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1
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ALARM CLOCK RINGS
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Morning. Mornin', Michelle.
3
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Do you want coffee? Oh, please.
4
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:18,440
Two sugars? Yeah. Wheat-free,
gluten-free, fat-free bagel?
5
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,400
Sure. Fried in butter?
6
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,040
OK.
7
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,560
What was your name again?
8
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,240
You can't do this to me!
9
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After everything!
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The highs, the lows, the median.
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The median!
12
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Did I not love you enough?
13
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,280
Passionately enough?
14
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I thought we were forever!
15
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,440
Now you've betrayed me.
16
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,240
Why?!
17
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Michael, you're nearly 30.
18
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,160
We just thought it
was time you moved out.
19
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It's not you, it's me... And her.
20
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To be honest, the dog's
not too keen on you either.
21
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,800
GROWLS
22
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,680
I cannot believe you forgot my name!
23
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I'm hurt!
24
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I know. That was bad.
25
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,520
Sorry. Gore?
26
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:34,480
Dean! It's Dean! Where on
earth did you get Gore from?
27
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,800
I panicked. Gore Vidal came
into my head and wouldn't leave.
28
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I just went with it. I've never met
a Gore and people might be impressed.
29
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,440
How are your bagels?
Like some jam?
30
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:46,440
Do you have a gun?
31
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,960
Michelle, calm down. I've got a
real easy way to remember my name.
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"His name is Dean." Oh, sorry.
33
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So you do this a lot then?
34
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One-night stands?
Oh yeah, all the time.
35
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:06,120
I'm very...what's the word? Liberal?
36
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Slutty.
37
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:12,840
Oh, really?
Cos last night was my...first time.
38
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:17,240
And I wanted it to be
special and you just... Oh!
39
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,280
Oh Dean, I'm sorry, I had no idea.
40
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What have I done?
I've corrupted you! Idiot!
41
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,640
I'm 26 and, quite frankly...
42
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,480
So, why do you do it,
why do you corrupt young men?
43
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:41,080
Oh, well, you know,
I'm an emotionally mature,
sexually adventurous young woman.
44
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I have my friends, I have my career.
45
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I have a pamphlet on how
to freeze your own ovaries.
46
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So I don't need a husband or,
a family... a boyfriend...
47
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I haven't got a boyfriend!
48
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He left me and now I haven't got one!
49
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:02,520
My ovaries keep shouting at me
because they want impregnating!
50
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,240
Do you want a tissue? No!
51
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,080
Cup of tea?
52
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,840
Can I sing you a sea shanty?
53
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,640
# It's only me from over the sea...
I want a boyfriend.
54
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:17,080
All right, but if you have to cry,
don't do that face,
it's really ugly!
55
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:26,440
And I'm ugly! No! No, no you're not
56
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:26,440
ugly, you've got a beautiful smile.
57
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Let's see that smile, eh?
58
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,000
Yeah, the crying was better!
59
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,280
I can't believe it.
60
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,200
They just threw me out, Grant.
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I'm only 29.
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Practically a child!
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00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:47,080
So, Grant, you cheeky hobbit.
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My bestest friend
in the whole world.
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Your ONLY friend in the whole world.
66
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,360
Are you going to let me
live with you? Come on!
67
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Eh? # DJ Mac, living with Grant
68
00:03:55,360 --> 00:04:01,400
for the rest of his natural life.
69
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,600
# But not like man and wife. #
70
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,080
No. Just till my DJ'ing takes off.
71
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,400
Why does everyone do that?
72
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I don't have the room for you.
73
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I'm deceptively small, actually.
74
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:22,320
I can fit into a Maid Marion
outfit from the Disney shop,
75
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:22,320
ages four through six.
76
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,760
One, how do you know that?
77
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,920
And two, there's barely
enough space to swing a cat.
78
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I should know.
79
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Fluffy died.
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SHE WHIMPERS
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You OK now? Yes...
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SHE WHIMPERS AGAIN
83
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,040
Yes, that's the last one. Good.
84
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,080
So, what's upsetting you so much?
85
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,880
Nothing. Nothing at all.
86
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,080
Is it your time of the mon...?
87
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:11,480
As a man, you should know by now
that finishing that sentence
ends in death.
88
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,280
So what's going on?
89
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I can't tell you.
