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00:00:04,984 --> 00:00:09,654
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:16,310 --> 00:00:18,124
_
3
00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:25,536
Larry, it's Leon!
4
00:00:32,312 --> 00:00:33,678
The fuck?
5
00:00:35,481 --> 00:00:36,781
What's going on, man?
6
00:00:38,217 --> 00:00:40,718
It's fucking crazy
in this fucking room.
7
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,521
What are these
motherfucking shades, man?
8
00:00:43,523 --> 00:00:45,755
Oh, my God.
9
00:00:45,757 --> 00:00:47,925
You need sunlight, man.
You turning white.
10
00:00:47,927 --> 00:00:51,528
- The fuck is going on?
- What are you doing?
11
00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:53,763
What?
I'm in a hotel.
12
00:00:53,765 --> 00:00:55,332
You think you're safe
in a hotel?
13
00:00:55,334 --> 00:00:56,867
I think I'm safer here
than in my house.
14
00:00:56,869 --> 00:00:58,001
The bottom line
is this, Larry--
15
00:00:58,003 --> 00:00:59,669
you can't
fucking hide here.
16
00:00:59,671 --> 00:01:01,305
These motherfuckers want you,
they're gonna come and get you.
17
00:01:01,307 --> 00:01:03,540
Cut your fucking hands off,
cut your feet off,
18
00:01:03,542 --> 00:01:04,741
put your feet
in your back pockets,
19
00:01:04,743 --> 00:01:06,076
put your hands
in your front pockets,
20
00:01:06,078 --> 00:01:07,311
and then carry
your ass out of here
21
00:01:07,313 --> 00:01:08,478
like a piece
of fucking luggage.
22
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,880
How are you helping?
23
00:01:09,882 --> 00:01:11,048
I'm just letting him
know what happens.
24
00:01:11,050 --> 00:01:12,316
You don't need
this shit.
25
00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:13,717
You go to your house.
No one's coming.
26
00:01:13,719 --> 00:01:16,618
I talked to the FBI guy.
He's not gonna lie.
27
00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:17,954
No one is coming.
28
00:01:17,956 --> 00:01:20,689
But I can't go back
to the house.
29
00:01:20,691 --> 00:01:23,125
I gotta move or sell the house
or something.
30
00:01:23,127 --> 00:01:25,427
No, no, no, no.
You can't fucking sell the house.
31
00:01:25,429 --> 00:01:27,063
All of my ladies know
I live there already.
32
00:01:27,065 --> 00:01:28,664
You're gonna set me back
two or three years.
33
00:01:28,666 --> 00:01:30,833
No, you fucking stay there.
You fucking stay.
34
00:01:30,835 --> 00:01:35,471
Get back to your life.
Get back on the horse now!
35
00:01:35,473 --> 00:01:37,606
- Okay, give me two minutes.
- Yeah.
36
00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:40,542
- Proud of ya.
- My man.
37
00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:06,567
Ah.
38
00:02:06,569 --> 00:02:08,904
I was there first.
I should've got that.
39
00:02:08,906 --> 00:02:11,672
I was too busy looking in the
mirror 'cause I'm so vain.
40
00:02:11,674 --> 00:02:13,674
It's no big deal.
I got it.
41
00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,210
Thank you,
thank you.
42
00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:17,279
Well, look at you.
43
00:02:17,281 --> 00:02:19,380
Look at me.
44
00:02:19,382 --> 00:02:20,814
May I ask you
a question?
45
00:02:21,918 --> 00:02:24,785
- Sure.
- Why this outfit?
46
00:02:24,787 --> 00:02:27,587
It seems that women
in your profession,
47
00:02:27,589 --> 00:02:29,689
they-- they dress like this
for some reason.
48
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:32,592
Why not look wholesome?
Why double down on the seediness?
49
00:02:32,594 --> 00:02:34,528
I think I look
really good.
50
00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,196
- Mm. Mm.
- No?
51
00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:38,232
Mm, I mean, look at dentists.
52
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:40,467
They don't walk around
with their smocks on
53
00:02:40,469 --> 00:02:42,536
when they're not in--
when they're not in their office.
54
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:45,605
- This is a hooker smock is what you got on.
- I'm a hooker.
55
00:02:45,607 --> 00:02:47,908
I know, but you don't
have to show everybody.
56
00:02:47,910 --> 00:02:50,444
- I don't?
- No! People like a mystery.
57
00:02:50,446 --> 00:02:54,948
Imagine putting on a beautiful dress from
Saks Fifth Avenue, you know?
58
00:02:54,950 --> 00:02:57,984
All right, well, first of all,
I'm-- I'm not able to afford
59
00:02:57,986 --> 00:03:01,020
a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue,
so that's not gonna happen.
60
00:03:01,022 --> 00:03:02,888
You're not able
to afford it now,
61
00:03:02,890 --> 00:03:07,126
but get one dress and I guarantee you
in six months,
62
00:03:07,128 --> 00:03:11,597
your closet will be packed
with dresses like that.
63
00:03:11,599 --> 00:03:13,132
Really?
64
00:03:13,134 --> 00:03:15,001
Absolutely.
65
00:03:15,003 --> 00:03:17,337
Okay, so I'm gonna
put the tits away.
66
00:03:17,339 --> 00:03:18,804
Yeah, put--
put the tits away.
67
00:03:18,806 --> 00:03:20,039
- Animal prints gone.
- Yeah.
68
00:03:20,041 --> 00:03:21,874
- No more hooker boots.
- None. Zero.
69
00:03:21,876 --> 00:03:24,077
- Fishnets, out of here.
- Out.
70
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,811
- I think I could do this.
- I think business is gonna boom.
71
00:03:26,813 --> 00:03:28,847
- I really do.
- Thank you so much.
72
00:03:28,849 --> 00:03:30,949
- Oh, well...
- Oh.
73
00:03:30,951 --> 00:03:34,486
I-- I'm so thrilled about this whole thing.
Good luck!
74
00:03:34,488 --> 00:03:36,221
Good luck!
You can do it!
75
00:03:36,223 --> 00:03:38,357
- Hi.
- Hi.
76
00:03:38,359 --> 00:03:41,393
I'm checking out a lot earlier
than I had anticipated.
77
00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:43,828
- Oh, we hate to see you go.
- Okay, 1003.
78
00:03:43,830 --> 00:03:46,564
1003. And what is
the name on 1003?
79
00:03:46,566 --> 00:03:48,533
Buck Dancer.
80
00:03:50,337 --> 00:03:53,171
Uh, okay, Mr. Dancer,
let me just bring that up.
81
00:03:53,173 --> 00:03:56,708
- I hope you enjoyed your stay.
- Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine. It was fine.
82
00:03:56,710 --> 00:03:58,443
Okay, well, be sure
to visit our website.
83
00:03:58,445 --> 00:04:00,611
You can always give us some feedback.
We love notes.
84
00:04:00,613 --> 00:04:02,313
- Don't tuck in.
- The sheets?
85
00:04:02,315 --> 00:04:03,747
- Don't tuck in?
- Yeah, don't-- don't tuck in.
86
00:04:03,749 --> 00:04:05,682
- Too tight for you?
- Who sleeps like that?
87
00:04:05,684 --> 00:04:07,318
It's suffocating.
88
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,420
- You're right.
- It's absolutely suffocating.
89
00:04:09,422 --> 00:04:11,722
Don't tuck.
I will take that note on advisement.
90
00:04:11,724 --> 00:04:14,091
Those cookies,
those are for guests?
91
00:04:14,093 --> 00:04:15,993
Oh, absolutely, yes.
We have a wonderful pastry chef.
92
00:04:15,995 --> 00:04:17,561
- Let me know if you need a box.
- Thank you.
93
00:04:32,678 --> 00:04:35,945
Ah, I see you went for the big ones,
Mr. Dancer, right?
94
00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:40,016
- Yes, yes, I got the first.
- Oh, good, good for you. They're delicious.
95
00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,684
Uh, just--
if I may--
96
00:04:41,686 --> 00:04:45,455
uh, we ask that people use the tongs
when selecting their cookies.
97
00:04:45,457 --> 00:04:48,058
Tongs? Yes, yes,
I saw the tongs there.
98
00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:50,560
I eschewed the tongs
deliberately
99
00:04:50,562 --> 00:04:53,629
because the tongs are not
made for picking up cookies.
