Original subtitles

Thank you for coming in to interview

for the principal position, Mrs. Huang.

My pleasure. Thank you for agreeing to meet.

Now, what specific ideas do you have

to improve our school?

Trick question.

Only a fool would give ideas for free.

I'll answer when I'm on payroll.

And why are you talking

in a regionally incorrect British accent?

To get into the part. Like you asked.

In your detailed and demanding voicemail.

No accent, but I do like the glasses.

Makes you look like you have the IQ of a brunette.

Okay.

As principal,

how would you let go of a bad employee?

Quickly and off a 4-story building. Next.

Jessica...

You asked me to help.

Stop joking around.

Honey, private schools are competitive.

My r�sum� is perfect,

and I want my interview to be perfect, too.

Sure, I know I can rely on my looks,

but I want to be hired for what's in here.

Not for all this.

Now, start over.

Hi, Jessica.

So nice to meet you.

Tell me about yourself.

What? What now?

Most interviewers offer water.

"Can I get you some water, Mrs. Huang?"

Fine.

Mrs. Huang, would you like some water?

Oh, no, thank you.

But I will take some tea.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

? Fresh off the boat ?

? I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ?

? If you don't know, homey, now you know ?

? Fresh off the boat ?

? Homey, you don't know where I come from ?

? But I know where I'm goin' ?

? I'm fresh off the boat ?

Next up... handshakes.

In my experience,

most interviews start and end with one...

if the interviewer is a woman.

A too-long hug if it's a man.

Ow!

Ow! My darts hand!

My hands are so strong

from pulling myself up by my own bootstraps.

She's got the grip of a chimpanzee.

We blow through doorknobs around here.

Wait, you asked Honey to help you find a job

and not the business consultant you live with?

Way to kiss a gift horse on the mouth.

I think the saying is

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

- That doesn't make sense. - Wrong.

Jessica, you're right. Maybe it's best I don't help.

You're used to me as your husband,

not brutally honest, straightforward,

no-emotion Business Louis.

No emotion? I would love it if you were like that all the time.

Have you, uh, networked with Deidre yet?

She's on the board at a private school.

Deidre?

The "networking" I do with her is not exactly positive.

Hey. You wanted to borrow these for Honey's surprise party?

There's a surprise for you too...

You're not invited.

Did you want me to set these up in the kitchen

or up your ass?

Yeah, that's not bridge-building.

But, luckily, you have me.

Deidre and I have a fruitful business relationship.

I buy all my hair products from her.

She only sells women's products.

Mm-hmm.

$50 of monthly hair products

doesn't just build a lustrous sheen.

It builds a friendship.

Jessica, let me help.

I know I can get you the job of your dreams.

Well, I guess it can't hurt.

Plus, Honey, you're doing terrible.

You took 20 minutes to make tea.

Here. Saved my crusts for you.

Yes. Papa loves his "Emery Sticks."

Compadres! Why don't we switch the channel over to "ESS-PEN,"

'cause this Huang is now a high school athlete.

The high school's desperate for Mathletes,

so they're recruiting the top eighth grader.

Their team is about to... multiply.

That's the little "x" one, right?

Mm.

I'm on my way to completing the Iron Man.

Science fair, Mathletes,

and one day, the spelling bee.

I wish it was a smelling bee. I'd dominate.

I smelled almost 30 things yesterday.

I'll be there a few times a week for practice.

We can all hang out.

Three Huang boys, one underfunded high school.

Who am I kidding? I couldn't win a smelling bee.

Some of those kids have been training their entire lives.

Thanks for the invite, Louis. I had no idea you guys played.

Ah, the hitting, the walking, the basic arithmetic.

Can't get enough of it.

Okay.

This is hell.

Sure, but sometimes you have to endure a little hardship

for the good of the big picture...

Play the long game.

Louis, don't annoy me.

I have spikes on the bottom of my shoes.

Well, making connections requires finesse.

You have to massage the relationship before asking favors.

Finesse? Massage?

You gotta stop watching those shampoo commercials.

Focus. This is step 1 of many.

Amazing shot, Deidre!

Now, slowly start to butter her up.

Ask her about her side makeup company.

Hey, Deidre, great golf.

How's your makeup thing?

Oof! Let me tell you.

Our glitter shadows are flying off the...

I'm looking for a job at a private school.

I know you're on the board of Smith-Moore Academy.

Uhp, uh, first sign of sunstroke.

She starts talking about private schools.

Sorry, Deidre.

Sunstroke, with the brim radius on that visor?

No way. She wants to talk business.

I do. Servant, grab your little pencil.

Come take notes.

Actually, it just so happens,

our school is looking for a Dean.