90
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I'd never tell anyone. Never.
91
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,440
You can.
OK. I split up with someone.
92
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,400
We'd been together for years.
93
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,920
I think, if he doesn't want me,
nobody else will. So I'll
just go with everyone.
94
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,520
If you throw enough balls,
you'll eventually hit a coconut.
95
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,240
And, have you hit a coconut yet?
96
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,560
No, but I slept with
a man from the stall.
97
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,880
Oh, it's awful.
98
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,880
SHE WHIMPERS
99
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,680
Michelle, I don't think you're
suited to being like this.
100
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,240
I mean, you claim to be all
together and sorted and modern
101
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:51,480
and woman and...stuff, but
you can't take care of yourself.
102
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,240
What?
103
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,320
That is nasty.
104
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I'm growing hay.
105
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This...
106
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..is nasty.
107
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This, nasty.
108
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And this...ohhh! Nasty!
109
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That's my mother!
110
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:20,040
Look, I don't judge how you live,
Mr Fancy Hair!
111
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,760
You're not together.
112
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,440
You live in a make-believe world.
A fairytale.
113
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Haa, that is just so...
114
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Get out!! Or I'll...
Or you'll huff and you'll puff?
115
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Get out!
116
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Wait!
117
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When can I see you again?
118
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It's not going to happen.
Why? Because I live in a fairytale?
119
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My milk's always off...
120
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:51,400
And I don't change the sheets
between sexual partners? Ugh!
121
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Like anyone notices...
Go on then, go.
122
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Fairytale indeed!
123
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:04,600
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to phone my grandmother.
124
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,360
Oh, maybe I should tidy the flat.
125
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:15,040
Maybe! Oh, shut up, ovaries,
I said maybe, not baby.
126
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,680
# DJ Mike!
127
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# Making love to you.
128
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,040
# Every night... # Ohhh.
129
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,760
# I'm wearing pants that are
a little bit too tight. #
130
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:35,440
That, my friend, is the kind
of thing you'd only see
if I lived with you.
131
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,880
I've already told you,
it's not in my hands.
132
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One person is on the lease - me.
133
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:45,040
I'm a solicitor. I can't have
unlawful behaviour anywhere near me.
134
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:49,400
What about when you kept that wallet
you found? That is a moot point.
135
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:53,480
Accepting all those Judge John
Deed DVDs I've earned for you? Moot.
136
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:57,240
When you hung around stalking that
fella who plays Kevin Webster?
137
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,440
I wanted to give him his wallet.
138
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,400
But that is also moot.
139
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,200
And what exactly do you
mean by "moot"?
140
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,520
I'm not entirely sure.
141
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,000
I just use it when the tricky
questions come up in court,
142
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,240
like when I forget who the
defendant is. I say "moot".
143
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,640
I'm getting a hell of a reputation.
144
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:20,000
They call me
"The man who says moot".
145
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,520
Just forego the law for once
and let me live at yours.
146
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,560
Why don't you ask Michelle
if you can live with her?
147
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,920
That's not a bad idea.
She has no life, just like you.
148
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,240
I think she'd be great to live with.
149
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:37,000
Bet she'd love to stay in
watching Judge John Deed,
150
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:37,000
caressing my bunions...
151
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,880
Talking about my day.
152
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,960
"Did you have a lovely day, Grant?"
153
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"Yes I did.
154
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"But not as lovely as the way your
eyes shine when you say
the word 'aubergine'."
155
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Oi! Don't you be getting
any designs on my baby sister.
156
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,680
It'd break the laws of friendship.
157
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:58,400
Thou shalt not covet
my sister's aubergines.
158
00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,960
Sorry.
159
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,160
Are you going to ask her?
She's got plenty of room.
160
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,280
There's something nice about
siblings living together.
161
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,920
You could be just as happy
and fulfilled as The Carpenters.
162
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,120
So, Clare, last night...
163
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,400
I saw you leaving with
that flaming hot piece of grrr,
164
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,880
meow, woof, woof, bang,
chick-a-chick-a hong conga, ahhh.
165
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,520
Yeah, good nickname, concise.
166
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:32,800
Anyway, how did it go with grrrr,
167
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:32,800
meow, woof, woof...?
You can stop that!
168
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:37,640
His name is...Dean
and he was an idiot.
