Original subtitles

I need you to go to a meeting for me.

A client meeting?

Kind of. Not really.

I got a DUI last month.

I need you to go to this Sober Friends meeting

and pretend to be me.

Do you mind if I sit in?

Who wants to sponsor Tom?

Fuck it, I'll do it! You sure, Cutter?

You think you're ready, after what happened to Ollie?

Looking forward to diving in,

seeing what You feel that?

See you, Tom. That's the kind of grip this thing's got on you, man.

Why'd you take my records and my record player?

She went into Rhino Vinyl,

and this is what she walked out with.

Uh, so she has shitty taste in music.

It's not her fault. So what?

Most beautiful women do.

I'm getting a different sponsor.

I do appreciate everything you've done for me.

Do you realize, as I'm standing here,

axis a thousand miles an hour? the Earth is spinning on its

Like, if I was God spinning a basketball,

thousand miles an hour.

And at the same time it's doing that,

the Earth is going in orbit around the sun

at guess what rate of speed.

66,000 miles an hour.

thousand miles an hour. 66,000 miles an hour,

And on top of that, the whole solar system's going through

the Milky Way galaxy at guess what rate of speed.

400,000 miles an hour.

400,000 miles an hour, 66,000 miles an hour,

and a thousand miles an hour.

as that's happening, And to top it all off,

the whole Milky Way galaxy is tearing through the universe

at guess what rate of speed.

2.2 million miles an hour.

And that, officer, is why I failed to walk a straight line

as you requested a few moments ago.

Oh. Hey, what?

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm asking myself the same thing.

I don't know what's more disturbing,

a beer in your hand the fact that you got

or you're stroking your cucumber

to some soft-core make-out porn.

And not even having a hard-on!

I had a hard-on.

Well, what happened to good old "gold chip" Donny?

a top-notch job. Looks like he's doing

Come on.

Let's get him on the blower ASAP, tell him you had a slip.

No, I-it's late. I-I'll call him tomorrow.

We might not have a tomorrow

if we don't get this under control now!

Oh, darn. He's not picking up.

Yeah, well, that's top-notch sponsoring.

If I ever meet this Donny guy, I'm gonna choke him out.

Hi. You've reached Donny.

So you know what? I'm gonna... I got his voicemail.

Hey, shithead! Do...

While you're out doing God knows what,

your sponsee's sucking back beers

like Bukowski at the Golden Goose happy hour!

gold chip! You're a Goddamn I had one beer.

Get on the ball, man. You know how this goes.

You're better than this.

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for him to call back.

10 minutes. I'm giving him

After that, he's officially fired,

and I'm back on the clock.

Ticktock.

I can't live like this!

I gotta lay the truth out.

set you free. They say it'll

I hope so.

Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.

God!

That's funny. Hmm!

You know how those homosexuals have a thing they call gaydar?

too. Well, us drunks have something,

We call it drunkdar.

It's not as clever as gaydar, but it works.

Oh, hee... boop, boop, Stop scanning me! boop, boop, boop, boop!

when I see one. See, I know an alky

I can sense it.

It's like those elephants who took the higher ground

before the tsunami. No, no.

I went to that meeting for my boss.

Well, if your boss thinks you have a problem,

he's probably right.

No, no, you don't understand.

My boss got the DUI, and... Save it!

I've been in this business long enough to know

that the next word that comes out of your mouth

is gonna be a lie.

Fine. Okay. You calling dependable Donny again?

No, no, I'm calling the police.

I tried to explain it to you, but you won't listen to me.

I tried to ask you to leave nicely, and you refused.

So...

Emergency. Hi, there.

Is there a problem? Yes. I need your help.

A man climbed onto my balcony, he entered my apartment!

to send anyone. There's no need

It's my ex-sponsee, and that's his disease talking.

You think that's gonna keep them from sending someone?

- Let 'em come. - What do I care?

Just... getting arrested If it takes me

to prove myself to you, so be it.

Let me know when they get here.

Oh. I will.

Hey, you journal, too?

It's a great way of freeing negative emotions.

It's for work. It's not a journal.

I didn't know you were in advertising.

Yep.

Jumping Jack Crash!

You worked on this?

Yes.

Actually, I created the entire campaign.

Jumping Jack Crash?! You came up with

God damn! I fuckin' love that little rabbit!

Zzit! With that little lightning bolt on his head!

That cracks me up every time!

Man, I'm impressed. Zzit!

Who knew you were funny? You don't seem funny to me.

Thanks.

You should probably go. Police are on their way.

Man, that's good shit.

Whoo.

Pigs are here, Tommy!

I'll handle it. Don't worry.

