Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,840
OK, how many people have
you slept with?
2
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,120
Four. Four?!
3
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,240
Goodness' sake, I've
slept with 26 people!
4
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,400
No, it's just four.
5
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,880
Seriously? Tragically.
6
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,480
Well, how come you're so...talented?
7
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:21,440
I read a lot,
watch instructional videos.
8
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,120
Practise on my own.
9
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,160
Four?!
10
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,560
I mean, have you seen you?
No, I just...
11
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,400
I just was engaged to
Alison for such a long time.
12
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,520
Who the hell is Alison?
13
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,280
Oh!
14
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:52,480
I have to have this bag,
I have to have this bag!
15
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,680
Who do I have to sleep
with to get this bag?
16
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,960
Michelle, if I sleep with you,
will you buy us this bag?
17
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,120
Stupid kettle.
18
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:02,880
Stupid broken kettle.
19
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,600
Stupid Alison girl I've
never met but have irrational
but understandable hatred of.
20
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,040
KETTLE BOILS
21
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,040
Oh, lovely.
22
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:12,080
You see, in some circumstances
violence IS the answer.
23
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,720
Broken kettles, babysitting.
24
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,240
Oh, what is its problem?
25
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,880
Though, I've lost my babysitting
money now Mrs Next Door's sacked us.
26
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,800
Like I said, "It's not my fault
Kirsty can't handle her drink".
27
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,080
How is Kirsty?
28
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,080
She's off the respirator.
29
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,920
She'll be back at
nursery any day now.
30
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:33,400
God, stupid Alison!
31
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,080
Oh, give it here.
32
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,120
Two talents I've got in life.
33
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,320
Electrical goods and
getting toddlers bladdered.
34
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,760
God, I hate Alison.
35
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,520
The thing is, I don't even know
anything about her. What if she
36
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,520
turns out to be my opposite?
37
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,760
Really troggy and unsophisticated.
38
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,040
What if she's average? You'd have
to assume she had hidden depths.
39
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,320
What are you doing?
40
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,400
# DJ Mike
41
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,200
# Makin' love to you every night. #
42
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,080
What was that?
43
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,880
Grant, this is the most beautiful
microphone I've ever seen. Look!
44
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,160
Don't you ever look at
pictures of naked women?
45
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,720
Do you?
46
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,120
Moomin Mama is naked.
47
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,120
I will stop at nothing
to get this microphone.
48
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:29,560
I shall work,
I shall slave, I shall pour my
heart into obtaining this goddess.
49
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,560
Lend us 200 quid for it, will you?
50
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:35,960
No. But it makes your voice go
51
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:35,960
"whoo, ah, ah, ah, ah,"
52
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,120
like the Count off Sesame Street.
53
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:42,960
Imagine sound checks,
one, two, one, two, ha, ha, ha.
54
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,480
I've enough problems of my own.
55
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,960
I need a sure fire win at
work or they'll sack me.
56
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:53,800
Then I'll get behind on my rent and
have to move back into the box at my
mum's. Your mum and dad's box room.
57
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,480
That is humiliating. And funny.
58
00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:02,320
Yeah, it would be if they
actually had a box room, this
is quite literally a box.
59
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,040
Came with a freezer.
60
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,480
Oh, you're here.
61
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,640
Grant, I need your legal head.
62
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,000
What's that? It's disgusting.
63
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:17,520
It's a scalp condition,
it's not contagious.
64
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,040
No, that!
65
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:23,760
It's a Morrissey mirror.
I got it on eBay. 12 pence. Bargain.
66
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:28,600
When I look into it,
I can pretend we're friends and
he's standing next to me."
67
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:33,280
# DJ Mike and Morrissey, makin' love
68
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,560
# To ladies, every night. #
69
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,640
Grant.
70
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,000
Claire's been electrocuted.
Oh, brilliant!
71
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,800
Will you represent her?
Yeah, of course.
72
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,880
I was just saying,
"I need more work."
73
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,920
Ah, you see, this is why I love...
74
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,480
MUSIC: "Shoplifters Of The World"
by The Smiths
75
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,720
Mike's dancing.
