All language subtitles for 25 - One for the Road

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

FRASIER:
Good evening, gentlemen.

What mindless divertissement

occupies your waning
attention span tonight?

It's the, uh,
National Cable Ace Awards...

given for excellence in all
facets of cable programming.

I stand corrected.

Are you watching
for any particular category?

Yes, the most impressive display

of female flesh in the, uh,
tight-fitting dress.

You're watching for cleavage.

Living for cleavage.

Stunning super model Kim Alexis

is listed as
a presenter. Yeah.

Yeah, Kim Alexis.

Boy, how often her lovely form
has graced the pages

of the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue, huh? Yeah.

And how often some youngster
slipped underneath the blankets

with a flashlight
and looked at the same issue

while their mother pounds
on the door and says,

"It's past your bedtime,
Clifford!"

(chuckles)

Or whatever the lad's name
happens to be.

(theme song begins)

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Dr. Crane, you know,
tomorrow's the big day

I'm getting sworn in
in Boston City Council.

Oh, yes, the beginning
of your political career.

It started out as a small joke
and turned into an enormous one.

Yeah, and listen,
I was wondering if

maybe you could help me out
with the speech I'm giving.

Well, of course I'll take
a look at it, Woody.

Where is it?

Well, I, you know,
I was wondering

if maybe you could
write it for me.

All right, I'll be your
speech writer, Woody.

What ideas would you
like to incorporate?

Okay. Looks like I'm gonna
need one more favour.

(chuckling)

Welcome to Cheers.

Can I take your
order, handsome?

Can I be your order, handsome?

Cutty Sark neat, please.

Okay. Would you
like that in a glass

or shall I pour it over myself
and let you lick it off?

Come on, Carla,
this happens to be my guy.

Yeah, well, I can fix
that in ten minutes.

Five- if I use jumper cables
and a wet towel.

Listen to me- "my guy."

That feels good
to say, "my guy."

Hi.

(giggling)

Hi.

Oh, uh, Rebecca, listen.

There's something really
important I've been wanting

to ask you all night, but, uh,
I guess I'm just too nervous.

Uh, well, y-you know,
I'm a plumber

and I'm not very good
with words and, uh...

Oh, why don't we just forget it.

No!
No-no-no-no!

Wait, wh-why don't you just
sit here and relax

and, uh, you think about that
question you want to pop

and, uh, I-I'll get
us some champagne

so that we can celebrate
the answer.

TV ANNOUNCER:
And our next presenters are

Salman Rushdie and Dr. Ruth.
(applause)

(remote clicks)
Sleepy time down South, huh?

Hey, everybody.

REBECCA: Oh.
CLIFF: Hey, Sam.

Sam, come here, you're just
the guy I want to talk to.

Come here.
Where have you been?

Well, the sex compulsion
therapy group thing.

Yeah. We're all real
proud of you with that.

How's that thing going?

Uh, slow but painful.

This week I'm not gonna
think about sex at all

or even hear about or talk
about anything remotely sexual.

Sam, it's about my love life.

Yeah, that should be safe.

Listen, I think

the most important thing in
my life is about to happen.

Don is gonna propose to me.

Oh!
No, shh...!

REBECCA: But he's having a
little bit of a hard time...

he's sort of shy and he
can't really spit it out,

so I'm gonna coax him along by
giving him a little champagne.

Do you think
that's a good idea?

Oh, that's the best idea
I've ever heard.

Listen, uh, let me buy
the champagne...

the best stuff I've got.

Best stuff.

Wh-Wh-Which
is the best stuff?

Uh, it's the bottle with
the Flintstones on it.

Wh-What you watchin' there,
guys?

The Cable Ace Awards, Sammy.

Yeah. We're
breathlessly awaiting

the appearance of stunning
super model, Kim Alexis.

She the one with the great...

Yeah, yeah.

See you.

Aw, poor Sammy.

NORM:
Breaks my heart.

First the man has to give up
drinking and now women.

Yeah. Boy...

there's no way in
hell Clifford C. Clavin

could ever give up babes.

(chuckles) I'd explode.

I know where you're
coming from.

You've got to understand, Don.

I've always been
at a disadvantage.

(sighs)

See, I was born with only
one erogenous zone, and...

unfortunately, it
covers my entire body.

That's why I've had
to work extra hard

to get to where I am today.

Frankly, Carla, uh,

I don't think
I could satisfy you.

I'm not sure the men of Desert
Storm could satisfy you.

Carla, will you excuse us?

Don and I are in the middle of
a very important conversation.

So are we.

Carla, shoo!

Okay, I'll leave
you alone with your handsome plumber.

Don...
Mm.

You, uh, you said
that you had something

that you wanted to ask me?

Well...

Rebecca, we've only known each
other a very short time, and...

but in that time, I've come
to care for you very deeply.

And...

I've been happier with you
than anyone else

and I... I don't want
that happiness to ever end.

Rebecca,

will you m-m-m-marry me?

(gasping):
Oh, Don!

Of course I won't!

Huh?

What?

That was, that was a mistake.

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?

No!

Oh!

What the hell is happening?!

Rebecca, are you okay?
Yeah.

D-D-Don, hold it.
Just sit there one second.

(sotto voce):
"Rebecca will you marry me?"

Oh, I love you so much, Don.

Of course I'll marry you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, Don, ask me quick.

Rebecca, will you marry me?

Never!

Oh!

I don't know what's happening!

Oh, well, I do!

You obviously don't feel about
me the way I feel about you.

See you around, Rebecca.

Nice knowing you.

(sobbing)

Rebecca...

Rebecca, are you all right?

Yes, thank you!

Oh, God!

Oh, I just let the man that I
love walk right out of my life.

Oh, please, Frasier,
go get him.

Oh, okay, of course.

Wait!

Wait a minute.

