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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
How dare you! Just leave! What?
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,160
I feel really good
about myself and...
3
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,000
I'm never having sex again! NO!
4
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:14,200
Alex, I thought we had a connection!
I thought you liked me. Well,
5
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:17,920
it was a slow night.
I was a bit bored. What?!
6
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,640
Chris, what are you doing? Nothing.
7
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:42,880
Michelle, I don't suppose you've got
a wig and some lipstick, have you?
8
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,720
Chris, that is foul!
9
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,600
Sorry. I've been celibate for seven
years and I REALLY don't wanna be.
10
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:54,640
There's no need to take it out on
my melon! Actually, I was gonna
put it into your melon.
11
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,560
You're the one who's supposed to have
five portions a day, not the fruit!
12
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:03,720
After seven years, you're
lucky I'm using a drill. Nothing
happening between you and Claire?
13
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:08,080
I didn't like her when she was
all easy and on a plate,
but now she's found religion,
14
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:12,000
she's all sweet and clean and ripe
and packed with vitamin C!
15
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,280
Sorry.
16
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,280
PHONE BEEPS
17
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,360
Oh, no! I'm late for lunch.
Look, take it from me, Chris,
18
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:23,040
you do not want to get it on with
someone you have to see every day.
19
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:23,040
I've avoided Bar Salade
20
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:28,240
ever since Alex treated me like a sex
object, since he broke my heart...
21
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,840
Hello, Claire.
Bar Salade, 15 minutes.
22
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:33,640
Don't judge me!
23
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,120
Don't judge ME.
24
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,240
Oh, no! It's Alex!
We have to go somewhere else.
25
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:49,920
Can we wait for my bosom
26
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:49,920
to stop moving first? We don't have
that sort of time! Patience!
27
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:59,680
There! Just...back..out...
28
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,440
very inconspicuously...like this.
29
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,280
Just stand very still.
30
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,440
He may not have seen us.
31
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,880
Michelle, there's no need to worry!
32
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:18,040
Since rediscovering my faith,
I've found out
that all men are good, really.
33
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:23,320
Unlike before when you thought all
men were really good? Don't be
sarcastic! I'm sorry.
34
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:27,680
Sarcasm is the
lowest form of wit. Really?
I'd always thought it was this.
35
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,840
But now you've told me it's sarcasm,
I feel devilishly clever!
36
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,760
Look, let's just go.
I'd be more worried about that
big stain on your...
37
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:44,400
You're so easy! Let's just leave.
38
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:44,400
We'll go Centro, get you one
of those doughnuts you like.
39
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,680
They prefer to be called waiters.
40
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,720
And I'm not like that any more.
41
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,200
Alex, cooee!
42
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,360
All right?
Oh, would you look at that?
43
00:02:55,360 --> 00:03:00,000
There appears to be a stubborn
stain on this counter top.
I shall need a hardier material.
44
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,560
Ooh! He's coming over!
45
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,880
No, I don't want to see him!
46
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,920
All right? What's that?
47
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,240
I'm funny and hot.
48
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:17,360
Yes, well, I don't care.
And the aggressive texts
49
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:17,360
and stuff I've been sending -
50
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:21,720
the graffiti I wrote about your
death, the sexual begging letter
51
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:21,720
to David Furnish -
52
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:27,440
it was all to say, "I don't mind you
treating like something you'd scoop
53
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:27,440
from the folds of Eamonn Holmes!"
54
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:31,360
By the way, David Furnish
wants to meet. Cool.
55
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,720
It got a bit heavy. What with you
being a bit... A bit what?
56
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,160
Bleurgh. Bleurgh?
57
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,280
Bleurgh. Bleurgh?!
58
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,120
Yeah. Bleurgh.
59
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,320
Are we playing bulimia?
Can I be Geri Halliwell?
60
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:49,040
MUSIC: This Morning theme
61
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,600
'So, Tarquin, take us through
Joanne's look. What did you do?'
62
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,880
There's just something
really filthy about Fern.
63
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,640
Ow! I mean, look at her.
64
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,120
I'm gonna have to lay
Sylvia Plath over my lap.
65
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,760
Aaarh! Ow!
66
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,800
Aaarh! Ow!
67
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,160
Aaarh!
68
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,080
Ow! Ow! Ow!
69
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,440
Grant, you strange little foetus...
70
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,080
Yes, Chris? What are you doing?!
71
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,040
Aversion therapy.
72
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,040
I'm trying to forget about Michelle.
73
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,040
And once again, "Ow!"
That's why you're wearing braces?
74
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:31,080
Actually, they're to stop people
75
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:31,080
pulling my pants down in court.
76
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:36,000
It really wrecks your chances
when you're trying to defend them
on public indecency charges!
77
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,880
How does it work?
78
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,880
They're hooked over my shoulders
79
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,880
so the pants stay up.
80
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,680
No! The aversion therapy.
81
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,640
Well, every time I
think about Michelle,
I give myself a little ping.
82
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,920
So I come
83
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,920
to associate Michelle with pain.
84
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,920
Ah! I think my nipple just fell off!
85
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,480
Aaarh! What are you doing?
86
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,520
Oh, it's just...
87
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,480
You know when you...?
88
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,320
Have you ever...?
89
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,240
D'you ever feel...?
90
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:16,320
Can't say I ever do, no.
What about...?
91
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:24,160
Oddly, no. I've got to see Claire!
92
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,400
Hello!
93
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,400
Are you wearing Michelle's pants?
94
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,280
What are you doin' later?
95
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:41,480
Ah, no!
96
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,320
This is devastating!
97
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,520
What does he mean by "bleurgh"?!
98
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,720
Oh, get over yourself. Some people
live without money or food!
99
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,760
What's that got to do with anything?
100
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,760
I needed cheering up?
101
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,360
I thought you were all Christian
and good now? No. Catholic.
102
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,720
We have a cruel streak.
103
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,920
The closest thing to this,
was when I had a dream
I was marrying Stevie Wonder.
104
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,800
He ran off into Alton Towers and I
chased him, but I couldn't catch him
105
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,800
cos he went on the log flume.
106
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:15,000
I talked to this hippo and he
recommended not eating Monster Munch
before turning into a Toyota Yaris.
107
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:19,360
And it was the worst thing that has
ever happened to me...until now!
108
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:24,000
Right. For a bit of perspective,
I was beaten and left for dead
109
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:24,000
by my junkie boyfriend
110
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,720
when I was 15, and I still
wake up screaming in the night.
111
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,320
Oh, you're so selfish.
This is about ME!
112
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:36,880
Fine. What do you think he
means by "bleurgh"? Did he say
113
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:36,880
anything after you'd slept together?
114
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,120
No. He simply got up and went off.
115
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,800
Then he left.
116
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,800
Had you done anything different?
117
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,600
Any new noises or moves?
118
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:49,600
No, it was magical. I did all my
best tricks. I even pulled out
a rabbit at one point.
119
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,800
Don't ask.
120
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,240
Maybe that's
what he found a bit bleurgh.
121
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,160
No, it can't be. I was on fire!
122
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,320
Literally, at one point. Candles?
123
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:06,240
No, thank you.
It must be something physical.
124
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,960
There must be something wrong with me
that he doesn't like. Oh, your nose!
125
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:15,120
My nose! What's wrong with my nose?!
126
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:15,120
Nothing! Don't throw a Westbrook.
127
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:19,160
I've got to find my bleurgh!
Where is my bleurgh?!
128
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,000
OK.
129
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,040
No.
130
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,880
They are admittedly hypnotic!
131
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,000
They say if you look
at them directly, you go blind.
132
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,200
So, why don't you strip off
and let me check?
133
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:41,720
I'm holy now. I can be as
134
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:41,720
objective and uninterested about
a naked woman as any priest.
135
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,640
Well, OK.
136
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,840
Phwoar! Chris!
137
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,120
What are you doing under there?
138
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,280
I'm sniffing the chairs.
139
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,600
O-O-Obviously. Urgh!
140
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,160
I need to find someone
to appraise my naked body.
141
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,760
Someone who isn't horny or...
reborny!
142
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,760
Ciao, bella!
143
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,000
Ciao, bell-end!
144
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:23,160
'Ow! No, Grant!
145
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:23,160
Don't think of Michelle, think of...
146
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,320
'an igloo.
147
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:30,560
'Aw, stupid, dirty,
naked-Michelle igloo!
148
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,520
'Right.
Let's think of Judge John Deed.
149
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:40,200
'Oh, it's working!
Oh, look at his smashing shirt.
150
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,760
'That's right, Judge John Deed.
151
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:46,240
'Bang your little...hammer thingy.
152
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:51,040
'Fondle those
153
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:51,040
curly, sheep-like locks. Brilliant!'
154
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:55,080
Oh, Grant. Thank God you're here!
I need you to look at me naked.
155
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,520
Now, Grant, we are just friends
and you've seen me naked before,
156
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,040
so you can be objective about this,
can't you?
157
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:13,360
Go on. Please! Absolutely no way.
158
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:18,560
But you've gotta sleep with me!
My testicles are like Ribena berries
on anabolic steroids.
159
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,720
And my manhood is
like a can of Red Bull.
160
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:27,720
I have a tuck shop in my trousers
and the Curly Wurlys are melting!
161
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:32,320
Chris, I've told you already.
I value my faith too much
to go back to my old ways.
162
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:37,400
But your old ways were great! Sure,
you spent half your life wondering,
"What is this discharge?"
163
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:42,600
And yeah, when your crabs got so
big they had recognisable faces,
that was going a bit far, but...
164
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,880
come on! You fancy me.
I know you do.
165
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:49,280
Yeah, I do. You have hair
like a black Michael Jackson
166
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,040
and a chin
that'd make a lovely seat!
167
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:55,600
No, no! I'm Catholic.
I'm resolutely committed to this.
168
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,720
But I had to go up an underpant size
in Marks and Spencer's!
169
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,760
My Y-fronts would fit Fern.
Aw, Fern!
170
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,560
Have you tried masturbating?
171
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,960
It's a sin,
but it's a really cool one!
172
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,600
Why would I do that when
you're so very slutty?
173
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,800
I'm not! Not any more. I'm reborn!
174
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,840
I'm looking after my soul.
175
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,320
And my hole.
176
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,400
So no, Chris.
Don't make it any harder on me!
177
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,160
Believe me,
I'm trying not to make it harder.
178
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,600
I'm sorry, Claire. I forgot how
important your faith was.
179
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:33,480
Maybe you should wear a nun's
habit to solidify the notion for me.
180
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,440
I've got to go.
There's somewhere I need to be.
181
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:40,920
Are you going to see Father McShay?
No! I'm going to the ladies'
for a sin!
182
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,400
Oh, hello!
183
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,800
Darling, your Red Bull's showing.
Tuck it in.
184
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:51,960
Oh, no! Kevin Keegan's back!
And this time others can see him.
185
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,840
Aw! Could you really
not find one fault?
186
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,440
H-H-Ha-ah.
187
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:02,520
Not one? Ah-ah. I'll have to ask Alex
what he meant by "bleurgh" myself.
188
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,000
Ah-aaah. You're right, Grant!
189
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,680
And when I do, I'm gonna look
as un-bleurgh as possible. Huh-uh-uh.
190
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,440
No, Grant. "Bleurgh". Aw!
191
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:22,840
You! Beauty whore! Take it away.
192
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:22,840
Chris? What have you done to him?
193
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:27,160
Keegan basically tried to "bum me up
big style", to use your vernacular.
194
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,240
That is not my vernacular! Flapping!
195
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,280
Yes, it was wonderfully pathetic.
196
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,440
If I still had the penis I was
born with, it would have
dropped right off in shock!
197
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,120
OK. OK. I'm going! Just stop
being so horrible. And touch me.
198
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,400
Oh, my dear!
Nobody's going to touch you.
199
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,440
Nobody wants someone so
desperate and inexperienced!
200
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,200
Rachel! My flabber would be
gasted if you ever have sex again!
201
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,400
Not that I have flabber.
I had it sucked off at 19.
202
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,880
Which is probably the last time you
had it sucked off, isn't it, love?
203
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,800
Touch me.
204
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,400
Hello, Alex.
205
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:20,320
Hiya. Don't you "hiya" me, you
206
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:20,320
Mancunian, muscle-bound rug-muncher!
207
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,520
Did you just call me a lesbian?
208
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,000
Not after you shamed and humiliated
me in the most cruel of ways!
209
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,840
You have totally ruined my life!
Sorry about that.
210
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:34,640
Who are you, by the way?
I am Michelle Booth!
Fabulous, fabulous Michelle Booth!
211
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,880
I'm the bleurgh one.
The one that is bleurgh.
Oh, yeah. How are you doing?
212
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,120
Well...I am not bleurgh!
213
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,640
Tell me what it means!
Bleurgh...you know?
214
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,320
I thought it was something physical,
but it's not. I'm fine physically.
215
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,200
AMERICAN ACCENT: And I'm fine
African-Americanly.
216
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,840
It weren't physical or nothing.
And by the way...kudos!
217
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,160
I know. They're hypnotic.
218
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,080
Don't look!
They may make you act like a chicken.
219
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:06,000
You are feeling very sleepy.
Now tell me what "bleurgh" means.
220
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,480
You're obsessed with how you look
and you're just dead vain.
221
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:13,640
Vain?! Yeah, you know, arrogant,
conceited, narcissistic...bleurgh!
222
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,200
Yes, I know what vain means,
and I'm not it.
223
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,240
If I were vain, I wouldn't be wearing
224
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,240
these black patent shoes
with this belt.
225
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,280
I'd be wearing my chunky, chain-loop
one that looks fabulous on me.
226
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,280
But, like,
227
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,160
if you weren't vain,
you wouldn't have even noticed.
228
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,760
Oh, my godfathers! That dishwasher
never gets my glasses sparkling.
229
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,120
It irks me so,
yet I always have to polish 'em.
230
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,680
Oh, that's pretty.
231
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,960
No! No, Michelle.
232
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,360
Well, you, Alex...
233
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,640
you are...
234
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,680
You're...fnnnh. Ha!
235
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,760
I know. My mam's always
telling me off for being fnnnh!
236
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,760
Damn your vocabulary!
237
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,000
I'm gonna show you
exactly how unvain I am!
238
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,600
You all right? Yeah.
239
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:05,280
It's just a highly-polished surface.
My hair's kind of... Damn you!
240
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:14,840
OK. The avocado, lavender
and papaya mask should take
down most of the welts.
241
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,640
And this should remove the redness
242
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,960
from the hours of crying
and hysterical dry-heaving.
243
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:26,440
What I can't understand is...
Hold on! It creeps me out,
talking without eye contact.
244
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:29,840
That's why none of my
friends are sheepdogs.
245
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,800
There! Normal.
246
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:39,520
I just don't get why Michelle
cares what this Alex bloke thinks.
247
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,440
I mean, so what if he called her
bleurgh? He's just a barman!
248
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,680
That's one up from a toaster!
249
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,680
Well, think about it, what would you
do if Michelle called you bleurgh?
250
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:54,880
Funny you should mention it.
251
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:54,880
I was only just thinking about this
last night and...
252
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,880
in order to preserve my dignity
and avoid any dry-cleaning costs,
253
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,120
I'd stand in
the middle of a fairly deep pond
254
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,560
and blow the back of
my head off with Bampy's shotgun.
255
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,600
I've already waterproofed my iPod,
because when I leave this planet,
256
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,720
I want to be listening to Let's
Get Physical by Olivia Newton-John.
257
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:17,600
You know, dying isn't
the only option when
258
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:17,600
someone's broken your heart.
259
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:21,600
Unless, of course,
that someone is your cardiologist.
260
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,200
Oh, I dunno what to do.
261
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:29,560
You know,
some nights I lie awake in bed,
262
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:29,560
thinking and thinking about her.
263
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:33,120
Though I drop off as soon
as I'm finished.
264
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:39,120
You're addicted. I am not! I don't
have an addictive personality!
265
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,200
I've never smoked a cigarette,
never touched drugs.
266
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,760
I stop at four units of alcohol.
267
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:49,360
If addiction
is checking my phone for texts from
her every six-and-a-quarter minutes,
268
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:53,080
making sure the route she walks home
is free from debris and muck, and...
269
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:57,600
breaking into her locker here so
I can rub her clothes on my skin,
270
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:57,600
then call me addicted!
271
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,280
I'm a junkie, in't I? 'Fraid so.
272
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:05,160
Well, the point is,
I refuse to look stupid any longer!
273
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:10,200
I refuse
to be rejected and humiliated,
274
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,800
and treated
like some disposable object!
275
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,200
I'm going cold turkey
from Michelle. How?
276
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,040
I'm going back to Swansea!
277
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,640
Aw...I still look so adorable!
278
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,920
Curse my blessed gene pool!
279
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,840
How vile you look.
280
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,920
Ah...Rachel, I can explain...
Flapping!
281
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,960
This is an exclusive gym for
busy urban professionals, like I.
282
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,160
Do you think they want to come here
after a day of snorting coke
283
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:47,240
and instant messaging their
sugar daddy, Johnny H,
to be confronted by you...
284
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,440
in that state?
285
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,280
Well, the thing is, I...
If this is about a man,
286
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,080
you'll be on a warning.
I can't tolerate men.
287
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:59,560
Or wheat. Both give me thrush.
288
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:04,960
No, it's not about a man... We demand
a high level of grooming, both in
your professional and personal life.
289
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,280
Michelle,
uglies attract more uglies.
290
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:12,120
Am I understood? Yes. Absolutely.
291
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:17,200
Perfect grooming
and absolutely no boyfriends.
Like being in a Louis Walsh boy band!
292
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:21,120
Hello, Michelle. I've come to
tell you that I'm addicted to you.
293
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,320
And I can't live with you, so...
294
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,520
I'm gonna live without you.
Um... Can you see him too?
295
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,120
Or do I need to tone down
the temazepam?
296
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,600
I'm leaving! Er...
297
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,960
Good! You scruffy, non-groomed
man-thing! Go home!
298
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,640
I AM. I'm going back
to the Swansea Valley!
299
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,640
What? I can't put up with
feeling like this any more.
300
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,840
You'll never see me again! Um...
301
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,520
Good. Yes! Go,
creature from the swampy valley!
302
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,600
No, Grant! Oh, I'm sorry!
I didn't realise you knew its name!
303
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,080
No, not at all. I was just...
304
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,240
grunting. Grunt, grunt!
305
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,280
Thanks a lot, Michelle.
306
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:12,520
D'you think my best chance
of ever having sex again
is with a piece of fruit?
307
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,000
Actually, I think
she's had a better offer.
308
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,400
Well, you can't blame them.
They are the same species.
309
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,680
This is just great(!)
I'll just be celibate like you.
310
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:32,080
I'll have to walk around with the
Telecom Tower in my pants, poking
children and dwarves in the eye.
311
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,800
Telecom Tower? Rubbing up against
businesswomen on the tram
312
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,560
with my enormous, faint-inducing
member. Faint-inducing? Yes!
313
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,720
Ha-ha. Let's all have a good laugh.
I'm freakishly well-endowed!
314
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:46,000
Everyone used to laugh at me at
school "Oh, here comes Chris
315
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:50,640
"with his books and glasses and his
pendulous and threatening manhood."
316
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:53,720
God, I hated those dinner ladies!
317
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:59,720
So...how exactly pendulous and
threatening is it?
I could kill a badger with it.
318
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,840
There's a copy of
Wind In The Willows in the... No!
319
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,000
Stop it, Claire! Two weeks.
I've been good for two weeks.
320
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,880
Two weeks?! Try seven years!
321
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:14,920
Seven solid years of pent-up
frustration. Testosterone dripping
from every pore.
322
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:19,680
Filthy, disgusting dreams
323
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:19,680
where I'd wake up naked, sweaty,
324
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,640
writhing against my... Anoint me in
sweat, baptise me in Red Bull!
325
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:32,120
Goodbye. Goodbye, Cruel World!
326
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,320
Hi, Alex. All right, Michelle?
You look like a strawberry.
327
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,440
No, I don't!
I look like a skank, actually.
328
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,200
It's like you've been coughed up
329
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,200
by a music student.
330
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,640
Yes, well,
my mind was on higher things -
331
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,960
tall hats, belfries.
332
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:01,840
That's nice. Terribly clement
weather we're having, innit?
333
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,080
I'm finding my clothing both
restricting and uncomfortable.
334
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,600
That's better! Oh, God! Yes!
335
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,800
I mean... I mean...
336
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:20,680
And before you ask why I'm so
very non-aesthetically pleasing,
it's because you said I was vain!
337
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,520
Why else do you think I'd be
wearing these foul things?
338
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,760
I got them from a charity shop, too!
Help the Aged!
339
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:30,440
I do! Most weekends
I'm down the residential home,
reading to the elderly.
340
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,240
Oh, God! It's all "me, me, me"
with you, isn't it?
341
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,240
Sorry.
All this must've taken you ages.
342
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:40,160
Yes! Yes, it did! Looking at it
from every angle? Of course.
343
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,520
Checking out your greasy hair in the
mirror and that? Constantly.
344
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,520
Right. Seems like you
went to a lot of effort, then.
345
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:51,280
Yes! So there! It is,
without doubt, the most effort
I've ever put into my appearance...
346
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,080
Damn you to hell!
347
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,640
I am so sorry about that, God!
348
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,880
I will do the Virgin Mary's
washing-up for a month -
349
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,800
if you let me off.
350
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,320
Dunno why you're so upset.
That was brill!
351
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:13,080
I made the baby Jesus cry!
Ah, it was just sex, Claire.
352
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,720
No, it wasn't.
It was being completely wrong.
353
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,680
Oh, I can't stick at anything!
You stuck at that for three hours.
354
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,160
I tried so hard to be good.
You were good!
355
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,680
And then you come in
with your underpants...
356
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,880
I didn't come in my underpants!
357
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,960
Oh, I was doing really well!
358
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:35,680
Oh, God damn!
This is horrible, hateful, awful!
359
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:42,120
For my first shag in seven years,
you're not the most comforting of
bedfellows. No, no! I'm sorry.
360
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,440
But it's true.
361
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,280
That melon doesn't know
what she's missing!
362
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,200
Oh, why did this happen?! Ooh!
363
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,200
Claire, it was great. It was!
364
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,520
Actually,
it was the best I've ever had.
365
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,400
But I don't want to
be like that any more.
366
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:03,960
I was trying really hard to be
as pious and judgmental as the
367
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:03,960
rest of the Catholic church.
368
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,680
And one whiff of you
and I get penile dementia.
369
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,960
Aw, come on! Don't be like that.
370
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,960
It's a good thing...for me.
371
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,400
CLAIRE SOBS
372
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,280
Hey. Listen, I really like you.
373
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:22,480
I do. And if there's anything I
can do to make this better, I will.
374
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,920
Really? Yeah, I really will. I'll...
375
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,400
I'll come to confession with you,
376
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,960
buy you a gorilla.
377
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,240
I'll swim the Channel. Anything.
378
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,720
OK.
379
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,040
Marry me.
380
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,480
Out of my way, Judge John Deed!
381
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,800
Grant, what are you doing?
382
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,160
Does this hat make me
look like a strawberry?
383
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,360
Dirty Michelle-strawberry.
384
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,880
Oh! Ah!
385
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,040
Sorry.
386
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,280
I was on my way to the station
when a group of kids attacked me.
387
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:05,040
They stole my carton of Britvic for
the journey. I came in for refills.
388
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,400
For God's sake, you weren't
serious about leaving, were you?
389
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,440
Deadly.
390
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,320
So I guess this is goodbye.
391
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,360
Back home.
392
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:19,400
Back to the valleys from which I
escaped a lifetime of torment and...
393
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,400
Me, me, me!
394
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,360
Back home to the futon
I share with Bampy.
395
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:29,360
Hoping beyond hope
he no longer wakes me with a
warm, insistent, fleshy poke!
396
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,440
Back to work on the land.
You're gonna be a farmer?
397
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:40,160
No, I specialise in conveyancing.
Typical! What a day!
398
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:45,520
I've embarrassed myself in front of
Alex, I've got in trouble at work,
399
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:45,520
and I look vaguely unattractive!
400
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,560
Vaguely unattractive!
401
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,800
Though, you know,
kudos to my father's side.
402
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,840
You don't look unattractive!
403
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,800
You look like you always look.
You look like Michelle.
404
00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:02,120
And to top it all off, my best
friend is leaving! This is the worst
thing that's ever happened to me!
405
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:04,800
Claire's leaving?
406
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,400
No! You. You're my best friend.
407
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,240
Me?! Really?
Yeah, of course you are.
408
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,400
I didn't know this!
409
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,120
When did this happen?
What d'you mean?
410
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,160
Well, you know...
411
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,200
You buy me things.
412
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,880
I can let you down whenever I feel
like it and you forgive me instantly.
413
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,640
You let me borrow money
and I don't have to pay it back.
414
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,080
Sometimes you let me
punch you when I'm bored.
415
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,360
You know, all the things
friendship's supposed to be about.
416
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:47,680
Wow! You really are a
complete bitch, in't you?
417
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:54,640
Grant, wait!
418
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,360
God, it's my boss! Hide!
419
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:08,800
Hello. Michelle, I didn't realise
you knew Judge John Deed.
420
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,440
Yes, erm... We go rambling together.
421
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,240
Are you still walking around
dressed like a Bosnian?
422
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,000
My grandmother dressed
better! And we had her put down.
423
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,800
I was just on my way to change my...
424
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,800
You're on a warning!
425
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,160
See me in
my office first thing tomorrow!
426
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:27,280
Tomorrow?! But that's...tomorrow.
427
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,520
What is this? What is that?
428
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,400
What is this?! What is...
429
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,320
that? Oh, heck!
430
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,560
You! Hot man! What's your name?
I'm Grant, pleased to...
431
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,520
Oh, you're Welsh.
432
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:48,640
Well, if you can shut up for
three hours, I might take you
433
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:48,640
back to mine and bum you. What?!
434
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,960
Quiet, rat. Actually,
I'm gonna catch my train...
435
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,520
No, you're not. But it's pre-booked.
436
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:57,120
Flapping! You see, Marcus...
437
00:25:57,120 --> 00:26:02,480
It's Grant. You see, MARCUS,
I always get what I want.
438
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:07,920
Usually through working hard to
reach the financial position of
439
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:07,920
exchanging money for goods...
440
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,080
and services. Right.
441
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,240
Actually, Grant is in love with...
442
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:17,160
Sometimes I get
what I want by doing this...
443
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,320
You get in that bar
and buy me a Bloody Mary now!
444
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,760
RACHEL GROWLS
445
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,960
Claire, this has been
the worst day of my life!
446
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,000
One, I need you to make me pretty.
447
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,520
Two, I need to get back at Alex.
Three, I need to not get fired.
448
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,160
Four, I need to stop Grant getting
off with my boss and five... Um...
449
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,200
Five... Oh, there's probably some
sort of war going on somewhere.
450
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,920
What?
What do you mean, "fiance"? Who?
451
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,640
Michelle! Me and Claire,
we're engaged!
452
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,880
Oh! Who am I kidding?
453
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,520
I'm a love god!
454
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,560
Come up. Come right into my trap.
455
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,600
Oh, that's foul!
456
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,000
You're gonna get so much fanny!
457
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,360
Oh, Rachel, you're so fragrant...
and plastic!
458
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:25,240
All women want me. That's good,
because I need harvesting!
459
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:33,640
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
460
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,680
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