All language subtitles for David Brent Live On The Road Eng Subs

Hello, I'm David Brent.

You probably know me as the star
of the BBC Two documentary The Office,

back in 2000 and...

No, that was then, this is now.

I'm currently a singer-song writer, so...

And a rep.

I work for Lavichem.

What do you mean who does my tampons?

We sell cleaning products.

All toiletry needs, really.

One size fits all.
No, it doesn't, actually.

I am following my dream as the lead singer
in the band Foregone Conclusion.

This is our story.

I never really gave up
that dream if I'm being honest.

So when the documentary team

approached me and said they wanted
to continue the Brent saga,

I said, "Sure, but let's do it big."

That's as stiff as you like
and it won't damage your rug.

Well, that's what I told her.

One last push to see if I can make it
in the music business.

Watch this space.

Let's rock.

# Half a tank should get me to Millbank

# I fill her up and head down to Sidcup

# It's just a meeting
It's only fleeting

# It's just a pitch
And then I'm up to Ipswich

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour
But no more

# Wheeler dealing no feeling

# Strictly business
I'm killin' it in Widnes

# Then to Gloucester
I get a Costa

# Hard shoulder
Coffee holder

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour
But no more #

Personal parking space. Typical.

Oh, here they are.

- Ooh, lovely Serena.
- What?

No, I was just saying.

- When you buying me dinner?
- Never.

No, I'll buy.

Morning. Made you a coffee.

We play these games.
Um, they know I'm available.

It's not like they're
coming on to a married man.

So, all good fun.

I'm in the marketplace, so to speak.
You know, young, free and single.

Not gonna settle down just yet.

I've been out with all sorts of girls.

Rich girls, poor girls, white girls.

You know.

Thin girls, fat girls.

I went out with a very big lady.

Mmm, lovely. Bubbly.

Mmm, beautiful eyes.

All my mates were like, "Oh, Brent, if she
lost weight she'd be an absolute stunner."

And she did lose weight.

And, um... and she wasn't a stunner,
which was very disappointing.

Um, a surprise to everyone.

I think she'd left it a bit late in life
and lost it way too quickly.

So she was left
with that sort of wattle thing.

You know...

And she wasn't bubbly any more.
Bit grumpy.

Always hungry.

So lesson learned. Be what you are.

So, yeah, that's the plan.

Tour, record deal, stick an album out,

make some big bucks, get a fancy crib,

then snare a lucky lady. Yeah.

But at first, life on the open road.
It's in my blood, uh...

- Do you drive?
- You know I do.

I've given you a lift home several times.

- What car you got?
- Red Honda.

Lady across the road from me
has got a red Honda.

That's me.
I live across the road from you.

Oh. Wondered why she was always waving.

Thought she was mental. That explains it.

- I'd like to see you live.
- Ooh, don't know.

The lyrics are a bit hot for you. X-rated.

We got one song, it's about rock 'n' roll,
but it's a metaphor for sex.

It goes... # I'm gonna roll you over
And rock you stupid

# And leave you there just hummin'

# There's a party in my trousers, baby
And everybody's comin' #

You get it?
Ask me how I'm spelling "comin" '?

- How are you spelling "comin" '?
- C-U-M-I-N.

That's cumin.

Double M. Think.

It's... So, yeah.

That sort of coming.

Well, not with... But with... You know.
Although some women do...

squirt.

Don't know what.

Juice.

No one knows.

Right, see you later.

You know, we're top salesmen here.

Sort of like the dream team, really,
some of these guys.

- Jezza. Just biggin' you up.
- Sorry, mate, I'm talking, what?

He's great when he's out with the clients.
They love him, but...

he wants... I don't know...
he's like a kid, he wants attention.

You know, you see a man that age
and you think, "What are you doing?"

Lovely Serena again.
The one that plays hard to get.

- Please, Brent.
- No.

- I can't stand him.
- Okay.

I know how that looks.

I know in your little documentary thing

you're just gonna paint me out
to be, like, the bitch, but...

if I give him an inch, that's it.

Here's the boss.

Keeping an eye on us
is, uh, head of sales, Andy Chapman.

I used to have my own office.
Better than that in a way.

I prefer it out here with the troops
because we have a laugh.

I'm sort of my own boss,
but we're all equal, so anything goes.

I'm one of the lads.

What's he doing?

- Ah, Mr Brent.
- "Ah, Mr Brent."

- What is that?
- Fuck knows.

"Fuck knows." Oh, my God,
I have to sit next to this nutter.

Fuck know... Fuck nose.

Are you sure you want a pun war with me?

I love puns.
Highest form of wit in my opinion.

Nigel gets it 'cause he's a bit cooler,
like me, not a corporate stuffed shirt.

He's a mentalist.

Maracas. These are my knackers, more like.

Bollocks.

Look, aren't my plums a bit red, Doctor?

Turn round and see plums in your face.

Top banta. They call us Bant and Dec.
Don't they?

- Well, we sometimes call ourselves that.
- Yeah.

And Brentertainment.

- That's more you.
- You're in. Come here.

David's David, isn't he?

He's just... He's a lovely bloke.
I think he's brilliant.

Makes me laugh anyway.
I know most people don't get him...

but I do.

Most people don't get me, but he does.
So it's nice.

It's good that we've found each other.

He's gonna help me, um, showcase
some of my comedy characters.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Aren't you? Trying to get that done.

Got one character called Lionel Fancy.

Oh hello, my name's Lionel Fancy.

His catchphrase is,
"Chance'd be a fine thing."

- And it works with anything.
- It does. It does.

Just say something to me.

- All right, Lionel? What you up to today?
- No.

Say, um, "All right, Lionel,
I'm just making some dinner.

"Do you want something hot inside you?"

Oh, hello.

All right, Lionel,
I'm just making some dinner.

- Fancy something hot inside you?
- Chance'd be a fine thing.

All right, Lionel,
are you worried about AIDS?

Don't say that.

I got one, uh, character
called Dopey O'Leary. An Irishman.

I like making people laugh.

Sue me.

I like making people feel,
more importantly.

Comedy, music, poetry, philosophy,
whatever, you know.

I get inside your head.

Maybe get inside your heart.

I got one character... called Ho Lee Fuk.

- Ooh, no. Ooh, no!
- It's all right. It's not swearing.

That's his name. He's a little Chinaman.

Clever.

Hello, my name's Ho Lee Fuk.

I'm not weird-looking.
You're the weird-looking one.

From the Chinaman's perspective,
at last, I flipped it.

Oh, you fripped it.

He's fripped it.

- This is why we get on. Same level.
- Hang on a second.

Can you fucking keep it down? Yeah.
Can you keep it down?

- David? Can I have a word?
- Huh? Yeah.

What you want? What you want? Sirry rady.

I'm sure you didn't mean
to cause offence, David.

But, as you know, we have to consider
everyone's feelings in the workplace.

Yeah. Correctamundo.

You're happy to propagate
a stereotype of Irish people

being educationally subnormal

or gay people being ridiculously camp?

Well, I never actually specify
whether he is a homosexual or not.

So that's in your mind.

What about telling sexist jokes to women?

Oh, you're saying I should only
tell them to men? Sexist.

No. I'm saying
you shouldn't tell sexist jokes at all.

Oh, okay.

- You said something about bras?
- Yeah, just harmless fun.

Go on.

What's the definition of a glass bra?
Smash and grab. Honk, honk.

Okay. Well, violence against women
is seldom a laughing matter.

Where's the violence?

You're smashing a woman's bra,
and then you're grabbing her breasts.

Not literally. In a joke.
And the violence isn't the funny bit.

What is the funny bit, David?

Um, honk, honk.

Funny noise, funny organs.

So...

Well, I don't think it warrants
any formal disciplinary action.

- Shame.
- Uh...

- It can be arranged.
- Oh.

- But as I said, be aware...
- Hmm? I will.

...and sensitive to difference.

Ah, you'll see how sensitive
I am to difference.

Get a cab then.
I'll pay you back when you get here.

Because I need you to.
Trust me, it'll be fun.

All right. Call when you get here.

All right, cheers. Bye.

So...

Miriam is going to eat humble pie.

Not the pie she's used to.

I mean, she's slightly overweight
and likes apple pie.

Not hairy pie. She's a lezzer. I mean...

It's like having a 15-year-old kid
in the office, you know?