169
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,360
He implied I was childish.
170
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,600
You, childish?
171
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,720
Sherbet Dib-Dab? Oh, yummy.
172
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:50,600
He's jealous. You get to
take home gorgeous men and he
gets to take home... uh-uh!
173
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,080
How did YOU do last night then?
174
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,160
Not a dicky bird.
175
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,520
And not even Dickie Bird.
176
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,320
He's usually well up for it.
177
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,040
How do you do it?
178
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:09,600
Show us. I've not pulled
in a fortnight, Michelle.
179
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,760
That's 11 whole days.
180
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:18,280
OK, fine. Seeing as you put it
so stupidly, what I do is,
181
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,800
I sidle up.
182
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,080
I call that more of a waddle.
183
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I stand like this,
like a little teapot...
184
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,000
Then you bite them.
185
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,520
No, I do my eyes.
186
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,600
Then you bite them. No!
187
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:39,160
Then I pretend everything
they say is fascinating.
188
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,920
"That's fascinating."
189
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,440
So when do you bite them?
Look, no biting!
190
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:49,680
OK, I'll try it tomorrow when
we're on one of our crazy,
zany wonderland adventures.
191
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:53,240
They're called
dangerous alcoholic blackouts.
192
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,000
Yeah, yeah. Tell that to the liver.
193
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:01,000
Actually don't, she's sleeping. And
when I say sleeping, I mean rotting.
194
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:05,800
Anyway, I've got a reiki client.
I think I stand a chance with him.
195
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:10,320
Instead of whale noises,
I'm playing him a tape of me going,
196
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,200
"Ohh, you're ace,
you're really ace. Ohhh!"
197
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,720
It's really relaxing.
198
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,840
Until you get to the bit
where my mum comes in and goes,
199
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,640
"Where did you put
my prosthetic arm?"
200
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:25,320
Hiya.
201
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:29,080
Hmmm, hello, Mike! Arrrr!
202
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,640
She's biting me, Michelle.
Don't bite my brother!
203
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,720
Sorry. I forgot.
204
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,400
No biting.
205
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,080
Mike, you're not allowed at my work.
206
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,160
You caused untold damage
laughing at the over-eaters.
207
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,840
I couldn't help it,
they were jogging.
208
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:50,800
You didn't have to yell at
them, "I'm so slim", whilst
209
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:50,800
eating sugar puffs.
210
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:53,640
Michelle.
211
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,360
Pretty Michelle. Pretty-witty.
212
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,960
Pretty Michelle.
213
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,480
Mum threw me out.
214
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,320
You're not living with me.
Till my DJ'ing takes off.
215
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,000
SHE SNIGGERS
216
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,000
Why does everybody do that?
217
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,080
That's so offensive! I'm hurt!
218
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,360
I'm actually dying of hurt.
219
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,800
Oh come on!
220
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,000
Come on, I'm incapable of
looking after myself. Look.
221
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,520
Ahhh!!
222
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,040
Someone's got to do it.
223
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:37,680
If you look after me, I'll
promise I'll look after mum and dad
when bits start falling off them.
224
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,480
Mike, we talked about
this and we agreed.
225
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,600
If they're not dead by 70,
we're selling them for meat.
226
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,320
Please! I could fill up the
empty void you call your life.
227
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,520
My life is not empty!
228
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:53,240
Mum said, and I quote, "Like
a Noel Edmonds theme park". No!
229
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:58,520
No way, Michael. I'll have to
sleep in the van and the homeless
230
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:58,520
always take a shine to me.
231
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:02,760
And when I say take a shine,
they try to kill me. No, Mike.
232
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,000
It will be just like when we
were kids...
233
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:09,120
Pillow fights, Sunday nights having
a bath together. No, sorry...
234
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,240
No, Mike.
235
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:15,040
I am a disciplined,
organised career lady.
236
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,560
You are a stupid
children's entertainer.
237
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,040
It'll be like living
in "da bungalow".
238
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:28,960
# A woman said
"I know my son is dead"
239
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:33,440
RECORD PLAYS: # I'll never rest
240
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:33,440
my hands on his sacred head... #
241
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:39,040
Come on, you uncultured muppets,
this is Morrissey...
242
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,840
You'll thank me for it when
you're suicidal 15-year-olds.
243
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,280
Oh no! Look, it's that tramp.
244
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,840
He hates me. No matter where
I park the van, he's there.
245
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,360
It's schoooooo!
246
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,280
He has something
against someone called Tony.
247
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,080
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) ..Tony!
248
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,640
Don't worry, he won't attack us,
249
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,640
us homeless stick together.
250
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:07,920
Yah, Tony...
251
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,800
Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhh!
252
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,960
Ahhhh! Ahhhhh!
253
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,200
I can't end up like that.
254
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:29,360
I only like the smell of Pledge,
255
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:29,360
that's just one step away
from drinking Brasso.
256
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,080
Errrr! Errrrr!
257
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,720
I need to move in with Michelle.
258
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,440
People don't change.
259
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,080
Just do whatever worked
when you were kiddies.
260
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,800
It'll work now you're a grown-up.
261
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,920
Let me move in with you! No!
262
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,560
Let me move in with you!
No! Let me move in!
263
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,400
No! Right, you've asked for it.
264
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,240
HE HAWKS
265
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,240
No, don't Michael. No...
266
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,440
No, no, no, no no! It's disgusting!
267
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,240
You're me sister,
I can do what I like.
268
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,760
No, Mike, no!
269
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:09,800
Mike, you're hurting
my woman's parts.
270
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,320
Ugh!
271
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,560
Oh my God!
272
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,120
I can't believe you said that.
273
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:21,600
You don't have women's parts,
you're a baby, you're a... Agh!
274
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,360
When did you get women's parts?
275
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:27,320
Those are disgusting.
276
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:32,480
Shut up, monkey boy. Look, you can't
move in because I've just tidied up.
277
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,240
I'm sorting my life.
278
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:39,080
It'll be highly organised,
very mature and Dean will...
279
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,200
Oh, Dean... (SHE WHIMPERS)
Oh, eh up!
280
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,480
Oh, is it your time of the month?
281
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,120
Please don't hurt me.
282
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,280
I met a really lovely man.
283
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,600
Oh, Michelle. You met a lovely man?
Was it me?
284
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,800
No!
285
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,640
He was really nice
and he spoke the truth
286
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:05,960
and I am rubbish and I let
plants die and I have sour milk.
287
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,760
I have sour milk. Ugh!
288
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,080
I'll never have babies.
289
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,720
I'm 26 and I have nobody.
290
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:18,040
Dean was nice and I pushed him
away out of... Self-pity?
291
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,280
No... Out of your empty, empty life?
292
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,880
No, out of the door,
don't be so lateral.
293
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:25,560
Can't you get him back?
294
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,600
Maybe? Maybe I could try tonight.
295
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,520
I could be like dead ace
and lovely and pretend
296
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,560
I wasn't desperate to find someone.
297
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,960
Pretend I didn't pick up blokes...
298
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,120
I wish I didn't hopelessly fall
299
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:43,880
in love with every person who
has a job before I've even had
300
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:43,880
their STD check back.
301
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:47,600
Is that your chat-up line?
It's not very catchy.
302
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,360
No, it's not my chat-up line.
303
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:56,520
Dean seemed really nice and
now I've tidied up he'll be able to
see how grown-up and responsible...
304
00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,920
SHE WHIMPERS
305
00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,920
There, there Michelle,
don't worry...
306
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,040
Your brother's here.
307
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:07,840
Thanks, Mikey. We can always rely on
each other, can't we?
308
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,640
Yeah.
309
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,600
I'll move my stuff in later then.
Get out of my home!
310
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:25,720
Right, if Dean turns up I need
you to be my effervescent friend.
311
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,640
I need you to show him how mature,
responsible and tidy I am.
312
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:36,120
No way, I'm picking up men the
Michelle way, with lies and eyes
313
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:36,120
and no biting guys.
314
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,280
Ohhh, God, there he is!
315
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,560
OK, pretend I just said
something really witty.
316
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,000
What are you doing?
317
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,080
I'm not really into wit.
I do like my slapstick.
318
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,320
So, pretend I'm Norman Wisdom. OK.
319
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:58,360
Let it go, Norman, you're too old
and you're gonna hurt yourself.
320
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,800
Have a gander, is he looking at me?
321
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:05,720
Only if he's looking through
the face of the woman he's snogging.
322
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,240
What?!
323
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,400
Huh... Oh! Oh, God!