76
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,240
And you say, you were doing this...
77
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,600
for a long period of time.
78
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:12,000
Could you make an educated
approximation of the duration
of the drr, drr, drr-ing?
79
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:16,600
You'd have to suppose
I was zzz, zzz, zzz-ing
80
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,760
for approximately - a bit.
81
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,080
What are you doing?
Why are you writing that down?
82
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,120
Oh, I have appointed
Grant as your solicitor.
83
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:32,560
You need representation to claim
compensation for your injury-ation.
84
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,920
And I need to be distracted from
stupid Dean being engaged to stupid
85
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:40,160
Alison when nobody wants to marry
me, and I'm so buoyant and sweet.
86
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,480
How dare he?!
87
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,480
I'm doing this for you, Claire.
88
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,840
You can't just do that.
89
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:53,120
Claire, if I could ask you of any
physical injuries sustained whilst
90
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:53,120
drr, drr, drr-ing
91
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:54,840
to the best of your knowledge.
92
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,880
No! I'm not like that!
I hate the claims culture.
93
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,000
Well, I hate the adverts.
94
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,680
"I'm a fat lass, I fell off a
chair at work, give me money."
95
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:11,840
No, mate, you broke your chair
when bounced off it
cos you heard the pie van.
96
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,320
You must do this, Claire.
97
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,200
For justice. No. For liberty. No!
98
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,440
For Judge John Deed.
99
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,720
No. For five grand compensation.
100
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,760
I was zzz-ing for six hours.
101
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,600
What do you mean, Morrissey?
102
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,760
Sell Michelle's
clothes to buy the microphone.
103
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,040
That's very naughty.
104
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,680
I love it!
105
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,240
Whoo, ah, ah, ah!
106
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:44,520
Come up in one! Two! Three!
Ha, ha, ha.
107
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,720
Chelle, Dean's here!
108
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,320
Chelle, you know that green
dress that you never wear...?
109
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,960
The one I'm wearing?
110
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,840
Yeah.
How much do you reckon it's worth?
111
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,800
What are you talking about?
112
00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:01,200
What is that ugly thing still
doing in my home? Get rid of it!
113
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,720
I'm not getting rid of ReflectoMoz.
114
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,280
Look at his little face.
115
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,120
ReflectoMoz stays.
116
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,320
Mike, you know how Dean was engaged?
117
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,960
And how he had a really close
relationship with this girl?
118
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,360
Do you think that means
he'll never fully commit to me?
119
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,440
Er, it's a tricky one.
120
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:23,680
Erm, I don't...
121
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,800
care.
122
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,400
And the real reason he's only
slept with four women...
123
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:36,120
Four?! Four women?!
124
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,800
That kills me. Four!
125
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,480
That is well less than...
126
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:43,880
Five.
127
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,880
Michelle, I need to talk to you -
in private.
128
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,800
Yes, you do. I'm really upset.
129
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,400
I'm fragile, look at me,
I'm shaking!
130
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,360
Did you learn that off Grant?
131
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,600
Yes, I did.
132
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,880
Oh, er, Mike, go on the balcony.
We need to be alone.
133
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:06,640
I always have to go on the balcony -
when he's here, when I make a smell,
134
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:06,640
when Mum and Dad visit.
135
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,600
You choose to be out there
when Mum and Dad visit.
136
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:14,000
It's always the same question.
"Have you met a nice lady yet?"
137
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:14,000
Yeah, and always the same answer.
138
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,560
"No, cos when I go near them
they run away vomiting."
139
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,640
Don't you laugh at my
brother's incompetence with women.
140
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,560
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not incompetent with women.
141
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,320
I've made the beast with two
backs with five ladies. Yeah.
142
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,880
That's five, Dean, yeah. Five.
143
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:41,360
One, two, three, four, five.
144
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,240
Or in Roman numerals, five.
145
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,120
Yeah, Mike, but when did
you lose your virginity? 20.
146
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,800
..5. 25!
147
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,800
That is so old!
148
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,840
What was that, Morrissey?
149
00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,400
Sell all of Michelle's belongings?
