Original subtitles

Is your Dr. McDreamy here? We should all grab a meal sometime.

I think that guy's choking.

Dr. Carl?

What happened?

This guy just saved my life.

- Not him. Him. - Oh, honey.

Loudermilk?

It's a CPAP that Carl brought over.

No, I think he did it, probably 'cause he felt guilty.

Why? Because he's sleeping with your imaginary girlfriend?

Yeah, look, not that I care, but I-I was thinking,

since it's raining outside, well,

maybe it would be a good idea if we put our shoes out in the hall

so we don't get the floor all wet.

But you don't care?

Not at all. Not at all. Oh, no.

But somebody might.

Show of hands... does anybody give a shit

if the floor gets a little wet?

- Not really. - No.

- Great. - Fuck, no.

So, you don't care, nobody else cares,

it's a non-issue.

So who would like to...

Uh, yeah, but maybe down the road

we'll get somebody who does care,

it would be good to establish so I was thinking

a "no-wet-shoes-in-the-room rule" for their sake.

That is, if you guys think it's a good idea.

Personally, I don't give a shit.

New guy, w-what's your name?

"what's my name?" Channing Tatum. What do you mean

I thought it was supposed to be anonymous.

So I'm just gonna call you New Guy forever?

Yeah, I'm good with that.

Okay. New Guy, it is.

Nice to meet ya, New Guy.

Hey.

But what if we get a new new guy?

Well, then, uh, New Guy and New New Guy'll

have to work that out.

I think the newer new guy should always get to be New Guy.

first. That's not fair. Oh, no, no, no. I was New Guy

Okay, let's... let's cross that bridge

when we come to it, okay?

Now, would somebody like to bat lead-off

with something that's actually worth talking about?

I'll take it.

Mugsy.

I had a, uh, brutal day with my boss yesterday.

I was about two seconds away from...

Yeah, you know, b-but, I'm sorry, but,

before we totally get going here,

on the "no wet shoes" thing? where exactly did we land

Hey, New Guy, shut the fuck up!

Yes. We landed there.

Okay, take it easy. I'm on your side.

Mugsy.

So, anyway, this, uh, asshole...

with some bullshit... he comes up to me again

Okay, I'm gonna stop you here for a second.

Remember, when you're bashing the people around you in your life,

you're bashing your life.

Be aware of that. You're right.

And I know he's one of my triggers...

Do you mind if I sit in?

Hey, look! It's a new New Guy!

Does it matter where I sit?

Anywhere you're comfortable, buddy.

Sorry.

- All right, breaking your balls? - Yeah.

I can't believe K-douche just stood there

and took all the glory.

the fucker didn't even mention Tom's name.

my friends. All in good time,

No. You need to stop letting that prick

take credit for your ideas.

I promise you, my day will come.

Reardon is gonna promote somebody

Voluptuous Vodka campaign. to head up the new

Kevin is going to help him make that decision.

So, no need to rock the boat.

- Tomcat? - Yes.

in my office? Can I have a word with you

- Yes, you can. - All right.

Okay.

Tommy boy, did you hear?

Arrow is... ka-pow!

Busting a nut over this campaign.

it feels good to finally see Yeah, no, I mean, it...

one of my ideas get this sort of traction.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your idea? You mean our idea?

This is a team effort, Tom.

Yeah, you came up with the rabbit daredevil character,

with you. but I flushed it out

You added a lightning bolt to the helmet.

Which is what brought him to life.

Y...

Look, I'm not trying to be ungrateful.

It's okay. You have given me so...

When I was working under Pete, I had a shit-ton of ideas

that I didn't get "official credit" for.

But right now, you just have to be patient, young grasshopper.

Okay?

your pitching skills, they suck. You're a good ideas man, but

My pitching skills don't suck.

Oh, no?

Okay, let's take a page out of my favorite movie,

"The Wolf of Wall Street."

I am the client.