Sir?

We got a call about an intruder.

Put your hands where we can see 'em.

snap his neck. One move, and I'll

On the ground, sir! Don't make me tase you!

You couldn't tase your own dick, Diaz!

Stand down, Tennely!

Good, man. How y'all doing?

Good to see you, man. Long time, Cutter.

You know the story about this guy.

He's just a little bit... All right. Just helping out, man.

Okay? Everything is good?

Everything's good.

All right.

Where are you going?! Wait!

Sorry you had to come out here for nothing.

Nothing? No, no, no!

No, no! This is not for nothing!

This is for something!

Be safe! Hey, hey, hey!

file a complaint! Wait, I want to

That was Diaz and Tennely.

We go way back. Good guys.

You... You know them?

Know 'em? I trained those two dipshits.

Didn't I tell you? I used to be a cop.

No.

Yep. 10 minutes.

That makes it official.

Donny's done.

You're mine again.

We gotta start working them steps.

No! Come on.

Got a latte for Jim over here.

You want me to talk to him for ya?

Hmm?

his shirt, Tell him to untuck

'cause he looks like a fucking idiot?

No!

All right. ♪ Taking the edge off of me ♪

♪ Is a necessity when I'm singing these words ♪

♪ That I no longer mean ♪

Excuse me. Sir? Yeah, okay.

I'm a broken heart ♪ ♪ I am not a poet,

Don't go anywhere.

Yeah.

It's Tony.

Hey, Tony.

last night. I got a DUI

calling me for? What are you 'Cause I'm in county lockup.

Why didn't you call your sponsor? 'Cause they took my cellphone,

anybody's numbers. and I couldn't remember

You remember mine? Yeah.

Your numbers spell out "shitbag."

Really? No, I just know your number.

Now, please, will you come down here and get me?

Where am I going? All right.

I told you... county.

Fine. See ya there.

Ah, shit.

No! I told you to wait!

Dodged a bullet, mom-jeans.

from your DUI? So, Tony, what'd you learn

Did you at least get some understanding

last night? of why you drank I know exactly why.

My wife opened up my bottle of Giuseppi Quintarelli

"Alzero" Cabernet Veneto.

you have a bottle of wine? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do

'Cause I bought it for an investment.

It's... It's like art.

And all of a sudden, Karen decides

to open it up to cook with it.

I'm telling you, I was upstairs, and I could smell

with the... the clove. the hint of vanilla mixed

Mmm. A little bit of cherry in there as well.

That sounds amazing.

You bet your ass it's amazing.

They age it in Slovakian oak barrels,

for fuck's sake.

Anyone ever see that film "Sideways"?

What a fucking great film that is.

It was like you're actually drinking it yourself.

Ah, man. I-I felt that way when Chevy Chase

"Christmas Vacation." drank the egg nog in

Oh, the one that got me was, uh, "United 93."

Couldn't take my eyes off those little green Jameson bottles.

I had to walk out of the theater.

Okay, that's enough romanticizing, all right?

It's just fucking booze!

brought us all here. That's the thing that

So your wife opens up the bottle.

Why you gotta drink it?

'Cause she poured half a cup into her spaghetti sauce

and then stuffed the cork back in.

suppose to do? What the fuck was I

That's a $400 bottle of wine.

Yeah, don't put this on your wife, all right?

You're responsible for keeping your side of the street clean.

But she comes on my side of the street.

And she's messing it up. No, cut the shit.

You're in charge of you, not her.

That still doesn't explain why you got into your car.

I was heading downtown to my wine locker

to grab a bottle of Screaming Eagle.

Why?

Because it's the only wine that can follow up

a Giuseppi Veneto.

Okay, you

You gotta get rid of that locker.

Right, you gotta sell it all, every single bottle.

Yeah, correct. You want me to liquidate my assets?

I want you to liquidate the liquids.

Invest in yourself, you dumb fuck!

Or Alcoa. Or mutual funds.

Hey, what are you doing?

You can't smoke in here. It's not 1975.

My bad.

I've been meaning to ask you

how things were going with your sponsee.

Hey, he's had a couple missteps.

there to catch him. But I've been right Oh, yeah?

Good.

Feels good to be of service.

Yeah.

You know, I was this close to picking up again

before Tom showed up.

Shit, really?

really struck a chord in me. Yeah, Tom's cry for help

I'm not talking no pussy minor chord.

I'm talking E major.

Wah!

Wah, wah!

Like that one that Pete Townshend hits

"Teenage Wasteland." at the beginning of

"Baba O'Riley." That's an F-major chord.

Who gives a fuck what chord it is?!

Right. Yeah, sorry.

