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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,720
God, we're rubbish, aren't we?
I lost someone I love, so I win.
2
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,480
I lost Grant, so I win.
3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,200
I'm a terrible friend.
4
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:11,880
Let's go round there.
I love Chris and I know he loves me.
5
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:18,880
I just need to beg him
to forgive me.
6
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:21,640
Oh, God, yeah!
7
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:24,680
If I hadn't been so judgmental.
I'm such a hypocrite.
8
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,840
Well, crikey! I know. Crikey!
9
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,080
Yeah, crikey!
10
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,080
Oh, my God! What have I done?
11
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,520
Oh my God!
How could she do this to me?
12
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,360
Oh my God! My asthma's back.
13
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,680
Oh my God! Why does everyone
in Manchester sleep at work?
14
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:04,240
On my God! Bruce Willis's character
was actually dead all along.
15
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,440
Ee!
16
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:13,040
Ee! And "Ee, ee, ee!" to you too.
17
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,800
Michelle, I'm worried.
I am terrified.
18
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:16,680
Chris I told you.
19
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,800
Nobody cares that you have a head
that's visible from space.
20
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,600
No, don't you see?
21
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,160
You, me, doing...
22
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,000
To be fair, Chris, it was more...
23
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:32,800
My girlfriend's dumped me,
Grant's devastated. We've blown apart
our entire friendship group.
24
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:37,040
Oh, Chris. Look, I know you're
worried about me, but I'll be fine.
25
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,480
Grant will forgive me.
He always does.
26
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,720
I'll just buy him some bubblegum.
27
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:45,320
He's probably laughing to
himself about it right now.
28
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,840
I wish I was dead!
29
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,920
Morning!
30
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:07,920
I brought you a coffee and
a gingerbread biscuit.
31
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,280
Then I ate it.
32
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,840
Then I went past a newsagents
and I bought you some bubblegum!
33
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,000
Look, Grant.
I'm clutching at straws here.
34
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,920
I know you're a bit upset
about the whole me sleeping
with Chris, you walking in,
35
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:26,960
me having to wipe myself off on
the scarf you bought me, silliness.
36
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,360
And I just want to
make it up to you.
37
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:35,640
It just seems like I give and I give
and I give and I give and I give...
38
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,120
Grant?
39
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,640
Whore!
40
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:53,400
Oh, she's back.
Ruiner of lives, torturer of hearts
and customer of Netto.
41
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:57,040
Don't you start! Can you believe
Grant called me a whore?
42
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,920
All I did was act like a whore.
It's so unfair.
43
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,960
You did jilt him at the altar.
44
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,360
I didn't love him.
Cheat on him with Alex.
45
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,720
I was blinded by man nipples.
46
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,000
Cheat on him with me.
Yeah, that was rank.
47
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:14,040
You're abominable. I've lost
my girlfriend because of you.
48
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,280
I don't recall you
asking me to stop.
49
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,080
I couldn't with a mouthful
of pubic hair.
50
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,960
How dare you? I wax religiously.
51
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:26,480
Well, someone needs to revisit
the burning bush
before it chokes the Israelites.
52
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:34,600
You can talk!
Looking at that man was like looking
at the top of your head,
53
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,560
only with a tiny bald mouse
nesting in it!
54
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,240
Oh, for God's sake!
55
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,760
This is why I don't want
anything to do with women, again.
56
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,360
I am solely hanging around
with men from now on.
57
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,240
Simple, straightforward men.
58
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,080
No, you can't leave yet.
Jenny wants to say hello.
59
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,720
Who the hell's Jenny?
She's my best friend.
60
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,880
Scottish, snappy dresser,
works in the bar.
61
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,920
You've met her hundreds of times.
You went camping together.
62
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,400
Her dad got you tickets
to the Mama Mia premiere.
63
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,000
No, doesn't ring any bells.
64
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,000
DOORBELL
65
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:13,280
There you go.
One lovely, glossy, beautiful,
cuddly, spiky, sweet-smelling...
66
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,480
Oh my God, Chris! What happened you?
67
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,160
I've never met this woman.
His girlfriend left him.
68
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:23,240
Oh, you lost your girlfriend?
You know what they say.
The best way to get over a woman...
69
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,280
..Is to get under another one.
I know.