Sell me this Cross pen.

Okay.

Um, all right.

Maybe we could do...

Never say maybe, it shows uncertainty, a sign of weakness.

Okay.

All right.

is in session. Imagine the Continental Congress

All the founding fathers are there, you know?

They're there to sign the Declaration of Independence.

They all have the... the old-style,

uh, quill and ink pens.

and the scratch and then... Yeah, yeah, the dip The big...

B-But now it's John Hancock's turn, he steps up,

whips out the Cross pen, signs his name

10 times bigger than everyone else in one smooth stroke.

So everyone gathers around,

about his pen, they... they want to know

they want to re-sign their names with it, you know,

but... but, uh, Thomas Jefferson, you know,

he's not having it,

he's not gonna rewrite the whole document...

unless...

he can use the Cross pen.

Wow. That is not bad.

But it's not always about what you were saying,

it's about how you are saying it.

And that needs some work.

When you are ready, you'll get your shot.

Uh, okay.

Thank you.

Whoa, whoa. Hold up there, Tomcat,

there is one other thing I could use your help with.

Shut the door.

Okay, I need you to go to a meeting for me.

A client meeting?

Kind of. Not really.

I got a DUI last month.

Long story short, I got popped doing 50 in a school zone.

Anyways, I took a plea, okay?

Now I got to go to a bunch of these meetings

drug diversion program. for this stupid

But I can't make it to the first meeting tonight

'cause I got to have drinks with Reardon.

So... I need you to go to this Sober Friends meeting

and pretend to be me.

Hmm.

You're not serious.

Of course I'm serious.

You go there for an hour,

listen to some funny drunk stories,

you get the person to sign the... the paper.

It's easy-peasy.

to a meeting tonight, Okay, but I-if I go as you

what happens when you go to the next one?

And we look nothing alike. That's why I'm sending you I mean...

to a rinky-dink meeting on the other side of town.

Uh, I don't know.

Okay. No problem.

I'll just get Gary to do it.

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Anybody but fucking Gary.

Okay, well, then, are you in or are you out?

I mean, it's just not fair!

and clinics as those other guys, I took all the same classes

and they all got hired and I didn't.

Oh, my God, Roger, get the fuck over it, will ya?

You bring this shit up every week.

Why should I get over it? It's one of my dreams.

to pursue a dream, Tony. I do have the right

Yeah, but setback shouldn't mean relapse, okay?

Everybody takes lumps.

I know.

I just got so mad, I didn't know what else to do.

Well, I guess you just got to figure out

from hiring you. what's keeping them

Maybe it's your attitude.

Attitude is important.

What's wrong with my attitude? I've got a good attitude.

You? Do you think I've got a good attitude?

Seems fine to me.

working with high school kids, Yeah, but when someone's

you... you want them to have a certain temperament, right?

Well... I mean, m-my teachers all had different personalities,

different styles.

He's not trying to be a teacher.

What are you trying to do? Oh.

High school football ref.

Maybe they thought you were too slow, Roger.

I ran a 4.8-40.

He meant slow in the head.

I completely memorized the rule book and I aced the test.

not hire you for nothing. Yeah, but they wouldn't just

I know. Exactly. I've got a theory.

I think it's because I'm British.

They think I can't figure out their football rules.

Or... it could be...

Mm-hmm?

No offense, I just mean, to be a football ref,

wouldn't you have to...

- What? - Yeah, what?

I-I just mean, let's say they score a touchdown.

Would you have to... do this?

But I can do that.

Yeah, it's probably the accent.

Sorry, dude, we're totally fucking with you.

Yeah. Got to fuck with the new guy.

I'm still New Guy. Just to clarify,

Hey. All right, now that your cherry's popped,

why don't you introduce yourself.

Oh, um, yeah.

You don't have to stand up.

but nobody does. I mean, you can,

Uh, hi. I'm Tom.

My real name is Kevin.

People just call me Tom.