Fucker, I'm pouring my guts out here.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

It's a great chord.

You know, when Ollie finally went south...

...it was a rough road, man.

I remember.

But working with that newbie...

it's finally taking me out of that dark place.

Yeah.

It's kind of like my...

my pineal gland is decalcified, you know.

Sure.

Thank you.

Thank you for that, man. Sure.

You got it. Any time.

Loudermilk. Man, you hard on us,

Some of you need it.

But you're doing good. You're on fire, man.

That's okay, man, but... as hard as you are on us,

on yourself. Uh... you're always harder

Uh... y-you're actually on fire.

You need me for anything else? No, no, no.

Go, go, go. You're on fire. Go.

Okay. Go, go, go.

Yeah, this ciggy is burning a hole in my pocket.

All right. Yeah, okay.

All right, good stuff, Cutter.

You home?

Hey.

Yes?

to make sure Uh, I just wanted

that Ben got you your records back.

They're all accounted for.

Good, good, good, good.

Um, are you gonna be listening to shitty music tonight,

to get to bed early. because I was just hoping

I'm kidding! I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

You know, your musical taste isn't so impeccable, either.

Well, I never said it was impeccable.

"Pocket Full of Kryptonite," Spin Doctors,

five stars? All right,

you gotta remember that when I wrote that review,

the videos had not come out yet.

You said they were gonna be the next Grateful Dead.

and I stand by the review. Well, it's a rock-solid album,

I didn't tell the guy to wear the freaking hat.

He looked like a Peruvian sheep herder.

"Odelay" by Beck, one-and-a-half stars.

Really? That was personal.

All right, listen, And yet you gushed over Limp Bizkit.

I-I was drinking and drugging pretty heavy when

"Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water" came out,

and I... I gotta admit...

that shit sounds pretty good on blow

and wine mixed with tequila

on an empty stomach.

Okay, fine, you got me. You got me.

I just... I didn't come here to argue music with you.

I just...

You know, I just wanted to make things, uh...

apologize? You mean, like,

Whatever you want to call it.

Um, I didn't mean to go off on you the other day.

That's... That's all.

Okay.

I will accept your apology,

not to get so worked up but you need to learn

over something as trivial as music.

Okay, fuck it.

Hey!

Now I was kidding.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Well, uh...

are good? so you and I

Yeah.

♪ Saying I take your private space ♪

Closed! Hey, hey! ♪ But I want none ♪

No, no, it's me! It's me... Tom!

♪ Saying that I take all your time ♪ Tom! Tom from group!

♪ But I haven't... ♪

doing here? to you. I need to talk What are you

Well, that's what group's for.

No, I need to talk to you without Cutter around.

Look, you can't just show up at...

at somebody's workplace.

Please! Yeah, tell that to Cutter.

All right. Thank you.

Okay, be honest with me.

Am I... Am I in danger?

What are you talking about?

Is Cutter insane? Just level with me.

Is he... Is he bipolar? Does he have PTSD?

What happened to Ollie?

Okay, all right, calm down.

Are you high?

No! Okay.

go sit down. All right, I'm... I'm not high.

Okay, um...

Are you 100% sure Cutter did not kill Ollie?

Yes, I am. Cutter did not kill Ollie.

Okay, because he's weird.

when he sleeps. You should see him

He stabs at the air,

and he shrieks like a fisher-cat.

When did you see Cutter asleep?

He sleeps on the floor next to my bed.

Why?

I don't know why!

All right, look...

I-I can tell you that Cutter is 99% harmless, okay?

But the thing is, is that he does give a shit.

He really, really, really, really wants you to be sober.

Okay, but I didn't sign up for this.

No, you were court-ordered.

Why can't you be my sponsor?

No, you already got a sponsor.

I think this is good for Cutter.

Good for Cutter?!

to be about me. I thought this was supposed

See, that's your problem, Tom, right there.

It's not all about you. Okay?

As soon as you get your head around that,

you're gonna start to get a handle on your disease.

I... Listen, I-I get what you're say...

Oh.

Come on, we gotta go. How did he know you're here?

He d-drove me here. Loudermilk's busy.

It's time up, okay? What?

I-I told him I had to give you my cousin's band's CD,

that they actually do want you to listen to it.

It... It's...

Is everything all right?

Everything's cool. Okay, let's go.

copacetic. Everything's so

Motherfucker!

He's a fucking cop?

He used to be. Jesus Christ, man!

He probably failed his psych evaluation.

We need to make sure he doesn't find out about us,

screwed, okay? or we could be big-time

We could get jail time for this.

How am I gonna get you promoted from jail?