70
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,840
Oh, my God.
I was so not gonna say that.
71
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,600
Chris, that's disgusting!
I am so disappointed in you.
72
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,120
God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.
73
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,600
I teach Women Studies.
I'm a total feminist.
74
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:41,320
You were going to say it,
weren't you? I so was, bless him!
75
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:46,280
Yeah, you women are all the same.
I'm off to find some
reliable man company.
76
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,840
Grrrrrrr!
77
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,400
So, Chris is single.
78
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,080
What do you think? Is he looking?
79
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:59,520
For what? For the lost city
of Atlantis, Michelle!
Is he looking for a girlfriend?
80
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,560
Oh, I don't know.
81
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:05,040
He's only just split up with
someone. And he's my flatmate.
82
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,400
To be honest, this sofa's not dry
from the last time I shagged him.
83
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,080
Well, I like him.
84
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,840
I really like him.
85
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:15,760
Darling, you like cheap lager
and even cheaper shoes.
You are no judge.
86
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,600
Oh, speaking of cheap lager,
I'd better get to work.
87
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,480
What? You just got here.
88
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:25,360
I know, but you bore me.
And your sofa stinks of hormones.
89
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:26,880
Oh!
90
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,800
Ow! Splinter!
91
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,400
All right, Shirley?
Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah.
92
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,680
What have you done that for?
I just buffed that. Cos I like it.
93
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:00,800
Well, I don't. Sorry, I'll get it.
94
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,320
So, Ida, you been working out?
95
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,320
You're, um, looking pretty buff.
96
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,880
Well, you know. My Pilates class,
pretty intense, yeah?
97
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,320
Your shoulder pad's slipping.
Oh, damn!
98
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:18,640
What's all this in aid of, Chris?
You planning on becoming the
world's gayest American footballer?
99
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,560
I'm having a tough time with women.
100
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,000
Oh, shockety shock! Shock, shock
and blow me off with a feather!
101
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,640
What are you doing? I'm being you.
102
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,200
In your dreams. Is that how
you see me? I'm offended.
103
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,680
I want to be like
a manly lumberjack type.
104
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,960
Chopping logs, building fires.
I want to bite beavers.
105
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,920
We all want that, Princess.
106
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,280
I just can't be around women.
They're all evil.
107
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,440
Except this one.
108
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,440
This one is the only woman
to ever resist my charms.
109
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,560
Hey, Chris. Feeling better, hen?
110
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,160
Who the hell is she?
111
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:55,800
I understand you not wanting
to be around women, but you're
never going to be like me.
112
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,800
And would you want to? You know
what, you're absolutely right.
113
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,440
You manly men were all the same.
114
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,400
I need someone educated, someone
erudite, with a delicate sensitivity.
115
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:09,720
That was actually very prescient
of you, Alex. Thanks.
116
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:14,160
'Thank you, mama, thank you, Papa,
for bestowing on me
this glorious brain.'
117
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,720
'God, he's thick.
What the hell is he staring at?'
118
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,960
Isn't he lovely?
119
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,960
I'll show him. No whore would
dress like this, would they?
120
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,520
Whore!
121
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,960
Hello, Grant.
122
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,800
Thank you for coming over
and bringing your leaf
at such short notice. Whore!
123
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,840
Grant, I was really quite upset
today when you... Whore!
124
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:54,240
Grant, you can't just go around
calling people... Whore!
125
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:57,080
This is just getting rude now. Whore!
126
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:58,680
Grant, this has to stop!
127
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,680
You know, you're right.
It's not really helping, is it?
128
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:06,240
And my throat's getting
ever so scratchy. I'm starting
to sound like the devil.
129
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,760
Does this mean you'll forgive me
and we can be friends again? No.
130
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,600
Michelle, what you did
was unforgivable.
131
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:18,920
Hmm. I thought you might say that,
so I got Jenny to bring
a friend over.
132
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,040
Hello, Grant!
133
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,800
Please forgive Michelle!
134
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,480
Oh, little... No!
135
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,160
Where do you find puppies
at such short notice?
136
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:42,240
I just glance down
and there they are.
137
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:47,600
I'm leaving. I brought you my leaf
that you needed so very urgently
and I'm going.
138
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,200
'Oh, God.
He's going to make me do the voice.
139
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,840
'No, the voice won't cut it!
140
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,160
'I'll have to do the song
and the dance!'
141
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,280
# Who is the cutest little man?
142
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:05,720
# His name is Grant
and he lives in a van
143
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:12,040
# Who is Michelle's bestest friend?
144
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,840
# His name is Grant
and he lives in a van
145
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,400
# Who is the best solicitor?
146
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,880
# His name is Grant
and he lives in a van
147
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,360
# Who is Michelle...? #
148
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:28,720
OK, though I have told you
that song is factually inaccurate.
149
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,120
I haven't lived in a van for months.
150
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,920
Does this mean...? Fine.
151
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:39,400
Do you forgive me?
As long as you promise never
to sing that song again.
152
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,240
Do you forgive Chris?
153
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,800
Oh, why not!
154
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,400
I've been so sad without you guys.
155
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,160
I've had no one to talk to,
except for Bampi,
156
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,600
and all he does when I phone
is ask me what I'm wearing.
157
00:09:55,600 --> 00:10:00,200
Oh, we're friends again, yeah?
Well, life's to short.
158
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:05,080
Yeah, she said you'd forgive her
cos you always do
and she'd done far worse.
159
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,200
Whore!
160
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:12,880
I'm not a whore.
161
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,320
I'm just really, really stupid.
162
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:27,400
Grant...at a time like this, a man
needs the company of another man.
163
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,240
But she was crying,
real tears and everything.
164
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,960
She didn't even have to peel an
onion like the last time she...
165
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:39,120
Like the last time what? Like
the last time...she manipulated me.
166
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:43,000
Exactly. Precisely. Ya-huh.
167
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,880
Ee-aw.
168
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,280
Mmmmm.
169
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,760
Agh-agh.
170
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:53,480
She deserves everything
that's coming to her.
171
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,120
'Oh! Please be lovely presents.'
172
00:10:56,120 --> 00:11:01,240
By which I most certainly do not
mean lovely presents. 'Oh, bum!'
173
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,400
So, Grant,
you're nearly my intellectual equal.
174
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:10,080
Shall we have an erudite and frank
discussion on the subject
175
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,640
of contemporary philosophy
in relation to Kierkegaard?
176
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,120
She took my leaf.
177
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:21,640
OK, so maybe you'd rather discuss
the impact of ecology
on traditional British industry.
178
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,120
I can't believe she took my leaf.
179
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,200
God, you humans are all the same.
180
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,840
Ohh, a puppy!
181
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,760
I hate puppies.
182
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,760
I hate leaves.
In fact, I hate Michelle.
183
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,400
Animals never let you down.
184
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:42,800
Animals listen and care,
and they're really tasty. That's it!
185
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:47,000
That's how to avoid getting hurt.
I'll just be friends with animals.
186
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,880
Right,
I'd best catch up with some papers.
187
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:55,040
I've got a derogation,
a de-recognition and half
a cheese sandwich to finish.
188
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,200
Oh, and I've got to fire Michelle.
189
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,440
Ha ha ha ha ha!
190
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,360
I shall name you Erasmus.
191
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,760
No, Sophocles.
192
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,600
No, Binky.
193
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,080
Aww! Don't go near my Binky!
194
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,760
I won't.
195
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,720
Can I touch your dog, though?
196
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,400
Uh-huh.
197
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,280
What?
198
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,520
I can't live without Grant.
199
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:38,680
He's been my closest friend for
years and now I have totally ruined
everything. I'm just stupid.
200
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,520
Oh, you're not just stupid.
201
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,200
Thanks, Jen. You're also a whore.
202
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,600
Thanks, Jen.
203
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:50,120
Oh, sorry, I just heard the word
"whore". It was like Pavlov's dogs.
204
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,880
That's why you're drooling, is it?
205
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:55,080
'No. It's because I've been in love
with you since the camping trip.
206
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,480
'Your soul is deep
and your intellect fierce
207
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,400
'and I am in a perpetual turmoil
knowing I can never have you.'
208
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,320
No, I was thinking of me dinner.
I'm having...peanuts.
209
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:11,800
It's just that I've been so used
to Grant instantly forgiving me
for things. I've been spoilt by it.
210
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:16,360
Now he's taken a stand.
Now he can see how horrible I am.
I can't think how to get him back.
211
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,880
I'll tell you what men like. Food.
212
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,720
Well, I can't cook.
213
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,600
Well, I can but I don't want to.
214
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,720
And Grant is allergic
to so many things.
215
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,200
He's allergic to his own hair.
216
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,040
That's why it looks like it's
trying to leap off his head.
217
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,800
Allergies, smallergies.
218
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,560
What? "Smallergies" is a word.
219
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,320
You see it all the time in Glasgow.
220
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,160
Yeah, you say "ochendochenhoydado"
in Glasgow.
221
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,800
It doesn't make it a word. Ohh!
222
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:43,920
Agh!
223
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:45,040
Ooh!
224
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,680
Thank you very much.
No, I am not cooking for him.
225
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,960
It's too intimate.
226
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,360
Oh, sorry, I just heard
the word "intimate".
227
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,760
Well, have you tried asking him
for his help? They love that.
228
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,520
How d'you mean? People like
being asked for help.
229
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:04,840
They think that if they've helped
you, you must be something really
special. It's simple psychology.
230
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:10,840
Think how it makes you feel to
hold the door open for someone. Why
would I do that? Doors are heavy.
231
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,560
Like when you give to charity.
232
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,200
You've lost me.
Like when a kid's crying and...
233
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,120
Kids crying!
234
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,880
"Boo hoo, Michelle kicked me
for getting in her way."
235
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,280
"Boo hoo, I'm a charity advert
and I'm on a drip."
236
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,520
Too much?
237
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,680
Look, all I'm saying is
you have to be a wee bit vulnerable.
238
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,360
Oh, right. Like a damsel in distress.
239
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,680
A lady who's afraidy.
240
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,720
A girl in per-irl.
241
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,760
Exactly. Look, you know
his route home from work,
242
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:51,280
so if he came across you in danger,
he'd have to come to your aid.
243
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:56,000
You know what, Jenny.
That is a very good idea.
What could I do that's a bit risky?
244
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,840
Just something that puts you
in physical danger
so he can feel like a superhero.
245
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:06,640
Sorry, when you said "superhero",
I misheard. I thought you said,
"Please may I sit on your face."
246
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,120
# You say it's not what you do
247
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,360
# It's what you're thinking of
248
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,600
# Well, I think
it's just an excuse... #
249
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:26,880
Ohh!
250
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,360
Oh!
251
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Ohh! Help! Urgh!
252
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,520
Achoo!
253
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,040
Sorry.
254
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,160
# I don't wanna be the one
255
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:09,080
# Making all the noise
256
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,080
# Yeah, I don't wanna be the one
257
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,440
# Hey! #
258
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,800
Ohh! Oh, Grant!
259
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,360
Look, I'm falling! Whah!
260
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,640
Agh!
261
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,800
Agh! Grant!
262
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,640
Whah!
263
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:55,880
Doh!
264
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,320
I have had a day and a half!
265
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,960
Off. You've had a day and a half
off.
266
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,800
I have been mugged,
I nearly drowned in the canal,
267
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,440
I was nearly hit by
a speeding mobility scooter,
268
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,200
which is an oxymoron.
269
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,920
Oh! I was nearly hit by an oxymoron!
270
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,280
We don't bring our personal problems
to work, do we?
271
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:25,600
Michelle, I refuse
to be manipulated by you any longer.
272
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,480
You got this job
due to your manipulation.
273
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,120
You're fired!
274
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,840
What? But...
275
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,520
You're firing me? But...
276
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,200
# Who is the special...? #
277
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,240
Da la la la! Get out!
278
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:44,800
Right, well...
I'll just take my things, then. Do.
279
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,120
Oh, my pencil broke.
280
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,760
Well, bye, Grant.
281
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,320
TOY: Mee! Mow! Doo!
282
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:15,120
Alex...
283
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,120
You don't think
I'm manipulative, do you?
284
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,680
Free crisps coming up.
285
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,040
Oh...
286
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,880
Oh, damn it. Don't worry about it.
It's part of your personality.
287
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:33,480
But it got me fired and I am
really bored of being fired.
288
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,120
Well, then, stop being manipulative.
289
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:41,400
Oh, oh. I suppose you think that if I
told Grant what I was really feeling
290
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:46,560
instead of all the mind games,
he might appreciate I'm actually
insecure and try to understand me
291
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:51,600
and we can begin our friendship
afresh with honesty and trust
being at the core, blah, blah, blah.
292
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,200
Yeah.
293
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,640
Well, thank you, Mr Logic!
294
00:18:55,640 --> 00:19:00,880
I actually meant that, sorry.
I started off being sarcastic
and couldn't stop.
295
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,120
You are so right.
I just need to be honest with him.
296
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:07,640
That's all he wants. I suppose
you want something in return.
297
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,120
Yeah, can you put in
a good word with Jenny for me?
298
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,840
'Specifically, the word "Grrr".'
299
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:17,560
What, you really like her? God,
yeah. She's the only woman
to ever turn me down.
300
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:23,880
Look, why not, with Jenny, take some
of your own advice, instead of all
this macho posturing? What, this?
301
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:30,200
Yes. Oh. Instead of that, why don't
you try being honest with her?
Women love that.
302
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:35,680
Should I tell her about
the children's book I'm writing?
Bongo The Supercilious Frog. Yes!
303
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,920
That I'm scared of going bald?
You do that!
304
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:44,280
That I've never loved anyone and
I cry alone every night and think of
how to end it all? I'd keep shtoom.
305
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,560
I wuv you!
306
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:54,560
No, no, no. I gruv you!
307
00:19:54,560 --> 00:20:00,040
I could just take your little nose
and squoosh it all up and hug you
so tight your eyes popped.
308
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,840
But then I'd be arrested
for animal cruelty.
309
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,560
You see, Binky,
that's what I'm talking about.
310
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:11,840
You and I need never have
human contact again,
not now we have each other.
311
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,520
I know you'd never hurt me,
and I'd never hurt you.
312
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,920
Mmm,
I can see why you like these things.
313
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,440
People like us, Binky,
we're different.
314
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:29,960
We're gentler, more attuned
with nature and the delicate...
315
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,240
Ow! Agh!
316
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,640
Binky, no!
317
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,040
Binky, leave! Binky!
318
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,280
GROWLING AND SNARLING
319
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,400
Binky, no!
320
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,520
< TYRES SCREECH
321
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,280
Binky...
322
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,800
I killed Binky.
323
00:20:55,800 --> 00:21:00,360
I got fired. It was totally unfair.
He broke my pencil.
324
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,320
Maybe you should be more like me.
Be an island.
325
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:07,280
Don't deal with humans
or animals or...
What the hell is this thing?
326
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:12,040
Chris, you're just isolating yourself
because you can't
deal with real life.
327
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,600
We both can't.
328
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:19,880
The reason we slept together
was to not feel anything.
You're immature, right?
329
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:24,560
I have Star Wars figurines in their
original packaging to prove it.
330
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,040
It's probably a good way to be.
331
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,720
I tell you what. Let's make a deal.
332
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,720
We never feel another thing again.
We are islands.
333
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,800
Sounds like a plan to me.
334
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,840
TOY: Wow!
335
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,840
So... So...
336
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,320
So...
337
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,880
I miss Binky! I miss Grant!
338
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,480
I'm sorry for your loss.
339
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,480
All right, gorgeous?
All right, ball bag?
340
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,120
Alex, you know Chris pretty well.
341
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,640
Yeah, I know Chris. I know he's gay.
342
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,320
He's not gay. He perms his hair.
343
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,680
That is not a perm.
344
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,880
He's a murderer.
345
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,800
He's not a murderer!
346
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,560
I'm a murderer!
347
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,120
Look, Jenny, I need to talk to you.
348
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:26,120
I need to tell you about me,
about how I feel about you,
honestly, and...
349
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:32,040
Jenny, I want you to empty me drip
trays and polish me stout pipe.
350
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,400
OK.
351
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:41,840
'What's she's doing, stupid girl?
352
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:45,320
'I said clear as day, "Make me
ejaculate by rubbing me penis."
353
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,080
'Women really are from Venus.'
354
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:52,360
Hello, twinkle tits. What can I
get you? A pillow on which to rest
your freakishly large head?
355
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,040
What would an island drink?
356
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,000
Chris, they are not called Irelands.
357
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,520
They're called Irish.
And the answer is a lot.
358
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,600
Just give me a milk.
359
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:05,640
Hiya, Chris. Here, I'll get this
one for you. What's the trouble?
360
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,000
Trouble? Oh, no trouble.
361
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:13,400
Just that today I lost my
girlfriend, killed a dog and had
to spend time chatting to him.
362
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,600
If this is what a broken heart does
to a man, I don't want it.
363
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,680
I prefer being an island.
I am a rock.
364
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,760
It's Iraq, and Iraq isn't an island.
365
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,720
Don't they teach you anything
at that university?
366
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,160
I've learned more from
having my heart broken
367
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,520
than I ever could from any book.
I just want to be alone for a while.
368
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:33,200
He's so attractive. He's hideous!
369
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,480
He's single, isn't he? Obviously.
370
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,560
He's all Byronic and moody and...
371
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,680
I'll go and have a crack at him.
372
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,080
Chris? Yes, what do you want?
373
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,640
I'm an emotionally stable
nymphomaniac who can cook.
Fancy a bonk?
374
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:50,880
What?!
375
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,440
Pull up a chair.
376
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,080
No!
377
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:58,800
No!
378
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,040
DOORBELL RINGS
379
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,680
Oh, Grant, thank God!
380
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,120
I knew you'd come round in the end!
Can I come in?
381
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,600
Yeah, sorry, course.
382
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,920
It's about your job at the law firm.
383
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:25,080
You're rehiring me?
I knew you would! Yay!
384
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,280
Yay!
385
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,800
Certain items have gone missing
from the office.
386
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,880
Yeah, cos I stole them. Duh!
387
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,400
Why would you steal the bust
of Abraham Lincoln?
388
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,680
I thought it was you. No, you didn't.
389
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,840
Take it. Oh, well, that's all.
390
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,200
Goodbye.
391
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,680
Bye.
392
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,360
Wait.
393
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:59,520
Why aren't you shouting
and stomping about?
394
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,560
Because I always do that
and there's no point any more.
395
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:07,240
You're right, we shouldn't have
anything to do with each other.
I'm not good for you.
396
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,080
No, quite right.
397
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,800
Will you be OK? I'll be fine, Grant.
398
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,360
Good.
399
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,600
I'll see you. Bye.
400
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:24,120
One more thing. What now?
Why did you sleep with him?
401
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,760
Chris? No, Robert Mugabe.
402
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,440
Of course Chris!
403
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,840
Because I'm lonely.
404
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,120
Get a cat.
405
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:38,400
Grant, look, I do want to be your
friend because I love you, but...
406
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,360
It just seems like
every time we're mates,
407
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:44,600
well, I don't seem to be able to
say no when someone offers me...
408
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:48,200
Their penis? Well, yeah.
409
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,120
That's pretty pathetic. I know.
410
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:53,320
No, I mean it.
That's, like, unspeakably sad.
411
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,280
I know.
412
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:58,040
You're, like,
revoltingly awful inside.
413
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,200
It's almost like a mental disorder.
414
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:07,680
No, it's not. I am the same as you,
only you use me to focus your
loneliness on and I use...
415
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,600
Everybody else? Yes.
416
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:14,960
You should leave. I don't want to.
Why?
417
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,240
I dunno.
418
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:22,200
I feel like if I go home now,
I'm just gonna feel... Lonely?
419
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,000
Yeah.
420
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,520
Get used to it.
421
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,160
Goodbye, Grant.
422
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,080
Why did you steal a bust
if you thought it was me?
423
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,400
Because...
424
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,240
Bye, Grant.
425
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,800
But I...
426
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,960
But...look, you can have
your job back, Michelle.
427
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,000
I'll see you at the office
on Monday.
428
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:50,960
Great, thank you.
429
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,520
Yeah, I got my job back, mmm!
430
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,880
Are you ready to tiddle?!
431
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,960
'But a new contender
had strolled into town.
432
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,360
'Alan asked if he could challenge me
to my crown.
433
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,560
'I, of course, accepted.'
434
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,280
Who's up for a beeswax
on the old Burlington Bertie?
435
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:26,440
Give us a monkey on the chalk,
put your favourite
and lay on the steamer...
436
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:28,840
Yeah, like that.
437
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:29,880
OK, OK.
438
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,440
Oh!
439
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,360
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
440
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:45,400
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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