Maybe I said no because
deep down inside,

I know that we haven't known
each other long enough.

(sighs)
Yet if he walks out now,

I may never see him
for the rest of my life.

Oh, come on, girl.

Take a chance.

All right.
Go, go, go, go!

No! Hold it!

No, I mean, maybe, maybe I know

that this just isn't the right
thing to do, deep down inside.

Wait a minute,
I've got it. I've got it.

I-I'm just gonna do nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm just gonna sit down here

and pretend like the whole thing
was a dream.

(shouting):
Run, Don! Run!

Run like the wind!

Norm, hey, Norm, new category.

This may be the end of
our long, dark night.

TV ANNOUNCER:
And now to present the award

for best writing in a movie
or miniseries,

here are super model, Kim Alexis

and Hall of Fame player
and coach, Mike Ditka.

(hooting) (barking) (barking)

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, Coach,
I was wondering,

which one of us has had the most
coverage in Sports Illustrated?

No contest, Kim.

That would be me.

Oh, you mean because you've
had so many great years

on the gridiron as being both
a player and a coach, right?

No, I mean because when I've
seen you in the magazine,

you've had very little
coverage at all.

Oh, you.

(hooting) (hooting) (laughing)

You know, I think it's unfair.

I think that they should do

an issue featuring
swimsuits for men.

Great idea.

The only thing is, the ladies
have to model the suits.

(howling) (hooting)

Coach, you're incorrigible.

I don't write it,
I just say it.

Shall we present the nominees

for best writing of
a movie or miniseries?

Why not?
Okay.

The nominees are:

Jerry Burger, Tulsa Farewell.

(applause)

Diane Chambers,
The Heart Held Hostage.

(applause on TV)

Rhonda Kizowski,
A Dream of Gladiolas.

Wait.

Did you hear that?

Did my ears deceive me?

What's the matter, Dr. Crane?

Well, I thought
I heard Diane Chambers' name

in that list of nominees.

Robert Vanderveer
and Kenneth Montoya

for Tris... Tristan and Isolde
Get a Place in Jersey.

And the winner is...

(drum roll)

Diane Chambers,
The Heart Held Hostage.

(applause on TV)

(dramatic music playing)

Can it be?

Is it really her?

Thank you all.

And thank you, cable television,
for allowing those of us...

who eschew the pap and pablum
of commercial television...

to sing, to dance, to write

and to listen
to the whispers of our muses.

Although sometimes the voices of

Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe,

Melpomene, Polyhymia,
Terpsichore, Thalia and Urania

are too soft to be heard.

Forgive me, gals,
if I forgot someone.

God, is it her.

Thanks to my parents for

conceiving and bearing me.

Although both wanted a boy...

locked as were so many of their
generation in masculine primacy.

Anyhow, where to begin?

Guess we, better go tell Sammy
the romance of his life

is on national TV.

Yeah, well, she was once the
romance of my life, too, Norm,

or are you forgetting?

She dropped you
like a bad habit.

Sorry I didn't bring that up.

Thanks to the Amazon Rain Forest

for providing me and you,
ladies and gentlemen,

with 40% of our oxygen.

The devastation must end!

Woody, I want you to look
at the television

and tell me what you see.

Uh, the television
isn't even on.

(sighs)

(chuckling): I just must be
having one of my little spells.

Thanks to you, Sylvia Plath...

Whoa! This is a doozy!

Let me say this,

your tragic story will be
my next project.

Hey Woody, lock up for me,
will you?

I'm gonna take off.

Oh, Lord, I tell you,
that Kim Alexis is hot.

Look to her right.

Thank you, Dr. Wendell Brandt...

Oh, my God.

For believing in and inspiring a gangly...
(orchestra playing)

college freshman
in creative writing.

It was Dr. Wendell Burgoyne

who was my creative
writing teacher...

(orchestra plays
dramatic passage)

My entire script was
written on recycled paper.

You have to be taught to hate.

So, local girl makes good. Hmm.

Ah, well, here's to Diane
and her success.

Well, I'm gonna do
you one better there.

I think I'm gonna send her a
telegram of congratulations.

You know, it's kind of
the classy thing to do.

H-H-Hold it.
Wait a minute.

Why would you be sending a
telegram to my hallucination?

Unless, it's not
a hallucination.

What-what-what are
you talking about? The...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

As a matter of fact, this, this
whole thing is part of the hallucination.

(all agreeing)

Wow. I must have been
in a car accident. Mmm.

I'm probably in a hospital

right now, hooked up to a bunch
of machines,

barely clinging to life.

Yes. That's... that's
probably true.

Phew. What a relief.

(phone ringing)

Cheers.

Hello, Sam.

Well, hello there.

Thanks for the lovely telegram.

How did you find me?

Uh, Frasier, uh, you know,

has a colleague who's kind of
a shrink to the stars in L.A.

Oh, well, I'd hardly call
myself a star.

Well, I didn't say you were.

Well, I didn't say you did.

Yeah, anyway, you know, he knew
somebody who knew somebody

who knew somebody
who'd kind of heard of you.

I'm sorry I haven't
been in touch.

I've been terribly busy.

Well, there's
no need to apologize.

Uh, life's been great for you.

It's been great for me, too.

Oh really, Sam?

Is life okay for you?

Okay? You kidding me?

Ah, it couldn't be
better, you know.

Business is great,
family's great.

Hair is thicker than ever.

Family?

You're married?

Well, you didn't think I was
gonna... wait around for you

for the rest of
my life, did you?

I didn't say that.

I didn't say you did.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Great gal.

Yeah, great kids, too.

You know, they sure
grow up fast, don't they?

What about you, Diane,
you, you got children?

I have three.

Well, we have four.

That's, uh, that's-that's
one more than you, I guess.

Yes.

Well, anyway, he's
a wonderful man.

You'd like Reed.

Well, if you're ever in Boston,

make sure you, uh, you
bring him over to the bar.

Well, you know, actually,
I have been meaning to come back to Boston.

I've been invited to speak at
almost all my alma maters.

I was afraid of running
into... problems.

But maybe we will come back
now that we've been invited.

I'll have to check
Reed's schedule.

Yes. You do that.

Yes, uh, sure hope
you can make it.

Thank you.
I hope so, too.

Well, bye, Diane.

Bye.

Sammy...

Why did you invite her here

when you're lying
about being married?

You kidding me?
She'll never show up here.

Besides, she's the one who's
lying about being married.

How do you know?

Because I know the woman.

I know she's lying.

Fortunately, I also
know that she knows

that I know she's lying,

which is why she'll never dare
show her face in Boston.

She's coming.

How's it going, Cliffie?

Aw, I'm in no mood to talk.

(cheering)

Aw, guys, thanks for cheering
me up with your humour.

Okay, I'll tell you
what's bothering me.

Oh, please, dear God,

Let this be a story
about the post office.

There's this, uh, there's this
guy down at work, Marty Furman.

Don't you people know
from sarcasm?

There's a supervisor's position
going on in my department

and Marty's the guy who, uh,

is in charge
of deciding who gets it.

And wouldn't you know it,
every flunky and his cousin

is kissing up to him like
there's no tomorrow.

Why does this bother
you so much, Cliff?

Oh, because I rightfully
deserve that job,

but I'm not going to
stoop to their level.

No siree, Bob.

Everything I've gotten in my
life I've gotten on merit.

That explains
your meteoric rise.

"I believe I was elected
to the city council

"as an agent of change.

"And I fully intend to
live up to that pledge.

I will make change."

No, change "change"
to "a change."

What?

No, see in here,
you make change.

There, you make a change.

So just make the change.

Change, "make change"
to "make a change."

Oh, just change it!

Well, I think I see why
Dr. Crane never cures anybody.

You know, I couldn't help

but overhear your little
speech there, Wood.

It was very interesting what
you said about cronyism.

You're gonna have
to be strong, though.

A lot of people are gonna put
a lot of pressure on you.

Imagine an old pal
who's been out of work,

a real good friend who
hasn't worked in years.

The guy could be
fully trained as...

I don't know...

let's say, an accountant.

But now?

He spends all his
time in a bar...

running up a tab that he'll
never be able to pay off.

You could probably help
that poor soul, Woody.

Pull a few strings
down at City Hall, get the guy a job.

(sobbing):
But you... you wouldn't do that, would you?

Because you're a man of honour
and principle and integrity.

I'll see what I can
do, Mr. Peterson.

I'll need $500
a week and a car.

Did Don call?

No. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

What a loser I am.

I'm so bad I should
form a club of losers.

You know, that's something
I could win...

president of the losers club.

Sweetheart, you-you look
like you slept in that dress.

I did.

And I may wear it for
the rest of my life.

Who would care?

In a couple of days,
we all will.

This is the dress
that I lost my guy in.

If you hear a scream
and a thud...

just keep drinking.

I don't think I'm getting
any work out of her today.

She doesn't do
anything, anyway.

And she doesn't start
that until noon.

Hello, everyone.

(screaming)

Nice to see you, too, Carla.

Diane...

What are you doing here?

(screaming)

You invited me, remember?

(screaming)

Carla, relax.

We're just here for a visit.

We?

Yes, I'm with my husband, Reed.

He's parking the car.

I wanted to bring the children
but they're in school.

Oh, great.

How-how great that is.

Sam, Reed and I would love
to take you to lunch.

Is your wife about?

Yes. Yes, she's about.

Um, I'll just, uh,
get my wife, Rebecca.

Yes, uh, my wife Rebecca.

Excuse me, a second.

Woody...

One, two...

Oh.

Rebecca, sweetheart,
you have to be my wife.

Okay.

Oh, now sure, I can
say "yes" to you,

because you mean about as much
to me as a rat's patootie.

Listen, honey, I, I want
you to understand,

see, I lied to Diane.

You remember Diane?
Well, she's back.

Anyway, I-I-I told her
that I was married

because I knew she'd
never show up.

But she's here with her husband.

So, please, you got to be
my wife, just for lunch.

No. I don't know, Sam.

Look, please, please,
I'll owe you a big one. Please.

All right.

After losing the only
man I ever loved,

lunch should hit the spot.

Thank you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

You're such a friend.

And you're such a mess.

Uh, tell you what, why
don't we fix you up a little

then... ooh, then
we'll fix you up a lot.

I'm sorry, Diane.

I got a little carried
away when I first saw you.

I'm all right now.

Hmm.

Lovely to see you.

Thank you.

When will you be leaving?

Hello, Woody.

Well, hi, Miss Chambers.

What's new in your life?

Oh, well, you know,
I, uh, got married,

and I'm gonna have a kid.

Wonderful!

Yeah. Oh, also I
just got elected

to the Boston City Council.

How nice.

And I'm next in line
for the throne of England.

Really? Well, you know, maybe
we'll work together someday.

You know, hammer out
a treaty or something.

Hello, Diane.

Hello, Frasier.

You're looking well.

I'm feeling well.

I'm happily married
with a bright young son

and a successful practice.

But, you know,
what's most important...

and I just realized it
this moment...

is I'm over you.

I'm glad.

There's absolutely
nothing here anymore.

I'm over you.

You could be a-a total stranger
for all I'm feeling.

You could be ugly and gnarled
and toothless without that

shining hair,
those dancing eyes,

these graceful, supple limbs.

Thank God I'm free.

Frasier, you're hurting me.

Well, you never hurt me,
did you?!

Anyway, good to see you.

DIANE:
Norman, Clifford.

You're exactly the way
I remember you.