100
00:04:53,631 --> 00:04:55,565
They-- they crumble
the cookie.
101
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:57,333
It's not a good system,
the tong.
102
00:04:57,335 --> 00:05:00,236
Uh, we just ask, you know,
that you use the tongs,
103
00:05:00,238 --> 00:05:01,504
which we sort of
provide there on the plate,
104
00:05:01,506 --> 00:05:03,073
you know, just for
sanitary reasons.
105
00:05:03,075 --> 00:05:04,640
Here, look,
I'll tell you what I'll do.
106
00:05:04,642 --> 00:05:06,709
I'll take my second cookie
with the tongs...
107
00:05:06,711 --> 00:05:08,510
- Thank you.
- ...all right?
108
00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:10,646
Perfect. Great.
109
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:14,416
Seem to be making a moment of it,
110
00:05:14,418 --> 00:05:16,018
- but I'll let you have it.
- I wasn't making a moment.
111
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:17,687
It's just it's hard
to hold it.
112
00:05:17,689 --> 00:05:19,989
Let me ask you
this question--
113
00:05:19,991 --> 00:05:21,390
who put you in charge
of the cookies?
114
00:05:21,392 --> 00:05:22,491
Do you oversee
the cookies?
115
00:05:22,493 --> 00:05:23,960
I was given
explicit instructions
116
00:05:23,962 --> 00:05:26,428
to look over the lobby,
which is my jurisdiction.
117
00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:28,330
So, yes, I oversee
the cookies.
118
00:05:28,332 --> 00:05:31,867
Okay, I-- I don't think
this is within your jurisdiction.
119
00:05:31,869 --> 00:05:33,569
Well, uh, Mr. Dancer,
120
00:05:33,571 --> 00:05:36,839
I have enjoyed spending
so much time with you,
121
00:05:36,841 --> 00:05:39,108
and thank you for
all your wonderful notes,
122
00:05:39,110 --> 00:05:41,977
and, uh, we hope
to see you again.
123
00:05:41,979 --> 00:05:44,412
You say the pastry chef
made these?
124
00:05:44,414 --> 00:05:46,380
Oh, yes.
They're wonderful.
125
00:05:46,382 --> 00:05:48,249
I got news
for you, pal.
126
00:05:48,251 --> 00:05:49,951
This is
a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
127
00:05:49,953 --> 00:05:51,419
- Okay?
- I...
128
00:05:51,421 --> 00:05:52,721
This is a Pepperidge Farm
cookie, that's it.
129
00:05:52,723 --> 00:05:54,188
Well, I will go
to that pastry chef
130
00:05:54,190 --> 00:05:55,924
and I will
confront him about it.
131
00:05:55,926 --> 00:05:57,225
Don't tell people
these are
132
00:05:57,227 --> 00:05:58,693
home-made cookies
by a pastry chef.
133
00:05:58,695 --> 00:06:00,895
- Okay, no, I--
- Okay.
134
00:06:00,897 --> 00:06:02,563
- I wouldn't and I didn't.
- This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
135
00:06:02,565 --> 00:06:03,898
I don't believe those are
Pepperidge Farm cookies.
136
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:05,100
This is
a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
137
00:06:05,102 --> 00:06:06,300
All right,
Mr. Dancer, well,
138
00:06:06,302 --> 00:06:08,302
I will take that
into account--
139
00:06:08,304 --> 00:06:10,105
I'm a little disappointed.
I could buy this in the grocery store
140
00:06:10,107 --> 00:06:12,073
on my way home, so.
141
00:06:12,075 --> 00:06:13,875
- Okay. - But anyway, you're
putting out Pepperidge Farm.
142
00:06:13,877 --> 00:06:16,309
- Fine, great, okay.
- Okay, great. Thank you so much.
143
00:06:16,311 --> 00:06:21,115
Linda, can we get these cookies
out of the way that he touched?
144
00:06:25,021 --> 00:06:27,254
I don't want you to use
these doors anymore. You got that?
145
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,990
- They call this shit "overreacting."
- Is the alarm working?
146
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,260
You should worry about
that goddamn fireplace.
147
00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:35,062
You're gonna
fuck around and forget
148
00:06:35,064 --> 00:06:38,065
and Fatwa Claus gonna come down
that fucking chimney and kill your ass.
149
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,700
What is this shit?
What are you eating?
150
00:06:39,702 --> 00:06:41,702
- Beef sticks.
- Beef stick?
151
00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:43,003
You know how bad
that is for you?
152
00:06:43,005 --> 00:06:44,437
Have you ever read
the ingredients?
153
00:06:44,439 --> 00:06:46,239
Have you ever tried
one of these motherfuckers?
154
00:06:46,241 --> 00:06:47,774
- They're fucking delicious.
- They're disgusting.
155
00:06:47,776 --> 00:06:49,242
Look, beef, of course,
156
00:06:49,244 --> 00:06:52,078
molasses, wheat,
brown sugar.
157
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,113
Brown fucking sugar.
I love fucking brown sugar.
158
00:06:54,115 --> 00:06:57,417
You think black people prefer
brown sugar over white sugar?
159
00:06:57,419 --> 00:07:00,420
Absolutely.
Anything brown over fucking white.
160
00:07:00,422 --> 00:07:02,355
- Pants?
- Of fucking course.
161
00:07:03,559 --> 00:07:05,692
Fuck. Okay,
get the door.
162
00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:08,895
- Give me this thing.
- Don't you-- don't you bitch up.
163
00:07:08,897 --> 00:07:11,164
Ask who it is.
Don't forget.
164
00:07:11,166 --> 00:07:13,500
I'll answer the door.
165
00:07:15,904 --> 00:07:17,804
- Funkhouser.
- Oh.
166
00:07:17,806 --> 00:07:19,971
- Hi. Kenny.
- What's up, Kenny?
167
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,440
- Hi, Leon. How you doing?
- Hey, man.
168
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:23,141
Hey, Funk-man.
169
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,244
LD, come down here.
170
00:07:25,246 --> 00:07:27,813
- To what do I owe the honor?
- My nephew, Kenny.
171
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,815
- Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you.
172
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:33,185
- The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree.
- Is that so?
173
00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:35,454
- That is so.
- Huh, how about that.
174
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:38,190
- Straight-A student, okay?
- Mm.
175
00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:40,426
Member of six clubs
in high school--
176
00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:41,760
runs them all.
177
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,864
He was just voted high school
All-American pitcher.
178
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,165
- All right.
- One-of-a-kind.
179
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,900
- Okay. Yeah.
- Now, wait a minute!
180
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,302
If he nails his SATs,
which he will...
181
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,839
- Mm-hmm. - ...he's going to Stanford
on a full scholarship.
182
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:58,109
I don't wanna be a hater, but
can't nobody do all that shit in one day.
183
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,745
Well, I mean,
I just work hard and--
184
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:03,615
I'm saying you're making it feel like this
motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something.
185
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:06,317
- You ever see that movie?
- Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump."
186
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,952
That motherfucker
lived a life.
187
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:10,655
I mean, I'm not-- I'm not
running across the country.
188
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,157
- You ever see a titty?
- What's the matter with you?
189
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,525
What kind of
a question is that?
190
00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:17,328
Anyway, so, uh,
thanks for stopping by.
191
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,063
- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
192
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,832
We-- we were just about to eat,
so I'll see you, uh...
193
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,201
- I'd love a sandwich.
- Me, too.
194
00:08:24,203 --> 00:08:26,170
- I'm starved.
- I don't wanna impose, though.
195
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,605
We got a lot of meats, man.
All kind of shits in that fridge.
196
00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:29,839
- Let's do it.
- Yeah!
197
00:08:29,841 --> 00:08:31,308
- Come on.
- Oh, thank you.
198
00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:33,644
You like bologna and shit?
199
00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:35,412
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You couldn't--
200
00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:36,846
- Let me tell you something.
- This kid's a pitcher?
201
00:08:36,848 --> 00:08:38,081
Let's get off that.
202
00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:39,716
Looks like he can't
lift a chess piece.
203
00:08:39,718 --> 00:08:41,518
Yeah, you'd have
a good time hitting him.
204
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,053
Here, try that mustard.
It's dope.
205
00:08:44,055 --> 00:08:45,989
Larry has all kind
of goodies in here.
206
00:08:45,991 --> 00:08:48,258
All kind of cheeses
and meats.
207
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,260
- What are you making?
- Sandwiches, baby.
208
00:08:50,262 --> 00:08:53,397
- Who wants a pickle?
- Pickles! I want pickles.
209
00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:55,532
- You can't have a sandwich
without pickles, right? - No!
210
00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:59,068
- Tap it, tap it.
- Yeah.
211
00:08:59,070 --> 00:09:01,170
Do you need any help?
I got it, I got it.
212
00:09:01,172 --> 00:09:03,539
Everybody's gotta be
the hero with a pickle jar.
213
00:09:03,541 --> 00:09:05,073
Everybody
wants to open it.
214
00:09:05,075 --> 00:09:07,376
You just gotta
hit it up.
215
00:09:07,378 --> 00:09:10,813
- Here, give it to the big Funk.
- No, little Funk's got it, okay?
216
00:09:10,815 --> 00:09:12,715
- Come on, let me take a shot at it.
- No.
217
00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:14,249
- What are you doing, Kenny?
- No, I got it!
218
00:09:14,251 --> 00:09:16,251
- Kenny, give me the jar!
- I got it. Ooh! Oh!
219
00:09:16,253 --> 00:09:18,053
- Shit.
- What happened?
220
00:09:18,055 --> 00:09:20,122
- I think I heard it crack.
- Your pitching arm?
221
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,791
- Yeah, that's my pitching arm.
- Oh, my God.
222
00:09:21,793 --> 00:09:23,892
We gotta go to the hospital.
223
00:09:23,894 --> 00:09:26,161
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
- Oh, shut up.
224
00:09:26,163 --> 00:09:29,365
- It was an accident!
- I never should've brought him over here!
225
00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:31,801
He tried to open the pickles,
so he took the jar from him,
226
00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:35,269
- and you tried to get it from him, too!
- You're trying to do too much.
227
00:09:35,271 --> 00:09:37,171
Valedictorian,
now you wanna be pickle boy.
228
00:09:37,173 --> 00:09:39,407
- You're doing too much!
- Sorry!
229
00:09:43,347 --> 00:09:46,180
You know, I think we have a
half open jar in the fridge.
230
00:09:51,087 --> 00:09:52,354
What do you know?
231
00:09:52,356 --> 00:09:53,521
What do you know?
232
00:09:56,393 --> 00:09:57,992
Oh, darling,
you're cold. Here.
233
00:09:57,994 --> 00:09:59,761
- Here, put this around you.
- I'm just excited.
234
00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:07,235
Well, that's what
they want me to do.
235
00:10:07,237 --> 00:10:09,536
- I've got a ticket here...
- What's up, Larry?
236
00:10:09,538 --> 00:10:11,705
Yeah.
237
00:10:11,707 --> 00:10:14,375
I had a horrible night
last night.
238
00:10:14,377 --> 00:10:15,909
Horrible.
239
00:10:15,911 --> 00:10:17,978
I couldn't sleep,
was up all night.
240
00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:20,814
I heard-- I heard
someone at the gate.
241
00:10:20,816 --> 00:10:26,019
I heard voices and somebody
creeping around the house.
242
00:10:26,021 --> 00:10:27,988
It, like,
freaked me out.
243
00:10:27,990 --> 00:10:30,323
Well, you know what?
There was a lot of shit going on last night.
244
00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:32,058
I had a little
lady friend come over.
245
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:34,928
You know, her girlfriend's
waiting outside of the car,
246
00:10:34,930 --> 00:10:37,731
the kid's in the back seat,
jumping around and shit.
247
00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:39,500
You know?
248
00:10:39,502 --> 00:10:41,402
And then I had the pizza guy come over.
He came over--
249
00:10:41,404 --> 00:10:44,437
Okay, so-- so it was you.
So you kept me up, essentially.
250
00:10:44,439 --> 00:10:47,040
I didn't keep you up.
Just some normal shit that I do.
251
00:10:47,042 --> 00:10:50,476
I need some--
I need some security in the house.
252
00:10:50,478 --> 00:10:53,746
You know, like a-- I gotta hire, like,
a Pinkerton guard or something.
253
00:10:53,748 --> 00:10:55,715
You don't need
no Pinkerton guard.
254
00:10:55,717 --> 00:10:57,750
You know what?
I'll tell you what.
255
00:10:57,752 --> 00:11:00,387
- Let me handle this shit.
- You're-- you're gonna hire somebody?
256
00:11:00,389 --> 00:11:02,322
- What are you gonna do?
- What if I get somebody half the price
257
00:11:02,324 --> 00:11:04,257
of that Pinkerton
motherfucker?
258
00:11:04,259 --> 00:11:07,060
I wanna take care of all this security shit
you're worried about, okay?
259
00:11:07,062 --> 00:11:09,896
I'm gonna get you--
get you back to being Larry.
260
00:11:09,898 --> 00:11:13,166
Sitting around here,
looking all frumpy and shit.
261
00:11:13,168 --> 00:11:15,568
Well, no, the only reason
I'm wearing this bathrobe
262
00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:17,637
is because I left
my pajama bottoms--
263
00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:19,104
you know, those
red flannel pajamas?
264
00:11:19,106 --> 00:11:21,106
- Right.
- I left them at the hotel.
265
00:11:21,108 --> 00:11:23,442
I can't leave a hotel room
without leaving something behind.
266
00:11:23,444 --> 00:11:25,477
Never fails.
267
00:11:25,479 --> 00:11:27,980
- Oh.
- Are you expecting somebody?
268
00:11:27,982 --> 00:11:29,481
I'm always
expecting somebody.
269
00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:31,516
If they show the fuck up,
they show the fuck up.
270
00:11:31,518 --> 00:11:33,953
Goodbye, darling.
271
00:11:33,955 --> 00:11:36,088
- Excuse me a minute.
- He's all right, you know.
272
00:11:36,090 --> 00:11:38,457
- He's gonna be all right.
- Hey!
273
00:11:38,459 --> 00:11:40,259
- He's alive!
- Oh!
274
00:11:40,261 --> 00:11:42,027
- Hey, buddy.
- How you doing?
275
00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:43,662
I'm all right.
How are you doing?
276
00:11:43,664 --> 00:11:46,098
Oh, God,
I'm a mess.
277
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,267
- Yeah, so bad.
- I'd be terrified.
278
00:11:48,269 --> 00:11:50,535
Yeah, and the worst part
is the musical's off.
279
00:11:50,537 --> 00:11:52,337
- Oh, you're kidding me.
- No.
280
00:11:52,339 --> 00:11:54,305
It was
such a funny idea.
281
00:11:54,307 --> 00:11:56,307
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
282
00:11:56,309 --> 00:11:58,477
- Um...
- Nice of you to come over, though,
283
00:11:58,479 --> 00:12:00,144
and, uh, say hi.
284
00:12:00,146 --> 00:12:02,013
- That's really sweet of you.
- No.
285
00:12:02,015 --> 00:12:03,615
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
286
00:12:03,617 --> 00:12:04,749
Yeah,
you're welcome.
287
00:12:04,751 --> 00:12:07,619
Um, actually,
you know what?
288
00:12:09,022 --> 00:12:11,623
All right,
I'm full of shit.
289
00:12:11,625 --> 00:12:13,992
The truth is
I'm here to ask--
290
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,395
I'm here to ask your permission
if I can date Cheryl.
291
00:12:18,599 --> 00:12:20,632
Boom.
292
00:12:22,102 --> 00:12:23,935
- Wow.
- Wow?
293
00:12:23,937 --> 00:12:27,104
Yeah, you come over here
under these false pretenses
294
00:12:27,106 --> 00:12:29,507
to, oh--
to see how I'm doing,
295
00:12:29,509 --> 00:12:32,342
and-- and you
wanna date-- No!
296
00:12:32,344 --> 00:12:33,944
No, I-- no, no, I--
297
00:12:33,946 --> 00:12:37,147
If you're asking me
can you date Cheryl, I'd say no.
298
00:12:37,149 --> 00:12:38,983
Let-- let's just
step back just a second.
299
00:12:38,985 --> 00:12:41,151
This is a surprise
to me, too.
300
00:12:41,153 --> 00:12:44,221
We're friends. I didn't wanna sneak
around behind your back.
301
00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:47,858
I need to, like--
to go with my impulses,
302
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:51,695
and my impulse is
I wanna-- I wanna go out with your ex-wife.
303
00:12:51,697 --> 00:12:53,631
How would you like it
if I went out with Mary, huh?
304
00:12:53,633 --> 00:12:55,098
- Would you like that?
- Don't be stupid.
305
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,466
What does that mean?
306
00:12:56,468 --> 00:12:58,301
It means you're--
307
00:12:58,303 --> 00:13:02,438
you wanna call my ex-wife,
Mary Steenburgen--
308
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,308
- Larry David wants to ask
Mary Steenburgen out? - Oh.
309
00:13:06,310 --> 00:13:10,580
Oh, Larry David is not cool enough
for Mary Steenburgen?
310
00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:13,683
- I-- I just--
- Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it?
311
00:13:13,685 --> 00:13:17,020
I didn't say that,
but there's something in there.
312
00:13:17,022 --> 00:13:18,721
Oh, okay, all right.
313
00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,623
You know what?
I'll call her right now. How's that?
314
00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,491
How's that?
I'll call Mary.
315
00:13:22,493 --> 00:13:24,293
- Fine.
- Okay? Okay?
316
00:13:24,295 --> 00:13:25,995
You want me to?
317
00:13:25,997 --> 00:13:27,463
- Do it.
- Okay.
318
00:13:27,465 --> 00:13:30,266
But then can we get back
to this real subject?
319
00:13:32,037 --> 00:13:33,670
Mary!
320
00:13:33,672 --> 00:13:36,137
- I can't believe it.
- Hey, it's Larry David.
321
00:13:36,139 --> 00:13:37,973
- Hi, Larry!
- Hey!
322
00:13:37,975 --> 00:13:39,708
- How you doing?
- Good, good.
323
00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:42,678
Hey, Mar, um, let--
let me ask you something.
324
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,547
You know what's going on
with Ted and Cheryl?
325
00:13:45,549 --> 00:13:49,451
Ted told me he was
interested in seeing her
326
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,453
and I told him
to go for it.
327
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:54,189
Well, um...
328
00:13:54,191 --> 00:13:56,592
I was kind of
wondering...
329
00:13:58,161 --> 00:14:00,829
...you know, if he's gonna
go out with her,
330
00:14:00,831 --> 00:14:04,232
why, uh-- why don't
you go out with me?
331
00:14:06,169 --> 00:14:08,403
Wow, Lar.
332
00:14:08,405 --> 00:14:10,037
Oh, my gosh.
333
00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:12,940
Um, I just--
334
00:14:12,942 --> 00:14:14,909
God, I love you so much.
335
00:14:14,911 --> 00:14:19,414
I don't know if we have anything in common
that way, you know?
336
00:14:19,416 --> 00:14:21,082
- Do you think?
- Well, we're both people.
337
00:14:21,084 --> 00:14:23,418
We're Earthlings,
we breathe, we eat,
338
00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:25,453
so we have--
we have that in common.
339
00:14:25,455 --> 00:14:28,356
Yeah, we have that in common
with pretty much everybody,
340
00:14:28,358 --> 00:14:31,359
but I was-- I was just meaning,
like, you know,
341
00:14:31,361 --> 00:14:34,829
maybe you're just not
my physical type.
342
00:14:34,831 --> 00:14:37,665
Sure.
Sure, I understand.
343
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:41,035
Hope we can have lunch
or go shopping
344
00:14:41,037 --> 00:14:43,104
or do something
together soon.
345
00:14:43,106 --> 00:14:45,639
- Okay, okay. Okay, bye.
- Bye, Lar.
346
00:14:48,511 --> 00:14:50,810
- What'd she say?
- No.
347
00:14:50,812 --> 00:14:53,780
- Mm.
- Not really her type.
348
00:14:53,782 --> 00:14:55,482
- Huh.
- At least, physically.
349
00:14:56,818 --> 00:14:59,553
- Okay. Well, hey...
- Yeah.
350
00:14:59,555 --> 00:15:02,422
- So, you gonna go ahead with this?
- Yeah, yeah.
351
00:15:02,424 --> 00:15:06,092
- Okay. - You should know that
she doesn't give blowjobs.
352
00:15:06,094 --> 00:15:08,228
- Just...
- That's okay.
353
00:15:08,230 --> 00:15:09,929
Okay?
Sex only in the dark.
354
00:15:09,931 --> 00:15:11,532
She's a little revolted
by the penis.
355
00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:13,267
- Really?
- She won't look at it.
356
00:15:13,269 --> 00:15:15,802
- She won't even touch it, okay?
- Well, maybe that's changed.
357
00:15:15,804 --> 00:15:18,437
- It won't change, okay?
- All right, good luck with the fatwa.
358
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,874
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for being so concerned about it.
359
00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:55,341
- You're in trouble, Larry.
- Yeah. Yeah!
360
00:15:55,343 --> 00:15:56,576
I know.
Tell me about it.
361
00:15:58,079 --> 00:15:59,345
- I like that.
- Oh, yeah?
362
00:15:59,347 --> 00:16:01,113
Yeah, hides the Jew.
363
00:16:01,115 --> 00:16:02,748
Ah, thank you.
364
00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:04,750
Thank you.
That's lovely.
365
00:16:04,752 --> 00:16:06,919
Lovely compliment.
Thank you very much.
366
00:16:06,921 --> 00:16:08,921
- Very sweet.
- What are you doing here, Larry?
367
00:16:08,923 --> 00:16:10,989
- Huh?
- Well, you know...
368
00:16:10,991 --> 00:16:13,192
- What? - ...this has been very,
very difficult for me.
369
00:16:13,194 --> 00:16:15,595
And I'm thinking, who can help me?
I don't know any Muslims.
370
00:16:15,597 --> 00:16:18,797
They're not in show business.
They don't hang out at the deli.
371
00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:21,900
Am I supposed to go into a mosque
and then start chatting them up?
372
00:16:21,902 --> 00:16:24,136
Sure, maybe I can make
a little more effort to seek them out,
373
00:16:24,138 --> 00:16:25,670
but they're not really
coming up to me either!
374
00:16:25,672 --> 00:16:27,939
Do you need
my help, Larry?!
375
00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:31,909
Yes.
376
00:16:31,911 --> 00:16:32,810
Yes.
377
00:16:34,881 --> 00:16:36,548
- I know people.
- You do?
378
00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:39,951
- Mm, I know people.
- Imams, mufti?
379
00:16:39,953 --> 00:16:41,786
- "Moofti."
- "Moofti"?
380
00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:43,755
- "Moofti."
- It's "moofti." Huh.
381
00:16:43,757 --> 00:16:45,022
I always thought
it was "muffti."
382
00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:49,761
Anyway,
so do you know a mufti?
383
00:16:49,763 --> 00:16:51,896
- I know other people.
- Who? Who do you know?
384
00:16:51,898 --> 00:16:53,265
I know
the consul of Iran.
385
00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,501
You know the consul?
386
00:16:57,571 --> 00:16:59,370
- Is that so?
- Yes.
387
00:16:59,372 --> 00:17:01,639
Look at you!
You are really something!
388
00:17:01,641 --> 00:17:04,041
- Eh.
- How do you know the consul?
389
00:17:04,043 --> 00:17:05,910
I have
my connections.
390
00:17:05,912 --> 00:17:09,280
Are you a--
are you a plotter?
391
00:17:09,282 --> 00:17:11,015
Are you one
of the plotters?
392
00:17:11,017 --> 00:17:14,618
- Do you plot?
- I've plotted before.
393
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,821
- You've plotted?
- I've plotted.
394
00:17:16,823 --> 00:17:17,721
Wow.
395
00:17:19,425 --> 00:17:20,858
You're on my side,
right?
396
00:17:24,964 --> 00:17:26,697
Fuck me,
you godless fuck!
397
00:17:26,699 --> 00:17:28,465
You infidel fucking Jew!
398
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,168
Try and keep it kosher,
could you?
399
00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:32,803
You fatwa fucking bastard!
400
00:17:32,805 --> 00:17:36,106
- I'm a fatwa fuck.
- Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry.
401
00:17:36,108 --> 00:17:39,642
Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed
to the Nation of Islam!
402
00:17:39,644 --> 00:17:41,912
Donald Trump!
403
00:17:41,914 --> 00:17:43,146
Steve Bannon!
404
00:17:43,148 --> 00:17:44,514
Jared Kushner.
405
00:17:44,516 --> 00:17:45,849
Mike Pence!
406
00:17:45,851 --> 00:17:47,717
Kellyanne Conway!
407
00:17:47,719 --> 00:17:49,319
- Mitch McConnell!
- Yeah!
408
00:17:49,321 --> 00:17:52,255
Rudy Giuliani!
409
00:17:52,257 --> 00:17:54,090
Yeah, yeah!
410
00:17:54,092 --> 00:17:55,525
Rougher, Larry!
Rougher!
411
00:17:55,527 --> 00:17:57,493
Sentence me to an orgasm
412
00:17:57,495 --> 00:17:59,196
- like you've been sentenced to death!
- You're choking me!
413
00:17:59,198 --> 00:18:00,897
Is this a fatwa!
414
00:18:00,899 --> 00:18:04,367
This is a fatwa!
Fa-fa-fa-fatwa!
415
00:18:04,369 --> 00:18:06,668
Fatwa! Fatwa!
416
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,503
Hey! Hey!
417
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,572
No fatwa up in here!
No fatwa!
418
00:18:10,574 --> 00:18:12,074
- What?
- No fatwa!
419
00:18:12,076 --> 00:18:13,508
Yeah, Larry, that's Swat,
your knew security.
420
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:14,844
You can thank me later
for that shit.
421
00:18:14,846 --> 00:18:16,278
Yeah, I'm not even
gonna bring up
422
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,113
the fact you're fucking
in your goddamn glasses.
423
00:18:18,115 --> 00:18:19,915
Hey, Swat,
break her ass in half!
424
00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,989
Hello, is this--
is this Mr. Khashayar?
425
00:18:26,991 --> 00:18:30,326
- Yes, this is he.
- Yeah, this is, um-- this is Larry David.
426
00:18:30,328 --> 00:18:32,962
I'm a friend
of Shara Ghorbani.
427
00:18:32,964 --> 00:18:36,565
She said that perhaps
there might be a way,
428
00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,101
you know, to set up
a, uh-- a meeting.
429
00:18:39,103 --> 00:18:42,404
It's better if you don't come here
under the circumstances...
430
00:18:42,406 --> 00:18:45,940
- Hey, Larry. - Wait, I'm sorry.
Could you hold on one second?
431
00:18:45,942 --> 00:18:47,976
Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone.
432
00:18:47,978 --> 00:18:50,879
Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the guest room.
Where the towels at?
433
00:18:50,881 --> 00:18:53,382
They're down the hall
in the linen closet.
434
00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:54,850
Yes, I'm sorry.
435
00:18:54,852 --> 00:18:57,853
I have two nincompoops
in my house, unfortunately.
436
00:18:57,855 --> 00:19:00,722
- Anyway, so, um--
- I would suggest a video conference.
437
00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:02,824
- Oh.
- I can arrange for that if you like.
438
00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:04,025
Oh, you wanna
set up a video call?
439
00:19:04,027 --> 00:19:06,127
Yeah, the video call
would work great.
440
00:19:06,129 --> 00:19:08,263
- Yes, excellent.
- Yeah.
441
00:19:08,265 --> 00:19:11,299
Good. I will have one of my staff
members contact you to arrange for it.
442
00:19:11,301 --> 00:19:12,567
- Yeah, I--
- Hey, Larry!
443
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:14,269
Wait, I'm sorry.
Hold on one more sec.
444
00:19:14,271 --> 00:19:16,670
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Shh, I'm on the phone!
445
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:18,739
This goddamn towel's
hard as fuck, man.
446
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,841
Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone!
447
00:19:20,843 --> 00:19:22,510
I'll be there in a second.
Shut up!
448
00:19:22,512 --> 00:19:23,811
These towels
too rough, man.
449
00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:26,414
- I like a softer towel.
- Hey, Swat? Swat?!
450
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,548
Shut up!
451
00:19:27,550 --> 00:19:29,117
Yeah, I'm sorry.
452
00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,219
No, it's
the nincompoops again.
453
00:19:31,221 --> 00:19:33,888
- Nincompoops?
- I'll wait to hear from your office.
454
00:19:33,890 --> 00:19:36,357
- Larry!
- As I said, they will be in contact.
455
00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:39,660
- Okay. Yes, all right, thank you.
- Goodbye, Mr. David.
456
00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:43,464
What's so important
about these fucking towels?
457
00:19:43,466 --> 00:19:45,533
Look, these towels are
a little too rough, man.
458
00:19:45,535 --> 00:19:46,734
I like
a soft towel, Lar.
459
00:19:46,736 --> 00:19:48,202
He wants something
more velvety.
460
00:19:48,204 --> 00:19:50,304
Velvet, it doesn't even
dry you, velvet.
461
00:19:50,306 --> 00:19:52,172
It doesn't--
it doesn't get the water off.
462
00:19:52,174 --> 00:19:55,008
A harder, coarser towel
works a lot better for drying.
463
00:19:55,010 --> 00:19:57,578
If I don't use something velvety,
I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar.
464
00:19:57,580 --> 00:20:00,080
- You want me to go shopping for towels?
- It'd be nice.
465
00:20:00,082 --> 00:20:02,249
The man's a guest in your house.
He's your fucking security.
466
00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:04,251
- He's gonna take care of you.
- By the way,
467
00:20:04,253 --> 00:20:06,286
you need to familiarize
yourself with that.
468
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,388
- What? What is this?
- It's a list.
469
00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:11,325
- Persimmons. You eat persimmons?
- Antioxidants.
470
00:20:11,327 --> 00:20:13,293
No stone fruit?
471
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,695
I'm telling you,
they kill me, Larry.
472
00:20:14,697 --> 00:20:16,730
I'll drop dead right on
this fucking carpet.
473
00:20:16,732 --> 00:20:18,999
Even the "oals"
will fuck me up.
474
00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,002
- Even the what?
- The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up.
475
00:20:22,004 --> 00:20:24,637
If this fucking man
even sees a fucking stone fruit,
476
00:20:24,639 --> 00:20:27,640
he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring
no stone fruit in the fucking house.
477
00:20:27,642 --> 00:20:29,343
So now I can't have
stone fruit?
478
00:20:30,512 --> 00:20:31,979
Yeah.
479
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:39,353
Absolutely, we will
send that right up.
480
00:20:39,355 --> 00:20:40,520
All right,
thank you very much.
481
00:20:40,522 --> 00:20:42,956
- Hello.
- Ah, Mr. Dancer.
482
00:20:42,958 --> 00:20:47,160
I'm sorry to report that I left a pair
of pajama bottoms
483
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:49,463
in my room,
which was 1003.
484
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:52,966
- So just pajama bottoms.
- Fantastic pajamas, by the way.
485
00:20:52,968 --> 00:20:54,968
- I don't doubt it.
- I mean, the best feature about them
486
00:20:54,970 --> 00:20:58,138
is that the flannel's thick,
so they obfuscate the penis,
487
00:20:58,140 --> 00:21:00,907
so you could walk around
with other people in the house
488
00:21:00,909 --> 00:21:02,308
and you don't see
any flopping,
489
00:21:02,310 --> 00:21:04,611
as opposed to the pair
that I have now,
490
00:21:04,613 --> 00:21:06,245
my-- my second pair.
491
00:21:06,247 --> 00:21:07,814
- Okay.
- A little thinner.
492
00:21:07,816 --> 00:21:10,550
You see the clear outline of the penis--
very unpleasant.
493
00:21:10,552 --> 00:21:14,186
- I will check in the back and I will be
right with you. - Thank you very much.
494
00:21:20,395 --> 00:21:22,028
Excuse me.
495
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,863
Hi.
496
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,733
Are you in charge
of the-- the cookies?
497
00:21:26,735 --> 00:21:28,568
Um, yeah, I guess so.
498
00:21:28,570 --> 00:21:31,004
So you oversee
the whole cookie operation?
499
00:21:31,006 --> 00:21:33,406
Uh, I don't bake them,
but I--
500
00:21:33,408 --> 00:21:35,473
Well, they're not baked,
they're bought in a store.
501
00:21:35,475 --> 00:21:36,842
But that's neither here
nor there.
502
00:21:36,844 --> 00:21:38,710
Let me just ask you
about the display here.
503
00:21:38,712 --> 00:21:40,779
- Okay.
- Was this whole idea yours--
504
00:21:40,781 --> 00:21:43,582
the display, the tongs,
the whole thing?
505
00:21:43,584 --> 00:21:45,316
- Um...
- 'Cause I have to tell you,
506
00:21:45,318 --> 00:21:46,985
the tong is not
a friend of the cookie
507
00:21:46,987 --> 00:21:48,654
by any stretch
of the imagination.
508
00:21:48,656 --> 00:21:51,089
Okay, you must be
Mr. Dancer.
509
00:21:51,091 --> 00:21:53,191
- Yes! Yes.
- Yes.
510
00:21:53,193 --> 00:21:54,593
- I am.
- Okay.
511
00:21:54,595 --> 00:21:56,628
What I believe
you should be thinking about
512
00:21:56,630 --> 00:21:58,396
is separating
the cookies
513
00:21:58,398 --> 00:22:01,332
so people can use their fingers
and not the tongs.
514
00:22:01,334 --> 00:22:03,168
No friend
of the cookie.
515
00:22:03,170 --> 00:22:04,903
May I just demonstrate
what I'm talking about?
516
00:22:04,905 --> 00:22:07,039
- No, sir, please don't.
- Just watch how easy this is.
517
00:22:07,041 --> 00:22:09,374
- It's hotel policy.
- You see how easy I picked that out?
518
00:22:09,376 --> 00:22:11,443
- It was so simple.
- Mr. Dancer.
519
00:22:11,445 --> 00:22:13,978
I successfully was able
to find your pajama bottoms,
520
00:22:13,980 --> 00:22:15,880
and I see that you are not
using our tongs again.
521
00:22:15,882 --> 00:22:17,915
No, I was just merely
demonstrating something...
522
00:22:17,917 --> 00:22:20,218
- I asked him to use the tongs.
- I know you did, Claudia.
523
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:22,787
- Thank you very much. - And by the way,
you're not even in charge of the cookies.
524
00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:26,657
- Claudia is.
- I asked you to please follow our policy,
525
00:22:26,659 --> 00:22:29,660
and you are no longer a guest here,
actually, so I'm just now asking you
526
00:22:29,662 --> 00:22:32,263
- to just respect that.
- Ah, what?!
527
00:22:32,265 --> 00:22:33,465
What?!
528
00:22:33,467 --> 00:22:34,865
Oh, my God!
529
00:22:34,867 --> 00:22:36,301
The tongs dropped
on the floor,
530
00:22:36,303 --> 00:22:38,103
you put them back
on the table?!
531
00:22:38,105 --> 00:22:39,704
- I wiped them.
- She wiped them.
532
00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:41,671
That's like
eating off the floor!
533
00:22:41,673 --> 00:22:43,507
- It's the same thing!
- It's not at all the same.
534
00:22:43,509 --> 00:22:46,276
It is the same thing! You might
as well put the floor on the table!
535
00:22:46,278 --> 00:22:48,178
- Okay, you know what?
- This is a disgrace!
536
00:22:48,180 --> 00:22:49,513
Okay, you know
what is a disgrace,
537
00:22:49,515 --> 00:22:51,047
that we're having
this conversation again.
538
00:22:51,049 --> 00:22:53,083
And here is what I'm gonna
say to you right now--
539
00:22:53,085 --> 00:22:55,252
don't ever return to this hotel--
I'm serious-- or I will call the cops.
540
00:22:55,254 --> 00:22:58,122
Like I would wanna return to a hotel
that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookies
541
00:22:58,124 --> 00:23:01,024
and trying to pass them off
as if you have a pastry chef!
542
00:23:01,026 --> 00:23:04,728
Fine, and if you do,
I will call the police, Mr. Buck Dancer.
543
00:23:04,730 --> 00:23:06,796
Kenny was a perfect kid,
544
00:23:06,798 --> 00:23:09,032
and look
what's happened here!
545
00:23:09,034 --> 00:23:11,468
Look what's happened
to my jewel,
546
00:23:11,470 --> 00:23:14,871
my nephew, who is
an all-star pitcher.
547
00:23:14,873 --> 00:23:17,039
He's up there now
in a cast!
548
00:23:17,041 --> 00:23:19,908
Why did you have to
fight him for the pickle?!
549
00:23:19,910 --> 00:23:22,411
Why did I have to fight him?
You fought him for the pickles, too!
550
00:23:22,413 --> 00:23:24,113
I didn't fight him;
I let it go!
551
00:23:24,115 --> 00:23:25,181
Oh, you let it go.
552
00:23:25,183 --> 00:23:26,715
You tried to open
that pickle jar
553
00:23:26,717 --> 00:23:27,850
just like I did!
554
00:23:27,852 --> 00:23:29,552
Everybody wants to be
a pickle jar hero.
555
00:23:29,554 --> 00:23:31,554
You broke
his elbow, okay?
556
00:23:31,556 --> 00:23:32,755
Are you happy?
557
00:23:32,757 --> 00:23:34,390
He's just
a different kid.
558
00:23:34,392 --> 00:23:36,492
His personality
has changed.
559
00:23:36,494 --> 00:23:38,361
He's filled
with angst.
560
00:23:38,363 --> 00:23:40,095
He's, like,
ready to explode.
561
00:23:40,097 --> 00:23:41,531
And you wanna know why?
562
00:23:41,533 --> 00:23:45,801
The way he relaxes
is the way all men relax.
563
00:23:45,803 --> 00:23:48,337
It's called
"ejaculation."
564
00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:50,872
He can't use
the right hand, okay?
565
00:23:50,874 --> 00:23:53,575
This is his
ejaculator, okay?
566
00:23:53,577 --> 00:23:55,277
It's done,
it's in a cast.
567
00:23:55,279 --> 00:23:58,012
- Yeah.
- Mr. Kenny, some lunch!
568
00:23:58,014 --> 00:24:00,348
What the hell is this shit?! Fuck!
569
00:24:00,350 --> 00:24:03,285
You call this lunch?! Take your
banana and shove it up your ass!
570
00:24:03,287 --> 00:24:05,520
- Get out! Get the fuck out!
- SeƱor, he's crazy!
571
00:24:05,522 --> 00:24:07,389
Leave me the fuck alone!
572
00:24:07,391 --> 00:24:09,324
I don't even
know him anymore.
573
00:24:09,326 --> 00:24:11,493
- Wow.
- I'm scared to death of him.
574
00:24:11,495 --> 00:24:13,562
He can't masturbate.
575
00:24:13,564 --> 00:24:15,297
He can't make it
come out.
576
00:24:15,299 --> 00:24:17,965
- He can't go left?
- No, he can't go to his left.
577
00:24:17,967 --> 00:24:19,867
- Can you go to your left?
- Eh, nobody can.
578
00:24:19,869 --> 00:24:21,570
- No one can.
- Yeah.
579
00:24:21,572 --> 00:24:23,838
It's funny, though,
there's other things I can do lefty.
580
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,407
I can eat lefty,
I can brush my teeth lefty.
581
00:24:26,409 --> 00:24:28,876
There's
a big difference.
582
00:24:28,878 --> 00:24:32,113
You need rotation,
you need tempo,
583
00:24:32,115 --> 00:24:33,781
you need feel.
584
00:24:33,783 --> 00:24:35,149
I don't know
what's gonna happen
585
00:24:35,151 --> 00:24:37,051
'cause he can't
concentrate anymore.
586
00:24:37,053 --> 00:24:40,688
He told me today
he doesn't give a shit about the SATs.
587
00:24:40,690 --> 00:24:42,790
He doesn't care
about Stanford.
588
00:24:42,792 --> 00:24:44,892
He doesn't care
about anything.
589
00:24:44,894 --> 00:24:47,461
- Wow.
- He's lost his will.
590
00:24:47,463 --> 00:24:49,063
Hey!
591
00:24:51,768 --> 00:24:56,437
I met this woman
in the-- in the hotel,
592
00:24:56,439 --> 00:25:00,107
and I think-- I think
she could help him.
593
00:25:00,109 --> 00:25:01,407
What does she do?
594
00:25:01,409 --> 00:25:04,377
She's a--
she's a prostitute.
595
00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:10,483
Okay,
here's the deal.
596
00:25:10,485 --> 00:25:12,853
You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna go to the right,
597
00:25:12,855 --> 00:25:14,888
- near the front desk.
- Mm-hmm.
598
00:25:14,890 --> 00:25:17,490
- You're gonna try and open
this jar of pickles. - Okay.
