Original subtitles

As soon as you guys are done, the kitchen is mine.

I have to have eight lasagnas by 2:00 p.m.

Where are my oven mitts?

You can use my puppets if you want, Mrs. A.

Can you French braid my hair before school today?

Honey, I can't, but we'll do it tomorrow.

You said that yesterday.

I'm sorry. I'm swamped.

Go upstairs and grab your backpack.

Hey. I need to talk to you about something.

No time to talk.

What happened to my spatula?

Everybody needs to go.

Trip, take Taylor to school.

Oh, we're actually not driving together.

Since I'm going to college next year, Trip and I

are gonna practice being in a long-distance relationship.

We decided that we're not gonna see each other for the next few weeks,

so this is goodbye for a while.

Taylor: Mm-hmm.

[ Sighs ]

Goodbye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

I'll always have you in here.

And I have you in here, and I want you out there!

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! Lonnie Spears!

Aah! [ Chuckles ]

Is this Greg's house?

Lonnie Spears knows your dad's name?

How cool is that?!

Katie, this is what I wanted to talk to you about.

This is the YouTuber that I'm ghostwriting the autobiography for.

[ Distorted ] It's nice to meet you, Katie.

[ Laughter ]

Why is that funny?

I don't know.

Hey, I forgot my phone charger. You got one I can use?

Yeah, there's one by the TV.

Parkour!

Jump!

[ Discordant notes play ]

Why is that idiot in our house?

Just so you know,

that idiot has 20 million Instagram followers

and is a multi-millionaire.

He's rich? Mm.

Our kids are idiots, too, and they're not earning a dime.

Katie, I need material for this book,

but I can't get Lonnie to talk about anything substantial.

I brought him here because I thought

putting him in a calmer environment might help.

You sell lasagnas, right?

You ever think about putting fake eyeballs in it as a prank?

[ Chuckles ] It would be hilarious.

Your generation is truly the worst.

Nah, dawg. We made GIFs.

Greatest generation ever.

Yeet!

Can you please take him to your office?

We can't work in there because you've turned it into your supply closet.

Boxes of tomato paste on every free surface

do not create a professional environment.

I can't believe you're saying that,

because my office is where everybody hangs out,

and I can't get anything done.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Oh, my God.

She's doing that thing with the stairs again.

Could her OCD be back? [ Sighs ]

Your daughter would make a cool Boomerang video.

I wouldn't even need to loop it.

You know that video you showed me

when you teased that bear with a Slim Jim?

Uh-huh.

She's the bear.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, did you say anything to Anna-Kat in the car?

Of course not. You made me take Lonnie with me to drop her off at school.

He had her filming him with his head out the window

so his cheeks flapped like a dog.

Is she back to her old behavior?

It might be a one-time thing, right?

Yeah.

Or she was just doing a little dance.

Of course. There's no reason to overreact.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

Oh, no.

♪♪

♪♪

I don't know whether to sit down and cry

or let her have a go at the junk drawer.

♪♪

Hey, I'm heading to Sam Beckett's helicopter christening.

You sure you don't want to come?

I can't. I'm about to start my first day at Teen Help Line.

They're putting me on the phones.

Dude! You should call yourself, because your life is tragic!

I know.

It's the last place I want to be.

But it's gonna help me get into Harvard.

Oh, I've got to go.

Don't sweat it, amigo.

It's helicopter christening season,

so you can always catch the next one.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Before we get started,

I want to make sure you're comfortable.

Well, it is a little chilly in here.

Mm. I hear you. You're feeling cold.

We will get through this.

I can just put on a sweater.

You seem to have found a solution.

[ Chuckles ]

Your ability to succeed is endless.

You have the opposite vibe of my mom.

Oh.

I just want to warn you, some of the calls

that you're gonna take might be a little tough.

You know, people seem to think

that the kids in Westport don't have any problems,

but they need as much guidance and help

as all the other kids in the world.

Except for the kids in Denmark.

That's just a country of happy people.

No one knows why.

I'll just stick to the script you gave me,

and if things get weird,

I'll put the caller on hold and find a supervisor.

You did it again. Came up with your own solution.

[ Chuckles ]

I learn more from you than you learn from me.

It's starting to feel that way.

Mm.

[ Telephone rings ] Ooh. Here we go!

[ Beep ]

Hello? This is Teen Help Line.

I'm here to listen. What's on your mind today?

Young man: Hi. I-I'm really upset.

Okay, well, maybe if you talk about it,

it won't seem so bad.

Yeah, okay.

I got this new Porsche

because I did really well on my report card.

Go on.

But...

But it has red brake calipers and not the yellow ones.

[ Sobs ]

Okay, we're going to work with you

and find a way to make you feel better.

[ Voice breaking ] Okay.

Try to think of the good things you have in your life.

Like getting a Porsche instead of having your report card

stuck to the fridge with a weak magnet

until it slowly sinks to the floor.

♪♪

I thought that we were over this,

and then we opened the door to Anna-Kat's room.

It was like somebody put OCD in a Coke can,

shook it up, and sprayed it everywhere.

That's surprising.

She hasn't exhibited any of the old behavior at school.

In fact, she's getting shining reports from her teachers.

She's thriving here.

Is there anything different at home?

[ Smacks lips ]

Not really.

I mean, I started a business.

But I'm working from home,

so everything is pretty much the same.

Well, if I had to think of something, I would say

that Katie's fuse has been a lot shorter than usual.

Oh, I just remembered a big change

that is about to happen at home.

Greg is moving out.

I can't believe you think that this is my fault.

Your fuse is short, too,

constantly chasing that dumb Donnie around the house.

Dumb Lonnie. Correction --

Greg is not only moving out, he's gone missing.

Nobody knows where he is.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe Anna-Kat is picking up on

a little bit of... tension between you two.

I mean, I feel it, and I've only been with you for three minutes.

She may be using old behavior to comfort herself.

Ah, I feel terrible.

I'm going to talk to her.

I-I think bringing up the OCD behavior to Anna-Kat

will only exacerbate it.

But I would recommend curbing the bickering around her.

Try and keep things calm.

As much as you can... being...who you are.

♪♪

♪♪

So, Dr. Ellie said that Greg and I need to stop bickering

because we might be triggering Anna-Kat.

Ugh! I say bicker away.

Fighting means there's still passion.

Wait. You and Richard fought all the time,

and your marriage fell apart.

Yeah, in some cases, fighting just means you hate each other.

Normally, we don't argue

because we're united by a common enemy --

the kids.

But since we're both working out of the house,

we're driving each other nuts.

I have a tip to stay calm.

I give it to all my clients who are on the stand,

being provoked by opposing counsel.

I tell them to count to five before answering

so they don't respond impulsively.

Huh.

That doesn't sound like I have to change

anything fundamental about myself.

I'll give it a try.

Oh. Yeah, you should. [ Chuckles ]

Because if it's hard out there being single for me -- whoo! --

for you, it's gonna be...

[ Laughs ]

Go ahead.

I want to hear it.

Look at you, bringing a Doris to a Katie fight,

like a damn fool.

[ Chuckles ]

Cooper: How was Teen Help Line?

It was actually pretty easy.

All the calls were such Westport problems.

One caller was upset

because a classmate had the same Prada sweater.

Another caller wanted to run away from home

because her parents didn't get Beyoncé

to perform at her Sweet Sixteen.

They got Ashanti.

I don't know how you deal with that much trauma in one night.

♪♪

There. Four lasagnas done.

And I know I'm not supposed to say this, but...

you're my favorite.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I wasn't --

Believe what you want.

So, how is the trial long-distance thing going with Trip?

Good. It's actually a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be.

Hi, Mrs. A!

No wonder it's easy.

It isn't a real separation if you're constantly seeing each other on the phone.

Well, that's how it's gonna be in college.

We can FaceTime whenever we want.

You won't have time for that.

You're going to be going to classes

and out at the bars with new friends,

walking home drunk and stumbling into the wrong house,

eating a stranger's fried chicken.

God, I miss college.

[ Door opens ]

So, tell me more about your parents.

I mean, more than just "They cool."

Oh! Zag!

Okay. We'll put a pin in that.

So far, we've put a pin in your childhood,

a pin in how you started your career,

but we've talked endlessly about how tall I am

and how I flare my nostrils when I speak.

Yeah. It's crazy, man.

It's like talking to a horse.

[ Chuckles ]

Right.

These are for customers!

What do you think you're doing?

Acting on impulse.

It's part of my charm. [ Clicks tongue ]

Greg, this kitchen is my office.

How am I supposed to work if --

One, two, three, four, five.

Honey, would you keep Lonnie out of the kitchen?

These are pre-paid orders,

and they took me all morning to make.

One, two, three, four, five.

I've been trying to keep him in my office, but I couldn't

with all your lasagna ingredients stored in there.

On a sidenote, do I flare my nose like a horse?

One, two, three, four, five.

Do you think I have time to look at your ginormous nostrils?

I'm trying to run a business here.

One, two, three, four, five.

But I can't, because you can't control Lonnie.

One, three, five. I'm trying.

And we were almost on a roll, but then you came in

to get a crate of tomatoes, and all he could talk about

was how ripe the tomatoes need to be

to make the perfect splat when he throws them off a building.

One, five! You're driving me crazy!

Five!

I got nothing. Just five!

[ Water running ]

How you doing, sweetie?

We're not fighting. No.

We're just having fun with numbers.

[ Chuckles ] Numbers are fun.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

Mnh.

♪♪

Mm.

Mm.

♪♪

♪♪

One, two, three, four, five.

We suck at this.

♪♪

Oliver, I'm gonna have to step away for a bit.

My stomach is rumbling, and I want to honor it.

So you're going to get a snack.

Thank you for hearing me.

Are you gonna be okay to take phone calls on your own

while I'm gone?

Oh, yeah, I should be good.

The only call I've gotten today is from a girl who's sad

her diamond studs make her ears look tiny.

[ Sighs ]

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello? This is Teen Help Line.

I'm here to listen. What do you want to talk about today?

Young man: I don't know. [ Sniffles ]

I just wanted to talk to someone.

Things are kind of bad.

Well, maybe I can help.

Is it about a designer sweater or a Beyoncé no-show?

Did you vacation in the U.S. Virgin Islands

instead of the British ones?

[ Door opens ] I just feel, uh...

[ Sniffles ] ...it's all too much.

I'm -- I'm lost. Uh...

[ Door closes ]

Are you still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

I've been in a bad place lately.

I hear that. I hear that.

Please keep going.

The funny thing is, people think I'm Superman,

but I'm not. [ Sniffles ]

They don't get that I just don't want to do this anymore.

I think I want out.

Out of what?

School? This call?

[ Beep ]

Supervisor?

[ Beep ]

Can you hold on for just one second?

I have to go.

W-Wait. Please promise me you're gonna call back.

Okay. Okay.

[ Click ]

♪♪

[ Beep ]

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Beep ] Hello? Is this you?

Young woman: Hi. My parents are so abusive.

They bought me a dog, but it isn't a purebred!

[ Sobbing ]

♪♪

Go fish.

Do you have any...7s?

Yeah, I do. Two.

Oh, I don't think this is gonna work.

Hey, Kate?

Your husband's fancy pen spit ink all over me.

Where's the washing machine?

In your own home, hopefully.

[ Laughs ]

You are way more fun than your husband.

I'm guessing that's not the first time you've heard that.

That is not okay to say.

[ Whispering ] But no, it's not the first time.

[ Chuckles ]

No, you hang up first.

What's up, my man?!

[ Giggles ]

[ Dog barks ] [ Both laugh ]

Oh, my God! We look so funny!

[ Growls ]

[ Barks ] [ Laughs ]

[ Howls ] [ Slurps ]

[ Laughs ]

Dogs can't use phones, so I can't laugh,

because it doesn't make any sense.

[ Laughs ] I look fantastic.

You really do.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Silverware clatters ]

Greg?

Come look at this.

If it's another neighbor throwing a party

we're not invited to, you have to accept it.

We're not well-liked.

No!

It's Anna-Kat.

She is combing the front lawn.

What?

Oh, God.

I thought we were past this.

She's getting worse.

And we haven't even argued today.

I don't think this has anything to do with tension between us.

There has to be another reason. We have to find out why.

She's coming in.

[ Sighs ]

What is the payoff to being a parent?

Are we doing all of this

just so somebody will hold our hands on our deathbeds?

Because a nice, cheerful nurse would be fine.

Hi, honey.

Did you have a nice time playing?

Are you hungry? Do you need a snack? Mm-hmm?

So, that's what we're talking about?

How about the fact that I'm out there

combing our lawn, like a loon?

You're not gonna say anything about that?

What?

What do I have to do to get you guys to pay attention to me?

I'm running out of ideas!

[ Rapid footsteps ]

Anna-Kat!

So it wasn't about us arguing.

Ha!

I knew Dr. Ellie didn't know what the hell she was talking about.

In your face, Dr. Ellie!

You know this is still on us.

It can still be on us and in her face, Greg.

♪♪

♪♪

Honey, what is going on?

Were you pretending to have OCD?

You had us scared to death.

I just missed the attention I used to get.

When I was a weirdo, you guys were all over me.

We realize we've been busy lately.

Mom especially, since she's starting a business in our home.

And your Dad is writing a book.

About an idiot.

Are we doing this now?

You're right. Let's save it for date night.

[ Breathes deeply ]

We love you more than anything in this world,

so thinking that you were backsliding had us worried sick.

And we're sorry we haven't been giving you enough attention.

But you were faking OCD, and that's not okay.

I'm sorry.

Well, you don't get attention like you used to

because you don't need it as much anymore.

And I know it's hard, but you changed,

and that's a good thing.

Doesn't feel that way.

I know, baby. Change is hard.

But don't worry.

When you're a teenager, you're bound to do horrible, stupid things

and get all the attention you want.

[ Chuckles ] She's right, dude.

And sometimes you become a millionaire because of it.

Parkour!

[ Grunts, groans ]

Idiot.

♪♪

Your family moved 6 times before you were 10,

so you were the new kid a lot, huh?

What was that like?

Dude, check this out.

I put fake eyeballs in Katie's lasagna.

Ulp! She's gonna think it's hilarious. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, I think if you do that,

the next eyeball in lasagna will be yours.

Oh, my God, Trip. What are you doing here?

We're not supposed to see each other.

I know the real reason why you wanted

this fake separation so much.

You wanted to be with Lonnie.

What are you talking about?

You're over here video-chatting me

while you guys have puppy noses and high-pitched voices,

and it was adorable.

Now I see how it is when we're apart --

you drop me for the first cute guy that comes along.

Oh! Thanks, man.

I think you're cute, too.

Mr. A, it happened under your roof?

I thought we were bros!

We are forever bros!

There is nothing going on between me and Lonnie.

I can't believe you don't trust me.

How are we gonna make things work when I go to college?

Or can we?

I don't know.

Maybe we can't.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Trip, I totally get why you're freaking out.

And I get why you're upset, too.

You two can do the long-distance thing,

but you're gonna have to trust each other.

Because I know what happens when you don't.

My dad used to have to go out of town a lot for business,

and my mother was always worried

that he was fooling around on her -- which was crazy,

because my dad was, like, hella skinny, bald,

had mad psoriasis.

What's psoriasis?

I think it's those guys in Syria with the beards.

There was just no way my dad would ever cheat on my mom.

But she didn't trust him.

And she got so sad when he was gone.

That's why I started doing practical-joke videos.

I just wanted to make her laugh.

I've been trying to get you to open up to me for weeks,

and the closest you've come is showing me the X-rays

from when you swallowed a robot for one of your videos.

It's Optimus Prime, bro.

He's a Transformer.

Whatever! Let's get this down! Come on!

Yeah, I'll -- I'll be right there.

You guys have to trust each other,

and you'll be fine.

[ Sighs ]

I'm really sorry, babe. I totally overreacted.

We've got to work on this trust thing.

I'll start.

[ Thud ] Oh, my God!

You didn't catch me.

Are you okay?

What day is it?

Still today, right?

You're good.

♪♪

Mom?

I've got a big problem.

Get in the car. I've got cash in the trunk.

I'll take you wherever you need to go.

No, I'm not playing.

I got a call at Teen Help Line today.

The guy seemed to be in real trouble.

Oh, no. Honey. I'm so sorry.

I tried to help him, but he hung up.

I told the counselor right away,

but there was no way to find the caller.

[ Sighs ] I just feel so helpless.

What?

Look at you caring.

It's like your soul is going through puberty.

[ Sighs ] What do I do?

Just got to wait.

Hopefully, he calls back.

Just sit and wait? How can I do that?

It's so awful not knowing.

Oh, I get that.

That is what moms do all the time.

[ Chuckles ]

Hilarious.

What?

Lonnie put an eyeball in your lasagna.

Why? [ Chuckles ]

Why is that hilarious?

[ Laughs ] Ugh!

♪♪

Hey, Mom, do you want to play "Monopoly"?

Sweetie, I wish I could, but I'm busy right now.

Oh. Okay.

I understand.

But you could help me make lasagna if you want.

That way, we can work together.

Really?

Mm-hmm. [ Gasps ]

We get a little mother/daughter time,

and you get free child labor.

That's not how I'm looking at it.

Aren't you?

A little bit.

[ Chuckles ]

Aah! Okay, sprinkle it real nice.

Okay. Like -- Like snow?

Yes. Okay.

Aah! It's snowing!

Yeah! Wah!

Hey, boys. I made you some lunch.

Thanks, girl.

No, no, no, no.

This piece is yours.

What'd you do to it?

Nothing.

Come on. You're pranking me back.

What'd you put in it?

Mousetrap? Ex-Lax? Thumbtack?

I've done 'em all. It's my job, yo.

If you think I have the time to make a prank lasagna,

you're out of your mind.

Take a bite.

Sure.

Even better.

You knew I was gonna do that.

Mm.

Dude, I'm throwing this in the garbage.

So, what'd you put in it? What's the prank?

There is none. But now I'm in his head.

I never have to feed that dope again.

That's how Katie Otto rolls.

Yeet!

Oh, Greg, sweetie, no. Just no.

Yee-- Don't do it.

Yeet! Stop!

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

♪♪