All language subtitles for Better Than Sex. (2008)

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE

Yes, it is a true story.

About two pieces of Moscow scum.

- Nyet.
- Nyet.

They tried to avoid the Russian Army

and so began an adventure which didn't always go according to plan.

At least, they had a plan.

'Our target is to gain 2,000 each.

'Me to start a band. Spiker so he can marry his childhood sweetheart.

'We decided to go to Los Angeles,

'where the women are beautiful

'and anyone can own a Mercedes within six months.

'But unfortunately, we cannot afford it.'

We would like to visit the birthplace of Shakespeare,

- Sid Vicious, Sherlock Holmes and the Yellow Submarine.
- The Beatles?

'Instead, we opted for London.

'The world's fourth largest economy has the most even distribution of wealth,

'a free healthcare and welfare system and is a haven for fraudsters.'

Only L400 between the two of you?

'Sergei is Cobakka's childhood friend who has done OK.'

You have to look and sound English.

Or you will be shot for being a terrorist.

This is Cobakka and Spiker.

They're going to be staying here for a few days.

They're going to be millionaires.

You want we sleep here?!

This is the house.

It's a nice house, isn't it?

Oi, oi, oi!

You are living in a very nice area now.

You must be like English gentlemen, not Russian scum.

Why can we not stay in the house? I thought you say this guy not here?

Too risky. This is Neighbourhood Watch area. Poshli!

'Let me explain something about this Neighbourhood Watch scheme.

'Pavlik Morozov was a hero of Stalin's time.

'Because he informed the authorities that his father was hiding wheat from the Bolsheviks,

'his father was taken away and shot.

'His photo now hangs in every classroom of Soviet Union as an example to us all.'

Look!

Your very own place.

If you need to piss, you use the broken window.

For the more serious problems, you use the wallpaper

or look, paper plates. Mmm!

OK, and if we get caught?

I'll give you two numbers.

If you want to go legit, call Patrick.

He has a job agency.

If you want to use the other route, and only if all else fails,

you call Artash.

But only if you're absolutely desperate.

'To rip off British Isles, you need first to have bank account.

'Deposit some money, then you get chequebook and card,

'which you report stolen.

'Then cash cheques as fast as possible in series of dodgy outfits.

'This is the plan.

'Do not ask for overdraft or credit card.

'You may as well just rob the bank.'

'Ask for savings, it sounds like they're going to hold on to your money.'

- And proof of earnings?
- I have some money, L200.

I will have a job in two or three days.

Good. Right, you will need a proof of address.

Council tax bill or a utility bill and employment papers.

I cannot open bank account right now?

Not today.

But don't worry, it will only take a couple of months.

A couple of months?

You might be able to open up a student account quicker.

Are you a student?

I would like to join your learning establishment.

'A student account guarantees you a L100 loan plus overdraft.'

Do you have any proof of your qualifications?

Give me a test.

What colour are my eyes?

Brown.

Beautiful, chocolate brown.

What are you hoping to study?

Capitalism.

'London is crazy expensive.

'First you need to find the means to get about town with no money.

'There is usually some genetic garbage by the gate.

'When you get caught...'

I don't have any more money on me.

'That is the great thing about this island...' My address.

'..the presumption of innocence means they assume you will pay.'

You have any experience?

SPEAKS VERY QUICKLY IN STRONG IRISH ACCENT

Do you speak English?

Do you?

Can we have subtitles, please?

We can't get an apartment without a job.

You can't get a job with no work visa.

Believe me, in this country, money can buy you anything.

Even a bloody knighthood.

- You just have to have the cash.
- Without work, we can't get the money.

You can use my ID for, let's say, 50%.

50%? Half everything?

You have to think big.

I didn't get to where I was by scraping by,

living the life of a refugee.

I'm not a refugee.

What I mean is, you have to learn to stand on your own two feet.

Don't rely on friends. Since I came here,

- not once did I ask to borrow money from anybody.
- You begged on the streets?

No, I showed the people of London my magic tricks on the streets for a while because I am an artist.

What I am saying, you have to be careful how you spend your money.

Everybody is trying to rip you off.

People are all on the make.

The main thing is that you stay focused

and remember why you came here.

Stick to it, don't spend your money stupidly.

In the meantime, you have to work to live.

Like I'm saying, I will cash your cheques for you.

- SPEAKS RUSSIAN
- Business is business.