599
00:25:17,492 --> 00:25:20,727
It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's
gonna come over and try and help,
600
00:25:20,729 --> 00:25:23,463
and then I'm gonna sneak in
so the guy doesn't see me
601
00:25:23,465 --> 00:25:25,665
- and try and find Paula, okay?
- Right, right, right.
602
00:25:25,667 --> 00:25:27,901
This is called
the "pickle gambit."
603
00:25:27,903 --> 00:25:29,970
I like that, man.
Hey, it's cool.
604
00:25:29,972 --> 00:25:32,805
- What's my name?
- All right, that's irrelevant.
605
00:25:32,807 --> 00:25:34,240
- Okay?
- What do you mean it's irrelevant?
606
00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:35,642
- Okay, you want a name?
- I want a fucking name!
607
00:25:35,644 --> 00:25:38,311
Okay, uh, Chick Gandil,
that's your name.
608
00:25:38,313 --> 00:25:40,613
He played first base
for the 1919 White Sox,
609
00:25:40,615 --> 00:25:42,382
the team that threw
the World Series.
610
00:25:42,384 --> 00:25:44,817
Wait a fucking minute.
I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox.
611
00:25:44,819 --> 00:25:47,287
Would you prefer somebody
from the Negro leagues?
612
00:25:47,289 --> 00:25:49,422
Yeah, give me
a fucking name.
613
00:25:49,424 --> 00:25:52,692
- Chappie Johnson.
- That's a black man's name right there.
614
00:25:52,694 --> 00:25:54,126
That's fucking great.
I love it.
615
00:25:54,128 --> 00:25:55,428
- All right.
- I could do that shit.
616
00:25:55,430 --> 00:25:56,663
- Okay, get in there.
- I got you.
617
00:25:56,665 --> 00:25:58,964
Okay, I'm a--
I'm a diversion.
618
00:25:58,966 --> 00:26:00,966
I got you.
I fucking got you, Lar, all right?
619
00:26:06,973 --> 00:26:09,341
My name is Chappie Johnson
620
00:26:09,343 --> 00:26:11,876
and I can't open
this damn pickle jar.
621
00:26:11,878 --> 00:26:13,812
- Let me take a crack at that.
- I can help you with that.
622
00:26:13,814 --> 00:26:15,647
I'm gonna have to put you
on hold for a second.
623
00:26:15,649 --> 00:26:17,516
Give it here, Chappie.
Give me a shot at it.
624
00:26:17,518 --> 00:26:18,817
Guys, I saw
from over there.
625
00:26:18,819 --> 00:26:20,118
Let me just get
a run at it, all right?
626
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:21,420
I'm small,
but you'd be surprised.
627
00:26:25,559 --> 00:26:27,959
Let me see that, let me see that.
628
00:26:29,996 --> 00:26:31,430
Just try it again.
629
00:26:31,432 --> 00:26:32,831
Put force into it.
630
00:26:32,833 --> 00:26:34,466
- I didn't--
- I got it, I got it.
631
00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:35,600
I didn't get
a good run at it.
632
00:26:35,602 --> 00:26:36,768
Come on!
633
00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:47,846
Larry, it's me.
634
00:26:47,848 --> 00:26:50,081
Oh, my God.
635
00:26:50,083 --> 00:26:52,917
Oh, my God!
636
00:26:52,919 --> 00:26:55,586
- Look at you.
- Do you like it?
637
00:26:55,588 --> 00:26:57,956
I-- I'm stunned!
638
00:26:57,958 --> 00:27:01,425
This is-- I--
my mind's exploding!
639
00:27:01,427 --> 00:27:03,228
- Oh, my gosh.
- This is incredible.
640
00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:05,596
- Look at you. Look at you!
- Oh, really?
641
00:27:05,598 --> 00:27:06,998
- Ugh!
- You think so?
642
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,599
Well, I am so happy,
643
00:27:08,601 --> 00:27:09,968
and I owe it all
to you.
644
00:27:09,970 --> 00:27:11,835
- It worked.
- It worked.
645
00:27:11,837 --> 00:27:13,803
It worked.
My life has been changed.
646
00:27:13,805 --> 00:27:15,072
Business--
never been better.
647
00:27:15,074 --> 00:27:17,440
The men--
gentle, respectful.
648
00:27:17,442 --> 00:27:20,110
I did a hooker mitzvah!
It's a hooker mitzvah!
649
00:27:20,112 --> 00:27:21,611
You are
a visionary.
650
00:27:21,613 --> 00:27:24,814
I don't know what I can do
to properly show my thanks.
651
00:27:24,816 --> 00:27:26,350
You don't have
to do anything.
652
00:27:26,352 --> 00:27:28,685
The mere fact that
you're happier having sex
653
00:27:28,687 --> 00:27:30,320
with a multitude
of strangers,
654
00:27:30,322 --> 00:27:33,190
that's all-- that's all
the thanks I need.
655
00:27:33,192 --> 00:27:34,624
Aw, Larry!
656
00:27:34,626 --> 00:27:36,426
That's awesome.
Thank you!
657
00:27:36,428 --> 00:27:39,429
You know what?
This is unbelievable that I actually ran--
658
00:27:39,431 --> 00:27:41,564
I came here specifically
looking for you.
659
00:27:41,566 --> 00:27:43,200
- Oh, you did?
- Yes, I did.
660
00:27:43,202 --> 00:27:45,235
- Oh, that's amazing!
- Yeah, because I actually do
661
00:27:45,237 --> 00:27:46,468
- need your services.
- You do?
662
00:27:46,470 --> 00:27:48,137
- Yes.
- Okay, well, fine.
663
00:27:48,139 --> 00:27:50,706
It's for-- it's for
my friend's nephew.
664
00:27:50,708 --> 00:27:53,009
- His name is Kenny Funkhouser.
- Of course!
665
00:27:53,011 --> 00:27:54,911
Tell me when and where.
I'll be there.
666
00:27:54,913 --> 00:27:57,179
- No problem.
- Fanta--
667
00:27:57,181 --> 00:27:58,948
- I feel great, I feel great.
- Hey, do you want a drink?
668
00:27:58,950 --> 00:28:00,783
- Just a quick drink?
- Uh, no let's get a, uh--
669
00:28:00,785 --> 00:28:03,585
let's raid the minibar
like normal people.
670
00:28:07,625 --> 00:28:09,325
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
671
00:28:09,327 --> 00:28:10,960
Yes.
672
00:28:14,732 --> 00:28:16,465
Here, give it to me, give it to me!
673
00:28:16,467 --> 00:28:17,934
You can't open it!
674
00:28:17,936 --> 00:28:19,701
We need to
get a butter knife.
675
00:28:19,703 --> 00:28:21,336
- Come on, let me give it another try.
- No.
676
00:28:24,541 --> 00:28:26,274
We need a plier,
we need a plier.
677
00:28:26,276 --> 00:28:29,311
But a hatchet will
shatter the entire jar.
678
00:28:29,313 --> 00:28:30,979
- Get a plier.
- She can't open it.
679
00:28:30,981 --> 00:28:33,014
- What, 'cause I'm a woman?
- Yeah, exactly!
680
00:28:34,617 --> 00:28:36,117
- We need one more shot.
- Give me that!
681
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:37,986
Mr. Dancer!
682
00:28:37,988 --> 00:28:40,055
Whoa!
683
00:28:40,057 --> 00:28:41,823
- Huh?!
- Wow.
684
00:28:41,825 --> 00:28:43,591
- Yeah!
- Wow, are you serious?
685
00:28:43,593 --> 00:28:45,193
Are you for--
Claudia, get security.
686
00:28:45,195 --> 00:28:46,894
I'll keep
Mr. Buck Dancer here.
687
00:28:46,896 --> 00:28:48,430
- Okay?
- No, I gotta get--
688
00:28:48,432 --> 00:28:50,098
I don't care, I don't care.
689
00:28:50,100 --> 00:28:52,000
I'm not touching cookies,
I'm not talking tongs!
690
00:28:52,002 --> 00:28:54,002
I don't care! I warned you
if you came back here, this would happen.
691
00:28:54,004 --> 00:28:55,837
- Get out of my way, baldy!
- Ah-ah!
692
00:28:55,839 --> 00:28:59,039
- That is it, sir. You are out of here.
- Unhand me, you brute!
693
00:28:59,041 --> 00:29:00,174
I have dementia!
694
00:29:11,921 --> 00:29:13,554
What the...?
695
00:29:15,725 --> 00:29:17,825
Unbelievable!
696
00:29:17,827 --> 00:29:20,127
- As often as I can.
- Really?
697
00:29:20,129 --> 00:29:21,195
- Yes...
- No.
698
00:29:32,941 --> 00:29:35,209
- So, are you nervous?
- A little.
699
00:29:35,211 --> 00:29:37,344
Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll take care of everything.
700
00:29:37,346 --> 00:29:39,346
- You just lay back and relax.
- Okay.
701
00:29:39,348 --> 00:29:41,681
I like your dress.
702
00:29:41,683 --> 00:29:44,518
Aw, thanks!
I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue.
703
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:46,887
- Oh, that-- that's a nice store.
- Mm-hmm.
704
00:29:46,889 --> 00:29:48,822
Take your clothes off,
Kenny.
705
00:29:48,824 --> 00:29:50,357
You know, Mary,
she's with this guy,
706
00:29:50,359 --> 00:29:52,626
he's bald with glasses--
he looks just like me!
707
00:29:52,628 --> 00:29:54,895
She said
I wasn't her type.
708
00:29:54,897 --> 00:29:57,697
Unbelievable.
And now Ted--
709
00:29:57,699 --> 00:30:00,033
Ted's going out
with Cheryl.
710
00:30:00,035 --> 00:30:04,337
- What about that? - Well, you haven't been
married to her in a long time.
711
00:30:04,339 --> 00:30:05,605
There's nothing wrong
with that!
712
00:30:05,607 --> 00:30:07,240
Would you do
something like that?
713
00:30:07,242 --> 00:30:09,475
You wanna go out with Cheryl,
you do it behind my back.
714
00:30:09,477 --> 00:30:11,477
- You'd never know.
- That's the way to do it.
715
00:30:11,479 --> 00:30:13,580
Yeah.
I called Cheryl.
716
00:30:14,883 --> 00:30:16,750
- I called her twice.
- For what?
717
00:30:16,752 --> 00:30:18,852
Just to talk to her
and see how she was doing,
718
00:30:18,854 --> 00:30:21,888
and shopping tips
and stuff like that.
719
00:30:21,890 --> 00:30:24,057
- We had a cup of coffee.
- You're kidding.
720
00:30:24,059 --> 00:30:26,726
- Two movies.
- What?!
721
00:30:26,728 --> 00:30:28,261
A walk in the park.
722
00:30:28,263 --> 00:30:30,496
Yeah, well,
it's not a big deal.
723
00:30:30,498 --> 00:30:31,497
One dinner.
724
00:30:31,499 --> 00:30:32,866
I went behind your back!
725
00:30:32,868 --> 00:30:34,767
It's the only way to go!
726
00:30:34,769 --> 00:30:36,502
Yeah, that's true.
727
00:30:36,504 --> 00:30:40,339
Boy, Kenny sounds like
he's having some fun.
728
00:30:40,341 --> 00:30:41,941
Tough to
listen to, though.
729
00:30:41,943 --> 00:30:43,709
Oh, my God.
730
00:30:43,711 --> 00:30:48,514
Oh, I got a-- I got a Skype thing
with the Iranian consul guy.
731
00:30:49,650 --> 00:30:50,849
I'll see you later.
732
00:30:50,851 --> 00:30:52,851
I'm not staying here
by myself.
733
00:30:59,594 --> 00:31:02,328
Mr. David, at last we meet
face-to-face.
734
00:31:02,330 --> 00:31:04,363
Heh-hey!
Hey, look at this!
735
00:31:04,365 --> 00:31:06,098
Modern technology, sir.
736
00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:09,033
What-- what exactly does a consul do?
It's a...
737
00:31:09,035 --> 00:31:11,769
Let's just say if you wanted
to come to Iran one day and visit,
738
00:31:11,771 --> 00:31:13,705
you would be
going through myself.
739
00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:16,141
I'm not setting foot in that place,
with all due respect.
740
00:31:16,143 --> 00:31:17,809
Not gonna
set foot there.
741
00:31:18,945 --> 00:31:20,645
Excuse me.
742
00:31:22,116 --> 00:31:24,516
- What is that?
- A cookie.
743
00:31:24,518 --> 00:31:26,551
What are you using,
tongs?
744
00:31:26,553 --> 00:31:28,620
Yes.
We use tongs.
745
00:31:28,622 --> 00:31:32,157
- In fact, we invented the tong.
- Okay.
746
00:31:32,159 --> 00:31:33,992
All right, Mr. Consul,
747
00:31:33,994 --> 00:31:35,860
let's, uh-- let's not
go crazy here.
748
00:31:35,862 --> 00:31:37,829
You invented the tong.
I don't think so.
749
00:31:37,831 --> 00:31:40,398
I don't see Iran
as the tong inventor.
750
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,566
Mr. David, I have
a very busy agenda today.
751
00:31:42,568 --> 00:31:44,301
Please let me know
how I can help you.
752
00:31:44,303 --> 00:31:48,072
Well, um, you're aware
of my situation, of course,
753
00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:51,542
and I was
hoping beyond hope
754
00:31:51,544 --> 00:31:55,546
that somehow
you could perhaps
755
00:31:55,548 --> 00:31:58,783
put in
a good word for me,
756
00:31:58,785 --> 00:32:02,319
tell the ayatollah
how profoundly sorry I am
757
00:32:02,321 --> 00:32:04,388
for what I did
and said and...
758
00:32:04,390 --> 00:32:07,224
Mr. David, you have come
to the right person
759
00:32:07,226 --> 00:32:09,794
because-- I tell you this
in confidence--
760
00:32:09,796 --> 00:32:12,096
I am a huge fan
of your work.
761
00:32:12,098 --> 00:32:14,999
I have watched
every episode of "Seinfeld."
762
00:32:16,902 --> 00:32:19,970
This is-- this is
really, truly remarkable.
763
00:32:19,972 --> 00:32:21,972
Is that so?
What's your favorite episode?
764
00:32:23,542 --> 00:32:25,909
Isn't everybody's favorite episode
the puffy shirt?
765
00:32:25,911 --> 00:32:27,343
It's unbelievable!
766
00:32:27,345 --> 00:32:29,646
I also love the one
with the close talker.
767
00:32:29,648 --> 00:32:31,081
Ugh, oh, my God!
768
00:32:31,083 --> 00:32:33,583
I must tell you
something, Mr. David.
769
00:32:33,585 --> 00:32:36,853
The ayatollah himself
is a bit of a close talker.
770
00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:38,722
- Is that so?
- Yes!
771
00:32:38,724 --> 00:32:41,491
Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close
to that guy, to tell you the truth.
772
00:32:41,493 --> 00:32:43,060
It doesn't look like
he's popping Life Savers
773
00:32:43,062 --> 00:32:44,828
in his mouth
all day long, you know?
774
00:32:44,830 --> 00:32:46,629
Ah, yes, well...
775
00:32:46,631 --> 00:32:48,464
- Okay.
- All right.
776
00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:49,799
Okay, oh, yeah!
777
00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:51,067
Come on.
Come on, honey!
778
00:32:51,069 --> 00:32:52,634
You can do it,
you can do it!
779
00:32:52,636 --> 00:32:54,303
Come on, come on!
780
00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:56,806
I'm coming, Larry!
781
00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,674
Oh, God,
you're so good!
782
00:32:58,676 --> 00:33:00,642
Larry!
783
00:33:00,644 --> 00:33:02,444
I am very confident
that we can
784
00:33:02,446 --> 00:33:04,580
accomplish something
here together.
785
00:33:04,582 --> 00:33:07,149
Thank you so much.
I'm so appreciative and--
786
00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,618
Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty!
787
00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,253
What the-- oh!
788
00:33:11,255 --> 00:33:12,387
Oh, my God!
789
00:33:12,389 --> 00:33:14,090
- Oh, no!
- What is that?
790
00:33:14,092 --> 00:33:15,524
Oh, oh! No!
791
00:33:15,526 --> 00:33:18,260
No, no! Swat, Swat!
Not her, not her!
792
00:33:18,262 --> 00:33:20,329
Just get rid
of the Muslims!
793
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:24,933
No, it's a game!
794
00:33:24,935 --> 00:33:27,602
That's a game!
Mr. Consul!
795
00:33:29,572 --> 00:33:36,245
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www.addic7ed.com
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