It's a nickname from h-high school,

'cause I played the Tom-Tom in marching band.

- Well, welcome Tom. - Welcome, Tom-Tom.

Hi, Tom.

You want to tell us what, uh, brings you here?

Oh, n-no thanks.

This... Uh, it's my first meeting, so I'm just...

just here to listen and... ah, get this paper signed.

in charge of signing that paper, I'm the one

and I think it would be cathartic for you to share.

Okay.

Well, uh,

I've always been a big drinker, ever since...

since high school.

Junior high even.

sleep-over at Derek Daily's. Yeah, I was... I was at a

During a game of hide and seek,

I found the real milk and cookies...

his parents' liquor cabinet.

A few Kahlúa and creams later, and...

off to the races.

I was on heroin for a while.

Ah.

Yeah, it was...

it was just like that movie "Trainspotting,"

only it wasn't a movie, and...

for that sweet needle. But the things I did

Like what?

Uh...

Well... one time, I sold the family's schnauzer

to some neighbors for extra dope money.

I don't know what the Kims did with him, but...

I never saw him again.

That's some fucked up shit, brother.

They probably ate his ass up.

Oh, sorry. I'm afraid we're out of time.

Thanks for sharing, Tom. Um...

Uh, yeah. No problem.

You have a sponsor yet?

Do I have a what?

Yeah. That's a big no.

Who wants to sponsor Tom?

Anybody?

I guess I can handle it. Okay.

Tony, it's got to be somebody

who's more than two-weeks sober, okay?

I understand it's a personal best for you.

But it's... you know. - It... it's okay.

I can get a sponsor next week.

Fuck it! I'll do it!

Are you sure, Cutter? Uh...

you think your ready, after what happened to Ollie?

I stood up, didn't I?

Yeah. Yeah, you did. Um... okay.

Tom, Cutter. Cutter, Tom.

- That's it, everybody. - Um...

Take your cups with you please. - Uh...

Uh, can anyone tell me what... what happened

to this... this Ollie... Ollie person?

That's my cross to bear.

Oh, hi. Cutter.

Welcome.

Mm-hmm.

- Where are they? Indiana? - Yeah.

- Playing like, 6:00 I think. - Excuse me!

- I think I'd go with Celtics. - Mr. Loudermilk...

- Yep. - You're a believer.

Uh... just uh...

gotta get my paper signed.

Yeah.

Absolutely. See you at the next one?

Yeah, looking forward to diving in,

- You feel that? - seeing what

That's the kind of grip this thing's got on you, man.

See you, Tom.

Your disease is a sadomasochistic prick

butt rape your soul that wants to

and leave you face down in a pile of pig shit.

As your sponsor, it's my duty to make sure that doesn't happen.

You see this? This is a five-year chip.

just give these away. They don't

Uh, o... okay. I-I appreciate you wanting to help me,

but... I-I don't think I need a sponsor.

Denial ain't just a river in South America.

You sold your family dog for smack.

I know how it is. No. I'm not judging you for it.

But normal people, normies, they don't do stuff like that.

Give me your phone. Oh... um. I lost it.

Huh. There it is.

I made you a promise here tonight, Tom,

to me. and that means something

Mm-hmm.

Now you know it's me calling.

Terrific.

Say, why don't we just go grab a horchata,

the steps. we can start working

Um... Yeah. This has been really overwhelming for me,

so I'm... I'm gonna pass, but...

All right then.

I'll see you here tomorrow night!

Yeah! Yep! Tomorrow!

Hey!

How'd it go tonight? Good meeting?

It was a great meeting. Yeah.

One of my regulars really stepped up big time.

in months, This guy hasn't spoken

and he, uh, offered to sponsor the new guy.

I thought the new guy already had a sponsor.

Nah, we got a new new guy.

You should see this kid, man.

He looks like shit.

He's really been through the ringer.

I think Cutter's gonna be good for him.

Cutter? Isn't that the crazy dude

who looks like Floyd Mayweather after you add water?

he's just a strong flavor. He's not crazy. He's...

He's not crazy?

He tried to sell me a dead rat once

that he'd attached to a key chain.

Said it would bring me good luck in my love life.

♪ You've got a lot of nerve ♪

Who's playing that shit?

This is the third time this week

I've had to listen to this fucking song.

Oh, it's not that bad.

"Sugar Days"? It's not that bad?

It's 77 in my book. Which book?

"All You Need is Love"...

and 500 other songs to kill yourself to.

Google it. I can't.

Glen next door changed his wifi password again.

You're kidding me.

Nope. What a paranoid asshole.

All right. Well, we'll just crack it, you know?

It's... it's gonna be the name of one of his ferrets.

Unfortunately, he just got another ferret...

...so we're totally screwed.

from Gay Jim's place. You know, I think it's coming

Gay Jim. Across the hall? Who?

Gay Ji...

Oh. His name's Gayjum.

It's Pakistani. He's... he's married to a woman.

always smiling at me? Uh, really? Then why's he

I don't know. Maybe he's gay.

Yep?

Sounds like your Ford needs a new serpentine belt.

What year is that thing?

I don't know. You know what? I'll get it looked at tomorrow.

There's a Pep Boys across the street from my office.

Tell you what. I'll pick one up and swap it out

before tomorrow night's meeting.

me that I got your paperwork. By the way, remind when you see

We want to make sure you get credit

for all the meetings you about to hit.

Wait, wait, wait. You stole my paperwork?

It fell out of your pocket when I grabbed your phone.

It's important. No, no, no. I need that paper.

Damn right it is.

That's why it can't be in the hands of a drunkard

who already lost it at his very first meeting.

Call me No, I need that paper... if you need anything.

- No! No, no, no!! - No, no, no!

♪ So tell me why you hangin' around my door ♪

♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪

♪ Thinking I would take you back ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ I say, you've got a lotta nerve ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ After hookin' up with that skank ♪

No... ♪ I wanna see ya beg now ♪

♪ Want makes you think I'd ever think about forgivin' your ass ♪

Hey. Uh... Hey.

out here. I thought I heard someone

Yeah. Uh, I'm just...

making my nightly rounds... uh, neighborhood watch.

You want some tea? ♪ You're such a pretty boy ♪

Uh, sure.

Okay! ♪ I know exactly what you need ♪

♪ It's such a pity, boy ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ You won't be gettin' none from me ♪ I see you got some new vinyl.

record store over on Market. Yeah, I went to that little

That's a good place. Why do they have this shit?

Huh?

Uh, nothing.

I'm just checking out your records.

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

Wilson Phillips...

♪ Who-o-ah ♪

..."Glee Season 2", "Glee Season"... Eeah.

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Who-o-ah ♪

♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪

the music? Why'd you turn off

Loudermilk?

She went into Rhino Vinyl,

and this is what she walked out with.

Well, maybe she bought them ironically,

to give away as gag gifts. you know, like,

No, no. That's not ironic.

Okay? She was playing Sugar Days fucking over and over again.

That's not ironic.

It explains why she's with the doctor,

'cause t-they're fucking... you know,

they're idiots when it comes to music.

It's absolutely true! That's not true.

Do y... Do you listen to the music in a waiting room?

You can't do surgery

and also understand the intricacies of good music.

parts of the brain. It's not... It's different

It's not fucking possible.

Oh, really? Okay, well, what about Dr. Dre, uh,

Dr. John, Doctors Hall & Oates?

Look, anyway, music is subjective, okay?

what's good or what's bad? Who's to say

Uh, me.

Like, I literally wrote the book on what's good and what's bad.

Uh, so she has shitty taste in music.

So what? It's not her fault.

honestly... Most beautiful women do,

Their adorable ears pick up sounds differently

than you or I,

so stop being an asshole and bring her her stuff back.

How 'bout that? No. I can't go over there.

I got to process this. We need a cooling-off period.

Hey! Loudermilk!

Why'd you take my music?

Hmm?

I'm still processing.

has my paperwork? Your sponsor

Why the fuck did you get a sponsor?

I don't know. It j... It just happened.

I... But... Don't worry.

I'm gonna get it back from him at the meeting tonight.

Yeah, just... just get my paperwork back

and cut him loose, okay?

N... Oh, oh. Hold on there, buddy.

I think I can kill two birds with one stone here,

and you can get me the rest of the signatures.

How is that killing two birds?

you and me. You'll be helping

But going to your Sober Friends meetings doesn't help me.

Sure, it does. I'm gonna owe you big time.

You already owe me!

That is very true, but now I'm going to owe you big time.

my mandate I'm gonna make it

to help you reach the next level here.

You know this is illegal.

We can get in actual trouble for this.

The crime has already been committed, Tom-bomb.

of me showing you Now it's just a matter

that you have some follow-through.

Give us a minute here, Gary.

See, I knew I should've gotten Gary to do this.

Oh, fuck Gary!

if I'm gonna do this Listen,

I'm gonna need more than just a promise from you to help me out.

Okay. Tell me what you're thinking.

I want to take point on the Voluptuous Vodka account.

I want to be in that meeting myself,

pitching my ideas. face to face,

I want to show Reardon what I can do.

Do we have a deal?

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah. O-Okay. Deal.

Hey, man, I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Can I call you right back? - I'll make it quick.

right around the corner There's a lunch meeting

from your office.

It's not my scene, but I think you'd dig it.

By my office? Wai... How do you know where I work?

You said you worked right across the street from Pep Boys,

did a little detective work,

into your office right now. and I'm walking

Uh, no, no. Uh, stay right there.

Stay outside. I'll be right there.

Hey. Hey, pork-snout.

The meeting's just a couple blocks away from here.

business-type people like you. You're gonna love it...

How long is this meeting?

If you don't have time for a meeting,

we can go up to your office and start working the steps instead.

You can introduce me to your office friends.

No, no. Uh, let's do this right.

Good attitude.

Whoa. Hey, old-timer.

I see somebody got a new friend.

Yeah. This is Lil' Pumpkin.

Well, hey there, Pumpkin.

Lil' Pumpkin. No, it's Lil' Pumpkin.

Is that... Is that "Lil'," L-I-L, or "Little" with the T's?

Is there an apostrophe in...

Hey. Hey.

What happened to you last night?

Last night?

Oh! Yeah.

Yeah, last night. That was, uh...

It was kind of embarrassing, actually.

I-I had, uh, some stomach issues.

The Big D.

Diarrhea.

Yeah, I knew what the Big D meant,

but why'd you take my records and my record player?

If you wanted to borrow some music, you could've just asked.

W... No, I didn't... I didn't want to borrow your music.

I'm confused. I'm sorry.

I felt I had to confiscate your music

to just try to understand

why one person would buy so many crappy records.

What are you talking about? Those are great records.

No, no, no.

is a great record, okay? "Dark Side of the Moon"

"Fear Of A Black Planet," "Doolittle,"

"Houses Of The Holy"... great records.

And what's wrong with my records?

Just calling them records is a little bit of a stretch.

So now you're bashing Prince? Oh, really?

Oh, no. Love him. I love him. Love Prince.

A ton of great albums... none of which you own.

You bought "Come."

"Come" is the album that he made intentionally bad

his Warners deal. to get out of

You're a music snob.

No shit.

I was a critic. That was my job, you know?

I mean, find me a critic who's not a snob.

It just comes with the territory of being right.

in that whole box, okay, You have one decent album

and it was Pavement, "Slanted & Enchanted."

Well, Emerson, Lake & Palmer?

They're okay. They're all right.

They're horrible in concert. Horrible.

the triple live album. You brought

Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna apologize

for Emerson, Lake & Palmer.

Well, I think you just did. Look, I'm not... I don't...

I'm not trying to be a dick here, okay?

Loudermilk, Okay, you don't have to try,

'cause it comes naturally.

Hey, what are you getting so worked up about?

I... We're just talking music.

You're the one getting worked up!

records and my record player, I mean, how dare you steal my

and then you tell me my taste sucks.

I did like that Pavement album.

That's Carl's.

Of course it is.

Sorry... can't smoke out here.

Relax, Deputy, it's an e-cig... no smoke, just vapor.

That's a Marlboro Red.

E-cig.

Oh. I need to get my paperwork back.

I need to get that signed.

Already took care of it, my friend.

I'd feel better if I could hold on to that.

It's my responsibility.

Take it easy. It's in good hands.

You'll get it back once we get all the signatures.

Hey, you cool flying solo?

I want to check out the ladies.

You know I'm kind of into that girl-on-girl thing.

Oh. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Kind of.

Hey. Hi.

I haven't seen you at this meeting.

Are you new to the program?

Um, yeah... kind of new.

but it gets easier. It's tough at first,

You found a sponsor that you like?

That I like? No.

My sponsor's mentally ill.

That's him right there...

smelling that woman's hair.

Yeah, it can be hard to tell what you're gonna get

when you first pick 'em.

Oh, I didn't pick him.

He picked me.

Maybe you should find someone else.

You know, it's crucial to your recovery

to have a sponsor that you trust and look up to.

Yeah.

Wait, really? I can do that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Um, just be honest with him.

Tell him that you... It's not a good fit for you.

personally. He won't take it

These old-timers don't.

You could have your sponsor for years, you know?

It's... It's got to feel right.

Right.

Thank you.

No problem.

So, want me to be your sponsor?

Oh, um...

no.

I'll come back tonight and pick you up

for the meeting at the Immaculate.

uh, Cutter, Ah, yeah, listen,

there's something I need to tell you.

Did you have a slip?

No, I-I didn't have a slip. Um...

I'm getting a different sponsor.

at the meeting today, I-I met a guy

and we just really clicked.

You're a great guy, Cutter, I just...

I think we're a better fit, you know?

Um...

is this registering?

Yeah. Uh, okay.

Okay. Yeah, of course.

Just tears up my heart a little.

Oh. No.

I-I thought you weren't supposed to take this personally.

I am a human being, Tom.

I'm not no fucking robot!

and I'm not ashamed of that. I do have feelings and emotions,

Who is this guy?

It's not that fella I saw you talking to by the bathroom,

because I got kind of a weirdo vibe from him.

No. No, it's not that guy.

were smelling that woman's hair. I... I met this guy while you

What's his name? Uh...

Donny.

How much clean time does Donny have?

Should be two years minimum.

He just got his 10-year chip.

Ooh. Wow.

Well, that's certainly enough time.

I should probably hit the road,

get myself to a meeting and go see my own sponsor.

Rejection's one of my triggers.

Uh... I-I'm sorry.

do what you got to do. Yeah, uh,

I-I do need to get my paperwork back from you.

All right, then. If that's what you want.

Thank you. Thank you, Cutter.

you've done for me. I-I do appreciate everything

♪ Do you find it gets a little easier ♪

♪ Each time you make it disappear? ♪

♪ Oh, fools, the magician bends the rules ♪

♪ As the cro... ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try ♪

if you were Herr Barockter ♪ ♪ Imagine,

♪ Alias and nobleman, son of son of sky, and of scion ♪

♪ Part of his rich inheritance ♪

♪ Parceled and generous divorced sentence forthwith being ♪

♪ Certain blocks of land and living quarters ♪

and wives thereof ♪ ♪ Deemed by all gentlemen

♪ To be grossly humane and frankly, quiet undirty ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try ♪

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII