Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,720
You're unadventurous in the sack!
2
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,720
Not having had a threesome
doesn't make you boring in bed.
3
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,440
I've learnt that if you're gonna
4
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,440
have a threesome,
5
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:11,320
do it with your best friends.
6
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,840
Well, this is nice.
The three of us.
7
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,680
Surprise, Chris! I'm earl...
8
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:21,720
This programme contains adult humour.
9
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,840
Late! Late! Late! Late! Late!
10
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,440
Late! Late! Late! Late! Late! Late!
11
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,400
Ahhhh.
Late! Late! Late! Late! Late! Late!
12
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,480
Now, this might be my imagination,
but are you late? Tiny bit!
13
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,600
You're always late.
Grant doesn't care.
14
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,840
Yes, but we've got this new legal
secretary
15
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,520
and she's really horrible to me.
16
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,920
I don't deserve that
because I'm adorable.
17
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,240
You've got underpants
stuck on your back.
18
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,920
Who the hell do these belong to?
19
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,920
Skid marks?
20
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,680
No.
21
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,280
Not mine.
22
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,600
What are you writing? Oh, it's
an assignment for women's studies.
23
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,080
I can't fail it or the women
in my group will pick on me.
24
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,080
They already hate me
for having a willy.
25
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,560
I'm drawing on Germaine Greer, Mary
Wollstonecraft and June Sarpong.
26
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,640
Wonderfully boring!
Late! Late! Late!
27
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,920
Hey, the new recruit. Hope
28
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,920
everybody's helping you to settle in.
29
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,080
Oh, yeah. I was having trouble
getting Barry
30
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:33,240
from IT to set up my computer
but I sorted it.
31
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,440
What, you complained to personnel?
No, I just did this!
32
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,720
Ahh.
33
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,320
Right.
34
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:45,320
So that's where I'm going wrong.
Now, anything for me? Oh, erm.
35
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,200
Just a couple of files to go back.
36
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,960
Fine.
Oh, and out of interest, Mr Grant...
37
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,160
When are you intending on
putting something big,
38
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,080
thick and hard into my inbox?
39
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,480
Excuse me, pardon, sorry, what?
40
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,680
Oh, come on,
I'm your legal secretary.
41
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,520
Dic-tation is my forte.
42
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,840
I'm trained to take things down
whenever you open your mouth.
43
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,280
Christy?
What? Are you flirting with me?
44
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,680
Maybe. Knew it!
45
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,240
See I'm usually rubbish at
picking up the signs,
46
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,280
but this time
it just felt different.
47
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,800
Oh, come on, you're not telling me
you don't want to go back to yours
48
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,560
right now and shag like animals?
49
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:32,080
Well, now that would depend entirely
on what kind of animal you meant.
50
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:36,120
See, the male hippo poos
himself immediately prior to sex.
51
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,560
And to be quite
honest with you Christy,
52
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,400
I'm really not into that any more.
53
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,720
Ooh! Take me! Take me now!
54
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,320
Whoa, OK, Christy.
55
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,080
I can't do this. Really?
56
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:55,720
Look, you seem like a really smart,
very nice, slightly forward girl.
57
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,840
It's just not my style.
58
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:01,080
I'm not the type of bloke
who goes around
59
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:04,960
sleeping with girls before the first
date. Fine, let's go for a drink.
60
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,880
But only if you promise that we're
at it like rabbits straight after.
61
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:12,320
Deal. Now, when you say rabbits...
62
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:12,320
Angoran or Flemish Giant?
63
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,480
Michelle. Late again.
I know, I'm sorry!
64
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:22,000
I've just had one of those mornings
where everything keeps going wrong
65
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:22,000
and just when you think...
66
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,920
You've got underpants stuck to your
back. See?!
67
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:29,000
Where are they even coming from?
Well, I'm afraid this calls for a
68
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:29,000
formal disciplinary.
69
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,360
Oh, no! Please, please,
please, don't tell me off!
70
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:36,040
I'll deal with this later.
As soon as you've got those
71
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:36,040
files back to Denton Barclay.
72
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,680
SHE GASPS
73
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,680
This is the worst day of my life.
74
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,880
It's such hard work being a martyr.
