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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,840
Whore! I know you're upset
2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,840
about the me sleeping with Chris,
3
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:10,080
you walking in, me wiping myself off
on your scarf silliness. Whore!
4
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,960
So Chris is single?
What do you think?
5
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,080
Woaaah!
6
00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,040
I just can't be around women,
they're all evil.
7
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:19,160
Except this one.
8
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,600
I have been mugged.
I nearly drowned in the canal.
9
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:27,560
Whore! Jenny! I want you to empty me
drip trays and polish me stout pipe.
10
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,480
I refuse to be manipulated by you
any longer.
11
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:33,920
You're fired.
12
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:35,960
Chris...? Yes, what do you want?
13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:39,640
I'm a nymphomaniac
who can cook, fancy a bonk?
14
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:44,360
Bye, Grant. But look,
you can have you're job back.
15
00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:58,600
PHONE BLEEPS
16
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:08,760
'Check you out
canoodling with a celebrity.'
17
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,960
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Is it really you?
18
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,760
HE MOANS
19
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,960
I can't believe I'm actually in bed
with "man with limp"
20
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,280
from Midsomer Murders!
21
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,800
Do you know Kris Akabusi?
What's he really like?
22
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:34,000
I am on the bones
of my fantastically rounded
and locally celebrated arse.
23
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,640
The smoking ban was the worst thing
that ever happened to pub culture.
24
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,000
Cos people drink in doors. No,
because you can smell the punters.
25
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,240
We're gonna have to close
if I can't make the rent.
26
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,360
What I need is a gimmick.
27
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,480
Country and Western theme?
Where the hell did that come from?
28
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:52,920
Sorry, I just saw a horse.
29
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,280
Something to engage
with the customers.
30
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,480
A parade of giants!
31
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,600
Once more, where did that come from?
32
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,720
It was a massive horse.
33
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,120
No, like a game. Ice Hockey?
34
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:12,760
Sorry, the horse
was really cold, I can't
stop thinking about this horse.
35
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,200
A game like poker or blackjack.
36
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,880
Ah, no, Alex. Gambling's illegal.
37
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,440
So's public indecency, but...
38
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,760
'I hope he's wearing trousers.'
39
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,560
'I wish I'd worn me trousers.'
40
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,560
We need something we can play
on a table. That'll drag them in.
41
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,840
Something retro and silly,
something fun.
42
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,560
Ah, fun...
43
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:39,000
When I was a kid I used to play
Tiddlywinks. Amazing, I was, too.
44
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,120
Best in Wales. Until...
45
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:46,080
I must never tiddle again.
46
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,360
Right, that's that sorted,
Tiddlywinks it is. Never again!
47
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,800
NEVER! Why what happened?
48
00:02:53,320 --> 00:03:00,240
I was in the Welsh Tiddlywinks
49
00:02:53,320 --> 00:03:00,240
Championships Final, highlight of
the social calendar.
50
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,400
Did you win, though? Yes, I won.
51
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,160
Oh, old Granty won all right.
52
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,200
But at what cost Alex?
WHAT COST?!
53
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,920
I don't know, Grant.
What cost? Exactly.
54
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,160
So, you reckon you could
play in my tournament?
55
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,800
Get a bit of competition going?
56
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,640
'And be my ringer.'
57
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:22,880
No, Alex! Never! I will never
tiddle again! Never!
58
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,640
Guess who I bonked?
59
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,680
Colchester! Yay!
60
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,840
No! Actually.
I'll give you a clue.
61
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,160
You slept with Heather Mills?
62
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,800
No! Not recently.
63
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,600
It was...
64
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,600
SHE SINGS A FANFARE
65
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,840
"Man with Limp"
from Midsomer Murders!!!
66
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,120
You people don't deserve me.
67
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,120
Chris?
68
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,360
I'm really busy Jenny, I've
a million essays to put off marking.
69
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,440
One million essays?
70
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:31,440
No, I wasn't being literal, I was
rounding up, to the nearest million.
71
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,920
But I need to talk to you about
something. It's really important.
72
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:39,400
Ah, young, Jenny.
You know, it's funny,
73
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,480
having worked at the university
and after spending so long
74
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,400
in the company of the young
and the naive, guiding them,
75
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:50,080
tending their injured,
confused minds, I've begun to
consider myself a kind of svengali.
76
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,600
A demi-God, if you will. Hm.
77
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,840
Praise be. How honoured I am
to be in your company.
78
00:04:55,840 --> 00:05:00,720
Oh, how I wish to touch the hem
of your robes and be blessed with
79
00:04:55,840 --> 00:05:00,720
your... What do you want Jenny?
80
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,160
I want you to bang me
till it comes out my ears.
81
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,960
Oh! I must not tiddle!
82
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,920
Not in the filing cabinet, no. Oh!
83
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,400
Oh, Michelle, I didn't expect to
see you this early in the morning,
84
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,240
it's only quarter to eleven.
85
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,480
Guess who I bonked?
86
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,760
I don't know, Michelle, look,
we've got acres of paperwork
87
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:39,880
on the McGovern redundancy claims
now, please, can you just start
88
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:39,880
doing whatever it is you do here?
89
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,560
Of course.
90
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,960
Michelle!
91
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:53,840
OK, OK, seeing as you begged,
I'll give you a clue...
92
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,680
You slept with Columbo?
93
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:04,200
No! I slept with...
94
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:04,200
SHE SINGS A FANFARE
95
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:08,840
.."man with limp" from
Midsomer Murders! Suck on that!
96
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,360
You know what, Michelle,
you're unbelievable.
97
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,040
That's what he said.
98
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:17,040
Although he was more,
"Ooo, arrr, Michelle,
99
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:17,040
you be roight unbeleeevable!"
100
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,440
He was from Bury, but you know
what these actors are like.
101
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,320
You're a blinking sex addict.
102
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,640
HE YELPS
103
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,200
He said that too. But only
when made him stay for breakfast.
104
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,760
Listen, don't you think
at your age...?
105
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,720
SHE GROWLS
106
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,560
At your.... Er, with you...
How you...
107
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,360
Look, you're a bit of a slag.
108
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:45,600
Michelle, you're my friend
and I'm worried about you.
109
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,800
I don't want to see you ruin
your life. You're morally bereft.
110
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,720
Oh...! I am not morally bereft!
I'm cool!
111
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,600
Suck on...that!
112
00:06:55,600 --> 00:07:00,080
Michelle, I'm only saying this
because I care about you.
113
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,000
It's heartbreaking.
114
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,000
I know you're a sweet woman. I know
you don't want to be doing this.
115
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,960
I know because it's always me
who has to pick you up
116
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,920
and put you back together again
when they don't call you.
117
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:15,400
Man with limp said his phone
was broken so he couldn't,
118
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:20,960
and he was at his mum's, who was ill,
119
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:20,960
and his cat was sick and
he was out of the country, and...
120
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,760
"Man with limp" was a liar!
121
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:28,000
You don't even know his real name.
Yes, I do... It was...
122
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,560
Limpy. Come here.
123
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,560
You poor, poor slag.
124
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,920
Grant. Will you help me?
125
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,280
Take your hand off my penis
and I'll consider it.
126
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:49,840
Thanks, Grant.
127
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:54,840
And if you ever need anything, even
something tiny, something tiddly,
you just give me the wink.
128
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,080
I must tiddle!
129
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,200
RAUCOUS JEERING
130
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,280
ALEX WHISTLES
131
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,240
First rule of tiddlywinks club...
132
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,560
We all talk about tiddlywinks club.
133
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:18,720
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
134
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,600
Second rule of tiddlywinks club...
135
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,640
We ALL talk about tiddlywinks club!
136
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,120
LOUD MURMUR OF AGREEMENT
137
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:26,880
Third rule of tiddlywinks club...
138
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,440
Bring your wives and girlfriends.
It's a family night and
we're here to have a nice time.
139
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:37,560
Are you ready
to tiddl-l-l-l-l-l-e!?
140
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:42,480
Yes, thank you, Alex, I think I am.
141
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,080
What are you doing?
142
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:55,160
I need to find a way to live up
to Jenny's youthful sexpectations.
143
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,320
I have a 31-year-old penis.
144
00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,600
I'm not sure it's going to be taut
enough for a 22-year-old.
145
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,880
Oh, Christopher. Your penis
is quite the ripe courgette.
146
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,400
It's just...
147
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,120
What? What is it?
148
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,240
Well...
149
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:15,560
Jenny's a wild young thing, she
needs to be swinging from chandeliers
and jumping off wardrobes.
150
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,520
You're like someone
you'd introduce to your parents.
151
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:22,840
Why would I introduce myself
to my parents?
They already know me!
152
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,240
Laters!
153
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,520
Girls like older men!
154
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:31,240
Everyone likes Santa Claus...
and God...
155
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:32,840
and Judy Finnigan...
156
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,440
'Oh, who am I kidding?
157
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,440
'I'm going to have to youth up.'
158
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,080
Oh, doll, you're no' a sex addict.
159
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,880
You're just a tart.
160
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,520
No, I've been Googling it.
That's disgusting!
161
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,320
I just need to replace
one addiction with another.
162
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,400
Yes!
163
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,240
Ooh! Gambling!
164
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,120
Alex, what's going on?
165
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,920
Are you betting on Grant?
166
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,920
Yeah. I'm sorry.
167
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:13,800
What odds could you give me
on a long shot, outside bet
168
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:13,800
when the going's good-to-soft?
169
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,600
Pardon me?
170
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,520
I'm now addicted to gambling.
No, you're not.
171
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,720
Wanna bet(?)
172
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,720
SHE LAUGHS
173
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,040
Thank you so much, Alex.
You've actually saved me.
174
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,920
I thought I'd never tiddle again.
Fine, princess, fine, wink away.
175
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:35,160
Who's next? Who wants to wink
themselves stupid with Grant,
Wales' most accurate winker?
176
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,920
HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
177
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,160
FOOTSTEPS GROW LOUDER
178
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,000
I'm here to tiddle.
179
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,160
No... No! Not a child!
180
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,240
Not again!
181
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,480
Gnarly!
182
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,640
Woo-hoo! Yeah!
183
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,280
I'm a beautiful butterfly!
184
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,440
You're a dick. What?!
Check this out.
185
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:25,440
All right, Stan,
you go wait in my room and I'll sort
you out a pony for that accumulator.
186
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,680
Who's he?
187
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,760
He's my bookie. I'm a gambling
addict, isn't it fabulous! Now.
188
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,240
Come on, give us
a monkey on the chalk.
189
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:38,000
Bump your double down and stick
your div in the family pot.
190
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,320
What are you talking about?
I have absolutely no idea!
191
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,320
I've just put a bet on at Bar Salade.
192
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:51,720
I've swapped my sex addiction
for gambling and I'm quite
the one-arse bandit.
193
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,560
How much did you bet? Four pounds.
194
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,840
Now I'm going to enter the phone
in competition on Paul O'Grady!
195
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,520
Gambling is a marvellous addiction -
it hasn't the calories of alcohol,
196
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:05,440
none of the emotional problems
of sex and I get to see horsies!
197
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:09,040
SHE IMITATES A HORSE
198
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:13,560
Chris, what's all this in aid of?
199
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,160
It's... I just think,
200
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:19,120
I'm old and boring and you're
so young and full of vim.
201
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,960
I'll let you into a secret,
I don't do this very often.
202
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,280
Shock, shock, horror and shock.
203
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,600
Shock aye the noo.
204
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:32,800
It's just, I wanted to do
something to impress you -
205
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,720
something young and cool and...
206
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:38,000
.."ace", "wicked", "fabby".
207
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,480
Awww, Chris, do you know what
would be ever so "fabby"? A yo-yo?
208
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,440
No, you bawbag,
209
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:47,480
if we went to bed. I've got an idea,
why don't I give you a massage?
210
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,320
No way!
Last time I had one of those,
211
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,680
a small Thai woman stuck her
penis in my nape.
212
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:59,320
Fine, there must be something we
can do to release your inhibitions.
213
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,880
Have you ever tried drugs?
214
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,400
Oh, I couldn't take a drug. Oh,
I don't like that suggestion at all.
215
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,960
You could get hit by a bus tomorrow.
216
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,880
Nor that one.
217
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,240
No, what I mean is, you should
loosen up...
218
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,120
I could get us some looseners.
219
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,680
I'm perfectly loose,
I have a high fibre diet.
220
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,120
No, I mean chill-out pills.
221
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,840
Something to make you feel
really buzzed and happy.
222
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,040
Oh, I don't know.
223
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,720
Oh...
224
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:26,400
I'd feel really terrible having sex
with someone that wasn't relaxed.
225
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:32,280
It'd feel a wee bit seedy,
226
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:32,280
whereas I want it to be very
seedy...
227
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,920
A younger man would do it.
228
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,080
OK, fine. I'll do it for you.
229
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,200
Great, I'll call my mate,
Hate Crime. He's always got stuff.