Your lack of humour warning.

And I find him an irritant. I mean,
normally I just shut my door when I hear him,

because it's just...
It just puts me off my work.

Where am I supposed to be?
I'm just, like, in reception.

Here. I'm down here.

- Flippin' hell.
- Come here.

I was just in a meeting with, uh, Miriam.
It's, uh, my black friend.

So,

that's what I've been...
Mixed race, actually.

My favourite.

His dad was black, his mum was white.
Get over it.

- My dad was white. My mum was black.
- Oh.

Even more different. Her face.

- Let's just not...
- I've been trying to say...

I first met David...

I was rapping in this open mic thing
in a pub in Slough.

It's, you know, where we're both from.

And he came over
and said he wanted to manage me.

You know? I mean, I didn't know
at the time he was a sales rep.

- Is that it?
- Yeah.

- It's the only reason I'm here?
- Yeah.

It's important. You off?

It's just my mate.

Going off on tour.

- Him?
- Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah.

I've booked a session today
in a top-notch recording studio.

- Hello?
- David.

Here we go.

Studio.

I love making demos.
I do it a lot, you know.

It not only gives the record company
an idea of what I can do.

It gives me an idea of what I could do,
and that's the buzz.

Dan. My usual engineer.

Well I've done one session with Dom.
It was meant to be with Dom.

It started off he was kind of
managing me and, um, he was paying

for me to make my demos which was cool.
And then,

suddenly, like,
he wanted to co-write songs

and then before I knew it, he was, like,
doing his own songs and saying,

"Oh, will you do a rap on this,
do a rap on that?"

And now it's like some kind
of Ebony and Ivory, urban sidekick deal.

Okay, I'm gonna cut the bullshit.

- That would be great, yeah.
- I'm head-hunting.

Putting a tour together.

Do you wanna be part of that?
Drive the gang?

On stage sound. Roadie.

- What sort of tour?
- Showcasing the band.

Also hotels, rider.

So it's some work and some food
and somewhere to sleep?

Here we go. Playing hardball. Yeah?

- Are we talking bunse?
- Well we're certainly not talking English.

- What do you earn here?
- That's not the issue.

I'll double it.

Really?

I never dreamt he'd be on that much.

It's a bit annoying.
It eats up the budget.

But you pay people well, they wanna do
a good job and they wanna keep their job.

So... I'll just cash in another pension.

That's what I've been doing
to finance all this.

I took out a lot of private pensions
in the '90s, you know.

And some of them are worth
as much as I've put in now, so...

And I would have spent that money by now.

And now I am gonna spend it
on rock 'n' roll.

But keep the drums sounding big though.

David is... He's on-site.

Deep down he's supporting me,
and I'm sure he'd love to see me do well.

It's not a lot right now, but, you know,
see how this tour goes. Never know.

There's a similarity there, you know.

I mean, in some ways we're very alike.

Except, you know, he's white and old
and his music is terrible.

But, I mean, we're both just trying
to make it, you know,

I'm just not...
not 100% sure what his "it" is.

Bit of a cock-up.

I've only got four days
actual holiday leave left.

So I've gotta take 11 days unpaid.

- Yeah.
- So...

That's all right, you know, sort of.

This is a holiday, isn't it?
It's what I love doing, so...

And if I get signed,
it's all been worth it.

Er, so my last day is next Friday.

Yeah. Make sure your clients
are covered for the month

and you're away.

Yeah, I am indeed.

- Back on the phones then.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Back on the phone.

It's daft.

I mean, wasting his holiday
in trying to be a pop star.

He'd be far better off, you know,
having a couple of weeks in Marbella.

Relax, nice tan...

Still, his money, his life, innit?

- It's on. Yeah.
- Ooh.

Uh...

My last week, next week. Then I'm off.

Got a few more... gigs to book in.

Get the record companies down, get signed.

Bye-bye nine to five.

Sorry.

No. So, rehearsal tomorrow.

Wait till you see the band.

Great bunch of kids.

Foregone Conclusion, Mark ll.

Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I did try and get
the old crew back together,

but, um, they hadn't really weathered
as well as me.

Reggie Mental.

He can't drum any more. His back's gone.

He's on painkillers
and physio, permanently, you know.

He's basically an invalid now.

From that.

Jack.

He's married now with four kids.
Look at him there.

Under the thumb.

I bumped into him in Reading,
down the Oracle.

And he was shopping with his wife,
holding hands with kids,

carrying shopping,
papoose with a new baby in it.

And he looked at me,

and he didn't literally say it out loud,
because his wife was there,

but I could see in his eyes,
he was saying, "Kill me."

From that.

And the saddest of all... Mammogram.

Real name, Craig Monkford.

Wow, great guy. Brilliant guitarist.

Life and soul of the party.
And he knew how to party.

His nickname is from the fact

that he'd always turn up to your door
with a different girl with big boobs.

So, nothing to do with cancer, um...

But he is now doing two years
for 11 different counts of sexual assault.

Hiya.

Saturday, innit? So...

Rehearsals.
Yeah, this is where it all happens.

This is the last one, actually,
before the tour.

That's all booked.

Well, I got six or seven gigs in.

Still a few gaps. I'll be filling those.

There are guys here
looking for opportunities.

Um...

If not, I'll have a day off.

That always helps with the old tonsils.

So...

Anyway...

Keep the noise down. Nah, turn it up.

Let's rock.

Yeah, boom, that's perfect.
And then, like, eight bars of this. Yeah?

Whassup?

Come on, let's do some work now then.

Here's the band.
Foregone Conclusion, Mark ll.

- He's not in it. He's just, you know...
- We're just gonna, um, finish this.

Yeah, let's do some...
Let's do some... You know him.

Look. He's already at work.
I gave him the gig.

Stu Monkford.

Mammogram's nephew
I was telling you about.

What do you call a bloke
who hangs round with musicians?

The drummer.

Andy. We have got Mike and Steve.
They're brothers.

Don't look alike, do they?
The beard's different.

I guess like with most session musicians,
you get, like, a call...

gets put in to your agent,
and they, um, you know, say,

"Are you available?
Is it something you actually wanna do?"

Um, in this case, not particularly,

but at the same time, you know,
you go where the money goes

because you can't ever guarantee
when the next lot of work's gonna come in.

For us, it's just, you know, we're out,
and we're getting paid, and we're playing.

Let's do it. Let's rock.

What shall we do? Let's do, um, Ooh La La.

- I'm not in that one.
- He's not in this one.

Starts with an acoustic.

# Sold my shack in Memphis

# Bought me a Chevrolet

# Six string in the back
And a bottle of Jack

# And I headed down to Mexico Way

# Singing ooh la la la

# Ooh la la la la lay

# Ooh la la la la la la la

# It's a beautiful day #

Okay. Let's do it.

I'll send a cheque over.

I've been putting
all the gigs in, you know.

Hopefully I'll get
a solid three-week block.

I'll get to work on it, promoting it.

That we can build, and get A&R along.

Um, but, you know, the...
the tour's shaping up.

I'm the artist and the manager.

I have to book the hotels.

The old credit card has taken
a bit of a hammering.

My flexible friend.

Yeah, um...

They're gonna be gutted when I'm gone.

But at the same time,
they know it's what I want and deserve.

Hence, they're gonna be happy for me.
So, mixed emotions.

Right, I better say goodbye to everyone
before I... jet off.

Um, I hope they haven't made a big fuss.

You know what I mean?
It's not like I'm going forever.

Even if I get signed,
I'm gonna pop in. But...

Oh...

See you later, guys. I'm off on tour.

Keep selling. Where's Nigel?

- He's out selling.
- Is he?

- Is he really?
- Yeah.

- Where is he?
- Maidenhead.

All right. Good.

Ah, thought so. You...

We did this to Pete Gibbons.

He thought we hadn't done anything,

and we got a massive whip-round going,
and we, um, we got him a...

"Break a leg, Pauline."
It is just from you, is it?

- Yeah.
- All right.

It's exciting, really, for him.

The office is gonna be a bit quiet

which is gonna be a shame.

Brings a little sparkle.

- Is he really out selling?
- Yeah.

- Is he?
- Yeah.

When he walks in,
you don't know what he's gonna say,

and... he does brighten up
my day a little bit.

Is Nigel out selling?

He might try to be funny,

and not... maybe people
don't find him funny, but I do.

