All language subtitles for Chico.and.the.Man.S01E17.Ed.Steps.Out.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

[José Feliciano] One, two,
a-one, two, three and...

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't
so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ If you try, now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend
a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone

♪ And a new day
has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun
if you try ♪

♪ And I know things
will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will. ♪

♪ For Chico
and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny,
he don't understand, yeah ♪

I'm coming.
I'm coming.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Could you please take a look at my car?

Sure.

It's very nice.
Anything else?

You see, I don't drive very well.

And I don't know anything about cars.

And it makes a strange noise
whenever I start it.

What kind of a noise was it?

Oh, well, it's sort of
a thumpity thump--

you know, a thumpity thump,
thump, thump, thump.

Well, sounds to me like you
either have a loose fan belt

or you've got a bongo player
stashed in your trunk.

Huh?
Oh, that's a joke.

That's very amusing, Mister, um...

Brown. Ed Brown.

How do you do?
My name is Shirley Schrift.

You know something?

I've just moved in this neighborhood.

My condolences.

Oh, no.
I like it here very much.

As a matter of fact, I just
bought Mr. Stedman's Bakery.

You know, down the street?

We carry a complete line of baked goods.

You should see my beautiful buns.

All right.
Let's take a look at the car.

Wait a minute.
Uh, uh, uh...

Could I have an estimate first?

You know, things being the way they are,

I don't want to get overcharged.

Lady, look around this garage.
Do we look like we overcharge?

No.

But listen, my late
husband, Max, he taught me

that I should always get
an itemized bill first.

Oh, very nice.

Hi, Ed.

Hi, Chico.

This is my number one
mechanic, Chico Rodriguez.

Hello, Chico.
I'm Mrs. Schrift.

I bought the bakery down the street.

The lady wants an itemized
bill, so grab a pencil.

We carry a lovely line of French pastry.

You should see my glazed buns.

- I got the pencil, man.
- Okay.

Uh, let's see.
Item number one.

I walked to the front of the car.

Nine steps at two cents a step.

That's 18 cents.

- 18 cents?
- You're lucky.

He usually takes smaller steps.

For lifting up the hood, 40 cents.

Wait a minute.
Forty cents?

The hood opens from the inside.

- Here.
- There we are.

Oh, look what's here.
You little devil, you.

- Are you talking to me?
- [Ed] No, lady.

I was just having a
philosophical discussion

with your fuel pump.

Okay, Chico, take care of it.

Got it.

Now, when he gives you the items,

don't pay anything more than a buck.

- A buck?
- Buck.

- You mean only $1?
- That's right.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

- That's very kind of you.
- You think I'm being kind?

Wait till you come in again.
I'll rob you blind.

You know something?

That is a very interesting man.

But is he always this
grouchy in the morning?

Yeah.

Well, only until he's had
his first shot of...

coffee.

I know what you mean, Chico.

My late husband used to drink a little.

It's funny how he reminds me of Max.

I think it's the mustache.

You know, I think a mustache
makes a man very handsome.

Why thank you, my dear.
So kind of you to say so.

Or "cute," as the case may be.

But you know, I think
Ed Brown's mustache

- makes him, um... très distingué.

What?

Très distingué.

Oh, but I suppose that his wife

tells him things like
that all the time, huh?

Oh, no, Mr. Brown is a swinging single.

- What'd you say?
- Mr. Brown's a widower.

A widower?

Oh, how sad.

Um...

I imagine it must be
terribly lonely for him,

you know, living all by himself.

No. I'm usually here.

I live in that van.

What?
You live in this little van?

You and Ed?

No. Ed's got the penthouse.

Penthouse?
What penthouse?

That penthouse.
This is a duplex garage, honey.

What, you mean that poor man
has to run up and down

these steps all day long?

Don't worry.
He's in great shape.

He's got the heart of a 20-year-old kid.

Really?

Tell me, what about the rest of him?

The rest of him?
Candela.

Oh. Listen, how long
will my fuel pump take?

A few minutes.

All right.
I'll be right back.

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ People know the game
you're playing ♪

Don't bother to call us.
We'll call you.

Hey, man, you got a secret admirer.

You mean the lady with the glazed buns?

The same.
Hey, she likes you, man.

She even told me your
mustache was très distingué.

I don't want to hear about it.

Ed, what's the matter?

Is it so hard for you to believe
that a middle-aged woman

might be attracted to you?

Why don't you go out with her?

See what you've been missing.

I don't want to find out
what I've been missing.

I might start missing it.

Come on. I know the fire
hasn't gone out yet.

What fire?
All I got left is a pilot light.

Well, why don't you take Shirley out

and let her turn up your thermostat?

Listen, you don't understand.

I don't want to get
involved with anybody.

Who says you got to get involved?

This is the first date, to
find out if you want to have

a second date -- you know,
love 'em and leave 'em.

- Yeah.
- Give 'em a test drive.

- Test drive?
- Yeah.

When you buy a used car, you
gotta give it a r-r-road test.

A r-r-road test?

That's right, man.

You got to sample the merchandise.

Sample the merchandise?

In my day, we called that
"damaging the goods."

You're a hopeless case, man.
I'm going to the storeroom.

Ah...

Très distingué, huh?

Mm, distingué.
Oh, yeah.

What are you looking at?

That adorable little mustache.

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ People know the part
I'm playing ♪

Wait.

Ah. Let's see...

Chico.

Uh, uh...

Hello. Uh...

Hello, Shirley!

Oh. Hello, Shirley.

- Hello, Ed.
- Hi.

I brought you a little
something from the bakery.

Yeah, that's the least I could do
after you were so kind to me.

Why was I kind to her?

The mustache, remember.

This is my upside down cake.

I think, from now on,

I'm going to call it the Ed
Brown Upside Down Cake.

It'll be famous all over
the neighborhood, huh?

You know, you see, it's got a
hard crust on the outside,

but inside it's all soft and sweet.

You sound delicious,
Eddie, sweetie pie, baby.

- Here.
- Oh. Well, uh...

I don't know that I ought to take, uh...

That's very nice.
I really couldn't.

I was...

I think I'd better go in the showroom.

[Shirley] Oh.

I don't think he liked the cake.

Oh, are you kidding?

He's probably in there crying
like a baby right now.

Oh, really?
Oh, that dear, sweet man.

Listen, Chico, do you think
that Ed would buy a ticket

to the Baker's Charity
Ball this Saturday night?

All the proceeds go for liver research.

Oh, yeah.
Ed'd go for that.

He's very close to his liver.

All right, then, I'll ask him, huh?

No, uh, Shirley, I'll
tell you what, uh...

You want Ed to take you
to that dance, right?

- Well, the thought has crossed my mind.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, listen, I'll let you
in on a little secret.

- Ed digs you.
- He does?

He said, "What a woman."

- He did?
- But, see, he's old-fashioned.

He has those old-fashioned male ideas,

like he has to make the first move.

So, you can't ask him to go,
because if you ask him to go,

he won't go with you, 'cause he
has those old fashioned ideas.

So if you ask him to go,
forget it, you blow it,

he won't go with you.

So when you ask him to go,

you gotta make it sound
like he asked you to go.

You see what I'm saying?

Well, not quite.

- I'll tell you again.
- No, no, no.

Don't tell me, Chico.

By the time you explain it to me,

the dance could be over.

Let me try one more time.

No, I think I got the general idea.

Okay, here, let me handle it.

Where?
Right here?

Ed? Uh, could I have a word with you?

Yeah. What is it?

What's happening?

- Tell him.
- Uh...

Ed, I was wondering if you would care

to buy a ticket to a charity dance.

Well, uh, who's throwing this dance?

Well, it's the Bakers Annual
Dance for liver research.

[Ed] Liver research.

I think your liver would
be just right at home

at a dance like that.

You do, huh?

Y-You see, I'm on this committee, and...

Oh, I wish people would
just send in their money,

a-and then not have to go to a dance.

The average man who buys the
tickets wants something

for whatever he gets.

Yeah, but you're not the average man.

I wish people would
just forget about it,

and send in their money.

You know, you strike me
as the kind of a man

who would send in his money

- without asking for anything in return.
- [Ed] Yeah.

Boy, oh boy, have you
got the wrong number.

If Ed Brown ever gave to charity,

he'd definitely want to go to
the dinner and the dance.

- Yeah, that's right.
- He would?

- Yeah.
- Oh, well,

I wish that I felt that way.

What do you mean?

Do you mean you're not
going to the dance?

Oh, no.
I just have to sell the tickets.

I don't have to go to
that beautiful dance.

Well, what do you mean?
You got nobody to take you?

Oh, no, uh, lots of...

Uh, that's not true, uh...

Any number of men, uh, would ask me.

Uh, I mean, they would take me.

Yeah... but, uh,

but nobody has asked you, huh?

[Shirley] Not exactly.

Well, that's a shame.
I feel terrible about that.

You're such a ni-- it seems to me--

you see, if I wasn't busy--

You're not busy!

Oh, you're not!
What a surprise!

Come on, man!

You're gonna be late for your date!

Swing it, hot lips!
Let's go!

Come on! We'll have a
drink before you go!

Hey, are you dressed?

[Ed] Yes, I'm dressed.
I'm dressed.

[Chico] Whoo hoo!

There you go, Robbie Redford Jr.!

Boy, wait till Shirley sees you.

Are you in trouble.

Well, she's not gonna see me.

What do you mean, she's
not gonna see you?

- You're all dressed up.
- Yeah, but not for her.

I'm dressed for the movies.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Ed.

There's a woman coming here who
expects to be taken to a dance.

You can't change your mind now.

What do you mean I can't change my mind?

Let me tell you something, Chico--

a couple of hundred years
ago, on a cold winter night,

a middle-aged man wearing a cape,

a white wig, and holding a flag

was standing on the banks
of the Delaware River,

waiting for the tide to come in.

And when the tide finally came in,

he and his soldiers jumped into a boat

and rowed through the wind and the snow

and the ice flowing across
that river to the other side,

where they climbed out of
that boat and up a hill,

and they saw the campfires of the enemy.

And then, at a signal from their leader,

they jumped up, and attacked.

And in short order,

they destroyed the entire enemy camp,

and they captured 400 Hessian soldiers.

And that's why I'm not taking
Shirley to the dance.

Yeah, she'll understand that.

Good.

But, just in case it comes
up in the conversation,

what in the world has George Washington

capturing 400 Hessians got to do

with you not taking
Shirley to this dance?

Why do you think he crossed that
river, to go to a cookout?

No! He crossed that
river for our freedom,

so I would have the right to take

or not to take Shirley to the dance.

Ed, I don't think it's
very American of you

to not take Shirley to the dance

and put the blame on George Washington--

especially when he's not
here to defend himself.

Ah, if that's the way you feel about it,

let's drop the subject.

Drop the subject?

A woman spent all week looking
through about 50 or 60 dresses

before she picked the right one.

Then, today, she went to the
beauty parlor for three hours.

Then, after that, she went home
and took a two-hour bubble bath.

Then, she got dressed,
put on her makeup,

jumped in the car, came over
here, so you can tell her,

"Shirley, I'm not taking
you to the dance. Sorry."

Well, listen, I could accept
that from Attila the Hun,

from Genghis the Khan,
from Jimmy the Greek,

but not from my pal Eddie Brown.

Believe me, Chico, you can believe it.

Give me one reason that makes sense

why you won't take her to the dance.

All right, I'll give you a reason.

But you got to keep it a secret.

She's got thick thumbs.

- Thick thumbs?
- Thick thumbs.

I like the George
Washington story better.

That's the reason I never
liked Elizabeth Taylor.

She has thick thumbs.

You know, you're probably
the only guy in this world

that ever looked at
Elizabeth Taylor's thumbs.

And not only that, Shirley
smells of powdered sugar.

Well, she took a bubble bath.
You won't smell it.

You'll never get rid of the
smell of powdered sugar.

- Well, do me one favor.
- What?

When you lie to her, do a better
job than you did on me, alright?

I'll think about it.

[Shirley] Yoo-hoo!

Here I am!

[Chico] Whoo-whee!

I'm ready.

Ed, doesn't she look beautiful?

I say, "Ed, doesn't she look beautiful?"

Maybe he doesn't think so.

No. No, no, no.
Y-Y-You're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

You know, you look very
nice in your blue suit.

Oh, well, you should see
me in my gray suit.

It matches my mustache.

George Washington would sure
be proud of you, wouldn't he?

Why would George Washington
be proud of him?

George Washington is the
name of my tailor.

The tailor without the thick thumbs.

Oh, wait a minute.
I think I'm losing an eyelash.

Uh, where can I paste it on again?

- Try the men's room.
- The men's room?

Oh, thank you.

I'll just be a minute.

I can't do it.
I can't do it.

You see how she looks?

- How did she look?
- She looks gorgeous.

- So?
- So that's it.

- What's it?
- I can't handle it.

You're not supposed to handle it.

You're supposed to dance with it.

I'll get you some wine.
It'll relax you.

All right.

Listen, any woman who'd go out with me

should have her head examined.

I haven't been out on a date so
long, I-I don't know what to do.

Hey, it's like riding a
bicycle or swimming--

it never leaves you.

I have complete faith in you, man.

It's like, just because a watch
hasn't been wound in 30 years,

don't mean that it don't keep
the right time anymore...

long as the mainspring is not broken.

Yeah.

How do I know if my
mainspring is broken?

Nobody's asked me the time lately.

Ed, man, you're just
taking her to a dance.

Yeah, but why do I talk
to her at a dance?

You know, during the dance, I
might have something to say,

but between dances,
what do I say to her?

You always got something to say.

You've never been at a
loss for words with me.

Yeah, that's right.

To you I've got plenty to say.

But with her, you know, what
do I say when she asks me

how many operas I've heard,
how many books I've read,

how many ballets I've seen?

What do I say?

Tell her you were out
of town at the time.

Ah, you're no help at--

Here, look at this.
Look at that hand.

- Steady as a rock.
- Yeah.

That shows you how nervous I am.
It usually shakes.

Well, I'm all pasted together.

Oh, wine.
How romantic.

- Yeah.
- Here.

- This is for you.
- Oh, that's very sweet.

You know, my Margaret used
to do the same thing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I used to do that for Max, too.
- Aww...

That's a beautiful dress you have on.

You think so?
Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

I must have tried on 50 or 60 dresses

before I picked this one out.

Oh. Yeah, and your hairdo
is just as fantastic.

Yeah? Heh.

I sat in the beauty
parlor for three hours.

And then the bubble bath for two.

You were peeking.

May I propose a toast?

There is an old Spanish
saying that goes...

Aw, that's beautiful.

What does it mean?

Uh...

- What does it mean?
- Bottoms up.

Oh, Ed, listen, the orchestra
has promised to play

until 3:00 in the morning.

Oh, I'm glad you told me.

I'll bring along an extra pair of socks.

The great thing about being your age is,

no matter how late you stay out,

you don't have to worry about
getting up for school

the next day.

You know, he's so right.

What's the rush?

This wine is delicious.

It's a Chablis, isn't it?

- Ah.
- Mmm.

Yes. To think it was made only four
blocks from here in a basement.

Oh, this brings back such memories.

You see, I lived in Chicago
before I moved here.

Max and I, my late
husband, we had a bakery.

I'll never forget the
last time I saw him.

You know, it was snowing.

And I said, "Max, on your way
home from work tonight,

could you bring me a
couple of cucumbers?"

He said, "Of course, Shirley."

So when he came in that night, I said,

"Well, Max, where are the cucumbers?"

He said, "Oh, I'm so
sorry, I forgot them."

But being the nice guy
that he was, he said,

"Well, I'll just run over to
the store and get them."

That was the last time
I ever saw him alive.

- What happened?
- Uh...

Well, you know, it was snowing
heavier and heavier,

and the snow plows came out.

On his way home from the store,

he ran across the street,
right into a snow plow.

The driver never even saw him.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

I went all over the
street looking for him.

"Max! Max!"
No Max.

They found him two days later
in my neighbor's lawn.

He was a snowman.

He still had the cucumbers
in his hands -- frozen.

Well, now that we know what
happened to the cucumbers,

let's go to the dance.

- [Shirley] What's the rush?
- Yeah.

- Well, you know, Ed hates to miss the first dance.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but when I came in tonight,

I got the definite feeling
that you never planned

to take me to that dance at all.

Well, you're absolutely right.

But when I saw how beautiful you
looked, I changed my mind.

But after listening to you yack
away for the last five minutes,

I'm not so sure.

Well, in that case, Chico,

just open another bottle of wine.

I can't stand a woman who drinks.

Margaret never had more than one
glass of sherry before dinner.

Oh, Margaret this, Margaret that.

Can't you talk about anything
but your precious Margaret?

Ed, wait!
Don't you hit her.

And you're just as bad.

There's one good thing
about this evening--

it's a short one.

- Good night.
- Good night!

[Chico] Hold it! Freeze!

Stop right where you are.

Don't you see what's happening?

It's not Max or Margaret
that's breaking you up.

It's a fear of getting
emotionally involved.

Yes. Franklin Delano Roosevelt said,

"There is nothing to
fear but fear itself."

That's why Jack and
Jill went up the hill

to fetch a pail of water.

That's why, when the sparrow's in love,

he flies upside down.

That's why a squirrel
gathers his nuts in May.

You know, I couldn't understand
exactly what he said,

but I think he's right.

Yeah, neither do I, but I...
You got something there.

Listen, Come on, Ed.
Let's go to the dance.

I hate to miss the first dance.

Well, I'm afraid we've already
missed the first dance.

All right. What do you
say we have it here?

- You talked me into it.
- [Shirley chuckles]

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

- [Shirley humming along]
- ♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ People know the part
I'm playing ♪

You didn't want to go to
that dance, did you?

Yeah, tell you the
truth, I really didn't.

But it wasn't on account of you.
It's just that I was so nervous.

This is the first date I've ever
had since Margaret passed away.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Come on, Ed, tell me all about her.

Oh, some other time.

Mmm. You know, you smell beautiful.

What kind of perfume are you wearing?

- Powdered sugar.
- Powdered...

I've adjusted the carburetor,
so it'll idle a little faster.

Keep your eye on the drive shaft.

Ed, that's fascinating.

That's a whole world that
I never knew existed.

- There we are.
- Ah!

- Hello, Chico.
- Hi, Shirley.

Listen, I got to get
back to the bakery now.

What time are you going to pick me up?

Pick you up?
You're supposed to pick me up.

Oh, that's right.
I'm so sorry.

- I forgot. Here.
- Son of a gun.

Listen, I cooked you a
wonderful, delicious dinner,

but do you want to have it
before we go to the movies

or after we come back?

I'll have to think about it.

I'll tell you about it later.

- So long, Chico.
- Bye-bye.

Ed... .

Too-da-loo.

How do you do it?
You never cease to amaze me.

Where did you get this
wonderful way with women?

Well, you see, Hank
Aaron has his wrists,

Fred Astaire has his feet,

Muhammad Ali has his mouth,
and I have my mustache.

- And don't you ever forget it, Big Daddy.
- Yeah...

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

♪ Everywhere I go... ♪

"Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio♪

♪ Spent much of his time
in the street♪

♪ His mind was craving
for knowledge♪

♪ His belly for
something to eat♪

♪ But times are hard♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Times are hard♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright♪