230
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:43,880
Er...why's he called "Hate Crime"?
He hates crime.
231
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:54,280
Well, I'm knackered.
I'm off home to bed.
232
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,960
Michelle,
it's 10.30 in the morning!
233
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,000
I know, I'm pooped. And Grant,
234
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,720
just so you know,
I've cured my sex addiction.
235
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,800
I'm now completely addicted
to gambling.
236
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,360
Ooooh, yes, I do love a gamble.
237
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,120
I even have a bookmaker. Stan.
238
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,720
Gamble gamble gamble.
Gambly bambly rambly.
239
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:20,200
Oh, I do love a bet, yes,
Michelle... Is there something
you want to tell me, Michelle?
240
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,400
Guess who I bonked?
241
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,880
Oh, you didn't. Stan said "hit me"
242
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,880
and I gave him a lay.
243
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,520
I've been up all night with him.
Oh, Michelle.
244
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,000
I know!
Grant, I really need your help.
245
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,680
Just how am I supposed to help?
246
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,720
Well, I need you to tempt me.
247
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,800
Be sexually alluring
and I'll try and resist you.
248
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,560
You've been doing that for years.
249
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,760
Please, Grant, you've got to help me.
250
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,760
Just be provocative.
251
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,720
I agreed with many of Bush's
decisions during the war.
252
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,080
Oh, I'm utterly sat
in a puddle, thanks, Grant.
253
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,280
"Sexually" provocative. Oh...
254
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,600
Yeah, like that.
All my buttons flew off!
255
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,200
Grant! Well, my mother bought me this
256
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,200
shirt, it's my favourite. I'm sorry.
257
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,400
Now... Do a little sexy dance.
258
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,640
What are you doing? The Hokey Cokey
is the only dance I know.
259
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,840
What? You must have seen a stripper.
260
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,800
I tend to turn away blushing.
261
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,960
Even someone removing a moccasin
can be quite intimidating to someone
262
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,960
like me.
263
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:39,280
Just take your trousers off
and thrust at me a bit
and I'll try and resist you.
264
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,680
I'm a solicitor!
265
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,040
OK. Well, say some erotic words
and I'll try not to think about sex.
266
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,720
Er...
267
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,640
Musket?
268
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,600
No...like parts of the body
and what they do.
269
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:59,000
OK...the mouth... Mmmm?
270
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,120
Can be used for...
271
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,960
..eating sandwiches.
272
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,400
Ha-ha!
273
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,600
Sorry, Jenny bet me I wouldn't put a
horse's head in your bed. Your face!
274
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,440
Chris! That is utterly pathetic.
275
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,560
You know I'm a bit of a slapper.
276
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,960
How was I to know I hadn't
actually slept with a horse?
277
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:34,840
I should think even you'd be quite
saddle sore after that. Get out!
278
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,400
Fine, fine...
279
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,520
My mushroom tea should be just
about brewed by now anyway...
280
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,240
Well, at least I didn't sleep
with anyone.
281
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,600
Hi, Grant. I've got big news. You're
going to be so impressed with me.
282
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:50,720
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...
283
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:51,760
CLUNKING
284
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,760
Well, bye!
285
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,000
Who the hell are you?
286
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,640
Chris, it's OK.
287
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,960
St Winifred's School Choir are
not coming to get you.
288
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,360
I know they're not. Well, good.
289
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,800
It's the Coldstream Guards'
marching band!
290
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,600
Chris, you're just having a bad
trip.
291
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:17,040
Who the hell's Chris?!
Just talk to me, I'll talk you down.
292
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:21,760
HE REPEATS "OK" OVER AND OVER
293
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,800
Owww. Octupi!
294
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:29,000
It's fair to say that there's
a reason younger men do this
295
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:29,000
rather than men your age.
296
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,320
You think? YOU THINK?!
Jenny, our age gap
297
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,840
is much too much to cope with.
298
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,960
I can see dolphins.
And not friendly ones.
299
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,200
All dolphins are friendly.
300
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,720
Not when they're carrying knives!
301
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,120
OK, I think I have
a solution to this.
302
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,800
I think we should have a date
that you'd enjoy, OK.
303
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:52,200
A nice adult date, with candles
and music and dolphins.
304
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,120
Dolphins?! I'm only kidding.
305
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,160
Come on, let's put you to bed
for an hour.
306
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,480
Out of my way, fiends.
307
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,160
I need to see Grant.
He's right there!
308
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:06,560
Grant's at Bar Salade.
You won't get any joy there
he's busy with his tiddlywinks.
309
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,720
I'll see you at the Triangle?
310
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,720
Don't you want to stay with Chris?
311
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:21,200
I just wouldn't mind if for once
one of them stayed for breakfast.
312
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,240
Or a shower, or told me
their real name.
313
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,560
I mean, Krishnan Guru-Murthy?
314
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,640
It's obvious to me that you've never
experienced a proper relationship.
315
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,240
I mean, take these two.
316
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:36,240
Disgusting as they are,
they're going through the first
stage of romance.
317
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:40,880
You know, where you cannae keep
your hands off each other
and you have sex 40 times a day.
318
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:45,240
And everything's so
vibrant and colourful,
the world just seems so wonderful...
319
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,080
I've never had that.
320
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,600
They're so lucky.
321
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,680
They have matching self-harm
injuries and everything...
322
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,240
I wish I had someone
to kill myself with.
323
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,640
Maybe you're one of those people
324
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,640
who leaps straight into
a committed relationship.
325
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,240
Like these two -
shopping for furniture,
326
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,000
baking, planning your future.
327
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,440
No, I can't say I've ever
had that either.
328
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:14,720
Don't worry. See at the end of the
day, all anybody's really looking
for is to end up like that pair...
329
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,040
Awwww. They're so cute, look at them.
330
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:21,240
I think it's so sweet when people
stay together their whole lives.
331
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:25,600
But I can't see myself being able
to do that with anyone. I want that.
332
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,600
If I don't want to end up alone,
then I have to commit to one man.
333
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,680
And we all know who that man is.
334
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,720
Krishnan Guru-Murthy? Ha-ha! See you.
335
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,000
Tiddle, or I'll burst your eyes...
336
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,560
Arghh!
337
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,160
Grant, Grant!
I need to talk to you...
338
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,360
Are you crying?
339
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,960
Why can't you just
tiddle this kiddie?
340
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:59,040
Who cares about that? Look Grant,
I did it again.
341
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:03,120
But I have spoken to Jenny now
and I'm ready...
342
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,480
Go on, Grant.
343
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,160
How dare you stick a muffin in
344
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,160
my mouth. I'm not like that any more.
345
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,960
OK, if I tell you, Alex...
346
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:16,400
If, if, if I tell you what happened,
in Wales,
347
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,920
the last time I tiddled a kid,
348
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,680
you've got to promise
not to tell anyone?
349
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:24,080
I haven't spoken of it since. And
I never want to mention it again.
350
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,400
OK. Yeah, mate, it's fine...
You can tell me anything.
351
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,440
Can I tell you that I once cut
out a picture of a very fat man's
352
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,640
chest and masturbated over it
cos it looked like he had boobies?
353
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,640
Of course. 'Me too!'
354
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,280
Can I tell you that I have a
cupboard full of tins of salmon
355
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,560
that I use to lure stray cats
in for company?
356
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:49,560
Tell me anything. 'We're so alike!'
357
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:53,400
How about that I don't think
you're as good-looking
as you think you are?
358
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,800
I would say that that's your
opinion and you're entitled to it.
359
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,800
'He dies tonight.'
360
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,040
OK.
361
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,680
It happened like this.
362
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,200
A long time ago in Wales...
363
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:14,920
I was on top of the world,
the country's foremost Tiddler.
364
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:20,120
I had everything, men wanted
to be me and women wanted to...
365
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,960
Well, women weren't
too bothered to be honest.
366
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:27,920
But a new contender
had strolled into town.
367
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,760
Wild Bill McTiddle,
he said his name was.
368
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,160
He asked if he could
challenge me to my crown.
369
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:41,120
I, of course, accepted,
370
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:46,360
for in my youthful arrogance,
I believed no-one could beat me.
371
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,480
We sat and played for hours.
372
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,480
He was the worthiest opponent
I had ever come across.
373
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,120
I began to get nervous.
374
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:02,560
MUSIC: "Sloop John B"
by the Beach Boys
375
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,200
I lined up my shot,
376
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,720
holding my breath,
I took aim and tiddled.
377
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,520
It went wrong.
378
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,120
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
379
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:21,560
He was blinded in that eye for life,
and never tiddled again.
380
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,280
And neither did I.
381
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:29,000
And there's nothing anybody can do
or say to make me play with a child!
382
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:33,560
Michelle, just tell him
you'll bonk him!
383
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,760
I'm going to lose the bar.
How dare you!
384
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,880
I'm not a slag. Any more.
385
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,520
Er, hands up who's had
Michelle Booth?
386
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,240
So this is nice.
387
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,120
A nice adult date.
388
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:58,600
Yeah, yeah -
age gaps aren't important at all.
389
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,160
It doesn't matter that you're
older. Or you're younger.
390
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,800
It's nice to have a bit
of sophisticated company.
391
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,520
Nice to have a bit of fun company.
392
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,120
I was thinking,
393
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:15,920
maybe next weekend we could drive
to Wales for a walk on the beach?
394
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:15,920
Great.
395
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,760
I didn't know you had a car. I
don't. I thought you could drive us.
396
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,960
The only thing I drive
is women wild with desire.
397
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,080
That's untrue. Yeah, yeah, I know.
398
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,120
I meant, I never passed my test.
399
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:34,000
OK. Subject change. What do you plan
to do when you finish your PhD?
400
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:35,960
Another degree. And then?
401
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,120
Another degree. And then?
402
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,840
Have you not quite seen the pattern?
403
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:45,440
So you plan to stay in full-time
education forever?
404
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,280
OK. You...
405
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,280
You do have a bank account,
don't you?
406
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:54,280
Of course I do! And I've got all
of NatWest's piggybanks to prove it.
407
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,680
Do you have a pension?
No. Life insurance?
408
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,120
No. Pubic hair? Plenty!
409
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,280
Well, at least that's something.
410
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,280
What do you mean?
411
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:08,680
Chris, I'm really sorry.
This was a lovely meal,
412
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,680
I really like alphabetti spaghetti.
But...
413
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:17,840
But what? I just don't think
you're old enough for me.
414
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,760
I need him to play.
415
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,880
He'll do it for you, come on.
416
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,320
Just promise him a bonk.
417
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:35,680
No! I can't just prostitute myself
for the sake of the bar.
418
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,960
It isn't just the bar.
It's my life, it's Grant's pride.
419
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:44,280
And it's all these very hard men
threatening to rip me a new arsehole
420
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:44,280
if this match doesn't go ahead.
421
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:47,240
Please, Michelle, I'm begging you!
422
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,600
Grant? Hey.
423
00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:01,120
If you do this, I promise...
424
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:15,440
Let's get ready to tiddle!
425
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,680
Come on. What are you?
A man or a mouse?
426
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,840
'Concentrate, Grant.
427
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,120
'You can do this.'
428
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:29,520
# We come on the Sloop John B
429
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,960
# My grandfather and me
430
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:38,360
# Around Nassau town we did roam
431
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:46,760
# Drinking all night
Got into a fight
432
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:53,120
# Well I feel so broke up
I want to go home... #
433
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,240
Miss this and the game is mine.
434
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:59,000
This is for you, Michelle.
435
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,880
If you keep your promise.
436
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:04,960
I promise I will never sleep with
anyone I don't love again.
437
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,760
I'm blind! I'm blind!
438
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,320
HE BLOWS BUBBLES
439
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,560
I'm immature.
So am I! I've slept with everyone.
440
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,800
I don't sleep with anyone!
441
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,040
I just wish I hadn't been so easy.
442
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,720
Now I've got this awful reputation
and it will have spread all
over Manchester by now.
443
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,160
Perhaps the world! The world!
444
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:43,960
Think a lot of yourself, don't you.
445
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,280
Yes! Tons!
446
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,480
We're both just pathetic.
447
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:49,760
Just really...
448
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:53,440
IT STARTS TALKING
449
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,120
But I've made my promise now.
450
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,880
Nobody else unless I love them.
451
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,200
Starting tomorrow.
452
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,960
Amazing, how I managed to blind
you in both eyes
453
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,640
with just the one tiddlywink.
454
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,120
You love Jenny! You love Jenny!
Jenny and Chris sitting in a tree!
455
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,360
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
456
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:29,120
Ha-ha! OK, how did you guess?
I want to go rock-climbing.
457
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:30,840
Rock-climbing it is...
458
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,280
With Kylie Minogue.
459
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,200
I've learnt that if you're
gonna have a threesome,
460
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,080
do it with your best friends.
461
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:41,280
Well, this is nice. The three of us.
462
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,280
Surprise, Chris, I'm earl...
463
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:07,280
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
464
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:10,320
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