Right. That's 'cause I said to him
I don't want a fuss, so he went...

So he didn't, er...

First gig, Monday.

Have a nice time.

Yeah. Right.

See you.

Oh...

- See you later.
- Bye.

Bye. Bye.

This isn't like, you know,
when I left Wernham Hogg.

I was the head of that family.
A lot more emotional for everyone.

Being made redundant,
and the whole fame thing,

that got to me a bit.

I had a nervous breakdown.

I spent a little bit of time in a...
a facility.

Voluntary, you know.

But, nah, not for me.

I practice the ancient medical art
of "bloody pull yourself together, mate".

So, I was on Prozac for about six months.

Er, ballooned up to about 16 stone
at one point.

I'd given up.

The lads started calling me
Brentasaurus. All good fun.

Not at the time. I burst into tears...
and wanted to kill myself.

But I turned it round, you know.

Got fit.

Inside and out.

- Hi.
- Hi, David.

Hi, Sandra.

And I found myself again, you know,

and I started to do what I do best,
entertain.

Triple threat. Music, comedy, wisdom.

- Would you like to go out for a coffee?
- No.

- She is mental, isn't she?
- Well...

A proper loon. A dead bee.

- How are you?
- Brilliant. Never felt better.

Happiest I've been, probably,
doing these sessions with a professional.

Now I decided to sort everything out.

Body, mind, and spirit. I've done that,
so... I'm empowered now.

Power in the, not the political sense,
or, you know...

but I mean, inner strength.

That's what I think it is.
Mind power, really, isn't it?

It's willpower, um...

And, uh, you know, am I a free willist?
I'm a do-as-thou-willist.

So, it does make...
It makes sense up there...

- David...
- Go on.

- Have you had the dream again?
- No.

No.

So what do you wanna talk about? Shoot.

- Don't read anything into that.
- Okay...

No, I just thought...
When I said it, I thought of...

Don't matter.

Okay, um...
So what do you want to talk about?

- That's what we're here for, so...
- The band.

- The band? Of course. Okay.
- Yeah.

- Tell me about the band.
- That's what's happening.

- Yeah?
- We're going on tour. Great bunch of guys.

And we're... I've booked some gigs.

Taken the time off work,

and gonna get A&R people along,
get signed, put an album out.

- Mmm-hmm. Can I ask you a question?
- Go on.

What happens
if you don't get a record deal?

- Failure is not an option.
- Well, it is, David, isn't it?

She's meant to big me up...
make me feel better.

But it's all like,
"Oh, what if you fail? Be prepared."

What a downer.
She doesn't mind me throwing money at her.

At least I enjoy my music.
Do you know what I mean?

She makes me nervous.
She's always writing notes.

And I'm thinking, "What's she writing?"

She could write anything.
"He's a pervert. He's a loser."

Gives me the creeps to be honest...

Next week, yeah. See you later.

Bye.

That's the tour outfit.

I try to incorporate
all my influences there, really.

It's a bit new romantic but modern.

A bit Bublé. A bit David Essex.

We're nearly there.

Off on tour. Getting everything ready.

Yeah, I get a sort of adrenaline rush
when I think about it.

And that's not fear.
That's like, "Let's do this."

Let's book a string of gigs.

Book a tour bus. Beautiful tour bus.

Top-of-the-range. State-of-the-art.

Air-conditioning, bunks.

It's like a party on wheels.

Oh God, I hope we get some sleep.

I'm up and down the country
all the time, you know.

On the road is where I really come alive.

So, just swapping the old Insignia
for the tour bus.

Here we go!

Oh...

Whassup?

See you later.

Ah...

There's not a lot of room on there,

so we think it's better I follow behind.

Good idea, in a way.

Whassup...

Quite expensive, that bus.

So, I think they'll enjoy it.

No, it's right that the lead singer
gets his own vehicle.

I think they're thinking of me...

If my headspace is right,
then the performance is better.

Clever.

Hotel.

Oh, life on the road. Love it.

It's all here.

Tea, coffee, TV, bed.

Just wanna sit down.

Desk, mirror.

Look at that.

It's all here.

Ah, all right.

Sound check.

I love sound checks.

Checking all the sound and...

I love being backstage.

And the band have insisted
I have my own dressing room, which is...

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Oh, my days.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Let's go and say hello.

Drugs raid!

Your faces...

No.

They don't do drugs.

Unless you count alcohol.
That is a drug, innit? So...

That's what makes me laugh,
all this, "Ban marijuana."

Shut up.

Ban it? Why? It's a drug, yeah?

So is your white wine.

Just a bit of weed.

Likkle bit of herb, innit?

- What, you just chilling out?
- Yeah.

Don't blame you.

I think I'm gonna go and...

See you later.

That's bad, innit?

- Do you wanna close it?
- Huh?

- Just close the door.
- Yeah.

That needs oiling.

Can we get a bit of bass?

Two.

Two. One, two.

One, two. Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah! Let's go and get some beers.

You might as well stay up there,
as you're on in two minutes.

Really?

- When do they open the doors?
- They're open.

No one's come through
to see the first band on.

For... We, uh...

Well, can you tell them
they can come in for free?

- Well, you won't make any money, then.
- I know, but we want a crowd, don't we?

All right.

Oh, God.

I haven't even time
to change into my stage gear.

It's good that I'm always
sort of dressed for rock, isn't it?

- Double denim?
- Yeah.

- I never double denim.
- Always double denim.

Here they come. Come on in.

Welcome to Foregone Conclusion, Mark ll.

Not the original band. Um, long story.

Little bit of trivia though.

Mammogram's nephew, Stu Monkford.

Yeah. Got all his uncle's skills.
Not the sexual assault.

He hasn't any... Not yet, anyway.

His uncle didn't start till he was 40,
which is weird.

But as of now,
this dude has not raped anyone.

Just do the songs, David.

# Sold my shack in Memphis

# Bought me a Chevrolet

# Six string in the back
And a bottle of Jack

# And I headed down to Mexico way

# Singing ooh la la la

# Ooh la la la la lay

# Ooh la la la la la la la

# It's a beautiful day #

Guitar solo.

Back to back.

He went down. Tried to style it out.

Just can't believe it.

- I fell over.
- Yeah, I know.

- Do you think they noticed?
- Yes.

I'm spending three weeks of my life
on tour with this guy.

Here we go again.

# I work so hard
Just to pay my bills

# I play even harder
Yeah, life kills

# Now I'm burnin' rubber on the M25

# Got a crazy weekend

# Some of us won't make it out alive

# 'Cause this is my day

# Thank fuck it's Friday #

"I was worried about this tour,"
he admits.

Yeah. "What if it's a failure?
What if no one comes?

- "What if I haven't got what it takes?"
- Yeah.

And then, the ghost of Alexander O'Neal
visited me in a dream one night,

and said, "You have got what it takes,
and you owe it to the world to do this."

So...

But you know that was just
you thinking that, don't you?

I was dreaming it.

Well, either way, the ghost
of Alexander O'Neal didn't really come.

Hang on, Alexander O'Neal
isn't even dead, is he?

- Luther Vandross.
- Oh, okay.

It was Luther Vandross, not Alexander,
who is dead,

and one of the best
soul singers that's ever lived.

Or am I...

No, he's good.

- He's good.
- Ooh, from the horse's mouth.

So...

Okay, and did Luther
give you any other advice?

Did he talk about what it was costing?

- Did he...
- No, he just said it's gonna keep going.

So I think that means
this tour is gonna get better and better.

- It's not really a tour, though, is it?
- Well...

It's like seven or eight random gigs
over a three-week period.

Well, I couldn't fill all the dates.

But I'm gonna use that time
to create a buzz.

It's about...
It's the whole package with me.

Yeah, but this tour of yours
is over such a contained area

that we end up staying in these hotels,

and you could just drive to each gig.

You know, last night,

the drive from the gig to this hotel
was further than it was to your house.

That's the whole package.
That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, and do you know how many tickets
we've sold for the next gig?

- Do you wanna have a guess?
- Not many. But don't worry about that,

because I've secured an interview
on a radio station to sort all that out.

- Radio 1?
- No.

- Absolute?
- No.

- Is it Capital...
- Tadley FM.

# I lost my heart to a lady gypsy

# So long ago I forget her name

# But I still remember
The smell of the flowers

# And the way my life
Would never be the same #

Okay.