324
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,240
Hi!
325
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,160
Oh, sod it.
326
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,600
Ow!
327
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,160
Grr, grrr... Tony...
328
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:29,040
Stop this, it's highly illegal
and a little bit silly. Grrrr!
329
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:33,200
Tony! I'm a solicitor...
330
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,520
Ohhh, for God...
331
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,920
What's going on? Hey!
Leave him alone! Oi!
332
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,760
Leave it, Michelle,
his death is inevitable.
333
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,880
Go on, Grant, make him work for it.
334
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,760
Uh, uh, uh... Uh, uh, huh...
335
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,320
What was all that about?
336
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:55,200
I've been sleeping in the van and
no matter where I go, that tramp
337
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:55,200
always finds me,
338
00:18:55,200 --> 00:19:01,080
shouting, "Tony, grrrrrr!"
at the same time.
339
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:06,720
For God's sake. Look,
take the flat keys and drive back,
you can stay with me.
340
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,240
Just for tonight, mind.
341
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,960
Who would have thought it would take
Grant getting killed to make you
342
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,960
see sense?
343
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,880
Grant isn't dead, he's just...
344
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,600
Grrrrrr! Grrrrr!
345
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,680
Save me from the destitute.
346
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,840
Ohhhh! Ohhhhh!
347
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,880
Oh look...Tony!
348
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,360
So, terrapins, eh?
349
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,800
Completely fascinating!
350
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,360
Oh, sod it... Ahhh!
351
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:49,560
Grrrrr.
352
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,200
Grant, you all right?
353
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:56,680
No-one can know how unfit they are
until they've been chased by
a tramp.
354
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,240
I'll get you a drink.
355
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,320
He wanted blood, which
is fine if he was from
356
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,080
the Heart Foundation or
357
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,080
a vampire, but I don't think he was.
358
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,880
What were you doing out there on
your own? It's dangerous out there.
359
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,000
You need somebody to protect you.
360
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,440
Some sort of big, strong man.
361
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,520
Are you mocking me?
No, I wouldn't do that.
362
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,240
So, what you doing this evening?
363
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:29,280
Same as usual, trying to ruin the
last vestiges of my dignity with
364
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:29,280
booze and loose men.
365
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,960
You remind me of my granddad.
366
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,240
Dear old Vampy.
367
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:38,200
Dear old drunken,
closet homosexual Vampy.
368
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,640
Oh God, what have I done?
369
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,600
What?
370
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,720
There's a bloke in here that
I'm really interested in.
371
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,040
Oh, really?
372
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:56,640
But I can't do that thing
I usually do on men because
he's too special, too mature and...
373
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,520
Law abiding?
374
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,360
Oh, I think he'd break
the law for you, Michelle.
375
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:07,200
So why don't you show me that
thing that you do?
376
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,640
You'll laugh. I won't, I've got
a terrible sense of humour.
377
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,960
Del Boy falling through that bar...
Only laughed the first 17 times.
378
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,360
OK.
379
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,160
Golly. There's more.
380
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,280
Oh heck.
381
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,280
Any more?
382
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,640
Yes... Then I'd say to, er, you...
383
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:36,200
"Oh, Sir, I simply adore
Judge John Deed." Aghhhh...
384
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:43,800
Then, once I knew I had you, I'd say
something really provocative. Go on.
385
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:48,280
Like, "Maybe you should
go and wait in my bedroom,
386
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,920
"then we can do it until dawn.
To hell with the consequences".
387
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,160
Mmm... Mwaaaa...
388
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,600
That type of thing.
389
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,600
I'll turn the sheets down.
390
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:04,920
And for you I'm a-takin' my tie off.
391
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,440
Yeah, perhaps I...
392
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,760
Dean. Michelle.
393
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,520
Dean. Michelle.
394
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,040
Dean. Michelle.
395
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:32,040
We could go on all night like this.
But you'd be better off latched
onto that girl.
396
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:36,560
She's easy, but
ultimately unfulfilling,
like an English degree.
397
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,400
I came here to...
398
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,760
Pick up men? No, I came here to
399
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,760
tell you that I've bought a new plant
400
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,240
and threw out the milk
and my mum's picture.
401
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:52,000
You're right, she's nasty.
I don't want to do this anymore...
402
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,760
Or this... Or, "Oh, sir, I find sea
shanties completely fascinating".
403
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,760
Really, how do you feel about
Barnacle Bill? No, Dean...
404
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,440
What I'm saying is,
you were right,
405
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:08,800
I want a proper adult
relationship with one man.
406
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:15,040
One incredibly attractive, tall,
dark man. Oh, is he here?
407
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,960
Dean, it's you. Well, duh!
408
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,160
I mean... Digger, digger,
digger, digger...
409
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:28,960
So, if you like me at all
just give me another chance,
we might have something here.
410
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:34,080
What makes you think I'd give you
another chance? Well duh! chucka,
411
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:34,080
chucka, chucka...
412
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,320
Oh, erm, actually, could you
go and get some breath mints?
413
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:44,400
Oh, breath mints?
414
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:50,960
Yeah, your breath smells of
Monster Munch. Monster Munch.
415
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,840
Mike, I'm bringing Dean back,
but I think I might have left
416
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,680
a dirty coffee cup on the table,
can you put it away?
417
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,800
No problem.
418
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,720
Argh!
419
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:34,680
Argh!
420
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,960
Hello, Mike.
421
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,800
God, this place is a mess.
422
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:44,000
Who knew she was such a mucky girl?
423
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,080
Michelle's never gonna
let me stay if she sees...
424
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:50,760
Hang on, what's with the
flowers and the champagne?
425
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,080
Is that Old Spice?
426
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:56,760
No it's not, I'm a bit nervous.
427
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,240
Michelle practically told me
tonight that she loves me...
428
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:04,720
That's my little sister, that
breaks every mate's law going.
429
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,320
Who cares about the
law when you have love?
430
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:13,640
Well, except the Law Society.
They get right annoyed when
love's your defence in arson cases.
431
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,080
You know what really gets her going?
432
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,360
Welsh men? No, other than that?
433
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:22,320
What? A really...
434
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,480
tidy flat in which
to do her bidding.
435
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,400
Ah! Mmm...
436
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,800
Ah! Tidy up, Grant.
437
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,560
Lovely and clean.
438
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,840
Unlike my mind!
439
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,880
Hey? Hey?! Hey?!
440
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:47,280
Oi! That's my little sister.
441
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:47,280
INTERCOM BUZZES
442
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,680
Come up. That's her.
443
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:54,440
You go and wait on the balcony. No!
444
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,240
But it's more romantic!
445
00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:00,520
Just imagine the wind
blowing through her hair,
446
00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:00,520
the champagne loosening her bra,
447
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:05,080
the light sparkling in her eyes
as she whispers to you, "aubergine".
448
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,160
No, I'm not going to stand
on the balcony, it's cold.
449
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,360
See, this place is immaculate.
Yeah it is.
450
00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:18,440
There's champagne, Michelle.
Champagne.
451
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,160
Champagne!
452
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,240
You thought of everything.
No, but...
453
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,440
And flowers. Oh!
I always have fresh flowers.
454
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,920
Thank you.
I'd be an asset in any home.
455
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,800
Yes, OK, you can move in.
456
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,000
Get in!
457
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:37,360
Who's this, one of your conquests?
Oh man, that's my sister!
458
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,560
That's my brother, Mike. And I am...
459
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,200
Her favourite brother.
460
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:46,320
I advise her on her flat, her
lifestyle, her choice of boyfriends.
461
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,440
In your room.
462
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,880
What's going on, Michelle?
463
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,960
This is the bloke I told you about.
464
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,280
Dean, look, the place
is completely spotless.
465
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,840
And if you'd
like to check the fridge...
466
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,880
Yeah, don't look in the fridge!
467
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,480
Grant, you left your tie
hanging on the door outside.
468
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,440
Some people are so messy.
469
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:13,240
I don't know
if I'm convinced, Michelle.
470
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:18,120
What? Yeah, I think I'd better
check your bedroom to make sure
471
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:18,120
you've done a thorough job.
472
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:20,680
That is just so pernickety!
473
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,840
I cannot believe that...
474
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:27,080
Oh! Yeah... Mmmm...
475
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,920
Yeah... Agh!
476
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,600
I can make you say that a lot more
in the bedroom.
477
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,560
I'll be on the balcony.
478
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,880
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006
479
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:45,760
Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk
57607
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