You'd be perfect. I could put in a good word.

Really?

Thank you.

Yeah, of course.

And with my pull, the interview is basically a formality,

so I'll go call the school right now while you guys tee off.

That happened awfully fast.

You are just thrown because I made your long game short.

Maybe.

Or she can't afford to lose her best haircare customer.

Or she just knows that I'm perfect at everything I do.

Home run!

You're up.

Sorry you couldn't sit up front.

You have to call shotgun. Right, Emery?

It's tough for me because I'm a pacifist,

but I also get carsick back there.

Alright, last safe place for farts.

Blast them out while you still can.

My dream came a year early.

Three Huangs together in high school.

? Don't wanna be a player ?

? I'm not a player, I just crush a lot ?

? I'm still not a player, but you still a hater ?

? Elevator to the top, ha ?

? See you later, I'm gone ?

- I'm the third Huang. - My God, it's Evan!

If the girls are too much,

complain to someone else, you lucky bastard.

? I'm not a player, I just crush a lot ?

There he is.

My man.

? Uptown, baby, uptown ?

? I don't wanna be a player no more ?

Alright, see you after school, nerd.

Don't be late, or I'm leaving you.

How do you conjure up your farts so fast?

I clam up.

It comes with age.

What did he mean by "see you after school"?

You guys don't hang out at school?

Oh, it's just that...

I don't want to cramp his style, you know?

It's high school. That's just the way it is.

Oh, dear Lord, the tongue kissing is rampant!

Hey, Eve, nice cat calendar.

Did you see the new "Dilbert" today? So true.

Hey, are we going in on a lotto ticket together or what?

Man, I love office culture.

Who are you?

I'm the new Dean. Dean Huang.

I came in last week

for my start paperwork and faculty wall photos?

I deemed myself a one-shot wonder?

Oh, right. The Dean.

Oh, there she is.

Hello, Jessica.

Principal Reed, what do you need me to tackle today?

College guidance? Student discipline?

Slashing the budget? The arts... gone.

Well, you know, that's not really... what you're here for.

Uh, between the Headmaster and myself,

we've got that covered.

- Headmaster? - Mm.

Then what do I do?

Job's pretty much what you make of it.

So...

Oh, I've got your welcome packet here, and, uh...

Oh, look at that.

I accidentally put in a copy of Administrator Weekly.

That's weird.

I'm the guest editor.

Oh, well. You enjoy.

Uhp. Another doorknob.

How was your first day?

Terrible! They only hired me because I'm Chinese!

What? I'm sure that's not...

"Home of Diversity"?

They have a swimming pool? Can we use...

Not the time.

They put me on the front of their brochure.

Sure, this face was built for a cover, but come on!

I knew something was up

when Deidre was so willing to help you out.

I don't buy that much hair product.

Principal Reed couldn't name one thing in my job description.

I looked it up,

and the title of Dean didn't even exist until now.

So, then you're the first.

You like coming in first. You raced me down the aisle.

The school is obviously caught up in this new "diversity wave,"

but it's just for optics.

I finally got what I wanted, and I didn't even earn it.

No, you put in all the work. You deserve this job.

I don't want a handout.

Well, the alternative is no diversity at all.

Is that better?

That sounds like my husband talking.

I want to know what my business consultant thinks.

He... or me... He-me...

We think it's lousy how you got it, but you got it,

and now you got to make the most of it and play the long game,

work twice as hard.

I already work twice as hard.

So now I'm gonna work four times as hard.

Show them who's Dean.

Oh, I love it when you're angry at people that aren't me.

Uh, I'm still waiting for my body odor to come in,

but I don't think that's how you use that.

I realized, why just my armpits?

Where's the love for my knee-pits and elbow-pits?

Sure.

Hey, why don't you hang out with Emery at school?

Emery?

Ah, his drama friends are weird.

They're always pretending with invisible props.

Like, why not just tip your actual hat?

My crew? We're cool.

With visible props.

Is that why you're always looking at each other

and saying "Props"?

No.

See, the thing is,

hanging with your brothers at home is fine,

but at school, it's lame.

You gotta do you at school.

It's technically "do oneself."

Proving my point.

Look, I've already broken in the teachers and paved the way.

Emery's gotta figure stuff out on his own.

I'll be gone in a year.

Okay, but I get the sense

that Emery really wants to hang out with you.

And remember what Dad always says?

"Brothers are thicker than water."

I think it's "Blood is thicker than water."

Immigrant parents.

Great at raising kids, bad at idioms.

It's "Cut me some slacks" all over again.

Okay, I'll throw him an Emery Stick.

Is it weird if I ask you to deodorize my back?