That was Lady Gypsy
by the chap sitting in front of me.

Now, you've never heard that track before
because it's never been released.

And it's never been released
because he doesn't have a record deal.

Mmm, who could that be?

Well, you've probably never heard of him.

But, uh, stars from reality TV shows,

such as Made In Chelsea
and The Only Way Is Essex,

they're household names these days.

But I am sitting with one
of the original docu-soap stars,

- David Brent.
- Hello.

Now, for our listeners
who've completely forgotten who you are,

which I certainly have. My bad. Sorry.

Or who weren't even born
when The Office was on TV.

You were part of a BBC Two documentary

that followed the life
of a paper merchant in Slough,

- called Wernham Hogg.
- Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

It was a bit like The Call Centre,
and you were a Neville of its day.

Well, I was the regional manager...

And how did it feel when people
were just walking around, going,

"Oh, my God, that manager,
he's such an... idiot"?

Well, you know...

- Didn't care?
- No, because...

- You weren't embarrassed?
- No, 'cause not everyone was saying that...

Not even a little bit? Quite embarrassing.

No, because a lot of people
thought it was very entertaining...

- Yeah, we love a loser, don't we?
- Yeah...

Well, anyway, so you're back,
and you're giving it another go.

Are you hoping to change
people's opinions of you this time?

- I'm not doing that any more...
- I'll tell you what.

Seeing as you're here,
can we just play "Sausage or Pie"?

- What is that?
- Uh, we play it with all of our guests.

Basically, I say a manufacturer's name,
and you tell me if it's a sausage or a pie.

- Right. Okay.
- Okay?

Now, you've got seven to knock
Christopher Biggins off the top spot.

Now that guy really knows his sausages
and his pies!

- Okay.
- Okay!

- You ready? Pukka?
- Yeah. Okay.

No, that's wrong. I gotta take
your first answer. It's actually...

I didn't know it was a question.
I thought it was...

- Fray Bentos?
- Pie.

Very good. Johnsonville?

- Pie.
- Wrong.

It's a sausage. Sorry.
The clue was in the title, mate.

Right. Okay.

You're level with Todd Carty.
Okay. Wing Wah?

- Pie.
- Sausage again.

- I'm sorry...
- Where did you get him from?

- I thought he'd be good at this.
- No, it's just that it's not...

Oh, we're out of time, I'm afraid.

So, I didn't even mention the gig.

And that was the whole point
of doing this.

Sixteen tickets sold.

Waste of time.

And you only got one point
on "Sausage or Pie".

I don't care about that shit!

People often say to me, they say,
"Oi, Brent, you're a philosopher.

"You're a leader of men.

"You're a great comedic mind.

"But is there anything
you won't joke about?"

And I always say, "Yes, the handicapped".

So I will not laugh at them.

Or with them, just to be sure.

Also, you might get in trouble.

And that's in this.
It's sort of a warning.

Part of the problem
is the fact that he explains

- every single lyric.
- Every single lyric.

- We can't just play a song.
- Which... No.

They don't really
need explaining, do they?

And we have to sit there
with our instruments,

- waiting for the song to start.
- Yeah, it's...

- That's so... Yea.
- It's excruciating.

# Oh, please don't make fun
Of the disableds

# There's nothing funny about those

# Whether mental in the head

# Or mental in the legs

We've been in a lot of bands together,

and I'd say David is, sort of,
the personification of...

all of our most embarrassing moments ever,
being in bands...

Yeah.

- ...magnified by about a hundred.
- Yeah.

# Please be kind
To the ones with feeble minds

# Help the awkward through a door

# Hold their hand

# If they've got one, understand

# You might have to feed

# The worst ones

# Through a straw

# It's basically a head on a pillow

# Head on a pillow
Head on a pillow

# Oh, please don't make fun
Of the disabled

# There's nothing funny about those

# Whether mental in the head

# Or mental in the legs

# Doesn't mean their sorrow doesn't show

# Oh, no, no, no

# Oh, no, no, no #

It's for that little guy there.

Well done. Welcome.

No one's coming to the gigs.
Fundamentally, that's the main problem.

David's idea of problem solving,

is just to throw more money at it.

I don't know what to do with him.

Speculate to accumulate. It's business.

I'm thinking of spending more money
'cause it's so worth it.

- But if no one's coming to the gigs...
- I'll get people to come to the gig.

I'll pay someone to get people
to come to the gig. I will... PR.

This is like Brewster's Millions.

That's what I'm gonna do next. Get a PR.

- Can you do cash?
- Yes.

- Cash in hand?
- Like this.

What sort of stuff you looking for, then?

Radio interviews, press interviews,
profile pieces.

First of all, let's get you noticed.

Yeah.

- Image. Sex.
- Yeah.

- Publicity shots.
- Let's do it.

- Do you know any good photographers?
- It'll cost you if you want a real one.

- Yeah? What do you think?
- Oh, it's all so old-fashioned.

- What do you mean?
- Take your shirt off. Be like Beckham.

Okay.

- Oh, no, that's awful.
- What?

When was the last time
you shaved your back?

About a week ago.

You haven't even got any tattoos.

Yeah, I've been thinking about
getting a tattoo for bloody years.

Um, but when you're the office manager,

or representing
a cleaning products company,

you've got to present a certain image.

So I give them the squeaky-clean image.

If they saw me at the weekend,
they'd blow a fuse.

Yeah.

I was gonna have "Slough,"
um, but that didn't tell the whole story.

'Cause originally I'm from Reading,
and I didn't wanna piss off that crew.

Likewise, I didn't wanna have "Reading"

because, uh, the Slough posse
would be like, "Oh, you traitor".

So, um, yeah, I went with something
that's sort of all-encompassing,

um, to show the scope
of what I'm trying to do.

Sky is the limit.

Uh, I went with "Berkshire".
You know, keep everyone happy.

But, uh, I'm not good...
with needles or pain.

It is painful. It is painful.

Are you nearly done?

- About halfway.
- Halfway? Come on.

- Do you wanna see it?
- Nah.

- Go on. Have a look.
- No, no, no. Just do it.

- Just see if you like it.
- I will like it.

Just... I'm just saying,
just finish it, and let's, um...

Oh, what's that? Is that blood?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, fella. Easy. Sonia, give us a hand.

Haresh.

- I said I didn't wanna look, didn't I?
- All right.

Have some water.

That's it. I'm not doing any more.

- No, no. Come on. We'll finish it up.
- No, no, no.

No, that's it.
No, we're not gonna finish it up.

At least let me clean it for you.

I said I didn't wanna look, you
made me look, and that's what happens.

I'll get a plaster on that.

It's good, innit?

That's there forever.

"You got any tattoos, David?" "Yeah."

"Can I have a look?" "Yeah."

Onwards and upwards.

I'm looking forward
to the next gig, actually,

'cause it's a student union.

And it's, um, a guaranteed crowd.

It's their big Saturday night.

So, er,
yeah, let's show them what we can do.

Here they are. The rabble.

I beat 'em here easy. The old Insignia.

Sat nav. So...

What kept you?

This way.

Uh-oh.

My ugly mug.

"David Brent. Shite Night"?

Why have they... That's...

"The crappiest entertainment
of the past 50 years."

Fuck's sake, David.

Well, I didn't do it, did I?

They're pissed off with me.

Like I made the poster.

It wasn't their head
on a piece of dog shit, was it?

It was mine, so...

I can't do anything right.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

# Agadou dou dou dou

# Push pineapple shake the tree

# Agadou dou dou dou

# Push pineapple grind coffee #

Come in.

Oh, embarrassing. You caught me.

Well, I didn't catch you. I knocked.

- You said, "Come in".
- Yeah, sorry.

Totally lost in the art of kata.

Er, Japanese.

- So...
- Right.

- Do you do it?
- What?

- Martial arts?
- No.

- You're on in ten minutes. Right.
- You should.

Wado-Ryu would suit you
'cause you're wiry.

So what you lack in power,

you make up for in range and flexibility.

My problem is I'm literally all power.

So Shotokan. One punch.

So it's like,
"Oi, mate, I don't want any trouble."

"Well, I do." "Oh, sorry."

"Ooh, night-night, sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.

"Sorry about the teeth.
I know a good dentist, Dr. Gupta.

"Tell him Brent sent you.
He'll know what happened."

- I'm gonna wait outside.
- See you later.

