All language subtitles for Mock.The.Week.S22E14.540p.X265.AAC.[9jaRocks.Com]

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

Read all about it. Read all about it.
News of the world.

News of the world.

Me, Daryl Breen, and this is the last of
our Mock the Week summer specials. It

may only be in a short run, but we've
still managed to bring down another

Minister and end the war in Iran.

Oh, you're welcome.

Stand by for lots of unseen material,
outtakes and our favourite bits, and

see you when we're back in September.

OK, cool.

Bill, can I stop sounding like a bouncer
here?

You've changed.

I've changed, man.

The new me.

You're dressing all young in your
trainers and trying to...

Got the water, got the glasses.

Mixed message.

You're also trying to look a little bit
like Nick Robinson, I think, aren't you?

We start tonight with a round called
Picture of the Week. I show the panel a

topical image and ask them to tell me
what is happening. So, teams, what is

going on here?

Was this taken just a few seconds before
thousands of birds landed on us?

He's coming for your job as well.

Because of the slogan and his skin tone,
he does look a bit like a sex robot for

women with low self -esteem.

Sarah, are there sex robots for women
with high self -esteem?

That was actually supposed to be a
train, that picture.

But it didn't arrive.

Do you think he knows there's a bus
behind him?

With Keir Starmer in the driver's seat
going, yep, just stay very...

Is he saying, the prophecy has been
fulfilled.

The Vengabus has arrived!

No, this is a trailer for Transformers
5, Bumblebee has career regrets.

I don't know what this is. Dara, is this
the advert that convinced you to get

those glasses?

I've always worn glasses. This is not
the first time you've ever seen me wear

glasses. I've always worn glasses. Tink,
have you ever not seen me wear glasses?

No, you're right. I've always worn
glasses.

You look fantastic.

Thank you very, very much. You look like
a witch has tried to turn you into an

owl and it's got stuck.

this be a good opportunity to talk about
my new panel show on PLC, Unacceptable.

When does that start again? It starts in
July.

I don't think so.

I've let him talk about it at the
beginning, so he'll leave again. He's

here.

Okay, so we know what's happening, but
you can't tell us when. Yeah, every

round, one piece of information.

Sorry, after this very short summer run
of Mock the Week.

No, no, too much information.

Sorry,

are we allowed to just slag you off and
then plug stuff?

I'm on tour in September.

Unbelievable.

Don't applaud that one and make it go
into the edit. I've got a compliment for

you. I think you look nice, just like my
new range of sex robots.

I think it sounds great, Ed. Does it
have guests?

Does it have small female guests?

Yes, we have some of the smallest female
guests available.

You're starting to sound a bit Prince
Andrew there.

Is it on an island?

Technically, yes. They were invited.

Would you like the direct answer?

Is this one of the guests on upcoming...

The next

topic is bad things to hear or say on
your first day at

work.

Welcome to Al -Qaeda.

for the over 40s.

Or as we call it, midlife ISIS.

No, I haven't tried switching it off and
on again. This is a life support

machine, Sharon.

Sorry, did I say turbulence? I meant
buildings. We're going to be hitting

buildings.

If I'm working in property, what do I do
then? Mostly leases, not any proper

sales? No? What is a rent boy then?

I don't normally take temporary jobs,
but the chance to be Prime Minister was

too good to turn down.

So we have Dress Down Friday,

Upskirt Monday, Knobs Out Tuesday.

Meanwhile, what failed to attract any
bids at an auction this week? A meet and

greet with Glenn Moore.

This was Andrew's glove.

This was former Prince Andrew's gloves.

Moore, look at him! F*** me!

I thought Charles had been shedding
again.

I mean, of course the word can sell at
this time. It's June.

There was one

guy who wanted to buy them, but he'd
spent all his money on

Jimmy Savile socks

The only person who might have bought
one would have been Michael Jackson, and

he only would have bought one.

But they would have looked like O .J. on
it.

Do you think people were scared they
were sort of like the mask, and that if

put them on, they'd be like, oh, what's
happening?

Legally, someone's got it.

At least you know there's no sweat in
them.

Do you genuinely need to? Yeah, of
course you can. It feels like a... He

look like it. Fucking hell, I can't use
these.

Are you trying to replace your
telescope?

Any other news? What's going on here?

This is so bad.

It's the squad sort of photo for
England, but they do sort of look...

choir.