75
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:46,280
Mother Teresa had it
easy with those leopards.
76
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,320
'This is the worst day of my
life...'
77
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,480
'Could this day get any worse?'
78
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,720
'And the answer is, yes.
79
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,560
'Who the hell
actually throws rotten tomatoes?'
80
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,080
'Oh, comes round quicker every
year.'
81
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,280
Bus! Bus, bus, bus, bus, bus, bus!
82
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,400
Bus, bus, bus, bus, bus!
83
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:44,560
Ahem. Excuse me. Yes, I know,
I've got poo in my hair, I'm covered
84
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:44,560
in tomatoes and I smell of bins.
85
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,160
We've all been there, right?
Erm, I'm pregnant.
86
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,600
Ah, congratulations! Look at that...
87
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:54,120
Perfectly good pair of Dior heels
ruined. That's four quid I'll
never get back. I want your seat.
88
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,160
And I want David Attenborough
to be me dad. Them's the breaks.
89
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,360
Look, are you going to
give me your seat or not?
90
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,720
Me? What about her?
91
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,840
What? Oh, look I'm only on
for a couple of stops.
92
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,640
I've had a really bad day and I
93
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,640
just want to sit down and fix my
94
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,640
shoe...
95
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,280
That's it. Driver! Stop the bus!
OK, you know what...
96
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,680
I'M pregnant. Yeah, you heard.
And guess what, it's twins.
97
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,520
And my two babies need to sit down
98
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,720
more than your rubbish little one
baby.
99
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,680
Michelle. Oh, my God Michelle!!
100
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:27,640
Jenny? Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God! When did this happen?!
101
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,680
Oh, I'm about...six weeks gone.
102
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,640
So, pretty bloody pregnant.
103
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:37,920
Yep. Feel sick, fat hands,
plus I've got mood swings. Really?
104
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,400
Piss off, Jenny!
I love you, Jenny. See?
105
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,760
How exciting! And don't talk to me
about cravings.
106
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,080
In fact, don't suppose anyone's
got any charcoal? Oh, yeah, hold on.
107
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,960
Great. That's...great.
108
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,600
So, what did your mum and dad say?
109
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:03,480
Erm...well...thing is...
110
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,720
RINGS BELL
111
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,720
Oh, my stop! Ta, ta!
112
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,760
I'll see you later, potato.
113
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,200
You just called that woman a potato.
114
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,080
Yeah, well, I am gonna peel her,
mash her and cover her with gravy.
115
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:26,360
And she likes being treated
like that? Yes, especially
116
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:26,360
the gravy, it's thirsty work.
117
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:28,840
See, this just proves my thesis.
118
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,160
Contemporary women may think they're
emancipated and equal
119
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,600
but in actual
fact they're just, you know...
120
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,160
potatoes. Well,
you say potato, I say tit wank.
121
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,880
Big news guys! Big news!
122
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:44,600
Does it involve some kind of
flesh-eating virus that can only be
cured by a large dose of my penis?
123
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,800
No.
Well, then frankly I'm not bothered.
124
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,040
Michelle's pregnant!
125
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,280
GLASS SMASHES
126
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,280
BOTH: Is it mine?
127
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,960
What? Sorry. What I meant was, ARGH!
Is it mine?
128
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,000
To be honest, she didn't say.
129
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,600
Well, I'm not bothered.
Nah, me neither.
I'd love it to be my baby.
130
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,760
Yeah, me too. I'm gonna be sick.
I'll see you in there.
131
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,120
What you writing? Is that poetry?
132
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,320
Is it about me? Is it? Is it?!
133
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,000
Is it?
No, no, it's just a little old essay
134
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,320
on how the modern woman is no more
developed than she was 20 years ago.
135
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,600
Chris, that's ridiculous. Is it?
136
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,800
Yes! 20 years ago I was a B-cup,
now look at me.
137
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,040
Don't mock. It's a serious piece.
138
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,240
Made all the more
difficult because I'm a man.
139
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,840
Sometimes I think the women on my
course resent me. Because you're a
140
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,840
man?!
141
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,680
No, because I'm the only one who
doesn't need to shave every day.
142
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,320
Well, I think sexism's a myth.
143
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:33,840
What?!
144
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:37,880
In my 23 years I can honestly say
I've never once encountered sexism.
145
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,280
Jenny you're a bird...
Go and clean the bogs.
146
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,560
Michelle!
147
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:53,320
OK, Chris, before you ask, no I have
not just noshed-off a coal miner.
148
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,960
Sit down.
149
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,280
Let me make you something to eat.
150
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,840
I'm not hungry.
151
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,480
Turns out charcoal's really filling.
152
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,640
Just don't come near
me with an open flame.
153
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:08,920
Ooh! Wait... Why are you being so
kind to me? Is it my birthday?
154
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:11,840
Am I terminally ill?
You're cheating on me!
155
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:17,560
Michelle, we're not going out. Now
you're dumping me! Michelle, Jenny
156
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:17,560
told me about the...
157
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,800
Fact that I like to
cradle my breasts?
158
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,560
The baby! Ah, the baby.
159
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,840
Hmm. Yeah, the thing about that...
160
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:29,080
I want you to know, I'll look after
you. I'll do whatever you want.
161
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:30,840
Chris, I'm not actually...
162
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,120
When you say, 'Whatever I want...'
163
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,000
I mean it. I mean it.
164
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,840
I need to know.
The baby. Is it mine?
165
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:42,440
Chris, you don't need to worry.
It's not your baby. Ah! Thank God!
166
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,120
What do you mean 'Thank God?'.
167
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:48,560
Sorry. I just don't have
time for a baby right now. I'm too
busy writing this.
168
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:52,400
I understand. For a long time I
felt like I had a book inside me.
169
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,480
Turns out it was just
a rolled-up magazine.
170
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:59,720
Listen Chris,
about this whole pregnancy thing.
171
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:04,800
I feel really bad... Then don't
move! I'll make you a cup of tea.
172
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:04,800
No, I can't let you do that.
173
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,920
It's immoral, not to mention
unfair and exploitative...
174
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,400
Then I'll tidy your room.
Milk and two sugars.
175
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,400
So. Did you hear the big news?
176
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,240
Michelle's pregnant.
177
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,240
What?! But...
178
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,840
Oh, my word that's amazing.
179
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,240
She could have told
me before anyone else.
180
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:28,120
I can't believe it... Finally,
all my dreams have come true.
181
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,640
I can stop worrying and settle down
and we'll raise the child with
values
182
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,960
and morals and they'll be
beautiful and...
183
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,320
Yeah, because you're definitely the
only one around here who's blown
184
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,080
his beans up Michelle in
the last three months.
185
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,120
You had to go and
spoil it, didn't you?
186
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,040
Face it, it could be anyone's...
187
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,680
You, Chris, Alex.
188
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,760
Him, him, him...
189
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,240
Not him.
190
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:57,040
Jesus. It's like the
tadpole Olympics in there
191
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,840
or the cum-onwealth games.
192
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,880
Well, good luck. Swim, boyos! Swim!
193
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,480
Yeah, boyos, bloody well swim.
194
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,800
Aw! Is Alex a lickle bit scared of
parenthood?
195
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:13,360
Yes, it was a terrible film. But I'm
more scared of this flipping baby.
196
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,000
You're overreacting.
I'm serious! I hate babies.
197
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,000
I've always been scared of them.
198
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,120
I see. You're scared of
babies because of what they represent
199
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,920
in terms of commitment and your
fears of growing older?
200
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:27,640
Yeah! And because they all
look like William Hague.
Creepy little bald bastards!
201
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,160
See? This is more like it.
A nice quiet drink,
202
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,560
getting to know each other a bit
first.
203
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:35,080
Yeah.
204
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,160
Well, I'm done, let's screw!
205
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,400
Woah, Christy, slow down!
206
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:48,160
Can we just try and have at least one
perfectly innocent,
207
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,240
non-sex
based conversation first? OK, fine!
208
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,280
We can talk about films. OK...
209
00:10:55,800 --> 00:11:00,560
See, I'm really into Film Noir.
210
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,440
Like, the early ones.
211
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,160
Billy Wilder and all that.
212
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,200
That's not quite what I had in mind.