Yes.

And here we are.

Huh?

What's that?

Huh? Wha...

Oh! That's Mr. Buns.

He came from the 10th-grade science class.

They didn't have it in their hearts to dissect,

so now he lives here in the supply closet.

Office. This is your office.

Okay, fine.

Now that we're here, can we talk through my ideas?

Oh, there's no rush.

Why don't you relax?

Take some time to decorate and, uh, adjust, huh?

Any other questions?

Just one.

Do you think anyone can hear your screams from down here?

Aah!

My throat!

You have claws like a wolf!

Stop bleeding! Take my punches like a man!

Jessica?

Jessica, any other questions?

No? Okay, good, good.

Well, you know, I have a meeting in about an hour,

so I better start the trek back.

Ugh.

You remind me of one of my exes.

All of my exes.

Emery, my brother!

Whoa! Eddie.

I know. My voice is getting deeper, and it is jarring.

It's like, "Is that Batman?"

No, it's me. Eddie.

No, we're pretending to be in a band,

and you totally just made a ruckus on the piano.

Oh.

Invisible prop time. Fun.

So, I was thinking maybe I'd hang out

with my favorite middle brother today.

Nah, we're good. Thanks.

What? Emery, come on. This is a gift from God.

Like the day Cinemax was unscrambled.

I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather you not join.

No offense.

Yes offense.

You should be thrilled your older, cooler brother

is sitting with you.

It's just that we're kinda in the middle of something here.

I get it. You don't know how to shake these dweebs.

Dweebs? Have you seen your friends?

Or should I say, the Tall Freak Parade?

Tall Freak Parade? What about Brian?

You're using Brian to make yourself seem normal? Sad.

You know what? Good.

I don't wanna hang out with my brother at school anyways.

Nothing lamer than that.

Pretty clean game so far.

They haven't shown the referee once.

I can't do it anymore.

I've been trying to work four times as hard,

but it is 10 times as hard to work four times as hard.

I know it's not easy, but you gotta hang in there.

They won't let me.

I tried to pitch in at a staff meeting.

Half the staff thinks I'm only there

to "increase diversity,"

and they don't even listen to me.

A part of our budget has been set aside

to update our teams' uniforms with our new mascot...

The Ghosts.

Great idea.

What a beautiful tribute

to the graveyard the school's built on.

You know what else is scary?

Our school nutrition.

I was thinking we could use some of the budget

for healthy vending machines.

Ooh!

Off that, I wonder

if we should consider putting in healthy vending machines.

Just spitballing.

What an interesting idea, Jan.

Thank you, Jan.

My goodness!

Excellent work, Jan.

Okay, not great.

But maybe it's because you're new.

You have to establish yourself first.

I thought that, too, so I tried to distinguish myself

as something other than "the Asian person."

Find something else for them to focus on.

Alright, Mr. Buns, here's the plan.

We'll walk into the admin building,

you'll distract everyone with your cuteness,

and then I'll hit them with my plan

to start college guidance in the 7th grade.

Oh! Do you have a bunny because it's the year of the rabbit?

It makes no sense.

I know it's about optics, but they're still paying you.

You'd think they'd want to use you for something.

Oh, they do.

Alright, any ideas for Hispanic Heritage Month?

What if the cafeteria serves tacos?

Is that okay? Culturally?

The only reason they want me there

is to sign off on anything "diverse."

To protect themselves.

Wow. That's...

Wow.

I know what you're going to say.

"As your business consultant, stick it out,

play the long game, stop eating my Slim Jims."

No. I say screw them, they don't deserve you.

You gotta quit.

You want me to quit?

What about the long game?

Ah, it's just an expression I picked to build you up.

I could've gone with any of them...

"It's always real dark before dawn,"

"Every cloud has a shiny coating,"

"Rome took a while."

"When one door closes, a window opens."

You need to look for another school,

where your talents will be appreciated.

It's pointless.

I researched some other private schools.

It's more of the same.

This one says "Now with black teachers."

Alright, so, what's your advice?

None. You can't win.

I have no Louis Pep Talk for this.

They've got you. You're stuck between a rock and a hard face.

Well, what happened to Business Louis?

Brutally honest, straightforward, no emotion.

He's dead.

It kills me to see you lose.

I have no answers for you. It's all so disheartening.

Hey, want some Emery Sticks?

Did you bring the trash can over here just for that?

Worth it.

Hey, my brothers who are definitely not mad at each other

or mad at me.

Evan, watch out!

Emery's imaginary drum kit is there.

You don't want to cause a ruckus.

You're the one who tried to crash my lunch table.

Because I felt bad for you.

I didn't want to sit with you, but Evan said you wanted me to.

I never said that.

You said you didn't want to hang out with Eddie

because you didn't want to cramp his style.

I only said that because I didn't want to admit

I don't want to hang out with Eddie at school.

Harsh. But I get it. Same.

I'm just bummed that you guys don't hang out at high school.

I know it's different, but I didn't expect it to be that different.

Just wait 'til you go to a high school locker room.

Wall-to-wall butts.

We only have one year left with Eddie.

We shouldn't squander it.

Brothers should hang out whenever they can.

Wow. He just doesn't get it.

Maybe we should give him what he wants.

Some quality brother time.

Peace offering?

I know it's symbolic because it was in the trash, but...

Mm.

It's got some trash OJ on it,

but it gives it a nice tang.

Mm.

Well, I guess I should ask you,

since you're my only responsibility.

Should I quit?

But if I kill him, I have to kill everybody.

Jessica?

We need you.

Our ghost mascot blew up in our face.

When the marching band threw their sheets over themselves,

that was bad enough,

but when they saluted our veterans in the stands...

ugh, not a good look.

Very KKK.

And I don't mean Spanish for "What? What? What?"

Mm. So, now you need me.

Yes.

Any ideas?

This school has two Indian guys.

And I looked it up. One died 30 years ago.

Horrific car accident.

But they're still using his photo!

Louis, burn those. I'm not quitting.

What? But you said yourself it's pointless.

I did. Because it rattled my confidence.

But I know who I am and what I can offer.

If they don't want to listen, that's on them.

But if I quit, that's on me.

My business consultant was right all along.

I have to play the long game.

I have to have a seat at the table

so this doesn't happen to other people in the future.

'Cause chances are, they're only 1/4 as strong as me. Tops.

That can be a really long game.

But I've got my husband and business consultant

by my side, right?

- Always. - Good.

Get your things, because it's happening today.

I called a press conference, and I need your help.

I gotta hand it to you, Jessica,

you really speed up the long game.

So, he says,

"That's no quadratic equation.

That's my wife!"

- Ha ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha ha.

Ahhh.

What are you guys doing here?

You said the math team desperately needed members.

Plus, brothers are thicker than water!

So, we're here to hang, all at school,

just like you wanted.

But this is kinda my thing.

Okay, Mathletes, who's ready to divide and conquer?

What is the least common multiple of 4 and 10?

Pi.

Wrong.

Damn Emery's quick pointer finger!

Next question...

Today, Amy's age is four times Jon's age.

Three years ago, the sum of their ages was 54.

How old is Amy today?

- Pi. - Who Amy?

Wrong.

This next one's an easy one.

Solve this equation...

E = MC blank.

Hammer! MC Hammer.

Wrong. Very wrong.

I'd like to take a 2.24 squared.

Pi?

A five!

- Okay, I get it. - See, Evan?

Having your brothers up in your business at school

isn't always fun.

You love Grandma, right?

Does the horizontal asymptote of "Y equals zero"

extend to infinity?

It does. I love Grandma.

Do you want to spend all your time with her?

Even when she's sorting her bras out by their mileage?

No.

I once had to do the thongs.

I guess I do have a lot to learn about high school.

I just got it!

Mathlete!

Like athlete, but with math.

People are so creative.

Mm.

The school administration

thought that ghosts were "culturally neutral"

since "everybody dies,"

but as long as I am Dean,

I ensure the school will never make a mistake like this again.

And now it's time for questions.

Keep it quick.

I know you have other private-school press conferences to attend.

Questions? Uh...

Oh, yes, you, handsome man in the Western blazer.

Uh, Dean Jessica Huang, with your new position,

what plans do you have for the school?

Mm-hmm. Thank you, random reporter.

Let me walk you through my extensive list of plans

that fall under my job description,

none of which can be taken away

because I'm listing them here publicly today.

Well, at least I'll finally find out what a Dean does.

Long game.

After that, we'll discuss the generous raise

that will be offered to me tomorrow.

Raise?

And, uh, after-hours use of the pool?

No more questions.

Wait, so there's a pizza pie,

a fruit pie, and a math pi?

I know, I know, it's a lot.

Why'd they run out of words?

Wait, then what pie are they talking about

when they say "pie in the sky"?

Mm, that's not the phrase.

It's "pie in this guy." Like in here.

That makes sense, because you eat it.

But you don't eat the math pi.

Oh.

Everybody, meet Mr. Buns.

He is my assistant, and he will be staying with us

while Principal Reed makes sure they put a window in my office.

I was afraid to ask who Mr. Buns was this entire time,

and let me tell you, I'm relieved.

Aww, he's so cute.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com