I've never seen Harry Kane look so much
like Gareth Malone.

It looks like they're finalists for
Young Estate Agent of the Year.

I like the trend they've gone for.
They've gone for ants when you pick up a

rock.

The better ones are this.

the individual photographs.

Now, before I bring this up, we've all
seen the bit where they point at the

camera and look scary or, you know,
generally in defence and they'll pop up

little portrait of them going, hmm, oh,
I'm going to get you.

Just like on Gladiator. Yeah, just like
on Gladiator. Yeah, exactly. And yet the

England team have gone for this.

That's just... It's every comedian's
first Edinburgh film.

Who did the photo shoot? Adele?

Well, it's a very moving photograph. I
want to know what love is shot.

It's probably not as whimsical as the
one of Anthony Gordon.

Do you mind if I... Sorry.

My barber never knows what I mean when I
ask for the lesbian nana.

It does look like the photo you'd put on
the front of an order of service for an

auntie's funeral.

Fondly remember.

It just looked like Princess Diana if
she was two years on testosterone.

Although it's a different kind of
awkward to Rhys James.

Not that one, but this. Oh, bless him.

He looks like he's in table football.

I'm expecting him to do a backflip with
his arms by his thighs.

He does look like he's just come down
there and gone, Mum, I've been sick.

Moving on.

What have scientists used to make a
sourdough?

Yeast. They looked inside a mummy's
stomach and found loads of yeast. They

There was a mummified body.

Yes. It's called Ötzi.

And Ötzi was Ötzi.

How the fuck do they know the name of
the mummified body?

Because it's the last thing they
unpeeled and they went Ötzi.

He didn't eat a piece, he ate a batch.
He had a name tag. Written under his

like in Toy Story. Yeah.

Why are we...

Well, I think it is a man. You can
actually see the bit of the baby. I

think a penis stays around.

That's not his arm.

And he's not happy to see me.

We've got different hips, though,
haven't we?

Yeah.

Hugh,

you're not allowed to say that to female
guests anymore.

Sorry, a male mummy.

A male mummy. And they unwrapped it, and
then they found yeast in his stomach,

and they thought, what can we do with
this?

Yes. That's the step I'm interested in.
It is very much so. And it wasn't yeast.

Actually, I'm not sure if it was yeast.
It was more yeast and soaked through

from the water that the mummy was
petrified in or contained in. So it's

like, we're not resurrecting the last
meal, as it were. Right, okay.

Because then they would go, oh, it was a
meal deal. They've got a sandwich.

A schnaffel.

Actually, it is just Jurassic Park for
bread, isn't it?

It's like that.

It's like Sam Neill's rising out of his
chair.

Oh,

my God. There's a little rose coming
over the hill.

Oh, a baguette.

I'm worried about Gwyneth Paltrow.

Because she did a candle, didn't she,
that smelled like her vagina.

If she realised you could put candida in
stuff.

Oh, right, I thought you thought that
was a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, I

think that's also... She is looking
marvellous.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Our next round is a quick quiz.

Each week I'll ask Pam a series of
quickfire questions about someone or

something from the news, okay, to see
how much you know about the World Cup.

So, question one, what new offence will
see players get a straight red card at

this year's World Cup?

Being Iranian.

I was going to say, not returning my
calls.

Is it cutting the holes in the back of
their socks?

Don't like it. It makes the legs look
like a pork loin joint.

Is it smacking the top of your
opponent's willy so it fizzes up

Don't say that. Don't say that after we
just went to the toilet together.

Fizzes up everywhere. It's not that,

surprisingly.

It's not like questioning a decision or
something. No, it's something like that.

It's clandestine.

Players now do things where they cover
their mouths in the talk, but in

instances where they may have said
something offensive or racist, you

We want to see that.

Okay,

what was the mother of Romania's Alfred
Eisenbeisser doing when he returned home

from the 1930 World Cup? Was Alfred
Eisenbeisser senior?

Was she waiting for him?

No, she wasn't waiting for him. Oh,
yeah, well, she sat in the dark saying,

time do you call this?

She was organising his funeral.

Or I think it's wake, actually, because
she was told he'd fallen ill on the

boat, and the people went, I don't know
where he is, and she just assumed he was

dead.

And someone was taking away people's
phones?

Yeah.