GLASS SMASHES

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

- What?
- The third time you've fucking let me down.

It's 7.30. Just get there, OK?

- Same fucking message, 7.30, just get down there.
- Where it is?

- Look, it's Weston fucking Street, do you hear me?
- Yes, we hear.

If you don't make it, I'll rip your fucking legs off and beat you round the fucking head with them!

It's like I say, I tell you, I will be there.

- 7.30, all right?
- Where exactly?
- 37 Weston Street. Just get there now, it's 7.30.

VOICE CONTINUES TO BABBLE

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello.

I told Patrick I don't allow lateness, drugs or alcohol on the premises.

But I am 10 minutes late only.

10 minutes today, 20 tomorrow, before we know it,

you're having a week off and I'm paying for yesterday.

I can sustain many, many hardships. I can...

..a-tone. A-tone?

Yeah, well a-tone somewhere else.

But I have 38p left only.

You better not have afternoon tea at the Ritz, then.

I just want proof for employment.

You don't work here.

Yes, but Patrick say...

Patrick is not the boss, I am.

- You don't work here.
- But I work...

- Fuck you, man.
- You don't need that attitude, either.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Tony. You can work over there.

I'm sure you two can share stories about the war, eh?

MUSIC: "Bhindi Bhagee" by Joe Strummer & the Mescaleros

# Well, I was walkin' down the high road

# And this guy stops me

# He'd just got in from New Zealand

# And he was looking for mushy peas

# I said, no, we don't really got 'em round here... #

The shops, they are open all night?

You're hammered.

- You have your tea voucher with you?
- I come for a job.

- Do you have a work permit?
- No.

Then I'm afraid you can't work here, dear.

Just some tea then, please.

I'm afraid this hostel is just for British people.

I just want tea, a biscuit maybe.

If you go to the Committee for Refugees and seek asylum,

- then you can get a free blanket.
- I am not refugee.

How am I supposed to eat while I wait for you and your bureaucracy?

I am not asylum seeker!

Charity begins at home.

I don't have a home.

Why do they always send Eastern Europeans?

I am from Moscow.

Did you run all the way? Go and clean the toilet.

What? No! What? What the fucking... Hey! Fuck!

Hey, hey!

Don't bother with the toilets.

This is typical refugee behaviour. They deserve to live in shit.

Where are you from?

Afghanistan.

I had to run from the Taliban.

I sold my house for 10,000.

Then I crossed Europe.

Now my house is worth half a million.

All the poppy farmers are rich.

And I have a degree in political science.

Half of my friends, they work for the government, and look where I am.

These refugees, they lead a parasitical existence

at the expense of the state

and they get shipped out to some obscure town in the country

where nobody gives a shit about.

- You heard of Bi-cester?
- No.

I would thank you to note that Bicester is a thriving traditional Saxon market town.

We didn't ask for 10,000 immigrants to be put here.

So, you're homeless?

Spider?

- We haven't got any money.
- It's OK, he's my brother.

I ain't doing you both.

It's OK, I am gay.

Fancy some jerk chicken and some plantain?

Did you want anything? It's all fresh.

Oh yes, please. It's most agreeable.

- No, sorry.
- What's the matter with you, you prefer men or something?

Sorry, I have a girlfriend.

- I love her. We get married.
- So, why are you here then?

It's quieter than Heathrow.

'I can't blame Spider and I can't talk anymore because I'm too tired.

'Tired of England, tired of the smell of curry and tired of myself.

'How can a man be tired of life at just 23?'

Maybe we should call Artash.

And how must you describe our situation? Hmm?

'Artash - beady-eyed owl who spends most of his free time

'looking for loopholes in British legal system.

'His perfect Oxford pronunciation helps him

'defraud everyone and anyone, including his own grandfather.

'After staging a burglary in his house,

'Artash squandered 4,000 of his grandfather's pounds in two days.

'And his father is millionaire.'

I find job but they take 50%.

I live for 30.

- 10.
- Income tax is 25, all right?

I'm the one taking the risk. 30.

What risk? Sergei says says you never work.

I only don't work out of principle.

Forget it.

I'll teach you how to make money, all right, here and now.

OK, inside here, OK, go to HMV, all right, go inside,

go to the CDs, take the CDs, a lot of them,

not the cheapest ones, go to the counter, not right to the counter,

act normal, put the CDs inside, get out.

'He was a professional parasite, worked every scheme in the book,

'presented us with a whole pile of illegal opportunities.

'We were blown away.'

First, you need to convince them that you are a child of this goddamn island. Da?

Good. Watch and learn.

Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me.

Thank you very much, lady, have a nice day.

See? All you have to do is smile and be charming.

Bags. Your bags.

Please, I have children.

Excellent. Bags.

- I have money.
- Yes, please.

- Your car is this way.
- You can't take the car. My husband'll kill me.

Why do you stay with this man?

# Down in the valley there's a long legged queen

# She's got hair like a knot and she twists and screams

# She spends her days living in despair

# Waiting for her knight Have you seen him, where?

# Yes, well you sit on your throne... #

So simple, even a child can do it.

Teach me how to steal cars.

You cannot drive.

Well?

Envelopes.

You cannot live on envelopes.

Still, you can write home and tell all your friends of your momentous achievement.

Fuck you.

'To get mobile phone, you first need proof of address.'

And now I declare you officially employed.

'Anything will do, they never check.'

And you can find all the clients you need in here.

'And one copy of Loot, a London listings paper full of clients.'

How do you know the police don't make adverts in here?

Because this is the British Isles, and the presumption of innocence is king here.

'You need to get as many mobile phones as possible.

'They are worth at least L30 each phone.'

Hey.

Hello.

HE LAUGHS

- Look, man, they are worth more than this.
- Don't give me that crap, man.

You're a nobody, we all know that. Take the money and clear off before I break your mother's heart.

- Thank you. You're very, very nice people.
- Of course. We are very kind.

HE LAUGHS

Thank you.

So, this should be enough for a deposit.

Plus some spending money.

OK, L365 from you in cheques.

And L250 handed out by me to you in cash.

I will hold on to the rest and start a savings account for you guys.

If we need money, how can we get it?

Do you want success for the band?

That's money, OK?

Do you want a big white wedding?

That's a lot of money. Besides, if I give you the money now, you'll just spend it.

I'm saving it up for you guys. My father is a millionaire. What could I possibly want from you?

I'm taking care of you guys, come on.

It's mine, thank you.

OK? Spend the money carefully, all right?

'For a utility bill, you need an address,

'so get yourself an A-Z and decide which environs are most appealing and applicable.

'When you realise you cannot afford such a location, head off to Alperton.'

- What made you choose this area?
- It chose us.

So, you wish to rent this armpit in order to install a telephone line,

which will provide you with a verifiable domestic bill

and complementary calls to Moscow for a month,

before the bill, which you have no intention of paying, arrives?

We went over this already.

Yes, but you have to explain it twice for the American audience.

I'm Dennis and this is the room.

You need a room to get a job and a bank account, from where you can put

your money into your account, so as not to raise suspicion,

and then launder it mercilessly.

You only have half the deposit, you see, so your choices are limited.

- What is the smell?
- What smell?

When you don't pay bill, phone will be disconnected

and the company will call asking for payment.

But you will no longer be there or, ideally, in the British Isles.

What is that smell?

I carry out revision of the armpit fridge.

I need to remember what food smell like this, will never by mistake steal from Paki shop.

The question remains,

where does this terrifying stench like rotting garbage come from?

I think I found it.

Great. Not only armpit but imam armpit.

Their food stinks.

There is nothing to steal in the shops, as all counters are covered in piles of slimy brown crap.

I simultaneously want to puke, to shoot myself and drop napalm bombs

on this little area full of unshaven dirty barbarians in cheap clothes.

The armpit is simply too smelly to sleep in.

I have utility bill.

I can make bank account right now.

Right. I still need to see proof of employment.

This is crazy.

I just wanted bank account so I can put some money.

How am I supposed to go somewhere in this country?

How is the job-hunting going?

Great. There is a shortage of Eastern Europeans in London.

Why do you want to work here? Everyone hates it.

So I can complete bank fraud.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Look, if I make you the night security guard,

you sleep here, right?

- Yes.
- For extra security.

- Yes.
- Alone.

Alone, of course alone.

You need to have a bath, you absolutely stink.

There's a nice jacket in my locker in case you get lucky.

No drink or drugs.

- You have proof of employment for me?
- You don't ask for much, do you?

There's a hard hat and some boots down in that cabin.

- I go?
- Yeah, I'll give you a start.

- Go on.
- OK.

Hey.

Make sure there is money in your account,

so as not to arouse suspicion.

You'll now have only ten days to wait for your magic card.

There are many interesting places to see in London.

We haven't got around to seeing any of them yet.

But there is still time.

# Can't take no more of this panic and stress

# Well, I am living off the DSSS

# Ain't got the money cos I don't want to work

# Just sit about and let the hours drift away

# He tried his hand at a job in a factory

# But don't take orders off of people that he don't like

# He can't make up his mind what he wants to be

# I have to say that I've got to agree

# Getting lost in London

# Getting lost in London

# Getting lost in London

# Getting lost in London... #

We got better at stealing though we decided stealing

could only be qualified like sin when stealing from small shops.

Large conglomerations which kill off small shops are fair game.

Hey, lads! Thank you for shopping at Cresco's.

So, this is a favourite drug of the local citizens

with a non-traditional sexual orientation, right?

It is like an axe landing in your skull

and after that you feel squashed, flat. Try it.

Try it. Trust me.

When you're going to see British girl dance, you'll know why.

OK, guys. This is Misha.

Misha can get you anything you want.

Hi, Misha.

Misha, a real junky fuck.

Puny and pale like death.

There are dark bags under his eyes like baby Dracula.

He speaks slowly and moves in space hardly shifting his feet.

His veins have long gone.

Instead, he has only thread circling his weak body.

Unlike Artash, who gets money for heroin by means of dazzling, breathtaking heists,

this one rats cash from friends, parents, whoever.

Why do you hang out with this piece of scum?

I like scum.

Hey! The girls here, they are like plankton. Trust me.

Everything will be different in just a little while.

- Where are you from?
- Russia.

Is it true you still have to queue for toothpaste?

- No.
- Isn't there still a war on?
- Always.

The trouble with communism is it's capitalism under a different banner.

What Marx saw as Utopia was everybody being able

to be his own boss without avarice.

People want more than a simple life. They're greedy.

You want to get some food?

- OK.
- Bugger off.

Someone has to take care of the homeless.

One third of them are ex-forces.

They served their country and this is how it serves them.

Governments, the way they treat people, it makes me sick.

Look! I have to get up very early. Please, can we...?

Wait! I don't know you.

You were quick enough to come back with me.

Yes. So I can get to know you.

At least wait till morning, yes?

- No.
- We can have nice talk.

I've done the talking bit.

Well, we can just... Please.

We can hold each other.

And you'll sort me out in the morning?

Yes. Sorting in the morning, right.

Good morning.

I'm ready for my sorting.

Sorry, mother died.

What are you doing?

Lying bastard!

How come you don't sleep here? Are you a terrorist?

I look at Denis and wonder if he is real genie who has spent 3,000 years

inside a lamp and would have been there 3,000 years more

if some stoned mujahedin hadn't let him out.

How come I don't sleep in the room one metre by one-and-a-half metres?

Remember, I'm a refugee too.

I have a sixth sense.

Listen. From time to time I have to come back to this disgusting

fart-hole and make my presence known so that you -

you genetic piece of garbage -

will keep off my back long enough for me just to collect my post.

Don't worry.

Soon there will be no shortage of visitors for you.

First, Dennis, you will be visited by the representatives

of at least five telephone companies.

You haven't paid your bills for six months...

Good day. We're looking for a Mr Tetersky.

Then a cop will pay a visit and ask all manner of provocative questions.

I don't ever want to see that man again. Bloody Russian.

It will result in the realisation that you, brown islander,

don't pay any taxes.

I'm totally innocent!

You've got the wrong man!

How come you don't sleep here?

Are you a terrorist?

Mostly I stay with girlfriend.

Do you think you could provide me with proof?

Yeah, sure. As long as you're legal to work.

What would be a problem if I wasn't?

Come on. I'll give you a ride home.

# Swimming in the slipstream and the sun will shine

# Look at the sky It's reeling in the stars

# See where I am today I want to be where you are... #

Look, mate. This is all the cash I've got on me.

Take it, yeah.

Come on! It's only a few groceries, do you know what I mean?

I want to tell you something.

Go on, and get out.

In Russia, I was a racist. I hated blacks.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my days, you kill me!

Oh!

It's all right, yeah.

You can still be a racist.

No, you...!

Go on, mate, get out!

Take the groceries with you.

- Thank you.
- Look after yourself.

Thank you. See you later.

Donny, the bloke from Jamaica,

I will remember you until the end of my days.

Finally, after all your efforts, your beautiful little card arrives.

First, you report your cheque book stolen.

That way you get another one sent.

Each one of these little books is worth L1,150.

There are different types of cheque points.

Poke your nose into these little windows

and watch people cashing cheques.

Carefully observe the manipulations of each person behind the window.

If he starts to study the miraculous cards with a perplexed expression

and dials a number or puts the cards

into some strange piece of equipment, avoid this checkpoint

like your worst nightmare.

You need to find as many of these little windows

as the number of cheques you possess.

Never mind if the cheques are from the book you reported as lost,

they never check.

You can only cash one cheque per day from each book

which is why you need several books.

Thank you very much. Call again.

I'll be back.

To speed things up, you can buy something useless

like building bricks or a dollar,

which is as close to L50 as possible.

The following day, go back and return this junk.

You need to know which shops to go into as some will just provide

you with idiotic vouchers to buy some rubbish for a similar amount.

- Sorry. Sister dies.
- Have you got a receipt?

Would you like cashback?

- Huh?
- Cashback?

- Cash back?
- Yes.

Would you like cashback?

Um, L30...

Cashback.

I don't know lunatic who invented the cashback system which allows you to earn up to L50 a day.

Goodbye.

We love you, Tesco!

Hello.

How are you?

Go, go, go!

Woohoo!

5, 10...

If all goes to plan, you get two cheque books

with 23 cheques each book.

At L50 a day, plus 70 times 23 days of cashback money plus student loan.

This adds up to 4,550 bucks.

Be careful not to get too greedy with your magic art.

You could very easily become state criminal.

Your face painstakingly recorded in every detail, all over,

to be seen by your neighbours, your work colleagues and your landlord,

who, thanks to Neighbourhood Watch, all descend on Scotland Yard,

falling over themselves in order to give evidence against you.

When they catch you, you'll be glad you're not in Moscow.

'Dear Mr Tetersky, we seem not to have received your June payment.

'Please accept our apologies if the matter has already been dealt with.

'We thank you again for your business and hope to continue providing you with our services in future.'

Oh, look! An honest individual.

Why don't you come into the office?

We have got a great film to show you.

- Oh, yeah.
- With an international star.

But I have a ticket.

Go take a seat.

There you go.

Action packed.

This is my favourite bit.

- He's a runner.
- He'll never make it.

You want to put that shot in.

Please don't call the cops.

I won't phone Her Majesty's police force. I'm going to get you an agent.

They took all Tony's stuff.

Fucking thieves.

I have a job for you.

Who's the patron saint of the Catholic Church?

Apaedophilia.

What do you get for the paedophile who has everything? A bigger parish.

Are you going to buy that?

I was going to appropriate it for a little while maybe.

There are CCTV cameras all over the shop.

Ah, yes. CCTV. Watched 24 hours a day till we all conform

to the power of surveillance. I don't read it yet.

You could buy it.

Or I can save money and spend on dinner.

For two maybe.

I don't want to get in trouble.

He doesn't have any money.

I can...bring back next week?

Just take now. It's easy.

- So, interesting book?
- Mmm. Dali and Picasso. Very nice.

I don't know how she lose her job.

She's very cute.

Maybe.

She works in a bookshop.

You didn't get her number.

- Here.
- I don't even start it!

I thought you were reading something else.

It's written by fat-ass American in shorts and white sunhat.

He defiles Empire of Lights with deafening, guttural vernacular,

clicking camera and hamburger scratch.

So it didn't conjure up to the exciting images of Nepalese monasteries?

- No.
- How much for this?

None of these appeal to you?

No.

And your bag broke on the bus?

Which is why you were carrying them in your jacket?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's it.

Tenner, cash?

OK.

Piece of cake.

Don't give to him. I'll spend it at least on something useful,

like drugs and alcohol.

He'll just waste it.

We can do drugs from here.

What do you want?

You want something to go up or to go down, or...?

Or you can get some books.

Best places to buy drugs in London - Camden for cannabis,

New Cross for pills and good old Kilburn for crack.

- Thank you.
- How long we can stay here?

Don't worry about it. My father won't be back until tomorrow.

Fuck it.

I know one place in Brixton.

- We can stay L50 one week.
- All right!

- A hostel?
- Mm.

Sure, if you want to spend your time with Saudi terrorists

and Albanian sheep fuckers.

Is there the gangster from Jamaica, man?

They knife each other and when they get bored,

they knife, kill, white guys.

How can Rastafarians be so violent?

They smoke so much dope.

The reason for my living...

..for being here...

She's sleeping with one of my best friends. Fuck. Fuck.

You sleep around too.

I sleep with chicks in parties just to sleep. This is different.

She has a place to sleep, and someone to sleep with - me.

She's talking to me like nothing happens.

He's there and she's telling me she's bought the fucking rings.

I can't believe she would do this to me.

The woman I trust more than the rest of humankind.

Oh, shit.

I don't want to play house with thieves and drug dealers.

- It's a big house, OK? Look...
- Oh, my God!

What do you think life is supposed to be like? Will you...get there.

You are my son. You're supposed to make my life a comfort and a joy.

You...are like a vampire who sucks the blood from his victims

and then leaves them hopeless.

When did you start going so bad?

What more can I do for you?

You know, more money, for the start, would be nice.

You piece of shit.

You piece of shit.

You...nothing.

You don't know what life is.

When you do,

if you do,

I hope you'll be smiling.

Wherever they go, Russians seem to crap all over the planet.

# If you love me

# As much as the words you speak

# You got a funny way of showing it

# Take it from me

# I made your love

# Out of the thoughts below

# But that was months ago

# So where are you now?

# And I'm falling through the cracks

# In time

# You got me falling through the cracks

# I don't seem to be in evidence

# Not even in consequence

# Not even in mind

# All I saw was inconsistency

# Never the honesty

# You bought and sold

# And I'm falling... #

And stay away from Artash - probably turn a mobile phone into crack.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome. Tonight we are going to cook heroin.

GROANS AND CHEERING

WHOOPING

What you need is...the heroin.

Spoon.

Citric acid.

Syringe. And a syringe pack.

Take the heroin,

pour the citrics over, add water,

boil until all dissolved.

After that you're ready to go.

In the pack, we also have a pre-injection cleansing swab.

You can use this use this to burn it hotter and longer.

And the gear appears.

CHEERING

This is how they live in homeland of Bob Marley.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

# Billy billy bong bong

# Billy bong bong Billy bong bong... #

All niggers wake up at 12 noon, wash their faces, clean their teeth

and plug in their reggae-screaming stereos.

They head for beach to smoke dope.

TOILET FLUSHES

So what awaits those brothers careless enough to emigrate to foggy Albion?

He gets up at six, has cold shower,

and is squeezed into Tube with no reggae and plenty of dull work.

I've been rejected from university.

I know I should try philosophy department.

I've been good to you.

I let you stay here because you didn't have anywhere to go.

But I will not have drugs on my site.

It's not me. I don't do this stuff.

Maybe you do, maybe you don't.

There's more silverware here than in the kitchens of the bloody Dorchester.

I swear to God, it's not me!

It doesn't matter who it is. You're in charge of security.

That means no junkies, so you didn't do your job.

I have to keep this place drug-free or I'm out of a job, and I've got, like, four wives.

The company will tolerate a bit of stealing.

I mean, they're insured for that, but drugs?

- It's an absolute no-no.
- But I have to get one thing from...

- No - you can go.
- I have to get one thing from this.

No, not this.

- It's one thing different.
- You'll have to come back next week when I'm sure there's nothing missing.

- It's very important.
- Get out.
- It's not worth anything next week.

- Out.
- Please.
- Out.
- Please.

I need my chequebook.

Never, ever, ever steal from the family again!

You stole from Grandpa.

That's different. He's useless.

He's rubbish.

You...lost me my job.

Fucking parasite.

- You kept the cheques, but now I want my money.
- Your fucking money?

My fucking money.

It's in a fucking savings account, all right?

Let's go.

- Right now. Me and you. Let's go.
- You're supposed to leave it in there for at least six months.

We're not going to be here for six months.

You don't have it, do you?

No, no, no. It's just that the UK have a very, very complex banking system.

You spent our money. You spent OUR money!

Please don't hit me, at least not in the face.

I did spend at least half of it on Spiker, all right?

And I...bought you some presents.

It's impossible...to rely on you.

I'm willing to admit a certain lack of borderlines...

One job to do.

One job only, just the cheques.

You have nice cut. We're all very happy.

But you had to change all the money into crack,

and turn Spiker into a junkie.

He's an adult, you know?

He's perfectly capable of saying "no", a word which, incidentally,

I haven't heard you saying when it was offered to you for free.

Leave him alone, or I will kill you.

# Dancing with the pretty thief He's got eyes so sweet... #

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

# ..And he... #

Can I help you with your bags?

Oh, thank you, dear. You're very kind.

- GLASS SMASHES
- Oh, don't worry, dear.

# ..Dancing with the ugly thief

# He got gold for teeth... #

- INDISTINCT SHOUTING
- ..Fuck!

# ..That may be...

# That pretty thief

# Yeah

# Dancing with the pretty girl She got diamonds and pearls

# And she moves like the breeze And me

# The loser at his feet... #

A can of Coke. Yep, look.

- Listen, I've got to go. I've got a client.
- Hey.

I'd like to get mobile phone.

You think I'm stupid, lad?

- No.
- Listen, mate.

Do yourself a favour, go away and don't come back.

Is there some problem with my documents?

- Are you from the Ukraine?
- Yeah!

Thought so. Pathological liars. And eternally greedy. Now piss off!

Bloody immigrants.

- Hey, how are things?
- I'm fine.

- How have you been?
- I...

I just thought you could, maybe, you know...lend me some money.

Look, mate, you need to get off it, yeah?

OK.

OK.

DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCKING AT DOOR

SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

- No?
- I need some money.

Huh! Yeah, I see.

This is what always happens, you know?

You spend on the wrong things, my friend.

You were always the same at school.

Always borrowing money, never paying it back.

You still owe me 10 dollars from 1987.

What?

'I could not believe what I am hearing.

'It was as though there had not been 12 years of friendship, as though we had not shared a desk at school,

'as though together we did not beat the shit out of our fat classmate pig, or puff the same dog-end.'

You said to me that you're going to look after yourself here in London.

'We gave him a phone for his birthday, we trust him,

'but Ukrainian blood runs through Sergei's veins.

'and, added to this, the spirit of Carnegist.'

What I tell you when you first come to England?

You get in the car at the airport, what did I tell you?

# I said blow me up before I fade away... #

Thanks.

# ...I said, blow me up before I get that way, I said... #

Thank you.

# ..I said, blow me up before I fade away

# Yeah, don't you let me look that way... #

Salt.

# ..I said, pull the trigger before the night is through

# There ain't nothing left but me and you... #

You again.

Why you steal from me?

Why not steal from Tesco, or one of those big conglomerations that buy up all the fields,

fill the air with carbon monoxide and put us all out of business?

On principle, normally I steal from Tesco,

- but it's midnight.
- You think I don't have children to feed?

You think I don't have people at home waiting for me to bring money home?

A wife that doesn't know what I do with all my time?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was desperate.

Take it.

I've been desperate.

Just go.

Go, and don't come back.

Please!

# All down-and-out when they're black-and-blue

# But we don't talk about that

# Are you from round here?

# How do you do?

# I'd like to talk about that

# Talk over gin in teacups and leaves on the lawn

# Violence at bus stops and a pale thin girl

# With eyes forlorn Ah, gin in teacups

# And leaves on the lawn

# Violence in dole queues and a pale thin girl

# Behind the checkout

# But if you're looking for cheap sorts as in false anticipation

# I'll be waiting in the photo booth at the underground station

# So come away

# Won't you come away? We're going to...

# Catford, Watford

# Lincoln

# Digbeth

# Liverpool, anywhere in Albion... #

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

The deposit was 60.

Minus ten for each key, plus 10% wear and tear.

DOOR RELEASE BUZZES

I hope you enjoyed your stay.

I would rather live in sewer.

From thieving genie. Who do you think?!

Um...

This is for one chocolate.

Artash steals all our money.

Huh?

What do you think about this? Nothing.

Well, what do you expect?

He is a junkie.

Hi, friend.

SIGHS

- SIGHS
- It's OK.

It does say that a person attending before...December 31st...

We're entitled to a bar of...

Yeah, I can read English.

Day release from the asylum shelter, is it?

What?

You not forget something? Hm?

Aren't you supposed to say, "Thank you for shopping?"

Not to immigrants, I'm not.

SIGHS AND SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

Bye-bye.

