Original subtitles

[crickets chirping]

[dog barking in distance]

[inhales deeply]

[groans] God.

Oh, Jesus. [inhales deeply]

Oh. [panting, grunting]

[exhales deeply] Okay.

- [groans] - [shoes squeaking]

[panting] Shit.

[breathes heavily] Fuck.

[grunting, breathes heavily]

[grunting, panting]

[panting, muttering] Okay.

[sighs] Okay.

[groans]

[grunting]

Fuck. Fuck.

[exclaiming]

I know what you're thinking: the pool is a metaphor.

But it was also very fucking real and very fucking cold.

I wasn't generally the kind of guy who did a lot of introspection.

Of course, until very recently,

I wasn't the kind of guy who woke up on the floor

of someone else's house covered in a dead guy's blood

before falling into the pool, but here we are.

And at that moment,

I couldn't help but catch a fleeting glimpse,

out of the corner of my eye,

of the swirling hot mess of my life,

and wonder how the hell everything could go so wrong so fast.

This is what happens...

[bar patrons chattering]

Lloyd, come on.

- Let's do shots. Shots. - [patron] Another round?

Yeah, bartender. Um...

- What... What shots do you want? - [patron] Let's do rum.

What is she drinking? Let's have some of that. That looks nice.

You look nice. Can I get you something?

[patron 2] Big promotion, boy!

Big fucking promotion. How much did you make?

How much did you make?

[footsteps approaching]

[patrons chattering]

Macallan 25. Bartender tipped me off.

That's an expensive drink. I hope I'm worth it.

- Don't worry. You're buying. - [chuckles]

Liv Cross.

- Andrew Cooper. - I know.

I work in Mike Shepherd's group.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you.

It's fine. Mike doesn't let us go above the seventh floor very often.

The Patrick Bateman fanboys over there...

- [laughs] - ...were getting a little wild.

I thought it might be better if I looked occupied.

Happy to help.

For a minute there it looked like you were going to come over to me,

but I got impatient.

Yeah, well, I'm, uh, recently single for the first time in quite a while,

so I'm afraid I don't have much game.

Saying you have no game, that's your game.

- It's pretty weak. See what I mean? - [chuckles] You were married?

Yeah, 18 years.

- That would make you... - Far too old for you.

- I don't really see age that way. - [chuckles]

- That's because you're, what, 27? - Twenty-eight.

- And that's your game. - Maybe.

Or maybe you've been wrapped up in the conventions of marriage

- and children... - Two.

...for so long, living amongst other married people with children,

that you haven't considered that there may be an entire segment of the population

who make different choices and have different goals.

So what are your goals?

Uh, lasting love,

hot, healthy sex,

financial comfort,

peace of mind, harmony.

- I think those are everybody's goals. - And how many of them have you achieved?

I'm just saying, maybe you should rethink the rules a little bit.

I could be your father.

I have one already. Milt.

Good guy, and quite a bit older than you.

- Strangely, that feels like a win. - Then you need to get out more.

I'm out right now.

No, you're not. Not really. Not yet.

[chuckles] I'm sorry, do you talk to everybody like this?

- You didn't ask me if I've been married. - Have you been married?

Yes. Two years.

- Well, you were too young. - I was.

Also, it turned out he liked fat hookers.

Different strokes.

The irony is, I was morbidly obese as a teenager,

but that was long before he met me.

Still, after I happened upon his browsing history,

I did wonder if he'd somehow sensed the fat girl in me when we met,

and that's what drew him to me.

[chuckles] Trust me, that's not what drew him to you.

There's that game of yours.

[chuckling] Oh.

Look,

I get that, by and large, guys your age are idiots.

Whatever that is over there,

the... swinging their whiskey dicks around.

[inhales deeply]

Narcissistic man-boys far out of their depth with you,

in conversation and in bed.

So, by comparison, a man my age looks like the perfect antidote, right?

I'm thoughtful. I'm wise. I'm more of a man,

- whatever that means these days. - [laughs]

- But you're 27? - Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight, so you're 20 years younger than me.

And at this moment in time, it works, right?

I have money, you have freedom,

we could travel the world together, we could learn things from each other.

- In conversation and in bed. - [chuckles] Yeah. Right.

You'll find me very interesting

'cause I have two decades more worth of stories than you,

and I find you very interesting 'cause you live your life in the moment

with the kind of reckless immediacy that I lost a billion years ago.

So we'll have no trouble keeping each other entertained.

And that'll work for a while, right?