Well, uh, looks can be
deceiving there, Diane.

I mean, our-our lives
have changed

in innumerable ways.

How so?

Well, uh, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.

Uh, Diane.

Come on, come on, come on.

Uh, Diane, I'd like you to, uh,

I'd like you to meet
my wife, Rebecca.

Hello, Rebecca.

Hello.

So...

you're Mrs. Sam Malone.

Uh-huh.

Pretty nice, huh?

And she's a real pig today

compared to what she
usually looks like.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

So, Sam, Rebecca,
this is my Reed.

Reed Manchester.
Hi.

Hi, Sam.

How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Well, awkward silences
always make me hungry.

(laughs)

Yeah, me, too.

Why don't we, uh,
why don't we go

up to Melville's for lunch?

Oh, Melville's, of course.

That's perfect.

So, uh, Sam, Diane tells me

you used to be a relief pitcher
for the Sox.

Yes, that's right.

So, uh, what was
your best pitch? My best pitch.

Uh, gee, that'd be, uh,
"Say baby, what's your sign?"

(chuckles)

That, uh, Miss Chambers' husband
seemed like a nice guy.

She'll make him pay for it.

If she's left him
a shred of manhood,

it's only because she's
waiting for the right moment

to-to flick it
away like the last

shrivelled pea on her plate.

Thank God I'm over her.

Hit me, Woody!

Four fingers of the
meanest swill you got!

And all my life, I've wanted
to be a documentary film maker.

That certainly is interesting.

So, Rebecca, tell us
about yourself.

Sam never mentioned
what you do.

He didn't?

Well, it never came up.

Well, uh...
(clears throat)

I am a... corporate
attorney...

with the firm Emerson...

Lake and Palmer.

That sounds familiar.

Yeah, they're a
pretty famous group.

Listen, um...

And what I specialize
in there is, uh,

is product liability cases.

That was good.

I mean, is good.

Because, uh,
it's a good job she has.

Oh, yeah.

And you still find time

to raise four small children?

Oh, they're not so small.

Uh, Sam Junior is, uh, five.

And, um, then Darby's four.

And, uh, Newton's three.

And then, uh,

little two-year-old
Chelsea, she's one.

Well, here's to
marriage and children

and the dawn of
a great new friendship.

Aw.

(sobs loudly)

(sobbing):
Don!

Why did you have
to mention Don?

(sobbing)

She-she's, uh,
she's very sentimental.

You see, we, uh,
we-we met at dawn,

and it's her, uh,
favourite time of day.

Come on, sweetheart.

Sit up there
and dry those tears of joy.

(sobbing)

Rebecca.

I got to talk to you.

I've been up

all night thinking about this,

and I'm miserable without you.

You got to marry me!

You got to marry me,

and this time I won't
take no for an answer.

I love you.

Hi, Sam.

How you doing?

Huh?

I will marry you!

(laughing)

(Rebecca shrieks)

I said yes!
I did it!

Oh, Don, thank God
you came back for me!

(moaning)

Oh, Sam,
you don't mind, do you?

No.

Oh, uh, uh,
have a good day, Sam.

SAM:
You, too.

She's interesting.

All right, all right,
I admit it.

I'm not married; I lied.

I don't know why I did it;
It was a stupid thing.

Well, Sam, you'll find
someone eventually.

SAM:
No, don't do that.

Don't-don't-don't feel
sorry for me.

I hate that worse than anything.

REED:
Listen, Sam,

Diane told me
about your past together.

Maybe this...
public humiliation

is the clean break you needed.

Maybe now you can get on
with your life.

Aw, you see why I love him?

Okay, you want to tell me

just what the hell
this is all about?

Who are you?

He's, uh, he's a friend.

Oh, now I'm a friend.

Gee, I'm honoured.

Tell me, friend,

why did you leave our
place in Malibu yesterday

without so much as a
word of explanation?

You made me track you
down across country

just like some
sort of a gumshoe.

After seven years together,
I think I deserve better.

Is he the reason
you left me, Reed?!

(chuckling):
God, no!

Look, I-I'm just,

I'm just doing
a favour for Diane.

Okay, you're very good
at explaining things.

Only this time,

you're not quite
good enough. Well, wait!

Please, Kevin wait!

I was...

I-I'm sorry, Diane.

Muffin, come back!

So then what happened?

So the next thing we know,
Diane turns up here

with her husband
and asks to meet Sam's wife.

Holy moly.
CLIFF: Yeah, yeah.

Then Sam goes back there
and grabs our fair Rebecca,

introduces her
as Mrs. Malone,

then they toddle on up there
to, uh, Melville's for lunch.

Man, oh, man, oh, man.

Which ought to be
very interesting

because Rebecca's been
a total gibbering idiot

ever since Don dumped her.

Damn it all.

Everything neat happens

when I'm not here!

I always miss everything!

Yeah.

Oh, Don!

You put me down,
you big crazy thing!

You're gonna throw out
your big muscular back!

Oh, I'm never letting
you go again, Rebecca.

Oh, Woody,

Rebecca will be gone
the rest of the evening,

and I hope you can do
without her because I can't.

We're going out to make love
in the, uh, swan boats

in the public gardens.

Couldn't you just eat us alive?

REED:
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

I was pretending to
be Diane's husband

to fool her old boyfriend.

She's helping me write a
Tales From the Crypt!

It's that simple!

Very imaginative story.

Reed, I put up
with your astronaut,

your anchorman
and your all-pro quarterback!

But this is it.
I'm leaving.

Please! You can just give me
one last chance!

I missed something, didn't I?

We're pathetic.

How so?

Sam, you just spent
the afternoon pretending

to be married to a woman
who's the emotional equivalent

of Mr. Toad's
Wild Ride...

and who's desperately in love
with another man.

Yeah, well at least
I didn't fly across the country

to make an ass out of myself.