And he was just recuperating initially,
and they came back and his wake was

being organised.

Was his issue with the fact she was
doing it or the way she had done it, you

know? Was he like, I don't want sausage
rolls at my wake?

I think she was like, I've put in all
this time, we're doing the wake.

What surprise was in store for the Irish
team at their hotel at the 1994 World

Cup in the United States? Was Mrs. Eisen
better?

Was it the fact they'd qualified?

I'll do not an offensive one. Was it a
pot of gold?

It was Roy Keane in a good mood.

It was before that one.

The hotel was hosting a Star Trek
convention.

I think they were there. What bizarre
thing did Argentinian Goikia do during

matches at the 1990 World Cup in Italy?

Did he tap the end of his willy and it
all went... Essentially,

yes.

He urinated on the pitch. Did I just see
Ronnie's mastermind there?

He urinated on the pitch before penalty
shootout.

What was he trying to do? Kill the
grass? Make it live?

Like a cat.

I love it. Yeah, he marked the
territory.

I don't even think it's a poke. That
would be very like a cat if he just kind

read it.

Is that a red card?

No, none of the time. It's weird.

But had he covered his penis while he
did it, then the penis readers wouldn't

able to read what he said.

Where did he do it? On the penalty spot?
I don't know. I feel they'll be very

brash to walk up and wee at the person
walking towards you. Yeah, yeah. What do

you think of that? I think the other
goalie was like, well, not to be

could do shit.

That's, by the way, the straight to
promos.

They don't look that blocked.

You could get through there on a jet
ski.

That would be quite the move to go, ah,
loser.

them for wanting to leave that sunrise
though.

Oh,

there's a captain with his arm around
the first mate. Do we ever have to

In the happiest three months of our time
together, here on the boat.

Straight to Paul Moose sounds like
Iran's top reality show.

What about the Straits of Hormuz? When
will the Gays of Hormuz get it?

A name for a club? What a fantastic name
for a gay club, the Gays of Hormuz.

I mean, I didn't know where to open that
club.

Maybe not around Hormuz.

Also difficult to know which would have
most oil.

This game involves Michelle and Scott.
If you could make your way to the

performance area, please.

This round is a stand -up challenge.

I launch a wheel of news, and whoever
chooses the top one of our performers

step forward and talk about that
subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the
funniest.

Okay, here we go.

Was there a reason you fucking dawdled
there for me?

Okay, next question. Where's Anthony?

Hey, Anthony, how are you?

I'm all right.

Good man yourself. That's an excellent
beard, Anthony. Congratulations.

Thank you. Anthony, is this a beard
-related question?

Good.

What is the question?

What's the most useless fact you know?

Bill Murray is still filming Groundhog
Day.

If finding Nemo was scientifically
accurate, when Nemo's mom died,

Nemo's dad would have changed sex and
mated with Nemo.

This is actually the plot of the porno
version, Grinding Nemo.

Apparently the guy who invented the
condom was really

embarrassed afterwards because he found
out that no one else has that weird bump

on the end of their dick.

favourite little known fact is, in Spain
in 1998, Ed killed a hitchhiker with

his car.

I don't think you're being entirely
fair. We're not 100 % sure it was a

hitchhiker.

About 30 years ago, you had about 17
minutes approximately to escape a house

fire. But now, you've got about four.

Due to furniture being more flammable.

Fuck's sake, Sam. Would you like another
Chris Ramsey happy fact? Fuck no.

Read the room.

Look at this broadcast into people's
houses.

I'd expect to hear that from Jigsaw.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much for that. Thank you
very much for asking.

Meanwhile, what's happening here?

It looks like the couple on top of a
wedding cake have invited friends.

This is Xi Jinping and Kim Jong -un
having dinner together,

seemingly on cruising with Jane
McDonald.

Oh my God, if she could throw it into
the pool behind her.

sure that a sort of state meeting is
going to end with them both singing

in the stream they're both waiting for
the other to leave so they can go do

you think they all ordered separately or
one person dictated for the table

could they not got a smaller table it
looks like a birthday

they booked for 10 and six people didn't
turn up i hope you're okay with us

watching finding nemo he's about to fuck
his son

scientifically accurate North Korean
version.

There's so much that they held. I think
it's the Gatwick Hilton.

Where has had particularly exciting
weather?

Well, there were 29 ,000 lightning
strikes. There were 29 ,000 lightning

in the UK on Tuesday night and Monday,
Tuesday night, and 18 ,000 of them in

Somerset. Really?

Yeah. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Who
counts?

Which junior?

Which junior? Oh, no, no, no.

Ticking them off like that. With those
kind of metal things that you have in a

nightclub, this is not a good idea.

I bet you... Fired on them all through
your telescope, your Skype over.

I did not.

I carried in the cool of the room.

To answer your question, it's local
volunteers observed the lightning.

I used to be a weatherman, but I've
still got a broken barometer.

If anyone wants it, no question.

Well, for a second, we'd broken Milton.

Yeah. I thought he was just chatting
there for a second. We're going to get a

real story from Milton here. It's
amazing.

We'd love to get some facts out of him.

In other news, what's going on here?

He didn't mock it. This is actually how
he inflates his hand.

That's him with his other wrinkly old
bag.

This is your king, people. Your king.

He might be the king, but the fingers
are mental, aren't they? Yeah.

He's the only man in the world, he's the
only man who has to use his penis as

foreplay for fingering.

LAUGHTER

This

is a crime.

This is a crime. It may be partly to his
business, but I don't know. I'm not

investigating it too closely. I know
that there's... Certainly a team from a

certain channel going, no, no, no.

No, none of them so far.

That's good stuff, though, isn't it?

It's going to be a very short round.
You're going to show that picture and

going to go, he's the king of our world!

Or he'll just cut to Reese and there's
like a black square over his mouth and

the voiceover goes, he is a wonderful
man.

Is he fundamentally just saying, this is
the purest shit I've ever heard?

A compliment to the people of Bolivia?

Meanwhile, what has a Spanish architect
labelled as ridiculous controversy?

Dara, it's pronounced controversy.

She is so angry!

She is so angry!

I'm sorry, I'll do it again.

Meanwhile, what has a Spanish architect
labelled as una controversia ridiculo?

It's some gargoyles. It is some
gargoyles. Some construction work.

Yes, he was restoring Spain's oldest
hotel, which is somewhere in Spain. I

it on a card here.

It's somewhere in one of these fucking
things.

Yes, it is in the... Yes, anyway.

He was... In the Hotel de Reis Católicos
in Santiago de Compostela.

And why, though, what was controversial
about it? There's a pipe now that they

added that looks like it... going into
the gargoyle's bum.

It does.

The gargoyle on the top, the gargoyle
there, for drain water to come out.

if you see it, it's like, I mean, the
gargoyle told doctors he just fell on

It's the way he's lifting up his cheeks.

He's actually got his head between his
legs.

Yeah, it's so shocking even he's having
a look. Yeah.

That wasn't there a week ago.

The architect said, if that's what
you're seeing, then you need to see a

psychiatrist. You think something weird?

You're the one who's weird if you see
something weird there.

What he's saying is that people are
saying it looks like a pipe is going

the gargoyle's arse, but he's saying,
no, a pipe is coming out of the

arse.

By the way, just so you know, he didn't
build the whole thing, right?

Just so you know, he may be being...
You're right that people are being a bit

sensitive now. We can show you what it
looked like before the architect did his

work, which is essential.

I think that's much worse. I feel that
as well. I feel that that's worse. If

anything, he's tidied it up a bit.

It is a common thing with gargoyles that
they do add pipes to get the water

away. To move the water away from the
building, yeah. But what's interesting

about the whole thing is... The whole
thing?

The whole thing, yeah.

It's the difference between a gargoyle
and a grotesque.

They're both sort of ornamental, but a
gargoyle is specifically when they're

used for drainage and rainwater comes
out through them, and a grotesque is

for... hosting a panel show. Whoa!

I mean, I could see it coming for a
while.

Well, they didn't.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Our next round is called Connections. In
this round, I'll throw the panel

pictures of two well -known figures and
ask them to work out how they might be

connected. So what connects former First
Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon

and US actor Morgan Freeman?

They're both in the England squad,
apparently.

Is it that Nicola's husband has recently
started watching the Shawshank

Redemption on repeat?

One was in deep impact, the other's in
deep shit.

Is it like both escape a burning house?

That's not going in. Why are you bumming
out the audience with your debt facts?

I mentioned it enough, I will.

Do they have the same dad?

He's here tonight.

They're both firmly in favour of
Scottish independence.

