All language subtitles for S05E01 Welcome Back, Campers!.english [cc]

(calm upbeat music)

(eagle screeches)

- Oh, can you believe it?

We are back for a whole new summer.

- Yep, it's really, truly horrifying.

- Oh, Max, you must be a little excited

to see the other campers.

- You know what? I am.

(David gasps)

This camp sucks, but you
know what else sucks?

Life out there.

Family, school, a crumbling society?

These assholes are way more fun.

- I'll take it.

- Though, I guess Gwen is gone,

and Campbell won't be around to involve us

in his illegal schemes, but
overall it'll be the same.

- Yep, exactly the same.

- Ha-ha, CJ, I couldn't help but notice

you made some modifications
to your counselor uniform.

Well, you know what they say?

The lower the V, the higher the SPF.

It gets hotter every year
thanks to climate change.

- Oh, I don't touch that stuff.

- Oh, I don't touch that stuff.

- Sun-screen?

- Climate change or
sunscreen, full of chemicals.

Here, take these supplements.

It'll make your skin
wet, which the sun hates.

It also skyrockets your libido

and, um, stimulates hair growth.

(David gasps)

- This dynamic will be fun to exploit.

(bus honking)

(gravel rustling)
(bus whirring)

(suspenseful music)

- One giant leap for me!

- Welcome back to camp, Space Kid.

- A new alien life form, far out.

- Nurf.

- Thank you for welcoming
me into this safe space.

- Huh?

- Oh, I just love what you've
done with your hair, Ered.

- Gotta grow up at some point.

- Oh-ho, Nerris!

Our wizard doth return.

- Actually, I re-rolled my class.

- Oh, well, I still
support you no matter what.

Harrison, our other favorite magician.

Harrison, our other favorite magician.

Oh-ho, I've actually been practicing.

- I don't really do street magic anymore.

It's kinda tacky.

- If it isn't our resident
Thespian, Preston!

(CJ groans)
(Preston sniffs)

- Ugh.

(steps tapping)

- Max! (chuckles)

(Nikki laughs)

- Oh, for a second I was worried

you guys wouldn't be the same.

- Yeah, not me.

Ha! Still into the ush.

Rocks, dirt, that kind of stuff.

- Same.
- Little critters, bones.

- Same.
- Little critters, bones.

- Mm.

Same here.

Although this studly scientist did decide

to spice things up a bit-ah.

(bell rings)

- What kinda bones?
- Dolph!

- Oh.

I'm quite surprised you recognized me,

now that puberty has
ravaged my once-tiny body.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Ah, yes.

It must be so hard to understand me

on account of my deeper, booming voice!

(Dolph humming melodically)
- Weird.

(Dolph humming melodically)
- Weird.

- Oh no.

How long has this been inside me?

♪ Oh ♪

♪ There's a place I know
that's tucked away ♪

♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪

♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪

♪ And have adventures every day ♪

♪ I know it sounds hard to believe ♪

♪ But guys and gals, it's true ♪

♪ Camp Campbell is a
place for me and you ♪

♪ We'll swim through
lakes and climb up trees ♪

♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪

♪ There's endless possibilities ♪

♪ And no, that's not hyperbole ♪

♪ Our motto's "Campe Diem," and
that means I'm telling you ♪

♪ We've got archery, hiking,
search & rescue, biking ♪

♪ We've got archery, hiking,
search & rescue, biking ♪

♪ Horseback, training that'll
save you a heart attack ♪

♪ Scuba diving, miming,
keeping up with rhyming ♪

♪ Football, limbo, science,
stunting, pre-calc ♪

♪ Spaceships, treasure hunting,
bomb defusal, no refusal ♪

♪ Fantasy, circus trapeze ♪

♪ And fights, and ghosts,
and paints, and snakes ♪

♪ And knives, and chess,
and dance, and weights ♪

♪ It's Camp Camp ♪

(guitar strums)

- Oh-ho-ho-all righty, campers,

it's time to share the
most important thing

that happened to you since last summer.

Plus you can introduce yourselves

to our new camp counselor, CJ.

- Ugh, couldn't he just look at our names

from when we registered?

- Right, uh, he doesn't really do-

- Right, uh, he doesn't really do-

- Yeah, I don't really do lists.

I'd rather hear about
everybody in their own words.

I also deeply oppose
collecting information

about private citizens.

And vaccines.

Word to the herd, baby.

- Need I remind you that
I'm here for science camp?

- Oh, so you get it.
- How about

you start first, CJ? (chuckles nervously)

- Sure, right on.

CJ, free thinker.

AMYMMA fighter.

And look, I know you all probably bonded

And look, I know you all probably bonded

with your old counselor, Gwen.

- Nah.
- And it'll take a while

for me to love this place like she did.

- That was still a work in progress.

- But I promise to always
give you a heads up

when I am going to exploit
you for monetary profit.

- His candor is refreshing.

- Now let's get reacquainted.

- I'm the Quartermaster.

I am the camp's sacred guardian.

One of you will not be
here by some resent.

(thunder roars)

- (chuckles) That's the
spirit, Quartermaster.

- (chuckles) That's the
spirit, Quartermaster.

But we are just introducing ourselves,

not playing two truths and a lie.

- Two truths and a what now?
- Maybe let's move

to the campers.

- Thanks to mine puberty, mine
art has gotten much more...

Hmm, mature.

The pixels took the most time.

- After all three of my
therapy sessions this year,

I've discovered

how to leverage people's
emotional weaknesses against them,

instead of just their physical ones.

(drum roll)

(wind puffs)
(whimsical music)

- I was formally just an illusionist,

but now I am also into social engineering

but now I am also into social engineering

and conceptual magic.

- Ah, what does that even mean?

- Abracadabra, asshole.

(Max and Neil scream)

(all scream)

- So, in conclusion, my
new ranger skills allow me

to survive better in the wilderness,

while working towards my multi-class.

- Multi-class?
- I'll have

to look that up later.

- Is that, like, their word?

- Oh...

- After being cast in a local commercial,

my life is truly different.

Thanks to the residuals,

I've been able to afford an...

An...

An...

Line!

- An assistant, sir.

- You are not paid to speak!

(wind whooshes)

- I'm here because my dads
asked me to babysit my cousin,

and I, like, kind of totally,

accidentally burned the house down.

So I guess I need, like, life skills.

So, whatever, camp helps with that.

(Max grunts angrily)

- (chuckles) Hi, I'm Nikki.

And, um, at first I
thought I hadn't changed,

but that's not true,

but that's not true,

because I remembered some of
my hair got burned on accident.

So now one side is shorter than the other.

But even though I'm different,

that doesn't mean Max should be mad at me!

(suspenseful stab rings)

- Um, are you okay, Nikki?
- I'm totally fine!

(Nikki laughs nervously)

That's what people who are fine

say about how they are, right?

Which is fine.

- Bro, she sounds fine.

- I'm Neil, and I'm not
ashamed to show off my new-

- Why is everybody being so weird?

You are all acting like
the most important thing

about last year is how different you are.

about last year is how different you are.

- That's right, little
dude, question everything.

It's everyone else that's weird.

- (clears throat) Well, Max,

I'm sure you could think of something

that's different about yourself.

- You know what?

This is all just bullshit anyway.

I'm Max, and my fun fact

is that I'm totally the same as last year.

Crazy, I know.

- Hold on.

Nobody told me we was doing fun facts.

It was the summer of 1812.

It was the summer of 1812.

- Oh no-
- Oh, that's great.

- my cousin's fine.
- You should have invited me

and I would've had fun there.

- [Quartermaster] We can
reset the timeline, boy.

- Ah!

- Reset, reset.

Timeline, timeline, timeline.

- Go away.

God, you did the same shit
every night last year too.

- [Quartermaster] Oh,
just feeling nostalgic.

(metal rings)
(intriguing music)

(bright music)

(campers chattering indistinctly)

- Guys, I've got it.

- Guys, I've got it.

- The stomach bug, already?

Man, I wanted it first.

- No, I meant I finally figured
out what I've been missing.

- It's about time.

You know, getting your ears pierced-

- Shut up, Neil.

- Max, you hated camp last summer.

Why do you want it to go
back to the way it was?

- It sucked, but it was
at least predictable,

and I wanted to see the
people I knew back then.

Not some weirdos
pretending to be different.

- So, what exactly are you proposing?

- We are gonna ruin everything about today

- We are gonna ruin everything about today

and remind these losers
who they actually are.

(eerie music builds up)

(trumpet blasts)
- Can we, uh, not do that?

- Oh, so you guys too, huh?

Guess I am the only
one who hasn't changed.

Fine.

- Okay, campers, for your first activity,

let's change things up a bit.

- What a wonderful idea.

Maybe we could try a new
wood to use for whittling.

Cedar! No.

Poplar! No.

Poplar! No.

Mahogany.

- All right, weirdo.

Things are too easy these days.

Kids aren't learning
what it's like to hustle,

to grind, to be hungry.

So from now on, if you want dinner,

you're gonna have to earn it.

And if every single one
of you doesn't finish,

then nobody eats.

Plus, sweating is a great way
to rid your body of toxins,

like fluoride or vitamins.

- Hang on, maybe this is good for us.

- Hang on, maybe this is good for us.

If the real world is actually filled

with obstacles like this-

- [Max] It's not.

- Then maybe it'd be cool
to get some experience.

- You know, exercise
is supposed to be great

for mental health.

- Oh, my dexterity bonus is
really gonna come in handy.

- Primal!

- All right, so how are
we getting out of this?

- (laughs) You had me at "Sweat."

- How are we getting out of this?

- I bet I could use Nurf

as the counterweight of a pulley system.

Oh, should I be safe and take this off?

Oh, should I be safe and take this off?

Nope, you're right.

They might take photos.

(Max growls)

- These angles are so dynamic!

- (huffs) My newly-developed
muscles have no issue.

- (laughs) Gs!

- Come on, Max!

- Follow the glint of my piercing!

- Hurry your ass up or I'll...

(sighs) Pretend like nothing's wrong

while building quiet resentment.

- That's it!

I'm so sick of all this talk about change!

I'm so sick of all this talk about change!

Just because you all
think you grew and changed

doesn't mean you actually did.

What are you so desperate to prove anyway?

You're just as lame as before,

which is why you didn't
have any friends back home

to begin with.

- Hmm, classic projection much?

(poignant guitar music)

- Max. (sighs)
(poignant guitar music)

- Oh God.

- Oh God.

I don't want whatever supplements

you're gonna try to push on
me for my mood, or whatever.

(pills rustle)

And definitely don't try to
hit me with a heart-to-heart.

- (laughs) You really
beefed that, huh, kiddo?

- Wow, okay.

- Well, that was your goal, right?

Mess everything up for everybody

so that things just go back to normal.

- You might be more perceptive

than I gave you credit for.

- Oh, it's these CBD
lizard sweat eyedrops.

(bubble pops)
(smoke crackles)

(bubble pops)
(smoke crackles)

(huffs) Anyway, I tried
the same thing once,

back when I sold my first tech startup.

Yeah, these Silly V
douche bags came and said

that they would keep things the same,

but they ended up changing everything

as soon as they got there.

So eventually I decided, you know,

if I could ruin the company
they bought, they'd leave,

and things would go back to
the way I wanted them to be.

- Did it work?

- Nah, they loved it.

At the end of the day, I ended
up really rich, and young,

and without the company
I stole from my father.

and without the company
I stole from my father.

- Sounds terrible?

- Thanks, bud.

But you know what I did?

I took that money and
bought a gigantic interest

in the crooked camp that
he started and lost.

- Wait, CJ stands for Cameron Jr?

You're Campbell's son?

I don't know why I'm surprised.

Seems obvious in hindsight.

So now you're the douche bag coming in

to change what he built.

- Huh, you are more perceptive
than I gave you credit for.

- Huh, you are more perceptive
than I gave you credit for.

You can fight change, or you
can see it as an opportunity.

Maybe you can find all new
reasons to hate this place,

but all new reasons to love it too.

- That might be the only rational
thing you've said so far.

(steps tap)

(slide whistle squeaks)

(wind whooshes)
- Nice job, CJ.

- Thank God.

I honestly have no idea what I just said.

These lizard sweat drops are no joke.

- Oh, that's great.

- Oh, that's great.

- Max.

- I don't even know if I've
changed since last year,

and that doesn't have to
actually mean anything.

I was scared that if you
all changed and I hadn't,

that meant something was broken about me.

That maybe that meant
there wasn't actually

a place for me here.

And that would've been
a really huge let down.

I'm sorry about what I said,
and I'm sorry about dinner.

I'm sorry about what I said,
and I'm sorry about dinner.

(guitar strums)

- Your apologies won't feed us.

- Yeah, about that.
(inspiring music)

(Max grunting and puffing)

A-ha.
(inspiring music fades)

(wind whooshes)
(dirt thuds)

(chimes ringing magically)

(David giggles with excitement)

What?

I started gymnastics.

Big deal.

- Oh, Max.

You know, this reminds
me of a time when we-

- Okay, fine.

- Okay, fine.

It's a clip on, okay?

Are you all happy now?

(Neil sobbing)

- I guess things aren't
that different after all.

(Neil sobbing)

- Guess who's back, you little shits.

♪ Summer after summer I don't change ♪

♪ The only thing that's different
is the number on my age ♪

♪ I told my boss inflation
going up, I need a raise ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't play no games ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't play no games ♪

♪ Gotta grow my pocket change, yeah ♪

♪ Back in summer camp I
used to smuggle in my Sega ♪

- Sega.
♪ Had that shit ♪

♪ Tucked underneath my
coat like a Beretta ♪

♪ I promise that ♪

- Okay, people, shit just got real.

(Nikki panting excitedly)

- [David] Oh, nothing
to worry about, Gwen.

The children have access to explosives.

- Science sometimes requires sacrifice.

(dramatic adventurous music)

(slide flute whooshes)
(wind whooshes)