213
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:11,080
Oh, God, sorry, old habits.
214
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,560
You must think I'm a terrible flirt.
215
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,280
Not at all.
I think you're really good at it.
216
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:23,760
And look, if you resent being
treated like some kind of
piece of meat, I respect that.
217
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:30,200
Well, thank you. Cos no-one wants to
218
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:30,200
feel like they're just a sex object
to be used and abused.
219
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,720
And maybe dominated.
220
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,320
And then ridden.
221
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,240
And possibly tied up...
222
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,560
HE MOANS
223
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,720
'Hang on... She's quiet.'
224
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:55,120
Christy. Is everything OK? Yep.
225
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:59,400
Cos if this isn't working for you I
could always try my other position.
226
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:59,400
No, no. This is fine.
227
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,960
'Oh, my God.'
228
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,080
'It's like having sex in a library.'
229
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,600
'With a nun.'
230
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:18,880
Michelle! I know! I'm sorry.
Late again! It's OK, discipline me.
231
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,720
Now hang on, I am not about to paddle
the bottom of a pregnant woman.
232
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,640
Oh, God,
233
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,800
you as well?
234
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,240
I just need to know. Am I the father?
235
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,320
Grant, there is no father.
236
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,280
Now, I don't want to jump the gun in
case I'm not the father.
237
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:39,960
OK, good. But I have put Grantina's
name down for some primary schools.
238
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:44,640
What?! I hung around outside this
239
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:44,640
one this morning. It's very safe.
240
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,800
They called the police
on me within minutes. Look, Grant,
I'm not...
241
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,040
Michelle! Congratulations!
242
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:55,120
Oh, cheers. Why didn't you just
say you were pregnant?
243
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:59,360
Oh, well you know me,
don't like to make a fuss.
244
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:04,000
I'm swooning! I'll get some water!
And Michelle, forget the whole
disciplinary thing!
245
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,000
This is so ace!
246
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,960
Michelle, there's something I gotta
tell you. Yeah, me too.
247
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,880
Thing is Grant, I'm not actually...
I slept with Christy.
248
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:18,040
What? And although I know we're not
going out, I thought I should
probably tell you about it.
249
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:23,760
Oh, well that's sweet, but you don't
have to tell me all about your love
life! How many times did you do it?
250
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,400
About 14.
251
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,880
Oh, my god! But in all fairness
that was within 20 minutes.
252
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,360
Course it was. So it's not weird
253
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,360
if we talk about it?
254
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:37,720
Well, a little bit, but hey. Nice
one. I bet she goes like a train.
255
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,560
Erm, yeah. More like a tram actually.
256
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,000
By which I mean, completely silent.
257
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,640
Woah, seriously?
258
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:50,080
To be honest with you,
it's knocked my confidence.
Like I couldn't satisfy her.
259
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,600
Well, I take it you
tried your other position?
260
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,680
Yeah! We did the lot... Me on
top, me on my side. The works!
261
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,960
Maybe she's into kinkier stuff.
262
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,080
Like a bit of role-play.
263
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,040
Oh, yeah. That's not a bad idea.
264
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,840
What's sexier, my naughty schoolboy,
265
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,560
'I ain't done my homework, spank me'.
266
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:18,000
Or my naughty teacher, 'I ain't
marked your homework, spank me'.
267
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:23,840
In all honesty, they're
equally sexy.
268
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:29,160
Thank you! Now, I hate to be
a pain, but do you feel up to
269
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:29,160
doing a little bit of typing...
270
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,240
Hmm.
271
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,600
I'm swooning!
272
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,880
What about the media? Don't you
think the portrayal
of women has changed at all?
273
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,720
No, of course I do.
274
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,720
Good, good. Go on.
275
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:46,760
Well, for a start all the boobies
they print now are in colour now.
276
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,920
Look, if you're not going
to take this seriously,
let's just not bother.
277
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,480
Och, Chris I'm sorry.
278
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,640
But you're wrong.
I hate all this moaning.
279
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,680
I love my life. I have a great time.
280
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,880
I do whatever I want. Really?
281
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:04,440
Yes. In fact, I think you should
scrap your piece of crap essay,
282
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:04,440
and go for a new approach.