No, jail? W-What do you mean, jail?

Duh! It's a felony!

Third DUI?! for my third DUI. You filling in

You didn't tell me it was your third!

Come on, you think they're gonna send me

to 30 meetings for one DUI?

Get your head on straight.

you fucked this thing up. I can't believe how much

You know, you need

to start taking some responsibility

for your actions, Kevin.

Maybe you shouldn't get all these DUIs.

Enough with the mumbo-jumbo, okay?

of these meetings. You've been to too many

Yeah, no shit! Calm down!

Okay, the good news is look what came in today.

This is your new client.

Voluptuous.

Okay.

to know her. You want to get

You want to get to love her,

because you, baby,

are taking the reins on this one.

Wait, really? I-I have the reins?

That's right. It's all you.

your Jumping Jack Crash. This is

Jumping Jack Crash is my Jumping Jack Crash.

Yeah, well, right, yeah. But now this time,

they won't fuck you out of the recognition.

They? That was you.

splitting hairs. Okay, now you're just

Ooh.

Oh, that's not bad.

That is not bad. Here.

Take a sip. Oh!

early for vodka. No, it's a little

Jesus, just take a sip.

It is your job to know what we're selling.

Okay.

Uh, the peach is nice.

It's kind of...

brunchie. Hmm.

What are you doing here? What...

You... You can't just show up at my office like this.

I'm just checking in. Plus, I brought you a lunch.

Oh. Tha... I made it myself.

Thank you.

A cubicle?

Uh...

Man, I pictured you for kind of

a corner-office kind of a guy.

You know, after all, you came up with Jumping Jack Crash.

Man, that lightning bolt Yeah, yeah.

is a piece of Americana.

ever try to sue? Hey, did the San Diego Chargers

No, they didn't.

And I will have an office soon,

but not if I sit around chatting to people all day.

All right, all right. So...

I'll be out of your... I get it, I get it.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's my new client.

It's 40% alcohol.

You sure it's a smart idea having this on your desk?

I work at an ad agency.

I'm confiscating this.

enough to deal Oh, you're not strong

with this kind of temptation.

It... It's...

Hell, it's got tits and ass and booze inside?

Do you...

You know my mouth's watering just looking at this thing.

five years clean. And I've got

Listen, I-it's work, okay? I'm not drinking the stuff.

Okay.

I'm gonna need you to blow in this.

I'm not blowing in that thing.

Yeah, you are.

Come on.

Blow like it's Betty White's 95th birthday cake.

Son of a bitch, Tom. It's 11:00 a.m.

Oh, no, no, no.

to sample some product. I... My boss asked me

I had a tiny sip. You don't get it, man! It's not a...

What?

A sip is a slip.

That's all it takes.

If I had just one sip, I'd be off and running.

Okay.

to seriously question You know, I'm starting

this work environment here.

My work environment is fine.

No.

Cutter.

Cutter, where you... where are you going?

Cutter?

Cutter, where are you...

Cutter, where are you going?

No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no!

Please... please get down. Uh!

announcement to make. Listen up, I've got an

Down. Over there, now. Please get down.

What's going on? Now.

I'm sorry to interrupt. Please get down.

My name's Tracy Cutter, and I'm an alcoholic.

young man's sponsor. I'm also this brave

I don't know who hired this guy,

but it's not funny, people.

It's no joke.

I'm blowing Tom's cover

because we're dealing with some serious shit here.

need your help. And my man's gonna

Dealing with alcoholism isn't easy.

But with your love and support, Tom can get through this.

That's why, by the power invested in me

as Tom's Sober Friends sponsor,

check his breath every morning. I'm giving you permission to

I'm leaving this here.

It's an SD-5 police-issue breathalyzer.

Self-cleaning, standard stuff.

Have Tom blow in this for 10 seconds

this button. while you hold down

But, remember, the breathalyzer doesn't check

Oh. for benzos or opiates.

So feel free to check his coat pockets and desk drawers.

But be careful while you're poking around,

No. needle in there. you might find a dirty

Remember, you're dealing with a man who sold his family dog

to the Vietcong for heroin.

What? Oh, my God!

That's right. Uh...

thing on the grill himself. He might as well put the damn

But hold your head up high, Tom.

I think everybody in this room has battled

with some form of addition... be it caffeine...

Hmm?

...food... Hmm?

and/or masturbation. ...video games

Whatever it is, communication is the key, right?

Or maybe just cutting back on those desserts.

Mm!

Anyways...

there's a saying I recently heard...

it takes a village.

You all...

You all are that village.

And Tom here is the village drunk who needs your help.

Oh, Tom.

Why would you do something like that?

No, they can't. They can fire me.

We'd sue their asses. That's discrimination.

For what?

Addicts are a protected class, Tom.

I mean, you're not protected like a transsexual.

But you're way ahead of the black guy.

As an ex-cop, I should know.

want it to get to that... Okay, but I don't

But Thomas Jefferson

doesn't want to sign the whole thing over again

until Hancock gets to use the Cross pen.

I like it, kid. Keep 'em coming.

Mr. Cutter. actually. No, that was my thinking,

That was quite a show you put on up there.

I'm sorry for the distraction, sir.

Don't apologize, Tom. I didn't know he was...

I have a brother in the program, and I think it's great

a grip on this thing. you're trying to get

I want you to know that we're all here for you.

Thank you, sir.

But the second I think you're back on that shit,

we're gonna have problems.

Boom! Understood?

Don't leave me hanging.

See, that's the kind of tough love my man needs.

Here, put your digits in there, chief.

If there's a problem, I'll let you know.

Come on.

after midnight... I'll try not to call

unless it's life or death.

Thank you. So...

The Declaration of Independence.

Fathers... The Founding Okay,

what your triggers are. so you gotta know

All right?

So, Tony,

for you, having very expensive bottles of art...

that's a trigger.

Yeah, that would definitely be a trigger for me.

I love wine.

with a box of Franzia. I used to start every morning

Don't you dare call that wine. That's shit.

I'm in high school, douchebag.

Okay, all right, but the point is, though,

is you gotta identify your triggers,

and then you gotta keep from them, right? your fingers far away

What are your triggers, Loudermilk?

Uh, I would say...

middle-age men who tuck their shirts into mom-jeans.

I'd like a serious answer from you.

here right now. We're gonna focus on the group

You're part of the group.

Yeah, how do you expect us to open up

if you can't, Loudermilk?

It's like you're Mr. Perfect,

our dirty laundry. but you want to hear

No, I'm not... I'm not Mr. Perfect.

He was being facetious.

Come on, Loudermilk. It's your turn.

Open the fuck up.

All right.

Fine, okay.

Uh...

my ex-wife.

I would say that when I... when I think about

my ex-wife and what went wrong there, I, uh...

...it makes me want to... makes me want to drink.

What did go wrong?

Hey, fuck that. We want him to relax right here.

wife makes him want to drink. He just said thinking about his

No, no, Mugsy's right.

Airing it all out can only make things better.

That's right. She doesn't pay rent in his head.

Gotta get it out.

What was she like? Yeah. Is she hot?

I bet she's hot.

Not cool, man.

She's dead.

Oh. What?

Whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?

She's not dead.

I never said What? she was dead.

You said you hit into a tree, and she died.

No, I didn't.

I-I said that I was fine and she wasn't.

Which she... she wasn't. She was really messed up.

But so...

she... she didn't die?

No. She came close.

Lost a leg.

She pulled through.

Lives in Nashville now.

Okay, so there, I opened up.

All right? Can we change the topic now?

up in my ass No, you're all

about not sharing stuff about my father,

so now it's time for you to open up.

Come on! What the hell?

I... Well, I don't know what you want me to say.

die that night. My wife didn't

Okay?

Our marriage did.

Guess you just gotta learn not to dwell on it.

Yeah, well, I'm trying.

Okay, and I think I do pretty good, too, sometimes,

that fucking song. you know, till I hear

Which one?

"Rainbow Connection."

What, by Kermit the Frog? Yeah.

My wife loved that song, and I...

I used to put it on every single Mixtape I ever made for her.

meant was when I came to So, uh, of course, what that

in the car, Kermit was just starting in on the banjo intro,

you know?

And, uh, I remembered where I was.

I looked over.

I saw all that blood

and thought...

I just killed the only woman "Oh, son of a bitch,

I'm ever gonna love."

And then the frog started singing the verse,

and that... it just repeats over and over.

Okay? So now you know, all right?

My big trigger is the song from the fucking "Muppet Movie."

Would someone else like to share something, please?

Cut... Cutter's first name is Tracy.

Don't drink. Don't drink.

Hey.

Hey!

You got a light? Yeah?

I don't smoke.

Once a pussy, always a pussy.

Dad?

♪ So maybe in my mind ♪

♪ There's an elegant land ♪

♪ In the darkness ♪

♪ Oh, and maybe in my mind ♪

♪ It's a hell of a time ♪

♪ In the darkness ♪

♪ And maybe in space ♪

♪ There's an alien race ♪

♪ I wouldn't be surprised ♪

♪ So without further ado ♪

♪ We'd like to introduce you to ♪

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII