All language subtitles for The New Adventures of Old Christine S0507 Nuts

(groaning)

I have just had the
most exhausting day

of my entire life.

Hey, did you get that thing
for me?

Here's the thing:

I was on my way to get it, then
something terrible happened.

I stopped to get
a pair of pants.

And listen to this:

apparently I'm "between sizes."

I don't care
about your pants.

What about that notarized
character reference

for my immigration
hearing?

Here's the thing...

I knew you wouldn't get it.

Here's the thing, okay.

I looked everywhere
for a notary office,

but there wasn't one anywhere
for, like, miles.

Plenty of Gaps and
Starbucks, though.

I'm telling you,

if you're looking
for pants and coffee,

this is the town to be in.

That's not even a joke.

Damn it, Christine.

I knew you
wouldn't do it.
(sighs)

How dare you.

I am fatter than
I have ever been, okay?

I'll get your thing
notarized tomorrow.

First thing.

After I work on
moving up a size.

Here you go.

One notarized character
reference for you.

One phone number

from a sexy notary public

who was impressed with the size
of my thumbprint for me.

Wait a minute. What the hell?

She sees a lot
of thumbs.

She knows what
she's talking about.

Wait, you asked Matthew
to do that for you?

But I thought I was doing it.

Here's the thing:

I always get a backup whenever
I ask you to do stuff for me.

I busted my pear-shaped ass
for you.

Why would you think
that I wouldn't do that?

Because you didn't.

But you didn't know that.

Mm, I kind of did.

Well, that's insulting.

No, what's insulting is,
I ask you to do a favor

that could possibly keep me
from being deported,

and you spent the day
trying on pants.

Barb, they had to get
the manager, okay.

She said I had a custom shape.

Whatever. It's done.

Thank you, Matthew.
Oh, you're welcome.

But don't be so hard
on Christine.

She's has a lot
on her plate,

which might explain
her custom shape.

You know what?

I don't appreciate being treated
like some sort

of good-for-nothing lollygagger,
all right?

Which I am not.

In fact, I cannot talk to you
right now,

'cause I am a parent,

and I have to go and pick up
my son from school, okay?

Because I get things done.

Hey, guys.

Where's my mom?

She's out getting
things done.

Yeah, so, she
asked Matthew

to get the form
for her as a backup

because she just figured
I wouldn't do it.

Which you didn't.

That's not the point.

What is the point?

The point is,
it's not my fault.

"It's not my fault."

You say that a lot.

Along with "Are you
going to finish that?"

and "It smelled like that
when I came in here."

It isn't my fault.

I had a hard time
finding a notary.

Notaries are everywhere.

There's three on this floor.

I'm a notary.

Okay!

Okay, but the point is,
I couldn't find one.

And then when I did find
a notary, it was closed.

So that isn't my fault.

How long have you known

that you had to get
this thing notarized?

I don't know. Not long.

Like two months.

So you waited
till the last minute?

What are you implying?

I'm not implying. I'm saying it.

You don't think
anything is your fault.

Oh. That's interesting.

Nothing is my fault.

Huh.

I think we can call that
a breakthrough.

Christine, I've been seeing you
for about three weeks now.

I'm sensing a bit
of a pattern here.

Anytime anything seems
too difficult to finish,

you bail on it.

Your errands, your job,
your screenplay.

No, I finished that screenplay.

It's not my fault
there was another gay

but less graphic cowboy movie
out at the same time.

I've also heard you say
the same things

about your relationships
with men.

That you're not doing so well
in that department.

Are you kidding me?

I've had 15 relationships
since my divorce.

All sexual.

You're incapable of-of real

and meaningful long-term
relationships,

because when things get hard,
you check out early.

You mean like us?

Yes. No. No.

We didn't get together

because we decided
that you needed therapy

more than a boyfriend.

And I think that was
a good decision.

I mean, by now we would've
had incredible sex,

and you would've
broken up with me,

and instead we get to do this.

And for some reason, I'm happy
with that arrangement.

What would you think I would've
broken up with you?

Because that's what you do.

When-when something gets
uncomfortable for you, you quit.

You know, this is making me
uncomfortable.

And you're fired.
See?

Quitting.
No, I'm not quitting.

I'm firing you.

We've had three sessions,
you've fired me seven times.

Well, if you would stop saying
that things are my fault,

you could keep your job.

What job? You haven't
even paid me yet.

Yeah, well,
I'm going to pay you.

I'm just ran out of checks.
And I can't find an ATM.

This is a bank building.

Look, why don't you
come back tomorrow,

and we'll talk about this
some more?

Because I just fired you.

I think you want to get better,

or you wouldn't be here.

A fired therapist says what?

Breakthrough.
Really?

No. I'll see you tomorrow.

You ready to take a break so
the boys can hit the beach?

Who are "the boys"?

We're the boys.

The bad boys of unit 116.

(huffing)
(chuckles)

Well, first of all, you haven't
been a boy in 30 years.

And I'm not really
a beach person.

My mom never made
the transition

to a one-piece
bathing suit.

Her bikini scared me
more than Jaws.

Oh, well, I guess
I'm flying solo.

Do me one solid, put some
of this puppy on my back.

Okay, you know what?
We need to talk.

What up, bro?

Oh.

All right, let's
start with that.

With the "bro" and
the, and the "boys"

and the "puppies," and,
you know, this thing.

We're not a couple
of 20-year-old guys

sharing our first
apartment together.

We're grown men.
We have our own lives.

Yeah, we do.

See, I don't do that.

In-in-in fact, there's a lot
of things that I don't do,

starting with rubbing
suntan lotion on your back.

And we're not going to dare
each other to eat things

or have sex with things.

Uh, we're not going
to date sisters

or stewardesses.

We're not going to
name this place,

uh, "Vegas West,"

and we will never,
oh, no never,

"hug it out."

What are we even doing, then?

We're sharing rent.

That's about as
far as it goes.

You know, ever since
we moved in here,

you've been acting
like a freak.

You put labels on your food, you
put a password on your computer.

You make me close
the bathroom door.

What's the matter
with you?

I-I just came out of a
difficult roommate situation,

and I need some boundaries.

I had none with Christine.

None.

Well, I'm not Christine.

Yeah, that's correct.
And that's why

we're going to have a different
kind of relationship.

A, uh, a separate, bro-less
relationship.

If you can live
with those rules,

everything here is going
to work out fine.

Wow.

I always thought it would be so
great to have a male roommate.

It seems like so much fun
in the movies.

But you are no Vince Vaughn,
my friend.

CHRISTINE: Here.

Here's your immigration
thing all notarized.

I think you owe me an apology.

Really?
Yeah.

I think you might owe me one.

You were supposed to pick me up
at the eye doctor.

He dilated my eyes and
I wasn't supposed to drive,

but I did anyway.

Christine, I felt a bump,
and I just kept going.

We probably should watch
the news tonight.

Here's your form.

I don't need it anymore.

Matthew already did it.

And I may have killed a man.

No, no, no, no.

You are taking this, okay.

I went through hell
to get this for you.

I went to three
different notaries.

The first one had a huge line,
the second one had stairs,

the third one was
in some woman's house

with old dogs or a fart
machine or something,

but I stuck it out

and I got your damn notarized
whatever it is.

So, just take it.

Thanks, anyway.

No, you're taking it.

It's too late.

I don't need it anymore.

Well, just hold it
in your hand.

It doesn't matter.

It matters to me.

Just... take it!

What is wrong with you?

Take it!

No.
Take it!

No.
Take it!

No.
Take it!

Take...
It's too late!

Barb, please, take it.

If you don't take it,

everybody's going to
think I'm a quitter.

But you are a quitter.

You quit college,
you quit your marriage.

You haven't been
to work in so long,

I thought you quit here.

Oh, I know.

Max is right.

He's brilliant.

He nailed me.

You got nailed
by your therapist?

I guess that's all it takes
for you-- a couch and a smile.

No, no.

We decided it'd be better
if he was my therapist,

and in three weeks,
he figured me out.

I mean, I quit everything
when it's hard.

I mean, even if I don't
understand a word in a book,

I just throw it away
and I read the funnies.

I've never seen you read
the funnies.

That's because when I don't
understand the funnies,

I throw it away
and I drink wine.

And I do this with men,
too, you know.

I treat them like jelly beans.

I quit on them when all the
black ones are gone.

I recognize that line
from your screenplay.

Look, you're getting yourself
all worked up.

It's no big deal.

This is who you are, and we've
all learned to accept it.

What? That's terrible.

Accept that?

That I'm a-a flake
and a failure?

I mean, why are you
even my friend?

Let's not start pulling
at that thread.

Okay, I am here.

Which should prove
to you I am no flake.

You're an hour and a half late.

(crying)

He's good, huh?

Uh-huh.

He nailed me, too.

(sobbing)

I had a breakthrough.
Write it down.

Breakthrough.

No. A real one.

I do, I do quit things
when they're hard.

I-I've never finished
my wedding thank-you notes,

I don't have a driver's license,

I haven't put together
Ritchie's car seat.

I mean, it's all my fault,

and I need help.

I'm proud of you,

and I know you can change.

How do you know?
Because I have faith in you.

Why?
I don't know, I think
it's because you're pretty.

Same reason I trusted
that model to do my taxes.

Although this will probably
result in less jail time.

Okay, so what kind of pill
are you going to give me?

Oh, I'm allergic to sulfa,
just an FYI.

So I don't want anything
with side effects,

un-unless it's rapid
weight loss.

There's no pill, Christine.
No magic cure.

I'm talking about changing
the way you live your life.

You may even have
to give up some things.

Oh, I can do that,
as long as it's easy.

What I like to do with patients
in your condition

is to take this therapy
small steps at a time.

My condition?
In your condition.

What's my condition?
You're nuts.

Hey, how was the beach?

We don't have to talk about it.

You were pretty clear before,

so I'll just keep my beach
activities to myself.

Uh, why are you
walking like that?

What happened to you?

Are you hurt?

Yeah, Matthew.
I'm a little hurt.

Because you wouldn't put
sunscreen on my back.

And when I asked the lifeguard
if he would do it,

he said he couldn't touch me

unless I was stung
by a jellyfish.

And so, I spent
the whole afternoon

lying on it and I fell asleep,
and I burned another area.

Area? What area?

A hidden area.

A very sensitive, hidden area.

Oh, God.

No, it's not that.

Oh, good.

It's my balls.

Aw!

Come on, that's what
I thought it was!

How did that happen?

I cut the mesh out
of my swim trunks

because it's irritating,

and I guess when I fell asleep,
and the plums peeked out.

Oh, my God. That's awful.

The mesh is the most
important part

of a middle-aged man's
bathing suit.

You don't cut the mesh!

I know!

I got an earful from the couple

who was directly down-ball
from me.

Don't worry about it.

You didn't want a friend,
you don't have a friend.

I will deal with this on my own.

(sobbing quietly)

How long do I have to do this?

As long as the gym is open.

Barb, how long is the gym open?

12 hours.

Oh, I can't do this.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm claustrophobic.

I'm running out of oxygen.

I can't stand to see
her like this.

I got to go in there.

No, you don't.

You, Barb, you are what
we call an "enabler."

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

"Get me the Enabler!"

You know, I could offer
you guys a two-for-one rate.

You guys, guess what?

If you let me out of here,
I have a present for you.

Don't listen to her.

She's in the
bargaining phase now.

She'll say anything
to manipulate us.

Have you done this
with other patients?

All the time.

If I've got a patient
who is afraid of flying,

I take them in a plane.

If I've got a patient
who has a fear of water,

I take them to the beach.

If I have a patient
who's afraid of snakes,

I refer them
to another doctor.

What's Christine afraid of?

Anything that requires work.

Which is why I thought
it made sense to start here.

God, I hate this!

I swear when I get out of here,
I'm going to kill you!

She's in the anger phase now.

What's next?
Grief.

(sobbing):
Oh, my God.

Why me?!

Followed by acceptance.

Oh, well.
What are you going to do?

Aw, nuts.

Are you okay?

Don't worry about it.

We're just two guys
paying rent.

(groans)

Oh, God, look at you.

I feel terrible.

This is all my fault.

I want to make
it up to you.

Hey, what do you say

sometimes we hang out together?

And, you know what,

I guess we could
name the apartment.

And let's be honest,
if sisters or stewardesses

show any interest in us,
I'm not going to say no.

Please forgive me.

Okay.

I forgive you, homes.

Well, that is nice of you...
dawg.

So how bad is it?

I don't know. I've
been too afraid to look.

Will you?

Would Vince Vaughn?

Probably not.

All right, look,

I've had some medical training
and I've lived with Christine.

I've seen some stuff.

Do you know what,
it's not so bad.

You can probably take
the bubble wrap off.

I'm not wearing bubble wrap.

Come on, bro.
We're going to the hospital.

Why do I have to do this?

I already spent
eight hours at work.

Because that's what people do.

They work all day
and then they come home,

and there's more work to do.

Only Mormon women do that.

And by the way, you were only at
work for an hour and 45 minutes.

This is ridiculous!

I hate you.

You don't hate me, Christine.

Trust me, I have an
ex-girlfriend who hates me.

If you ever have the time, log
onto maxkershawisadouche.com.

You'll see what hate looks like.

Now come on, finish it.

The assignment was to
vacuum the entire room.

But look, the cord
won't even reach that far.

Well, then find another outlet.

And you're going to have
to empty that vacuum

before you continue.

Oh, this is not happening to me!

I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you what,

if you let me quit right
now, I'll sleep with you.

And I'm good,
you know.

18 guys can't be wrong.

Now it's 18?

My God, no wonder you
have no time to work.

Come on.

I don't think I can
do this, Max.

I know you can.

You're a strong,
capable, slutty woman

who can vacuum a tiny room.

No, I can't.

I didn't even know
I had a vacuum.

And I've only slept
with two guys.

I'm a liar...

and I'm lazy.

I appreciate your honesty,

but honesty is not going
to clean your carpet.

You really are a douche.

Dear Aunt Rachel, thank you
so much for the place setting.

Richard and I really enjoyed it.

Sorry you died.

Say hi to Grandma.

Okay, I'm on a roll.

Who's next?

That was the last one.

What? You are kidding me.

Why did it take me 15 years
to finish this?

It was so easy.

I wasted all that time
feeling guilty about it.

Exactly.

Now let's pay some bills,

starting with mine.

You know what, I feel like
I can do anything now.

You cured me.

Ha, not even close.

But it's a step in
the right direction.

I may even go so far
as to call it a breakthrough.

Really, a breakthrough?

Well, mini breakthrough.

World's smallest breakthrough.

A breakthrough
only dogs can hear.

Yes!
And I promise you,
you keep this up

your life will be better
in every way.

Your work will be better,

and you'll be ready for real
relationships, real intimacy.

I don't know how
to thank you for this.

You don't have to thank me.
You did all the work.

And you see? It turned out
to be a good decision for us

to work together
professionally

rather than pursuing
a personal relationship.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, come on, how do you
compare a couple of months

of hardcore dirty sex

to a vacuumed room

and thank-you notes
to dead people?

Yeah.

Well, you are a great therapist.

Hey, you're a great patient.

Oh.

So your appointment's
at 9:00 tomorrow.

Yeah, see you at 10:00.
I'll expect you at 11:00.

That's probably more like it.