283
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,080
Call it, "Women -
You've Never Had It So Good".
284
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,720
All right, Alex?
285
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,280
'Oh, God, it's the walking womb.
286
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:16,560
'Don't move. The vision of the adult
female is based entirely on motion.
287
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,080
'If you don't move,
she can't see you.'
288
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,240
Alex, are you by any chance
thinking of the Tyrannosaurus
Rex from Jurassic Park?
289
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,240
'Damn it, she's right.'
290
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,120
So. Hear you're in the pudding club.
291
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:38,240
OK, hold on just one minute. I am
many things, but I am not a lesbian!
292
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,240
No. You're eating for two.
You're up the spout.
293
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,480
You've come down with a nasty
case of sperm-poisoning.
294
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:49,160
Oh, that. Alex, this whole pregnancy
thing is getting out of hand.
295
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,440
There's something I need to
tell you...
296
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:54,520
I'm sorry. You're breaking
up... I...into...tunnel.
297
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,200
Alex, that only works on the phone.
298
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,280
Right, OK, I'll be honest with you.
299
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,440
When I heard you were pregnant my
first instinct was to think,
300
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,240
"If I'm the dad, I'll run away and
leave Michelle to cope on her own."
301
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,240
Right.
302
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,760
And I'm sticking wi' that.
303
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,720
What?
304
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,520
Sorry mate, your problem now.
No hard feelings, yeah?
305
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:17,960
Oh, my God. You chauvinist pig!
306
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:17,960
Oh, hello. Someone's on the rag.
307
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,480
OK, you know what?
308
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:23,600
I'm pregnant! And it is your baby.
And I'm gonna make you take
responsibility...
309
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,840
Sorry, this is my lift.
Speak to you later.
310
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,960
Grant? Are you OK in there?
311
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,320
Yeah, just dressing up for you.
312
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,680
Bit of role play. Bit of...
313
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:42,560
What are you wearing? Well, I
wanted to be a sexy headmaster,
314
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:48,680
but they didn't have a mortar board
in my size, so instead
I've gone for...
315
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,800
Sexy geography teacher!
316
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,320
Mmm.
317
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,320
Check it out. Whoosh! Elbow pads!
318
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,320
Plus, I've drank a bit of coffee
so you can smell it on my breath.
319
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:05,720
What do you think?
320
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:26,120
How dare Alex not take
responsibility for our baby?
Can't believe it.
321
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,920
My sperm, out-swam by a barman's.
322
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,960
Are you absolutely certain it's his?
323
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,360
No, of course it's not his.
I'm not even pregnant.
324
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,440
Oops!
325
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,000
What?
326
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,040
Sorry... I'm...into...tunnel.
327
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,000
Michelle, that only works
on the phone. Oh, I'm sorry!
328
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,840
I didn't mean for it to happen.
329
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:49,560
But everyone was being really
horrible to me and I was having a
really rough day and, and, and...
330
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,600
And, and, and...
331
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,680
And, and, and...
332
00:17:55,680 --> 00:18:00,080
All the massages and the time off -
you've been taking me for a ride!
333
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,640
Can you ever forgive me, Grant?
I don't know.
334
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,480
While you think about it, can
you carry on giving me a foot-rub?
335
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,520
Absolutely.
336
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,280
And I will come clean to everyone.
I swear.
337
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,440
Just as soon as
I've dealt with Alex.
338
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:16,040
By the way, the role-play idea -
complete disaster.
339
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,400
Oh! You mean, she wasn't
moaning with pleasure?
340
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:22,720
Nope. May as well face it,
I am rubbish at sex.
341
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,720
Oh, Grant that's not true. You're...
342
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,840
You're almost adequate.
343
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,960
I still can't believe you lied
about being pregnant.
344
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,360
Will you keep your voice down!
345
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,000
You can't tell anyone.
346
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,920
Not until I've taken Alex
on a little guilt trip.
347
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,400
God, you are so manipulative.
348
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,720
Please don't be horrible to me!
I'm watching my blood pressure.
349
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,840
God, I'm so sorry. Oi!
350
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,120
So I sat down to write my essay
and then it hit me.