You all students?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, thought so.

You just got up?
You know, in time for countdown.

Um, who wants a T-shirt?

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

We're selling these,
but I'm gonna give one away now.

Look at this.

Say hello to my little friend. Scarface.

Yeah!

Let's get this party started. Now...

Chris Martin's best friend is Jay Z.

Frank Sinatra had Sammy Davis, Jr.

I've got one, too.

Please welcome Dom Johnson. Whoo!

Black. Well, mixed race.

I'm only actually used, when you
check it, on like two or three songs.

And it's his dad that's the white one.

You know, the rest of the time, I'm just
standing around at the side of the stage.

Watching his back
and the audience's faces.

This one's called Equality Street.

Ah!

# Let me take you down Equality Street #

I'm starting to regret
having taken this on.

I'm sorry, lads. It's a complete joke.

I don't think any of us
could have predicted...

Just how mental he is.

It's our reputation, innit.
That's the problem.

What we gonna... Who's gonna take us on?

# Deyo, deyo, deyo, me say deyo

# Biddly, biddly, biddly, biddly,
Biddly, biddly, bong yo #

He just has me rapping
about a lot of weird shit, you know,

that I personally
wouldn't normally rap about.

# Black people aren't crazy

# Fat people aren't lazy

# And dwarves aren't babies

# You can't just pick 'em up

# They got rights

# And anyway don't assume you could

# They're not light #

Hiya. Hiya.

I'm no Lothario, believe me,

but, um, he is the worst person, um,
around women I think I've ever seen.

My mum used to say
there's someone out there for everyone.

And I think for David especially,
it's important to believe that.

Because... you just gotta
hope and pray deep down

that there's somebody out there

who's just totally given up on life
that could make him very happy.

It's just...

Excuse me. Can we have the bill, please?

- Oh, shall I put it on your room?
- Rooms. We're not... Separate rooms.

- So you want separate bills?
- No, no, no. Put it on my room, 106.

But "no" that we're not...
I wouldn't. Not with him.

And not because he's a black man.

Because he's a man.

I'd do it with a black woman, for example.

Not you.

Well, yes, you. Yeah.

If you were consenting
and above legal age,

which you obviously are.

Not obviously.

So...

As soon as he's around women,

it's like he can't relax, you know,
and that's all he needs to do.

Thirty-five.
So let's make that 50, shall we?

£15 tip.

Think what I'd spend on her
if we were having intercourse.

Suddenly something just switches.

It's like a wall of Jenga that just...
It just crumbles.

She's happy.

There's a moment you can just hear
his body collapse.

It's bizarre.

Hello, Lavichem.

Brentmeister.

Hello? Battersea Home
for Retired Penguins. Maurice speaking.

- I'm depressed.
- Oh, what's up?

The gigs are shit,
the band don't talk to me,

can't get anyone along.

This is my last chance, you know.

If I don't get signed now...

I'm running out of money
and I'm running out of time.

- I'm so fed up.
- Come on, mate.

This ain't like you.

You remember what you said to me once?

"It's not how hard you can hit,

"it's how hard you can get hit
and still keep moving forward."

It's from Rocky, mate. It's from Rocky.

Yeah... but when you said it,
it made me think about life.

Whereas he was just talking about boxing.

No, he meant it metaphorically
in the movie, so...

- Yeah. Still, though, innit?
- Don't tell anyone about this phone call.

All right then, I won't.

- See you later.
- See you later.

- Was that David?
- Uh, yeah.

- Is he okay?
- No, a bit low.

You know, rock 'n' roll pressures.

Mmm. Dear.

- Me knackers.
- Hmm?

- Well, oh, just what David says.
- Oh, yeah.

Why you no risten, sirry rady?

- Ho Lee Fuk.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Hiya.
- Hiya.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

You missing David?

I am, a bit.

Look, Nigel,
don't start playing with all that crap.

You're not in charge.

I don't think all this is good for him.

- What, the tour?
- No, this.

This documentary.

I think he's only doing it

'cause he thought it would be
better than the first time.

But it's not better, it's worse.

Why is it worse?

You know, he was the boss at Wernham Hogg.

And he worked with basically nice people.

And here he's not the boss, you know,

and it's mainly worse
because the world's worse.

It's dog eat dog.

Keep the fucking noise down.
Keep the fucking noise down, you silly cunt.

Sit fucking down, silly bollocks.

Fuck me.

Stop fucking playing up
to the cameras, yeah?

Jane, hello.

- Yes.
- Jezza?

- We will... Hang on a second, please?
- Why do you... Jezza!

- Hello.
- Why do you talk to people like that?

Why are you such a bully?

- I'm trying to fucking work, babe.
- Don't care.

So is everyone else.

He's only having a laugh. Look at him.

Another day, another dollar.

Checking in.

Want an early morning alarm call? No.

- David, we're gonna need your card.
- Yeah.

So now he's saying
we gotta save money, so...

we gotta be in a twin room. Sharing.

You know, it's... it's awkward, man.

It's just not gangsta.

Hey.

Just writing a song about the, uh, plight
of the Native American, so...

Which is a cause
very close to my heart, innit?

- Is it?
- Yeah, I'm always going on about it.

So listen.

# Oh, oh, your red heart rages

# Cut down, burned out
And put in cages

# You came in peace
Held up your hand

# How

# We cut it off
And we stole your land

# Oh, oh, Native American

# Soar like an eagle
Sit like a pelican

# Oh, oh, don't call us Indians

# We're more like West Eurasians
crossed with Siberians #

Have you been on Wikipedia?

- Have I been on what?
- Wikipedia.

Yeah. "Migrated from West Eurasia
and Siberia, 15..."

So knowledge is knowledge.

I prefer my songs
to be factually accurate.

Where's the bit about them
sitting like pelicans?

That's not in there, is it?

- Is it a fact though?
- It's an artist's opinion.

- What artist?
- Me.

Right.

- Because it sounds like a dis, though.
- It's not a dis.

Native Americans
love to be called animals.

Things like Soaring Eagle,
Running Bear, Lone Wolf.

Yeah, but that's different.
That's bears, wolves, eagles.

- They're like cool animals, bruv.
- All right.

- Pelican's like a joke bird.
- No.

It's like a little squat thing
with that fat little throat and that.

Oh... animal racist.

This next song is about
the greatest place in the world, Slough.

Everything in this song
is factually accurate.

So you might learn something as well.

# More convenient than a Tesco Express

# Close to Windsor
But the property's less

# It keeps the businesses
Of Britain great

# It's got Europe's
Biggest trading estate

# It doesn't matter where you're from

# You wanna work
Then come along

# The station's just got a new floor

# And the motorway runs by your door

# And you know just where you're headin'

# It's equidistant
'Tween London and Reading

# Oh, oh, oh, Slough

# Slough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# Oh, oh, oh, Slough #

Ooh, yeah! Slough.

Right, who wants a T-shirt? Yeah! Whoo!

Here we go.

You play a show, and just when
you think it can't get any worse,

you shoot a fat girl in the face
with a T-shirt gun.

That was just ridiculous, really,
wasn't it?

I didn't really know
whether to laugh or cry.

There's been quite a few moments
like that, I think.

There have, yeah.

Accidents will happen.

So... someone got shot in the face

by a T-shirt gun. You know,
let's not make a drama out of it.

I let her keep the T-shirt, so...
It won't fit her.

She won't get anywhere near it.

- Briony?
- What?

- What are you doing?
- Getting off with a bloke.

- What did you think of the gig?
- I didn't see it. I was getting off...

You were getting off with a bloke.
Yeah, sure.

Good, innit?

Paying them... to get off with people.

It's a new job description, innit?

All aboard.

What if I did that? What if I just got off
with people all the time?

Willy-nilly.

Cheers.

...stay at his house
because you won't sort yourself out.

- Hiya.
- All right?

Just getting some cash out
to go to a club?

Yeah.

For a drink? No need.

I've just played here. I'm in a band.

They're doing a documentary about me.

So I'm staying in a... In a hotel.

So if you wanna come back for a drink,

I got a minibar and it's...

Can we stay?

Yep.

So...

We got beer, wine.

- Was that champagne?
- Yeah, but it's 25 quid

and they're just half bottles,
so it's not worth it.

- There's two half bottles though.
- Yeah, exactly. So 50 then.

Oh, there's Toblerone.

- Yeah, they're a fiver each. Two, tenner.
- Give me one.

Sixty so far. That's good, innit?

- It's great.
- Yeah.

Straight in the Toblerone, eh?

- Have you not eaten?
- Not since dinner.

- Here we go.
- Yeah. Come on, party.

Get that down you.

- Chocolate, champagne.
- Cheers.

Cheers. Right.

Cheers.

I like it here.

- Take your jackets off.
- Yeah, I will, actually.

- I haven't got any clean pants.
- Huh?

She hasn't got any clean pants.

Oh, it's hot.

It is hot.

Put them on the radiator.

So, what do you two do?

Work in an office.

Do you?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Office.

I still think there's
some mouthwash if you...

- No, I'm all right.
- What is it?

Just chocolate and crisps and nuts...

- Yeah, peanuts.
- ...and it's stuck in your teeth, is it?

- No.
- Nightmare, aren't they?

Yeah, pain, ain't they?

Gets worse when you get older
and then you get that sort of smell.

Yeah.

- Nothing happened.
- Huh?

Just saying... Nothing happened.
She slept in that bed. Didn't you?

- Ate her way through the minibar.
- What?

You had a little picnic last night,
didn't you?

- With the chocolate and crisps?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Bit constipated today, though.

Yes, you would be.

So, there you go.
Good one, the other one, left. Left to...

Apparently, just wanted to stay somewhere
'cause her flat's being done, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit of a bomb site
at the moment.

The council are putting a new bathroom in.
But it was nice to have a lie-in...

- Yeah.
- ...and have a lovely bath.

So perfect.

Oh...

Hiya. Right, okay.

So, nothing happened. Okay?

- Is that a woman?
- 'Course it's a woman.

She stayed in that bed, and she
made her way through that little lot.

- She ate all of that?
- Yes.

- She's gonna be constipated.
- She is.

If you tell the band
I got off with a bird...

- But you didn't.
- No. No.

But if you want to do
some banter with them, like,

"Oh, David got off with a girl
last night." And don't...

- No. I just won't say anything.
- You can, but listen.

Just don't describe her. Okay?
Don't be specific...

- I'm off here, David.
- See you later. Yeah.

- Okay. Thanks for the snack and that.
- Not a problem.

I'll... Snack, yeah. I'll clean that up.

All right.

- Okay. Ta-ta, then.
- Bye.

So, what... So, yeah. Yeah.

My good deed for the... £200 good deed.

Pop that in your little expense account,
shall we?

A daily ritual is phoning around
all the record companies,

just trying to get one of them
to come down and see you live.

Half the time, they're not there.

Half the time we don't get through.

I managed to get one of them to bite

by pretending to be
the manager of my own band.

Which I am, in a way.

- What are they called?
- Foregone Conclusion.

- Awful name. Yeah.
- I told them that.

I'm gonna make them change it.
Don't worry about that.

- But don't hold that against them.
- Mmm-hmm.

- They're a good bunch of guys.
- Sure.

- So, yeah.
- Sure. Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll get one of the scouts to listen
to the demo, and he can pop down.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Right, see you. Yep. Bye.
- Cheers.

Right. Off to the sound check.
I can't wait to tell Dom.

This is what it's all about, so...

The venue, isn't it?

Oh, God. Hi, boys.

Ah...

Has he been telling everyone I got off
with a bird last night?

Oh, what, the big one?
Yeah, we saw her. She was at breakfast.

She was loading up on eggs.

Oh, man, that's gonna make her
even more constipated.

- Yeah, eggs.
- Dan?

I'm coming.

Er...

Don't tell the boys,
I don't wanna stress them,

but I've been winding up a record company
and they're sending someone down.

- Tonight?
- Yeah. I said,

"Cruise down. I'll stick you on the list."

So, uh, you might wanna let them know
they are with a winner.

I thought you said
I shouldn't tell the band?

No, I know. I don't wanna,
you know, worry 'em

'cause they're probably
not used to the big league,

but, you know, let them know
there is a big buzz around Mr D. Brent,

ipso facto, anyone on his team.

- Don't you wanna tell them?
- No.

They don't talk to me.

They don't even have a drink with me,
do they?

Why don't they have a drink with me
after the gig?

You know, I am paying them.
Tell them to have a drink with me.

It's just rude. Just go and ask them.
Let's have a drink tonight.

Oh...

He's excited. Gonna tell the band.

They said, um, that you pay
for their stage time and rehearsal time,

but their time is their own
and, um, you're not paying for that. So...

Okay. Would they have a drink with me
if I paid them for their time

to have a drink with me? Go and ask.

This is what David is.

He's like the boy that owns the football

but he doesn't really know
the rules of the game.

It's his ball, right? So you have to...
You can't play without him.

You know what I'm saying? But you kinda
know he's gonna ruin it a little bit.

They said, uh, they'll drink with you
for 25 quid an hour each.

Um, but you buy the drinks.

Okay. Tell them to meet me
in the hotel bar after the gig.

All right. Do I have to come?

You wanna come.

- But I'm not getting paid?
- No. No.

And tell them not to tell anyone
I'm paying them to have a drink.

Just... have a...

Oh...

Trying to organise
some beers after to celebrate, so...

Hi. Should be on the list
for Foregone Conclusion.

- Toke Records.
- Hello.

- David Brent.
- Oh, hi.

Thanks for coming down. What's your name?

- Pog.
- Pog?

- Yeah, and this is my mate, Jeremy.
- Hi.

These dudes are on my list. Tick 'em off.

So, uh, did you hear the demo, yeah?

No. How old are the band?

What, combined?

- What?
- They're about...

There's four of 'em, 25 years old each.
I don't know, 100?

Plus the lead singer.

- You do the maths.
- Is the lead singer cool?

You do the... judge of that
when you see him.

And ask yourself,
"Is Mick Jagger cool, 73?

"Is Bob Dylan cool, 75?

- "Is Sting cool?"
- No.

- What?
- Sting isn't cool.

Oh...

Check it out. Listen.

Open your mind and listen.
You'll enjoy it.

Have a good one.

Cheers, man.

Fucking hell. How old is he? About 12?

Chill out, dude. This is rock 'n' roll.

And Sting is cool.

Ooh!

Yeah.

We are Foregone Conclusion.

Okay, we got a little treat now.
We are gonna get a little bit funky.

Um, I say a little bit,
but probably too funky for some.

This one is called Ain't No Trouble.
It's through the eyes of an old Rasta.

- Don't do the voice.
- You gotta do the voice.

- No, you don't.
- You do.

So it's sort of like he's saying,
"Oh, whatever happens to me,

"as long as I've got me woman, you know,
you can do what you like, Lord."

So, it's sort of like a message.

Called Ain't No Trouble.

I mean, you think it's painful to watch.

Yeah, I have to stand on the stage
next to him while he's doing it.

It's what the dreads in UB40
have been going through for 30 years.

# I can work all day
Just to earn a dollar

# I can break my bones
You never hear me holler

# I can lose my home
I'm kicked out in the street

# If my baby's by my side
Then life is sweet #

Maybe 'cause I'm there,
he wants to play up to it

or he wants to be accepted.

But I think people would accept him
if he just was himself.

# I could lose my job

# But it would be fine

# 'Cause I could still find
The odd snob to rob

# I could get chucked out

# Of my mum's house
But it could be fun

# Sleeping rough
When the sun's out

# I could lose my voice

# But I'd manage to still do

# Some sick rhyme damage
With sign language

# You can take what's mine

# Almost anything
X-Box, wedding ring, fish tank, terrapin

# Poke me in the eyeball, pull out a gun
Say something spiteful about my mum

# Tease my dog
So he doesn't even know it

# By going to throw a bone
But just pretending to throw it

# Make death threats, yeah
Then I have to guess where

# Then when I get there
Pull out my chest hair

# Head-butt me in the nuts if you want

# 'Cause ain't no trouble
Like losing the one you love

- # Ain't no trouble like trouble
- # Yeah, yeah

- # When you lose the one you love
- # Come on, come on

- # Ain't no trouble like trouble
- # Yeah, yeah

- # When you lose the one you love
- # Come on, come on #

What did you think?

Dreadful. Embarrassing.
I mean, the rap was all right, but...

not with some middle-aged uncle
at a wedding dancing around.

# Then I see this face
And she smiles at me

# If I died right then... #

He's excruciating, uh, on stage and off.