One of them hasn't declared a stance on
that. Judging by the look on their

faces, is it that they both found out
about Prince Andrew's glove auction a

late?

Dara's absolutely hating this. Come on,
Dara, take that pipe out of your arse

and enjoy yourself.

I'm just ready to give you the answer.

I am ready for you to give us the
answer. I know a weird fact about him.

Don't tell me. He'll break into your
house and murder your children.

No, it's something to do with, I heard
it ages ago, his house or his land is

declared as like a bee sanctuary.

A bee sanctuary?

Yeah, yeah.

You'd say, hey, you know, my house is a
bit of a beef sanctuary.

Or the club you open next door to, the
Gays of Hormuz.

Or the Gays of Hormuz. No, bee, bee,
bee.

Bee, not beef sanctuary.

Beef Sanctuary with a lot more... Oh,
Beef Sanctuary is a much better thing

ever. Come, come to me.

You'll be safe here.

I love that you just thought you'd heard
Chris Ramsey say Beef Sanctuary and

thought, yeah, that checks out.

Beef Sanctuary? How do you explain to
the beef this is a safe place? Where are

you going? Where are you going? No, no,
no!

You can express yourself here.

That's how you do vocal warm -ups for
the show. Morgan Freeman's Beef

So is it that neither of them have a
beef sanctuary?

and the entire rest of the global
population, nobody has ever had a beef

sanctuary. And when? When I do. When I
open my beef sanctuary.

Wow, what a great set of eyes that'll
be. Welcome to Darwin's Beef Sanctuary.

By day, ribs and steak. By night, the
pounding is disco tracks.

The correct answer is they both had
vocal coaching to deepen their voices.

Nicola Sturgeon from Sean Connery, who
told her how to slow down her speech and

make her voice deeper. Sean Connery
coached her?

Sean Connery coached her in how to
deepen her voice, yeah. And Morgan

initially, his voice for Trash Like
Redemption was very, Get busy living or

busy dying!

Yes, great, Morgan, we love it. Can we
do it again?

I remember the first time I met you.

You don't need your high -pitched voice
with an Irish accent.

I don't think Sean Connery's work is
showing in Nicola Sturgeon, because she

never, ever introduces herself as
Sturgeon.

Nicola.

Sean Connery gave her a rolled -up bit
of paper between her teeth and gave her

things to say, and this is how he had
learned to deepen his voice in acting.

What, a rolled -up piece of paper? Is it
the same rolled -up newspaper that Sean

Connery used to hit his wife with?

She's not escaping from a house fire any
time soon, is she?

Meanwhile,

what has a study revealed this week that
birds enjoy?

What is it? Is this like 1960s Cockney
news?

You're like, what do birds enjoy?

Shoes, they like shoes, don't they? They
like a napkin.

You take a picture, you buy them a
little slap of milk. They bloody love

don't they? They bloody love it.

Form a few ears.

I like this, man.

Stick one of them on each end of your
panel show in your lap.

I only bought a bloody camper van,
didn't I?

Yeah, it's gone to areas that we should
not follow up.

No, that is not what they enjoy.

This is an interesting story, because
they've found out, apparently, that they

like to pleasure themselves sexually,
masturbate. Yeah. Technical term. Yeah,

no, no, let's go all the Latin verbs.

They're even whining.

Bloody miniskirts, innit?

Are you thinking about... No, I'm
thinking about the king's fingers.

Does that mean that all the white stuff
in Trafalgar Square... You've made it

horrible now. It was nice. It was nice
for a second.

They're coming on statues.

Nelson's Column. Is that why it's called
Column?

Well, that's a good point. It's good
luck to have a boat pulling you. Is it

luck, even better luck?

I don't think so, no.

It's perfectly natural.

It's a natural thing. It's a natural
thing. We don't know what they're

about. We don't know what they're
wanting over.

It's a little bit like us.

It is basically that this is behaviour
that previously was being punished. That

people would actually bring their bird
to a vet and try to get the bird

They've said you can't, you shouldn't
punish them anymore. Shouldn't punish

anymore. Which I think, because do you
know how you punish a bird for

masturbating? How do you do it? You have
to send them to confession and then

they have to say three quail Mary's.

Can toddlers drive?

We put this four -year -old behind the
wheel of an Audi A3.

Will you make it round the course? Or
will you end up... at the fire?

Oh, my God!

Full fly just went on my head.

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow!

Massive enough to be a fly.

Oh, wow!

And it was on your face for ages! Excuse
me, David Admiral.

That wasn't a fly, Ed.

That was a bird, and looking at your
shirt, he'd just come all over you.

Is it a bird? Is it a... Oh, for fuck's
sake.

OK, will you both just say the phrase,
if you think that's bad, and you're

stopping your stop, we'll let you go for
it.

If you think that's bad... In the same
tone as

everything else you say.

Suddenly debuting a new character.

This week on Can Toddlers Drive, we put
a four -year -old behind the wheel of an

Audi A3. Will it make a round to a
course, or will it fuck me? Fuck, fuck!

You think that's bad? I got replaced on
a job that I'd done for free for

charity, and they re -filmed it with
Billy Piper because my camel toe was too

visible.

And if all you think you know how bad it
is, I was wearing a skirt.

I think it puts me in the Guinness Book
of Records, actually.

You think that's bad? I got sacked from
my job at the passport office for

laziness. Yeah, it was my job to... When
the expired passports came back, I had

to clip the ends off.

They called me and they said, have you
been cutting corners? I said, no. They

said, yeah, that's the problem.

I've come up with a show, guys.

You'll never guess what it's called.

This week on Cats...

Why has former Prince Andrew Mountbatten
-Windsor had a bad week?

He applied for a job as a netball coach.

LAUGHTER Yeah, I think that's bad. I got
sacked from my job as a set -piece

coach with a football team.

I was in charge of the free kicks and
stuff.

Laziness, again, they put me in and
said, have you been cutting corners?

LAUGHTER You think

that's bad? I got sacked from Muller.

LAUGHTER

One can in the staff room.

Is it how many people in the audience
are currently livid that Janine said

sports instead of sport?

I'll let her go, I'll let her go.

There's more than one sport.

Well,

then stop saying math.

My policies are green. My heart is
green. Cut me and I bleed green. I

very ill.

I think it's a World Cup question, isn't
it? It is.

I wanted the answer.

How many teams are left in the World
Cup? Thank you very much, Edward.

Yes. The question I was looking for
was... Stop it now.

Look, I'm doing a three and a two.

Oh, do you want the answer again? OK,
Grant. Just give us the answer again.

How many teams are left in the World
Cup? Thank you very much, Hugh.

No, no, no.

You genuinely need one that isn't
punctured with the word, oh, you cunt.

You want to answer it? No, you want to
answer it, yeah.

Is it how many teams are left in the
World Cup? You cunt.

And...

Ed, do you have the answer for any
chance?

Yes, how many teams are in the fucking
World Cup, mate?

I want to go home.

How many teams are left in the World
Cup? Absolutely right. Thank you very

Ed.

The testing I was looking for was how
many teams now remain at

the cunting World Cup.

Join us after the break.

Now we play a game called You Think
That's Bad.

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, this is a chance for a

performer to compete, to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

and I decide whose is the worst. Anyone
care to start us off? My girlfriend

recently told me she's got a daddy kink,
but now she keeps getting annoyed when

I turn down the heating and only text
back OK.

You think that's bad?

Me and my wife have started
communicating through the passive

exchange of mugs.

We talked to each other now. It starts
off kind of gentle, like, you'll get a

Mr. Messy mug for Christmas, she'll get
a Little Miss Scatterbrain mug for her

birthday, and the next thing you know,
you're drinking out of a mug with I hope

you spilled this on your balls written
on it.

I don't even know where you can buy a
mug with I could have married Arrow

Britain.

Wow.

You think that's bad? In my World Cup
sweepstake, I got that Somalian referee.

I didn't know about this round. It's
fun.

I like it.

I thought it was just sort of, oh, you
think that's bad and then you say a fun

bit, which it is, but I thought it was
just you share a sad bit from your life.

I've got loads of them. Yeah, I've just
written, this is genuinely true, came

third in a dog lookalike competition.

When I was, like, ten.

Yeah, oh, phew. OK, that's important.
Yeah, not now. Important context.

No, you'd smash it to death.

No.

It was so bad. It was, like, a day where
you could bring your pet into school,

and one of the games was, like, you can
come... So the first prize, like, a girl

had fully painted herself like her
Dalmatian, and then the second prize was

somebody who was in bunny ears and they
looked like their rabbit.

And then I could... It's such a core
memory. I can remember the teacher

and third place?

Maisie, I had a black Labrador at the
time.

And I was in jeans and a T -shirt.

And I had to stand there with a rosette.

Oh, no, you actually hadn't made any
effort at all.

I was just a 10 -year -old in jeans and
a T -shirt, and I'm one third for

looking like my dog.

I'm glad I've shared that.

You think that's bad?

I'm such a narcissist. I entered a
lookalike competition for myself and

instantly.

The cat's not great, is it? I feel like
he thinks the cat is a good look.

You have seen his hair, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

What did you think I asked for in the
salon?

They said it's helpful if you bring a
picture.

It was either that or a picture of your
dog.

Now we come to things we've got to see.
So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, I'll read out
this week's topic and see what our

panellists can come up with.

OK.

Here we go. The first subject is things
you don't want to hear from your party

guests.

OK, everyone, time to put the car keys
in the bowl. Not you two. Not you two.

OK, OK. Good news first.

you're about to save a fortune on dog
food.

I guess you're enjoying watching the
World Cup.

No?

Why have you got so many England flags?

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that
this guy came, like, stumbling down the

stairs, quite a short guy, and he was a
bit of a mess. He was wearing, like, a

one -piece.

Anyway, he was crying and asking for his
mum, so I put him in a taxi.

It's said to bring a dish, so here's a
commemorative plate of Prince Andrew's

wedding day.

Well, the dinner invites that arrive at
seven, so good morning!

OK, left hand blue.

That means I've sat on it long enough,
it'll feel like someone else is doing

Sorry, I've got a bit of a dicky tummy,
so I would give it a few minutes before

you go in your garden.

Is it OK if I park my car in your
garage, shut the garage door, sit in it

leave the engine on?

Harold Shipman's coming, is that all
right?

How about we play traitors?

OK, I'll go first. I think it's Janet,
because she's fucking my brother.

Sorry, the place is a fucking mess, but
thanks for having us.

Hello, thanks for having us. We know it
said bring your own booze, so... Boo!

OK, two truths and a lie.

I'm a Sagittarius, I love cats, and 9
-11.

Can you hold this while I have a piss?

It's my penis.

Oh, I've done you a favour, mate. It was
looking pretty full, so I've emptied

that massive ashtray you keep on the
mantelpiece.

OK, the next topic is unlikely things to
hear at the World Cup.

Well, there goes the whistle.

Give us back our whistle.

in a shootout, but we all knew the risks
hosting a World Cup in America.

Oh, and that's a terrible own goal for
Saudi Arabia. The manager has his head

his hands.

Whoever wins this gets the straight of
her mood.

England are just 90 minutes from the
victory.

What the fuck are they doing in
Portsmouth?

And a referee has consulted VAR and the
verdict is in. That thinks he's a wanker

too.

Welcome to the Men's World Cup.

Let's see who's in the England wall.

Bellingham, Kane, Saka Rice.

That's odd.

Are you allowed to use a sack of rice?

Well, the England players do have to be
careful as they sing the national

anthem. If enough of them accidentally
sing Queen, she will be summoned.

Well, you don't... see it very often,
but they've gone for a 1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1

-1 -1 -1 formation.

That is the Brazilian style.

And it's a pitch invasion, or as the
Americans call it, a

pitch regime change.

We are so glad this is in America.

remember Paul the octopus. We all
remember Achilles the cat. Well, this

we've got Oscar the tapeworm.

I'll just cross over these flags, see
which he pops out to pick, shall we?

So, America have a free kick now. The
Mexicans have formed a wall, but yes,

okay, America is going to make them pay
for it.

And the crowd are now chanting, he's
orange, he's got piles.

In the Epstein Files, it's Donald Trump.

It's Donald Trump.

Well, it is very difficult to see what
is happening from the commentary

because of the ticket price. We are in
rice lips.

The Slovenian unhappy with the
American's disgusting tackle, but

to marry him.

Well, this player is really already
being dubbed the next Maradona because

a fucking massive cokehead.

So we're just going to have to wait for
the singing of the FIFA anthem.

FIFA faux fan.

I smell the money of a football fan.

Fair enough for people talking about how
fat, bald and ugly you are. Why not

give them something else to talk about,
like perhaps... Your new glasses.