Then skip ahead ten years, you'll be 38. I'll be 58.

That's when things can start to get a little shaky.

You might want kids, I already have them.

You might start thinking, "Oh, have I missed out

on one of life's great experiences?"

- And you'll still be stunning... - You think I'm stunning?

I'll be aging.

Well, I can tell you're gonna age very well.

You can tell that because it's already started to happen.

The point is that we'll have less sex and more wine,

and maybe that'll still work for a time.

Has anyone ever told you that you talk a lot?

Well, I misplaced my inner monologue and my wife right around the same time.

Anyway, let's skip ahead another ten years.

- [sighs] Must we? - I'll be 68 years old.

No matter how well I take care of myself,

my prostate's gonna do what it does and so will my hair,

and you'll start spending your days

thinking about what your life looks like after I kick it.

Meanwhile, every time you leave the house

I'll wonder what young stud you'll be fucking.

Really? [stammers] Are you that insecure?

Well, not yet, but I will be.

- Yeah, what about character? - Yours or mine?

- You're so sure I'll cheat? - No, I'm just sure I'll worry about it.

You have this very strange mix of confidence and low self-esteem.

So, I'll be the jealous, old troll

and you'll be a restless woman in her sexual prime,

and we'll both be consumed by this nagging fear

that the last years of our life, the... the toughest ones,

will be spent completely and utterly alone.

Wow.

Just wow. When did you come up with all of that?

Oh, in the ten seconds it took you to walk from that stool to this one.

Well, I could sit here and offer a full-throated rebuttal,

but honestly, man, I was just looking to get laid.

How many problems do you have with that?

None come to mind.

[brakes hiss]

[garbage collector] Let's do it!

- [sighing] - [brakes hiss]

- [dog barking] - [garbage collectors chattering]

[sighs]

[breathes deeply]

[grunts]

[sniffs, sighs]

[inhales deeply]

[groans]

This is what happens...

[car horns honking]

You land a job right out of college at a major firm.

You're just another cog in a very large wheel,

- but you've got your foot in the door. - [chuckles]

You get a shitty apartment in the city that you can barely afford

because you know the money will come.

- You get married because, you know... - [glass shatters]

And she moves into that shitty apartment.

You're dead broke, but there's two of you now.

You're in it together and that feels good.

[both panting]

Sidenote, no one will ever fuck you the way she did in that shitty apartment.

Including her.

So you work your asses off and you dig yourselves out.

Hardest, easiest money you'll ever make.

Well, it's not exactly canned food and shotguns.

[ringing]

Hey. Oh, yeah.

[elevator bell dings]

And then, when you're feeling good about things,

when things are, you know, copacetic, you have the first kid.

- Breathe, breathe. Oh! - [grunts, panting]

- [cries] - [Coop chuckles]

You buy a house, 30% down, 30-year jumbo at four and a half percent.

And you're broke again.

- [Coop] Uh-huh. - So you work harder, longer hours.

- You start earning some big bucks... - Great.

...which only serves to make you aware of the even bigger bucks

you could be earning.

- [gasps] - [Coop] Kid number two.

- [kids laughing] - House number two.

Broke again.

[tires squeal]

But it's a different kind of broke.

You're leveraged, which is a fancy way of saying

you've got something to show for your efforts.

The house, the cars, the stuff.

[speaks indistinctly]

And by now, you've lost sight

of whatever naive plans you may have once had,

or the things that mattered to you when you were starting out.

You're moving too fast to ask yourself those hard questions like,

"When is it enough?"

and, "Really, what's the point of all this shit?"

[employees chattering]

House number three.

Then one day, about five years after you bought the place,

you look up and realize that you've gotten there,

to that hallowed plateau where, for the first time,

you can actually afford your own life.

And in that mystical nexus where you seem to have wrangled life

and all of its infinitely complex challenges into submission,

that's generally where you will find your wife of 18 years in your bed...

[lover] Oh, shit.

- [moans] - ...with one of your closest friends.

[urinating]

- [sighs, sniffs] - [dog barking]

["The Suburbs" playing]

House number four.

A rental.

It's small, but don't worry, it's also depressing.

[song fades]

Why are we still holding in Pac-Pro?

We're mostly out.

- Mostly? Did he really just say that? - They're gonna rebound.

Guys, I've been telling you, we are making money across the book,

we don't need to get dinged in emerging tech.

Blow out of it, today.

You got it, boss. [sighs]

- What's wrong with him? - Me? Nothing.

[whispering] He got dumped.