Why bother when you do it
so brilliantly right here?

The only reason why I went
through all of this

is so you wouldn't get
the wrong idea.

And what idea was that?

That my life was empty.

That without you I'm lost and
alone with nothing to live for.

I mean, that's why you came
here, right,

to see something like that?

I came back on a quest
for the truth.

Ah. And you just
brought along

your one-man Warren
Commission there, huh?

You want the truth?

You know, I'm gonna
tell you the truth.

My, my life is so full
it's, it's unbelievable.

Well, tell me about it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, sister.

You don't walk out of here
for six years

and then waltz back in and
expect to hear my story.

You know, I don't,
I don't tell about

my very rich and-and full life
with just anybody, you know?

That's exactly as I feared.

You're angry at me
for leaving you.

I don't have time
to be angry, honey.

I... too much to do.

When I went away
to finish my novel,

I promised to come back
to you in six months.

And I meant to.

But... well...

once the book was finished,

the publishers didn't want it.

I never figured out
why exactly.

But then my agent

suggested that I trim
a couple of thousand pages...

and make it a screenplay.

Could we hurry
this along, please?

You know, my, my
schedule's a real bear.

I didn't want to come back
until I was successful, Sam.

But six months became a year...

and by then I'd waited too long.

Oh, what are we doing?

This is for the best.

I mean, y-you and I
just don't work together.

Yeah, we had great
sex, you know?

A couple times there, we had

to perform CPR on each other.

But, uh, you know,
other than that,

we're a total mismatch.

I think we proved that
again today, don't you?

I guess we did.

If it makes you feel any better,
I don't have a full life.

I have my career,
some associates,

no family, a few friends,

and of course my muse.

Even Reed is just
my dog groomer.

Sometimes I feel
a little lonely,

but that's the life
I chose for myself.

So...

good-bye, Sam.

Yeah.

Oh, this is silly.

Bye.

Oh, wait-wait-wait,
hold on a second. Listen.

Before you run out of here,

can you do me one
little favour, please?

This isn't what you used
to mean by favour, is it?

Come here. Come on.
Sit down.

Please.

You know, it's just
that they, uh, they have

this great dessert here,

but you have
to order it for two.

What kind of dessert is it?

Well, they start
with ice cream.

I love ice cream.

Oh, no, but this is
the best ice cream.

It's sweet, rich, creamy.

What do they do to it?

Cover it with lots and lots of
thick raspberry sauce all over.

All over?

They can't stop themselves.

Sounds so sinful.

There's more.

More?
What more could they do?

Well, they heat up
the raspberry sauce.

How hot do they get it?

How hot would you like it?

Can I interest
you folks in dessert?

Just the check, please.

Quickly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our new City Councilman,
Woody Boyd.

(whistles)

Thank you.

You know, I want you all
to know that

at City Hall I may be
councilman,

but around here
I'm just your old pal,

the Honourable Mr. Boyd.

(laughing):
That's very funny, Woody.

Of course, we all know
you're joking.

But the truth be told,

you know we all see you

in a, well,
a different light now.

You've taken on
a certain dignity

and weight with this office,

and you will be
treated accordingly.

Well, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Hey!

Lonesome Cowpie,
I'm dry over here!

Right away, sir.

Well, Kelly, you
must be very proud of your husband.

Oh, yes, I certainly am,
Dr. Crane. Yes.

You know, the city of Boston
has lots of problems.

Oh.

I can't imagine
what they might be,

but I know Woody is the man
to solve them.

I hope you're right.

After all, we have
to make the town a safe place

for little Woody Jr.
To be driven through

on his way to private school.

An inspiring thought.

Yes, sir, I will.

I-I'll see you
in the morning.

Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you.

Well, everybody,
congratulate me.

I am now employed by
the City of Boston.

ALL:
Hey!

And I have this man
to thank for it.

Oh, hey, no problem,
Mr. Peterson.

I know you're gonna work
very hard.

Yeah, of course, Wood.

Hey, this kind of makes you
my boss, huh?

Oh, yeah, in a way,

but you know, deep down
and above all,

and through everything else,
we're friends.

Oh, of course.

No man ever had a better one.

I feel the same way.

Pals.
Compadres.

I may be late tomorrow.

I wouldn't recommend it,
Peterson.

Hey, everybody, guess what.

We got married!

ALL:
Hey!

We just ran off
to the Justice of the Peace

before we could change
our minds.

We're a little bit crazy,
aren't we?

She's a whole lot crazy,
and I'm not at all.

That averages out
to just a little.

Well done, Don!

You, you grabbed yourself
a real, a really,

a totally... Well,
you got Rebecca!

Say, Don, here, have a seat.

Let me get you a drink, huh?

Thanks, Doc.

Oh, sweetheart, I'll just
be over here.

Okay, hubby.

Don't you stop loving me!

(sobbing):
I married a plumber!

Oh, God!

I'm the wife of a plumber!

We're gonna have a whole bunch
of little plumbers.

And the horrible part of it is
that he's too good for me.

Gee, Miss Howe,

I mean, Mrs. Sandtry,
I, uh...

And my name's
Mrs. Sandtry!

Well, I think Don's gonna make
a great husband.

Well, of course, he is, Woody.

I just have a little case
of the wedding day jitters.

And I know I love Don
with all my heart.

And until he finds out
how screwed up I am and he dumps me,

we are gonna have the most
wonderful marriage.

Hear-hear, huh?

Say good-bye
to the old Cliff Clavin.

ALL:
Good-bye!

Say hello
to the new Cliff Clavin,

the new assistant supervisor
of sub-district A, grid L.

ALL:
Good-bye!

This, I'm here for.

Well, Cliffie, I guess
buying all those gifts

really paid off, huh?

Yeah, yeah, Norm.
You know, I was forced into it.

I mean, everybody else
was doing it.

But there's no shame
in kissing up

as long as it's
a honest display of affection

for those in authority.

You know, I guess the box
of steaks and a ham radio

is really a small price
to pay for this kind of advancement.

Yeah, well, I had to
up the ante a bit.

Yeah, I'm, uh, putting
on a family room on his house.

But I can hold my head up high.

You see, he's got
to furnish it himself.

Yeah, you see, once
that pool table is delivered, I'm out.

Hey, wait a minute,
where's Sammy?

Hey, Woody, was he
at the swearing in?

I didn't see him.

Oh, no!

Has anyone seen Sam since
yesterday

when he was upstairs
with Miss Robin Deadbreast?

Oh, no! Man, I slipped up!

I let down my guard!

Anything that happens now
is my fault.

What was I thinking?!

Well, Carla,
for God's sakes, relax!

I mean, just look around you.

Woody's got a new position.
Norm's got a job.

Cliff's got a promotion.

Rebecca's got a husband!

I mean, this is the best day
in the history of Cheers!

Nothing could go wrong today.

Hey, everybody.

Diane and I are together again.

Did you hear what I said?

I said, we're a,
we're a couple.

As a matter of fact we're,
uh, we're getting married.

Congratulations.

Fellas, I just said
we're getting married.

I think a little reaction's
in order, don't you think?

I knew it.

I knew it the minute-
the second...

I laid eyes on her,
all those years ago,

that it was the worst
moment of my life.

I knew that she was gonna ruin
everything someday!

This is it.

Hey, Carla, don't you think
it's time to give that up?

Never.

Carla...

I wasn't going to tell you this,
but maybe you should hear it.

The screenplay for which I was
so extravagantly honoured

was based on your life.

You were my inspiration.

Really?

Yes.

It's the story of a resilient,
hard working mother,

bucking all odds
to raise her six children.

Six?

I got eight.

Good God!
You breed like a fly!

Well, uh, this movie-
people liked it?

They loved it, Carla.

People were inspired by
the plight of my heroine.

Yeah?

Well, what happens to me?

I mean, you know,
to her, in the end.

Well... out of the despair
and frustration

of her unmanageable life,

she goes berserk...

and...

takes out a few people
with an Uzi.

That cost me
the Humanitas Award.

Diane...

you know, I've said a lot of
horrible and hateful things

to you over the years...

Well, if I said
something nice now,

would you get all yucky?

You have my word I won't.

Well... Diane, I...

Nah.

Life's too short.

FRASIER:
So, Sam, uh,

you and Diane
are back together,

just like that, after
six years of separation.

Six years of growing and
evolving and self-discovery,

deciding what we want from life

and realizing that
we don't have it.

SAM:
Yeah, besides, uh,

last night, we both discovered

we still like...
the same desserts.

Yeah, anyway, what the hell,
you know?

I've always wanted
to live in California.

(murmurs of surprise and shock)

You leaving us, Sam?

Well, yeah, Woody.

Yeah, I am.
You know?

It's time for me
to move on, you know?

Face new challenges and-and
Diane said she'd get me a job

at the juice bar
in her health club.

FRASIER: Well, I had no idea
you had such exciting prospects.

By all means go for it, Sam!

Here's kiwi in your eye!

NORM:
Sammy... California?!

Riots, smog, earthquakes?

Don't make me laugh, now.

There's no earthquakes
in California.

There aren't?
No, there's never been any!

See, what they tell us are
earthquakes are actually

sonic booms caused by
a project that's been funded

by the U.S. government.

You see, what they're doing is
they're creating a huge cavity...

a tunnel, if you will- right
to the centre of the Earth,

where they're gonna
build a giant computer

to control
the planet's rotation.

Can I... can I be the only one
that's heard of this?

You know, Cliff, electro-shock
therapy only sounds scary.

Let me bring in
a colour brochure.

It features Babar.

Uh, can I get one?

I'll bring in a boxful!

Can we just get back
on the subject here?

Sam is leaving us, okay?

WOODY: So, uh, Sam, what are you
gonna do about the bar?

Well, I thought I'd let Rebecca
run it for a while,

then, afterwards, I'll sell
what's left for kindling.

SAM:
Aw, come on, you guys!

Lighten up, man.
That's a joke.

FRASIER:
Sam, can I ask you a question?

And I mean this as a caring,
supportive friend.

Have you lost your
freaking mind?!

What are you talking about?

The two of you had a
relationship whose best moments

were full of anguish
and self-loathing.

After ten hours
with this woman,

you want to give up
your life, your livelihood,

and move with her
to California?!

Hey, you want to get
off my case, fellas?

You know,
I think you're turning on me

'cause I just want to get
my life going here.

I mean, look at me:
What've I got?

No family, no future,
nothing to look forward to.

CARLA:
Sammy...

I can't believe
this is happening.

Yeah, I can't either, Carla.

Yeah, after all the
cheer leading I've done for you guys,

even when I knew you
were making mistakes.

Oh, so you want us
to return the favour?

Yes, yes, I do...

And I'm not making a mistake.

NORM:
Sammy...

what's gonna happen to us?

Come on, you guys.

I mean, all you fellas do

is just sit there
and watch the world go by.

You don't need me for that.

I want to get off the bench,
you know?

I want to get in the game.

So, you just gonna desert us?

You gonna just walk out,
like a traitor?

A traitor?

I need more than this!

You know, you should
need more than this!

I am not your mother!

This is not your home!

This is ridiculous.

Come on, let's just
get out of here, you know?

We got a plane to catch.

Thank you very much for
all your best wishes, fellas,

and for making it clear
that I'm doing the right thing.

Come on, sweetheart.

I'm sorry, everyone.

This is the best for Sam,
believe me.

(door shuts)

I gave that man the
best years of my life.

CLIFF:
Yeah...

We'll get along without him.

Sure...

life goes on.

Oh, Sam, you're not
still thinking about

what those people said
at the bar, are you?

No, don't be silly.
Furthest thing from my mind.

It does bug you,
though, doesn't it?

The way they thought we didn't
know what we were doing?

I mean, we know, right?

Damn right we know!

CAPTAIN (over P.A.):
Evening, folks.

This is Captain McGovern.

I'm gonna ask
the flight attendants

to prepare for departure now,
if they would, please.

And as soon as
we get clearance from the tower,

we'll be taking off.

Oh, Sam...

In a moment,
we'll be off. Mm.

Isn't this the perfect
beginning for our lives together?

Taking flight.

Speeding down the
runway side by side,

until we lift from the ground,

leaving far beneath us
the tedium of ordinary life,

to soar into the bright,
unlimited future.

You ever hear
of the Mile-High Club?

Oh, Sam, naughty-naughty.

They give you
bonus points for it.

CAPTAIN (over P.A.):
Folks, this is your captain again.

Sorry,
but we're gonna be delayed

here on the tarmac for a bit.

We're having a minor problem
with our electrical system,

and we'll need some time
to check it out.

By the way, Sam, you might want
to take advantage of this delay

to reconsider
what you're doing.

Are you really in love
with this woman

or are you trying to love her
because you're afraid

of ending up alone?

Think about it.

Did you just hear that?

What?

What the captain said to me.

To you?!

He said they were
having trouble with the electrical system.

Why do you think he was
talking to you personally?

Oh, boy.

Oh, Sam.

Aw, this is going
to be so great.

Mm.

You're going to
love Los Angeles.

I won't pretend it's a
modern-day Athens but...

at least you'll
feel free there,

feel free to explore
your own...

ATTENDANT (over P.A.): Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your flight attendant.

On behalf of your flight crew,

I'd like to apologize
for this delay.

We'll be coming
around the cabin

to make sure you have
everything you need.

And, for God's sake, Diane,

you're a bright, alluring woman

with a great deal
to offer mankind.

Will this man
stimulate your gift

or be an anchor, pulling you

to the bottom of the sea
of mediocrity?

A fair question.

I'm sorry- what is?

Uh, nothing.

These seats are a little
tight, aren't they?

Yeah... yeah.

Well, you know,
it's been a long time

since I've flown first class.

I guess I remember it
being more comfortable.

Yeah, so do I.

I guess I remember life
being more comfortable.

(jet engines revving)

Ah...

We should've flown
another airline, you know.

(clears throat)

Well, it's too late for that.

It doesn't make any sense
to rethink a decision

that's already made.

Yeah, you're right.
You're absolutely right.

A commitment is a commitment.

We wouldn't want to change
things if we could.

CAPTAIN (over P.A.):
I'm sorry folks, but I'm afraid

we're gonna be returning
to the terminal.

We'll have you disembark

and arrange for you
to take an alternate flight.

Maybe we're being
a little overcautious,

but we don't want
to make a mistake

about something this important.

Sorry.

Hey...

You know...

Yes.

I think we both know.

Good night, ladies.
Thanks again.

Do you believe those three?

In here every night
trying to trap guys.

Yeah, yeah... yeah, you'd
never see any wife of mine

showing her face in some bar.

Yeah.

She'd make more money
in a sideshow.

Sam!

What are you doing here?

Well, we changed our minds.

I'm not going to L.A.

Well, where is Diane?

Probably over Kansas by now.

The important thing is
we came to our senses.

I knew you would, Sam.

Yeah.

Yeah, what do you
got there, Sam?

Something I've been holding onto
for a while, Woody.

Uh, I thought maybe it was time
to open it up.

Oh, my!
A box of fine Cuban cigars.

CLIFF:
Uh, Sammy...

I assume you realize that those
are illegal in this country.

Shut up, Cliff.

Aye, aye.

You know, I was hoping you
guys would, uh, join me

in a smoke session tonight.

You know, kind of a
welcome home party.

Cliffie, what do you say, man?

Buddy, I'd love to stay,
but geez, it's getting late.

I better beg off.

Oh, all right.

How 'bout you, Norm?

Can't, Sammy-
I came to the conclusion

I've wasted too
much time in this bar,

like a couple of decades.

Gonna go home to Vera.

SAM:
Vera?

My wife.

Maybe you remember her?

That is her name, isn't it?

See ya.

Well, Carla,
what do you say, huh?

Nah.
My shift's over.

I've got to get home
to the kids.

Appreciate the thought.
Maybe another time.

Doc, help me out here, man.

You want a fine cigar?

Huh?
I'd love to, Sam,

but Lilith just called

and she wants me
to bring home Chinese tonight.

I...

I hope she meant the food.

She's been really weird lately
and... you know.

W-Woody, wait a minute, man.
What about you?

Aw... can't Sam.
I gotta leave right away.

Why?

Carla's my ride.

Well, I'll give you a lift.

What-What's going on here?

Why's everyone leaving?

Come on, Sam.

It's not like this is our home.

Hmm.

Oh, man.

Gotcha!

(all shouting, laughing)

Pull out those smokes, Sam!

Let's fumigate the place!

Oh, you guys.

Diane called us
with the bad news,

so we thought we'd come
cheer you up, Sam.

Oh, man, I thought it
was something, you know,

I had said earlier
might have upset you.

(Frasier chuckles)

No, Sam, you got to go a lot

farther than that
to insult us, eh?

Besides, we knew that you were

going through
a lot of trouble lately.

We're here for you, Sammy,
as long as you need us.

All except for Peterson, who
has to get up in the morning.

You really know how to sink
a party, don't you, Woody?

Here's your bus schedule.

When are you up for re-election?

(scoffs)

Can you believe it?

I forgot our plane tickets.

Oh, oh, oh.

