All language subtitles for Corner.Gas.S04E08.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264.1-QOQ_track3_[eng]

That's not what
I'm saying at all.

I'm just saying that if robots
did fight werewolves,

who'd win?

Fascinating.
You done?

Werewolves have claws,
robots can have claws.

You know, in many ways,
the werewolf is nature's robot.

You're not done.

I think we can agree that
when robots fight werewolves,

we all win.

Hank, maybe this isn't the
right forum for your theories.

Yeah. You should maybe
start a blog.

I was gonna tell him to
lay down on the highway

and discuss it with traffic,
but a blog?

Yeah, a blog.

It's short for web log,
web because it's on the Internet

and log because, um...

They were originally
printed on wood.

Right.

Why waste this on us, when
you can put it on the Internet

and have the whole
world ignore it?

Whole world, huh?

Yeah, you should go now.

I mean the world
needs more Hank.

Yeah.

Werewolves versus robots.

That's a whole new level
of stupid.

I know.

Werewolves would
trash robots.

Are you crazy?

Robots have lasers
and rocket boots.

♪ You can tell me that
your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it
took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can
stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot
goin' on ♪♪

HANK:
Hello, people on the Internet.

Welcome to my musings,
Hank Talkin'.

Yes, you read right.
I spell talkin' with no G.

That is to show
I have attitude.

Yes, Hank Talkin' will not
be afraid to shake things up.

I am a rule breaker.

Huh?

Why are you eating
salad with a spoon?

I'm a rule breaker.

Now the real question.
Why are you eating a salad?

She brought me
the wrong thing.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little distracted today.

News from home.

Nothin' bad, I hope.

My friend's a chef.

Well, that would
rattle anybody.

She just got this
new show, on TV,

where she travels the world
cooking for celebrities.

That's a lotta work, really.

I don't think she has any idea
what she's getting herself into.

Yeah? Sounds like
a real screw-up.

Lacey, that black goo is coming
out of the dishwasher again.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

I have goo to deal with.

I don't know how people
eat this stuff.

It's leaves all
the way down.

Buncha crooks.
They get ya comin' and goin'.

Phone company?

Cable company?

Close.

Plus at the end of the day,
they waste the money.
Ah, government.

Davis tells me he doesn't
like doin' his taxes,

if you can wrap
your head around that.

Are you nuts?
Tax time is great.

Really?

It's a challenge.

It's you versus the man,
movin' your money around,

hidin' your pennies.

It's like a financial
shell game.

I look forward to it.

You make it sound
like Christmas.

Tax time kicks the crap
outta Christmas.

Bah, humbug.

HANK:
Yes, the rumours are true.
My truck is busted.

Sure, it slows me down.

But a slower pace means you get
to spend time with friends,

like in the olden days,
before they invented my truck.

No, no, no, that's
a common misconception.

There's actually only
seven bones in the human body.

Please stop talking.

No, no, it's true, it's true.
Uh, whaddaya got?

Ya got the skull, the legs, uh,
femur, um, what are we up to?

Maybe there's only six.

Malarkey.

Whoa, whoa. Who's throwin'
the M word around.

Hank's been entertaining us with
his theories on the human body.

Yeah? Better than when he does
his sounds of the human body.

There's actually
only seven bones.

You see, you got the skull,
the arm, the--

Hold up, buddy.
Don't spoil it for me.

I want to read about
it in your blog.

The what?

Hank Talkin'.
It's a forum
for my musings.

So, anyway, you got
the skull, the legs--

I want to read
about this on your...

Blog.

Yeah, I like that thing.
Me too. I love your blob.

Wow. This thing's really
catchin' on, huh?

All right.

What the heck's a blog?

Well, it's an online--

We just got Hank to shut up.
Don't you start.

Oh, yeah,

we could definitely
do you better.

For example, why own your car,
when you can form a company,

sell your car to the company,

then lease your car
back to yourself?

I don't want to sell my car.

You don't. You lease it
from yourself.

And when do I have to
give it back to me?

You don't. It's a trick.

I like tricks.

Yeah, so I was feeling
in a bit of a rut today,

so I went in the back and
whipped up a batch of polenta.

What's a polenta?

It's Italian.
It's cornmeal lightly--

Pass.

No offence, Lacey.

But if we want something fancy,
we'll go someplace that--

Geez, I kinda painted myself
into a corner here.

Never mind palinka.
What's the soup of the day?

Same as yesterday.

She can't do that, can she?

Oh.

What's her problem?

I don't know.

But it's starting
to affect soup.

I was worried that Hank Talkin'
wouldn't catch on.

But that was malarkey.

It turns out not a day goes by
someone doesn't tell me

they read it.

Hey, Karen.
No need. Read it on the blurb.

Blog.
Love it.

Does it feel good to be a hit?

In a word, it sure does.

Hey, Davis.

I figured you'd be
in tax prison by now.

Oh, no, it's
all above board.

Wanda has me incorporating as
a private security contractor.

I can write off legal costs,
office equipment.

What do you need
a fax machine for?

He can fax in his tax forms.
Saves on stamps.

How much did
all this cost?

Oh, it's not my money.

It's International
Protection League's money.

That's my corporation.
So a dummy company.

I'm going to see if
I can fax to myself.

A $200 fax machine to
save 51¢ on a stamp?

You have to spend
money to save money.

And I saved him a bundle.

Okay, so I didn't exactly
save him a bundle.

But on the upside,

the money I lost him wasn't
exactly a bundle either.

Well, the important thing
is you're having fun.

If he wanted to save
money, he coulda used a
professional accountant.

There you go.

Who's gonna give me
a ride home?
Why, you drunk?

I wish.

My truck's busted, like I
wrote about in the blog?

Oh, yeah, right.

Right.

I loved that part...
about the truck.

Wait a minute.

Hey.

Lacey tried to give me polenta.
I'm worried about her mind.

Brent, you know
about my truck?

What about your truck?

Oh, man.

You guys haven't been
reading my blog at all.

No, no, I-I read it,
about the truck

and the thing that happened to
it, or you had done to it.

Aw, you guys are just
trying to get me to shut up.

Shut up.
I mean not true.

Well, thanks a lot.

From now on Hank Yarbo
blogs no more.

Way to go, you guys.

smell of the grill.

That's what I do all day,
that's my job.

But this will be outside.

Oh, great.
My job plus bugs.

When I tell Davis I lost him
money, he's gonna go ballistic.

You don't have
to tell him.

He's walkin' around
in seventh heaven.

Check out my logo for
International Protection League.

It's a bear with a snake
in its mouth fightin' a dragon.

How is that international?

Dragons are from China.

Hey, so, uh, I was
reading your blog.

No, you weren't.

Yeah, I was. I thought it was
interesting how you said,

"If Goldfinger had been
named Honeyfinger"--

Ah, too little too late.

"then they wouldn't have
called in James Bond."

I blog no more.

"Just 'cause some guy's
smuggling honey."

Hey, since you read it anyway,
what did Hank talk about,

just in case?

Here, write it down.

What the heck is
International Protection League?

Horseshoes will cheer you up.
They're lucky.

Why is it that people
who like to do things

always make people who don't
like to do things, do things?

Is this about the polenta?
Because I ate a salad.

How many freaky foreign foods
do you want me to try?

Salad is not foreign.

Yeah, right.

Italian dressing,
Romanian lettuce,

crouton -s.

Here.

And it's just a
friendly game.

It's not like
you're playin' Oscar.

He's the horseshoe king.

Oh, yeah? Why's that?

Because he's really
good at backgammon.

Man, no wonder you don't
have a cooking show.

Technically, if you're
only looking at the
dollars and cents--

Uh-huh?

I may not have saved you
any dollars, or cents.

What?

In fact, another way
to look at it,

is to say that I actually
cost you money.

But here's the thing.

I had the courage to tell you
and you respect me for that.

You cost me money?

Yes.

Tax time isn't fun time.

Nice.

What are you gonna do next,

tell a little kid
there's no Santa Claus?