- Aw, is that news? - I love her, man.

- [colleague chuckles] - N-No, you don't.

You love love, that's all.

- It's just, I don't know what to do. - I do. Blow out of Pac-Pro.

- [chuckles] - [Coop] Thank you.

- Morning, Coop. - Jack.

Gentlemen.

We on for squash today?

Are we? Did Mary send me an email?

Mmm, probably my mistake. Got your bag here?

Yeah.

- Great. Noon? - Noon.

Excellent.

- [grunts] - Out. Out. Come on, man. Put it in.

[grunts]

[chuckles]

Serve it. Goddamn it.

[Jack sighs]

Hmm. [groans]

How are the kids?

Oh, they're fine.

- Wife? - Ex-wife.

Yeah, she still with the putz? What's his name, the basketball player?

Nick. [sighs] Yes.

Ah, he'll get his. Karma, right?

Speaking of which, I gotta deliver some bad news.

Jesus, Jack, the cancer's not back, is it?

What? [stammers] No. God, no.

No, my sole remaining testicle is in good shape. Very plump.

No, the thing of it is, Coop, you're fired.

Oh. Great. [chuckles]

No, I'm serious. I gotta let you go.

[sighs]

What?

This girl, Oliv... What's her name?

- Olivia something or other. - Hold on. Wait. Girl? What... What girl?

- What are you talking about? - Cross. Olivia Cross. Olivia Cross.

Oliv...

Liv Cross?

A managing director sleeping with an associate is...

Wait a minute, no, she never worked under me.

She was in Shepherd's group. And-And-And... [scoffs]

I don't think I'd ever even met her before.

Doesn't matter if you met her. It matters if you fucked her.

You did fuck her, right?

- [panting] Fuck me! [inhales sharply] - [grunting]

Yeah, but it was, like, a weekend, uh, like, three months ago.

Completely consensual.

- I mean, she came on to me. - That's not the point.

You were her superior.

I told you, I d... I-I-I didn't even know her.

But you knew that she worked for Shepherd, right?

You see, Coop, the thing is, in her mind, she was passed up for a VP slot.

VP? She's 27 years old.

No, she's 28, and I'm not here to litigate.

You can't fire me, Jack.

Well, we have a very strict non-fraternizing clause, or so I'm told.

But why the fuck did you bring me here to... to fire me?

[sighs]

HR needed to get into your office to get your computer.

Proprietary information, you know the drill.

Those are my clients.

Well, according to the non-solicit you signed,

they're ours for at least another two years.

You're really gonna bury me like this?

You know how this goes.

My capital account?

- That's my money, Jack. No way. - You were fi...

- Come on, Jack. You cannot do that. - You were fired for cause.

Everything I have is in that account. You-You'd destroy me, Jack.

I'm sorry it has to be this way, but it has to be this way.

I'll sue.

They'll give you six months' draw if you don't.

Fuck you.

Yeah. Well...

[sighs] I'll give you a few days to decide.

[breathes heavily]

[sighing]

[Coop] Hunter. Oh!

[whistles]

[dance music plays on headphones]

What are you doing here?

Wrapped up a little early, thought I'd come pick you up.

- It's not Tuesday. - I know.

I thought maybe we could hang out a little.

- Maybe go eat some ice cream. - Am I in trouble?

Jesus, Hunter, no.

Can't a father just spend some unscheduled quality time with his son?

How's school?

- [music on headphones] - Hmm?

- How's school? - Fine.

How's that tutor we got you? Is she working out?

I guess.

You got a girlfriend?

- No. - Any prospects?

No.

You think at some point today you might respond to me

with an answer longer than two syllables?

[sighs] Maybe.

[Coop groans]

- You're coming in? - Yeah, Tori's here. I wanna say hi.

- Hi, bub. - [Hunter] Hey, Mom.

- How was your day? - Good.

What are you doing here?

Wha... I... I took Hunter for some ice cream.

It's not Tuesday.

So I've been told.

- Is Tori here? - She's not home yet.

[sighs]

- What? - What?

What is the look?

- I didn't give you any look. - You were giving me the look that...

there's the look where you're trying not to give me a look.

So, what's the problem?

I think it's a little tricky when you show up on a day that isn't your day.

I took him out for ice cream, my God.

It's confusing for him. Boundaries are there for a reason.

Boundaries? You mean, like monogamy?

[chuckles] Really, Coop?

It's been almost two years. When are you gonna stop playing that card?

I don't know, what is the statute of limitations on adultery?

Probably less time than you've spent playing the sad cuckold.

- Who says cuckold? Who are you? - You know what?

If you were even remotely self-aware,

you'd realize these things don't happen in a vacuum,

and you could maybe take a little portion of responsibility for your side of it.

Okay, I'm sorry, but you sleep with Nick, you kick me out of this place,

I'm forced to pay for this entire mess,

and I'm the one that's not being responsible?

I'm not doing this right now.

Oh, well, it's really no fun doing it alone.

- Oh, hey! - What?

Did he tell you he needs a new drum kit?

He needs a new drum kit? What is wrong with his old one?

I don't know, it's old and warped.

This band he's playing with, and they're very good, by the way,

said he needs a new one.

- God. - Nick offered to pick one up...

No. I... Nick doesn't need to pick up a drum set for my kid.

- I'm just saying, if you're really busy... - I can handle it.

Oh, wait. Coop.

I took Tori to the dermatologist.

- Her skin is fine. - Yeah, you wanna tell her that?

She wants this new laser treatment. It's three times and then you're done,

- $1,500 a pop. - [sighs]

They're gonna email you the invoice.

Every time I see you it costs me money.

Try sticking to Tuesdays.

Tell Tori her father says hi.

Jesus.

Fucking Christ. Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That is totally my bad, man.

Yeah, it was.

- Here, let me give you my info. - [sighs] Tori?

- [Tori] Hi, Daddy. - [car door closes]

Jake, this is my father.

Daddy, this is Jake. [sighs]

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

I-I'm sorry I had to ding your car to do it. [chuckling]

Wait, who are you?

Jake Weston.

Okay, that tells me nothing.

He's my boyfriend.

- I'm sorry, how old are you? - I'm 20, sir.

[stammers] Stop calling me sir. No one is buying it.

- Sorry. [stammers] - Okay, y-you're twe...

Sh-She's 17. Are you familiar with the laws in this state?

- It's not like that, sir. - Daddy.

Okay. [stammers] Jake, is it?

If you call me sir one more time, I'm gonna punch you in the dick.

Dad, you're being crazy. Mom, Dad's being crazy.

- You're okay with this? - Why don't you guys go inside

- and get something to eat? - You know about this?

You're fine with it?

- I'm sorry about the car. - Okay, fuck off, Jake. Fuck right off.

- What is your problem? - What is your problem?

You're okay with the statutory rape of our daughter?

- Oh, please. - What?

- She's in love with him. - She is a child. He's 20 years old.

How is that okay in your world?

- [Nick] Baby. - Oh, my God.

You leave them alone tog... Great, Nick's here.

- Hi. - [Nick] Hey, Coop.

He'll solve it.

Let me get out here to see this man.

- Hey. [chuckles] - Hi.

[Nick] Oh... [stammers] ...okay. Right. Yeah.

You know, I was, uh,

about to grill up these terrific skirt steaks I just picked up.

I mean, why don't you stick around?

Why don't I stick around? Hmm.

Uh... [stammers] ...why don't I stick around?

I guess why I don't stick around is probably because the idea

of going into my backyard

and eating steaks grilled on my $5,000 grill

by the man who's fucking my wife would make me wanna take...

- [spouse] Wow. - ...my Shun Fuji steak knife

and cut out my own heart.

That's probably why I don't wanna stick around.

- So, I'm gonna go. [sighs] - [car door closes]

[Nick sighs, stammers] Look, I-I get it, Coop.

I feel you, man. I really do.

I'm just trying to find a way past this, you know?

For all of us.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Tell that little shit I'm gonna send him a bill.

[spouse] Watch your toes, babe.

- [person 1 on television] I drove all... - [Coop sighs]

...while Haskell slept like a log.

After a while I began to get sleepy myself.

I was happy though.

- Soon I'd be with Sue again. - [sighs]

- The long trip was practically over... - Fuck.

...and there'd be no more hoofing it down the concrete.

[sighs]

I began to think of the future

which couldn't have been brighter if I'd embroidered it with neon lights.

It was nice to think of Sue shooting to the top.

Maybe it was for me too.

Don't you realize if I'm caught

they'll want to know where I got the car and stuff.

And they'll have me on a murder charge.

[person 2 on television] If you're smart, you won't get caught.

Hey.

What are you doing?

- Hi. - Hi.

Yeah! Fuck yeah! Come on.

[Coop] Samantha's husband, Paul, made his fortune in diners.

- He had nine of them, a 44-inch waist... - Oh, God.

...and a serious case of erectile dysfunction.

Yes! Goddamn it! Yeah!

[Coop] Since they separated, she'd been making up for lost time.

- [Samantha grunts] - Ow.

[sighs] Jesus.

[tapping on phone]

You know, I think you actually broke the skin.

[Samantha] Oh, well, that's how you know I wasn't faking it.

Everything okay?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Do you have to go?

Uh, no.

Oh, why? Did you... Did you want me to go?

No, I just...

You looked like you had something...

- Oh. [chuckles] No. - ...important.

U-Um, but okay. Okay.

Hey, wha... wha... what...

- what just happened? - What? Everything's perfect.

No, if... if you have something you wanna say,

- please just say it. - [laughs]

I mean, you were just literally coming inside me a minute ago,

and now you can't get rid of me fast enough.

Oh, Sam, my God.

No, honestly, it's fine. No, it's fine. I'll go.

[stammers] Seriously, I mean, it's biology, right?

The, uh, dopamine crash after the rush of orgasm.

I thought maybe something was going on with your kids.

No, my kids are fast asleep, but thank you so much for your concern.

Okay, look, I... Maybe something's getting misconstrued here.

I feel like you're not understanding me. Look...

No, it's just a little off-putting if I'm being honest, and...

I mean, 'cause you called me, right?

And then I changed into something sexy, and...

- Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. - ...I got a sitter and I exfoliated.

- Mmm. Hmm? - Sam.

I'm sorry.

Okay? I don't want you to leave.

Tell me the truth.

Do you ever think that we could be something more than this?

[Coop] Come on. Sam.

Come on.

We'd been doing this on and off for half a year,

and I had yet to stick the landing.

Look, you know the kind of numbers I was doing over at Bailey, right?

I could bring half that book over here,

uh, we combine that with the Texas oil families,

I could be doing half a billion dollars in under a year. Come on. It's a win-win.

And you haven't slept with any of our associates yet.

Oh. [sighs]

Look, Jack's making calls. No one's allowed to date you.

Come on, Monty. I got you this job. Just bring me in.

He's making calls, man.

Look, uh, I know Jack's been making calls.

Fuck Jack. He's got no friends here.

[chuckles] That's good to know.

Look, I can't afford to piss Jack off.

Not now, not with the beating we're taking in tech this year.

I have been wanting to poach you for a while.

- Well... - What's your non-solicit, 90 days?

You were once in this seat, Monty, and I was in yours.

- Yeah, I know. - Two years?

Didn't you get a lawyer look before you signed?

Well, they made it worth my while, what can I say?

You want my advice?

Not really.

Come on, Coop. You know I can't bring you in cold.

Take some time off, you let the stink fade 'cause no one's gonna touch you right now.

You should reach out to one of the new family offices coming out of Dubai.

They won't give a shit about your non-solicit or this thing with the girl.

The girl wasn't a thing.

They won't care either way is my point.

Coop, come on, don't be like that.

[breathes deeply]

[sighing]

[Coop] Sorry I'm late.

I got the usual. Mmm.

You going to that Miller thing tomorrow?

I was invited, why wouldn't I?

No reason.

If I avoided every social situation because Mel and Nick might be there,

- I'd never leave the fucking house. - Hey, I'm on Team Coop.

- There's no teams. - [chuckles] Bullshit.

[sniffs] Okay, what's wrong?

What?

You're not checking your phone.

You're not rushing through the meal. Something's up.

What if I didn't work for a while?

Now, why would you do that?

I don't know, maybe to see my kids. I don't know, read a book.

So, we're talking a couple weeks,

- maybe a month? - Exactly.

Or, like, a year.

Coop, there comes a time in every conversation

when a man has to cut the shit and get to the fucking point.

I lost my job.

- Who'd you fuck? - Hey.

- Why would you automatically jump to... - No, no, no, no.

You're not a drunk or a racist and your numbers were good,

so that leaves fuckery.

Jesus, Barney, come on. [stammers]

I just don't understand why Jack would hang me out like that.

- I mean, it was borderline at best. - [sighs]

Jack saw a way to cut you loose and keep your book. Was it really?

- Was what really? - Borderline at best.

Well, she worked on a completely different floor.

- I didn't know her. - You couldn't find someone else?

- Anyone else? - She hit on me.

- That doesn't matter. - Well, it fucking should.

It should. It should matter.

Bailey will settle.

What?

Sue Bailey Russell. They'll settle.

Why would they do that?

'Cause you're not a drunk or a racist and your numbers were good.

They don't want this to go to a judge. Sue them.

You're my business manager, not my lawyer.

And as your business manager,

I'm strongly encouraging you to hire a lawyer.

I just need to know how long I can float on what I got.

[sighs] Your nut?

Six months. Seven tops.

That can't be true.

Alimony, child support, two houses, cars, private schools,

not to mention your sister, and that's just off the top of my head.

Jack will settle.

Jack will crush me. I can't afford to go up against those guys.

You can't afford not to.

I just thought I had so much more.

You did. Then you got hammered last year on tech stocks.

Everybody got hammered last year on tech.

Everyone didn't get divorced or fuck their coworker.

- You should go see Monty. - I did. Lance too.

- No dice? - I have a two-year non-solicit.

I know.

["Country House" playing]

Coop, what are you drinking?

Forget that.

I got a 15-year-old Japanese whiskey you gotta try.

- Two. - [ice clinks]

Lehayim. [chuckles]

Mmm. Mmm. How smooth is that, right?

- Hmm. Yeah. - [sniffs]

[friend] So, um...

how's the single life?

Well, has its moments.

[sighs] Bullshit.

It's gotta be a goddamn smorgasbord of ass out there.

Come on, give me something. Some news from the front.

[Coop chuckles]

Oh, hey, I'm, um, chairing that cancer benefit again this year,

and I penciled you in for two tables, same as last year.

[sighs] How much are the tables again?

Thirty grand. Sixty for the pair.

Come on, you bought two tables last year.

Yeah, well, I wasn't divorced last year, Peter.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking.

I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that.

[sighs]

I'll eat the tables and take your name off the list.

Leave it on.

- You sure? - Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

- Wasn't trying to be an asshole. - [stammers, chuckles]

I guess to some people it just comes naturally.

[chuckles] Fuck off.

- [guest chattering] - [Peter] Hey, uh...

Mmm, that's okay, right?

We're all adults here.

- Sure. It's all good. - Good stuff.

Whoa. Out there living dangerously.

- 25, please. - You got it.

Thank you.

[breathes deeply]

Three-time NBA all-star. What are you gonna do?

Yeah. [sighs]

I'll have what he's having, just more of it.

- [bartender] You got it. - [Coop breathes deeply]

Team Coop?

[laughs]

[chattering]

And one more.

So, I... [stammers] ...I said to Peter...

[stammers] ...we have to get away with the kids, you know,

while we still can before they want nothing to do with us

because then what are we gonna do? Talk to each other? [chuckles]

We've been married way too long for that.

[laughing, distorted]

- [laughs] - [shushes, laughs]

[laughs]

[Nick laughing]

- [normal audio resumes] - [host mumbles, chuckles]

So, on Saturday, we leave for Belize.

I found us this villa, stunning view of the coast.

The kids have their own villa next door

- so we're not on top of each other. - I'll be right back.

But we know we'll see them because we're the ones with the chef

and the dining room, so when they get hungry...

[chuckles] ...I mean, the Turtle Inn does not know what is about to hit it.

How you doing, Coop? You okay?

I'm okay, Mel. How are you?

Yeah.

Hey, you two, can I just... can I just say,

I love that you had such a friendly divorce.

[chuckles] Diane.

[Diane] No, I'm just say... No, I'm just saying, you know.

Remember when Mike and Gayle got divorced? It was like Armageddon here.

- Do you remember that? - [stammers]

They can't even be in the same room together.

They can't be in the same city.

- Right? - [guests chuckling]

Sam, you think you and Paul are gonna be able to keep things friendly?

Oh, not a chance in hell,

but thanks for asking, you know, in front of everyone like that.

[Diane] I just... I admire how you guys handled everything with class.

You know, babe, when we get divorced, I think we should do it like that.

[chuckles] That's it. I'm cutting you off.

- I'm just... - [Peter chuckles]

I think it's great...

how we're all so enlightened... [chuckles]

- See? - ...you know?

I mean, Mel... Yeah, Mel and Nick had an affair and ended our marriage,

and I guess time will tell how fucked up our kids are gonna be,

but, you know, you all are being so awesome about the whole thing.

I mean, if I'd have known...

[both chuckle]

I'm gonna go take a piss. [chuckles]

[sniffs, sighs]

[sighs]

[breathes deeply]

- [breathes deeply] - [urinating]

[sniffs]

- [urinating continues] - [water splashes]

- Oops. - [urinating stops]

[groans]

[tap running, stops]

[chattering, laughing in distance]

[drawer opens, closes]

[breathes deeply]

[person 1 on television] We don't know how she was killed.

I think the weapon...

[person 2 on television] She was struck with a candlestick.

[person 1] A candlestick? Are you sure?

[person 2] A heavy silver one.

- [person 1] How can you know? - Microscope.

[Coop playing drums]

Here. Just...

[chimes]

One of you guys wanna trade cars for a little while?

Fuck yeah.

[grunts]

[doorknob rattles]

[chattering, laughing, echoing]

[toilet flushes]

- Fuck! - Jesus.

- [Tori] Daddy! - What the... Oh, for God's sake!

Fucking unbelievable.

[grunts]

- Mr. Cooper. - Go away, Jake.

Sorry, sir. We didn't know you were gonna be here,

- swear to G... [grunts] Fuck. - [grunts]

- Daddy! What did you do? Oh, my God. - [groaning]

- I told you to stop calling me sir. - [Tori] Are you okay?

[cell phone ringing]

- What the fuck is wrong with you? - [Jake groaning]

- [Tori] Oh, my God. Dad. - I gotta take this. Hey.

- [crying] Punched me in the... [groaning] - No, Bruce, I'm sorry. What?

- What can I do? What do you need? - Oh, God. Yeah.

- I mean, I can be there in ten minutes. - [Tori] Are you insane?

[Coop] Yeah, sorry about this. Bye.

Just... Put some ice on it or something. It'll be fine.

[grunts]

- [whimpers] - [car door closes]

["Fake Plastic Trees" playing]

[singer] ♪ Looks like the real thing ♪

♪ You taste like the real thing ♪

♪ My fake plastic love ♪

Hey, Bruce.

- Thanks for coming, Coop. - [Coop] You know it.

[singer] ♪ But I can't help the feeling ♪

♪ I could blow through the ceiling ♪

♪ If I could just turn and run ♪

Hey, Andy.

Bruce called me.

Yeah, I figured he would.

I could use the ride home anyway.

How did you get here?

I walked.

You off your meds again?

Just wanted to feel something, you know?

How you feel?

- Shitty, actually. [chuckles] - Hmm.

How was your day?

Oh. The same.

You don't look so great, and that's coming from me.

Come on. Let's get you home.

[Coop grunts]

[sighs]

[singer breathes deeply]

He still loves me, you know.

Honey, he's got a wife and two kids.

Well, everybody's got something.

What're you playing there? The Smashing Pumpkins?

Um. Radiohead, dipshit. [chuckles]

Right, right. Of course. Come on.

Hey.

You'll be all right.

Give me this. Get in.

- New car? - It's a loaner.

- Don't give me any shit. - [chuckles]

[exhales deeply]

I'm in trouble, Ali.

How bad?

I might need you to give up the apartment and move back in with Mom and Dad.

Well, sucks for them.

Yeah. It will if you don't take your meds.

I make no promises.

- This car smells like ass. - God, I know.

- It's like something died in it. - [engine starts]

[pedestrians chattering]

Liv. Liv.

Just... Please let me talk to you for a second.

[sighs] Look... Look, I'm really sorry about what happened to you.

It sucks that they fired you.

- Do you really feel that way? - Of course I do.

Well then, can you please withdraw your complaint?

I mean, you c... you can recant and indemnify Bailey against a lawsuit.

- I can get my job back. - What?

Look, I'm sorry if I mishandled things with you in any way.

I just thought we were both having a good time.

Wait. Stop. Just stop. I-I...

I don't know what you're talking about.

I never filed a complaint.

[elevator bell dings]

[receptionist] Coop. He's on a call.

It's o... It's okay, Mary.

- There was never any complaint. - Coop. You can't be here.

Liv Cross never filed a complaint.

It's an HR issue. I only know what I'm told.

Bullshit, Jack. You did this.

You broke company policy. My hands were tied.

You saw an opportunity to take my book and you decided to fuck me.

You fucked yourself.

I thought we were friends.

At least let me keep my fucking capital account.

[stammers] I'm begging you. That's my money. I need that money.

- No, it isn't. - [knocks on door]

Your biggest mistake was thinking any of this was ever yours.

All right, all right.

It's not yours if you can't keep it.

[screams]

[person 1 on television] I just can't let you ruin that beautiful motor.

Okay, start her up.

[cell phone buzzes]

[sighs]

[exhales deeply]

- Here. - Ooh.

[grunts]

How is Tori's boyfriend?

- Jake? - That's correct.

He'll survive.

Hmm. And Tori?

[clicks tongue]

You gotta give it a couple more days. I'm working on it.

You're not yourself, Coop.

[sighs]

Look, I'm sorry about the barbecue. I was a little overserved.

I'm not talking about the barbecue, and I'm not talking about the fact

that you assaulted our daughter's boyfriend.

- Although, Jesus Christ. - What then?

I don't know.

You just seem so...

alone.

Yeah, well, I live here, and you...

[inhales deeply] ...live there in our house with our kids.

- I know. - You left me. That would make me...

alone. [sighs]

That's not what I'm talking about though.

I'm worried about you.

[sighs]

Hey.

What is it?

Now, come on. You can still talk to me, can't you?

I'm fine.

I am. [stammers] I'm finding my way.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[Coop sighs]

Fair enough.

Thanks for coming by.

Thanks for the beer.

Miss Cross.

- How can I help you? - I was hoping for an explanation.

The Andrew Cooper thing.

I didn't file a complaint.

Somebody reported your involvement to HR.

- But there was no complaint. - Whiskey?

- No. - Sit.

I'm sorry that it was phrased like that, but complaint or not,

Mr. Cooper was in direct violation of our company's code of conduct.

He's in a position of power,

and we take our protections very seriously.

He's nowhere on my org chart.

I don't report to anyone who reports to him.

Does that mean he couldn't get you fired if he so chose?

- He didn't need to lose his job. - Hmm.

I've got a conference room full of labor lawyers who say otherwise.

Shepherd tells me that you're a star. He wants to put you up for promotion.

He wants you running your own desk. Are you ready for that?

How is that related to this?

Oh, I'm done with this. I've moved on to that.

I'm more interested in your future than Coop's past.

I'll tell you what. I've got a phone call in a minute,

but let's do dinner later in the week and discuss.

Mary will check your avails.

Shouldn't Shepherd join us?

Shepherd's welcome to join.

Thank you.

["What Would You Call Yourself" playing]

[film noir on television]

[basketball thuds]

[song intensifies]

[both exclaiming]

[song ends]

[Diane] Okay, uh, do you have everything...

[Coop] Viewed from a certain perspective,

life boils down to a series of interconnected decisions.

The Millers decided to go to Belize.

I decided to go to the Millers'.

Westmont Village has its own private security patrol,

as well as the Westmont police department.

The crime rate is almost nonexistent.

You live in a place like that long enough,

you start to feel insulated from the rest of the world.

You get complacent about things like alarm systems

and locking all your doors.

The Patek Philippe Nautilus: sealed 18-karat white gold,

blue sunburst dial,

water-resistant up to 30 meters, like that will ever come up.

Like the ads say, "You never actually own a Patek Philippe,

you merely look after it for the next generation."

Well, the next generation tells time on their phones,

so I figured no one was gonna miss this one.

[drawer closes]

[doorbell rings]

[breathing heavily]

[police radio chatter]

[doorbell rings]

Hi, guys. Is-Is, uh, everything okay?

Good evening, sir. You live here?

Yeah, yeah, I sure do.

[officer] Your house was placed on a vacation watch starting tonight.

We saw the Honda parked down the street, the lights on in the house...

figured we'd check in.

[sighs] That's my son's car.

I told him to pull it into the garage before we left.

So you are going on vacation?

Oh, yeah. Bright and early tomorrow morning.

My wife must've given you the wrong date when she called it in.

- No worries. Have a great trip. - [sighs] Thanks, you guys.

I appreciate it.

[sighs]

[breathing deeply]

[laughing]

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, that's not true.

I was thinking that Peter and Diane Miller were assholes,

and they didn't deserve all of this.

And I was thinking that there were plenty of assholes just like them

in the neighborhood, with houses just like this,

filled with expensive shit just like this that would never be missed.

Piles of forgotten wealth just lying around in drawers

where they were doing no one any good.

I knew this because, up until a little while ago,

I'd been one of those assholes.

[sniffs]

I was thinking about alimony, child support, legal fees, two houses,

a maxed out home equity line, tuition, property taxes,

health insurance premiums, SAT tutors,

child psychologists, car payments, gardeners,

exterminators, roofers, painters, plumbers, drum kits,

and a bank account that was still in the red from the divorce.

And how no one, including the cops apparently,

would ever suspect a guy like me.

I'm not saying it was a good idea.

It was just temporary.

A quick fix to pay some bills until I got back on my feet.

And I figured, what's the worst that could happen?