351
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,320
Jenny is absolutely right.
352
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,880
I know!
353
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,000
I thought, "Women
really do have it good".
354
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,320
Then I thought, that's ungrammatical
so I changed that thought to,
355
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,600
"Women are complaining
about nothing at all
356
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,560
"and they should
just pipe down a bit".
357
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:10,400
Then I thought, "That's not a
striking title for an
assignment..." Get on wi' it!
358
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:15,800
So, let me read from my seminal
piece, "Why All Women Are
Miserable, Moaning Bastards".
359
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,600
Just a glass of water for me,
Alex, for I am well pregnant.
360
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,600
Hence the muu-muu.
361
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,120
I've told you, I don't want anything
to do with you or your stupid baby.
362
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,040
You should've thought
about babies before you bonked me.
363
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,520
They've got a register
for people who do that.
364
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,120
So, I've been thinking
of names for our baby.
365
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,440
Interested? Nope, not my problem.
366
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:40,280
If it's a boy I'm gonna call it,
367
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:40,280
Your Father Is A Selfish Idiot,
368
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,600
and if it's a girl
I'm gonna call it,
369
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,720
Alex Is A Sexist Bar Monkey.
They're French.
370
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,880
Call it what you want.
I'll never have to see it.
371
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,240
OK. Well, someone's been shopping.
And look! Ooh!
372
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,600
A lovely pair of booties
for our baby.
373
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,320
Your baby, Michelle. Yours.
374
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,000
Look at it, Alex.
375
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,960
Look at my sweet little booty!
376
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,680
I'm shaking it!
377
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,880
I'm shaking my sweet little
booty right in your face!
378
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,480
This isn't gonna work.
It's your problem. Got it?
379
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,520
OK, you asked for it.
380
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,320
Because somebody's been for a scan.
Check it out!
381
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,120
See? Your baby, Alex!
382
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,040
Not just mine. Yours.
383
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,880
You've got to take responsibility.
384
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,680
D'you know what, forget it.
385
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,120
I'm going. So you can kiss
goodbye to my sweet little booty!
386
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:47,000
The thing is, Christy, when we're
not in bed together you are quite...
provocative.
387
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,080
Go on.
388
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:56,440
But then when we get down to it
in the bedroom department,
you just clam up.
389
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:05,400
'Note to self -
never use the phrase "clam up"
in relation to sexual intercourse.'
390
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,200
And it's making me feel
like I can't satisfy you.
391
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,120
OK, look, Grant.
I'll level with you.
392
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,960
I'm a little bored of bedroom sex.
393
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,960
What? Even the other position?
394
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,760
But there is one thing
I've always wanted to try.
395
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,280
Office sex.
396
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:26,240
OK, I hear you. So what do you say?
397
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,560
You wanna give it a try? What? Now?
398
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:34,480
We can't.
We can't just break into my office.
399
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:38,600
Simply to have sex. Sex on my desk.
400
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,240
I'll get my coat!
401
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,880
Look, I'm really not sure about this.
402
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,520
It's dangerous. This is so exciting!
403
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,320
I know. It is kind of.
404
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,680
We'd better get on with it.
405
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,200
Whoo! Whoa!
406
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:02,680
Ah!
407
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,840
'Bingo! Nothing wrong
with you after all, Grant.
408
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:10,320
'Listen to her. Moaning like Les
409
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:10,320
Dennis with a nail through his hand.'
410
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,440
Oh! Oh!
411
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,800
OK, Christy. Christy, we'd
better keep it down a bit.
412
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,760
OH! OH!
413
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,360
Shush! Please!
414
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,600
Clam up! Clam up, woman! OH! OH!
415
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,040
Ah!
416
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:31,080
Would you believe me if I said I
was trying to fix the photocopier?
417
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:42,280
What's happened to you?
Women, studies, students...
418
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:48,440
shouted at me, screamed at me,
ravaged me, pulled pants down,
419
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:48,440
laughed at willy.
420
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:55,280
Mm, let me guess. Your horrible
essay destroying an entire gender
didnae go down too well?
421
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,440
Who knew women could be so brutal?
422
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,400
You did! You just wrote
9,000 words on the subject.
423
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:01,960
OK, OK, you're right.
424
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,000
I'm gonna write the
assignment again.
425
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,680
This time I'm gonna call it,
"Why All Women Are Lovely".
426
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,440
That is so patronising.
427
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,760
OK, OK. "Why All Women Are Lovely
But Also Horrible".
428
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:17,720
That's contradictory. OK, OK, OK.
What about, "Why All Women Are
429
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:17,720
Completely Neutral and Inoffensive"?
430
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,960
That's Switzerland.
431
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,040
I will never understand women!
432
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,520
That's brilliant!
That's the perfect title!
433
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:29,920
So? So, we did it on my desk.
434
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,920
Oh, my God! That is so porno!
435
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,160
I know. A security guard came in
half way through and everything.
436
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:39,960
And did he say, "You have the right
to remain satisfied", and join in?
437
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,440
No, he phoned the police
and then I got arrested.
438
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,160
Oh, and Christy resigned.
439
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,800
Oh. Shame.
440
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,600
How did it go, guilt-tripping Alex?
441
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,320
Waste of time. I'm gonna have
to let him off the hook.
442
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,720
Tell him... Michelle, I need to talk
to you. Ah...
443
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,320
Ditto.
Look, Alex, about this baby...
444
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,920
You're right.
I do need to take responsibility.
445
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:09,520
What's that? Seeing that scan with
my head on it, its little hands,
446
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:11,240
how delicate it is...
447
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,840
That baby's gonna need
all the protection it can get.
448
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,760
Aw, Alex!
449
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:19,520
But I want to do the right thing.
For you. For us.
450
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:20,640
For our family.
451
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,520
Which is why...
452
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,680
Ladies and gentlemen,
if I can have your attention.
453
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,440
Alex, what are you doing?
454
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,800
Michelle Booth. Will you marry me?
455
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,040
Oh, my God! This is so romantic!
456
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:52,360
OK, while I've got you all here,
probably something I should say.
457
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:57,520
And seriously,
you are gonna crack up laughing.
458
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:02,360
You see, I'm not actually pregnant!
459
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:06,960
No?
460
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:09,400
Nothing?
461
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,040
Wow. Tough crowd.
462
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,000
What does she mean, not pregnant?
463
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,920
Well, what it was, was,
464
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,920
you see, Jenny saw me on the bus
465
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,760
and I had bird shit in my hair
and this woman wanted my seat...
466
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:24,480
Anyway, that's not important.
467
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:28,280
The important bit is that I
was just pretending to be pregnant
468
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,560
to teach Alex...
469
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,040
..a lesson about responsibility.
470
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:39,160
So, Alex - ha!
471
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:45,560
Let that be a lesson to you.
472
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,520
Michelle, how could you?
473
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:50,880
This proves it.
474
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,520
Women really are bastards.
475
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,640
This really hurts, Michelle.
476
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,280
Alex, I'm really, really sorry.
I didn't mean...
477
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,320
At least we've still got
each other.
478
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,720
You know, I got really excited
when I thought it might be mine.
479
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,120
Oh, bless you.
480
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:32,440
And listen, if I had been up the
481
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:32,440
spout, I would've wanted it
to be yours.
482
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:33,560
Really?
483
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:39,200
But then why don't we? You know, try.
For real.
484
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:45,720
Grant! You big kidder!
485
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,080
You are kidding? Right?
486
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:53,080
Yeah. Of course I'm kidding.
487
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,720
Good one.
488
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,680
Let's get bladdered.
489
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,680
Ah-ah. Not in your condition.
490
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,080
Oi!
491
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,360
I, Michelle Booth, am doing
a selfless act of charity.
492
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:13,800
Come on, people, out of the way.
Moo-ove it!
493
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:14,920
I dislike the old.
494
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,160
They walk slowly and
get all the best drugs.
495
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:21,760
See that, girl? Me gonna roll mesel'
a parsley one for laters.
496
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,400
Oh, yeah. Sticking it to the man!
497
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:27,760
Cos I'm a man.
498
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,200
Argh! Ooh! Whoo!
499
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,200
Woooh!
500
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,040
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
501
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,080
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
63358
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof