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1
00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:05,960
Not funny! I'm mortified.
No, you're mummified.
2
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,800
I wanna adopt. What?!
3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:08,880
LESBIAN!
4
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,840
THEY SCREAM
5
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:17,880
I'm a dad!
6
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,200
No-win-no-fee!
7
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,200
CRASHING
8
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:24,880
It's not the
brewery I wanna sue, it's dwarves.
9
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,000
HE SCREAMS
10
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:38,360
This programme contains
some strong language.
11
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:47,560
I suppose the worst thing
12
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:47,560
about the whole palaver has been
13
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:52,200
that I don't really know who I am
or if I have any friends left.
14
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,840
It just seems like I give and I give
and I give
15
00:00:54,840 --> 00:01:01,720
and I give and I give and I give
and I give and I give and I give...
16
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,360
You get the idea.
17
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,840
Am I unusual to want a little
bit of appreciation for what I do?
18
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,720
If you prick me, do I not go,
"Oi, don't prick me"?
19
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,760
SHE SIGHS
20
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:15,200
I thought I should come and
see someone for some advice.
21
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,880
You're my only hope.
What do you think, Alex?
22
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:25,280
ALEX! Alex! I've come to visit you.
23
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,960
Hm?
24
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:34,080
HE MOANS
25
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:34,080
It all started this morning.
26
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,920
Chris was worried about meeting
his son for the first time.
27
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,240
GAMES CONSOLE BEEPS
28
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,160
HIS VOICE IS HIGH PITCHED
29
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,160
So...!
30
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,200
HIS VOICE DEEPENS
31
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,200
So, sonny Jim,
32
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:50,040
you salsa? No. No?! Me neither!
33
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,840
So, what's with you? What's going on
in the life of Lewis?
34
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:58,800
What, pray tell,
little bon mot can we expect
to fall from your lips today?
35
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,880
Come here and tell your
old dad all about it.
36
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,400
Erm, well,
there's not much to tell, really.
37
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,440
Did a bit of school, bought some
clothes, watched a box set of Lost.
38
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:12,000
Didn't get it.
Fascinating. Fascinating. Yes.
39
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,680
So, how are your GCSEs coming along?
40
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,640
I'm brilliant!
I'm top in all my subjects.
41
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,520
Ah, jolly good. I knew you'd be
an academic like your old man.
42
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:24,680
Yeah, woodwork, metalwork...
History, English, mathematics...
43
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:28,000
I'm not gay. Right.
44
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:33,480
Erm, any thought about which
university you'd like to apply
for next year, fella-me-lad?
45
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,360
I'm getting a job.
46
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,640
As a barrister! Or a surgeon.
47
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,480
Or a... A plumber.
48
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:45,640
Jolly good... Yeah, it's good money
and you get to meet some really
lonely women.
49
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:49,600
If you know what I mean. It's good
to have ambition. Jolly good.
50
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,680
You like milk, don't you?
51
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,920
Yes, I do like milk!
52
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,640
Milky, milky, milk.
53
00:02:56,640 --> 00:03:00,920
Oh, milk! Milk.
54
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,320
Milk.
55
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,600
Anyway...
56
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,800
Milk, milk, milk, milk...
What are all these books for?
57
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,360
Ah, well, this'll interest you.
58
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,800
I'm doing a PhD. A what?
59
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,600
A thoroughly researched piece
of academic literature. A what?
60
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,480
Er, a big essay.
61
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,400
Oh, like a long story?
It's turning into one.
62
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,560
'How can I make myself
more interesting?
63
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,240
'What do teenage boys like?
64
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,480
'I wish I had breasts.'
65
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:41,120
This isn't working. I know.
I know, and it's all my fault.
66
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:45,440
I should've known not to invite
you here, you from your humble,
67
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:45,440
little estate,
68
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:50,280
me with my elite intelligence and
exquisite taste
in cashmere scarves, you with your
69
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:55,160
computer games and working-class
aspirations, me with my academia
70
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:55,160
and pursuits of higher matters.
71
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,160
It doesn't work!
72
00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:01,560
I realise now it'll never work.
Never.
73
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,680
I meant that the Xbox was broken.
74
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:15,200
SHE GIGGLES
75
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:15,200
He came to me for advice.
76
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:18,200
What else could I do but
help out a friend in need?
77
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,800
I told him, "You need something to
pique his interest."
78
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,640
"Take him to the museum."
79
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,840
All kids love dinosaurs.
80
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,120
Except kids from
the Jurassic period.
81
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,480
Bet they hated the buggers.
82
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,240
I am extremely grateful.
83
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,640
Here is my cashmere scarf. You
may borrow it whenever you please.
84
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,520
And do take time to
laugh at my willy.
85
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,760
Anyway,
86
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,760
he must've done something wrong.
87
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,080
I can only imagine what.
88
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,600
And this is a dinosaur!
89
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,480
Arrrgh!
90
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,640
Urrgh! Quick!
91
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,000
Run! I think it's gonna eat us.
92
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,040
Ruaaarrrrgh!
93
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,520
Will you stop it?
You're embarrassing me.
94
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,480
Oh, don't be silly, sonny Jim.
95
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,480
HE BURPS
96
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,920
That's OK, he's on day release.
I'm his carer.
97
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,720
Dad, this is not the type of thing
I thought we'd be doing together.
98
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,040
It's a bit...
Well, it's a bit boring.
99
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,760
Urgh?!
100
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,080
I think you were right.
101
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,800
This isn't a good idea.
102
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,360
We don't have nothing in common.
103
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,560
I just think I should go back to my
life and you should go back to yours.
104
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,600
I mean, we were happy
enough, weren't we?
105
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:53,680
Yeah, but I thought after this
we could go to the library
and then go feed the ducks.
106
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,360
And I was gonna suggest McDonalds.
107
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,360
HE SNORES
108
00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:01,760
Yeah, but, erm, I'm ethically
opposed, anyway, so... Right.
109
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,720
HE SIGHS
110
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,720
Look, let's just go
back to the flat, yeah?
111
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,600
Where that slag is?
Yeah, where that slag is.
112
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,480
Nice one, Dad!
113
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:22,120
Anyway, Chris messed up that one,
so I came up with another
114
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:26,760
brilliant plan, one that was sure
to succeed, because it involved me.
115
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,400
I kindly told him to get involved
with what his son was interested in.
116
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,160
Get involved with what Lewis
likes, you moon-faced dweeb.
117
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,280
Well, he likes skating.
And I could come too.
118
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:40,920
Oh, that's really kind! Yeah,
someone a bit closer to his own age.
119
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,360
Yes. Plus, he's fit.
120
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:43,440
He's 16!
121
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:47,000
If there's grass on the wicket,
let's play cricket.
122
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:53,440
Old enough for employment,
old enough for enjoyment.
123
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,480
Old enough to ride a moped,
old enough to ride a bike.
124
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,440
Ooh, yeah!
125
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,920
Catchin' some tube!
126
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,920
Can I have my board back now, please?
127
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,880
Hi, Son! Dad!
128
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:18,600
You could've just watched me! Yes,
and me! I'm quite the wheel master.
129
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,800
Oh, no, Son. Your dad takes an
interest in your pursuits.
130
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,360
Watch this.
131
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,520
Ooh, yeah!
132
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,880
Gnarly!
133
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,040
Ooh, yeah!
134
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:54,760
You know what, Dad? You're actually
all right. Oh, thanks, Son.
135
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,440
No, you wanna see a real skater?
136
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,800
Watch this.
137
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,680
THEY GROAN
138
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,840
HE GROANS
139
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,840
Michelle!
140
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,320
THEY LAUGH
141
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,000
For some reason, he's not
speaking to me any more.
142
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,880
Weird!
143
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:35,080
But then, Jenny isn't speaking
to me either.
144
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,000
HE GROANS
145
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,000
Arrgh! You b...!
146
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,640
Oh, yes, thank you,
perfectly comfortable.
147
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:44,080
She was already in a peculiar mood
before I even went into Bar Salade
148
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:47,040
for my morning fat-free,
wheat-free, gluten-free muffin
149
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,440
with a side of croissants.
150
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:52,640
Jenny was making the most
dreadful moaning noise.
151
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,320
Hello, there, y'wee,
sleekit, tim'rous beastie.
152
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,000
Och, aye, tam o'shanter,
there's been a murrrder.
153
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,120
Hello, Jenny.
154
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,560
All reet, doll? I'll cheb youse if
you boke in there,
155
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,000
you bufty fanny boys!
156
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:13,760
Can we turn down the whole Scottish
thing? It's getting a bit...
157
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,280
Your voice is a tad...
158
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,920
Basically,
my ears are about to bleed.
159
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,720
Are you disrespecting my heritage?
160
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,920
Yes. You see, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.
161
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:26,080
To me, that just sounded like...
IMITATES A SCOTTISH ACCENT
162
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,760
D'you want me to kill you? Is that
the only possible explanation?
163
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,360
D'you want me to leap right
o'er this bar and make ye die?
164
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,880
See, that's much better.
I can understand you now.
165
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,400
So far, so lovely, right?
166
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,400
HE GROANS
167
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,320
Oh. Here, have some more morphine.
168
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:50,200
Anyway, the happy mood I'd worked so
hard to create
169
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,040
seemed to alter
as soon as Grant came in.
170
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,280
Hello, sailor.
171
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,360
Thirsty? Mm. Thanks, Jenny.
172
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,720
Y'know, I'm splashing out today.
173
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,800
I'll go for a pint....
174
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,440
Of orange juice.
175
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,480
With a slice of lemon,
cos I'm a-feelin' zingy!
176
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,920
Well, if he fancied something
wet and alcoholic,
177
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,920
he's come to
the right girl, hasn't he, Jen?
178
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:20,000
May I say, Grant, what a
smashing tie you're wearing today?
179
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,080
It's very...erotic.
180
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:27,240
There's pictures of
tiny solicitors on it.
181
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:33,080
Solicitors make me...rampant.
182
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,840
So, Jenny,
183
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,320
you looking forward
to our date tonight?
184
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:39,840
WHAT?!
185
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,040
You know, they say in one
moment your whole life can change.
186
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,360
In one second.
187
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,840
You could do the tiniest,
most incongruous thing
188
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,040
and it could
alter someone's life ever after.
189
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,920
MONITOR BEEPS
190
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:03,520
MONITOR FLAT LINES
191
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:03,520
Ooh! Where does this plug in? Oh.
192
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,240
Probably not important.
193
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:08,840
So that's how I felt.
194
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,080
No? Oh.
195
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:19,360
But I was calm, in control.
I hid my feelings the best I could.
196
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,080
I have no idea how
either of you could do this to me!
197
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:26,280
We were meant to be friends!
Well, that's it. I'm crossing you
both off my Christmas-card list!
198
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:30,680
It was gonna be a good one, as
well, this year, one from Moonpig
with me on the front doing this.
199
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:38,000
And inside it was gonna say, "Have
a velly Michelly Christmas and a
200
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:38,000
happy Booth year." But now...!
201
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,920
Now I can't even bring myself
to look at the pair of you!
What were you thinking?!
202
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,360
You've totally destroyed
our friendship and trust. I hate
you! You're scum!
203
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,800
MONITOR FLAT LINES
204
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,800
So you see, they
totally overreacted.
205
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,360
No... Ohhh!
206
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,960
Jenny, cancel the orange.
I gotta go back to work.
207
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,480
Michelle? For God's sake, grow up.
208
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:06,480
Michelle, I'm not entirely
sure what you're so upset about.
209
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,920
You're no' with him. You made it
clear you don't wanna be with him.
210
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,080
This situation does not involve you.
211
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:16,320
We're two people who get along
spending an hour or two getting
212
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:16,320
to know each other a bit better.
213
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,040
I'm not marrying him!
214
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,320
I cannae be more lucid than that.
215
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,600
I have no idea
what she meant by that.
216
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:29,560
Anyway, their date was
this afternoon, after work.
217
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:35,960
And I didn't mean to interfere, but,
well, I guess I just care too much.
218
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,800
If I see a dog in the street
and it was ill and old,
219
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,840
I would happily kick it to
death to put it out of its misery,
220
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,520
because I care.
221
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,880
If a charity collector knocks
at my door asking for money for
some disease I'm never gonna get,
222
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:55,680
I'll tell them they're wasting
their time, because I care.
223
00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:00,120
And what I did next
I did because I care.
224
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,600
Before you say it, I don't have time
to be involved in any of your dramas.
225
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,200
I've got to get this contract
exchanged and all the money
226
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,800
to Humphrey & Barclay by five. Or
you'll lose the client?
227
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:21,360
No, Are You An Egghead's on BBC
Two then, and I really wanna find
out if I am.
228
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:25,200
But... But... But...
229
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,920
Grant, I need to speak to you!
230
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,680
Look, when Jenny kissed you
last night when she was drunk,
231
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,320
I was a tad upset.
232
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:40,920
You threatened to stretch my gonads
over a bongo and play the Robin
Hood overture.
233
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,480
But this is worse. This is a
conscious betrayal!
234
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:48,440
Neither of you are drunk,
and it's broad daylight, so you
could see what each other look like.
235
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:52,800
I mean, why would you do this to me?
What is your actual problem
with me seeing Jenny?
236
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:57,240
Who said this had anything
to do with you seeing Jenny? You
237
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:57,240
did, three seconds ago.
238
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:01,840
Well, I can't be expected
to remember everything. It's just...
It's sick is what it is, Grant!
239
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,840
It just confuses everything!
240
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,240
Michelle, we've given
each other enough chances.
241
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:10,160
We've had enough goes at this, at us.
242
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:15,600
I think it's time we faced facts - we
243
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:15,600
can't be romantically involved
244
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,640
because I'm a dickhead.
245
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,400
OK, he didn't say that.
246
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,520
..because you're a dickhead.
247
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:26,320
Y'know,
just be a friend and wish me well.
248
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:31,320
What has she got that I haven't?
249
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:31,320
It's got nothing to do with comparing
one person against another.
250
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,280
But what is it? What has she got?!
251
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,400
Nicer hair, teeth?
Is she a WiFi point? What? OK, fine.
252
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:40,520
I'm loath to admit it, but there are
some things she has that you lack.
253
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,200
I knew it!
254
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,640
I bet she stole them from me. Is it
my Barney the dinosaur Beanie Baby?
255
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,760
Because I haven't seen him
around so much recently.
256
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,680
If Jenny and Grant were to have
babies they'd end up with this
257
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,680
weird Celtic monster.
258
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,480
They'd end up with Lorraine Kelly.
259
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,480
Jenny's so...
260
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,680
"Ha ha ha ha"...
And you're so "eh-er"....
261
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,760
Grant, I'm going to need words.
262
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,360
God, sometimes you can be so...
263
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,520
Phlp...oooh.
264
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:18,960
OK, well
you're quite neurotic and Jenny is
so happy-go-lucky, so carefree.
265
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,000
I'm not neurotic.
266
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,760
Am I? Do you think I'm neurotic?
267
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:27,840
Is that what people say about me?
Who's been saying that about me?
Michelle. And I can be carefree.
268
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:32,480
# Woah... Bodyform!
Bodyform for you. #
269
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,000
Jenny just doesn't care
what people think about her.
270
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,560
She does what feels right.
Michelle...
271
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,760
I don't care what people think!
Check me out!
272
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,360
Stop it, just stop that, Michelle!
273
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,760
You'll attract bummers.
274
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,640
She's just...
275
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,600
Michelle, she's just not you, OK?
276
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,720
I need... Ow!
277
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:59,880
I mean that's a tough
one really, isn't it?
278
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,240
How the hell am I
supposed to be not like me?
279
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,160
I am me.
280
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:10,200
But then I thought if what he
likes is someone like Jenny,
281
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,440
then why not just
like, be like Jenny?
282
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,000
Och aye!
283
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,280
IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: How are you,
Jenny?
284
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:30,760
Good God, it's like Super
Gran mated with Alex Ferguson.
285
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,120
Huff. What are you doing?
286
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:40,080
Where are you dressed like that?
Why are you talking like that? We're
doomed.
287
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,920
You wee gradge.
I hate the English.
288
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:48,080
Yeah, I agree with all three
points, Michelle, but see what's
going on, are you taking the piss?
289
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,600
No.
290
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,440
How do you like them apples?
291
00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:00,680
What are you doing?
I can be as good as you, I can.
I can be what Grant wants.
292
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:05,960
Oh, for goodness sake, Michelle,
why are you so fixated on me going
out with Grant? I'm not, I'm just...
293
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,600
You're just jealous. It's
really pathetic. I'm not jealous!
294
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,520
All right, maybe not jealous but...
295
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,240
you don't want him.
You make each other unhappy.
296
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,080
He's moving on, he's dating.
297
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,960
Why do you have to be such
a dog in the manger? A what?
298
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:25,560
You know, a dog couldn't eat the hay
but didn't want the cows to get
it, so it lay in the manger?
299
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,520
Ah, it's another one of
your Scottish myths...
300
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:32,880
Like the Loch Ness Monster
or haggis or Lulu.
301
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,080
Michelle, when are you going
to learn to be a grown-up?
302
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:39,480
When are you going to learn to be a
grown-up? Where's Grant?
303
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,960
He's coming in a bit and I don't want
you doing anything to spoil our date.
304
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:47,920
He's a nice guy. We're going
to share a nice bottle of wine,
305
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,000
maybe have another snog.
306
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,480
Oh! I was literally that shocked.
307
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,720
But I considered what she said.
308
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,000
I mean, it did sort of make sense.
309
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,560
You know, from what I could decipher
from her impenetrable accent.
310
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,640
I thought to myself,
am I not growing up?
311
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,280
Am I destined to remain 18 forever?
312
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,040
Ha ha ha ha.
313
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,800
22 forever? Ha ha!
314
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:19,120
Am I destined to
remain immature forever?
315
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,920
Am I incapable of growing up?
316
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:26,560
I decided to make one huge leap,
to show that I could act
maturely to the situation.
317
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:30,120
I decided to
let them go on their date.
318
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,720
You could at least react.
319
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:39,360
That was dramatic news. I sacrificed
myself for my friend's happiness.
320
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,040
But then I got to thinking...
321
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,040
HE MUMBLES
322
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,320
What would their date be like?
323
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:56,480
One Welsh, spiky-haired sensitive,
one Scottish, cheap
shoes caber tossing.
324
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:00,320
Could they survive an
actual conversation together?
325
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,560
What the hell would they talk about?
326
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:12,080
I hate the English.
I too hate the English.
327
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,120
Except Michelle, she rocks.
Yes, except Michelle, I agree.
328
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,120
Jenny,
do you like any of the following?
329
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:22,400
Leeks, legal documentation, Judge
John Deed, the name Aled,
330
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,880
Harry Seacombe, How Green Was My
Valley, lamb or casual incest?
331
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,680
I don't.
332
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:34,240
Grant, do you like shortbread, Take
The High Road, drinking till you
pass out, a flinging of any sort,
333
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,600
Highland or otherwise?
No. We have nothing in common.
334
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,080
Michelle was right.
We shall never speak again.
335
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:44,320
Agreed. Hey
guys, women's studies, psychobabble.
336
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:50,080
So you see,
that's why I did what I did.
337
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,240
I had to stop then, didn't I?
338
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,880
Are you comfortable like that?
339
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,760
HE MOANS
340
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,720
SHE SIGHS
341
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:03,120
I mean it must have
been a disaster before I got there.
342
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,960
THEY LAUGH
This has been all right hasn't it?
343
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:09,000
Yes. In the field of dating
I think we did pretty well.
344
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,760
You were slightly above
average and I didn't fart.
345
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,600
To me, that's a good date.
So what made you ask me out?
346
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:21,240
I just thought I don't really know
you that well and you seemed nice
347
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:21,240
and you serve me coffee regularly.
348
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,280
Really? Do you fancy me?
349
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,280
That's a difficult one, you see.
350
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,120
There are many contributing factors.
351
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:35,160
Many different and opposing
conclusions one can draw from
because... Because you don't.
352
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,600
Less than I fancy Richard Madeley.
Oh, you!
353
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,200
It's OK, don't worry,
you're not my type either.
354
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,040
I enjoy your company.
We should do this again.
355
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,760
Oh yes, definitely. You're fun.
Well thanks.
356
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:51,480
Next time maybe you could invite
Michelle along because I think she's
getting a bit... BOTH: Michelley.
357
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:56,360
I know. Stop this outrage at once!
358
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:59,440
I cannot tolerate this behaviour
359
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:59,440
any longer. What behaviour?
360
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,920
You rats of gutter rats.
361
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:06,040
Leering over each other and
groping each other and
slobbering into each other's craw.
362
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:09,360
What's a craw? I'm not sure,
that's why I didn't deny it.
363
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:16,360
You Grant, are weak,
feeble-minded and only dating her
to prove you were over me.
364
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:22,760
Does that not indeed prove that
you are not indeed over me? Indeed!
I love that crazy bint.
365
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,240
And you,
are a drunk harridan of low moral
366
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,920
standing that isn't fit to lick
the mattress of a serial bed wetter!
367
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,600
Hold on now. I think you
368
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,600
had better calm down, Michelle.
369
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,760
But maybe I'm wrong,
maybe you suit each other.
370
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,480
Other curious pairings have worked.
371
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:43,480
Antony and Cleopatra,
Romeo and Juliet, Des and Mel.
372
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:51,880
So go on, procreate, get married!
Make little Celtic children with
horns and beards, see if I care.
373
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,440
Maybe we will. Maybe we will.
374
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,960
Oh, well good.
375
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,520
Maybe Jenny,
376
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,280
maybe I'll steal the man
you are supposed to be with.
377
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,320
I'm going to visit Alex.
378
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,080
Bless her. I know.
379
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,800
That's what brought me here.
380
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,960
I thought you might
understand more than anyone.
381
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:22,040
I didn't
and I thought I could talk to you
because you have no way of escaping.
382
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,160
SHE SIGHS
383
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,160
Alex, I've lost everyone.
384
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,480
I have destroyed Chris's
relationship with his son
385
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:30,760
and insulted Jenny and made a
fool of myself in front of Grant.
386
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,440
I've only got you left, Alex.
387
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,600
What the hell am I going to do?
388
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,720
Who the fuck is Alex?
389
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:44,880
Oh, my God! I have been pouring
my heart out to a total stranger!
390
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,280
Pouring your heart out? Moaning
about insignificant things,
391
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,560
proving yourself
to be a fatuous narcissist.
392
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,680
Still nice tits. I know.
393
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,640
There's only one thing for it.
394
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,800
I'm going to have to
395
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,440
apologise to all of them!
396
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:10,080
Have you learnt nothing
from our time together?
397
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,720
That was dramatic news. React.
398
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,920
I knew I'd see the
funny side in the end.
399
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:29,160
Get this, his girlfriend,
Kylie Anne Jamie Phillis
is eight weeks pregnant.
400
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:32,680
Isn't that brilliant, in a BBC
Three documentary sort of way?
401
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:37,800
SHE LAUGHS
402
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:37,800
You're a granddad. Oh, bugger!
403
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,160
I think it's nice. Thanks, Grant.
404
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,800
If you ever need to get taken to
the toilet or run out
405
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,640
of Werther's Originals, you know
where we are. Shut up.
406
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:50,720
Guess what Lewis wants to call it?
Are they going to call it Chris?
407
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,880
No, John.
Looks like we've all had a good day.
408
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,040
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, how
was the big date? Did you?
409
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,960
Can we just move away from him?
410
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:06,440
We decided we didn't fancy
each other. There's no
physical attraction whatsoever.
411
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,960
No, quite right, you're both idiots.
412
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,760
Where's Michelle by the way?
413
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,800
She says something
about going to visit Alex.
414
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,560
I would have gone too but
hospitals scare me.
415
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:18,440
The whole dying and illness
tends to do that.
416
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,560
No, it's just I slept with
a surgeon once, creepy.
417
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:25,440
Kept complimenting my superior
kidneys and cervic buoyancy.
418
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:30,160
People, people of Bar Salade!
419
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:33,560
Oh, good, Stalin is here.
420
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,720
You three, listen to me.
421
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,840
I have something to say and it may
change the way you see me for ever.
422
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,640
She's a man, I knew it.
423
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,160
My bet is she's not
a natural blonde.
424
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,520
THEY LAUGH
425
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,560
I have come to realise that I have
misbehaved in the most appalling
426
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,520
and friendship destroying way.
427
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,200
I am here to beg
for your forgiveness.
428
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,000
You, Chris...
429
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,520
I ruined your
relationship with your son,
430
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,640
shattered the thin chard of a
bond that existed between you.
431
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:09,480
And Jenny, your only chance of
happiness,
432
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:14,720
the only man that could
make you happy, I devastated that.
433
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:20,880
And Grant,
poor, pathetic, spiky head Grant.
434
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:25,600
What kind of monster
must I have been to be so cruel.
435
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,640
You may hide your pain
behind alcohol and cheap shoes,
436
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:33,120
but I know that the three of you
have gathered here today to console
437
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:37,600
each other in what must surely
be the worst day of your lives.
438
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,960
The day Michelle destroyed you.
439
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,560
I'm really not
that bothered, Michelle.
440
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:49,040
I'm quite used to you
being self-indulgent and
pompous, I quite like it.
441
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,720
You've done nothing to me, hen,
really.
442
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,600
I enjoy it when you go mental.
443
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,800
I have bets with the other
bar staff on who has the most
self obsessed blonde friend.
444
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,920
You've actually made
me quite a lot of money. Me and
Lewis are fine.
445
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,400
We've accepted our differences and
are gonna get to know each other.
446
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,400
It's fine.
447
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:08,440
You did this without me? Yes.
448
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,320
Grant and I figured we can be mates.
449
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:16,080
We just didn't fancy each other.
450
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:16,080
Without me?! Well, yes.
451
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,720
Oh, and governments rise and fall,
452
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:24,600
people live and die and shock-horror,
the world keeps turning without you!
453
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,760
Why wasn't I informed about this?
454
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:31,200
That means I'm...insignificant.
455
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,560
No it doesn't, doll,
it just means you're normal.
456
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:37,240
You're just a person in
the world who exists.
Come on and have a drink.
457
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,160
Oh my God, this is devastating.
458
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:44,480
This is the worst news I have ever
heard. I don't make a difference?
459
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,520
No, you're really pretty dull.
460
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,120
I am not dull.
461
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:54,440
I am very important and influential
and I'll prove it to you!
462
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,320
I'm going to be famous.
463
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,720
What for, dramatic walk-outs?
464
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:06,080
I, Michelle Booth, am going to be
famous for...shouting!
465
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,120
Michelle Booth, has been
chosen to appear on...
466
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:14,040
Big Brother!
467
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:15,160
Holy mackerel.
468
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,800
Tiptoe through the window,
by the window, there as well.
469
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,600
I want to take
responsibility for Lewis regardless.
470
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:22,520
SHE SCREAMS
471
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:27,480
I have a lump on my ball!
472
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,160
Sorry, can't stop,
looking for a flatmate.
473
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,400
Hey Chris,
can't stop, I might have cancer. Oh.
474
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,280
You can't leave, I'd miss you.
475
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,280
Have you ever thought how
great it would be to live together?
476
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,600
Chris, my darling, yes,
yes, 1000 times, yes.
477
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,240
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478
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