my dry cleaning bill.
387
00:19:03,004 --> 00:19:05,324
One minute she was fine, the next, crazy.
388
00:19:05,324 --> 00:19:08,284
It's the shock of being shot. I don't know.
389
00:19:08,284 --> 00:19:09,964
I just want it to stop!
390
00:19:09,964 --> 00:19:12,164
SHE HUMS "The Birdie Song"
391
00:19:14,964 --> 00:19:20,044
- What do we do?
- Well...we just need to, um...find the trigger.
392
00:19:20,044 --> 00:19:22,524
- What trigger?
- Fire words at her, see if one of them works.
393
00:19:22,524 --> 00:19:24,364
Meringue. Giblets.
394
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:25,924
Jeremy Hunt.
395
00:19:25,924 --> 00:19:29,124
Trouser. Radiator. Atlantic.
396
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:30,404
Meerkat.
397
00:19:30,404 --> 00:19:31,764
Genital cuff.
398
00:19:32,924 --> 00:19:34,484
HORN TOOTS
399
00:19:35,964 --> 00:19:37,084
Sara!
400
00:19:38,364 --> 00:19:40,764
- Hi!
- You OK? You've been in a fight?
401
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,484
Oh, this?
402
00:19:42,484 --> 00:19:46,164
No, I, um... Just been throwing around a few paint swatches with some friends.
403
00:19:46,164 --> 00:19:49,404
You know interior design types - they can get very heated.
404
00:19:49,404 --> 00:19:53,404
I was dropping your invite round. Hey, I'm off shopping. Fancy joining?
405
00:19:53,404 --> 00:19:57,804
Yeah, I'd love to! That would, um... Yeah.
406
00:19:57,804 --> 00:19:59,084
Hop in!
407
00:20:06,484 --> 00:20:09,484
That was fun - I'd love to do it again sometime.
408
00:20:09,484 --> 00:20:11,324
Yeah, me too.
409
00:20:13,324 --> 00:20:15,324
I...got you something.
410
00:20:15,324 --> 00:20:18,884
Just to say thank you, you know, for everything.
411
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,644
Really, you shouldn't have!
412
00:20:23,684 --> 00:20:25,604
SARA ROARS
413
00:20:25,604 --> 00:20:27,284
Really! You shouldn't have.
414
00:20:27,284 --> 00:20:29,644
Wow! Team that with a pair of combats
415
00:20:29,644 --> 00:20:32,524
and a little bomber jacket and THAT...
416
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:33,884
is...HOT.
417
00:20:40,084 --> 00:20:43,444
- Hi, I'm Julia.
- Sorry! Julia, Eve. Eve, Julia. - Hi.
418
00:20:49,604 --> 00:20:52,484
So, how do you two know each other, then?
419
00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:55,364
Oh, we don't really, but...
420
00:20:55,364 --> 00:20:57,804
I'm hoping to be civilly partnered to her in the next fortnight
421
00:20:57,804 --> 00:21:00,324
and then we can start our care home for bullied cats.
422
00:21:00,324 --> 00:21:04,124
- She's joking.
- I'm not remotely joking. - She's joking.
423
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:08,044
- That's lovely.
- So how do you two know each other?
424
00:21:08,044 --> 00:21:11,044
Oh, we just met last week, didn't we, Sara?
425
00:21:11,044 --> 00:21:14,644
Yes, we did. She's asked me to study her dog.
426
00:21:14,644 --> 00:21:16,684
That's how it starts.
427
00:21:16,684 --> 00:21:19,124
Well, you look busy, so...
428
00:21:19,124 --> 00:21:20,804
I'll leave you to it.
429
00:21:23,084 --> 00:21:24,604
Bye!
430
00:21:24,604 --> 00:21:26,644
Oh, I'm so glad you like it!
431
00:21:26,644 --> 00:21:28,084
It's cos you love animals.
432
00:21:28,084 --> 00:21:30,124
Yes, sort of love/hate!
433
00:21:30,124 --> 00:21:32,244
Oh, it's just so YOU!
434
00:21:32,244 --> 00:21:34,604
THEY ROAR
435
00:21:38,524 --> 00:21:40,564
- Hi, sorry I'm late.
- Hello, this is...
436
00:21:40,564 --> 00:21:41,964
Why are you dressed like a woman?
437
00:21:41,964 --> 00:21:43,244
Julia.
438
00:21:43,244 --> 00:21:44,484
Nice to meet you.
439
00:21:44,484 --> 00:21:46,404
Oh, my God, is that him?
440
00:21:46,404 --> 00:21:49,364
Is that Kip? Why isn't he wearing his uniform?
441
00:21:50,604 --> 00:21:52,084
Because he's not really a Marine.
442
00:21:52,084 --> 00:21:53,964
Because that was in a film.
443
00:21:53,964 --> 00:21:58,404
Remember how we had that conversation about films being different from real... No, you don't remember?
444
00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:02,164
Remember that time you went up to Daniel Radcliffe and asked him for a game of Quidditch?
445
00:22:02,164 --> 00:22:04,244
Bodyguards bundled us into the car...
446
00:22:04,244 --> 00:22:07,044
I don't know why you insist on calling him Daniel Radcliffe.
447
00:22:07,044 --> 00:22:08,444
His name's Harry.
448
00:22:09,484 --> 00:22:10,524
OK, nice!
449
00:22:10,524 --> 00:22:12,004
I'm going in!
450
00:22:13,364 --> 00:22:15,764
I should go and keep a close eye on her.
451
00:22:15,764 --> 00:22:18,164
- Her hands do tend to get a little bit wandery.
- Hi.
452
00:22:18,164 --> 00:22:22,164
Sorry, I've spent the best part of the day to get that paint from under my fingernails.
453
00:22:22,164 --> 00:22:24,044
Why are you dressed like a prostitute?
454
00:22:24,044 --> 00:22:25,684
Excuse me!
455
00:22:25,684 --> 00:22:29,004
I have changed stylistic direction, courtesy of my new friend.
456
00:22:29,004 --> 00:22:33,444
- Please tell me you are not pointing to the girl with the pearl earrings.
- Yep.
457
00:22:33,444 --> 00:22:36,484
That's her! That's the irritating cow I've been dealing with at work.
458
00:22:36,484 --> 00:22:38,404
How can you be friends with her?! She's evil.
459
00:22:38,404 --> 00:22:41,604
"I need a retro-fitted recess in mother-of-pearl for my nail varnish."
460
00:22:41,604 --> 00:22:43,204
Haven't you heard of minimalism?!
461
00:22:43,204 --> 00:22:45,484
- That doesn't sound like her at all.
- Well, it is.
462
00:22:45,484 --> 00:22:47,164
She's making a break from her husband
463
00:22:47,164 --> 00:22:49,244
because he spends all his time with his sick mum
464
00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:52,004
and she wants to find someone young and rich who can spoil her.
465
00:22:52,004 --> 00:22:54,044
- You've SO got the wrong person.
- I SO haven't.
466
00:22:54,044 --> 00:22:57,764
- You so have.
- I so haven't. - Why don't you say hello to her?
467
00:22:57,764 --> 00:23:00,284
Hi! Just been talking about you.
468
00:23:00,284 --> 00:23:01,364
Hello!
469
00:23:02,684 --> 00:23:06,204
Yeah. So I get up, I eat a pack of eggs and maybe a protein shake,
470
00:23:06,204 --> 00:23:08,644
then I go and do bench press
471
00:23:08,644 --> 00:23:11,244
and maybe pound a bag for a couple of hours.
472
00:23:11,244 --> 00:23:12,964
Then I have a ham...
473
00:23:12,964 --> 00:23:16,204
- Wow!
- If I'm training, I might have maybe two ham.
474
00:23:16,204 --> 00:23:18,604
Yeah. We have then a kilo of pasta,
475
00:23:18,604 --> 00:23:23,124
and then I'm down to the swimming pool doing laps to get the trapeziums nice and strong.
476
00:23:23,124 --> 00:23:25,444
Then it's in the weight room for the rest of the day.
477
00:23:27,044 --> 00:23:30,124
Let me tell you something. When you lift 120,
478
00:23:30,124 --> 00:23:32,164
130 pounds...
479
00:23:32,164 --> 00:23:34,564
to me, it is a truly spiritual experience.
480
00:23:34,564 --> 00:23:38,204
Wow! 120, 130 pounds? How much is that in animal?
481
00:23:38,204 --> 00:23:40,324
I don't understand.
482
00:23:40,324 --> 00:23:41,684
Is it an otter?
483
00:23:41,684 --> 00:23:42,964
I don't know what that is.
484
00:23:42,964 --> 00:23:44,404
A large badger?
485
00:23:44,404 --> 00:23:46,124
It's about like a kangaroo.
486
00:23:46,124 --> 00:23:49,004
- Really? Wow.
- Yeah, about exactly a kangaroo.
487
00:23:49,004 --> 00:23:50,564
Do you think you could lift me?
488
00:23:50,564 --> 00:23:52,084
Oh, yeah, easy.
489
00:23:52,084 --> 00:23:53,444
Easy. No problem.
490
00:23:53,444 --> 00:23:55,364
SHE GIGGLES
491
00:23:55,364 --> 00:23:59,484
Yeah, I'd say you're slightly less than a kangaroo.
492
00:23:59,484 --> 00:24:01,244
- More like a snow leopard.
- Really?
493
00:24:01,244 --> 00:24:03,764
- Hi.
- Hi. This is Kip. He eats ham
494
00:24:03,764 --> 00:24:05,804
and he lifts kangaroos.
495
00:24:05,804 --> 00:24:07,884
- Nice to see you.
- Ah, a working girl.
496
00:24:07,884 --> 00:24:10,084
We have a lot of you in Amsterdam, where I live.
497
00:24:10,084 --> 00:24:12,204
Yeah, it's legal there. It is better.
498
00:24:12,204 --> 00:24:13,844
Yeah, I'm actually not a...
499
00:24:13,844 --> 00:24:15,284
Can I get you a drink?
500
00:24:15,284 --> 00:24:16,764
I'm not drinking, actually.
501
00:24:16,764 --> 00:24:20,004
OK. Oh, listen, I need a vodka milkshake.
502
00:24:20,004 --> 00:24:21,164
And do you serve bacon?
503
00:24:21,164 --> 00:24:22,404
OK.
504
00:24:22,404 --> 00:24:24,084
So why aren't you drinking?
505
00:24:24,084 --> 00:24:26,284
I'm in solidarity with Julia. She's...
506
00:24:26,284 --> 00:24:28,204
HE LAUGHS
507
00:24:28,204 --> 00:24:30,404
But Julia drinks like a fish!
508
00:24:30,404 --> 00:24:32,604
No, she doesn't, because she's in recovery.
509
00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:35,004
Oh, yeah. No, recovery, certainly.
510
00:24:35,004 --> 00:24:37,924
For shoplifting. Yeah, it's an addiction.
511
00:24:37,924 --> 00:24:41,884
She can't go into a shop and not take something home with her.
512
00:24:41,884 --> 00:24:42,924
Pretty sad.
513
00:24:48,604 --> 00:24:51,004
- JULIA:
- Oh, God, I need another drink!
514
00:24:52,564 --> 00:24:57,084
Even I couldn't talk to her without laughing - it's like looking at one of The Proclaimers in drag.
515
00:24:58,524 --> 00:25:02,244
One more day of playing best mates and then I can get shot of her.
516
00:25:02,244 --> 00:25:05,724
You've only had to hang with her for a few days. I had six weeks.
517
00:25:05,724 --> 00:25:07,524
Six weeks!
518
00:25:07,524 --> 00:25:10,484
I don't know why you want that stinking dog anyway.
519
00:25:10,484 --> 00:25:14,724
He's only going to moult all over your new flat. That's why I got a lizard.
520
00:25:14,724 --> 00:25:18,884
I don't want him. I just don't want John to have him.
521
00:25:18,884 --> 00:25:21,324
Poor, little sad John.
522
00:25:22,924 --> 00:25:27,044
- Thanks for the dress. Where did you get it?
- Oh, I just picked it up.
523
00:25:27,044 --> 00:25:28,164
I love it.
524
00:25:28,164 --> 00:25:31,084
Right! Back to it, girls.
525
00:25:32,324 --> 00:25:35,004
- What's up? You OK?
- Yeah.
526
00:25:35,004 --> 00:25:36,404
I'm just an idiot, that's all.
527
00:25:36,404 --> 00:25:38,684
I'm just a total and utter idiot.
528
00:25:40,524 --> 00:25:42,124
I didn't see the signs.
529
00:25:42,124 --> 00:25:45,364
When I went to the house, I noticed Julia had brown dust in the palm of her hand,
530
00:25:45,364 --> 00:25:46,964
consistent with dry dog food residue.
531
00:25:46,964 --> 00:25:49,324
Which was also on the outside of her left jacket pocket,
532
00:25:49,324 --> 00:25:51,644
which means that's where the dog treats were kept
533
00:25:51,644 --> 00:25:54,004
and why Rufus was sitting so obediently next to her.
534
00:25:54,004 --> 00:25:57,564
As I left the house, I noticed that John had a bulging pocket to his right
535
00:25:57,564 --> 00:25:58,884
and damp was coming through,
536
00:25:58,884 --> 00:26:02,404
as if something recently wet had been put inside, like a used handkerchief.
537
00:26:02,404 --> 00:26:05,844
He was turning his face away NOT because he was trying to hide an infidelity,
538
00:26:05,844 --> 00:26:09,804
but because he was embarrassed by his tears.
539
00:26:09,804 --> 00:26:12,324
He was talking loudly on the phone, we means he either a bad line
540
00:26:12,324 --> 00:26:14,204
or was talking to an elderly relative.
541
00:26:14,204 --> 00:26:16,124
The fact that the phone was brand new
542
00:26:16,124 --> 00:26:18,724
and top end leads me to believe it was the latter.
543
00:26:18,724 --> 00:26:22,404
The senior in question? Most probably his mother, seeing as he was gentle
544
00:26:22,404 --> 00:26:24,604
and moderated his vocabulary on the phone.
545
00:26:24,604 --> 00:26:26,924
The trouser fibres just above his knee were flattened
546
00:26:26,924 --> 00:26:28,964
in a straight line, indicating a pressure point
547
00:26:28,964 --> 00:26:31,644
consistent with that of a wheelchair, serial number 4567290.
548
00:26:31,644 --> 00:26:33,884
The type favoured by Virgoan male with Aries rising.
549
00:26:33,884 --> 00:26:35,964
Down a little and just left to his calf,
550
00:26:35,964 --> 00:26:38,684
the presence of three different types of dog hair,
551
00:26:38,684 --> 00:26:40,964
tricoloured, and a slight tang of ear mite,
552
00:26:40,964 --> 00:26:43,084
indicating a long ear canal consistent with a Bassett Hound...
553
00:26:43,084 --> 00:26:44,124
Rufus.
554
00:26:44,124 --> 00:26:48,044
Which means, of course, that HE is he is the primary carer and NOT Julia.
555
00:26:49,364 --> 00:26:51,284
No shit, Sherlock.
556
00:26:51,284 --> 00:26:54,604
Do you know I have no idea what you're talking about,
557
00:26:54,604 --> 00:26:56,524
but damn, you are good.
558
00:26:58,324 --> 00:26:59,724
I really don't know what to do.
559
00:27:01,044 --> 00:27:04,764
You know what you've got to do. The most awful thing imaginable.
560
00:27:04,764 --> 00:27:07,884
- Kill her?
- No, no, no. You're going to do the right thing.
561
00:27:07,884 --> 00:27:09,964
Tell the court the truth.
562
00:27:11,364 --> 00:27:16,324
- Is this your friend?
- Yeah. - Yeah. She was fun, but now she's gone weird.
563
00:27:16,324 --> 00:27:19,364
Listen, I'd love to stay, but I'm hypoglycaemic.
564
00:27:19,364 --> 00:27:23,204
So I need to eat a turkey and punch somebody or I'm going to explode.
565
00:27:23,204 --> 00:27:24,444
- Wow.
- OK?
566
00:27:24,444 --> 00:27:26,564
"The Birdie Song" PLAYS
567
00:27:28,284 --> 00:27:29,564
Oh, God, here we go.
568
00:27:29,564 --> 00:27:31,204
- Peter Purvis.
- Trousers.
569
00:27:31,204 --> 00:27:33,884
- Sausages.
- Snap out of it.
570
00:27:33,884 --> 00:27:35,684
- Toast.
- Hedgerows.
571
00:27:35,684 --> 00:27:37,804
- Tired now!
- Snake's eyes.
572
00:27:37,804 --> 00:27:39,564
- What's wrong with you?
- Shopping centre.
573
00:27:39,564 --> 00:27:42,044
- Psychiatry.
- Thurrock. - They have injections.
574
00:27:42,044 --> 00:27:44,604
- M25.
- Big fat bum.
575
00:27:44,604 --> 00:27:46,564
- House boat.
- Pork chops.
576
00:27:46,564 --> 00:27:47,884
Aeroplane.
577
00:27:47,884 --> 00:27:49,324
She's out!
578
00:27:49,324 --> 00:27:50,644
She's out!
579
00:27:56,284 --> 00:27:58,364
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
580
00:27:58,414 --> 00:28:02,964
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