All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s05e04 - Having A Flare-up

-Hello.

(THEME MUSIC)

-That's for the haters.

-JEREMY WELLS (PRESENTS):
Kia ora koutou katoa,

and welcome to Taskmaster!

My name is Jeremy Wells,

and it has taken years for me

to reach the incredible status
I have today.

I joined the television industry
as a Task Officer,

before working my way up
to Task Lieutenant,

then Task Commander
and Task Rear Admiral.

Until five years ago,

when I was promoted
to the highest rank

in New Zealand television.

That's right.
I'm now The Taskmaster.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Tonight I will sit in a chair
that Caligula

would describe
as tasteful and understated...

and watch as five comedians perform
a series of ridiculous tasks.

All in the hopes of winning this...

A magnificent golden trophy
that took three hours to make,

and my head was covered
in goo the whole time.

And let me be the first
to tell you it was not worth it.

Competing for this trophy,

please welcome Abby Howells...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

..Ben Hurley...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

..Hayley Sproull...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

..and Tom Sainsbury.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

And in lieu of Tofiga Fepulea'i
tonight,

back again, it's your friend
and my colleague Matt Heath.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

And beside me, as always,
is my assistant.

He has the gentle energy of someone

who has either never been
in a violent situation

or has otherwise committed
dozens of murders.

Please put your hands together
for Paul Williams.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

-Jeremy, I was wondering
if, before we get started,

you could sign my petition.

-What's it a petition for?

-You know, when you go to,
like, a sit down restaurant

and you get a burger.

The burgers too tall.

Like I can't fit it in my mouth.

I'm sorry, but if you have to stick
a knife down through it

to keep it together,
that burger is too tall.

-OK, so you want me
to sign something.

-Just on that, please?
-It's a blank piece of paper.

-OK, you got me.

I wanted your autograph
for my niece.

If you could make it out to her.

-What's her name?
-Her name is Paul Williams.

-Is that what you want?
-Yes, please.

-God, help me.

-Thank you.

-OK. What's our prize task
tonight, Paul?

-Tonight, we've asked our contestants

to bring in the best thing
that makes you go.

"Hmm... I don't know about that."

-So, let's start with Matt.

You are in here as a surrogate
for Tofiga.

What have you brought in?

-Well, it's something that I've
dipped into a couple of times,

but it's still quite
a big mystery to me.

It's the woman's
reproductive system.

-Haven't you got two children?

-Yeah but I'm not...
I can't see in there

when that's happening,
if you know what I mean.

-Tom, you reckon you can
better that?

-Look, I found mine
at, like, a market,

and I thought,
I don't know about that.

I've named her...

I've named her Abby Hayley.

-A lovely name.

-And you might not realise that,
but if you peel up her skirt...

you'll find a toilet roll in there.

-Tom, you can't confuse
Matt like this.

Like, pull up the woman's skirt
and there's a toilet roll in there.

-I know.

-He already doesn't know!

-Is that normal?

-Sometimes.

-So, what is the practical
reason for it?

Because are you just keeping
your toilet roll warm?

-I think it was an idea that seeing
a toilet roll was somehow revolting.

-Is unseemly. Unsightly?
-Unseemly, yeah.

-That's way more unsightly
though, isn't it?

Abby.
-Yes.

-What's something that you went:
"Hmm... I don't know about that."

-Well, I brought in my friend Eric.

And I'm actually here to advocate
for him

because initially, you'd be like,
"oh, I don't know about that.

"That's a ventriloquist dummy

with a dirty Phantom
Of The Opera mask on it."

So, Eric was actually in my first
ever solo standup show I did,

and we travelled
all over the world together.

-Can you do Eric's voice for us?

-He was like, "hello, Abby!

"I love women's comedy.
I support you so much."

-Ben.

-So, I get motion sickness,
I get car sickness.

Which I think we can all agree
is both sexy and cool.

-Yeah.

-So, I went on the internet
to try and find a cure

because I tried everything,

and, and I purchased these,
glasses that you put on.

And they have liquid in them
so that you have an equilibrium

at all times.

And did I work?

I don't know about that.

-Hayley, what did you bring in.

-I've actually brought
in this cuck chair.

Now, the winner of tonight's show
doesn't get this chair.

But what they do get
is to come over to my house.

they can sit in that chair

and then either myself
or my partner Aaron

will make love
to either someone who wins it

or their partner or spouse.

-Hmm, tell me more.

-What a prize
that would be, jeepers.

And so we get to see
all of these things?

-To be honest, it's actually open
to anyone and everyone watching.

They can come over
and sit in my cuck chair.

-OK.
-Yourself included Jeremy.

-And while there's a lot
of motion going on,

these could come in handy.

-So, I'm going to have
to score this.

The Abby Hayley, my grandmother
actually had one of those,

so I'm quite familiar with them.

so I'm going to give you
one point for that,

because I've seen a lot of those.

Matt, very familiar with the female
reproductive system myself.

Two points there.

-Not only the Master of Tasks!

-Three points
for Ben's motion sickness glasses.

Four points, only just
as that horrific ventriloquist dummy

that came in.

-He's an ally, Jeremy.

-And five points for you Hayley.

-Thank you.

-So, what is our
first proper task, Paul?

-It's time to bring
some order to the chaos.

Hello, Tofiga.
-Hello, Paul.

-Hello.
-Hello, Abby.

Hello, Ben.
-Hi.

-This looks exciting.

-What a strange collection of goods.

-"Space these objects out
in the right order."

-"Fastest and most accurate
object order wins."

-"You have ten minutes."

-"Your time starts now."

-The right order for what?

Is this one object?

-Mm-hm.
-OK.

-Alright. Let's get onto it.

Who's ordering
are we going to see first?

-Up first, it's Ben, Hayley
and Hurley, Sproull.

-In the right order.

-This got anything
useful in here?

-Anna. Anna, Anna.

-Those are mine.
-Yeah.

-Property of Paul. Bit odd.

-That's a chocolate bar.

That's a fork.

That's a temperature.

-A satin handkerchief.

Venus flytrap.

-A plate of soil.

-And a shoe
with some pita bread.

-These don't make
a great deal of sense to me.

-I'm just gonna put
it in alphabetical order.

T, U, V...

Pauls pervert folder.

P...

Here we go.

-It's not correct.
-It's not correct?

-Is it the story of man?

The sun started it all,
didn't it?

And that's sort of
the temperature there.

-So, you've walked
to get some bread.

You've eaten the bread
and that's your dessert.

-Boom! Earth sprung life.

And then we sort of
evolved from life to man.

Then man was like, whoa....

bloody hungry.

So, he learned how to eat.

-And then on the way home,
you see a nice Venus flytrap.

Then it's story of how it eats.

-OK, so that's kind of
setting up the sequel.

-Yeah. The sequel. Yeah.

-Got you. But it's not that.

-This one... Bless you.

Are you allergic to the plants?
-I'm allergic to your bullshit.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

-Maybe it's just size.

Yep.

-No, sorry.
-Not again?

-Is that the order?
-That's not the order.

-Is that the order?
-That's not the order.

-Is that the order?
-That's not the order.

It's hard to tell
what the order is there.

-You know what? I give up.

I'm just gonna enjoy myself
for 20 seconds.

-You've got
one minute and seven seconds.

-Yeah.

-Did you put that in the dirt?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Thank you. Ben.
-Alright.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OK, so before we go on

I think we probably need
to address your swearing,

your rudeness towards Hayley.

Would you like to apologise
to Hayley for that?

-I'm sorry, Hayley.

I will say I knew that as soon
as she agreed to come on the show,

that I was going to have
allergy flare ups.

Because I am legit allergic
to her bullshit.

-I'm still bamboozled
by that, by the way.

I have no idea.

-You know what?
I don't want any points.

That task was dumb.

-Alright. Stop everything.

It's time to go to an ad break
and sell some stuff.

Why not entertain yourselves
by putting all the products in order

from most to least evil?

We'll see you soon.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Kia ora koutou,
welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break, we were watching
comedians attempt

to put eight objects
in a specific order,

because it's season five
and we're running out of ideas.

Who's up next, Paul?

-Let me put this sentence
in alphabetical order...

Abbey and Howells,
it's Sainsbury, Tom.

-Anna Nicole,
Anna Paquin, Anna, um...

-Anna's. These are all Anna's.

-They're mine.

-I love my Anna's.

-No, they're not your Anna's.

-They're your Anna's.

-Thank you.
-My apologies.

-Pita Shoe... Pita Pan.. Pita...

-Oh, and there's a foot
in the waste paper basket.

-Blue Toe.

-You don't need
to put that in the order.

-I don't need?
-No, that's just rubbish.

-That's nothing.

OK.
-Sainsbury brain, don't fail me now.

-Blue Toe...

-So, Snickers...

Or is that a Mars.
Can I just check, is it a mars?

I'm not familiar with these.

It's a mars.

-They're the planets!

Pluto's not a planet anymore.

-Venus. OK, I've got it!

-Autism rules!

Pattern recognition!

My man!

OK. Mercury.

Venus.

Earth.

-We've got Mars.
And we've got Venus.

-Mars.

Jupiter.

Shoe Pita.

-Shoe Pita.

-Satin, this is Saturn.

Neptune.

It's like a tuning fork?

-It's Neptune. It's his trident.

Your...

Anna's... Uranus.

-I've stopped the clock.

-Mercury, Venus,
Earth, Mars, Jupiter,

Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.

I feel alive, I feel electric.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Well, first off, Abby,
congratulations on the autism.

-Thank you so much.
It's an honour and a privilege.

-That was really good.

-This all makes me
think maybe I need to get tested.

-That was the test.

-Congratulations.
You're in the club.

-Oh, my god. Yay!

Don't look me in the eyes.

-How did watching
that make you guys feel?

-Just real dumb.

-Yeah. Pretty dumb.

On the bright side, I don't have
to wear headphones at concerts.

-I went to a concert
and I did wear some headphones.

And I remember thinking, "I bet
everyone thinks I look real cool!"

-OK. By my calculations, we've still
got one comedian left, Paul.

-Correct, Jeremy.

And even if you're terrible
at putting things in order,

I'm sure you can probably guess
who's coming up next.

It's Tofiga.

-Oh! What's her name again?

-Anna Paquin.

-Why have you
got all these pictures?

-Those are my Anna's.

-Your Anna's?

-Yeah.

-OK.
What sort of plant is this?

-It's a Venus flytrap.

-A what?
-Venus flytrap.

-A Venus flytrap.

-It traps flies.

-Just flies?

-Why are you asking?

-Was wondering if you
wanted to trap Anna Paquin.

Fork! Oh...

Now I know why the forks there.
-Why?

-Because I'm wondering
what the fork this is all about.

-You enjoying this one?

-Probably my favourite task
of all time.

I wish I had my family here.

Just to witness it.

-You got
four minutes and 22 seconds.

-Thank you, Paul.
It's really helping me.

-That's OK.

-Might help me think.

-It does still need
to be in the order, though.

-Oh, yeah.
I'll leave a little bit.

I just have to get the order right.

Don't have to explain
what it's supposed to mean, ay?

-Yeah.

That is not the correct order.

That's not right.

That's not right.
But you're not that far off.

-Not that far off.

It's quite a stink task.

-OK.

-That's ten minutes
I can't get back in my life, Paul.

I could have spent
that with my kids,

doing their maths homework,

telling them a story
before they go to bed.

But you asked me
to come here and do this.

Thanks, Paul.

-Thank you Tofiga.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OK. Paul, would you like
to publicly apologize to Tofiga

for taking him away from his kids?

-Sorry Tofiga.

-That's a heartfelt apology.

-Yeah.

-Sorry.

Having a flare up.

-Matt, would
you like to explain

whether or not you thought
Tofiga was being sarcastic

when he said that he...

-No, no. He wasn't.

And, we at Team Tofiga,
we don't approve of that task.

I don't think we even want
to be part of this.

That order...
-Same.

-I'll join you on that.

-We wish you might
just boycott that.

-And I think,
we're a majority now.

So, I reckon that task gets
stricken from the record.

-Yeah.

-I mean, I think luckily you
aren't a part of it

because you get no points at all.

So, I think that's fine.

-Yeah. Well no, but we still...
You're not giving us no points.

We're not taking the points.

-We don't want your points.
-We don't want your points.

-Don't want the points.

-So, if I gave you points,
you wouldn't take them?

-Oh, well, how many
are you offering?

-How are we going
to divvy up the points?

-Well, so it was timed.

Tom and Abby the only two
to successfully order the items.

Tom in eight minutes and 54 seconds.

Abby in four minutes and 10s.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

That's impressive.

-So, how would you
like to score?

-Probably a four and a five.

-So, four for Tom?
-Yeah.

-And five points
for Abby Howells.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

It's only fair.

OK, so where does that leave
the episode scores so far, Paul?

-Out in first
with nine points, Abby Howells.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Paul these tasks
are just like a potato snack

that I'm not allowed to name.

I have popped and I cannot stop.

Give me another one, please.

-It's another team task,

and it's time for a good
old fashioned boxing match.

-Oh, wow.

OK.
-Hey, Paul.

-This is exciting.

-Kia ora Paulie.
-Kia ora.

-Ooh, OK.

"Build the tallest skyscraper out

"of the boxes without leaving
your designated areas."

-"One person will build,
the other two will supply boxes."

-"The supplier
may request a box

"by asking Paul for it by number."

-"That supplier must
do an impression..."

-"..of the person
written on the box."

-"If the builder guesses
the impression correctly..."

-"..the
supplier may supply it."

-"The builder may not
request a new box..."

-"..until the last impression
has been guessed."

-"If you cheat,
Paul will knock over your skyscraper

"and you must start again."

-"Tallest skyscraper wins."

-"You have one minute to discuss
your roles in 15 minutes to build."

-"Your time starts now."
-I reckon
you'd be the Impressionist.

-And you'd be the builder?

-Do you want me
to be the builder?

-Yeah. You go builder.

-I'm confident to be in here.

-Yeah, I trust you.

-OK. And we'll do the impressions.

-Yeah. Oh, boy.

-How quick was Ben Hurley

to say: "Right, Haley,
you do the acting,

"and I'm going
to do the building.

"Buildings for boys.
Acting's for girls."

-No! Hayley spent $38,000 on an
acting degree that she's never used.

-Who's first?

-It's the team of three.

Supply is ready.

-We're ready.
-Yessir.

-Builder, ready?
-Ready.

-Let's go for number 29.

Made a beautiful house
out of gingerbread!

-The Witch
from Hansel and Gretel?

-Yes!

We got it! OK, let's go.

Number 45. I'm a bit
of a Starman, you might say.

-Oh, David Bowie.
-Yeah.

You do one!

-Eeee Eee Eeee!
-Norman Bates?

Alfred Hitchcock?

Oh his mother?
-Eee... Eee...

-No.
-Eee... Eee...

-You're holding a knife?
-From?

-Psycho. Knife from Psycho.

-Yeah!

-That's not a character!

-Let's do 53.

Oooh.....
-Marilyn Monroe.

-I'm chocolate!

I'll melt in the mouth,
not in the hand.

-You're the Green M&M?
-BOTH: Yeah!

-You go for it!

-Number four.
Don't even know who this is.

Should we
just say his name

so we can go on to the next one?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Ernest Rutherford.

Oh, no! I'm so sorry.

-14. Please be easy.

Oh, I really love doing magic.

-Harry Potter?
Oh, Daniel Radcliffe?

-Different character.

-Is it a different character?

-Oh, gosh.
-I didn't even watch Harry Potter.

-I'm you sitting on my...

-Chair?

Seat? Ass?

-Not the top, but the...

-Bottom, Neville Longbottom!

-BOTH: Yeah!
-Number six.

I'm American.

And I love to fly jet planes.

-Tom Cruise?

-Yeah!

-Wait. In what?
-Tom Cruise in Top Gun?

-Correct.

-Can could we have
number ten, please. That's hot.

-Yeah... Paris Hilton.

-Yes!

-Number Nine!

Rarr!

Many millions of years ago!

-This is good.

-You're a dinosaur.
-Yep.

-Are you a species of dinosaur?

-Yes.
-Velociraptor.

-One minute left.

-I only told them to blow
the bloody doors off!

The size of a tangerine...

Oh Bruce, what have you done....

-3, 2....

-Oh, Tom.

Tom, you had to just chuck another
box on there at the end, didn't you?

-I know.

-I don't know
if you noticed in that task

whenever I would get someone,

it would be, like, Michael Caine
or someone easy.

And Tofiga was getting,

like, The Knife from Psycho
and Ernest Rutherford.

-Once again, team Tofiga's
doing all the hard work.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, but did you like
two fingers strategy?

Which was, if Tom
couldn't guess that,

he'd just continue doing
the same thing.

-It worked! And it worked.
-And it worked, he got it!

-Should we see other team

or should I tell you how tall
that tower was?

-I think, you should tell us
how tall the tower was.

-78cm.
-Not bad.

Hard to beat.
-That's pathetic.

Alright. Stop everything.

Let's do your best impression
of a good consumer

and watch these ads.

We'll see you
straight after the break.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Nau mai, hoki mai.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Who have we got next, Paul?

-It's time to see the acting skills
of a drama school graduate.

And the building skills
of a Ben Hurley.

It's Hayley and Ben.

-7, 24, 50.

-7, let's go 7.
-7.

OK. Eee Eee!

-Psycho? Knife?
Alfred Hitchcock?

-What is the thing
that's in my hand?

-It's a knife.
-From?

-Psycho. The Knife from Psycho?

Oh, right.
So, it's not just people.

OK.

-Ooooh!

Merry Christmas!

-Ebenezer Scrooge.

You're the ghost of Christmas past!

-Not the past!

-You're ghost
of Christmas future!

-Oh hello, everybody!
-Queen Elizabeth the Second.

-Or?
-Queen Elizabeth the First.

-We are brothers!

And we learnt to fly the first.

-Oh, the Wright brothers.

-Which one?
-Orville?

-Yes!

-I'm good at history.
-Why is everybody taking so long?

Please!

Don't take my...
Don't make me choose!

-Meryl Streep.

-I'm an American actress.

-You are...

You're in Jerry Maguire?

-Yes! I play a British journalist.

I got big and then I get skinny.
-You're Bridget Jones...

And you're in the one
about the civil war...

-Yes...
-And what is your name?

-I look like
I've sucked on a lemon!

-I know exactly who you mean,
I can't think of a name!

Renee Zellweger!

-OK. Pick a number.

No the bottom one!

-Winds not allowed!
Wind is not allowed!

What is happening?

-What's the deal with,
like, crazy people these days.

-Urzila Carlson.

Yes!

-Look at how the Eagle flies...

-David Attenborough.
-Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

-Dame Julie Andrews.

-Real famous
little chocolate button.

-You're a green M&M.

-I'm going to play!

Thou doth not know!

-William Shakespeare.

-Oh, well.
One for the money...

-Elvis Presley.
-Here you go!

-20 seconds.

-Yes! Oh, you're so good.

-You're so good.
-That was really good.

-You're so good!

-Such positive affirmation
in your team.

It's not often I say this Hayley,

but that drama degree
really came in handy.

-That is $38,000
before your very eyes, Jeremy.

-Congratulations on knowing
the Wright brothers name

I mean that was good.

-Orville and Wilbur.

-Wilbur.
-Yep.

-That was good.

-But you could tell
I was doing Orville.

-Yeah, totally.
-The performance gave Orville.

I was like, I know Wilbur.

My Wilbur sits more
back here like this.

Orville's more front
leading like that.

-How high
was Hayley and Ben's tower?

-The height to beat was 78cm.

Theirs was 287cm.

So, in terms of scoring,

five points, presumably,
for the team of two,

how many for the team of three?

-Well, that's a good question.

Tom. Abby, and Tofiga
should get two.

-Two points.
-Yeah.

-I think that's fair.
-Yeah, that is fair.

-And you know what?

I'm going to take part in this task
as opposed to the other one.

-Oh was that not clear,
I've opted back in as well.

-Alright. Time
for another task, Paul.

What have you got in store for us?

-Get your backpacks off.
And get your books out.

School is in session.

Hello, Ben.
-Hi Paul.

-Hello, Paul.
-Hello, Abby.

Hello, Hayley.
-Hi.

Hi, Paul.

-My favourite.

-What's your favourite?
-Apples!

-Apple?

-Were you saying,
"hey, Paul" or "apple"?

-It's: "Hey Paul! Apaul."

-Oh, OK.

-Apaul.

-Hello.

-Alright. What are we in for now.

-"Teach Paul a lesson."

-"Best lesson wins."

-"You have 30 minutes."

-"Your time starts...
"as always "...now."

-Seems pretty simple.

Teach Paul a lesson.

We all know Paul doesn't really know
that much, so it's not hard, surely.

-OK.

For first period we've got
Mr Hurley and Mr Sainsbury.

-What if I taught you every
New Zealand Prime Minister

since 1935 in order?

-That would be pretty good.

-What ones can you name?

-Bill English.

-Good!
-Obviously.

-Obviously.

-I'm wondering if I can do
the scattergun effect,

if I try and teach you many lessons.

-Like quantity over quality.
-Yeah.

-Because I'm a cool teacher I'm going
to sit on my chair like this.

-Very cool.

-First up we've got biology.

Did you know that Seagulls, to every
eight male chicks that are hatched,

ten female chicks are hatched

and 14% of seagulls
are exclusively lesbian.

Did you know that?
-No.

-Michael Joseph Savage becomes
the first Labour Prime Minister.

Peter Fraser, now he was our
wartime Prime Minister.

And we had Mike Moore.

-Do you like using a megaphone?

Or do you like using a Mike Moore?

-When it is the verb,
you stress the second syllable.

When it is the noun
you stress the first syllable.

Here's an object, but I object.

-We had Chippy Hippy.

That's what I'm gonna call him.

I think that adds
some fun to the lesson.

-So, when I'm handing
you a gift, it is a...

-Present.
-No!

It's a...
-Present.

Sorry, I thought you were
presenting me with a gift.

-You get it, there's English.

-There's probably not
a great mnemonic here, is there?

-BOTH: Mary Poppins says,
wait, Children...

-Spelled with a K.

-BOTH: Jumping never works!

-Would also maybe help
if you came up with a story

that sort of involved their names.

-I mean,
that's how I remember it.

-What's your story?

-Well, just the story
of New Zealand history.

-Oh.

-They were like: "Christ has
risen again!"

And Thomas is like,
"oh, I don't believe that."

And then from then on it was known
as Thomas the Doubter.

-Oh, wow.
-I know.

OK, that's your
religious instruction.

What else am I missing?

-Mary.
-Mary.

-Poppins said, wait, children
spelled with a K,

jumping, never, works.

-History?
-OK.

-Do you know the most common
female name in the 1950s?

-Anne.
-Close.

-Anna?
-It wasn't close.

Begins with M.

-Mary.
-Mary.

Do you know what the least
common name was in the 1950s?

-Adolf?

You still don't think
meet many Adolf's.

-No.
-Jumping.

Jacks.

Hate. Jumping.

Bill English.

Jacinda Ardern.

Chris Hipkins.

Chris Luxon.

-Well done.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Some important lessons
learnt there.

So, Ben taught you
the New Zealand Prime Ministers

from the Second World War.

Can you list them in order now?

-Hey, hey!

The task is not,
"teach Paul a lesson

"and have him retain
it for three months."

-That's true.

-Tom.
-Yes?

-You were teaching
a different type of curriculum.

-I did everything.

Something else about seagulls
is that they live to...

I'm feeling like I'm more and more
Abby Howells, every moment.

Like there is a species of seagulls
that live to 45.

So, you might be walking around
with a seagull,

going like, "get out of my way!"

And it's 45 years old.

-Yeah.
-Wow.

-Yeah.

-For a while there you
pivoted into religious studies.

-I did. Well, you know,
that was a Catholic school.

Wasn't it clear? With our
Overlord-you-overlooking everything.

-Maybe one day
you'll be crucified Jeremy.

-One can only hope, Abby.

One can only hope.
-Save us from our sins.

-Exactly.

That's enough learning for now.

It's time to soften your brain

with the soothing power
of unskippable ads.

We'll see you after that.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where five comedians are trying
to win a haunted puppet from Abby

that will definitely kill them
in their sleep.

Where were we Paul?

-Our five contestants were
attempting to teach me a lesson.

So far, Ben has taught me
every New Zealand Prime Minister

since World War Two.

And Tom Sainsbury has taught me
which seagulls are gay.

For second period, we've got
Mrs Sproull and Mr Fepulea'i.

-Can I have a bite?

-You can have several.

-OK.

I'm going to teach you
a small marching routine,

which you will then perform.

I'm actually allergic to apples.

-How allergic?

-I'll be fine.

I'll just get a bit
of an itchy throat.

-I'll teach you
to make a cup of tea.

Know how to make a cup of tea?

-Not really.

-We'll go to the kitchen.
I'll teach you that.

There's a lesson, ay?

-You sure you
should keep eating that?

You're allergic.

-A little bit.
-OK.

I have allergies too.

-What are you allergic to?
-I'm allergic to your bullshit.

-Now that we've got
water in here. What do you do?

-Turn it on.
-Yeah, that's the one.

Now while we're waiting
for the hot water.

What we usually do
is we learn a dance or song.

-OK.
-Stand and Up.

Stand and Down.

Why you got your head down?

-I thought that's what you did.

-I say:
a kiki popo kiki popo.

and you go: a room papa chi.

-A room papa chi.

-But you have
to move your hips as well.

-A room papa chi.

-Stand and Down.

No, don't.... Don't do the head.
I'm looking at your feet.

-My head just naturally
wants to go down.

Just feels more respectful.

-To whom?

Who are you bowing to?

-The troops.

-Just pour it
to about three quarters.

Gives you a cup of tea.

That's us Paul.

-You don't want to do anymore?

-Nah.

-Ready?

Stand at.
Stand at Ease.

Stand and Up. Stand and Down.

Head up!

Attention!

Stand and Up.
Stand and Down.

Quick march!

And one, two, three, four, in.

And one, two, three, four, in.

And one, two, three, four, in.

Left march.

And one.

Two. Three. Four.

And in, and salute.

And Up, two, three, Down.

I think that's a really good start.

-Chi!
-A kiki popo, kiki popo!

-A room papa chi,
a room papa chi!

-A kiki popo, kiki popo!

-BOTH: A simi simu se, simi simu se!

A wili wili miti, a wili wili miti!

Viva! Viva! Hey!

-Suana pa banana...

-Suana pa banana...

-Suana, suana, suana, banana!

-Suana, suana, suana, banana!

-If you don't want it...

-Throw it outside!

-If you don't want it...

-Throw it outside!

BOTH: Throw it
outside! Throw it outside!

Cheeehooo!

-My man.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Matt,
as Tofigas surrogate tonight.

-We're very happy with that.

-How much of Tofigas dance
was culturally appropriate there?

With your knowledge of Samoan dance.

-120%.
-Wow.

-The kiki poppa kiki poppa,
you got that down, didn't you?

-Yeah.
-How have you retained the dance?

-I think if he led me,
I might be able to.

-Are you able to fulfill that role?

-Suana pop banana?

I remember that bit. There
was the kiki poppa, kiki poppa.

-I don't think
that's quite right.

-It was definitely "If you
don't want it, throw it outside."

-That's right.
-Yeah, yeah.

Which is a good lesson for anyone.

-True.

-Hayley, Paul's dancing
was quite good.

Where did you learn...
-Sorry. Sorry.

Dancing, Jeremy?

Marching is a sport.

-It's sort of like
dressage for people.

-When did you do marching?

-Still.
-You march now?

-Yeah, I've marched
since I was, like, eight years old,

and I'm 34.

-Why?

-It's a good question.

-How many people are you
rustling up for your marching?

Is it just you or...

-No, no, it's a team.
-There's a team?

How many?
-In a technical block there's ten.

-Impressive. And you can
get ten people together to do that?

-Hundreds.

-OK, Paul, I'm ready for another
lesson. Who have we got next?

-Last but academically
not least, it's Doctor Howells.

-Stop right there!

Before you pass, you must answer
my questions three!

-OK.
-Is your name Paul?

-Yes.

-Do you like to party?

-Yeah.

-Do you think I'm beautiful?

-Yes.

-Oh!

Thank you Paul, you have freed me

because you could see
that I was beautiful on the inside.

And, that's what matters.

-OK.

-Telling the truth
serves a lot of good, doesn't it?

-I would say, like when you had
the mask on,

I felt like I was lying
when I said yes.

-Yeah, I kind of
hope that you would say...

But the magic still worked anyway.

-OK.
-Yeah.

And it's important
to be kind and respectful.

OK? Because you don't know,
what people are going through.

Thank you for saving me.

-No worries.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OK Abby.

So, just quickly clarify the lesson
that you were teaching Paul there.

-It was through not lying
that he found my inner beauty.

-But he didn't...
-Didn't he lie?

-I did lie.

That mask was...
It was, I'd say, objectively ugly.

-I think probably
the lesson he learned

was kindness always pays off.

-I think I did learn

that if you're going to hurt
someone's feelings, lie.

-And why are we vilifying
the ugly version of Abby?

Like why is she bad?

-Well, that's another lesson.

-This is the thing.

The actual thing that we watched,
there was no lesson!

-No.
-Alright.

Let's just be clear about that.
-There is nothing but lessons!

-There was no lesson!

-I will say I did learn the lesson
that ugly people are gross.

-Yes.

-And should be avoided.

-Yes.

-OK. I have to score this.

One point for Abby,
because there was no lesson.

OK. It was teach Paul a lesson.

And there was no lesson. I enjoyed
it, but there was no lesson.

-I don't think you did,
you're fired up mate.

-It's true.

-This is literally the shittiest
we've seen him all season.

-Two points for Hayley
because there was one lesson

that was taught
and it was the marching.

Tofiga ended up
teaching Paul two lessons.

Well, one and a half, really.

So, I'll give him three points.

Tom taught Paul some lessons,

but he didn't test him on any of
the lessons, so none of it went in.

Whereas I thought Ben, actually,
you should get five points

because you taught Paul a lesson
and he remembered it at the time,

even though now he doesn't.

-Yes.
-Yes. Beautiful.

-Thanks guys.

-So, that does it for part four.

It's time for you
to watch some videos

that all have
the same important lesson?

It's good to buy stuff.

We'll see you after the break.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmasters
you cheeky rascals.

Now, if you're just joining us,

you have really screwed
up your timing

because we're nearly
at the end of the episode.

We have just got
the live task to go.

But before we get to that,
can I have a score update, please?

-It's extremely tight.

But out in front on 13,
it's Ben Hurley.

-Wow!
-OK.

(INAUDIBLE CHATTER)

-It's anyone's episode.

Right you guys,
please head up to the stage

for the final task of the show.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OK Paul. Whose reading out
the task tonight?

-Ben Hurley will read the task.
-Sure.

"Write down the name
of an animal, vegetable or vehicle

"and hand it to Paul."

-Thank you Tom.

Thank you Matt. Thank you Hayley.

-You're welcome.
-Thank you Ben.

Thank you Abby.

There's a second task.

-"Using the canvas behind you.

"Communicate to the Taskmaster

"what your animal,
vegetable or vehicle is."

"You may not turn around
while working on your canvas."

"You may not tamper
with your backpack."

"When you are ready for
the Taskmaster to guess

"stand next to your canvas.

"If he guesses wrong, you may alter
your canvas and try again."

"Fastest correctly guessed
animal, vegetable, or vehicle wins."

-Oh, dear.

-You each have a mirror.
Are you ready?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, man.

-Carrot.
-Yes!

-Correct.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

-Jeremy.

-A pig?

-And Matts?

-Um, a turnip?

-Incorrect. Close.

-Jeremy.
-A Diplodocus?

-That is not correct.

-Ben's... a turtle?

-Correct.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

-Koala.
-Correct.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

A chicken?

-That is incorrect.

-Matt's done a Jackson Pollock.

-It's a cat.
-Incorrect.

-Don't give up Abby.

-An airplane?

Matt is that...
Do you want to guess?

-I'm just trying to actually
ascertain the best way forward here.

-OK.

-Maybe if they each tell me

either it's an animal
or a vegetable or a vehicle.

Abby?

-It's an animal.

-OK, that's not helping.

Matt.
-It's a vegetable.

-Abby, is yours an albatross?

-No.
-No.

-Matt, is yours a cauliflower?

-No.
-OK.

They can do one pose.

-OK, you must be a radish.

-Incorrect.

And Abby's?
-Horse?

-OK.

-Pony.

-Matt's?
-Carrot!

-Yes!
-Correct.

-Should have just
pointed at that!

-So, the artworks.

Carrot, carrot, koala,
turtle, Shetland pony.

-Oh, no!

-OK, everyone.
Come on down and we'll judge it.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Welcome home.

-So, based on the order
that Jeremy guessed the pictures.

We get one point for Abby.

Two points for Tofiga.

Three points for Hayley.

Four points for Ben.

And five points for the king
of carrots Tom Sainsbury.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Right. So, what does
that mean for our episode?

-It means that the winner
of episode four with 17 points

is Ben Hurley!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Ben, congratulations

on winning five things

that make you go:
"Hmm... I don't know about that."

Arguably one of the worst selection
of prizes

we've ever had on the show.

Please go and collect them on stage.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

That's the end of episode four,
and what have we learned?

We've learned that if you meet a man
with a creepy folder

full of pictures of women,

it's most likely to do
with the solar system.

We've learned that if you made
an old witch in the forest,

either tell her she's ugly or don't
it will work out fine either way.

But most importantly,

we've learned that the winner
of this episode is Ben Hurley.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

We got right to see you
back here next week!

Ka kite ano, good night.

Captioned by AI-Media
ai-media.tv

-It's time to party hard!

-I don't like organised fun.

-What do you call this?
-My job.

-I'm gonna raw dog it.
-Cool.

-You look psychotic.

-There's a little bit of sex
in the old dog yet, isn't there?