150
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,160
Whoo, ah, ah, ah!
151
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:07,640
I can see you're upset
about Alison but you've got
nothing to worry about.
152
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,840
Look, you have to understand
I was young, she was young
153
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:16,800
and all we had in common really was
our love of chess
154
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,960
and when we split, well,
we never actually split, she went
155
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:25,120
to teach English voluntarily in
Malawi and we sort of drifted apart.
156
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,280
Ooh, she's in Malawi.
157
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,320
Yes! 'ave it!
158
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,080
Where is Malawi?
It's not near Chester, is it?
159
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,800
No, Africa.
160
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,400
Yes. 'ave it!
161
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,000
So you'll never see her again.
162
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,000
Cool, let's have sex.
163
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,680
Actually, I'm seeing
her on Thursday.
164
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:47,520
What? Yeah, she's been
back for a year now.
165
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:51,400
What? Yeah, we meet every Thursday.
We play chess. Alison always wins.
166
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:55,200
She is so clever. Chess!
167
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,680
Chess! Yeah, it's an amazing game.
168
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:02,160
When she first taught me,
it seemed very easy, very logical,
but actually
169
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,520
she taught me it's a lot to do
with prudence and the psychology...
170
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,960
What the hell are you doing?
171
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,040
I have a facial tic.
172
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,640
It's awful for me.
173
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:19,480
I can't stand people
doing the urghh face, it's
really immature, Michelle.
174
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,560
It's totally unacceptable
in a new relationship.
175
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,640
Look,
you have to accept I have a past.
176
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,080
Yeah? I met a girl, I fell in love.
177
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,880
I wanted to get married but
she wasn't right for me...
178
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:33,400
Sorry.
179
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,280
When do I get my money?
I want my bag.
180
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:45,960
Right, I need to know how long
you've worked there, if you had
181
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:45,960
adequate health and safety,
182
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:51,920
the age of the kettle then I'll need
a bit of a tea break, maybe a Jaffa
Cake, possibly some Murray Mints.
183
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,680
Me money?
184
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:59,000
Right, well, all we need to do is
go through the circumstances and
I can start proceedings tomorrow.
185
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,360
So, tell me everything. Everything.
186
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,440
OK. I got up at six... Six.
187
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,920
Nine.
188
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,960
Then I jumped in the shower.
189
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,440
OK, I spat on a tissue
and wiped through.
190
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:19,040
Then I tried to call in sick,
but apparently there's no
such thing as pit rot.
191
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,080
I beg to differ! Do you wanna see?
192
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,880
No!
193
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,840
I just need the facts of the
actual incident. Oh, right.
194
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:31,920
I grabbed the kettle, I went urr,
urr, urr, urr, bada bing, bada boom.
195
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,560
Two badas, a bing and one boom.
196
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,120
Excellent. And it's not my fault.
197
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,800
Michelle's kettle's really old.
198
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,240
Michelle's kettle?
199
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,760
Oh, heck. What's oh, heck?
200
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,360
It's an expression people use
to imply surprise or anger.
201
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,640
Yeah,
but why are you saying, "Oh, heck"?
202
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,160
Well, you're going to
have to sue Michelle.
203
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,960
Attention!
204
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,720
Dean's got an ex. A really good one.
205
00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,360
And they're close - through chess.
206
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,600
Who can teach me chess?
Oh, I can! I'm really good at it.
207
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,160
Really? Of course.
208
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,520
Oh no, sorry - not chess.
209
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:12,160
What's the one that's
exactly like chess? Kerplunk!
210
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,200
I can teach you chess, Michelle.
211
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,720
Oh, thank you.
212
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,000
You will not regret this, Grant.
Thank you.
213
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,840
I just need this, I need to be
better than this Alison. Thank you.
214
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,000
Hey, you're welcome.
215
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,920
We're suing you.
216
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,320
She's been to Malawi -
apparently that's in Africa.
217
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,000
Hey,
you've got nothing to worry about.
218
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,920
Except for us suing you.
219
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,920
Come on, help me. Put that down.
220
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,520
In this mirror,
I look just like Morrissey.
221
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,000
How much did you
pay for this, Chelle?
222
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,240
Why do you keep asking me
how much my clothes cost?
223
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,400
Because I'm thinking of
entering into fashion buying.
224
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,440
Michael... Right!
225
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,760
Sorry to tell you this, er,
226
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:05,880
but I'm selling all
of your stuff on eBay.
227
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,960
I need a new microphone and... What?
228
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,000
Hush now.
229
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:15,120
I decided the best way to get the
money together was to sell your stuff
on eBay.
230
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:19,160
How can you tell me this
so calmly when I'm about
231
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:19,160
to beat you so firmly?
232
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:24,800
Because if I tell you this in a calm
and measured way, the other person
will be incapable of becoming angry.
233
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,160
I read it in that
psychology book of yours,
234
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:31,360
which I've sold on eBay.
235
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,120
How could you?
236
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,160
That is my stuff, that's theft! I'm
gonna kill you, monkey boy!
237
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,800
It's not a very good book, was it?
238
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,040
You are going to buy me back
every single item you've sold!
239
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:46,320
What! Even that Burberry cap
you wore for the whole of 2001?
Oh no, that's just tacky.
240
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,800
Good, because I sold it on eBay.
241
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,600
Along with some of
your beauty products.
242
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:56,760
Your creams, your lotions,
your mattress.
243
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,800
Don't go near any of my stuff, OK.
244
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,840
I forbid you to sell
anything belonging to me. Fine.
245
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,120
I'll just have to find
something else to sell.
246
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,680
Or get a job. Urgh!
247
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,240
Why hurt me?
248
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,160
Why would you say such a thing?
I thought we were friends.
249
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,800
You, balcony! Go on, go on.
250
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,400
Now stay!
251
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,480
OK, Grant, start teaching.
252
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,440
OK.
253
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,960
The aim of the game is...
254
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:36,440
We're suing you. ..to get my king
into a position where he can't
move anywhere. We're suing you.
255
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:41,080
You're suing me!
Chess, Michelle, concentrate.
256
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,320
Why are you suing me?
I didn't mean for it to happen.
257
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:48,400
It's just, well, Claire got injured
and it was your kettle and she's
258
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,320
my client, so I can't bend the rules
even if you are my friend and...
259
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,560
This is the worst day of my life.
Look, please don't hate me.
260
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,960
I'll teach you everything
about chess. Everything.
261
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:01,360
And I promise I'll help you be
better than that Alison girl.
262
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,960
Do you know what would
help me most of all? What?
263
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,720
Not suing me!
264
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,040
OK, OK. We won't sue you.
265
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,960
Oh!
266
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,200
We're suing you.
267
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:25,760
Kingsies!
268
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:25,760
You win again, you're a natural.
269
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,680
Who knew I'd be so good at chess?
270
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:31,800
Who knew the rules
could be so flexible?
271
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,320
I can teach you backgammon if
you want. It's just like Buckaroo.
272
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,280
No, I'm going to turn in.
273
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,760
Oh, I nearly forgot.
274
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,840
Well, I guess I'll see you in court.
275
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,400
I can't believe you're suing me.
276
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,400
I mean,
277
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:57,240
God, Grant,
we could really fall out over this.
278
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,320
We might never speak ever again.
279
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,840
Well, I'm a solicitor.
280
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,520
It's my job
281
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,920
and as Judge John Deed would say...
282
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,840
"I am not suing Michelle! I don't
want to and you can't make me."
283
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,160
Hello, Supernanny.
284
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,320
I am not Supernanny,
285
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,000
I'm an intellectual.
286
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,920
Oh, goodness,
where did that come from?
287
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,080
Oh, chess!
288
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,280
You're getting into that, are you?
Who's your favourite grandmaster?
289
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,560
Gary Kasparov? Oh, yes!
290
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:44,120
And I like John Skaronovich.
291
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,480
He's mental. Oh, John Skaronovich!
292
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,040
He's an incredible tactician.
293
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,280
That's a real name! No.
294
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:55,440
Oh, I tried to get into it, Dean,
I really, tried, but it's so boring.
295
00:15:55,440 --> 00:16:00,520
And now you're just going
to go off with Alison and
296
00:15:55,440 --> 00:16:00,520
kingsy each other all over the shop.
297
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:04,320
Michelle, babe. Me and Alison,
it's not love, it's just chess.
298
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,400
You've got nothing to worry about.
I'm with you.
299
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,040
Am I just being silly -
cute and silly?
300
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,600
Yes. Yes, you are.
301
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:19,320
But I've got to say, I'm feeling
this whole dominatrix chess vibe
you've got going on. It's very sexy.
302
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,880
I know! Ooh, do you want
to see the best bit? Michelle!
303
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:26,000
We're in a public place, so, yes.
304
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,400
Very classy.
305
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,160
I practised for three hours.
306
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,920
So,
when are we meeting the geeky bitch?
307
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,200
I said we'd meet her for dinner.
308
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,200
And don't call her geeky.
309
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,280
She's cool. Oh, come on.
310
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:50,040
Chess, worthy missions to Africa,
a pitiful sexual repertoire,
I imagine hopefully.
311
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,360
Do you want to see a picture?
You have one?
312
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,360
Yeah. She left it round my mum's.
I said I'd give it back to her.
313
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,120
So, which one is she?
314
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,120
Don't you have a conscience?
315
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:11,600
No, I was dropped
on my head as a child.
316
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,280
Upshot being don't have a conscience,
downshot, can't taste butter.
317
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,720
I can't do it. But me bag.
318
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,400
You have to sue her.
319
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,160
I don't want to!
320
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:25,040
But Grant, I'm your client and I
can't taste butter. It's your duty.
321
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,680
What would Judge John De... De...
322
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,600
It's Judge John Deed.
323
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,040
And he'd say,
324
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,800
that I should stand by my client.
325
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,200
Oh, I'm gonna have to sue her.
326
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,760
She's never gonna speak to me again.
Great.
327
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,680
Let's take the dirty whore down!
328
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:47,360
Make her pay,
crush her life in our hands of evil.
329
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,840
Oh, hi sweetheart!
Great, you're here.
330
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,400
Claire, make me really
pretty, really now. Why?
331
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,760
Alison's perfect.
I need to hurt her.
332
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,680
Fine! I love hurting people.
333
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,480
It's one of the consequences
of being dropped on my head.
334
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,960
Sadly, I'll never
know the love of toast.
335
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,320
Er, less talk, more slap.
336
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,600
Oh!
337
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,680
SAXOPHONE PLAYS SULTRY JAZZ MUSIC
338
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:33,440
PLAYS
"When The Saints Come Marching In"
339
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,720
Mwa, ah, ah, ah.
340
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,360
Just a couple more minutes.
341
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,160
Prepare yourself for gorgeousness.
342
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,600
Don't look, don't look. Mike...
343
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,520
Yo.
344
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,520
Has Michelle said anything to you?
345
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,560
I showed her a picture
of Alison before and she
seemed pretty freaked out.
346
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,560
Why? Oh, has she got
like an enormous head?
347
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,160
No. Has she got tentacles?
348
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,760
No. Has she got one of those kind
349
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,760
of weird double bellied things that
hangs down over her private parts?
350
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:07,200
No. She's gorgeous. I can't
help that. All my girlfriends
have been gorgeous.
351
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,680
So,
you must be a very attractive man.
352
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:14,760
Some might say, women would
pay to sleep with you.
353
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,960
Some have said women
would pay to sleep with me.
354
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,200
If it wasn't for my strict moral
355
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,200
code, I could be a millionaire.
356
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,360
How much do you reckon you'd go for?
357
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,720
How do you mean?
358
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,720
In an auction say, on eBay.
359
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,680
Er, lot 73, Dean Adewale.
360
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,360
A freestanding piece of over six foot
361
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,360
with a walnut finish and
no knotholes.
362
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,920
I don't know.
363
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,440
Depends who was in the audience.
364
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,440
See young girls, 50 quid.
365
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:39,320
Older desperate ones, say about
£8 billion, roughly.
366
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,640
Dean, take your top off.
367
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,440
OK.
368
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:49,200
You did that pretty easily. Oh, yeah,
369
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:49,200
I've been asked so many times it's
basically a Pavlovian response now.
370
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,200
What are you doing?
371
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,440
Er, these are for Michelle.
372
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,920
She wanted some saucy snaps to keep
by her bedside. I'm going to get
these framed up for her birthday.
373
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,120
Oh, in that case...
374
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,840
Oh, here we go!
375
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,880
Work it baby, come on.
376
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,000
You're turning me on now!
OK, yeah, don't do that. OK.
377
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,280
Here we go! That's it. Come on.
378
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,640
Give me the money. Give me the money.
That's the money shot baby, oh, yeah!
379
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,160
I'm ready!
380
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,560
Is it even worth me asking?
381
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:35,120
Don't be nervous.
If you don't want me to be nervous,
382
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:35,120
stop shaking like Judy Finnegan.
383
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:38,000
Here she is.
Who? Judy Finnegan, I love her.
384
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,880
Alison, this is... Michelle.
385
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,240
Dean, you said she was pretty,
you didn't say she was gorgeous.
386
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,080
Oh, thank you.
387
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,000
I was so nervous about meeting you.
388
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,120
I was more
than worried that you'd hate me,
389
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:54,200
or it'd be awkward. See I'm not
good with new people, I get silly.
390
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:59,280
Oh, I'm already silly, dur! Don't
let me near the wine, I'll be gurgh!
391
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:03,000
Oh, listen to me gabbling on.
I'm sorry, I'll be quiet.
392
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:08,360
I'm a nice person - honest.
Oh, you're really sweet - and weird.
393
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,080
Don't be daft, sit yourself down.
394
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,880
I had to stop and have St John's
Wort and do breathing exercises.
395
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,640
You do breathing exercises?
396
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,240
Do you know the one that goes,
ha, hey? That's my favourite!
397
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,960
Mine too. Ha, hey! Ha, hey!
This is so much fun.
398
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:29,040
And I thought this was going
to be difficult. Ha, hey!
399
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,920
I'm gonna go and get some drinks.
400
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:38,160
To think that I was nervous.
OK, Michelle, with your horrible
working class name.
401
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,120
I'll give you £30
if you leave him alone. Pardon?
402
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,720
Joking! 50?
403
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,560
NO! Joking, paranoia!
404
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,200
Oh, OK, sorry.
405
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,440
So what university did you go to?
406
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,560
Manchester Met. Durham. Dress size?
407
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:56,120
Er, eight to ten. Oh, six. Fillings?
408
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,800
Three. None, look!
409
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:00,760
What do you drive? A Vespa.
410
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,680
Oh, I have got one of those,
somewhere.
411
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,360
Leave Dean alone. Excuse me?
412
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,720
Me and Dean are meant to be
together. Get out of his life
or I'll...
413
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,120
I don't know, put a hetman on you or
something. Are you threatening me?
414
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:14,760
Kinda. Fun, isn't it?
415
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:17,840
You can't just do this.
416
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,880
Dean is with me now.
We're a couple. We're together.
417
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,120
Not for much longer.
418
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:27,160
I have shed loads of cash
and the power of chess.
419
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,160
Don't you use chess against me!
I knew I was going to hate you.
420
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:36,800
The minute I clapped eyes on your
stupid no arse and your stupid
"Don't let me near the wine, gurgh!"
421
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:40,680
You are a malicious little cow and
the sooner I get you out of
Dean's life the better.
422
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,000
I'm going to win this, Alison.
423
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:48,480
Yeah, go on! Cry, bitch, cry!
She said such horrible things.
424
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:02,600
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, I can't believe it!
425
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:07,120
Good Lord smite me now for
this joy cannot be exceeded.
426
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,840
Actually, don't smite me,
it sounds very painful.
427
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:15,720
God, I hate everything.
Ooh, except salami.
428
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,000
Guess what, guess what, guess what?
429
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,000
What? Dean's gone off with Alison.
430
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,720
I'm being sued by Grant
431
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,520
and that bloody
mirror's still there.
Tell me, have our parents died?
432
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,120
It's better than that.
433
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:31,200
My microphone's on
eBay and it's only £24!
434
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,760
And there's only four minutes left
to bid! Oh! So, have you bid on it?
435
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,400
Course I have.
436
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,640
Bugger!
437
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,040
Dean's gone off with his ex.
438
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,760
And I'm talking to meat.
439
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,520
My life is so astoundingly tragic.
440
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,120
Urgh!
441
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,440
What's up? I've been banned.
442
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:52,840
I may not access eBay due to vending
materials of an inappropriate nature.
443
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,280
Dean's not inappropriate.
444
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,680
I ask you,
What's the world coming to when you
can't even sell people any more?
445
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,640
Michelle,
446
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,400
I think someone round here
owes someone else an apology.
447
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,120
Apology accepted.
448
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:15,400
Now, to show there's no hard
feelings, Dean is going to give me
£200 for my brand new microphone.
449
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,200
Does that ever work?
450
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:19,960
No.
451
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,080
Right.
452
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:32,560
All that's left to do is to
get a picture of the injuries
for the court doctor man.
453
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,200
Those things are so chavvy. I know.
454
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:39,080
I've got two. Right, camera. OK.
455
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:43,040
Where's the burn? It's gone.
456
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,000
Oh, dear.
457
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,520
What's oh, dear?
458
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,840
It's a phrase people use to
express sympathy or regret.
459
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,320
Yeah, but why are you saying it?
460
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:59,120
Well, with no evidence of injury,
there's nothing to base a case on.
461
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:05,520
I mean, maybe if you have
a decent solicitor, but
you've got me, I'm afraid.
462
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,760
Still, at least you won't
have to sue Michelle now, eh?
463
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,240
I think you should
apologise, Michelle.
464
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,000
So do I. She is fit.
465
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,480
She's horrible, Dean.
She said all sorts of things.
466
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,720
I was talking about Malawi
and she just started on me.
467
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,000
She flicked my ear.
You flicked her ear?
468
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,800
She tried to kill me.
She flicked my ear!
469
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,880
Spunky little thing, isn't she?
470
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,360
I thought you were better
than this, Michelle.
471
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,200
I am. It's her.
472
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:42,400
I thought you were bigger than
petty jealousy and making up
stories and... flicking people.
473
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,040
I mean, for the love of God,
I'm really disappointed.
474
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:47,800
I think the least you
can do is apologise.
475
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,400
I can't.
476
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,760
I'm always right.
477
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,400
And she has a really weird family.
478
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,520
You don't want to be
associating with this crowd, Dean.
479
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,560
Yeah, I think we should
just leave Mike out of...
480
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,400
# Flexi-stretch Mike
481
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,080
# Makin' love to you, every night. #
482
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,080
Yeah. I apologise for him.
483
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,840
But not for me, I did nothing wrong.
484
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:21,160
I'm sorry, but that's it. You had
the opportunity to be the bigger
485
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:21,160
person and you didn't take it.
486
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,800
I think we should go our
separate ways. It's a real shame.
487
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,800
I thought that we...
488
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,320
What the hell are you doing?
489
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:34,160
I have a facial tic. You know,
I hate people doing the urgh face.
Has she been doing that all night?
490
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,480
Yes, I was very brave.
491
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,480
Who would have believed it
of a chess player?
492
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,680
Of someone who's
taught in an African village?
493
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,600
What would Nganga say? Oh, shut up.
494
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,400
I've never even been to Africa.
495
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,520
Just bummed round Camden for a year.
496
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:56,000
That picture? Me and my dealer.
497
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,240
Well, I guess you win, Michelle.
498
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,240
I'll get you next time.
499
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,520
Whoa, ah, ah, ah!
500
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,680
What? I thought that called for it.
501
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:13,960
It's OK, Michelle, I don't have to
sue you, we can be friends again.
502
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,640
Oh, well done.
503
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,200
Come on, Dean. And Mike,
504
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:19,800
ReflectoMoz stays.
505
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,120
Sweet.
506
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:29,240
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
507
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,280
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
63114
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof