All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine - Season 23 Episode 3

I wish somebody would find the
wife's sister attractive and set up
home with her in a far distant land.

Liverpool? Farther than that.

Very close, are they,
your wife and her sister?
It's not only a blood relationship.

They're joined even closer
by a common bond.

Suspicion of me. I see.

The blood in the relationship
is usually yours. Attractive,
is she, your wife's sister?

Well, the wife's more appealing.

And that's not something I can often
brag about. I had one of those.

What are you looking for?
I think I'm being followed.

By your wife and her sister?
No, they're happy at home
sticking pins into models of me.

What have you been up to?
Me? Nothing.

Don't lie to me, lad.
Why do you think I'm lying?

I don't think you're lying.
It's just something we get used
to saying in the police force.

Now, what have you been lying about?

Good morning, Howard.
I'm glad you think so.

You could easily be mistaken
for somebody looking miserable
this morning, Howard.

Cleggy, do you think
love should be difficult?

Hah! Well, I always found it so.

I never knew what to wear.
I consulted a text book,

but there was no guidance on whether
vests should be worn on honeymoon.

I'm depressed.
We have to admire the way
you're bravely trying to hide it.

I think Pearl's stopped loving me.

Are we talking about Pearl
next door? Your wife, for example?

Of course that's who
we're talking about.

Has she said something?
She doesn't have to say anything.
I'm picking up signals.

I've had to clean my own shoes
all week.

And then this morning at breakfast
she gave me only ONE fried tomato.

She might as well have thrust
a dagger through me.

You mean, the bacon was there?

The fried potatoes were there? The
beans were there, the egg was there?

It was just the one fried tomato?

I've always had TWO fried tomatoes.

You're not telling me
that she's not telling me something.

She's been telling you something
for 40 years. I hear it through
the walls. That's just being married.

This is serious.

It's not just the missing tomato.

There's...the OTHER thing.

I can tell you in confidence,
Cleggy.

She always used to warm my pyjamas.

Every night in the airing cupboard.
Stop right there, Howard.
I don't want any more details.

I think she's gone off me.
Have you asked her?

You can't ask people
personal questions.

Not when you're married.

I can't suddenly start asking her
if she still loves me.

She'd think I was up to something.
And that's another thing.

I'm not sure that...(Marina)

is always faithful to me.

I think, if some millionaire
came along with a flash car,
she'd be off.

You're right to be depressed, Howard.

You're right, yes.
Wife AND girlfriend giving trouble.
Mm, mm, mm!

Get a budgie, Howard.

Get something
you can lavish your affection on
and still get your pyjamas warmed.

A budgie?!

Oh, Barry, you've got
that faraway look in your eye.
I know what dreamers you men are.

Tell me you're not going
to sail across the Atlantic
in an open boat or something.

I'm not.
My blazer's at the cleaners.

And, anyway, I get seasick.

Promise me
you'll always get seasick.

I can't be doing
with anything that shakes you about.
Your mother's driving, for instance.

Stay at home with me, Barry.
You'll be safe on stormy nights.

I will stay at home with you. I've
got no intention of going anywhere.

Then, what were you thinking about -
with that "thirsting for new
experience" look in your eyes?

The firm's dance.
I've decided, Glenda.

This year I'm going...black tie.

Oh, Barry! I'll have to buy
a long dress. Get one.
This year, we're going in style.

If you see a small, dark cloud,

it's probably Howard.
Howard is depressed.

He gets himself into situations
where he deserves to be depressed.
Why is he depressed?

He thinks Pearl doesn't
love him any more.
Sounds reasonable.

What's he keep stopping for?
He thinks he's being followed.

It's not the Queen's enemies
or the Sheriff of Nottingham(?)
This is real.

What have you been up to, Billy?
First thing I enquired.

Just because you think you're being
followed, everybody thinks
you're up to something.

He IS being followed.

This nose didn't descend from Robin
Hood for nothing. You don't think
it is the Sheriff of Nottingham?

Do you know this fellow
who's following?
It's Mervyn. He's harmless.

He's a big fan.
Well, give us a hint.
Who's he a fan of?

Me. On account of me being
a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
What does he want?

He just wants to be close to me.
What kind of rubbish
have you been filling his head with?

I can't remember exactly. You know
how it is when you've had a few.
Oh! REAL rubbish.

Like a challenge, do we?

We'll sell anything with big
commission. Getting a big commission
here IS a challenge!

Now, it has to be understood,
if you don't sell them I want them
back in identical good condition.

My transport manager here
accepts full responsibility
for goods placed under our care.

How come it's MY responsibility?
Because you're ready for it.

I'm training you for when we move up
into executive circles. I bet
I'm still pushing the handcart.

Now, you have to understand
some of these items
are of great sentimental value.

You needn't look like that.
It's true.

When they've been unsold for so
long, I worry about them at nights.

They're in safe hands.
He's never lost a thing.

His wife left him.
Ah, yes. Well, I am training him
how to handle the ladies better too.

My word, you do like a challenge.
Are you having any luck?

He's coming on. Next thing you know,
he'll be a right old smoothie.
..Give her the demonstration.

What, now?

Go on! Sweep her off her feet.

Enchanted to make your acquaintance.

LOUD SQUEAKING

That reminds me. I must get
a new plunger for my bathroom sink.

Have you been invaded zoologically?
What are you fidgeting for?

This ground's harder
than it usually is.

Do you think Yorkshire's harder
on Tuesday? Well, THIS bit is.

Actually, it's not so much
the ground, it's him.

He's harmless.
Are you sure?

As far as I can remember. I mean,
look at him. He looks harmless.

They said that
about the Fulham Flogger.

Well, why is he staring at us
like some person who is
carrying a concealed hatchet?

He's not
your hatchet sort of person.
He's a fan of mine, I told you.

Gives you some indication
of his state of mind.

Where did you meet Mervyn
and his hatchet? We were in the pub.
You know how it is, you get talking.

We know how YOU get talking. What did
you tell him? Well, I may have got
carried away a bit. I'd had a few.

Oh, that's a surprise(!) I suppose
I might have exaggerated a bit.

It has been known. Exaggerated what?

Things. Tha' knows.

About our gang. Our gang?!

Robin Hood's gang. The Merry Men.

Go on. Well...

it's possible I left him
with the impression that we are
the last survivors of The Merry Men.

We? When you say "we"...?

Well, I didn't overdo it. I told
him there's only the three of us.

How do, Barry?

Buying a new suit? Well, not exactly
a suit, Mr Hardcastle. Just
something for a special occasion.

I never had a special occasion.

You got married, didn't you?
Oh, was that it?
What special occasion, Barry?

Not that we intend to be nosey.

The firm's annual dance.
That's all.

Oh, I expect they have
one every year.

Yes, they do.
Normally, I just go in a suit.

Actually, it's a dress suit. Well,
dinner jacket. I thought, "Go on,
your granny would have been proud."

Does Glenda know?
Yes. I thought she'd be
one of the few to know.

I didn't realise it would
attract all this attention.

Your secret is safe with us, Barry.

Tha' can rely on the integrity
of the last three survivors...

Why is that person watching?

Probably heard
about the dinner jacket.

It's time we had a talk.
About what? About us.

Us us? You and me?

Well, yes,
that's a fair description of us.

Well, go on, then, talk.

I can't wait. Well, it's not easy
out here in the street.

I wanted to talk to you at home.
But you insisted on going shopping.

I have to go shopping. I've no sooner
got stuff in the house than you've
eaten it. It's like keeping a pony.

Well, that's where we are, you see.
You prefer going shopping
to talking seriously to me.

I don't hear you talking seriously.
I just hear excuses.

Who can talk seriously to you?
Well, when did you last try?

I think it were
day two of our honeymoon.

Look, stop walking and look at me.

Is that your best offer?
There you go, you see.

You don't look at me
as if I make your heart beat faster.

I think the magic's gone.

What's brought this on?

I've got the message.

One fried tomato this morning.

Why do you think I'm going shopping?!

Oh...OK. OK.

Why have you stopped
warming my jammies?

Because it's midsummer, you lunatic!

Ours feels like it's the only bed
with a fitted back boiler.

She thinks I give off too much heat!

I'd say that means
I'm coming across pretty good
after all those married years.

OK! How about this...babe?

We do a quick shop...

and then we go home and fool around.

All right...

you win.

I'll warm your pyjamas.

Who is he?
You've heard of these groupies.
Well, he's a fan of Billy's.

Huh! Takes one to know one.

He's got a hatchet.
He hasn't got a hatchet.

How many places
could HE conceal a hatchet?

Well, there goes any lingering
desire for a sticky bun.

Why is he a fan of Billy's, anyway?
He's a barmpot.

Billy's been bragging again.
I suppose I might have
gilded the lily a bit.

Hey, you can't bring that lot
in here! We can't leave 'em
on the handcart. They'll get nicked.

Big demand for cuckoo clocks
and musical boxes, is there?
We'll create one.

Guess who the cuckoo is
who's pushing the cart!

Stop complaining. I want to hear
more "sophisticated smoothy".

Cary Grant is alive and well
and pushing a handcart(!)

He's getting great at kissing hands.

Only the ladies. NOT in here!

Who's that fella peering in?

He's a fan of Billy's.
Sounds promising.

If he's that impressionable,
he'll probably buy a clock.

Here, get your cups of tea and be
gone. And take that lot with you.
They'll not be any trouble.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Come on, Mervyn!
And bring your hatchet.

I-I-I'm sorry.
I never thought to bring a hatchet.

It's very kind of you, Auntie Roz.
It's a beautiful dress.

Well, you might as well get
a bit of wear out of them.
You've had your wear all right.

I can't wait to see my Barry
in a dinner jacket.
Oh, I'm sure he'll look very smart.

Where's he getting a dinner jacket
from? He's bought one.

Why did he want to throw his money
away like that? He could have
borrowed your father's.

Wesley? In advanced tailoring?!
It was a special social occasion.
When?

When he was chairman
of his motoring club. He's
not always been scruffy, you know.

He's nearly always been scruffy.
It must have been more traumatic
for him than an organ transplant.

It's true. It's a wonder
his immune system didn't reject it.

Mr Hardcastle made it sound
so interesting.

When Mr Hardcastle's had a few, he
always makes it sound interesting.

Would that be
a still-standing-few Billy
or the collapsible legs version?

Just the nominal amount appropriate
to a gentleman. As much as that(?)
He said it were all very secret

and that you had to pretend
the organisation didn't exist.

Well, nobody's ever heard of it,
have they? We did a good job there.

Did he tell you what else we get up
to in this...secret world of ours?
Oh, yes. Just hints, of course.

But I got the impression
you were always practising
your skills with swords and bows,

and constantly laughing at danger.

Of course, I understand that you
have to keep it all very hush-hush.

We could do with a bit more hush
round here. Well, he clearly made
a big impression on you, Mervyn.

Any signed photographs?
Give us a break!

Incidentally, Mr Hardcastle,
the vicar jumped at your kind offer.

Offer?

To give a demonstration
at t'garden party. Garden party?

I thought it were very generous
of him. And so did t'vicar.

And so do we, Billy.
Can't tell you
how much we're looking forward to it.

Wonderful to let people see
Mr Hardcastle's skill
with t'bow and arrow.

Not only on foot, but whilst moving
at the speed of a galloping horse.

Hooray!

Tha's never going to belong, Mervyn,
if all tha's going to do is blab.

This lad's really pushing at
the boundaries of natty gents wear.

Buying more gear, Barry?
I'm taking it back.
I've got to wear her father's.

Wesley's got a dinner jacket?!
He's only worn it once.

Just like his overalls. He wears
them once - till they fall apart.
It's in perfect condition.

Wesley in a dinner suit.
Even once! Hah! Did he wear it
on top of or under his overalls?

Well, of course the magic's gone.

When was the last time
you bought her anything?

If you want advice on romantic,
ask him. Him?!

He's in the middle
of an intensive course.
You should kiss her hand.

That was Plan A. Plan B is
he should buy her something.

Have we done Plan B?

MUSICAL BOX TINKLES "Ballerina"

It's like liquid honey to the ears.

And just think, Howard, every time
she listens to it, who's she going
to be thinking of? Mister Wonderful.

I'll do it.

You'll never regret it.
Now, one for Marina.

For Marina?

If she hears that you've been buying
things for Pearl, you're going to
start leaking magic there as well.

How's she going to hear?
It's Smiler. Lovely bloke,
but such a blabbermouth.

I can't be seen carrying two.

You take this fine example
of Swiss craftsmanship for Marina.

We'll give you time to get home,

then we'll deliver
the musical box for Pearl.
Great. All part of the service.

I still can't remember doing Plan B.
Don't worry about it.

About time. What kept you?

How did you get it in here?

Because people
are always leaving gates open.
It saw this one open and in it went.

Well, I've had some funny experiences
in motor vehicles,
but not one like that.

When she says come for a spin,
she really means a spin.

I kept thinking,
"If we're going to die, I'm glad
Barry took that dinner suit back."

Me, I was wondering
who's going to warm Howard's pyjamas.

Are you going to get us out, or are
you just going to stand there? Leave
the car like that. You're safer.

At least not much else can happen.

It's an arrow. Whose arrow?

Oh, I hope it's not Cupid's.
At my time of life, you can't be
doing with all that lot again.

Did anybody see where that went?

You've given me a puncture,
you big, long dollop!

If you don't mind me saying, missus,
it's a funny place to park a car.

Excuse him. He's practising
for his exhibition. Well, he's built
for making an exhibition of himself.

There seems to be
a note of criticism here.
I've noticed that.

I wish to make it clear
that HE is a barmpot, and we are
just...lending our support.

Hey up.
A Land Rover. That's what I need.

Shooting from a moving vehicle
at the speed of a galloping horse.
Nobody said there had to be a horse.

What you'll do first
is mend my puncture.

Do you think
he's any good at punctures?

Makes them quite nicely.

Mervyn would have been proud.
Mm.

Oh, Howard, it's lovely.

Ssh! I thought I heard
a vehicle coming. Way out here?

Listen.

It IS. It's TWO vehicles. They'll
never see us if we keep quiet.

Cuckoo!

Cuckoo!

Cuckoo!

Now, this demonstration represents
the firing of a bow while in motion.

Of course, in Robin Hood's day
he'd have been on a horse.

Did anybody hear a cuckoo back there?
I can hear the cuckoo here.

Are you familiar with the longbow,
ladies? Well, there's no knowing
what SOME are familiar with.

It didn't extend
to medieval weaponry.

Oh, I don't know, though.

She'll penetrate your
fully-armoured knight, will this.
It'll be very useful round here.

I'm sure it were a cuckoo.

I hope we're not long.
I've got to fit my Barry
into Father's dinner suit.

Are you sure about this, Billy?
A moving vehicle?

No problem. If they can do it from
horseback, I can do it from here.

This'll teach you to go shooting your
mouth off in pubs. I didn't know
he was going to tell his vicar.

Should a vicar listen
to stories from a pub?

Shouldn't he have the sense
to know they probably came
from some tiddly crackpot? Exactly.

Not only a crackpot,
but gobby with it. Are we ready?

We're ready. We're ready!

Ready when you are.

Then let's be off.
I'll show 'em a thing or two.

There's something almost noble
about a dipstick of such proportions.

You have to admire the lack of fear
and other signs of intelligence.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
I told you.

Help!

What did I get? You got a cuckoo.

Mervyn would be proud!

Oh, dear.
This is Howard's for Pearl.

I'm terribly sorry. It's Wesley's
dinner suit. Talk about mothballs!
I can hardly breathe in there.

What are we going to do
about Pearl's musical box?

We'll have to get it mended.
It's bought and paid for.

Oh!

What a shot!

Oh!

Help!

Oh, it smells terrible.

I can cover it with some perfume.

Oh, nice(!)
Can I borrow your
earrings as well?

It sounds like honey for the ears.

And every time you hear it,
you'll be reminded of me.

TINKLING RUMBLE AND BELCH

We'll cancel with the vicar.
We'll tell him
you've been called away.

By voices...little whispering voices
from the Green Wood.

Subtitles Red Bee Media Ltd