Sam, I'm glad you're here.

Listen, I wanted to tell you.

I really, really like Diane.

And I know you guys are gonna
have a wonderful life together.

Diane and I are finished, honey.

Ding-dong,
saved by the bell.

Well, I'm off

on my honeymoon.

Good-bye, you guys.

Oh, and, I just want to tell you
that, um, the days that I had

here at Cheers were the, they
were the best days of my life.

Really?

Ew.

SAM:
Wh-what are you saying?

You're not gonna come back
and see us anymore?

No, I will, every now
and then, you know.

But I-I'm married now.

I-I can't just hang out
in a bar all day long.

I mean, I-I have my place
in the community.

Hey, by the way,
did I tell you?

Don got a job offer
with the sewer department.

Keep your fingers
crossed for us.

Can you believe that?

I shoot for Donald Trump,
and I end up with Ed Norton.

But you did good, Rebecca.

I did, didn't I?

(gasps)

(giggles):
Bye.

See you, Trixie.

You know, Sam.
Hmm?

You really scared us
there before.

Hmm.

When you walked
out of here today,

I thought it was the last
we'd ever see of you.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry about
blowing up like that.

I hope you understand
where that was coming from.

That's all right, Sammy.

We understand.

Here you are
a washed-up ballplayer,

alcohol problem.

Sex problem.

Lost your one true love.

Twice.

No apology necessary.

Ah.

Yeah, who was
I kidding, you know?

Coming in here and telling
you guys you don't have lives.

I guess I was really
talking about myself.

God, the irony.

Irony.

ALL:
Irony.

One by one, I seem to be losing

my, uh... thrills

and, uh, tingles, you know?

I keep asking myself,

"What-what is
the point to life?"

Whoo, that's a tough question.

Yeah.

Eh.

Well, I got the answer.

Somehow, I knew you would.

Comfortable shoes.

Shoes?

Yeah, if you're not
wearing comfortable shoes,

life is just chaos.

I mean, the greatest
accomplishments in history

have been made by men
wearing accommodating shoes.

Uh, Frasier, tell me,

who do you think is the
greatest thinker in all mankind?

I don't know, uh, Aristotle.

There you go.

Sandals.

Perhaps the most
comfortable shoe there is.

You hardly even know
you have them on.

I mean, Confucius, thongs.

Einstein, loose loafers.

Wow.

I'll tell you
what the point of life is:

Having kids.

Creating life.

Sure, it's disappointing
and painful,

heartbreaking at times.

Sure, they can drive you crazy
and make you think

you just can't get through
another day.

Where was I going with this?

You know, some would say
that the search for meaning

is a, a waste of time,

that all human life
is just a cosmic accident,

an arbitrary conglomeration of

molecules evolved by chance

into an organism
with a brain stem,

condemning it to ponder,
futilely,

the reason behind it all.

I know Dr. Crane
is just trying

to keep the
conversation lively...

All I know is my life
would have been nothing

if it weren't for all of you.

You people are as dear to me
as my own family.

More so, in fact.

Really, Woody?
Oh, yeah.

Well, for one thing,
none of you call me Huckleberry.

I hate being called
Huckleberry.

That's your nickname, Wood?

No, Woody is.

Well...

I hate to get all
mushy, but I got to say

I feel pretty lucky to
have the friends I do.

Ah.

You know, no one wants
to be the first to say it,

but I'm not ashamed to admit

what I think we're all feeling.

Time goes by... so fast.

People move in
and out of your life.

You must never miss an
opportunity to tell these people

how much they mean to you.

Well, I...

I...

I...

I...

I keep coming back
to that shoe thing.

(phone rings)

Ooh, that's Vera.

That's Lilith.
Probably Kelly.

Could be Ma.
My kids.

Say, you know what,
wait, don't answer it.

Just let whoever it is
think that

we're on our way.
Which is exactly

where we should be.

(phone stops ringing)

Hey, uh,

thanks for
the Perfecto, Sammy. Yeah.

Thanks for staying guys.

Same to you.

Wouldn't be the same
without you, Sam.

CLIFF:
Yep.

Whatever guy follows you, Sam,

has some pretty
big shoes to fill.

Did you hear that?

Thus, it all returns
to footwear.

Night, you guys.

You know, I still keep
thinking though, uh,

you know, I want some kind
of change in my life.

You know something?

I hate change.

I mean, you know,

every day, you wake up,
something's changed.

Everything's just
changing so fast.

I like things to stay
the way they are, you know?

I like things you can count on.

You know, you just gave me
something to think about, Woody.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sam.

I hate it when somebody
does that to me.

Bye, Woody.

Night, Sam.

Sammy,

I didn't want to say this
in front of the others,

but you know what I think

the most important thing
in life is?

It's love.

You want to know what I love?

Beer, Norm?

Yeah, I'll have a quick one.

Know what, Sammy,
I love that stool!

If there's a heaven,

I don't want to go there unless
my stool is waiting for me.

And I'll tell you what,
even God better not be on it.

He wouldn't...

he wouldn't dare.

(sighs)

I don't think it matters
what you love, Sammy.

Could be a person,
could be a thing.

As long as you love it totally,

completely, without judgment.

Know what I think?

I think you ought to go
home and wake up Vera

with a big
kiss and then (sighs)

do what comes naturally.

Wake her up so she can watch me
eat a bucket of buffalo wings?

Yeah, well, maybe not.

(sighs)

Well, I'm off.

(sighs)

But, um, Sammy, can I let you in
on a little secret?

Sure.

I knew you'd come back.

You did?

You can never be unfaithful
to your one true love.

You always come back to her.

Who is that?

Think about it, Sam.

(chuckles softly)

Boy, I'll tell you...

I'm the luckiest
son of a bitch on Earth.

(footsteps approaching)

(knocking)

Sorry, we're closed.