Hello. I'm Ivan Fecan,
Head of CTV.

If there's any children
watching, Karen didn't

really mean to say to say
there's no Santa Claus.

She just meant it would
be mean to tell kids

there's no Santa Claus.

Because, in fact, there is.

That's the position of Karen,
CTV, our affiliate stations,

and myself, Ivan Fecan.

Seasons Greetings, everyone.

Yes!

In your face!

Woo-hoo!

You ready to get
creamed again?

No. You're cheered up enough.

Oh.

I'm the Queen of Horseshoes.

Who will challenge me?

Hey.

Only I clang horseshoes.

Are you ready to back that up?

♪ You sure you want this?

♪ Bring it on.

Let me finish
my hotdog first.

Sure, no problem.

My point is, if Vikings
could travel through time,

they'd be impressed by how much
glow in the dark stuff we have

and how we take it
for granted.

Right.

I, uh, I-I read about that
in your, uh, the thing.

No ya didn't.
You just want
to shut me up.

No. I read about it too,
how if you brought Vikings

from the past, they would
be impressed by things

that glow in the dark,
like stickers and...

some types of t-shirts.

Wow.

My, uh, blog really
did reach people.

You make some good
glow-in-the-dark-related points.

Things that
had to be said.

Maybe I should, uh,
start up the blog again.

Go start it now.

Yeah, all right.

That's like magic.
Where did you get that?

Brent's handing them out.

Hah!

Well, I was close.

Close only counts in
horseshoes and de--

well, anyway, you lost.

I thought I was pretty
good at horseshoes.

Well, just remember,
you're not.

Well, I guess the important
thing is we had fun.

Mommy and Daddy
mighta told you that,

but it ain't true.

And there's no
tooth fairy either.

Okay, look,
there is a tooth fairy.

I don't know why he said that.

I'd like to apologize to
all the kids on behalf

of the CTV family of companies
and myself, Ivan Fecan.

Now remember, kids,

replace your toothbrush
every three months.

Oh!

Don't you think you're
being a bit hard on her?

Ah, she'll get over it.

This is soup?

It looks like dirty water.

I can't do anything right.
What's the point?

Oh, well, she bounced back.

Don't.

Although certain people
are still in my bad books

for lying to me--

I will not say their name.

Brent, you know who you are,
exclamation point,
exclamation point.

Exclamation point.

Brent, do you have any more of
those Hank Talkin' cheat sheets?

No, I'm all out.

Well, could you give
me the gist of it?

No. You have to
read the details.

Look, I hurt a friend
once with a careless lie.

I learned a valuable lesson
about lying more convincingly.

You should put the
cheat sheets online.

Online? You mean like a blog?

Yeah. Except people read it.

These are still frozen.

Oh.

Yeah, I thought
they might be.

And then I thought about
the infinite blackness of space.

No matter what you do,

it'll always be cold.

What's with glummy puss?

Blame the horseshoe king.

Well, she's no use
to us like this.

You should play her again
and throw the match.

No way. You don't
throw horseshoes.

Well, yes, you throw them.
That's the nature of the game.

But you don't throw
the actual game.

I want you to look at your
soup and say that again.

I'll do it.

I could see my friend
was feeling down,

so I decided to cheer her up.

A wise man said it takes
less muscles to make a smile

than it does to frown.

Still feelin' blue just
because you haven't

accomplished anything
with your life?

Ah, that is a nice thing
for you to say, Hank.

You know, I used
to worry too.

But then I realized, why worry?

And look at me now.

That's your advice,
"Why worry?"

And look at me now.

So I should resign myself
to failure?

Boy, I feel super.

Of course, it also takes
less muscles to smile meanly

in a sarcastic way,
very less.

Underlined.

DAVIS:
Look, bad enough
you lost me money.

But you didn't even pay me the
respect of lying to me about it.

That hurts.

I can get your money back.

What if I told you Lacey's
gonna beat Oscar in horseshoes?

Impossible.

He's gonna throw the game.

You don't throw horseshoes.

I mean, yeah,
you throw 'em, but--

It's fixed.

We put a little money on it,
we get long odds,

you're back in the black.

I don't know.

It sounds illegal.

You're the law.

It's not illegal if you
say it's not illegal.

Really?

When you fall off a horse,
you have to get back on.

It's like riding a bicycle,
except with legs.

That's why I really
admire Lacey for trying.

I don't want to
play horseshoes.

I'm no good at horseshoes.

Come on, ya big chicken.

You haven't accomplished
anything with your life.

I was trying tough love.

I think, later, when she
hit me with a rock,

that was tough love too.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Oh, all right,
fine, I'll play.

Less talkin'.
Let's see Oscar beat Lacey.

HANK:
Ow!

Hey, did ya hear?

Lacey's playing
Oscar at horseshoes.

Really? He'll cream her.

Oh, that's for certain.
That's a sure thing.

Oh, I don't know.
Wanna put money on it?

You want to put
money on Lacey?

That's crazy.

What a foolish thing
Wanda's doing.

Well, she's lost one in a row.
She's due.

Hey, I need the latest
cheat sheet for Hank.

I put it on the Internet.

It's the wave of the future.

Oh, plus there's this
bonus thing that I wrote

about who's stretchier, Plastic
Man or Stretch Armstrong.

Uh-huh.

I know Plastic Man
is a superhero and

Stretch Armstrong is a toy, but,
still, as a thought experiment--

Don't ruin it.
I'll read it on your glog.

HANK:
It was an exciting match.

Who thought Lacey would
pull ahead like that?

BRENT:
I think Plastic Man
would be stretchier

than Stretch Armstrong.

A bold statement.
But bear with me.

Here's a fun thing.

Wanda just put
money down on Lacey.

I'm just tellin' ya,
'cause it's fun and legal.

Oh. I gotta get in on that.

Now, just remember,
throw short.

But I can make this shot,
I can win.

Think about the soup.

But--

Take the dive, Leroy.
Do ya hear me?

You're goin' down and
you're goin' down hard.

You're takin' the fall
for Thursby.

Who's Thursby?

I'm just getting a
little worked up.

Yes!

I am the Queen of Horseshoes!
Clang, clang!

Cooking show that!

Wow. What happened there?

Looks like you'll have to
pay your money to Wanda now.

Hey, this soup's
got soup in it.

Well, I am feelin'
much better.

Pitchin' shoes did
wonders for me.

You don't call them shoes.
They're horseshoes.

Are you the Horseshoe King?

Excuse me, are ya?
Are ya?

No.

Well, she's perked up.

Yeah, it's like I said
in my blog.

Once she wins somethin',
she'll bounce back.

Oh, yeah. And about Mr., um,
Stretchy Arm.

The point is, I lost the
game fair and square.

So now she has to stop moping
and the food gets better.

Wait. You threw
the game, didn't you?

No.

Wait. You didn't read
my blog, did you?
No.

No.
The game was rigged?
No.
No.

So, can I clang?

No.
No.

d.

That's illegal.

It's not illegal if I
say it's not illegal.

You can't just make up
your own laws, Boss Hogg.

It's all legit.

Right, Wanda?

Davis Quinton isn't
responsible for the debt

of International
Protection League.

Well, I guess we're just
a couple a guys with blogs

that no one reads.

Well, I don't think
that no one--

no one reads them, do they?

I started on that
Stretch Armstrong thing,

but lost interest.

Besides, Mr. Fantastic
is stretchier than both
of them put together.

Oh, that's a good point.

Plus he's a genius.

HANK:
That summer I learned the
true value of a friend.

It's not just companionship.

It's so that when they fail,

you can feel better
about yourself.

Nobody's reading this blog,
are they?

Question mark.

Is there anybody out there?
Question mark.

Ah, I'm gettin' a sandwich.

Closed Captioning by

Vertical Sync
Closed Captioning Services Inc.

www.verticalsync.com

♪ I don't know the same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know
I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know
Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

Want to have a gas online?
Visit us at cornergas.com

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