All language subtitles for Chico.and.the.Man.S03E12.The.Dress.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

♪ One, two,
one, two, three and...♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't
so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ If you try now ♪

♪ I know that you
can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's
good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun
if you try ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes, they will
for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will
for Chico and The Man ♪

Hey, Ed.

- What do you want?
- It's very important.

I don't care how important it is.

You realize you're blocking
the television set.

Get out of the way.
I can't see a thing.

You're blocking the whole television.

Ed, this is important
I gotta talk to you.

Not, don't turn that off.
Turn it back on.
I was watching "Mr. Ed."

Ed, how can you watch a talking horse?

Why not? I work with a
talking jackass, don't I?

- What a coincidence. So do I. - Never mind.

Sit down, sit down.
This is important.

- Okay.
- Louie is downstairs.

He's about to let the people
in for the charity sale.

So this is your last chance.
You donating something or not?

I already donated the use of my garage.

That's all the Mexican Art
League is gonna get out of me.

And I donated my services as auctioneer.

Maybe we could turn some of
these kids into artists.

You got a better chance of turning

Billy Graham into a rabbi.

Ed, are you saying little barrio
kids can't learn to paint?

No, they all paint.
They paint dirty words

on walls on, on fences, on
bathrooms, that's all.

You know, I would ask you
to donate your head,

but we already have a Pet Rock.

Knock, knock.
Knock, knock!

Knock, knock, knock?
What's the matter with you?

Why aren't you knocking on the door?

- Who knocks on an open door?
- Get outta here.

-
- Who is it?

It's me again.

- Oh, man, forget it.
- What's up, Salvador?

I came to tell you that for
the auction, my boss Della

is sending over these beautiful
suits from her late husband.

Who is now dead at the present time.

I see, okay.
Hang 'em up downstairs, okay?

Take care of everything.
Good luck!

- That Della is a beautiful person.
- Certainly is.

Imagine that. Donating her
husband's old suits.

- Yeah.
- Doesn't that tell you something?

It tells me that she buried
him in his underwear.

Ed, listen, you got a closet
full of junk you never use.

Okay, now why don't you open up that big

beautiful heart of yours?

- Who said I had a big heart?
- Nobody.

But when I'm desperate
I'll say anything.

I mean, with the right
encouragement, one of these kids

could turn into a great
Mexican painter like

Tamayo, Diego Rivera, John Wayne.

John Wayne was a great Mexican painter?

No, but I wanted to get your attention.

I'm not leaving here till you give me

something decent to auction.

You know something, Chico?

You just graduated from
pest to pain in the neck.

Come on. Just give me
something, will ya?

Alright, I'll find
something in here for you

I don't know what it'll be-- Ah!

Here's something right here.
Brand new. I won it.

Where? In a Tiny Tim lookalike contest?

No. I won it at the world's Fair, 1939.

I used to serenade Margaret on this.

Yeah, no wonder she cut
the strings on you.

No good.
Hey, what's in the plastic bag?

Ah, the plastic bag.

Wanna know what's in here?
This was Margaret's favorite dress.

And her favorite hat too.

- Don't touch it!
- That's a beautiful outfit, Ed.

Beautiful? There aren't
words to describe

how beautiful Margaret looked in this.

We used to go dancing, waltzing
over the casino in Catalina.

Oh, she was so beautiful.
So gorgeous.

Big dip we used to do back then.

Yes, sir, she was so gorgeous

that Lawrence Welk tried to drag her

behind the bubble machine.

I can believe it.

And I bet I'd bring the
highest bid at the auction.

You would lose your bet.

Oh, come on, Ed, wouldn't Margaret

rather have somebody enjoying her dress?

Somebody does enjoy her dress. Me!

Well, but be truthful with yourself.

If Margaret was here today, she'd
donate to a worthy cause.

She certainly would.
She was very generous.

Do you know that our wedding
she threw two bouquets

one to the bridesmaid
and one to her mother.

Then don't you think she would
donate the dress and the hat?

Yes. You know something.
Margaret would say, "Here.

Take the dress." And then
she would say, "Here.

- Take the hat."
- Thank you, Margaret.

And I would say, "Give me
back the dress and the hat."

And I say you should be
ashamed of yourself

for not doing what Margaret would do.

You know something?
You're a very sneaky young man.

Here. Take the hat.

Thank you, Ed.
You're a wonderful person.

No, no, Margaret was a wonderful person.

I'm just your average sensational guy.

Ed, I know how much this
stuff means to you.

Would you rather auction
it off yourself?

No, I think I'll stay up here
and watch the ballgame.

I don't think I could
stand hanging around,

watching a lot of strangers bid on some

fond memories.
It's too sad.

Margaret, Ed just did something nice

put in a good word from
up there, will ya?

- Thanks, Ed.
- Stop that.

- Hey, can I have a pickle?
- No.

- Unh!
- God, wait a minute.

Looks good, Salvador, keep it going.

You got it, Chico.

- Hey, Louie.
- Where it's at there, Chico?

Hey, Louie, where'd you get this radio?

Oh, some little kid in
the leather jacket

donated it to us, Chico.

I hope it don't belong
to somebody we know.

Oh, no chance. He got it
off a highway patrol car.

Hey, man, we're not selling
anything that's stolen.

We're raising money for
underprivileged kids.

And when I hand it over to 'em,

I don't wanna do it from a lineup.

- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir?

Now this outfit.
Uh, do you plan on offering it?

Right away.
How does right now grab ya?

Great. I've been looking
for something like this.

Hey. Ain't you Brad Rushton, the
famous female impersonator?

You're right. Sorry I don't have
an 8 by 10 glossy with me.

- You know the She-She club?
- Yeah.

He is the head "She."

Uh...

Did you say you want to buy
this outfit for yourself?

Oh, it's perfect for my new
number. "Babes in Boyland."

Yeah, dandy.
Well, uh, excuse me minute.

- Louie.
- Yeah?

That guy's a female impersonator
and he wants to buy that dress.

Well, let him buy it if
he's got the legs for it.

Man, that was Margaret's
dress, if Ed finds out

I sold it to a female
impersonator he'll, he'll--

Is, uh, "massacre" the
word your groping for?

No, massacre is too mild
for what he'd do to me.

I tell you what, man,
every time that guy

starts bidding on that
dress, you raise the bid.

You got to wind up with that dress.

Okay.

But I may have to lower the hem.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

- Can we start the auction now?
- Uh, right now.

Even as you speak.
Uh, Salvador, the dress, please.

Alright, everybody, gather round

gather round, gather round.

Okay, I bid you good afternoon,
and you bid me money.

We take credit cards, traveler's
checks, personal checks

and we'll even take cash if
you have the proper ID.

- Now, then.
- I bid $3.

For what?
I didn't start yet.

Now the first item that's gonna go

is this lovely Alice blue gown and hat.

Now what am I bid for this
serenade and nostalgia?

- Six dollars.
- Wonderful purchase, ma'am.

Oh, not so fast. I bid $7.

- Eight dollars.
- Nice going, lady--

- Nine dollars.
- I don't hear you, madam.

Because I didn't say anything.

Well, than the dress is mine for nine.

But I heard 10.

- I didn't hear nothing.
- Neither did I.

I could've sworn I heard the gentleman

with the missing toupee say 10.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did hear a 10.

[Louie] Let's hear it again, 10!

- Sold!
- Hold it. Hold it. 15!

Oh, are you're still here? Oh.

Well, I'm bid 15, do I hear a...

- Sixteen!
- Oh, shut up. Keep outta this.

- Twenty!
- Twenty-two.

- Thirty! Forty!
- Thirty-five.

Why are you bidding against me?

Well, look, you ain't
the only dude in town

with beautiful gams.

The dude with the beautiful gams
has bid $40. Do I hear a 45?

Forty-two. That's my last bid.

- Fifty!
- Sold!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What's the matter with you?

Have those garbage fumes
gone to your head?

- Sold to the man--
- I have another bid.

You said that was your last bid before.

I have a right to change my mind.

He certainly does have a
right to change his mind.

Everybody in America changes his mind.

Go ahead, sir.
Change your mind.

Ed, why don't you stay
upstairs and watc--

Why don't you shut up?
You're only the auctioneer.

This is a gentleman with a wallet.

Go ahead, sir.
Open your wallet.

Come on, let's go, will ya?

All right!
All right!

My absolute last bid is $54.

- Do I hear 55?
- No, you don't.

- Yes, he do, 55!
- Sold.

Are you gonna let this clown
outbid you for a gown

that turned the head of every
man on Catalina Island?

- You're right, $56!
- Sold to the gentleman--

Ed, would you stay out of this?

Why don't you stay out of it?
This is my garage.

- $57 dollars.
- Never mind that.

Hey, hey, hey, you're the high bidder.

- Going once at 56.
- 57.

- Going twice at 56.
- 58!

Sold to the gentleman with
a good taste for $56.

Uh, pardon me, Ed, but I believe
this black gentleman bid $58.

Really? Well, I'm sorry
I didn't hear him.

Anyhow, it's too late.
It's now official.

Here you are, sir.
Here's your dress.

- Thank you. Who do I pay?
- Salvador...

Take the man's money and
give him a receipt.

Come with me.

Hey, too bad, black gentlemen.
But don't worry!

With legs like that
you'll get something.

Hey, Louie. Come here.
What's the matter with you?

Do you realize you were ruining
the sale of Margaret's dress?

Uh, Chico, do you wanna tell
him or should I tell him?

I'll tell him.
You get behind him and hold him.

- Tell him what?
- Ed...

You just sold Margaret's
dress to an impersonator.

No. That's Rich Little?

A female impersonator.

- Who him?
- That's his job.

Oh, I see. He's a cop of
the vice squad, huh?

No. He's an entertainer
at the She-She club.

At night he dresses up as a woman.

He's does, huh?

Well, he's not gonna dress
up as Margaret believe me.

- Hey, you.
- Yes?

- Give me that dress!
- No, no, Ed, Ed.

Now, this next box of goodies
is going as one item.

So if the price is right
let's make a deal.

We have here a wash and
wear bridal gown.

A naked Barbie doll for kinky kids.

Three argyle socks for that
unusual friend of yours.

And for your car we have a
little dog with arthritis.

His head does not go up and down

it's just stay stuck where it is.

Hey, come on, Ed, slow down.
That's your second drink.

Wrong, Louie, it's the third.

Louie, do you realize
that somewhere out there

a guy who shaves is trying
on my beloved wife's dress?

- Mornin', Ed.
- Hi, Charlie.

Ed, uh, I got to talk to you.

If it's about the tickets
for the policeman's ball

forget it, last year I was mugged twice

on my way to the ball.

No, I'm sorry to tell you
this, but a Mr. Brad Rushton

has sworn out a complaint.
I got a warrant for your arrest.

- Arrest for what?
- Assault and battery.

You had to ask.

- It's a lie. I'm innocent.
- Ed, I'm sorry.

I gotta take you down to the station.

Look, if you can go for the bail

you can be out until your arraignment.

I'm not going down to the station.

I hate police station.

I don't like police stations either,

but I show up there every day.

Now, come on, Ed, let's go.

Now, wait a minute.
What're you gonna do?

Oh, no, you're not gonna
put those things on me.

- I don't wear cheap jewelry.
- Oh, come on.

Okay, now what am I bid for
this lovely teddy bear?

- Eighty-five cents.
- Eighty-five cents?

You got nerve, this teddy bear

was fondled by Annette Funicello.

Chico, please help me.
Help me, Chico.

Hey, Ed, what's happenin'?

They're trying to arrest
me and I'm innocent.

Oh, this isn't for beating
up on Brad Rushton?

Oh-ho!

Charlie, you better take me out
of here before I run into

another friend and wind up with
20 years and the electric chair.

You're on your way.
Outta the way here.
Come on, outta the way.

Well, what am I bid for a teddy bear?

[Ed] What made them think they
can pull a thing like that?

I couldn't believe my own eyes.

Police brutality.
That's what it was.

Hey, what happened, Ed?
Did they beat you with a rubber hose?

Worse.

They wouldn't let me go to the bathroom.

Oh, come on, Ed, they let
you go three times.

What good is three times
when you have to go four?

Well, there's only one way to
avoid going to that arraignment.

You gotta go down to the She-She club

and straighten things out with Rushton.

No way, I'd rather go to the arraignment

and tell them the whole truth.
How he attacked me.

What was that?

H-ow he ran out of here
without paying for the dress

and paying for the hat.

He paid me.
I got the money.

What's the matter with you?

All money looks alike.
Where was I?

He was running out the door.

Yeah, so as he was running out
the door, I ran after him

and I tapped him on the
shoulder and I said,

"Pardon me, sir."

Uh, I said, "But would you
return my wife's dress?"

And you know what happened next?

He turned around and he hit me.

And I fell down.
My ankle still hurts.

I have to walk like this--
No, it's the other one.

What about the witnesses?

Will you stop with those interruptions.

You... What witnesses?

Those ten people who saw
you knock the guy down.

Then we had to hold you back
because you kept saying,

"Let me go. Let me go.
I'm going to kill him.

- I'll kill him."
- I never said "I'll kill him.

I'll kill him."

You know what I said?
I said, "I'll kill him.
I'll kill him.

That's what I'll do.
I will tear him and I will knock his...

I was..."

Who are we kidding fellas?

Perry Mason couldn't get
me out of this mess.

No, but, uh, Brad Rushton can.

Why don't you go down to
She-She club and apologize?

Are you kidding?
You want me to humble myself?

You want me to crawl on
my hands and knees?

You want me to beg with him

to plead with him not
to throw me in a jail

with all those riffraff and those

robbers and those drug addicts--

Yeah, and those muggers and
cockroaches and politicians.

Yeah, yeah.

They wouldn't do that to me, would they?

You better see Brad Rushton
it's your only chance.

My only chance?

- My only...
- That's right, Ed.

Well, if it's my only chance.
What am I sitting here for?

Well, I guess I'll go down there.

But, Ed, just don't lose your temper.

I never lose my temper.

I'll go right up to him,
I'll tap on the shoulder

and say "Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind returning
my wife's dress?"

And if he says no, I'll kill him!

I'll kill him!

-
- [Brad] Come in!

Mr. Rushton?

What're you doing here?

Oh, excuse us lady.

We were told this was the
weirdos dressing room.

- Sir! I am the weirdo.
- Oh, uh...

Oh, Mr. Rushton, we're sorry.
See we come in peace.

Yeah, you see, uh, uh,
these are for you.

This for you.
And so is this.

- It's from Cuba.
- I have connections.

- Yeah.
- Flowers and a cigar?

Well, we figure that one part
of you would enjoy the cigar

and the other part of you
would love the flowers.

Now, what Mr. Brown means is he's sorry.

- Yeah, didn't I say that?

- You were close.
- Oh.

Thank you. Now excuse me I'm
on in just a few minutes.

Now, that's cigar costs
a buck and a half.

Ah, who cares?
Easy come, easy go.

Oh, excuse me, sir.
Could I flick your Bic?

Nothing personal.

Mr. Brown, after our last meeting

I don't want you near me
with a lighted match.

- Oh, goodness.
- Nothing personal.

Uh, well, what, what
I-I came here for was

to apologize, I'm trying to say that

I'm sorry that I roughed you up.

I trust the judge will take
that into consideration.

Why, did you hear what
this mixed up, sick--

Ah, ah, see, what Mr. Brown means is--

What Mr. Brown means is clear.

He cannot tolerate the notion
that there are lifestyles

in our society that do
not conform to his.

Well put, you freak.

Well, like they say in the old country

"Now all the tortillas
are on the table."

I don't care what they
say in the old country.

I want my wife's dress back!

- Ed, take it easy.
- I'm taking it easy.

I've got an excellent idea,
Chico. Take it out of here.

I've got to slip into
my gown. Excuse me.

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Why can't we be reasonable?

Just give me the dress back

and I'll buy you another
dress brand-new.

[Chico] In any store of your choice.
Bergdorf Goodman.

- Saks Fifth Avenue, I. Magnin.
- Sam's Army Surplus.

The Beverley Hills store.
See the sky's the limit.

Miss, it's just that Mr. Brown
really loves his wife's dress.

What you don't seem to understand is

that I love the dress too.

- [Ed] Yeah, but--
- And the hat.

Yeah. What you don't understand
is that I love my wife.

You mixed up whatever you are.

I'm not mixed up as you
think, Mr. Brown.

I want you to know that
I-- I would never

deliberately hurt your wife's memory.

And I will treat her dress with the same

respect that you treated her.

Oh.

Well, you know, you see,
it-- it isn't you.

It's just anybody.

I never would've agreed to this auction

if I hadn't been conned into it
by some fast-talking hustler.

- He means me.
- Yeah.

I'll tell you what, If
you give back the dress

I'll personally refund your money

I'll even throw in a
great little ukulele

that Ed won at a World's Fair.
What do you say?

Please, Miss Rushton.

- Mister.
- Oh, sorry.

Well, that's a-- Oh, I beg your pardon.

What, what, I-- I wanted to say was...

I love, I love my wife
and I loved her dress.

And I'm sure it means much more to me

than it could ever mean to you.

Please.

I guess I'll have to kill him.

Here's the dress.
Keep the money as a donation.

Now, we have a show to do.

- We?
- Yes, Mr. Brown.

The girls and I.

Why at this very moment, I'm about
to go from Brad Rushton...

into...

Oh, darling, Tallulah Bankhead.

I need a drink.

Darling.

Oh, and then...

Just then...

Then I can-- I can switch and
put on that marvelous voice

of that frail but lovely lady who loves

the wonderful season of the year

when the calla lilies
are in bloom again.

Katharine Hepburn.

Isn't she simply divine?
I hate her.

She's won more Academy
Awards than I have.

Poor skinny thing.
Mmm!

Oh, Bette Davis.

I loved you in "Dark Victory."

I saw it 12 times.
You realize that?

And do you remember me, Mr. Brown?

Oh.

When I asked the boys in the back
room what they would have...

you said, "Marlena."

- She's great.
- She's a he.

No, no, I mean Marlena Dietrich.

Oh, oh, well, thanks a lot
and thanks a quid. Hmm.

Boys, I'll see outside, up front.

Come up and see me some time.
Hmm, ohh, hmm.

Frankly, boys...

Frankly, boys, I've seen enough of you.

Ah, isn't she great?

- Yeah. Mae West.
- Ah, no, no, Brad Rushton.

Uh, you know something, Mr. Rushton?

Maybe I've been selfish.

You know, uh, I was thinking that maybe

I was the only one who could enjoy this.

But it seems to me with your talent

you can make so many, many
other people enjoy it too.

Here.

Uh, and watch out for the, uh,
zipper in the back there.

Margaret had a lot of trouble with it.

You're quite a man, Mr. Brown.

And you're quite a lot of ladies.

Hey, hey.

Look, I just wanted to
ask you something.

Uh, I wanted to ask you, Mr. Rushton

is there a Mrs. Rushton,
I thought maybe I would

be able to sell her a
couple of my old suits.

♪ In my sweet
little Alice blue gown ♪

♪ When I first wandered
down into town ♪

♪ I was both proud
and shy as I felt... ♪

Oh... He really put on a
great show didn't he?

- That Brad Rushton.
- Yeah.

Ah...

Hey, one thing though.
You embarrassed me a little bit.

Trying to pick up that chorus boy.

Hey, man, anybody could
make that mistake.

I thought he was Anne Margaret.

Oh, sometimes it makes you wonder.

Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out

that Flip Wilson was really Geraldine?

It would be even worse if we found out

Miss America was Bert Parks.

Yeah... well, anyhow, I sure showed you

a good time tonight, didn't I?

What do you mean you?
Brad picked up the tab.

- It was all on the house.
- Yeah.

But that's only because
he wanted to apologize

for having me arrested.

Well, I hope you learned
something from all of this.

I certainly did learn something.

I learned you can't judge people
just because they're different.

All that counts is what kind
of a person they really are.

And tonight I found out what
kind of person you are.

You really want me to tell you?

Yeah.

Okay, come on upstairs and fix
your nice warm saucer of milk.

Would you, uh, would you
rub me behind my ears?

I'll even put a little kitty
litter in your sandbox.

Oh, get out.

[Freddie] Chico and The
Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank California.

♪ Chico was born
in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time
in the streets ♪

♪ His mind was craving
for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly
for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