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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,640
Oh!
Who am I kidding?
2
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,320
So, you love me?
Yes, of course.
3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,400
I should concentrate
my vast problematic penis
4
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,560
on someone I know.
Someone I can trust!
5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,080
This is the best day of my life!
6
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,240
That is the most romantic thing
anyone has ever said to me.
7
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:19,640
You're fired. What?!
8
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,480
REALLY fired!
9
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:39,080
Exterminate! Exterminate!
10
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,360
I'm so funny!
11
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,920
You're actually mentally ill.
12
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,560
I'm giving myself volume.
13
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:47,880
I need to go into work
and beg for my job back.
14
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,200
And like most beggars,
I like to look my best.
15
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,760
Look at you!
16
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,040
Wow, where you going? School?
17
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,480
No. I'm going to visit my parents.
18
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,720
They've been on at me for years
about not having a girlfriend,
19
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,480
and being immature, so I'm just
going to stride in,
20
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:05,960
pick up my choo-choo train
and give it to them
21
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,560
right in their smug faces.
22
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,680
I...am...engaged.
23
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,120
Ah, good for you.
24
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,960
Now, which of my outfits says,
25
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,240
"You can't sack me,
I'm the best nutritionist
26
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:19,600
"and you'd be making
a mistake losing me at Glo gym"?
27
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:20,960
That T-shirt one.
28
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,400
There's controversy
surrounding the whole case, Claire.
29
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,520
I'm really in trouble about this.
30
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,520
Didn't think there was anything
wrong at the time
31
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,400
but I'm being vilified by
my colleagues and rival law firms.
32
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,680
Just because someone
had sex with a goose?
33
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,480
No. That would be fine.
34
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,080
For me, obviously.
35
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,440
For the goose, there's
the possibility of explosion.
36
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,000
Then, what?
37
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,920
It was my case and I got special
allowances for the perpetrator.
38
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:56,760
He wasn't put on any register
because, although it's illegal,
39
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,960
there was no way of proving
it wasn't consensual.
40
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,600
"HONK!" doesn't really
stand up in court.
41
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,920
So he got off?
42
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,440
I'll say. I've seen the tapes.
43
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,440
And, off the record,
they seemed very much in love.
44
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,880
No. He's scot-free?
45
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:13,560
I can't disclose his name.
46
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,760
And the press are coming after me
for representing him.
47
00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:17,960
Just look at this!
48
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,200
Oo, let's have a gander.
49
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,360
That is apparently what he said!
50
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,760
Look at the photo!
51
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,160
That was taken at the firm
Christmas party years ago.
52
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,880
It just looks like I'm really happy
about someone...goosing a goose.
53
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,680
Ooh! This is proper FOWL!
54
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,400
That's also apparently what he said.
55
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,800
And the worst thing is...
That your reputation's ruined?
56
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,760
No, they never liked me
that much anyway.
57
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,640
Put so many pins on my chair my bum
is like The Passion of the Christ.
58
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:47,840
Holy.
Actually...yeah.
59
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:51,320
The worst thing is my PA Jemima
refuses to work with me any more.
60
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,120
The company had to move
her sideways.
61
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,600
Fat, was she?
62
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,600
They're saying I have to organise
interviews for a replacement.
63
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,440
All the paperwork
and the advertising.
64
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,480
That might be easier than you think.
Michelle might want a new job.
65
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,200
No way.
Never work with friends or family.
66
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,560
Or Bette Midler
because she's a nightmare!
67
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,040
Alex, can we have a refill, please?
68
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:15,040
Dang Nabbit. I've recently changed
my hayfever medication,
69
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,320
which I use to temper
the aggravation caused by pollen
70
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,360
and airborne particles.
71
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,320
The alteration in my remedial
accoutrements
72
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,320
has resulted
in hallucinatory visions.
73
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,800
I cannot rid myself of
the Metazoic arachnida
74
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,240
that appear to crawl over my skin.
75
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,520
Oh, get off me, tiny spiders. Do.
76
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,360
God bless high protein diets
and rowing machines.
77
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,720
I though you were an engaged woman?
78
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,560
Heard you were meeting
the in-laws today?
79
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,040
What?! Chris didn't say
anything about that.
80
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,960
Yeah, he's telling them
he's getting married.
81
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,560
Well, he must have just forgotten.
82
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,560
Or he's ashamed of you.
83
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,680
Because you're a filthy
foul-mouthed gutter-bound whore.
84
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,400
You were brilliant by the way.
85
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,440
No! Since sleeping with you,
I've become chaste and virginal,
86
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,720
just like Mary...Whitehouse.
87
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,880
THINKING: I could satisfy her.
88
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,400
With my kindness.
89
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,760
And my penis.
90
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,080
I'll just pop round and see him.
91
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,240
There's no way he'd not want
his parents to meet me.
92
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,000
THINKING: Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
93
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,880
THINKING: I don't know,
I'm not psychic.
94
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:26,800
No-one must ever know.
95
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,840
This is why we use waterproof.
96
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,600
Such pretty eyes.
97
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,840
Hey Chris!
Claire! What are you doing here?
98
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,200
We're gonna meet your parents.
99
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,200
But you're a filthy foul-mouthed
gutter-bound whore.
100
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,320
And my parents
are respectable professionals.
101
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,240
This is why my family never cuddle.
You're different.
102
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:48,720
You're of a different...
103
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,800
Class? Species.
104
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,680
They're not going to accept
I'm going out with...
105
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,760
Someone from the working classes?
An animal.
106
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,400
My dad and his girlfriend
are very proper and conservative.
107
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,640
What about your real mum?
108
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,440
She left when I was a toddler.
109
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,400
Sometimes I imagine
she was Janet Jackson,
110
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,920
which is where I get my lashes.
111
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,400
Is that why you always drink milk?
112
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,480
Because you have
a maternal breast fixation?
113
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,160
No, I have a breast fixation because
I'm a man. Milk is just tasty.
114
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:18,840
Well, fine.
115
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,560
I can be ladylike.
116
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:24,120
"Good day, Mr Hamilton,
what a super morning it truly is.
117
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,800
"Let us play polo
and beat the staff with mallets."
118
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,280
KNOCKING
119
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,120
Come!
120
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,440
In.
121
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,360
Morning, frown lines!
122
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,240
Ha! Made you touch your forehead!
123
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,680
Yeah. Witty.
124
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,760
Rachel, I thought
it was the chairman.
125
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,360
Like daddy cared.
126
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,160
Now, what's this about being unhappy
being sacked,
127
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,360
you silly, silly sausage...ankles?
128
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,240
I think it's unfair.
129
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,880
You dislike my friendship with Grant
130
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,960
and you're using it
to sabotage my career.
131
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,560
You think nutrition is a career -
132
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,840
that makes me want
to trump loudly on your head!
133
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,760
Strolling round like
some sort of made-up scientist.
134
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,000
I am some sort of made-up scientist!
135
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,520
I advise on what foods people
should put into their bodies.
136
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,000
That's called waitressing.
137
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,240
I have a degree!
138
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,240
A degree!
139
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,480
A degree.
140
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,480
Oh, poo sticks.
A degree is something
141
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,080
one can get off the internet,
142
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,240
like orphans
or Terence Trent D'Arby.
143
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,560
But hey, you were so much fun
to sack,
144
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,720
I'll let you in on a little secret.
145
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,720
Oo, should we kiss?
146
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,280
No!
Oh.
147
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,800
My lips were all tingly
at the thought.
148
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,280
Inner and outer.
149
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,400
Look, just tell me.
150
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,960
There are two other positions going,
I'll let you take your pick.
151
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,120
One is as manager and coordinator
152
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,680
of the distribution of...
153
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,840
Doo-doo-doo-doo!
154
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,600
..towels!
155
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,480
Towels?!
156
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,840
I refuse to be towel girl.
I refuse!
157
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,120
Am I giving a shit?
Let me think...
158
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,360
Hmm.
159
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,440
Sadly not! Tatty-bye!
160
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,440
No, no, no, Rachel. Wait! Wait!
161
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,560
Look, I need this job,
I need any job.
162
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:31,880
What's the other one?
163
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:35,280
Working as Claire's trainee
in the beauty rooms.
164
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,040
I can do that. How hard could it be?
165
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,440
So when do we kiss?
166
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,040
SHE GROWLS
167
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,200
Stupid Chris.
Stupid Mum and Dad.
168
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,880
Stupid thinking they'd change.
169
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,080
I'm not a child, I'm a man.
170
00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:00,320
I'm a grown man, and I'm engaged!
171
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,520
I'm engaged to a woman.
172
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,200
I'm not ten!
173
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,560
I'm not a baby.
174
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,240
Oh, I'm naked!
175
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,000
I'll leave you to it.
176
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,640
Grant, wait!
177
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,320
I went to see my parents -
178
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,840
to tell them I was getting married.
179
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,480
I've not been out with someone
for so long,
180
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,280
they thought I was making it up.
They laughed at me!
181
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,560
Then, introduce her to them.
182
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:32,120
God, no! She'd only start humping
the furniture and guzzling Sherry.
183
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,600
Claire doesn't drink sherry.
184
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,040
Sherry's my aunt.
185
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,280
Maybe I could train her up.
186
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,080
I can be just like Dr Doolittle!
187
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,320
You're confusing her
with Eliza Doolittle.
188
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,040
No, no, she really is an animal.
189
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:49,000
Now... What you got there? A list
of all the things my PA used to do.
190
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,560
You know Michelle
might be looking for...
191
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,400
No way! I got principles.
192
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,640
I can do everything
Jemima used to do.
193
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,480
And if I do it myself
I'll be saving the firm a few quid,
194
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,560
so Cub Scout points for Grant!
195
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:01,800
You mean Brownie?
196
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,520
Don't call me a mean Brownie!
197
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,200
Thanks for this, Claire.
Really didn't want to be towel girl.
198
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,600
Towel Girl!
Defender of naked dryness.
199
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,240
Fighter of moist!
200
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,000
Now, the main things we learn
at beauty school
201
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,560
is that the customer
is always right.
202
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,320
SHE YELPS
203
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,000
What the hell was that?!
204
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,760
Come on. It's not the first time
you've been in that state.
205
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,480
That's a waste and I have to control
how much stock we have.
206
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,240
Like you don't top these
up with mayonnaise and urine?
207
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,440
Actually, Michelle,
uric acid is an exfoliant,
208
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,360
so there's a good reason
for the time you found me
209
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,080
squatting over the moisturiser.
210
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,000
Take this seriously.
211
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:51,600
The thriving economics of the beauty
industry relies solely on this.
212
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,280
Eurgh.
213
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,600
My God, what a sham!
214
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,120
You need this job and you need
to know how to do it properly
215
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,600
if you're going to work for me.
216
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,760
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?
217
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,280
I'm not working for you.
I'm an expert in nutrition
218
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,400
and I'm really clever.
I want to be the boss.
219
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,040
You can't. You're not qualified.
220
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,640
Cream on face, wipe off,
charge money, there.
221
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,920
I'm as qualified as you.
222
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,520
It takes three years to train!
223
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,200
I must be really good, then,
it only took me five seconds.
224
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,400
Listen, your job is
just ripping people off.
225
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,760
Same as Rachel's is being a bossy
old tit-grabbing bitch. Ahem!
226
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,440
Two words.
227
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:29,880
Towel.
228
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,720
Girl.
229
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,080
And two more.
230
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,280
Ha, ha.
231
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,120
God, this is really hard!
232
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,240
Oh, God, this is really hard!
233
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,520
Can you send in some coffee, please?
234
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,400
Yes, of course, Grant.
235
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,480
I've been really good for weeks.
236
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,640
I've not undone anyone's trousers
or flirted with any men.
237
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:18,680
I've been a consummate lady.
238
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,040
You're doing it now.
239
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,440
Oh. Sorry.
240
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,200
THINKING: I crave human touch.
241
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,880
Sometimes I cry at night.
242
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,120
Chris is going to help me, he says.
243
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,360
I'm going round to his house later
and learn how to be ladylike.
244
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,000
So I can meet his parents.
245
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,840
I can be ladylike!
You're doing it again.
246
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,720
Oh, sorry.
247
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,680
Towel girl!
248
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,600
That's what they'll call me! Me!
249
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,640
I'm really good at stuff
and I'll have the moniker of
250
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,440
a feminine hygiene product.
251
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,920
I wish I had a degree
but the exams sort of clashed
252
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,280
and I really needed my roots doing.
253
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,720
You have to prioritise.
254
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,040
But I was always good enough
for Glo gym.
255
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,520
You not even qualified?
256
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,800
You haven't got a degree?
Even I've got a degree.
257
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,320
Oh, yeah, what in? Bartending?
258
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,200
THINKS: No, I have a First
in History And Philosophy Of Science
259
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,280
from Cambridge University.
260
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,960
No-one will ever know
my secret pain.
261
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,440
Yeah, bartending.
262
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,920
Oh, my giddiest of aunts, in all
this educational disorientation,
263
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,880
I've forgotten
whether I have a tattoo.
264
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,360
I feel compelled to verify
that I indeed do not.
265
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,200
I indeed do not.
266
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,240
I'm just a piece of meat
to these people.
267
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,400
I so miss punting.
268
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:39,120
You're not a proper nutritionist.
You could seriously hurt someone.
269
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,120
You deserve to be towel girl.
270
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,320
Oh. Well, I'll show you.
271
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,800
I've always made a success out
of everything I've put my mind to.
272
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,280
Except the degree thing.
273
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,080
And the relationship thing.
274
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,600
And I never finished this scarf.
275
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,160
But I will be the best at this job.
Towel, madam?
276
00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,280
It's towel girl.
You'll be towel girl.
277
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,640
Wow!
278
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,480
I know, you can't see anything.
279
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,600
No. You look so nice. You look like
Velma from Scooby Doo.
280
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,040
I used to have a big crush on her.
281
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,680
She was an animated character.
282
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,360
Oh, I thought she was quite sedate.
283
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,480
What shall we do
about your bad language?
284
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,840
Can we get it
out of the way somehow?
285
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,400
Flaps, sluts, tits, arse,
286
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,480
crap, bollocksy balls,
farty pants, Rusty Lee.
287
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,080
Why Rusty Lee?
288
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,560
She's obviously so dirty.
289
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:34,840
And the accent?
290
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,120
West Indian, I think.
291
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,360
No, yours. It's a bit coarse.
292
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,400
Oh. Well, I can go posh.
293
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,160
Just expand your vowels.
294
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,640
I already did. Got a bit nervous
about meeting the in-laws.
295
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,960
No. Say "How now brown cow."
296
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,240
How now brown cow.
297
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,320
I enjoy the company of the Queen.
298
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:55,400
Posher.
299
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,400
I drink too much and sleep
with the nanny. Posher.
300
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,480
I drive a four-by-four
and pay prostitutes to poo on me.
301
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,960
Too posh. Somewhere between the two.
302
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,320
Fwah-fwah-fwah-fwah!
303
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,080
By jove, I think she's got it!
304
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,840
I do, but it'll clear up in a week.
305
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:12,880
OK...
306
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,920
We've talked about cutlery.
307
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,000
No stabbing.
And sexual habits.
308
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,960
No stabbing.
309
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,440
So I think we're ready.
310
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,160
SHE GROANS
311
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,840
Maybe I should have used more
fabric conditioner, and less starch.
312
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,320
Oh!
313
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:37,240
Oh, Grant!
Thank you so much for coming.
314
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,440
This is really hard.
315
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,040
I wish I could find a job
more suited to my talents.
316
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:46,160
Something in an office.
Something clerical, maybe. PA work.
317
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,600
Erm... So, where
you taking me for lunch?
318
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,800
What?
319
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,920
You phoned and said you wanted
to take me for lunch.
320
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,920
Oh, is that what I said?
321
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,200
I may have got my words mixed up.
322
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,320
When I said, "I'd love to take you
to Lounge Ten and give you a cuddle"
323
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,400
what I meant was, "Fold my towels".
324
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:04,800
Right.
325
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,200
I can't say "certificate" either.
Weird.
326
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,360
Then, my answer would have been no.
327
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,200
As it is, I've thrown my egg roll
and Penguin away for nothing.
328
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,040
Thanks a lot.
329
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,680
I'm sorry. But, please help me.
330
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,000
Look, just follow the instructions
on the machine.
331
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,840
I can't follow instructions!
332
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,520
Every time it tells me something,
I want to do the opposite.
333
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,200
Just use your common sense
and judgment.
334
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,600
I have none! None at all!
335
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,080
I go out without an umbrella
when it looks like rain
336
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,320
because I reckon it won't rain
because I have no umbrella,
337
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:35,720
and when it does rain, I blame
the rain for my lack of umbrella.
338
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,120
That makes no sense.
339
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,680
See!
340
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:42,440
The only thing I've ever been good at
was my stupid little job here.
341
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,840
And nobody realised how stupid
and easy it was.
342
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,280
You seemed to always take pride
in your work.
343
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,240
You said what
a good nutritionist you were.
344
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,280
Lies! Fat people - eat less.
345
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,320
Thin people - eat more.
346
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,040
Now everyone's gonna find out,
347
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,600
they'll make my job obsolete
and I'll be...
348
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,840
"Towel, madam?"
349
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,720
It's towel girl.
350
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,280
You'll be towel girl.
351
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,400
SHE SNORTS
352
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,680
Look, can you file?
353
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,480
No.
Can you make tea?
354
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,560
Not for other people.
355
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,360
Can you type?
356
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,760
I can text.
357
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,280
There's a job going at my place.
358
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,960
I need a new PA.
359
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,880
It's good pay.
360
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,520
Why don't you come in
for an interview?
361
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,520
Really?
362
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,520
Oh, thank you, thank you! Thank you!
363
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,360
HE SIGHS
364
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,040
Now, how about that lunch?
365
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:48,160
Yes. We'll go to Lounge Ten.
366
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,520
And when I say "Lounge Ten" I mean,
367
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,400
"I'll go to get myself a Happy Meal,
you stay here and fold towels!"
368
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,800
Dear heart! Meeting stepmummy
and daddy will be tickety-boo!
369
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,480
Darling poppet, you have a smidgen
of quail's egg on your...
370
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,320
What're you doing?
I've got lipstick all over me!
371
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,560
That's what new couples do.
No matter how respectable.
372
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,360
How do you feel about mascara?
Such pretty eyes.
373
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,200
Come on!
374
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:23,160
Mum, Dad, this is
my fiancee, Claire.
375
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,280
Claire, this is my father.
376
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,080
Oh....erm...hello, Tony.
377
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,680
Hello, Claire.
378
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,320
How do you know my dad?
379
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,040
He must work out at the gym.
380
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,560
Members of the same library?
381
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,800
Golfing buddies?
382
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,440
You've slept with him.
383
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,000
Oh, my God!
384
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,720
I'm so sorry, Chris.
385
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,400
Me too. And me.
386
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:53,160
No. You...
You're an iniquitous deviant!
387
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,640
And so are you. And you.
388
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,680
BARTENDER THINKING: And me.
How could you?
389
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,720
How could any of you?!
Just tell me how?
390
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,440
THINKING: We did it
with our kindness
391
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,680
and our penis...es.
392
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:08,040
This is really uncomfortable.
I think we should leave.
393
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,080
Chris, we needed
a bit of spicing up.
394
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,680
In the bedroom.
395
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,200
With sex.
396
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,560
In our bottoms.
397
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,640
She's not my real mum!
398
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:22,600
I gave birth to you! I wish you'd
stop saying I'm not your real mum.
399
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,360
Just get out! All of you
get out and leave me alone!
400
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,120
Come on. Let's give him some time.
401
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:33,520
Claire...we haven't seen you
at any of the parties for ages.
402
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,680
What parties?
403
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,360
The ones in our bottoms.
404
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,080
So, M'lord.
405
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,120
My interview's at five,
406
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,960
which leaves us just enough time
407
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,000
for you to...give me
the interview questions!
408
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,520
That's immoral.
409
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,320
Wasn't it immoral to represent
that gosling-guzzling lover
410
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,800
of Mother Goose in court?
411
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,280
Wasn't it immoral to sleep
with me out of wedlock?
412
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,600
Yes...but that was also
really, really fun.
413
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,000
This is serious. The firm can't
have any more controversy after...
414
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,880
HONK!
415
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,240
I already did you one favour
416
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,280
letting you know
about the position, so no more.
417
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,440
I'll interview you fairly.
418
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,840
Fine.
Then you know what I'll have to do...
419
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,520
No. Not that. Please not that.
420
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,240
I'm going to use my feminine wiles.
421
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,560
Oh, Nelly.
422
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,320
Look, I'm really sorry.
Can we talk about this?
423
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,800
I'm not speaking to you.
424
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,880
I could send a card,
only Hallmark don't have a good
425
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,480
"Sorry I Banged Your Parents"
selection.
426
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,280
I never want to see you again!
427
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,960
You're just revolting.
428
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,160
I know.
429
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,560
But if it helps,
they were very nice to me.
430
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,160
It doesn't help in the slightest.
431
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,080
Biscuits and lemonade
afterwards and everything.
432
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,320
Really doesn't help!
433
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,040
And it doesn't mean
they don't love you.
434
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:57,480
They talked about you when they were
cleaning me off afterwards.
435
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,960
Just go home, Claire.
436
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,840
I can't. I gave my keys
to your mum and dad.
437
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,480
Said I'd meet them there.
438
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,440
They're just really good in bed.
439
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,800
They're the worst people ever!
The worst parents ever.
440
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,920
Actually, I think Agamemnon
in Euripides' Iphigenia At Aulis
441
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,600
was more of an arsehole
to be honest.
442
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,360
You know, they sent me
to private school!
443
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,520
That must be hard.
444
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,240
When I passed my driving test,
did they buy me a car? No.
445
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,800
How upsetting!
446
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,000
When we summered in the Alps
did I get my own room? No?
447
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,320
Yeah, I did.
But it once had a spider in it!
448
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,480
SQUEAKY VOICE: You don't understand!
449
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,640
Pardon?
450
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,160
You're Derrida's nan?
451
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,360
Yes, Claire. I thought that now
would be the perfect time and place
452
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,280
to ask if you were Algerian-born
453
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,560
French philosopher
Jacques Derrida's grandmother.
454
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:44,840
You don't understand!
455
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,080
You don't understand!
456
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:54,840
Thank you, Mr Warburton.
457
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,440
You'll be contacted in due course.
458
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:57,760
SHE SNIGGERS
459
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,840
Ms Booth? I'm ready for you now.
460
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:08,400
"Ms Booth, I'm ready for you now!"
Grant, you knob.
461
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,800
Come on!
Michelle, don't!
462
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,120
HE CLEARS THROAT DRAMATICALLY
463
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,440
Jesus, lighten up a bit, Grant.
464
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,960
Let's get this over with
and just give me the job.
465
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,320
OK.
466
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,520
Start by telling me a bit
about yourself
467
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,960
and why you'd like this job.
468
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,000
Um...fine.
469
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,680
I would like this job
because lawyers are really rich
470
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,440
and I want to nab myself one.
471
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,520
Still a bit drunk from lunch.
472
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,800
Oh. Is this what Work Grant's like?
473
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,920
Awwww. Why so sad, Work Grant?
474
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,520
If we were to offer
you this position,
475
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,400
you'd be taking a significant
pay cut from your last post.
476
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,200
Can you tell me what your reasons
were for leaving that job?
477
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,400
OK. My reasons for leaving my last
job were...
478
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,240
They didn't like me smoking crack
at work.
479
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,560
And what can I say?
I love me crack.
480
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:16,440
Michelle, I'm telling you this as
a friend - take...this...seriously.
481
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,480
The firm can't afford to have
"liabilities" on staff...
482
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,720
not after...HONK!
483
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,720
Oh... OK. Sorry, you're right.
484
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,760
I'll behave. Sorry.
485
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,320
Would you like some water?
486
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,840
I'm perfectly OK. Thank you.
487
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,880
OK.
488
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,160
Let's start with you telling me
a bit about yourself
489
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,880
and why you want this job?
490
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,840
Because no-one else
will employ me!
491
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,120
They say I'm an arse.
492
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,120
SHE LAUGHS
493
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,880
Michelle!
494
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,960
The interview is being recorded.
495
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,960
You don't know the agony!
I'm a victim of childhood neglect!
496
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,280
No, I suppose I don't.
497
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,320
My childhood was pretty idyllic,
498
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,320
I only met my dad a couple of times.
499
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,960
He was a bit of a card.
500
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,440
Cheeky bit of shoplifting,
naughty bit of philandering,
501
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,880
mischievous bit of murder.
502
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,520
What! I'm joking. Oh, good!
503
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,760
It wasn't mischievous at all,
it was evil.
504
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,560
But like I say,
he wasn't around much.
505
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,000
So you've got no dad.
506
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,160
No, I had loads of dads!
507
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,040
I'd get a new dad about once a week.
508
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,920
It was hard to keep up
with their names.
509
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,920
There was Shouty, Drunky,
Punchy, Pervy.
510
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,880
Awww, I felt like Snow White.
511
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,440
That's unbelievable! I know.
512
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,600
It was brilliant!
513
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,400
Mum calmed down though
after she lost her arm.
514
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:53,680
How did she lose her arm?
515
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,120
She was drunk driving one day
516
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,880
and she managed to run over
her own arm in a stolen Fiat Uno.
517
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,640
Took it clean off.
518
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,240
You've got to admire
that level of stupidity.
519
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:04,600
I'm so spoilt.
520
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,120
I think I want to look after you.
521
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:11,360
What?!
522
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:14,800
I know. And I don't even like you.
You slept with my parents!
523
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,320
Tell me some more.
Well, the only food I got
524
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,080
when I was a kiddie was what the old
people next door would sneak to me.
525
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:24,320
Aw, poor Claire.
What am I doing?! I hate you.
526
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,000
And my clothes were always dirty,
527
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,280
which meant I was horrifically
bullied at school everyday.
528
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,800
Oh, God.
529
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,760
Even if I don't want to be engaged,
I still want to do this.
530
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,400
Urghh! Hmmm! What's going on?!
531
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:43,640
I think we like each other.
532
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,120
Urghhh!
533
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:46,840
Let's do it again.
534
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:51,920
Urghhh!
535
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:56,920
I'll be lucky to keep
my own job after that.
536
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,360
I wouldn't want to work here
at goosey goosey slander anyway.
537
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:03,480
Smelly-wigged,
pompous old law bastards.
538
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:05,680
PHONE RINGS
539
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:09,880
Yes, sir, of course.
540
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,160
They asked,
"Can you do the dance again?"
541
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,120
I can't believe I got the job!
542
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,040
I am so proud of us.
543
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,640
I don't want any credit
at all for that.
544
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,040
And you won't take on
any more of those horrible cases.
545
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,160
I'm totally morally opposed
to bestiality.
546
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,480
Oh, don't worry, Michelle,
it's highly unlikely
547
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,760
that another case like that
will come up.
548
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,000
Mr Grant.
549
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,480
Mr Grant.
550
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,000
It's happened again.
551
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,640
GOOSE HONKS
552
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:58,760
Mmmm. You are easily
as good as your dad.
553
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,960
Urghhh!
554
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,840
You are the best PA I've ever had!
555
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,480
I know, I'm really slutty, aren't I!
556
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:08,360
Oh! Oh! Yes, yes, yes!
557
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,240
Harder, harder, ooohhh!
558
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:11,840
You're never gonna have sex again!
559
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,320
Ha-ha-ha!
560
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:17,000
What we're gonna do is plant
some drugs on Mr Crow.
561
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,680
We're gonna phone the police,
then get him fired. Ha!
562
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,440
Behold!
563
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,760
No, I refuse to take advantage
of you in this state!
65170
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