All language subtitles for Advanced Chemistry 2023

- -Hey, you know the party is inside, right?

Um, yeah, of course.

-Uh, it-- it's just there's a... -Yeah.

...a meteor shower tonight.

Oh, cool. I had no idea.

Well, um, I'm a scientist, so.

Ooh, cool. Like an astronomer?

No. I, um... I study the science of human behavior.

-I'm a biochemist. -Mm.

-Well, I'm a bisexual. -

I mean, I usually go for girls, but I thought I might try

something different this year.

-Oh. Okay. - Yo, Allen!

It's almost midnight, bro.

We're about to watch the ball drop.

-Oh! Uh-- -Hi. I'm Marcia.

Sarah. We were just about to watch a star shower.

-Yeah. - That's very flattering,

but, uh, usually I don't let anyone watch me shower

-until after the second date. -

-You're funny. -You're correct. And cute.

-Thank you. You're cute too. -

- Ten, nine... -You know, Sarah, I have a serious problem.

-Oh, no! -Um, it's almost midnight, and I don't have anyone to kiss.

-Oh, uh-- hey, I don't have anyone to kiss either. - Oh, no.

...okay.

Happy New Year.

-Ooh! -

- - Do you hear that?

- No. -

-Happy new year. -

Oh. Lisa.

Fantastic stuff. Allen, ready for review?

Uh, hi, Jim. That's, uh, that's set for Friday.

-Change of plans. Friday, I go skydiving. -Oh!

And starting next week,

I want both of you to do some field work.

We can't be sure what works in the lab

will also work in the voles' natural environment.

-Although Lisa's project probably will. -Oh!

I have no reason to doubt that mine will also work in the field.

Glad you don't.

Uh, I'm gonna put you in charge of organizing the field lab.

Lisa is far too busy doing some important work.

Well, you know, my research could be revolutionary.

-Helping people be monogamous and truly find bonding-- -Boring!

Lisa's work could actually help women experience

total sexual freedom!

With no concerns for feelings getting in the way!

Uh...

Okay, yeah, I get it.

Where's your presentation?

Oh. Uh, okay.

So, uh, I am, I am, uh, generating data,

characterizing, uh, hormones and the way

they affect behavior such as bonding.

-One second, this is just-- -Lisa.

Lixi. The nanodrug that balances hormones.

Nanoparticles are administered via injection and enter

into the subject's bloodstream.

The nanodrugs then track the subject's hormone levels and transmit the data

via an AI, which then sends optimal levels back.

The nanos trigger cell receptors

and then activate and close accordingly.

The subject's hormones are balanced,

resulting in greater behavioral and emotional health.

If the subject is anxious,

Lixi can upregulate positive neurochemicals.

If the subject has repressed feelings,

such as for a romantic interest,

Lixi can theoretically lift social blocks,

increase confidence, and allow them to bond again.

While Lixi is in its early stages,

-my initial findings are promising. -

- So-- Whoa! -Yeah. It's great.

-Wonderful work, Lisa! Wow! -

So, got some news.

We had budget cuts

and we can only fund one of you next year.

Wh-- what? Wait. Ho-- how can that be?

-We're in the middle of, of a r-- research-- -Not, not, not my--

not, not my decision. If you wanna talk any further,

-I'm available. Uh-- No! -Yeah, of course.

-Because we need to know what-- -Not-- not, not now.

I have dinner plans.

You might say it's a date, uh, because I'm pretty sure it is.

But, Allen, as for the review,

for now, it will have to be failure to be reviewed.

Wha-- no--

Oh, gosh.

-That's cold. -Damn it. I'm probably the one who's gonna be screwed.

-Yep. -I think he'd be more into my work,

with vasopressin and oxytocin increasing bonding and monogamous behavior.

I'd imagine, if he found someone who really liked him, he'd want to keep them.

-DEFCON 4! That means Orange Alert. -

-Hit the deck. -

Good drill. Safety Officer Nancy approves.

That's the third time this month!

Man, Safety Officer Nancy really loves her job.

Holy shit. She terrifies me.

Oh, well, on the bright side,

you probably won't have to deal with it much longer.

So, no Sarah tonight?

Hard to be your wing woman when my wife is there.

And a lot harder to pick up other women.

How can you say you love Sarah when you do that?

Man, we've been over this already.

I come from a long line of cheaters,

and when I took the 23andMe test,

-it said I'm 89% cheater. -

But enough about me and my woman.

-Let's get you laid. -You know I'm not just looking for that.

Yeah, I know. You're a nice boy who wants a wife,

but in order to do that,

you need to talk to a female first.

-I talk to females all the time. -

Most of them are rodents.

Excuse me. Uh, my friend would like to buy you drinks.

-Your friend? -Yep. That, uh, rich, sexy devil over there.

Oh. I'm, uh, not rich. I'm just a scientist.

Oh, he's being modest. He won't tell you about his giant package, either.

- Hmm. -I mean, his retirement package.

So, Mr. Mai Tai, you're a scientist?

Uh, for now. I just found out I may lose my job.

Oh. Sorry.

So what kind of science?

I'm working with voles right now.

-They're a kind of rodent. -Ew. Gross.

I mean, it is one of God's creatures,

but still gross.

I'm making some discoveries

that could help fix the behavior of cheaters.

By playing with chemicals, we can control

whether voles are monogamous or polygamous.

Humans have those same chemicals and women who tend to cheat

have shorter oxytocin receptors.

You don't need to single out women.

Men cheat more than women.

More than some women.

In theory, if we increase a person's vasopressin and oxytocin,

they become more inclined to monogamy.

There's still a lot of research to do, but this could be the first

really impactful work I've done.

I just hope I can finish, you know, before--

Why don't you two keep talking while Jen and I...

-Jen is straight. -I'm, I'm sure she was. But Marcia...

Uh, so, uh, you're a Catholic school teacher?

Does that mean you're religious?

I'm sorry. That's a stupid question, right?

I'm a little religious, but not crazy religious.

I only go to Mass on Sunday. And on Monday... through Friday.

But never on Saturday.

I also, uh, play air guitar.

I need to use the restroom.

Oh. Okay. Sure.

Why are we winking?

I love you, Jesus.

Hail Mary, full of grace!

-Hey, baby. - Hey.

Uh. Bad news.

I'm gonna be at the office late tonight.

Oh, uh. No worries.

Same here.

I love you.

And, uh, I love you.

Okay, baby, I gotta get to work, okay?

Or I'm gonna be in big trouble.

Oh, you're the best boss ever.

- -Shit! Uh,

-let's pretend I'm not here. -Okay.

- Marcia, honey. - Oh, shit!

- Oh, God, get your shit-- - Honey.

Wait. Save that for later.

- - Marcia. Honey?

-Surprise! Hey, babe! -Hey!

-Hi! -You know, I was actually on the way here when I was calling.

-Wha-- Yeah. -Emily wasn't at her desk, so I just let myself in.

That's crazy. Uh, well, you did surprise me.

You know, why don't-- why don't we go out for dinner?

Why spend all that money on a restaurant

-when I packed us a picnic lunch? -

-Just like our first date. -Oh!

That is so fucking sweet.

-Why are you so good to me? -Because you're my soul mate, dummy.

-Yeah, I am. I fucking love you. -

-Let's go eat in the conference room. -No, no, no, no, no, no.

-You know, I thought maybe we could eat some food. -Uh-huh.

And a... variety of other things in here.

You do have a private office.

Yeah, I do! Uh, this is very private.

Just a lot of work on the desk.

-I don't, you know, wanna make a mess. -Yeah.

-Just-- -I think we should. I mean, that's half the fun, right?

Hey, man. Sorry about the other night.

I was setting you up with a girl,

and next thing I knew, I was eating her out.

It's okay.

Well, other than you cheating on Sarah again.

Anyway, my conversation with that girl wasn't going anywhere.

Sometimes I have trouble thinking of things to say to women.

-Okay. Almost always. -Yep.

Always. Guess what, though?

-Hmm? -She was a squirter.

-Uh-- -Coming from her,

I would say the holy water.

-Can I get an amen? Amen-- -That's-- You know, tha-- uh, yeah. Okay.

-That's much more information than I need to hear. -Dude, we're best friends.

We're supposed to be able to share stuff like this.

Yeah, but maybe some things we can kind of keep

-to ourselves, huh? - Oh, man.

Look at us.

We used to be such nerds.

Remember that time I got called a lesbo for trying to kiss that girl

-during spin the bottle? - Yeah.

-You got so angry. -I was so angry!

-I know, the bicep flexing and everything-- -'Cause that was gonna be

the first time that I got to kiss a chick!

You know, that's when I swore I was gonna kiss every chick on this planet.

Oh, I think you have. And the fact that you had to get

adult braces hasn't seemed to slow you down.

Uh, adult braces means you're doing adult things.

- You should get you some. -

Oh, come on, man, one of these days, you find a lucky lady

that's gonna appreciate you.

Air guitar champion.

-Yeah. Janelle didn't think-- -Ah! La, la, la, la, la, la!

-Don't say that name, man. -Wha--

-You need to move on. -I have moved on!

Okay? I've tried. But still, I wasn't an air guitar champion,

I only got the bronze medal.

Although I am a minor celebrity in Oulu.

First Black air guitar medalist.

-Mm! -Uh, uh!

Still, I'd trade all my air guitar success for the right girl.

You know, I really thought that was Janelle.

Are you still letting her store stuff in your bedroom?

Yeah. Last week she brought more stuff over.

- -Now there's a kind of Janelle corner in my bedroom.

She mentioned bringing a sex swing next week.

-May have been used. -Dude, wake up.

You're a personal sex librarian, man, and that is not cool.

-She cheated on-- -Yes! Yes, I am aware and I am grateful for that

because otherwise I would never have gotten into the science of monogamy.

-And anyway, who are you to judge, huh? -

Well, actually, uh, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Sarah almost caught me with Emily.

-Your assistant? -Yeah.

Marcia, you know there's a power imbalance there!

Yes, there is! She had a whip.

- Oh, God. -Come on, bro, I need help.

You know that thing we talked about at the bar?

You mean, my studies with voles?

I need you to do that to me.

I'm tired of lying to Sarah.

There's nothing funny about that.

No, th-- we are nowhere near human testing.

You are, now! Look, I'm volunteering to be a guinea pig.

There are years of trials before human models.

Regulations!

I could lose everything!

I-- I could go to prison. Look at me.

I would do terribly in prison.

You would think I'm a snitch?

-I wouldn't tell anybody. -So--

No, I just-- I can't. What if you-- What if you have

a bad reaction? No. You know, no. I'm not even gonna consider it.

-You know what? Forget it. No. Don't even bring it up anymore. -Please. Please,

-please, please! Please! -No, it's a stupid-- What are you doing? Oh, my--

-Please! You're turning me straight! -No! What are you doing?

-No-- Stop it! This is so-- -It's so you do it--

♪ Love Love is all that I want-- ♪

-Hello. - Please, please, please!

- No! No! -Please, please, please!

-Come on, Allen, please! Please. Please! -No! You gave me a hickey. No!

Damn it, I can't.

Marcia! Marcia! What are you doing here?

Please, please. With cherry on top, man, please!

Some of the best discoveries happened by accident.

-Damn it, Marcia, I already told you I can't risk-- -

-See, that's a sign. - No, it's another spam call.

I don't mean the caller. I mean that ringtone going off in this moment.

It's a sign that I keep getting spam calls

and need to change my phone settings.

Look, bro.

If you love someone like I love Sarah

and kept getting in your own way, I'd help you.

I mean, look how messed up you are about Janelle.

-She didn't love you, but I love Sarah. -Ouch.

-Thanks for the reminder. Really nice. -All right, listen.

If your work can enhance bonding and stop cheating,

you'll save my marriage and your job.

And probably help, like, millions of people!

And your career.

Come on, man, do it for love!

- Marcia, Marcia! No! -Please. Love.

- Oh, no. -I'll send you some pictures of my bitches.

-Oh, Marcia! -

I can't promise what the effect will be.

The theory is, if you have a bond with one person

at the time of injection, this will enhance those behaviors.

I'm calling this compound... Bondo.

Dope name.

Look, I have a bond with Sarah. A real bond.

All right? Not just some physical stuff

-that I have with a couple of other ladies. -Mm-hmm.

-All right, like five or ten. -Mm-hmm.

Come on, man, numbers don't matter.

What matters is Sarah!

Also, the effect is temporary. So even if this works,

the half-life isn't more than a few weeks.

And that's why you're gonna give me some more.

Arm or butt.

Oh, God damn it. I hate needles, man.

All right, but the butt is softer, so let's do that.

Oh, no, no, no, no! This can be self-administered.

And since that's a private area, I'm just gonna

-give you the needle. -Oh, no! I don't trust myself.

-Come on, stick it in. -Fine. I'll do it.

Bend over. No, I'll stick it in.

Just stop clenching or it won't go in!

Relax your butt! Oh, okay. Going in now.

What was-- Oh.

Wh--

- -Oh.

L-- Lisa! Wh-- what are you doing here on a Saturday?

Oh, I... I just, um, forgot my laptop.

You-- y-- you shouldn't be doing that in here.

Doing, doing what? Oh, no. You thought we were--

Oh, no, no, no! Come, le-- let me sh--

C-- come, come, let me show you. Uh, look, see?

Hey! This is, uh, my friend, Marcia.

She is fully dressed. Everything's okay.

Hi, Lisa. I'm Marcia.

Hello.

Uh, so why do you have a drugged woman in the lab?

Marcia asked me to inject her with Bondo

to help her bond with her wife better.

Because she cheats a lot.

-But she feels really bad about-- -Human testing?

She was very adamant about it. I mean, she really loves her wife!

- Oh, God. Love is so overrated. -Huh?

I was in love once. You know, I only got over him when I came here

and I fell in love with the idea

of a scientific way to prevent attachment.

But don't you wanna be in love again someday?

Honestly, I just don't think that love is

a realistic goal for me.

I mean, that guy wasn't even my boyfriend.

He was just my high school chemistry lab partner, Blake.

Oh, he had this long, just flaxen hair.

- -Oh! Oh, Marcia, no, calm down, calm down. Okay.

This-- it's okay. This is my colleague, uh, Lisa.

- Oh. -You're okay.

Did it work?

-I wanna see Sarah. -Okay.

-Yeah. -That's a, that's a promising start.

- -Okay, but, uh, oxytocin is released with touch.

-So when you get home, make sure you touch Sarah a lot. Okay? -Okay.

And, and that will help you re-bond with her,

but don't touch anyone else on the way home.

It's possible that this drug could also cause fixation

on someone you don't have a bond with.

- I see broken glass! Safety check. -

- Freeze! -Come on!

-Let's go. -Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- What now? -To the janitor's closet!

-Yeah. Yeah, let's-- -Go! Go!

- - Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

I, I, I, I think we lost her.

-I think we lost her. Oh-- -

Say hello to my little friend.

- - Oh!

I'm gonna tase you like you've never been tased before.

You've probably never been tased before. Come on, Nancy!

Who the hell is that anyway?

That's Safety Officer Nancy.

She makes sure we follow protocols.

Every lab has a Safety Officer.

Normally, they're not at work on a Saturday night.

There's nothing normal about Nancy.

-Here! -

Upstairs, upstairs! Go, go, go!

And what would happen if she catches us?

- Prison, Marcia. - Prison?

-Not for me-- - I'll distract her.

-Let's see. Where to go, where to go? -

-Down there. Come on, come on! Let's go! -Go, go, go, go, go!

Yeah, yeah!

Well played.

But don't ever underestimate Safety Officer Nancy.

You hear that? Not you.

And you-- why-- why--

-Why did you help us? -Listen.

Even though we're competing for the same job,

I wanna win fair and square.

Not because Jim wants to fire you

because you drugged some woman in the lab, or because

-Safety Officer Nancy... -That's, that's, that's all you.

...wants to put you in jail.

Oh, my gosh! She won't rest until she gets us.

I know that because she never rests.

Even when there's no one to get.

Oh, bring it!

Who are you?

- -Uh, don't worry. Nancy doesn't know you injected me.

Oh, shit. You're right. I panicked. Why did we run?

You didn't need to panic, she didn't see our faces.

Yeah, but there's not a lot of people

who work in our corner of the lab.

Well, maybe somebody broke in.

Man, you really threw that beaker like a grenade.

- -That was badass.

- -I have been... stretching.

Uh...

- -Anyway, let's hope this works.

I'm heading home to Sarah right now.

I'm about to touch the hell out of her.

All right. Just don't touch anyone else.

-Are you going home too? -I don't know where I'm going.

- Hi, smoochie squirrel. -Hi.

- For you. Yeah! -Oh! Whoa!

These look so expensive!

Yeah, well, no amount

-is too much for you. -

- -Thank you.

I'm just saying, you know, I mean, they're, they're nice,

-but they die so soon, they're not-- not a good investment. -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, you're my long-term investment.

-So much touching. -Oh!

Oh, man, it was awesome.

I mean, I felt all the love that I felt

-from when we first dated. -

And now I've lost feeling in my jaw.

-Uh-- -Yeah, because of oral.

Yeah. I was doing oral sex with Sarah.

Yeah. Yeah, it-- but it, it worked!

Anecdotal, but Bondo is promising.

We may just have saved your marriage and my career!

Let's celebrate. Dinner tonight.

-I can't. Got a date with Sarah. -This weekend.

Uh, definitely. Uh, maybe, uh,

catching up on lost times with Sarah right now.

Oh, o-- okay.

-Psst! -

-Did the eagle land? -The-- the eagle?

-Your project! Did it work? -Oh, yeah, it wor--

Yeah, it would seem that it did, yeah.

-Wow. So maybe it's really a novel discovery. - Yeah!

Well-- you know, we have to see yet, just...

You know, uh...

...trials and all that.

There can be only one.

♪ Baby, I get so lost ♪

♪ I can't stop the thinkin' about your touch ♪

♪ And I need ten dollars ♪

♪ You give me a buck ♪

♪ And it makes me stuck ♪

♪ It makes me stuck ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Baby, baby, since I met you I can't think of nothin' else ♪

♪ All you gotta do is look at my way ♪

♪ And my heart starts to melt ♪

♪ And if you want this lovin' then come get some I've been savin' up ♪

♪ Sure, I haven't been tryin' too hard to hide that you're the one I want ♪

♪ The one! I'm stuck! Oh, oh, I get so stuck ♪

♪ Oh, oh, God, yeah, so stuck I get so stuck, oh ♪

♪ Ooh, I'm stuck ♪

♪ I get so stuck, oh Oh, God, I get so stuck ♪

♪ I get so stuck ♪

Sarah, Sarah, eyes! Focus.

I need that report very soon

or I'm absolutely, positively gonna lose it.

Yes, Lou, you should lose it. I'm, I'm--

I'm so sorry that I'm so far behind.

It's been a crazy week. And I--

-Same here. -Sorry. Yes, you're right.

I-- I promise to have that report for you

-by the end of the day-- -You're on the clock!

- Sorry. - ♪ ...picnic ♪

-What is happening? Do you hear that? -What? No.

How can you-- you, you-- okay, it's you then. Okay. What is that?

-Probably nothing. -You know what it is. That's why you're saying you don't know

-what it is. So you know what it is. -Mm-hmm. I know

it's my wife. I'm so sorry.

♪ Ooh, we're havin' a pic-- ♪

-Hey! Hey, honey. -Marcia! Hi!

I brought us a picnic lunch. You know,

-just like the first date. So-- -Uh, Lou, this is my wife,

Marcia. Marcia, this is my boss, Lou.

-Hi. It's great to finally meet you. Hi. -Nice to meet you as well.

- -Yeah. Um, I've got a great idea.

Why don't, uh, I call my husband

and he can join our meeting?

Wait, I thought you are divorced.

Uh, I'm making a point, Sarah.

Yes. Sorry. Marcia, you should've called first.

-Ah, I'm so sorry. See you tonight? - That's okay.

Uh, no, I-- t-- I have, uh, I have ladies night tonight, so...

-Oh. Can I come? -Well, no, I'm sorry.

-It's no partners, so... -Oh. Okay.

-I haven't had lunch. -Oh.

Oh! Oh, great. Actually, maybe we'll keep this

and, uh, we can have-- we can work through lunch.

Sure. Um, great to meet you, Marcy.

-Uh. Marcia. But-- -Goodbye.

-Okay. Okay. -Goodbye, Marsh-- Marsh--

-Marc-- -Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

- Late-- -Huh.

Oh, I love basketball.

Mind if I join?

Excuse me. Hey, you look like a fellow lonely man.

I have a pair of messages for you.

Emily, I told you, it's over.

Okay? I'm a "one woman" woman now.

Monogamy? Ugh, that is so last year.

- -I told you, it's over!

Good afternoon, Ms. Marcia.

-I'm here to clean your carpet. -

Nope. No more carpet for this one here.

Oh, it's been way too long, Marcia.

Yeah, I feel like I haven't seen her in forever.

-I meant since I saw you. -Oh, I thought you meant Sarah.

It's been nearly ten hours.

I think I've created a monster. Look, I am really happy for you,

but I'm feeling kind of abandoned here.

You're so into Sarah 24/7 that you never wanna hang with me anymore.

And when you don't hang with me, then... neither do the ladies.

Anyway, being this focused on your wife

isn't exactly healthy.

But I'm so in love!

And this is how our marriage is supposed to be.

Or at least it should be, if Sarah seemed to love me

-just as much as I do her. -I'm sure she's just busy.

People need to have other things in their lives, you know,

friends and such. Hi, Allen.

-Me, you. -You're right.

Why don't you come over for dinner with us Friday night?

-It's a date? -Uh, not really a date.

Not for me, but yeah, sure. Why not?

-Got any of that Bondo left? -Of course, I always have it with me.

It's my work baby.

Great. I want you to inject Sarah with it.

What? No. What-- are you-- are you--

I'm not going to inject Sarah!

I was already out of bounds injecting you.

But at least that was your choice.

So you're gonna force me to-- No, no. Listen,

I am-- am-- I live in terror of Safety Officer Nancy.

-No. -Oh, come on, man, do it for me!

-No! No! No-- -Then do it for Sarah.

-Well, do it for lov-- -No, that's not gonna work this time.

No, it is unethical.

Uh-- You and your ethics.

Look, okay, I know how I can make this work.

-I'll pretend to be drunk. -Oh, and you'll pretend to be drunk?

-I'm a method actor. -No, listen, just because the injection worked on you

does not mean it's gonna work on Sarah!

Drugs affect people differently.

Uh, Viagra works great for some men,

but gives others four hour erections,

followed by really awkward hospital visits.

-The answer is no. - Please, please,

-please, please... -No, no, Marcia, don't even try that.

- -The answer is no. The answer--

the answer is no!

Mm! Gosh!

This tastes so good.

Baby, I love you so much.

-I love you! - Baby, baby,

why don't we have babies? I-- I want babies.

- -Marcia... you know I'm not really in a place

in my career where I feel financially stable enough to start having babies.

My mother always said, "You have babies too soon,

you derail your career, and that leads straight to homelessness."

-And I say, "No, thank you." - Homeless, shlomeless.

What a joke.

Your mom's not the boss of you.

-Uh-- -Well... a little bit.

Even though her boss and her mom are both bitches.

- -My mom is stern, but she gets it.

So, yeah. Um, I think you've had enough to drink right now.

Baby, I can never get enough of you.

- -Okay.

-Sweetie-- -Well, that's my cue to go.

Oh. Uh, oh. Uh, I'll get your bag.

Sarah, dinner was great, as always.

-Uh, thank you. -Oh, I'm glad you came.

You know, I spent only $9 on all the ingredients.

-Wow! Last time was 11, now nine? You're getting better. -Mm-hmm. I know.

I know, I'm trying to get it down. If I can get it down to five--

-Let's do it again. Thank you so much. -I'd love that. Thank you.

-Oh, my pleasure. Oh! -Uh! Uh, thank you, Sarah.

-You're welcome, Allen. - No, we'll definitely do it again.

-Okay. I hope so. -And...

...and, uh, thank you for dinner.

-It was absolutely, absolut-- - I--

It's amazing!

- -Oh! Ow! Oh.

-Oh-- No, no! No, no, no, too much touching. -Ow!

-Too much-- -Ow!

- Shit-- -

- Sarah, I'm so sorry. -

- You okay? -Oh! Oh, help me up!

All right, you're gonna be-- Oh!

-Uh... -No--

Oh, it's like something pricked me.

Are you okay?

- Oh! -Oh, no. Marcia knocked herself out.

Oh, that's okay. She was gonna pass out anyway.

Why don't we just let her sleep it off?

But she... she really loves you.

I know. Sometimes it kind of feels like it's too much d--

-Is there such a thing? -I don't know,

you tell me, Mr. Science.

- - You're funny.

Yeah, well-- Speaking of science,

there's a, a-- a super wolf blood moon tonight,

-and I'm going to go see it right now. -What?

I don't know what that means, but it sounds amazing.

-I'll go with you. Let's go look at it-- -No. You know,

I'm-- I'm gonna help you put Marcia to bed.

Just leave you guys alone. Do your own--

No! I wanna see a super wolf blood moon.

I'm just gonna go. Think of-- No, no. Think of sweet Marcia.

-Sweet, innocent Marcia. -No, no, no. Marcia-- No--

Lovely, lovely Marcia. S-- Sarah!

- -Oh, oh, there, there! See?

-See? There it is. Wow. -Wher--

-It's in the umbral phase now. -Ooh-- Umbral.

No-- and, oh, the stars are so bright.

Oh, look, look! Oh, the big dipper!

-Ooh, the Big Dipper! Come here. Come here, baby. -No-- Stop!

-Come here. -Sarah. No!

-No. -Don't you remember the very first time we met?

I mean, you were trying to see a star shower,

and I felt so attracted to you.

-I felt this, like, deep connection with you. -No, no, no. You--

You and Marcia have a deeper connection.

No. Now I feel smothered.

No, I am feeling a little smothered myself.

-Sarah. Oh, I have-- I have a thing I have to do. - Yeah?

-I got a thing too. -No, no, no, not this,

-not this, Sarah. Not-- Sarah! -

Okay, so, last I remember, uh, we were having dinner.

I stole your needle and tried to inject Sarah.

And that's it. You must have stopped me, huh?

Oh, um, no, I actually, she-- she got pricked.

-What? -No, no, but-- but, uh...

...like I told you, it, uh, doesn't work for everybody.

- -Come on, man. Damn. I'm so sorry I was so drunk.

-Mm. Oh, I left right away! -I don't remember you leaving.

Right after dinner. Just... got out of there

in a very timely fashion.

-Something seems different about you. -What?

-Did you get laid or something? - Oh!

What-- the what-- Why would you say that?

-You act like it's a bad thing. -Yeah, it would be.

It would b-- it would be a terrible, terrible thing.

And I wouldn't do a terrible thing to--

-to a friend. Huh? -

-Who keeps calling you? -You know, it's a spam, likely.

Uh-- bye-bye. Okay. I, uh,

have this very important work thing I gotta go do.

-Uh, with the rodents? -Yes.

Technically, I got this, uh,

meeting at a field lab this afternoon,

and I'm going to study them in their natural environment.

So excited! Rodents! Love my rodents.

And love my friend.

Bye.

Why are we still friends?

-Hey, are you okay? -Yes!

No. Maybe.

That was clear.

- - Um,

well, if y-- if you need someone to talk to, then maybe, um--

Uh-- how's your research coming?

Well, uh...

...Marcia's wife, Sarah, got exposed,

and it triggered some latent feelings.

And now, she's after me.

-That's a lot. -Yeah.

God, you're right. Sometimes being in love is not a great thing.

Yeah, almost never.

I had a girlfriend once, who...

...cheated on me.

-Mm. -God, I still loved her,

even though I, I hated what she did.

So, maybe you're right to be developing a hormone regulator.

Maybe I could've benefited from that at the time.

I guess we're not so different, you and I.

Are you quoting from a movie?

Like, 417 different movies.

Yeah, I thought that sounded familiar.

- -Yeah.

So, um...

...could you maybe

help rebalance Sarah,

stop her fixation with me?

Y-- you want me to risk my career with human testing?

No, I'm-- I'm sorry, Allen, I-- I, I can't do that.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Human testing?

Sad face.

- Oh-- - Take my money!

What-- Sarah, what are you doing here?

-'Cause I ran here. -You ran ten miles?

Yes! But Allen, when you're in love,

ten miles only feels like eight or nine miles.

Allen, I have feelings for you. I'd divorce Marcia today

if it made financial sense, which it doesn't.

-Mm-mm. Mm? -But guess what? I think I'm in love with you.

-No! -I don't really understand why I love you,

because it feels very sudden, but it's very true.

- -I love you, I do.

Oh, this-- this is Marcia.

- -Yeah. S-- Sarah, you need to go home.

-And we, we will figure this out, okay? -Okay.

-Together? Mm-hmm. -Okay.

H-- hi, Marcia!

- Bro, Sarah went on a run this morning... -Mm?

-...and hasn't come home yet. -Oh, yeah.

I mean, she's been really stressed out at work,

so I'm sure she just went on an extra-long run

-to blow off some steam. -Yeah, maybe.

-Hey, you were really weird at lunch the other day. -Uh-huh.

I'm a science nerd. We're weird.

I mean, extra weird. Not just science weird, Scientology weird--

- -God damn! What was that?

Nothing. I was just horrified

at being compared to a scientologist.

Oh, dude, that was mega overreaction.

- -Uh, what the hell was that?

Nothing. Just, uh... appropriate volume level reaction

to the Scientology thing.

-Uh, anyway, I feel like Sarah's been distant. -

-That injection clearly had no effect. - Yeah. No--

-None at all! -No, I know I used to be that way with her,

but it, it feels really shitty.

-Oh. -Marcia. I, uh, gotta go.

Gotta, uh, eat something.

-Well, actually, maybe-- - I want you more

-than I wanted you last time I saw you. -No. No, no, no.

The more you see me, the more oxytocin your body releases,

making you more attached to me, which is why you need to not see me!

Oh, God, I love when you reduce my psyche to biochemistry.

- -No, no. Wa-- S--

Oh!

-Ha! -

-No, no, no, no-- -

I can wait out here all day!

Good, 'cause I'm not letting you in.

Oh, God. No, but you gotta go home

or Marcia would know something is up.

Fine! I'll go home!

Marcia, how's it going?

Sorry, I was, uh, abrupt before.

Yeah, you hung up on me before I could tell you that I'm almost at your place.

Now is not a good time, Marcia.

You're never busy. You wanted to go to lunch.

-Uh, see you in a second. -Wha--

Perfect! We can tell her that we're in love!

No, not a thing! Oxytocin.

Plus, if she found out, she would literally murder me!

Have you seen her biceps? Now, just go to my room!

I thought you'd never ask.

Stay in there until I can get rid of Marcia!

Okay.

Whatever.

Marcia! Marshy, Marsh.

Marshy! Marshmallow.

Good to see you, everything good? Everything good.

Everything good with me. Everything good with you?

Nah, man, I've been feeling down.

Sarah is never really around anymore.

Yeah, I mean, just-- I wouldn't know anything about that.

-What? -Mm? I said I wouldn't know.

-I-- I don't know where she is. -Uh, you said you thought

-she was still running. -Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

She's just probably on a long run.

Lots of stamina, that one.

You know, really Forrest Gumping it out there.

-Yeah, right? -You know, maybe I deserve all this

-from her, you know. I thought of all the times I've cheated-- -

You okay?

- -I was just saying that, you know,

maybe this is some type of cosmic payback

-for all the times I cheated-- -

Hey, are you sure you're all right?

I feel it's-- let's go get some food, huh?

-You know, I'm so hungry-- -Uh--

All right, well, uh, let me just take a quick piss--

No, no, no, no, no, no! I need to eat now.

You know, the gastritis is acting up.

You can pee at the restaurant. It's way cleaner there.

-Smells fresher, you know, right? -So silly, man.

-I'll be real quick. -

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no--

Oh, man. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna get you

some cough medicine while I'm in there, all right?

Oh, wait, wait, wait--

Dude! Rose petals?

-Mm-hmm. -For who?

-For myself. -What?

Why? Why would you do that?

I'm romantic. And today

I am on a date with myself.

-Mm. Spirituality. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

-What the-- is that Janelle stuff? - Yeah.

-This is, uh-- -Yeah. See? It's not all sexy.

Some of it i-- uh, you know, she promised that she'd take most of it

when she moves to a bigger place.

Yeah, well, what else she got?

-I don't know-- -Maybe I can tak--

Oh, nothing. Nothi-- nothing's in there that--

-you know what-- -...see, let's see in there.

I know what she already has of yours.

-Wha-- -Your balls!

- That sounds really bad, bro. -It's fine. It's a thing,

-you know, when I'm hungry, it's a thing-- -

Did you just cough and talk at the same time?

- Yes. Yes, I did. - I didn't even know that was possible.

Oh, it is, it is. I'm a scientist, so I would know!

- Hi, baby. Yes-- - No! Please, you gotta--

She's gonna kill me if she finds--

Please stay. Please! No! Sarah!

-Honey, I'm gonna fuck your fucking brains out. -

- - Stay, please!

- - No! Stay!

Stay in there, please, I'll do anything--

-Allen. Ooh! -Yeah. Yeah!

-That felt amazing. Yeah. -It sounded amazing too.

-It felt pretty loose. -There-- you're ready to eat!

-Let's go eat. Let's go eat. -Yeah!

♪ Hey, oh ♪

Hey, hey! There's my favorite neurobiologist.

-Oh, Jim. Hi. Good. Uh, I-- I wanted to talk to you... -Whoa!

-...about my-- -Oh, Allen!

-You're also here. -

- Yea-- -

Allen.

Your shirt...

...is so soft.

And I bet your research is compelling.

Uh, okay. Thanks.

You know, you and I have never socialized outside of work.

No. And it's time we change that.

We should do some fun bonding activity.

Did anybody say aerial adventures?

No, nobody said that. And I'm a little bit afraid of heights.

-Just a little bit, just-- but-- -Oh, great. Saturday it is. Saturday!

Fun!

Oh, Allen, you're a special, special guy!

Oh, Jim, um, uh-- we-- we've never socialized outside of work.

-Yeah. - Do you want to do something?

What?

-That was odd. -Yeah. Shit.

I'm terrified of heights.

More terrified than you are of Safety Officer Nancy?

-Tough call. -

Speaking of our illicit escapades, there's, uh,

there's something else I need to ask you.

Let me guess. You want me to risk my career

using my experimental drug to save your friend?

-I already said no, Allen. -Look, look, look, Sarah is having

a bad reaction to the Bondo. She's fixated on me.

She's a danger to herself and to others.

I need your help, please!

You're the only one that can.

-So it's really working? -Yeah. She showed up at my house yesterday,

and there was this whole thing with the rose petals. Anyway, look,

if you administer the Lixi,

it should rebalance her hormones.

Safety Officer Nancy!

What are you doing all the way out here?

Where there's science, there's Safety Officer Nancy.

-Mm. -And I'll ask the questions.

- -There was an incident at the lab last weekend...

-Mm! -...by your work stations.

-Know anything about it? -No.

No, we don't go near incidents.

-No, I-- -I mean, I, I, I don't go near--

-I stay away from incidents. -I can't speak for Lisa, she's a grown woman.

-She-- I mean, but-- uh, maybe she might go near incidents... -No incidents here.

-No. No, no, I no-- -...but she probably doesn't go near--

-But we'll keep our ears open. -Yes!

- Oh, good! No one likes closed ears. -Mm.

-Mm. -So...

-...what's going on here? -Nothing. Nothing.

Just, uh, science and talking about, uh, voles.

-Don't lie to me. -Science stuff.

Everything here is up to spec. You don't have to worry.

Oh. I wasn't... worried about you, Lisa.

You never break the rules.

You're too afraid to even take off your bio suit.

♪ Ooh, ooh, girl! I'm gonna love you so good! ♪

♪ Ooh, girl, I'm gonna love you like I should! ♪

♪ Ooh, girl this is a song for you! ♪

♪ Ooh, girl! Can't wait to see ♪

♪ That sexy thong on you! ♪

-Hey, honey hamster. -Hey!

You know, since you've been working really late,

I just decided to make you your favorite dinner,

uh, followed by a romantic bubble bath!

-Thank you. Um-- -Yeah.

I have a work thing.

And, um, that's a lot of touching.

-Oh, sorry. Yeah. -It's all right.

Y-- you know, it's crazy, I, I checked your calendar,

-and I didn't see anything. -Because it just came up.

-It's very last minute. Uh, it's dinner with the top brass. -Oh.

-Mm. -So I should probably go get changed

into something big brassy, you know?

But you should have-- you should eat!

Have that romantic bubble bath.

And, um, you know, my mom always said,

"Be your own best lover." You've-- you've ea--

-you've earned it. -Yeah.

I guess I-- I guess I did.

I don't even like salad.

- Hi. -Sarah!

- -But how did-- how did you get here?

Uh, my car. It's pretty standard form of transportati--

No, I mean. How, how did you find out where--

Look, listen, these feelings you have aren't real.

Mm, I mean, I've just always wanted to do it in a field station.

-So-- -Wait. You have? Why?

Uh, no, actually, I-- I guess not.

You know, but now that I'm here, so... Come here, sugar butt.

I-- I'm not your sugar butt. Marcia is.

Ugh. Marcia should've thought about that before she cheated on me.

-You know about that? -Oh, I knew it!

-And you just proved me right. -Oh! No, no, I didn't mean to--

-Marcia, she loves you, and I, I didn't-- sh-- -It's fine! I'm fine,

because, you know, I've kind of always wanted to open things up.

No, no, no. Listen, you were injected with my drug Bondo

the night I came over at your house. It's a mixture of chemicals

-that includes oxytocin and vasopressin. -Mm-hmm.

G-- No, no, no, no, no. Look, Marcia tried to stab you, and I tried to stop her,

but we all fell at the same time, and because you were touching me

at the time, you fell for me instead of for her!

Okay? It's not love! It's chemicals.

And okay, you must have had some latent feelings for me,

-but it's not-- -You know, I know what I feel. You.

No, Sarah. Sarah, no, Sarah, please.

-No, Sarah, think of Marcia. Marcia! Think of Marcia. -

- Sarah, please. No, no, no, no, no! - Oh, I'll think--

- Please! Don't! Please! -

Sarah. Sarah, Sarah, please, think of Marcia.

-Sa-- Sarah. Sarah, please! -

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! -

Oh!

- Freeze! -Uh--

- - Ho--

How did you get in my computer?

I have my ways.

What the hell is going on there?

N-- no-- nothing. Just a m-- um, a minor accident.

Oh. Then why all the screaming?

Lisa, you sound like an armadillo in heat.

No! No, I'm just OCD. I'm just very, very OCD.

And just-- we just-- um, there was just a little bit of, um... goop.

-Sorry. -You know the drill.

Accident in the lab, hit the showers.

Don't make me jump through this computer.

Wait, you can do that?

-N-- ne-- never mind. - No, um, technically,

we're at a field station, so it's not--

But okay. Um, yeah. Right.

-Yeah, okay, so-- -Okay, uh, so you, you can have first shower.

Uh--

Hey.

Uh...

...you tried to use Lixi

to help me last night.

-But instead, I got hit with it. -Yes.

-Wh-- why did you do that? -I don't know,

I, I just saw how crazed she was.

And then Nancy told me that I would never break a rule. And just...

- - something just came over me.

-Me too. -Well, maybe that scared her off.

-Sarah. - Yeah, maybe.

♪ Love Love is all that I want ♪

Speaking of who?

- Mm. -I'm gonna--

♪ It's the meaning of life ♪

♪ Love, gotta get me a wife ♪

Sarah, you can't come to my workplace.

I got attacked by a ninja. Are you okay?

She's not a ninja. She's my...

-...coworker. -What? Then what the hell was she doing

attacking us with a needle and wearing that outfit?

She was trying to inject you-- You know what? It's confidential.

And the bio suit. Well, she's kind of a germaphobe.

-Why was she trying to inject me? -I asked her to

because I thought it might help you get over me

and fall back in love with Marcia.

-Never. -You're forgetting all the things

you love about Marcia!

She takes care of you when you're sick.

She always tries to put the thermometer in my butt.

Ugh. But it's a more accurate reading.

Here, let me help you with that.

-Oh, I-- I'm so sorry, I-- -No, no, it's okay.

Here.

No! No, no, no! Don't touch the dirt. It's dirty.

-Yeah, we're in a field. -I know!

Hmm? Jim just texted.

That's weird. That's never happened before.

-What did he say? -"Thinking of you."

Oh, that is weird. Maybe it's a wrong number.

Yeah. For sure.

"This is Allen. Wrong number. Sorry."

Oh! "Thinking of you

and your work in the field today."

Well, that makes sense, I guess.

Technically he knows we're in the field,

and so, he'd be thinking of us

-doing our studies? -Yeah, but "Thinking of you" sounds way too romantic.

I mean, and, and, and, and where's my text?

You're jealous!

-Oh, you want a romantic text from Jim too? -I'm not jealous!

Why would I be jealous of being "me too'd" by my boss?

And, and-- and why are you in my face?

Oh. Um. Sorry. Uh, uh--

N-- no, it's okay. I mean, I--

I mean, if, if you wanna be in my face,

-that's fine. -

Okay. He just sent a mouse emoji?

Well, I mean, I think that, that kind of does make sense

'cause I don't think there's a vole specific emoji.

Yeah, but for my boss to be sending me emojis,

-does that make sense? -

I mean, at least it's not a gif.

- Yeah. Ooh, vole! -

- - Oh, my--

-Ow! -Lisa! I am so sorry.

-Are you, are you okay? - I'm fine.

-Oh, geez. I'm really sorry. -I'm fine.

-I keep putting you in danger. - I mean, it's okay. I--

I mean, with germs everywhere, I'm always in danger anyway.

Maybe I could, uh, make it up to you.

Maybe we could grab dinner

or even just lunch.

Coffee could be an option.

-Uh-- -What's that?

- - Geez. Oh!

-Oh. Uh, I'm sorry. -

No, Lisa, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Uh, Na-- Nancy. What, uh, what are you doing here?

That's Safety Officer Nancy to you.

Gotta confirm that everything's up to spec.

Just the normal usual stuff.

Not harboring any suspicions about you.

- What suspicion? -I don't understand.

Are those your precious voles, Allen?

-Uh-huh. -They look like tasty little critters.

-Oka-- -Mm. Make good tapas.

You can't e-- ea-- eat--

I'm not gonna eat your stupid rodents!

I'm just saying, they look tasty.

Look.

That's all.

Did--

Did, did she just vanish?

- She was in camouflage. -Wha--

Okay. Just got this from Jim.

-Oh. Oh, he likes you. -Mm-hmm.

Why is it bulging like that?

Whew, that is not what I imagined

when you said we'd go to a toy shop.

They make orifices look so real these days.

You know, I think I'm doing something wrong.

-I need to spice things up. -Yeah.

Uh... uh, subject change.

I, uh, have some news.

I got a date!

-Get the fuck out of here! - Ow!

-With who? -My colleague, Lisa.

The one you're competing with for your job?

- Yes. -Hot.

No, confusing.

'Cause see, I don't know if I'm really into her

or if it's because I, I accidentally got myself injected

while I was in physical contact with her.

How did that happen?

Uh, it's, uh, it's a long story.

-As long as this. -Oh, stop it!

Look... I don't think you're gonna win

Sarah's affection over with sex toys.

Damn it. You're right.

I need to make a grand gesture.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-Very unlikely. -Custom art!

- -Yeah. See? There it is.

I am really sorry

that you can't eat anything here.

Oh, no, it's fine.

I-- I just don't eat anywhere

where anyone else prepared the food.

- -So, not in restaurants?

Yeah, exactly.

Um, but enough about me. I heard that you...

...play air guitar.

Well, um, I don't usually tell people about this,

but, yeah, I do. Really well.

Well, then, why don't you tell people?

In this country, great air guitar isn't afforded

the same level of respect as it is elsewhere.

So you're saying that other countries respect air guitar?

Well, one country, um...

-...Finland. -Well...

...I think that you should share your talents with the world.

Or at least with me.

Well, thanks again for walking me home.

I-- I mean, even though I've never

really been attacked around here,

-only at the field station. -Oh, gosh.

Again, I'm so sorry about that.

Sarah has a really big thing for you.

-I can see why. -Yeah, because I injected her with Bondo.

- -Although I haven't seen her since that night,

so maybe it's worn off, thank God.

That's great, but that's not really what I meant. Um...

...I had a really nice time tonight.

Oh.

Me too.

- Oh! What are you doing? -Oh.

I'm so sorry, I-- I thought you wanted me to, uh...

-...kiss, kiss you. -Oh. Oh, I-- I do,

but, uh-- oh, I'm so sorry. I just don't feel comfortable

-with physical affection in public. -Oh, okay.

Or private.

Uh, but, but how do you, uh--

- -Not that it's any of my business.

-So at all, really? -But--

-Yeah. -

- What? -Hi, my little Wonder Woman.

I got something for you.

-Huh? -Oh, my God. Wow. Wow

Is that-- are you worshiping me?

Oh, come on, baby, you know art imitates life.

Okay, well, I guess it's the thought that counts.

I told you not to buy art without me.

Oh, I'm so glad we could do this together, Allen.

Allen! Allen!

-Tell me about Allen. Your likes, your loves... -Mm.

-...your passions! -My, my, my, my passions?

Yeah. What makes you tick?

-Base jumping, spelunking. -Uh--

-Oh-- Uh-- -What is it? Archery?

-It's, uh, I play-- I play, uh, air guitar. -Huh?

I didn't realize you can be so hysterical!

Actually, I, uh, I'm, I'm kind of serious.

-Huh? Man, oh, God. Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

-That's amazing. - Thank you.

-My man, my man. -Yeah, yeah. Wha--

-What exactly-- what exactly is happening right now? -Okay.

-Are you ready for-- come on. -Oh! Oh, okay!

-Mini bungee jumping. -Uh-huh!

-What? That-- Wait. No, that seems... -Yeah! Hey!

-...way too short of a distance. -That's what makes it so thrilling.

Full-length bungee is so passé.

-Wh-- Uh-- -And you know, I get the feeling

that you'll be the one who'll be keeping his job!

Yeah! The only way I change my mind

is if you do something-- I don't know,

-uh, illegal, like, rogue human experiments, you know? -

- Man! - Oh, my neck!

Whoo!

Whoo!

That was amazing, Allen, you--

You gotta share this talent with the world!

Ah, I do. Every summer in Oulu.

-No, I mean the non-Finnish world. -No. They'd make fun of me,

and, uh, I've dealt with enough of that as a kid.

You know, I can't help but notice

there are a ton of boxes in your--

Yeah. And, uh, the sex swing,

that's, that's new. Uh, they all belong to someone else.

Uh, we broke up a long time ago. I mean, she broke up with me.

I never agreed to it, but still, the end result is,

uh, still, still, still the same.

- -Hmm. Well, you know,

I'm sure that she doesn't have all of your stuff in her home, but--

No.

That's okay.

Come here, rock star.

- Oh. -Mm.

Uh--

Jim said that your adventure day went really well.

-Do you really need this? -It was more

for the involuntary spasms after.

- Oh! - Yeah.

I should tell you something that Jim said.

See, maybe if we both talk to him,

-then we can kind of figure out how to be-- -

-No, I'm just saying b-- He had brought up-- - Mm, mm, mm.

I-- Mm?

Now is kissing time.

Hmm?

- No-- no, no. No, I'm, I'm s-- I'm sorry. -

-I just can't. - Were you always like this?

I mean, I've always been pretty OCD,

but I guess I just wasn't attuned

to how many germs were in the world until I became a biochemist.

I mean, using a microscope, I just became aware of a whole new world.

You know, a filthy, disgusting world.

Look, I-- I'm sorry. It's, it's hard for me too.

I wanna get frisky, you know? I wanna do the mambo jambo,

but I just-- I, I just know myself.

I would just freak out before I even took my pants off.

You know what?

Maybe I could give you a hand job.

-Oh! -

-Oh. -This should be really good.

I can't, can't wait.

Man, I'm just really happy you finally found yourself a woman.

Yeah. It's been five years,

three months and six days since my last.

-Wow. Janelle's been that long ago? -Well, she left earlier,

but remember, she said I could still call her my girlfriend

for two more months as a sort of adjustment period.

-Yeah, that was really weird. -Uh-huh.

You know, bro, I really need to get back home to Sarah.

I haven't seen her since she got in late and left early.

-Mm. -That was two days ago.

Oh.

-Let's just turn around. -No! No! No, I mean, come on.

Huh? I never get to hang around with my buddy anymore

and need to do so much more exercise and hanging out.

- Mm, this is weird, man. -

Yeah, j-- let's just keep walking. Listen--

-It's hot, man. -Listen, yeah, I'm sorry, I just-- I f--

I wanted to hug you, I haven't seen you forever.

-Let's just keep walking. -Yeah, but I,

I really wanna get back there.

Like, maybe she's home, you know? Hopefully.

No, no, no! I mean, just-- uh, let her miss you

a little bit! Give her some space!

Just, uh, find yourself

another activity to do, right?

- Like a hobby? - Yeah. Yeah,

-a hobby is good. Uh-huh. -I had one.

-Having sex with other women. -No, I mean, something else.

I mean, something like, uh-- oh, scrapbooking is fun.

-Bro, that's-- -No, no, no! But exercise!

Huh? Exercise is fun! Come on, let's run a little bit.

-Now you're just breaking out into spontaneous runs? -Yeah, I need the exercise!

I need the workout, you know? Come on. Let's-- let's go a little faster!

-A little faster! Come on, Marcia. Oh, Come on, Marcia! - All right.

A little faster! I need to work out, Marcia! Marcia, I n--

-faster! Go, Marcia! I-- - Are you sure? All right!

-I'm going! - I-- I ate so much food, Marcia!

What the fuck? What the hell is-- what--

Oh! No, no, it's not what it looks like.

-Oh, thank goodness, I guess. -See, the chicken mom left,

so I'm just keeping her eggs warm until she gets back.

-Th-- - 'Cause chickens do not like the rain.

There're chickens in this park?

-How do you know she's coming back? -Oh, oh, she told me.

It was a talking chicken. Hey, uh, if you see her,

can you let her know that I got her babies covered?

Covered. That works on two levels!

Maybe I should have been a writer.

Nah. Nah, I made the right career choice.

-Career? -Oh, yeah. Don't ever let anyone tell you

that you can't have a career and raise little chickadees too.

What abo--

What the hell am I doing? What am I doing here?

Wha-- what the hell is wrong with me? I-- I need to make a change.

I need, I need to do something different.

-Uh, are you talking to me? -No, I'm talking to--

-I'm talking to myself. -Oh, not a good look, man.

You sound like a crazy person.

I gotta get out of here. I, I gotta go do those drugs

-that Allen was talking about. -Oh, yeah, I like drugs too.

Oh. Oh, wher-- where are you going?

I-- I thought we were gonna do drugs!

Hey, you guys got any meth? Guys?

Oh, you're right. I probably did enough already.

When I made Marcia want to only be with Sarah,

I thought I'd finally succeeded at one of my projects.

That I had actually made an impact in my field.

And saved my best friend's marriage.

But instead, the marriage is ruined.

And even though I've achieved something scientifically,

nobody can know about it in any way.

Hey.

Hey! You made a huge discovery.

Just like Salk did with the polio vaccine.

He injected himself and his entire family just to be validated.

- -He risked everything.

Like you did too.

Great science overcomes.

Just a second.

- What's wrong now? -It's just--

This isn't working very well for me. I mean, physically...

it's frustrating.

Well, but I've tried everything.

I mean, other than kissing you without my mask

and taking my clothes off.

What's the worst that could happen?

I would freak out

an-- and, and maybe be eaten alive by tiny, filthy organisms.

Can you at least try?

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

Gosh, it's instinct.

Full facial nudity.

Let's try again.

Oh, man.

It's basically like I'm in a porno.

Lou.

-I need to talk to you. -I can't talk now, I'm busy.

No, right now. I quit.

-Okay. Maybe later. -No, no.

I-- I quit today. I'm quitting this job.

I've been obsessed with this job. It's ruining my life.

I-- I'm neglecting my wife. I fell in love with somebody else!

No. No more bad decisions.

I quit, and I'm going to buy drugs.

-Sure. Maybe tomorrow morning? -

Okay. Okay.

Allen said you guys

are gonna make me fall back in love with Marcia

Well, why try to inject me with something

if you can just give me a pill?

Ooh. That's good.

Let's see.

You've got a good butt.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

Why isn't this working? I don't mean to yell at you.

Uh, what?

Allen said something about there being another drug mixed in there.

Yes! It was something called, uh--

No, no... let me think.

Vasil--

Vasil-- vascular-- vas--

Vasil suppressant. That's-- Vaseline?

Yes! I have some of that.

That's a smart thought.

Oh, girl. You got it!

You got it, you're so smart.

Oh, God.

I have questions, girl. I want you to answer them.

One. What the hell?

Two. Why am I not more in love with Marcia?

I don't feel more in love with Marcia.

I feel like-- if I had to tell you the truth,

I feel like I'm gonna throw up. My God.

Oh, God! I'm so sorry! You're better than this.

-Mm, mm, mm! - Sarah, you need to stop calling me.

I can't stop calling 'cause guess what I did?

I succeeded at what you didn't get to do to me.

I got! I took the OxyContin.

Wh-- You-- you mean oxytocin.

No, I do not, I mean OxyContin.

And I gotta tell you, it doesn't work.

-What, you took-- you took-- -Science guy.

I don't feel like I'm in love

with Marcia any more than I was a minute ago.

I feel really sweaty. I feel really panicky,

-I vomited. -Oh, you took OxyContin?

-Yeah. -What? Sarah. Okay. Don't--

Don't go anywhere. I-- I'm coming right over!

-For sex? Okay. -No!

-Take-- -No, no, no. It's good 'cause I look good

-and I'm ready to go. I'm gonna get into-- -Sarah.

-I'm into something sexy. Okay, here I am. -Stay put.

-What are you doing here, Allen? -We literally just spoke on the phone.

Uh, why-- why are you so shiny?

You told me to take it, and I took it. You told me to take it, and I took it.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I tried to get my girlfriend... -You told me to take it.

...to inject you with oxytocin.

-Yes. -Under no circumstances

would I ever recommend OxyContin.

Yes. That's the same word. What's the difference?

-No. -What's the difference? I don't hear the difference.

What's the difference? Allen, stop for a second!

-What? What-- -Stay in focus!

-Stop blurring! Come on, man! -Okay. All right.

No, Sarah, I think you need to-- I, I think you need to lie down.

-Yes, I do. -Yeah? Let's lie down.

-Let's go. Let's-- -I'm very tired.

-Yeah. Okay. Yeah-- -Come with me.

Hey, is, uh, is OxyContin all you took?

Because your behavior is not very consistent with that.

-Okay. -I took my daily dose of Adderall.

I took a whole jar of Vaseline

-and an OxyContin. Olly, Olly, Oxenfree... -Vaseline.

...and some oxygen, and, Babe, the Blue OxyContin.

- Olly, Olly, Oxenfree. -Yeah.

OxyContin. Who said it?

-I said. -Vaseline, Vaseline.

Oh, instead of vasopressin. But no, the Adderall.

The, the drugs must have interacted negatively.

-Hey, hey, remember we were gonna lay down? -I remember.

Wait, wait. No, Sarah!

-No! Sarah! Oh! Ow! Oh! -

Hey, honey!

-No, Sarah! -Yes!

-Yes! Oh! Yes! -Hello?

- Ow! -Hello?

- Sarah! Sarah! Oh! -

- -What the hell is going on?

-Sarah! -No, no, no, no! Stop it, stop it!

Oh, my God! Why would you do this to me?

-...my balls! - Oh, so she's playing

-with your balls now, huh? -

- Oh, I feel alive. -Yeah? Well, good for you, huh?

Good for you. You know what, Allen?

I don't ever wanna see you again.

Sarah! No--

Though I guess I'm gonna have to see you every day at work.

-Oh, shit. No! -Mm. Don't worry.

- ...wha-- she-- -She won't see you. I'll just give you

my cloak of invisibility.

Oh, my sweet salamander, I missed yo--

What the hell is going on?

It's-- it's-- it's not what it looks like.

Ignore that voice. It's in your head.

-Ma-- -Allen. What are you doing with my wife?

- I-- - No! he's not here.

-I mean, he's invisible. I mean, there's nobody here. -Did he drug you?

No, I drugged myself. Well, technically, upon his recommendation, so--

-What? W-- wait a minute. -

Is this-- are you two--

-It's-- I can explain everything, Marcia. -

-I can explain everything. I can explain everything. -Yeah, I'm gonna kill you.

-No! Marcia! -You are supposed to be

-my best friend since high school. -Don't worry, she can't see you!

-How could you do this to me? -

Hi, honey. I tried calling you last night,

-but I couldn't reach you. -Fuck you.

-Sorry, what? -You think you can cheat on me

just because I don't fulfill your physical needs?

What? No! I mean, an argument could be made, but--

-No. -You butt dialed me last night when you fucked that whore!

What whore? I've never fucked a whore.

-I've hardly fucked anybody. -Oh, yeah, well, you can add me to that list.

Wait, what list? The list of people I've fucked or haven't fucked?

Because you're already on the latter list.

But we were making progress, right?

You broke my fucking heart last night.

Last night? But I was with S-- Sarah.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no, that i-- that is not what you think.

Oh, I could hear your moans of ecstasy.

No, those were cries of pain. Don't you know the difference?

-I've never heard your sex sounds! -Yeah, exactly!

Fuck you, you lying fucking-- Fuck.

This is a-- No, you have to believe me, she was drugged!

She was drugged?

I am going to tell Jim you injected a human

-with a non-FDA approved substance. - No, that's--

-you, you, you were in on it. - You coerced me

to help you with a friend whom you endangered.

But, you know, I could get fired over this.

I-- I could go to prison.

Exactly.

Lisa.

Shit.

Fucking shit. Fucking, fucking shi-- fucking fuck!

♪ I'm a solo drinker I'm a solo drinker ♪

♪ I'm a solo drinker 'cause I'm a sad, sad man ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm a sad, sad man ♪

- -♪ That's all I am ♪

- -♪ I'm just a sad, sad man ♪

- Ow! -♪ That's all I'm ever gonna be ♪

♪ Can't you see? ♪

♪ I'm just as sad as can be ♪

-♪ I'm a sad... ♪ - Sarah told me everything after you left.

Well, after I threw you out.

She told you everything?

Yeah, man. About how the doctor gave her

the wrong drugs for PMS cramps.

And she called you over since she thought you knew

everything about the drug stuff.

Oh, yeah. Right, about, about all that stuff.

I'm really sorry for choking you.

Thanks, but, um, I'm over that.

Things have gotten worse.

Lisa...

...broke up with me. She won't talk to me.

I mean... it's probably for the best, right?

A relationship without sex is not a real relationship.

I love her.

Listen, man, I-- I... I know it hurts,

but... you'll find somebody else

and you'll forget Lisa ever existed, bro.

- -Or you would if you didn't work with her every day.

Which I won't because she's also

getting me fired over all this.

I am probably going to jail.

Upside, you won't be seeing Lisa at work every day!

Look, man, let me take you out tonight

and drown your sorrows.

Yeah. That's what I've been doing anyway.

I mean, in a more socially acceptable way.

Nice!

We'll sure find you some new ladies up in here.

Yeah, ladies I can date for a day or two before I'm arrested.

Bro, you're not going to jail.

Calm down. I'll deny that you even injected me.

Years of lying to Sarah has prepared me for this.

-The most important lie of my life. -No.

No more lies, Marcia.

I'm gonna face the music, no matter what happens.

Okay.

But, uh, when you go to jail,

how am I gonna get another dose of that Bondo,

in case this wears off?

Marcia, I injected you almost a month ago.

It's worn off by now.

It has?

But I still only have eyes for Sarah.

-So-- -I think by spending so much time being monogamous,

you've learned that the committed lifestyle actually suits you.

Hmm. Incredible.

- -Take that, 23andMe.

Just wish Sarah reciprocated my feelings.

-About that, uh-- - And next up is Wally, performing... the Macarena?

-Seriously, Wally? Again? Come on, bro. -Oh, shit. It's karaoke night.

-Come on, let's go somewhere else-- -No, no, no, wait.

I've never done karaoke before.

-I wanna try. -

You? But you can't sing.

And I'm not gonna.

Next up is Allen with "The Other Gun."

Sing the song or get off the stage!

People are waiting to sing!

You suck. Sing the song, loser.

I don't like this!

- Oh, dude! - Yeah! Stop it!

-Come on, get off! -

You suck!

Sexy fake guitar man!

-Hey! You were amazing. - Oh!

I really liked the way you move.

I think you'd like the way I move too.

Move out the way, he's mine! He is mine.

Claiming ownership on someone? How rude.

-'Cause he's mine. -No. Don't listen to these fake groupies.

-Fake? -I'm sorry for what I yelled earlier.

I want you to hold me like you do that guitar.

-Only for real. -Oh--

- Oh, so chill-- -I wanna have your baby.

-Okay. -Oh! Oh, you wanna have my baby--

- I'm willing to experiment. -Thank you.

-Thank you. -

- - Bro,

that was fucking awesome, man!

You're such a stud! I mean, a weird, nerdy air guitar stud,

-but still a stud! -

-Yeah! So, uh, are you gonna call her? -

Which one? I got, like, six numbers.

-Any of them? All of them? -No.

-I'm gonna get Lisa back. -What?

Well, I mean, you seem pretty certain.

-Where did that come from? -From her.

Lisa said she wants to take you back?

No, but she gave me the confidence

-to share my air guitar skills. -Oh, man.

With that newfound confidence, you can get any girl you want.

Uh-huh. And that is Lisa!

Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!

Whoa! Sweet penis tray, bro!

Lisa! I've been looking for you.

-You're dead to me. -No, no. Can we please talk?

I can't hear you because you're dead, and dead people can't talk.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm not dead! In fact,

I found new life because of you.

Last night, I had an air guitar performance at a karaoke bar.

It was amazing.

The only thing missing was you.

I'm not that kid from The Sixth Sense.

-I can't see dead people. -

Lisa! Wait--

Lisa!

God.

-Damn it! -

-Lisa, I, I-- -Allen, I need to talk to you about something.

-It's important. -Okay. I--

But I'm running late for my ax throwing practice,

and I'll find you here tomorrow.

I'll bring my ax.

-Hi! -Sarah! What are you doing here again?

I wanted to come by and say thank you for coming over

and taking care of me the other day.

I'm kind of still embarrassed that I took the wrong drugs,

but now I understand why the pharmacist,

uh, was operating out of a car in an alleyway,

-so-- -Wait, why would you buy drugs

from a guy in a car in an alleyway?

-Because he gave me a deal. -Sarah, you shouldn't-- should--

Never mind. You know, what is done is done.

No, no, don't say that.

I thought I was over you because you've been ignoring me.

But after spending some time in a drug induced psychosis,

I realized that I'm in love with you,

that I want you, that I need you,

-and that I will have you. -No, no, no, y-- you, you don't.

You shouldn't, an-- and you won't.

I love Lisa.

-No! -No-- Sarah!

- -Oh! My hand.

-Let me take care of it. -No, no, ge--

-Sarah, get away! Sarah! -

-Why are you always showing up when I'm here? -I work here!

Well, it doesn't matter because I want him and he wants me.

Uh, no. No, no, I, uh, I definitely want her.

- Well, take this! -No--

- -Wait, wait, wait! U--

-Allen, are you okay? -Allen, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I am not gonna get into a cliché catfight with you.

No, no, no! Stop this, guys--

-My balls, my balls! -

You got my balls, again.

- - Allen, are you okay?

You want a cliché catfight?

Come on, you guys, you're better than this.

Where did you learn to do that?

-CrossFit! -CrossFit!

Lisa, duck!

Sarah, your location tracker on your phone

says you were here. Yo-- what the hell?

Did-- did Lisa cut off your penis?

No, it's, it's just my hand.

Oh, my God. S-- Oh, my God! Sarah, are you okay?

-What the-- -

- Get a room. -

Lisa, I'm really sorry about what happened there, I--

-I don't know what came over me. -That's okay.

Allen inspires a lot of passion.

-Couldn't be happier right now. -

Well, I could be, if I wasn't about to be fired

-and possibly imprisoned. -What?

Didn't you tell Jim about the injections?

No, you would've been fired and possibly imprisoned.

Wha--

I was just angry, so I was trying to scare you.

- -Don't you know anything about women?

-No. -No.

But w-- why, why did Jim say he needed to talk to me today?

Well, he did say something about maybe air guitar lessons?

-Oh. -Oh, dork! I honestly don't know what I ever saw in you, Allen.

What do you mean? Uh, what you saw in Allen?

Oh. Uh. I've been in love with Allen the last few weeks.

But you can't get mad at me because it's your fault for injecting me.

Yes. Don't choke me again.

- -Fair.

Oh, my God! Allen!

What the hell is going on?

Did these women attack your penile area?

No! This-- Jim, I--

I have to come clean.

I've been conducting human experiments with Bondo.

You have always been like a son to me,

but this is a betrayal!

No, but, but Allen's serum, it worked!

It enhances bonding and it prevents cheating.

-It saved this couple's marriage. -Mm.

You can't prove that. I don't even know

-these lesbians. -But you know yourself.

You never used to think so highly of Allen

until you were injected with Bondo.

-What? -Yeah. Look.

- -Allen.

Oh. You sat on this?

Uh-- no, I, I just found it.

Nancy was placing security cameras everywhere, so I hacked her footage.

Oh, she's clever.

I have always admired that woman.

But still, this proves nothing.

My behavior towards Allen

has always been cordially professional.

What the-- are you--

ar-- are you wearing my lab coat?

I feel so close to you.

I meant that in a cordially professional way.

- Uh-huh. -Okay.

Okay, okay! Maybe I did treat Allen

slightly differently. And if this is why,

then this is huge!

We-- we're gonna have some major hurdles with the FDA.

But hey, Allen, you get to keep your job.

- Really? - Yes!

- -Thank you!

But... I'm not staying unless you keep Lisa as well.

She is brilliant,

as you could tell from her Lixi research

and her ability to hack into Nancy's cameras.

I have budget for only one position.

Then we'll take our talents and our serums elsewhere.

No! Oh, no! No, no, no.

Maybe I can move some things around in, in, in the budget.

Uh, okay. No more Taco Tim's--

Taco Tuesdays!

Oh, okay! It's a deal!

- -Yeah!

-Oh-- Thank-- -What the--

- -Okay! Okay.

Well, now that everything is settled,

-take me, sweet swan. -Oh, here we go.

- Oh! -Have fun!

Everybody hit the deck!

- -Or else it's gonna be a tase fest in here.

- Oh-- -

-Jim! -Safety Officer Nancy.

No one calls me by my full name.

I love hearing it.

-Oh! -

-Oh. -Hey, now.

This love fest here, uh, let's go,

-my little cheeky Chihuahua. -

-Did I tell you I quit my job? - Wha--

- -Wow, what a day.

-I... - Wow!

Um, you probably wanna wash off the germs.

-Um, you can, you can go first. -

Thanks, but I think I want some company.

-Really? -Yeah.

- - What? Okay.

- - Woohoo!

- Sarah, I need you to bring me those reports! -

Sarah!

Sarah!

Sarah!

Hey! Hey! Advanced chemistry.

We was about to have the best oral sex ever.

I wish my butt still looked like this.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay. Mm!

-Oh-- - She says she's the boss of me, but she isn't really.

She's just, like, my-- more like a mentor.

No, she--

Mr. Science.

Ooh!

It... it works.

Sarah, your GPS tracker said that you were locat--

- Oh! -

- Get the fuck out of here! -Ow!

- Get the fuck out of here! -Ow!

- Get the fuck out of here! -Ow!

-Get the fuck out of here! -

I don't have any lotion.

-Now, it might be a little dry. -Mm.

Hey, you guys see that man scientist who never gets any ladies?

He should consider a chicken man.

Oh, man! I'd give it to him real good.

I meant that in a cordially professional way.

No, no. Jim, I--

-I want to speak, but there's a plane-- - Fucking--

How much? One buck?

Bu-- two buck?

You know, I'm romantic.

And today is Tuesday, which is, uh, my masturbation day.

- - Oh!

Yeah!

Uh, uh...

How about you and I play a little hair guitar?

- -Okay. Okay. Thank you--

Oh, man.

This is really different from when I was

the CEO of Perdue Chicken.

Mm, close the curtain!

Oh! My balls!

You got my balls again!

- Oh! -

- -What are yo--

What are you doing with my lab coat? Ri--

-Wait. What-- -Look!

Now there's a chicken involved too?

Hey! Hey! You guys wanna be in the outtakes?

Hey! You guys wanna be in the outtakes? What do you think?

You know, if I'm being honest, I prefer turkey.