All language subtitles for Chico.and.the.Man.S01E03.Old.Dog.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

[José Feliciano] Two, three and...

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't
so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can
lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good
in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun
if you try ♪

♪ And I know
things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will
for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will, for
Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny,
he don't understand, yeah ♪

Alright. Rise and shine.

Rise and shine!

Come on, Chico!

Andy Granatelli's already
been up for three hours!

Oh, these kids.
They drive you out of your mind.

Well, I'll have to use
a different approach.

♪ Dum, dum-dum, dum-dum,
Granada ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-dee-dee-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da, dee-da-dee-da ♪

♪ La-da, da-dee-dah ♪

♪ Da-dee-dah, da-dee-dah,
Grenada ♪

♪ La-da, da-dee-dah ♪

♪ Da-dee, la-la-la ♪

- ♪ La-da-dah-dah -- ♪
- ♪ Grenada! ♪

Why aren't you sleeping in
the van like I thought?

Are you kidding, man?
Don't you know Andy Granatelli

- has been up for three hours?
- Yeah?

Well, why did you leave the
garage without telling me?

I came into your bedroom and told you.

How many times have I told you?

Don't come in my bedroom

and tell me something
while I'm sleeping.

But you answered me.
You said I could go.

Oh. Well, that's because I was dreaming

and I thought you meant
you were going forever.

Listen, Ed, why don't you
have a cup of coffee?

I just made it.
It's in the office.

You'll feel a lot better.

And don't try to weasel out of this.

- I am not a weasel.
- No?

How'd you get in my garage?

How'd you get to work for me?

How'd you get into my coffee pot?

- I'm a weasel.
- Yeah.

I see I've got to teach you
the ten commandments.

I think I know them already.

No, these are my commandments.

- Don't they belong to Moses?
- Mine are different.

Number one is, "Thou shall
not leave the premises

- without telling me."
- But I did tell you.

Number two is don't argue with me.

Okay.

Number three is stop
cleaning up the garage

and leave it the way I like it -- dirty.

Alright, Ed, you will be on
the Sanitation Department's

most dirty old man list.

Number four, call me "Mr. Brown."

Mr. Brown. Okay, Ed.

Number six--

What happened to number five?

Number five is don't be a wise guy.

Okay, Ed, I will treat you
with the respect of a son.

And that's another thing-- get that idea

right out of your head.

I'm not your father, and
I'm not your uncle.

- How about a second cousin?
- No way.

- Close friend of the family?
- Forget it.

I could use a pen pal.

Fine.
Why don't you move to Alaska

so I can look forward to your letters?

Am I coming through loud and clear?

Absolutely.
If Moses had been as clear,

he would have gotten his people
out of the desert a lot sooner.

Hey, what are those?

Ways to improve our business.

You just broke the rest
of my commandments--

don't try to change my
method of operation!

What's in those books?

They're repair manuals for foreign cars.

I told you, don't try to change things!

But I bought these B.C.

B.C.?

Before commandments.

These books are gonna bring
us into the 20th century.

I've been in the 20th
century over 60 years,

and I still don't like it.

Look, there's a whole new world
of foreign cars out there,

and we've got to be ready for them.

These books are gonna help us.

Suppose a Ferrari comes in,
expensive Italian car.

I got the manual.

[Italian accent] Ah, buongiorno, paisan.

My name is Chico Falconeri.

I'm your authorized Ferrari mechanic.

Uh, those Italian drivers

are very wild.

Rome didn't fall.
It was hit by a car.

Let's say a Japanese car comes in.

[Japanese accent]
Oh, "herro, rittle" car.

I am Chico Matsumoto.

I will "flix" your Datsun
with "gleat plide,"

and if I fail to "flix"-- kck!--

my "blother" will do it.

[British accent] Oh, I say!
A Rolls-Royce!

Good evening, your Lordship.
So nice of you to come in.

Is your Rolls bothering you?
Yes.

Well, let's have a look
under the bonnet there.

Oh, of course.
Your radiator's dry.

- All it needs is a spot of tea.
- Yeah.

Well, what I need is a shot of bourbon.

Here, let me show you something.

Well, what do you think?

Tell me what it is, and I'll
tell you what I think.

This is what cars are all about today.

This chart will show us
how to control them.

Chart?
That's like saying Picasso

painted by the numbers.

- Didn't he?
- Listen, Chico.

A good mechanic uses his
wrench like a painter

uses his brush -- by instinct.

Okay, so, you got instincts,
but you also got

an empty garage.
I'm bringing you technology.

I don't need technology.

- Nobody knows you're here.
- Yeah?

Nobody knew Van Gogh was alive
until after he was dead.

Sure they did.
All the time, they used to be

going, "Hey, look at the funny
guy with the one ear."

Hey, don't you see?
You've got a Model T mind

in a Maserati world.

[Mabel] Mail call!

Mail call!

Oh, good morning, Ed.

That's your opinion.

Pay up.

Doo-doo-doo.

What is this?

It's a standing bet.

He gives me four to one every morning

that you won't give me a civil answer.

Four to one? If I were you,
I'd ask for better odds.

Isn't it amazing?

No matter what side of the
bed you fall out of,

you never land sunny side up.

That's because the first
thing I see in the morning

is you bringing me those bills.

Hey, is that any way to
talk to your mailman?

- It's not his fault.
- Hey, don't you start

with me, Chico.
I'm not a mailman.

I am a mail person.

Mm, that's your 20th-century
technology for you.

A woman delivering mail
when she should be home

delivering babies.

And a kid off the streets
trying to tell me

I don't know what I've been
doing for the last 30 years.

I showed him some pictures in a
book and it kind of upset him.

Oh, yeah?
What kind of book?

You know, dealing with new techniques.

New techniques?

At your age, you should know them all.

Oh, come on.

This has got to do with motors.

Ooh, that is a new technique.

No, no, no.
I'm talking about foreign cars.

- Oh, in a foreign car?
- Oh, come on, Mabel.

- Give me my mail.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Bill.

Bill.

Bill.

Oh. Final notice.

And a calendar.

- Anything for me?
- Oh, not today.

Well, I was expecting a
letter from my cousin.

He's on his way to making a fortune.

Oh, really? Doing what?

He's an inventor.
He just invented a new dog food

that tastes just like a mailman's leg.

Boy, why do I always get
sucked into your stories?

Hey. This girl is totally nude!

No, she's not.
She got on a shower cap.

Mabel, does your mother know

you're out delivering nude calendars?

My mother posed for that picture.

Oh, I'm wasting my time talking to you.

No. Listen to her, Ed.
Get the woman's point of view.

They own 50% of the cars in the country.

Yeah, and they cause
90% of the accidents.

We can afford to.
We control 90% of the money.

You know, I don't know why
you take care of cars.

You should be shoeing horses.

Progress, huh?
That's your idea of progress?

Would you take a girl like this
home to your mother's house?

Only if I knew my mother
wasn't gonna be home.

Oh, no, you don't.

Well, I got to know what day it is, man.

Well, ask me every day.

Just ask me every day,
and I'll tell you.

If you want to hang
something on the wall,

put up a picture of Henry Aaron.

Who wants to look at a
naked baseball player?

Ohh.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, those Italians sure
know how to make cars.

It's German.

Yeah, built by Italian workers.

What can we do for you, sir?

Well, you can either stop those wipers

or make it rain, but
do it quickly for me,

will you, Pops?
I'm on my way to the track.

And while you're at it, why
don't you check the air

- in the rear tires for me?
- Check the tires.

I'll handle this.

They, uh--

- They ever do this before?
- Yeah.

Well, looks like they're doing it again.

Look, uh, I got a sure thing
in the first race, you know?

So can we kind of hurry this up, please?

Oh, sure, sure.
Turn your motor off.

It is off.

It's off?

Well, these things
shouldn't be doing this.

You know anything about these cars?

The car hasn't been made
that I can't handle.

That's what I like-- a
man with confidence.

Now, if you've got the
brains to go with it,

I'll be able to make the track.

- What are you trying to do?
- It's a trick.

I'm trying to put the
car on my shoulder.

You open that from the inside.

Alright, open it.
Yeah, that's better.

Uh -- Hey!

- Where's your motor?
- It's in the back!

Oh, okay.

Ed, maybe I should get the manual.

You get the manual, and
I'll break your arm.

Get the manual.
I'll fix your arm.

You have any idea why your
car is acting this way?

- Yeah. Comes from a broken home.
- Alright, alright, man.

I'm a mechanic.
I'm like a doctor.

- I got to ask questions.
- Alright.

I was driving down the freeway.

A cop was following me.
I slowed down.

Next thing I know, my wipers
started going back and forth,

back and forth, back and forth.

Sounds like nervous anxiety to me.

What?

Well, you said you were driving
down the freeway, right?

You saw a cop.
He saw you speeding.

You slam on the brakes.
Your fear was transmitted

to your windshield wipers,
causing a nervous tick.

- You're putting me on.
- What's the matter?

You don't believe inanimate
objects have feelings?

I tell you a story.
I had a grandmother.

God rest her soul.

When she died, her rocking chair

loved her so much, it kept on rocking.

Yeah, I saw that picture
on the late show, too.

Yeah. Wasn't it great, right?
At the end,

the basement door kept opening, going--

- Ow!
- What happened?

I don't know.
I think something bit me.

You guys don't know what you're doing.

I mean, you're both as loony

as the guy who sent me in here.

Admit it -- you don't know
anything about this car.

Oh, no? Your wipers have
stopped moving, haven't they?

-
- Oh, great.

Now the horn's going!

Don't worry. I'll fix it.

He'll take care of it.

-
- Yeah, I got it.

Now the radio's going!

Will you settle for a little music?

You're not a mechanic!
You're a butcher!

Listen, one crack out of you,
and I'll have your liver

on the end of these pliers.
Now stand back.

There you are!

How about that?

Ed? Ed?

Ed?

Ed, where are you going?

You were right, kid.

Technology is in.
Instincts are out.

And that means I'm through.

- Who is it?
- [Chico] It's breakfast.

Oh, go away.

[Chico] I made some nice muffins

and eggs just like you like
them -- burnt on both sides.

I'm not hungry.

How long are you gonna stay in bed?

Forever.

Hey, listen, you didn't get
up for lunch yesterday.

You didn't get up for dinner.
And why?

Just because you saw with your own eyes

that sometimes technology helps.

Now, look, I made hot coffee,
strawberry jam, muffins,

brought you the newspaper
and a nice flower.

Okay, Mary Poppins, bring it over.

I'm not Mary Poppins.

I am Igor, your faithful servant.

And I know my master's not feeling well.

Oh, curse that gypsy with
his funny automobile

that did all those crazy things.

He has made my master
sad, and he shall pay.

-
- Yeah.

Well, you bring that tray over
here, or you'll pay for it.

Oh, good. Soon you'll be well
enough to beat me again.

To beat me.

I really do it better in Spanish.

How'd you like me to do it in Spanish?

How'd you like this tray on your head?

- Sorry, master.
- Okay, Igor,

back to the dungeon.

Oh, please, let me stay.

I love to sit and watch people eat.

Good. I'll get you a
season pass to a diner.

I made the muffins myself.

Yeah?

Who helped you lift
them out of the oven?

Oh, this is ridiculous.
I feel silly.

I haven't had breakfast in
bed since my honeymoon.

- You and Margaret, huh?
- Yeah. Me and Margaret.

Boy, I'll never forget it.

We were so young and so shy.

She spent the first two
days phoning her mother.

On the phone for two days?
Didn't that upset you?

No. She called collect.

Yeah, but what about the
nights, you son of a gun?

Oh, the nights. A lot of fun.

I won four bucks playing gin
rummy with the bellhop.

Hey, this coffee isn't bad.
What'd you do to it?

Nice try, kid, but it's no use.

It won't work. Here, hold this.

- What won't work?
-

Hey, you didn't even taste the muffins.

Oh, no, muffins aren't
important anymore.

Put it down.
I want to show you something.

Come on over here.

Here. You see that?

A gold-plated wrench.

Right. Read the inscription.

"To Ed Brown, master mechanic, 1935."

Yeah. My boss gave me that after
my first year on the job.

Well, you're still a master mechanic.

Oh, it's no use, kid.

Not after yesterday.

- I've lost my touch.
- You did not.

Oh, come on. Forget it, kid.
When it goes, it goes.

Same thing happened to Jack Dempsey,

Sandy Koufax, Eddie Arcaro.

But you're in your prime, Ed.
Look at the way you're built.

What are you talking about?
I'm a wreck.

Yeah, but you look great for a wreck.

Hey, and after you shave,
you'll look even better.

Oh, what have I got to shave for?

Are you kidding?
Every once in a while,

a good-looking old dame comes in here.

No use, kid.
I'm all washed up.

If you want to know the truth, I
can't handle 50% of the cars

that come in here, and I know it.

Well, then...

we'll just avoid that 50%.

You've got to get this
through your head.

I've lost the one thing that
made me a master mechanic.

With Jack Dempsey, it was his legs.

With Sandy Koufax, it was his arm.

With Eddie Arcaro, it was his weight.

And with me, it's my instinct.

And in my business, once
you lose your instinct,

you're finished.

Mmm. This muffin is delicious.

Is that all you can say?

Coffee isn't bad, either.

You're taking the end of
my career pretty lightly.

No, I'm not.

Well, you don't look very sad.

I am very sad, but I know you hate

to see a grown man cry.

I'm not asking you to cry!

But the least you could
do is, well, something.

Okay.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna eat the other muffin.

My heart is broken!

My whole career is
flashing before my eyes,

and you're eating my muffin!

What are you yelling at me for?

Well, the least you could
do is ask me not to quit!

Ed, not only did you lose your instinct.

I think you lost your hearing, as well.

I begged you not to quit.

You did?
Well, let's hear it again.

Okay, okay.

Please. I'm begging you.
Don't quit.

You call that begging?

That's not begging.

A man who begs, begs with feeling,

with sincerity, with
sensitivity, with emotion.

You could have said, "Ed,
you're a wonderful man

"with a tremendous talent.

Don't quit."

Or, "Ed, Ed,

"you're in the prime of your life.

"Don't allow yourself to be
defeated by one lousy car.

Please don't quit."

Or, "Ed, you're an
inspiration to all of us.

"I've got so much to learn from you.

"Ed, for the sake of the community,

please, please don't quit!"

There. That's begging.

Come on, Chico. You know I
hate to see a grown man cry.

I can't help it.

You were magnificent.

Not only are you a master mechanic.

You're a master beggar, too.

You convinced me.

Well, I didn't convince myself.

I quit.

[Mabel] Mail call!

Mail call!

- Oh, good morning, Chico.
- Good morning.

Oh, I see you're taking grouchy
lessons from your boss.

I'm not grouchy. I'm angry.

Oh, he gives angry lessons, too.

- Where is he?
- He's upstairs retiring!

Hey, Chico.
Chico, I'm over here.

What do you mean, he's retiring?
What's he doing up there?

He's playing checkers with
Dempsey, Arcaro, and Koufax!

Oh, not Sandy Koufax?

And I hope you lose!

Hey, are they playing for money?

Do you know what it means
to care for somebody?

Oh, Chico.

Thanks.

But I'm really not right for you.

I cheat.

Mabel, you're not listening to me.

You know he shouldn't retire.

Right, right.

Oh, boy.
Instead of a mail person,

I should have been a psychiatrist.

Perfect, Mabel.

That was a short retirement, man.

I was just telling Mabel

how you were putting
me on about retiring.

You were putting me on, weren't you?

Uh, we took in $6 already.

Now I know you're not retiring.

That's the "Eddie Brown, master
mechanic, 1974," we all miss.

I'll take care of that.
Stay where you are.

Yes, sir.
What can I do for you?

Yes. My temperature's off.

My wife said it was either my
fan belt or my water hose.

Let's see if your wife's right.

She usually is.

Uh-oh.
This could be a toughie.

Ed, would you do me a favor
and take a look at this?

Got a busted fan belt.

Hey, you're right.
Is that a great mechanic?

Notice how he spotted it right away.

Yeah, but will he fix it right away?

How about, Ed? Will you?

- No,
- But I can't fix it.

I'm no good with fan belts.

- You'll learn.
- With your help.

- No way.
- Come on, Ed.

One more fan belt for the Gipper.

Never mind.
My wife will fix it for me.

Where you going?

Ed, I'm too young to run this
vast enterprise by myself.

You stay in the garage
business long enough,

you'll get old fast enough.

Okay. If that's the way you're gonna be,

how much do you want for the garage?

Whatever it's worth.

I got that on me.

Please!

That car destroyed me!
Get it out of here!

You? Destroyed you?!

I've had this car to nine
authorized mechanics!

If you can't fix it, I
have to ship it back

to Germany to be repaired!

He can fix it.
He's been a master mechanic

since 1935, and he's got
a wrench to prove it.

Get this car out of here!

Come on. Be like Jack Dempsey.
Get up off the canvas, Ed.

What do you know about Jack Dempsey?

You want me to get down on one knee?

- Two knees?!
- I'll get down with him!

Now, let's see.
First I went like this.

Then I went like this.

Then I went like this.

Just watch those magic fingers.

The horn stopped.

I got it.

Now I went like this.

The radio's fixed.

Then I went like this.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

It's gonna be three out of three.

There. Put these in your pocket
and keep them till it rains.

[Chico] Monsieur? Monsieur?

Yeah? What is it?

Your table is ready.

Ohh. I don't think my stomach is ready.

Chez Chico is proud of its menu.

The chef has spent three hours
preparing an hors d'oeuvres,

the specialty of the house.

What's the specialty of the house?

- Muffins.
- Oh.

And the wine is compliments

of the man with the windshield wipers.

Hey, what's this all about?

It's your 20th-century coming out party.

And now, before I serve the main course,

a little song for the guest of honor.

♪ There once was a mechanic
named Ed Brown ♪

♪ He was the greatest mechanic
in this whole darn town ♪

♪ And sometimes he is up
and sometimes he is down ♪

♪ And when he's down,
he was no man to be around ♪

♪ Then into the corral
come a man named Chico ♪

♪ Tall and good-looking,
not your average freak-o ♪

♪ He could tune a car
and fix a tire ♪

♪ And for the old man, he'd go
through the muck and the mire ♪

"Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time
in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving
for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for
something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