All language subtitles for Chico.and.the.Man.S01E16.If.I.Were.a.Rich.Man.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

[José Feliciano] One, two,
a-one, two, three, and...

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't
so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can
lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good
in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun
if you try ♪

♪ And I know
things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will
for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for
Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny,
he don't understand, yeah ♪

Hey, Ed?

All right, all right, all right.

What is it?

Did you see my screwdriver anyplace?

Screwdriver, huh?

How would you describe this tool?

About ten inches long, would you say?

- Yeah.
- With the yellow handle?

Yeah.

You ever seen this before?

Thank you.

Well, what's it gonna be today?

What's your excuse-- crazy or blind?

A little of both.

Crazy in love and blind with passion.

This is not a drive-in.

No passion during business hours.

Ed, there are no hands
on the clock of love.

[British accent] Would you have
asked Romeo to forget Juliet

between the hours
of 9:00 and 5:00?

If I was paying them by the hour,

you bet your sweet life I would.

And speaking of money, Romeo,

you've been rebuilding Juliet's
motor for the past three weeks.

When am I gonna see a few bucks?

Let me put it this way.

What does that mean?

"It's on the house."

Sounds worse in English.

Ed, this is the Chico Rodriguez way

of saying "I love you."

Most guys give their girls flowers.

I give mine a new motor.

You're only kidding yourself, Chico.

You're not in love with this girl.

[Chico] And just what makes you so sure?

You haven't known her long enough.

And I don't believe in
love at first sight.

It wasn't love at first sight.

It was love at first kiss.

Sight had nothing to do with it.

I got 20/20 lips, baby.

That's not your lips.
That's your IQ.

Hey, man, I've never felt this
way about a girl before.

That's what you said about
all the other girls

you never felt this way about before.

- Last call for garbage!
- [Chico] Hey, Louie.

[Ed] Hi, Louie.
It'll be ready in a minute.

Okay.

And you-- I'll be back in a minute,

and I want this love-mobile out of here.

How you feeling, Louie?

Oh, like you say, Ed, you're
only young as you feel.

Every morning, when I wake up,
I feel like a 20-year-old.

That's great.

Yeah, but unfortunately
there's never one around.

- Speaking of 20-year-olds.
- Yeah?

My sources tell me that
Chico's really hooked on

this Marilyn chick.

No kidding.

You've been reading his
garbage again, huh?

What else?

Man, trash tells me more
about what's going on

than the 11:00 news.

- Yeah?
- Now, look at this.

- What?
- That's love.

Love?
Looks like toothpaste to me.

No, it's the new movie star Kind.

Makes you sexy.

No wonder the kid's been
taking a lot of cold showers.

And, too, he's been writing them poems.

I ran across one a while ago,
on one of your unpaid bills.

- Oh?
- It says, "To Marilyn...

Thy glow is as the rays of sun.

Thy smile is like no other one.

Gentle as a bird, graceful as a fawn..."

"Let's go down to Main
Street and tie one on."

Anyway, Chico wouldn't be writing
this stuff if he wasn't in love.

No? Louie, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Boy meets girl, they fool around,

a little heavy petting
in the back of the car.

That's not love.

That's something kids
do to prevent acne.

Almost wish I had a skin problem.

I'd take my medicine three times a day.

I'll bet.

Ah, we've got something, Louie.

I hope the kid isn't
getting any crazy ideas.

You know Chico-- fools rush in.

Yeah, but Chico ain't no fool.

They wouldn't be calling him

"Love 'em and leave em
Rodriguez" for nothin.

You got it all wrong, Louie.

It's "Love em and leave 'em
with nothing" Rodriguez.

That's what it is.

Hi-ho, folks. Louie.

Chico here?

Hey, Chico.

Oh, man.

Hey, Mando.

Hey, did you get the, uh, you know what?

- Yeah, man.
- Shh!

Do you want to advertise
to the whole world?

- All right. Where is it?
- Okay. Okay.

Just picked it up at my
uncle's jewelry store.

Well, let's see it, man.
Come on.

Don't get excited.

Is it okay?

I'll let you know when I find it.

- Find what?
- The diamond, man.

- Where is it?
- It's there someplace.

Hey, look, man, what you
had to pay for this,

and spend on it, that's the
best my uncle could do.

- Anyway, you're getting it wholesale.
- How much?

Dollar down and 25 cents a
week for as long as you live.

Now I know what they mean
by "a diamond is forever."

But thanks, man, for helping me out.

I'll let you know how things work out.

Okay.
Good luck, Chico.

Thanks, man.

See you later, old folks.

Aren't you through with this thing yet?

Just a couple more adjustments.

Why don't you help me finish?

Finished.

- Hi, Chico.
- Marilyn, mommy. Mm!

-
- Time.

Hey, Ed, man, I'm on my coffee break.

You've had enough caffeine for today.

I'm sorry. Marilyn, did
you ever meet Ed Brown?

Well, we've seen each other before,

but I don't think we've
ever been introduced.

Well, then, allow me.

[British accent] Marilyn Simmons,

beautiful lady and Olympic
kissing champion,

Ed Brown, grouchy old
man par excellence.

I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Brown.

Just call me "Ed," and
I'll call you "Marilyn."

That's spelled M-A-R-I-L-Y-N.
Is that right?

Yes. Why?

I just want to be sure
Chico spells it right

when he makes out your bill.

All set, honey.

Goodbye, Ed.

Goodbye, M-A-R-I-L-Y-N.

He's funny.

I'll see you tonight. Mwah!

I'll be ready, Chico.

[Chico] So will I.

Bye!

♪ Oh, love is
a beautiful thing ♪

Well, was I wrong?
Did you see those eyes?

Yeah, I saw those eyes.

She's got two of them-- one
on each side of her face.

Left and right.
So what?

- What about the nose?
- The nose? Oh, yeah.

I won't deny she's got a
nose right over her lips

and under her eyes-- so what?

I didn't get to the good parts yet.

- So what?
- I just proposed to her.

You-- so wha-- You what?

I just gave an engagement ring

When? Her ring finger was never
out of my sight for a minute.

I didn't put it on her finger.

- Oh?
- I put it on her keychain.

- A keychain?
- Yeah. That's style.

I figure, by my calculations,

it'll take her ten minutes to get home.

She'll turn off the car, she'll look,

she'll see the ring,
she'll start crying.

Tears of joy will stream down her face.

She'll run in, and say, "Mama, mama,

Chico just popped the keychain!"

Then, her mother will cry tears of joy.

Another three minutes will go by.

Then, in 14 minutes exactly,

that phone will ring, and
it'll be her, saying,

"Chico, I'd love to marry you

and your mustache."

And we'll be officially engaged.

And right after that, you'll be
officially declared bananas.

I don't want to hear any more about.

This is the craziest
thing I ever heard of.

You and your women driving me incognito.

Don't you want me to start a life?

Uh, excuse me, madam.

Ed, I want to settle down,
and start raising a family.

Chico, I never thought I'd say this,

but in your case, make war, not love.

Ed, okay, I agree, in the beginning

we'll have to make a few sacrifices.

But Marilyn and I love each other.
We won't mind.

Do you know what the number one
cause of divorce in America is?

- What?
- Marriage?

I'd love to stay and listen
to you talk to yourself,

but I've got to pick up my suit,

'cause she will be
calling in ten minutes.

Come back here. You--

You're making a big mistake.

You don't know what you're getting into.

Ah...

All right.
What do you want?

- Uh, fill her up, please.
- Fill her up. Fill her up.

Everybody wants to fill up.

You know, the kid's gonna get himself
in a lot of trouble, don't you?

Before he gets into a lot of
trouble, do me a favor, huh?

- He wants to settle down
- Just forget about the gas.

All right?
I-I'll go somewhere else.

All right. That's good.
And good riddance to you.

And be sure and come back again.

Excuse me, Ed.
Is Chico here?

Well, if it isn't the
blushing bride to be.

Why aren't you home,
weeping tears of joy?

Where's Chico?

Oh, he took a powder.
He went to the cleaners.

Please, Ed, can I talk
to you for a moment?

Huh? Okay.
What is it?

It's this ring.
I-I can't accept it.

What's the matter?
Too small?

I won't take anything
under false pretenses.

You mean he promised you a bigger one?

No.

I don't love him.

You don't love him?

Well-- Well, tell him.

Oh, I can't tell him.

Will you tell him?

You want me to do your dirty work?

I'm sorry, Ed.

I just don't have the heart to tell him.

Oh, you think it'd be easy for me, huh?

You know how to handle him.

- Thanks, Ed.
- Hey, wait a minute.

- Wait a minute.
- Please, Ed.

Just tell Chico I'm really sorry.

Oh, God.

Why me?

Why can't you tell him?

You spoke to the child in the manger.

Why can't you talk to
the kid in the garage?

Hey, Ed?
Did Marilyn call yet?

Well, uh, no, n-not exactly.

What do you mean "not exactly"?

Either she called or she didn't call.

Well, no, no.
She didn't call.

That's strange.
She's three minutes late.

Tardiness -- that's a very
bad trait in a woman.

Ah, it's only three minutes.

Sure. Those were the famous words
of Rip Van Winkle, who once said,

"I'll close my eyes for three
minutes," and look what happened.

Chico, I just heard.

- Congratulations!
- Thank you, Louie.

But I didn't know my engagement
made the front page

of the garbage this quick.

It didn't.
Mando told me.

And I know you kids are
gonna be real happy.

And don't pay no attention
to what people tell you.

What are people gonna tell me?

That marriage is a great institution.

But who wants to be in an institution?

It's like taking a bath.

After you get used to
it, it's not so hot.

- Why buy a cow...
- ...when milk is so cheap?

Thanks, fellas.

Oh, listen, try not to use the phone.

I'm expecting a call from you-know-who.

- Louie...
- Yeah.

- I feel terrible.
- What's the matter, Ed?

Well, we got a problem.

Chico's not gonna get married.

- Say what?!
- Shh. Not so loud.

You want me, Ed?

No, no, no.
You can go back to sleep.

Uh, here, step over here.

I don't get it.

If he's not getting married,
what's he doing getting engaged?

It's like peeling a banana,
and not eating it.

Yeah, well, he's not engaged.

You see, Marilyn was here
just a little while ago,

and she asked me to return the ring.

Louie...

I think you ought to tell him.

- I would, Ed, but... the stars ain't right.
- They're not?

- You see, Chico's a Leo, and I'm a coward.
- Oh.

Hey, old folks.
Where's Chico?

My uncle wants that first
payment on that ring.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Tell your uncle the first payment

is going to be the last payment.

- The whole deal is off.
- You're jiving me.

About a half hour ago,

Chico told me that he was ready
to make the first payment.

Does this look like I'm jiving?

Marilyn isn't going to marry Chico.

And, Mando, as his best friend,
it's up to you to tell him.

- It's up to you to tell him.
- Yeah?

Well, as Chico says,
"It's not my job, man."

Oh, come back here.

It'll be easy.
You can tell him in Spanish.

Yeah, you can tell him in Spanish.

Spanish, English.
What's the difference?

Yeah, what's the difference?

There's a big difference.

Here, let me show you.
Louie, stand over here.

Now, put your hands over your
ears, and don't listen.

Armando, I want you to say
this to Louie, in Spanish.

"Your house just burned down,

you owe $5,000 to the
government in back taxes,

and your wife just ran
away with the butcher."

You got it?

Your house just burned down,

you owe $5,000 in back taxes...

Right.

...and your wife just ran
off with the butcher.

Good.
Go ahead. Tell him.

Louie...

Louie?

- Louie!
- You called?

Mando has something to tell you.,

Go ahead, Mando.

Louie...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, do you know what he said?

No.
But it sure was pretty.

If he was a chick, I'd
follow him anywhere.

See, Mando, as I told you--

in Spanish, even bad news
sounds like good news.

So, when you tell Chico, it--

well, it'll -- it'll make
it a lot easier on him.

Well, would you mind telling
me what the bad news was?

I don't speak Spanish.
It's all Greek to me.

Ed, I got a problem.

[Ed] You're telling me.

I can't figure out which one to wear,

the sincere or the sexy?

Well, why don't you wear them both?

You can be sincere and sexy.

Hey, uh, Mando's got
something to tell you.

Yeah, Mando's got something to tell you.

Go ahead, tell him.
That's it.

What's up?

Chico, uh, heh...

- No.
- [Ed] Yeah.

- No.
- Yeah!

- No!
- Yeah!

- I did it.
- You certainly did.

I'll see you later, Chico.

Louie, is it true?

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah. It's true.

I'm really sorry, Louie.

I hope your insurance covers the fire.

What? Oh, yeah.
I'm fully covered.

Yeah, he's fully-- he's fully covered?

Wait a minute.
I think I just saw your wife down on the corner.

Oh, I want to see her too,
so I better be going--

Wait a minute, Louie.
Wait a minute.

It looks like I'm going
to have to tell him.

Chico, I got something to tell you.

Well, can I check

and make sure the phone
isn't out of order first?

The phone is not out of order!

- What are you hollering about?
- Who's hollering?!

Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.

Ed, is something bothering you, man?

Yeah.
Something's bothering me.

Yeah, something's bothering him.

What is there, an echo in here?

Listen, take it easy, man.
Lighten up.

We can talk about it.

It can't be as bad as you think.

Oh, Chico, I'm happy you feel that way.

Chico, he's happy you feel that way.

You feel that way.

What way?

Well, let me explain it this way.

I'll tell you something about love.

Let's take Romeo and Juliet,
those two famous lovers.

You see, Juliet was not only a bad cook,

she was a terrible liar.

She'd walk out on the balcony,

and her mother would holler after her,

"Juliet, are you out
there on the balcony?"

She'd say, "No, Mother, it's
somebody else out here."

Eh? And everybody could see
that she was on the balcony.

Not only that, but she went to deliver

that beautiful speech about,

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore
art thou, Romeo?"

It proved she needed glasses

because Romeo was right in front of her.

- Right in front of her.
- Oh, yeah, and then

her mother said, "Juliet, you
better get inside here.

That guy's a bum.
I don't want you going out with him or I kill you.

Now go inside, and eat your dinner!"

- But what does that got to do with me?
- You ain't heard nothin' yet.

Wait till he tell you the one about

- George and Martha Washington.
- [Ed] Yeah.

-
- Oh, boy.

♪ There's the lady love
of my life ♪

Mommy, mwah!
What took you so long?

I've been waiting for your call.

Are you surprised, my lover?

Oh, hi, Mr. Peterson.

Yeah, I got it all fixed.

You can pick it up in the morning.

Yeah.

Mr. Pet--

Hey, Mommy.

Time!

Oh, Chico, I'm so happy
you feel this way.

- How else should I feel?
- I don't know.

Some men might be a little upset.

This is the happiest day of my life.

- Now, Chico, that's a little insulting.
- You're right.

Our wedding day will be the
happiest day of my life.

Wedding day?

- Ed...
- [Ed stammering]

I wish I had a drink.

♪ And I wish
I was in Dixie ♪

♪ Away, away ♪

That's why I came back.

I had a feeling you couldn't tell him.

I tried to tell him, but
he wouldn't listen.

He tried to tell him, but
he wouldn't listen.

Give it to me.

I know what it feels like
to give a girl a ring,

and now, I think I know what
it feels like to get it back.

I don't like that feeling.

You want to explain this to me?

It's simple.

You gave me an engagement ring
before you even proposed to me.

Dum-dum. I'm so stupid.
Oh, I should have known.

You're an old-fashioned girl.
I'm sorry, Marilyn.

Will you marry me, my dear?

No.

But why?

I mean, why all this?

Last nine nights in a row,
I've called you for dates,

and the last nine nights
you've accepted.

The last nine nights, when
I go to pick you up,

you're so anxious to see me,
you're waiting on the stoop

in front of the building-- now, why?

Because they were painting my apartment.

That's a thoughtful girl.

She knows she's allergic to turpentine.

Right.

I want you to be honest
with me, Marilyn.

- Is there another man?
- Yes.

I bet it's the painter.

There is another man, Chico,
but I haven't met him yet.

Who is he?

I'll describe him to you.

He's a professional man.

Like a lawyer, right?

Well, he could be.

Or he could be a doctor, or an engineer.

But whoever he is, he's
gonna have a lot of money.

- Gotta be the plumber.
- Mm-hmm.

Someday, I'm gonna have a
lot of money, Marilyn.

How?

I got a lot of plans for our future.

I'm not interested in 20 years from now.

I'm interested in today.

Yeah, what about last night?

All the things you said,
how you felt about me?

Chico... sitting in the
back of a car with you,

a girl's liable to say anything.

Do you remember what you said?

You told me you loved me.

Everybody lies in the back of a car.

Right.

Oh, Chico.

Well, she's right.
Money talks.

And I'm nothing but a gas jockey.

No, don't say that.
It's not true.

Oh, it's not true.
What do I do all day?

"Oh, good morning, sir.
Fill 'er up, sir?

Check your oil, sir?
Nice Ferrari you have, sir.

Wish I had one, but this isn't
the right terrain for it."

Oh, you're young, son.

You'll have your own Ferrari.

Yeah, and I suppose, in the meantime,

I can borrow your Ferrari, right, Louie?

Could I borrow your Ferrari tonight?

Yeah.
I'll use the Mercedes.

Now, wait a minute.

Stop, stop all this, will ya?

Now, Chico, if you want to call
yourself a failure, be my guest.

But I'm not going to let
you call Louie a failure.

- I didn't.
- You implied it.

And I want you to know
Louie is no failure.

Right on, Ed!

I'm sorry, Louie.

And with them words ringing in my ears,

Louie the garbage man
will go back to work.

Because if there's one thing
worse than a failure,

it's an unemployed failure.

So I'll see you cats.

I'm sorry, Ed, I...

I-I was shook up.

I didn't mean to call Louie a failure.

I didn't want to imply
you were a failure.

If I was half the mechanic you
were, I'd be a happy man.

- Well, you're not half the mechanic I am.
- I know.

You're twice the mechanic I am.

I didn't want to say it, but it's true.

And if you're twice the mechanic I am,

well, you should be twice
as happy as I am.

Big deal. When I'm miserable,
I'm twice as happy as you are.

Yeah! How many people can say that?

Look at all the people with a
lot of money who are miserable

because they're not doing
anything they want.

No, I want to be a mechanic.

And you are a mechanic--
and a damn good one.

And you know why?

Because you're happy
with what you're doing.

You get a lot of entertainment
and joy out of it.

You see, that's success.

And if you're too dumb to
realize that, you're right,

you are a failure.

I realize it!

Oh, and don't argue with me.

Because the one thing I want to
tell you on the second place

is that, if you love what you're
doing, that's one thing.

But you also love...

I got through to you?

You got through.

But go ahead, keep on.
The second place, I love what?

Forget it.
There is no second place.

In the second place, I love my boss.

Right, Ed?

No, I'll admit it.
I love my boss.

Oh, I love my boss.

I love my boss so much.

You don't understand how I love my boss.

All right.
All right.

You love your boss.
But you never gave me a ring?

I don't know about that.

He still hasn't got over that girl yet.

Ed, I wish you would stop worrying.

- He'll forget that girl.
- Yeah.

But I hate to see him suffer.

Oh, come on.
I'm gonna put on some coffee.

That's a good idea.

Oh, I think he's gotten over her.

Oh, Chico.

Forget about the coffee, Louie.

Yeah, I'll-- I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Oh, Chico.

Mando, you have done it.

That's the best girlish
giggle I've ever heard.

I can also cry like a
baby and imitate a pear.

Hey, man, I'm just glad you did,

because now Ed'll think I got over her,

and he'll sleep better at night.

- Are you over her?
- Am I over her?

Man, there's a million
fish in the sea, man.

They come a dime a dozen.

I just stand on the corner...

They come like flies, man.
I'm not worried about it.

I got women coming out of my ears, man.

I can't live without her!

Mando, what am I gonna do?
Oh, God!

What am I gonna do without this woman?

I can't live without her.

I'm over her.

- Chico, I'll see you later.
- Okay.

"Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time
in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving
for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for
something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Alright, yeah, yeah... ♪