- Yeah.
- MUMBLES

'I watch Spiker on the phone to his mother,

'sitting in the doorway, unshaven and he smells,

'like any other homeless drunk.

'I wonder what kind of person it takes to make it to a place such as this.

'For a moment, I thought maybe I could help him.

'Remind him why we come

'or to say it was OK to go, that we see each other back in Moscow, for drink with our friend,

'laugh at stories of escapade in heroin clutch of foggy Albion.'

- SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
- No, mate.

- It's me?
- 'But truth is, I didn't know who Spiker was any more.'

- OK, bye, you guys.
- 'And I didn't care.

'Why do childhood friends grow up?

'It ever so great?'

I love Christmas.

It's sweet, like the sunshine.

What do you think?

Very nice.

- Want to see my woman?
- Sure. 'Beer breaks them.

'How could I ever imagine that I, Moscow hooligan and Nazi, would ever become Negro-lover?'

- WOMEN ON TV BROADCAST:
- 'When do PIN numbers come into operation?

- MAN ON BROADCAST:
- 'Two or three months from now.
- And if you don't have one?

'You won't be able to use your credit card,

'and you won't be able to get a bank account without a work permit.

- 'And what about people who already have accounts?
- People who already have accounts will be...'

'Just when I thought things cannot get any worse, they introduce PIN number.'

Look, all-new technology.

Very impressive.

# Lord, there goes Johnny Appleseed

# He might pass by in the hour of need

# Has a lot of soul

# Been drinking from the well

# Locked in a factory

- # Hey.
- Don't they know?

- # Hey.
- Don't they know?

# If you're after getting the honey

# Hey

# Then you don't go killing all the bees... #

'So, Brother, I read to you to distract you from your sad state of mind.'

KNOCKING AT DOOR

- Please help me.
- No.
- MOUTHS SILENTLY

I need money for a band.

I need verifiable address.

- I have a plan.
- I know.

- I wish
- I
- had plan.

I don't.

- I'm begging you.
- I need this job, Artash.

'I have been visualising the future, and it looks good.

'You will get your notes published, and as to showing them to my mother,

'well, I am one quarter of a century old and I feel I can do whatever I want.

'Maybe they will see it simply as bravado or two fraudsters

'who fell greedily upon freedom and shamelessly tried to reap all its fruit.

'Or perhaps they will find story of friendship and treachery or the joy of life and loneliness,

'of the realisation of simple truth that, more often than not, sadness and adversity happen...

'because of the inability to believe in something.

'Maybe this is friendship.

'I don't know.'

L4, please.

One coffee latte.

# He said, "Come on, then let's stop by the river

# "No-one's there but me and the ducks

# "And they've stopped talking to me anyway

# "And I would like to get to know you..." #

I, er, don't suppose that, er...?

You know, I was going to quit drinking today. And then, er...

Well, er, there you are, like an angel.

It's nae Big Ben, y'know.

Big Ben's just the bell.

It's been cracked since they put it there.

I love the way it sounds, though.

Keep it. I don't need it.

No.

I just need some water.

'I have picture in my mind dear to my heart.

'Hampstead Heath, watching planes fly over.

'The one time we felt happy on these goddamn isles.

'And you at your dacha, sitting on the porch, fucking blown away.

'Heavy snowfall starts, with big flakes.

'In half an hour, we will be in the forest.

'Then, coming back home, we sit by the fire with no talking,

'because now we no longer need it.

'We are alive, Negro.

'Is that not beautiful?

'Your friend, Cobakka.'

- What is that smell?
- What smell?

# Can't take no more of this panic and stress

# Rely on living off the DHSS

# Ain't got no money cos I don't wanna work

# Just sit about and let the hours drift away

# He tried his hand at a job in a factory

# But can't take orders off the people that he don't like

# He can't make up his mind what he wants to be

# I'd have to say that I've got to agree

# You're getting lost in London

# Getting lost in London Getting lost in London

# Getting lost in London

# I cannot lie Yes, I find it so hard

# To sell my dreams for a job with security

# You want me close Yeah, you want me so near

# But, darling, don't you know I never had a career?

# Till she found out he was broken

# It was good night He can't make up his mind

# What he wants to be I'd have to say

# That I've got to agree You're getting lost in London

# Getting lost in London Getting lost in London

# Getting lost in...London

# We've got a bit of a problem With the youth of today

# You better find a solution

# You can say what you like

# But you know we're not fit for nine to five... #