And now we gotta go and have a drink
with him, you know. I mean, it's awkward.

Oh, right. Okay.

Hey.

After show.

- Cheers, David.
- Thanks, man.

- Cheers.
- Cheers. Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers, mate.

Nice.

God.

Twitter. Or texting.

It's all social media, isn't it?

The iPhone, the iPod...

Ten thousand songs
in the palm of your hand, yeah?

Yes, please.

No more lugging round me albums.
Let's play a record. Let's get it out.

God, let's get it out the sleeve.

- I like vinyl.
- I like vinyl.

Yeah, I love the whole thing
of the paraphernalia.

Oh, Arctic Monkeys. Yeah. Stylus.

Oh, I love this one.

- You do like it?
- Yeah.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Especially if it is something
like the Arctic Monkeys or...

Foo Fighters.

About time England won a World Cup, innit?

- Yeah.
- 1966. Sort it out.

There's some fresh blood
coming through the ranks now, though.

Got some good players.
They need to be managed, though.

Sturridge.

Yeah, come and play for us, boy.

Not all this thing,
"You can't have foreign players".

- Well, he was born in England.
- No, I know. But it's like...

You can't have foreign players
in an international team.

- No.
- It's just for clubs.

I know. I'm saying get him in,
get him up front. Let's get some goals.

- Dom? Bob Marley.
- Hmm?

Am I right?

Yeah.

Mmm.

- Same again?
- No, I can't.

- No? See you later.
- Cheers.

- Thanks for the drinks, David.
- Yeah, not a problem, mate.

See you tomorrow. Lightweights.

- Where are you going?
- I just...

- No, we're gonna have another one.
- Really?

We're gonna have a laugh.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

You're the only one who cares,
if I'm being honest.

- Cheers, man.
- Yeah.

- You're my nigga.
- Whoa!

- Hey, David, you can't say that.
- You are.

- You are my real nigga.
- Stop... You don't say that.

- What?
- Listen. You can't say that.

I can say it, maybe. You can't say it.

- Well you call me it, then.
- I'm not gonna...

- Call me a nigga. Please.
- I'm not gonna call you...

- I'm not gonna do that.
- Call me a nigga.

- Just, shh, okay...
- Call me a nigga.

Stop saying that.

- You're... you're my nigga. Okay?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Cheers.

Great, go to bed. Jesus.

- That's your credit card.
- What?

- That's your credit card.
- It's not working.

It's a credit... It's not...

Cool, dudes.

Battle of the Bands, innit?

A great night.
They do it every month, you know.

Each band gets along as many of their fans
as they can to watch them.

The promoter gets down
some record companies.

And we battle it out.

It's not a competition.
You know, we could all get signed.

Um, but you do go on in order
of how many people you got along.

So the more you get along,
the later you go on,

and a better warmed up crowd you play to.

- Right, you're on first, guys.
- Great.

How many people did we get?

- Doesn't matter.
- Two.

Glad I said it didn't matter
before I found out.

So, proves I'm telling the truth.

- That's so depressing.
- He's joking, ain't you?

No point in playing to the converted
all the time.

Let's get on there
and win over the other bands' fans.

- Come on, chop-chop.
- Yeah. Ah, whoo!

Come on.

Hello. Oh...

We are Foregone Conclusion.
Come through. We're all in this together.

Doesn't matter what band
you've come to see.

Let's see all the bands, yeah?

We're gonna kick off with a song
called Native American.

Um...

Typical Brent,
getting political straight away.

No, it's all about how the white man went

and, sort of, slaughtered them
and enslaved them.

And it's about time
someone said something, so...

Guilty.

Although they are having the last laugh.

So they can do what they like now
in them reservations, can't they?

Gambling, prostitution, probably.
I don't know.

But definitely gambling.
Swings and roundabouts.

I don't think they pay tax, do they?

- Stop talking. Let's just do the song.
- Yeah.

And, uh, you'll also learn why they don't
like being called Red Indians any more.

So, Native American.

I don't think there's
any real racism on David's part.

I just think he just doesn't quite get it,
does he?

Yeah, totally.

# White man's eyes too blind to see

# A gentle race so wild and free

# They called you savages
Called you bad

# But the scalping thing
Was only when you got real mad

# So

# Oh, oh
Native American

# Soar like an eagle
Sit like a pelican

# Oh, oh, don't call us Indians

# We're more like West Eurasians
Crossed with Siberians

Everyone.

# Oh, oh
Native American

# Soar like an eagle
Sit like a pelican #

Wasn't great, but would have been better.
There was a little surprise.

Dom was meant to come on
during Native American and didn't.

Why didn't you come on?

- I couldn't.
- Why not?

Something came over me.

- Ooh, stage fright?
- No, dignity.

Don't think you can get more dignified
than a great warrior, so...

I'm not even a Native American.

No, you're the closest thing we've got,
and that's a fact. So...

Okay, Madonna Kebab have pulled out.

- Anyone wanna go on early?
- We're not going on early.

We can go on again.
We've got loads of songs.

- No, you're all right.
- No, I can do it.

- I could do one of my tracks.
- In that?

Yeah, I got a backing track. Not in this.
I'll take this off. Two minutes.

You got your stuff now?
Come on, then. Hurry up.

- No.
- Come on, then.

You don't wanna do that.
Backing track at a Battle of the Bands.

Didn't know it was karaoke.

# Yo, I'm tired of this minimum wage

# Tired of this cage
Tired of not being on the stage

# Tired of no one reading
What I'm writing on the page

# Tired of hanging out
With guys twice my age

# But what's the use of dreams
To a human being

# If they always prove unseen

# If I am who I think I am

# Then I gotta transform
Be a better man

# And if you are who you think you are

# You should be above the clouds
You should be a star

# From what I see I'm sure it's hard

# Can we be more
Than the cards we're dealt?

Yeah!

# Yeah

# Maybe this is just the start

# Why can't we change
The cards we're dealt?

# Well, it's more real
Than anything I ever felt

# But I'm feeling like an irrelevance

# I wanna soar with eagles
Not waddle with pelicans

# Okay true
They're birds of prey, too

# But not the cool ones
You want associated with you

# Still I wouldn't mind the wingspan

# I could fly away
From always being everybody's wingman

# I'm proper different
You gotta listen

# I want a living where I got a bit more
Than a pot to piss in

# I'm about to prove
I can kick it off soon

# My time is overdue like a synagogue roof
Come on

# Na, na, na,
Na, na, na, na, na, na

Everybody, come on.

# Na, na, na,
Na, na, na, na, na, na

Come on and put your hands in the air.

# Na, na, na,
Na, na, na, na, na, na

Keep them hands in the air.
Keep them coming, come on.

# Na, na, na,
Na, na, na, na, na, na

# It's more real
Than anything I ever felt #

Thank you.

Thank you.

- What did you think?
- Ah, I wasn't really watching, mate.

I was just, um...

Er, you know...

I like the lyric
about the eagles and pelicans.

- Yeah, it's like a reference...
- Yeah, I know, yeah.

Yeah, a week ago,
you didn't like songs with pelicans in.

- No, I'm saying, I don't...
- What is going on, bruv? So...

- Hey, dude came back. Pog.
- I'm Pog.

- I, er, work for Toke Records.
- Toke Records, there it is.

- Did you write that?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Like I write the raps,
but also make little backing tracks,

like, on my laptop.

Have you ever demoed them properly?

- Yeah. We're always in the studio.
- No...

- I'm trying to mix rap with real songs.
- I do my own songs as well.

- Are you his manager?
- A bit more than that.

Yeah. Come on.

- So...
- No, I'm solo.

- Why are you lying?
- Right, yeah. Well, anyway,

- give us a call and come in for a chat.
- Will do.

- Yeah, wicked. Cheers, bruv.
- Yeah. Brilliant. Cheers.

- Let's have a look at that.
- No, it's...

What? What? I can't even look at it now?

What has gotten into you?

"Tired of this rap race...

"And that chase...

"That chase..."

Are you gonna bother calling that Pog
for a meeting?

- Yeah. Yeah, I thought I would.
- Yeah.

- Hear him out and make a decision.
- Yeah.

- Do you want me to come with you?
- No.

- No?
- No, you're all right.

So he doesn't think you're just a...

Some idiot off the street?

That you got the big boys
behind you if you want.

I just wanna go and see
what he's got to say...

- Right, and...
- ...and... Yeah.

You want them to tear you a new one,
do you?

And screw you? 'Cause that's what they do.

- Yeah?
- No.

- I'm gonna hear him out.
- No!

Ah, you're gonna hear him out, okay.

- I'm just gonna finish this line.
- Yeah.

- This verse.
- Have you got a rhyme for "gullible"?

Day off today.

I tried to get a gig in tonight
but I couldn't,

so I'm just chillaxing all day.

Not bad, is it?

So, here he is.

What are you doing today?

I'm going home.
I live about four miles away.

I'm staying. I've paid for it.

Final gig tomorrow.
I've saved the best till last. Typical.

Um, we're gonna do a Christmas song.

I've had it for a while, actually,
and it's based on a true story.

Um, I read about this, uh, orphan kid
in the local paper.

Um, he was dying and he just wanted
to stay alive till Christmas.

And this sort of imagines
me singing to him,

with all the stuff
that he's going through,

not to worry, because Santa's coming.
It's really sweet.

Um, and I've arranged for snow to fall.

Magic moment. Production value.

- David, sorry.
- Yeah.

I meant to say,
I heard back from the hire company.

Yep.

The snow is gonna cost 1,500 quid.
So, you know, not worth it really.

Well, none of it's been worth it, has it?
So...

The whole tour's been... 20 grand down.

I thought there'd be incomings.
There wasn't.

Just all outgoings.

Might as well just spend
another 1,500 quid and...

Well, no, I mean that's... Don't do that.

That's throwing good money
after bad, David.

- Just cut your losses.
- If I cut my losses...

Why? You know,
I thought it'd be a tour with a band.

It's not a band. They're not even
staying here on their day off.

They're away. No one's come to see us.

We're not gonna get signed. So...

So don't waste more money.

Why not?

What, why not? Why not what?

Do you think I'm a prat?

No. No.

I think...

To be honest, I think you're...

I think you're chasing something that...

- I can't have.
- ...that you don't need.

That's not gonna... That's not gonna help.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, I think...

You seem to think
that unless you're on stage performing,

that people aren't gonna like you.

They're probably not.

Well, then why would you wanna be liked
by people like that anyway?

You know, you don't have to be on stage
to be worth something.

And people who like you are still gonna
like you even if you're not performing.

Problem is not a lot of people like me,
do they?

Don't spend any more money
on this tour, okay? Please?

Don't cash in another pension or whatever.
I'll do the rest for free.

- The snow costs 1,500 quid, so you...
- We don't need snow, David.

We don't need it.

And... for the record, I like you.

- Yeah?
- Don't make me say it again.

- All right? Have a good day.
- See you later.

Dan's right. We don't need snow.

I'm usually really good with budgets.

But I never dreamt so few people
would wanna come along and see us.

You know, I was...

If the gigs would have sold out,
I would have only lost about eight grand.

Which is fine, particularly if a record
company would have liked us.

But...

I just wanted some shitty snow.
Just as a magic moment, you know.

# Don't cry, it's Christmas
Santa's coming soon

# Though you ain't got a mummy or daddy

# Santa still loves you

# And he's riding on his reindeer

It's been an interesting tour, this.

Um, I think we possibly took it all
a little bit too seriously

when we were in the middle of it all.

Um, but, actually, it's definitely one
of the funniest tours I've ever been on.

I quite like Brent.

# Don't cry, it's Christmas
Santa's feeling fine

# Though you know you'll never see him

# He's not just in your mind

# And it's not that he's invisible
It's because you're going blind

# But don't cry, it's Christmas
Santa's feeling fine

You know what? End of the day,
it's better than a proper job.

Like it's... it's been all right.

Few drinks, few gigs.

Could have been worse.

# Though he's got a billion children
He's only got one day

# You've got slightly less than that
If I were you I'd pray

# But don't cry, it's Christmas

# Everything's okay

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas
- # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas
- # It's Christmas

I may have been an idiot,
but I paid for the snow.

Yes, of course it's a waste of money.
It's a huge waste of money.

Um, but at least it's my money.
At least it's not more of his.

And, to be fair,
I've made more than enough out of him.

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas
- # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas
- # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas
- # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# It's Christmas #

I don't need to be a rock star, you know?

That's just something I enjoy doing.

I can live without being "a success."

But, um...

I couldn't have lived without trying.

And I did that.

So... And everything works out,
doesn't it?

You think you want one thing
along the way,

and then you realise
you needed something else.

Life's a struggle...
with little beautiful surprises

that make you wanna carry on
through all the shit

to the next little beautiful surprise.

So, yeah,

all good.

He's back.

Christ. See you, Kaz.

- Did you miss me?
- Did you have fun?

Fun's not the word.
Ooh, yeah. Yeah, it was fun.

- Here he comes.
- Come on.

What resilience from a human being.

I've never known anyone like him.

- How are you?
- Buzzing, mate.

- Good.
- Absolutely buzzing.

- Yes, mate.
- Best time of my life.

And everything worked out brilliant,
you know.

Dom's got a little record deal.

# If I am who I think I am

# Then I gotta transform
Be a better man #

Making a single. Toke Records.

I invited them down.
I said, "Come out and check out this kid".

They went, "All right". Boom.

The band are on tour with Peter Andre.

So they've fallen on their feet.

# Oh, oh, oh

# Mysterious girl
I wanna get close to you #

And I've worked out, if I do overtime,

work Saturdays
for about eight or nine months,

I can do it all again. Just call them up.

"It's back on.
We're gonna kick some more arse."

Brent? Got Bob Wonk on the phone.

- He needs jam rags ASAP.
- On it.

Simon Cowell didn't sign you up, then?

No. No.

Banta.

I feel... I do quite feel
sorry for him, to be honest.

The boys here, they're quite rude to him.

And I know he's obviously gone
on this tour and he's doing all that,

but I kinda feel like...

Sorry, I don't know
why I'm getting emotional.

I just feel like...

I can see through it sometimes.

His smiles.

I hope he does well.

They can laugh.

They're no better than me.

Just 'cause they're reps
who like being reps,

and I'm a rep
who wants to be something else.

With that attitude, they'll be reps
for the rest of their life.

I might be a rep
for the rest of my life, but...

I was a rock star once.

Useless prick now though, ain't you?

What are you good at, eh? Nothing.

Fuck.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Knobhead.

- I thought you was great.
- At what?

I came to see you play last week.

Oh, I... I didn't see you.

No, I just snuck in.
I didn't wanna put you off.

Cheers.

- Want a coffee?
- No, I'm... Got a free one coming.

Costa.

Actually, I got two coming, I think.

- Do you want one?
- Yes, please.

Two coffees, coming up.

- Shall I come with you?
- If you want. Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, trust me.
I'm already thinking of a new song.

- Just from going for coffee?
- Yeah. It's what I do.

I sort of take everyday situations,

and then I look at them
from a different perspective.

It's gonna be a Coldplay vibe, I think.
'Cause that's what Chris Martin does.

He gets really mundane things

and he makes them about the universe,
and stars, and electricity and shit, so...

- It's interesting.
- Yeah, probably stick it in C major.

- Is that your favourite chord?
- Just a bit, yeah.

Guilty.

# I was looking up to heaven

# It was right under my nose

# I had travelled many light years

# It was right across the road

# A billion trillion grains of stardust

# Floating round in space

# Two of them collided

# In an ordinary place

# We are electricity

# We will never die

# We'll just burn and burst

# And return to the sky

# This world can't contain you

# Gravity won't restrain you

# Fly with me

# High with me

# High

# We are electricity

# We will never die

# We'll just burn and burst

# And return to the sky

# We are electricity

# The universe reflects in you and me

# We're electricity

# The universe reflected

# We are electricity

# The universe reflects in you and me

# We're electricity

# Just when I least expected

# We are electricity

# The universe reflects in you and me

# We're electricity

# Just when I least expected

# Half a tank should get me to Millbank

# I fill her up and head down to Sidcup

# It's just a meeting
It's only fleeting

# It's just a pitch
And then I'm up to Ipswich

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour
But no more

# Wheeler dealing no feeling

# Strictly business
I'm killin' it in Widnes

# Then to Gloucester
I get a Costa

# Hard shoulder
Coffee holder

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour
But never more

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour
But no more

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour
But no more #